Guest guest Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 In a recent email from my little brother (who's the only boy of 4 kids and is 11 years younger than me), I was accused of being childish and immature for going NC with our mother 4 months ago. He actually called it " middle school drama " . I'll admit I was pretty upset (and still am) about the email - really how he could think that I was like that? that I didn't try other options, spend countless hours in therapy/doing research, etc...? - however, overall, it was an amazing revelation to me. There's one part of it, and I quote: " I mean how can you honestly think that not talking to her and not letting her see the kids is going to help her mentality? It seems as if you're using the kids as a weapon - per say- to try to get her to get help when really it's just making the situation much, much worse. In fact, I think it's incredibly cruel that she can't see her grandchildren that she adores. If you really want her to get help, drop all the drama and let's get her help. " Here's where I had my major growth...he really thinks that I have gone NC to help HER. That my decision to get some space from her abuse and criticism and drama was supposed to encourage HER to get some real help. Never did it cross his mind that I may have gone NC for MY OWN well-being. That's how we were raised. Mom should be the center of the universe; and when we make a decision that's not putting her " well-being " (aka her demands) in the center of our universe, then we're childish, immature and stupid. Anyways, I know that my brother will have his own journey, but I'm sad that we're not on the same page at the moment. I did reply to his email, saying that while I know he might not understand why I have gone NC, I do hope that he understands that I have made this decision after much thought and much effort...and I hope he doesn't judge me for making a decision for my own - and my family's - own well-being. Wondering if maybe this rings true for anyone else! Judy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 OMG what a dick! My brother tried that type of shit too. Guess what? I hated him anyway so going NC was both obvious and easy. I vote you NC his ass too!!! On Wed, Aug 17, 2011 at 5:46 PM, last050811 wrote: > ** > > > In a recent email from my little brother (who's the only boy of 4 kids and > is 11 years younger than me), I was accused of being childish and immature > for going NC with our mother 4 months ago. He actually called it " middle > school drama " . > > I'll admit I was pretty upset (and still am) about the email - really how > he could think that I was like that? that I didn't try other options, spend > countless hours in therapy/doing research, etc...? - however, overall, it > was an amazing revelation to me. > > There's one part of it, and I quote: > > " I mean how can you honestly think that not talking to her and not letting > her see the kids is going to help her mentality? It seems as if you're using > the kids as a weapon - per say- to try to get her to get help when really > it's just making the situation much, much worse. In fact, I think it's > incredibly cruel that she can't see her grandchildren that she adores. If > you really want her to get help, drop all the drama and let's get her help. " > > Here's where I had my major growth...he really thinks that I have gone NC > to help HER. That my decision to get some space from her abuse and criticism > and drama was supposed to encourage HER to get some real help. > > Never did it cross his mind that I may have gone NC for MY OWN well-being. > > That's how we were raised. Mom should be the center of the universe; and > when we make a decision that's not putting her " well-being " (aka her > demands) in the center of our universe, then we're childish, immature and > stupid. > > Anyways, I know that my brother will have his own journey, but I'm sad that > we're not on the same page at the moment. I did reply to his email, saying > that while I know he might not understand why I have gone NC, I do hope that > he understands that I have made this decision after much thought and much > effort...and I hope he doesn't judge me for making a decision for my own - > and my family's - own well-being. > > Wondering if maybe this rings true for anyone else! > Judy > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 18, 2011 Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 Judy, when I went NC, my mother campaigned her entire side of the family. It is the BP's reality that you are now the bad guy. They do not lie, their reality just changes to match their feelings. It happens instantly. She can't see anything that she was done wrong, so she assumes that you are the problem. They are very good at spinning stories around their reality and convincing others that their reality is true. Family doesn't necessarily believe what they say is true, but they do get confused by everything. It is natural for them to ask you for your side of the story. The problem is that the spin master (BP) never stops spinning and it becomes tiring to always have to explain and defend yourself to loved ones that you share with the spin master. I gave up and let go of that whole side of the family. I haven't talked to any of them for over 2 years. We don't wish each other happy birthday, merry Christmas, happy new year; nothing. I just don't want to have to always explain and defend myself to those I love. So I let her spin away without me. My therapist disagreed with this resolve, but I just don't care. I know he is right, I deserve to have my family. However, I also deserve to not have to always explain and defend myself because of the spin master's latest spin. I did fight to keep my dad and he finally figured out how the spin master works. He no longer tries to get me to talk to my mother. It took about a year of showing him the spin, the non-reality, the fairytale. He gets it now. However, I can't do this with everyone; it is just too exhausting. I want to live in peace. I am reluctant to share this, because I do not promote my decision for others to follow. My dads side of the family is gone, so now it is just him and me. I have no other family. I do not profess that I did the right thing; I just chose to give up. I wish I could have been stronger somehow. I wish I could have kept my family. Yes, I could still fight to get back into their lives, but it has been two years and spin master has been hard at work. ly, I just don't want to. I don't know why. My grandparents are getting very old and I seem resolved to let them die without me. Will I even be invited to the funeral? If invited, will I go? This sounds like crazy talk, doesn't it? How could I say such a thing? It is fucked up! How do you all deal with this? > > In a recent email from my little brother (who's the only boy of 4 kids and is 11 years younger than me), I was accused of being childish and immature for going NC with our mother 4 months ago. He actually called it " middle school drama " . > > I'll admit I was pretty upset (and still am) about the email - really how he could think that I was like that? that I didn't try other options, spend countless hours in therapy/doing research, etc...? - however, overall, it was an amazing revelation to me. > > There's one part of it, and I quote: > > " I mean how can you honestly think that not talking to her and not letting her see the kids is going to help her mentality? It seems as if you're using the kids as a weapon - per say- to try to get her to get help when really it's just making the situation much, much worse. In fact, I think it's incredibly cruel that she can't see her grandchildren that she adores. If you really want her to get help, drop all the drama and let's get her help. " > > > Here's where I had my major growth...he really thinks that I have gone NC to help HER. That my decision to get some space from her abuse and criticism and drama was supposed to encourage HER to get some real help. > > Never did it cross his mind that I may have gone NC for MY OWN well-being. > > That's how we were raised. Mom should be the center of the universe; and when we make a decision that's not putting her " well-being " (aka her demands) in the center of our universe, then we're childish, immature and stupid. > > Anyways, I know that my brother will have his own journey, but I'm sad that we're not on the same page at the moment. I did reply to his email, saying that while I know he might not understand why I have gone NC, I do hope that he understands that I have made this decision after much thought and much effort...and I hope he doesn't judge me for making a decision for my own - and my family's - own well-being. > > Wondering if maybe this rings true for anyone else! > Judy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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