Guest guest Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Hi everyone, I've been NC for a (happy!) good while now, but sometimes tangible nada memories pop up and haunt me. A few have been bothering me a lot lately, so I thought I'd do one of these modern list-posts, and invite the rest of you to do the same, if it seems helpful to you. 1. Rearranging my dishes in the dishwasher. It was very important to nada to hold steadfast to the truth that I was incapable of properly loading the dishwasher. She would hound me and stand behind me and rearrange them, with much huffing and fanfare and disgusted objection. She never, never tired of this task. It was a life and death matter that she prove what a failure I was at dishloading. *Every time. 2. Paper towels. Nada could not keep her household stocked with paper towels. As often as not, there were no paper towels. It may sound like a little thing--but there was no constancy. At ALL. 3. Constant disrepair. Something in the house was *always broken. It was never something truly dangerous--just, inconvenient. The internet would be out. Or the TV remote, or the TV itself. Or the dishwasher. Or there would be no bed in the guest room, because she was refurnishing it. 4. This one is by FAR the worst one for me. This was quite possibly her favorite thing on earth to do for many years. Whenever I would come home for a visit (for I lived out of town), she would invariably have plans to be out of the house the next day, and while she was gone, some kind of worker would be hired to come to the house, and I'd have to handle it. Like--someone to mow the yard, clean the pool, fix the sink--it could be any variety of things. My trips in would be either on school breaks or work vacations, and I would travel far to visit home, and she knew that I *hated dealing with this for her, and it was her FAVORITE thing to do. 5. Coffee. We are all coffee drinkers in my family. Nada is patently incapable of keeping a steady supply of coffee, milk or cream and sugar. Or--maybe she just loves to torture everyone by keeping it unpredictable. You can never count on there being coffee available in the morning at nada's. It might not be. As often as not, something will be missing--ESPECIALLY if she knows you prefer your coffee a certain way. There are millions more, but these are some that have been particularly bothering me lately, as I go about my day. Thanks for list-ening! --Charlie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Oh charlotte - this totally speaks to just the general discomfort of my nada's home. Even when I lived in the college dorm room and had oh I don't know maybe a 100 total squ feet of space, my home was SO much more comfortable. Nada was a hoarder and had animal hoarding tendancies. 1) I am sensitive to cat and horse dander, and she would have it EVERYWHERE, I couldn't touch a single upholstered surface, I could neither sit nor lay down. If I slept over I had to go to her mildew smelling washing maching and fold and dry all the shit she had in it rotting in the washer (you know how laundry stinks if you leave it in the washer too long - yeah that's how all my clothes smelled until I was about 15 and took over under protest my own laundry) and then I had to wash every pillow, blanket and sheet I planned to use. 2) Her rugs wadded up under the door every time you shut them and it would stick the door half way open. You would have to grab the rug and yank it out and the rug was FILTHY 3)Horse shit covered boots (my dads) were in the kitchen by the door, I grew up with horses but they give me terrible asthma. 3)She kept dirty poop rags (for pet accidents) in the kitchen cupboard next to the flour, sauce pan and baking soda (mine, she had no idea how to cook). 4)There was only one bathroom for 4 or more people, and it always had a malfunction - for example - an entire year of my childhood the bathtub was surrounded by nothing but drywall and you couldn't get it wet (try taking a bath or shower without water sprinkling on the sides or walls). I'll be I've had 1,000 bathroom or plumbing related nightmares in my life since, thanks to nada and fada 5) She hoarded dishes (all second hand) and if you opened a cupboard in the kitchen, 15 or 20 cups would fall out and hit you in the head and face. 6) there was a lot of counter space, but you could not USE it because it was filthy and covered in dirty dishes (and I was the cook in the family so why would she care?) 7) she washed dishes in a pan in the sink, and would let the dirty dishwater sit for days until it stank and then dip a dirty rag in it and wipe everything in the kitchen down (GAG) Now let me describe my house - very empty, not a lot of furniture, the only pillows and upholstery are on the bed, the furniture that I do have is stuff that you can wipe clean (with a single use paper towel, not a filthy rag), I don't have a single rug or plant, but it is filled to the brim with art, easels, art supplies. I have no carpet and all my floors are tile or wood or even cement. The cleaning supplies are kept away from the food and I had a Scarlet oHara moment (serious, i did) in my 20s when I got my first dog and swore " As god as my witness, I will never, ever ever ever be without paper towels again. " On Wed, Aug 17, 2011 at 7:33 PM, charlottehoneychurch < charlottehoneychurch@...> wrote: > ** > > > Hi everyone, > > I've been NC for a (happy!) good while now, but sometimes tangible nada > memories pop up and haunt me. A few have been bothering me a lot lately, so > I thought I'd do one of these modern list-posts, and invite the rest of you > to do the same, if it seems helpful to you. > > 1. Rearranging my dishes in the dishwasher. It was very important to nada > to hold steadfast to the truth that I was incapable of properly loading the > dishwasher. She would hound me and stand behind me and rearrange them, with > much huffing and fanfare and disgusted objection. She never, never tired of > this task. It was a life and death matter that she prove what a failure I > was at dishloading. *Every time. > > 2. Paper towels. Nada could not keep her household stocked with paper > towels. As often as not, there were no paper towels. It may sound like a > little thing--but there was no constancy. At ALL. > > 3. Constant disrepair. Something in the house was *always broken. It was > never something truly dangerous--just, inconvenient. The internet would be > out. Or the TV remote, or the TV itself. Or the dishwasher. Or there would > be no bed in the guest room, because she was refurnishing it. > > 4. This one is by FAR the worst one for me. This was quite possibly her > favorite thing on earth to do for many years. Whenever I would come home for > a visit (for I lived out of town), she would invariably have plans to be out > of the house the next day, and while she was gone, some kind of worker would > be hired to come to the house, and I'd have to handle it. Like--someone to > mow the yard, clean the pool, fix the sink--it could be any variety of > things. My trips in would be either on school breaks or work vacations, and > I would travel far to visit home, and she knew that I *hated dealing with > this for her, and it was her FAVORITE thing to do. > > 5. Coffee. We are all coffee drinkers in my family. Nada is patently > incapable of keeping a steady supply of coffee, milk or cream and sugar. > Or--maybe she just loves to torture everyone by keeping it unpredictable. > You can never count on there being coffee available in the morning at > nada's. It might not be. As often as not, something will be > missing--ESPECIALLY if she knows you prefer your coffee a certain way. > > There are millions more, but these are some that have been particularly > bothering me lately, as I go about my day. Thanks for list-ening! > > --Charlie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 17, 2011 Report Share Posted August 17, 2011 Instead of writing a novel about my list of peeves, I'll just say a big " Ditto! " to the first item on your list. My nada: exactly the same behaviors, in the same tone: denigrating, shaming, humiliating. This behavior of nada's was likely to occur regarding any household chore; Sister and I would rarely fold the clothes or make the beds " right " : to nada's standards of perfection, and would be shamed and raged at and made to do the chore over with nada supervising, calling us morons or lazy or ingrates the whole time. See, after growing up with this as my " normal " , it occurs to me that if you actually love someone, you don't say those things to them, tear them down, shame them so frequently over things like *where a dish is in a machine.* Underlying it all, in my opinion: a person who had no real empathy or compassion for her own kids' feelings. We were treated as though we had no feelings to hurt. We were appliances, apparently; just things. We had to be fed and clothed and housed at her and dad's expense, and so perhaps we were sort of like investments in nada's estimation. And if her investment instruments weren't paying off satisfactorily, resentment built up. Yes, the general tone of the way we were treated and spoken to very often, the best word to define it is *resentment.* -Annie > > Hi everyone, > > I've been NC for a (happy!) good while now, but sometimes tangible nada memories pop up and haunt me. A few have been bothering me a lot lately, so I thought I'd do one of these modern list-posts, and invite the rest of you to do the same, if it seems helpful to you. > > 1. Rearranging my dishes in the dishwasher. It was very important to nada to hold steadfast to the truth that I was incapable of properly loading the dishwasher. She would hound me and stand behind me and rearrange them, with much huffing and fanfare and disgusted objection. She never, never tired of this task. It was a life and death matter that she prove what a failure I was at dishloading. *Every time. > > 2. Paper towels. Nada could not keep her household stocked with paper towels. As often as not, there were no paper towels. It may sound like a little thing--but there was no constancy. At ALL. > > 3. Constant disrepair. Something in the house was *always broken. It was never something truly dangerous--just, inconvenient. The internet would be out. Or the TV remote, or the TV itself. Or the dishwasher. Or there would be no bed in the guest room, because she was refurnishing it. > > 4. This one is by FAR the worst one for me. This was quite possibly her favorite thing on earth to do for many years. Whenever I would come home for a visit (for I lived out of town), she would invariably have plans to be out of the house the next day, and while she was gone, some kind of worker would be hired to come to the house, and I'd have to handle it. Like--someone to mow the yard, clean the pool, fix the sink--it could be any variety of things. My trips in would be either on school breaks or work vacations, and I would travel far to visit home, and she knew that I *hated dealing with this for her, and it was her FAVORITE thing to do. > > 5. Coffee. We are all coffee drinkers in my family. Nada is patently incapable of keeping a steady supply of coffee, milk or cream and sugar. Or--maybe she just loves to torture everyone by keeping it unpredictable. You can never count on there being coffee available in the morning at nada's. It might not be. As often as not, something will be missing--ESPECIALLY if she knows you prefer your coffee a certain way. > > There are millions more, but these are some that have been particularly bothering me lately, as I go about my day. Thanks for list-ening! > > --Charlie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 Hello fellow Annie, All I can say is " amen " to your list of peeves. I have experienced nearly identical situations like those you describe, myself, that my own nada has done. It never ceases to amaze me how similar some of the behaviors can be from bpd to bpd. -Annie > > 1. In spite of the fact that I told my mother not to involve me in her relationship with my father, she continues to tell me all about what a jerk he is. She always starts the conversation like this. " I know you don't want to hear this, but.... " > > 2. I have told her that I don't want to be involved in huge social gatherings because it makes me anxious. She has this habit of planning gatherings so that I am forced to spend every waking moment with dozens of people for days on end. In spite of the number of times I've asked not to be put into those situations, she invites the entire neighborhood over and expects me to feel as happy as she is about it. This last week when we went to visit, she planned no fewer than 4 extra social functions. At every event, she invited people from the previous event so that by the end, we had seen the same people over and over and over again all weekend. > > 3. She spends lots of time, energy, and money on creating what she thinks is a perfect environment (cleaning, shopping, party planning, etc.) and then if I don't fall all over myself thanking her, or if I mention that there was something not right (like this past weekend when she insisted I stay at my brother's house and I found feces on the toilet that I had to clean off), then somehow I'm not appreciative of her efforts. Apparently I'm $hit because wasn't grateful for something she did that I didn't even want in the first place. > > 4. In spite of my mother's " dedication to the Catholic church " and her feeling that I should rejoin the church because it will bring me peace, every past indiscretion, argument, mistake, etc. gets brought into an argument. She has no ability to forgive others for any mistakes they make and uses all of that against them when she feels angry. So I haven't figured out how she can claim to be a Christian when she acts this way. > > 5. She uses money in place of love, but when you spend your own money on something that she views as frivolous, she holds it over your head and berates you for spending your money this way. My mother recently blew a gasket when my husband purchased an 11-year-old used Corvette to use as a commuter car. She insisted that it was a luxury item that we wouldn't have been able to afford if she hadn't given us so many monetary gifts. Basically, she acts like it's a gift, but then acts entitled to some kind of say about how I live my life. So I've decided that I can't accept any more gifts from her because she's not entitled to tell me how to live my life. > > OK, so that's my first five as they came to mind. I'm sure I can come up with so many more. > > Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 Fiona, This is great!! Or toilet paper, right? Thanks everyone for these wonderful replies. --Charlie > > > > > ** > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 Similar here too. As far as loading the dishwasher goes, nada would change the way she wanted it done, seemingly randomly, and then act like I was the fool was never doing it right. For instance, forks and knives DOWN so you don't poke yourself...THEN it was, " You are deliberately trying to damage my dishwasher by loading the forks and knives DOWN so they scratch the interior of the tub when I specifically told you to load them UP!! " Holy crap, there was no keeping up with the crazy. natalia > > > > 1. In spite of the fact that I told my mother not to involve me in her relationship with my father, she continues to tell me all about what a jerk he is. She always starts the conversation like this. " I know you don't want to hear this, but.... " > > > > 2. I have told her that I don't want to be involved in huge social gatherings because it makes me anxious. She has this habit of planning gatherings so that I am forced to spend every waking moment with dozens of people for days on end. In spite of the number of times I've asked not to be put into those situations, she invites the entire neighborhood over and expects me to feel as happy as she is about it. This last week when we went to visit, she planned no fewer than 4 extra social functions. At every event, she invited people from the previous event so that by the end, we had seen the same people over and over and over again all weekend. > > > > 3. She spends lots of time, energy, and money on creating what she thinks is a perfect environment (cleaning, shopping, party planning, etc.) and then if I don't fall all over myself thanking her, or if I mention that there was something not right (like this past weekend when she insisted I stay at my brother's house and I found feces on the toilet that I had to clean off), then somehow I'm not appreciative of her efforts. Apparently I'm $hit because wasn't grateful for something she did that I didn't even want in the first place. > > > > 4. In spite of my mother's " dedication to the Catholic church " and her feeling that I should rejoin the church because it will bring me peace, every past indiscretion, argument, mistake, etc. gets brought into an argument. She has no ability to forgive others for any mistakes they make and uses all of that against them when she feels angry. So I haven't figured out how she can claim to be a Christian when she acts this way. > > > > 5. She uses money in place of love, but when you spend your own money on something that she views as frivolous, she holds it over your head and berates you for spending your money this way. My mother recently blew a gasket when my husband purchased an 11-year-old used Corvette to use as a commuter car. She insisted that it was a luxury item that we wouldn't have been able to afford if she hadn't given us so many monetary gifts. Basically, she acts like it's a gift, but then acts entitled to some kind of say about how I live my life. So I've decided that I can't accept any more gifts from her because she's not entitled to tell me how to live my life. > > > > OK, so that's my first five as they came to mind. I'm sure I can come up with so many more. > > > > Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 Just have to add to this thread 'cause it's kind of humorous in a really disturbing way... 1. Mess - everywhere. DIRTY DISHES and leaving food out are my biggest peeve with her at the moment. She makes dinner (usually so late that everyone's already found something else to eat) and leaves the food out in the pans overnight. If I or occasionally my dad don't go in there and put in away, it will sit there forever. She leaves cups, plates, bowls, you name it, she leaves it out. With food crusted on it because she be bothered to walk 6 feet to the trash can and throw it away. She also does this with the cat food. At any given moment we'll have 6 or 7 different bowls of food lying around, 1 or 2 outside. Leaving them outside is the worst thing for me because it attracts multitudes of flies by day (and they get in the house and into the food she leaves out) and roaches (we live in the South, so we get the big honkin' tank-sized ones too), possums and raccoons by night. Not to mention the neighbors' cats and dogs. 2. Her thing about doctors = God. You must absolutely do EVERYTHING the doctor tells you (this includes vets, too), without question. Doesn't matter if you don't understand it, don't matter if it doesn't make sense, don't matter if it's waaaay too expensive for you at the time, you simply must. I used to get mad at the doctors for this, a sentiment largely influenced by my dad, but after I went through nursing school I realized they're just trying to do what's best for a case they only have a little time to work out. And they're trying to cover their ass by suggesting as many things as possible. Problem is Nada does not *think* about what they tell her. Which brings me to my next point... 3. Nada doesn't think. I know it's a hallmark of BPD to literally be incapable to using logic with emotion, but I think my Nada might actually be a little mentally...challenged, shall we say? A year or two ago she took some placement tests at a community college, and they tested her at a 6th grade math level. This, combined with reckless spending of course, is a recipe for disaster. My dad recently calculated that she spends about $100/day on...stuff. And when he confronts her about it she's all, " Well, I had a $1 coffee from Mc's this morning. I could stop doing that... " She just doesn't get it. 4. Unfinished projects. My Nada is very artistic, and in my opinion she's actually extremely talented. If she didn't have this thought disorder I think she could honestly make enough to live off of just doing different artwork. But she can't stick to anything. She'll do the research (and makes it more complicated than it needs to be), and goes far enough into the project to spend a good amount of money on it. Then she loses interest. Sometimes she actually makes one or two items, but stops short of actually trying to sell them. IMO, I think she's so afraid of possible rejection she just can't bring herself to try. 5. She leaves these gross little balled up tissues with spit in them everywhere. In the bed, on the couch, in cracks and corners everywhere, in the kitchen. Ew, just ew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 Good peeves! Here's an idea that struck me as I read your peeve list: buy paper plates for the cat's food and then just toss the paper plates in the trash before bed each night. The cat will soon learn that he, she or it needs to eat before the humans go to bed because there will not be any cat food left out at night any longer. And, if you can get your nada's doctor to cooperate, have him make a Pronouncement that in His opinion, your nada's health is in danger from the unsanitary conditions in her home. (In actual fact, rotting food that can harbor amoebic, viral and bacterial toxins and can generate mold, and the cockroaches all that crap attracts ARE serious health hazards!) So if " God " tells nada to make sure her kitchen and bathrooms in particular are very clean, then maybe she will take His Word seriously. Who knows, might work. -Annie > > Just have to add to this thread 'cause it's kind of humorous in a really > disturbing way... > > 1. Mess - everywhere. DIRTY DISHES and leaving food out are my biggest > peeve with her at the moment. She makes dinner (usually so late that > everyone's already found something else to eat) and leaves the food out > in the pans overnight. If I or occasionally my dad don't go in there and > put in away, it will sit there forever. She leaves cups, plates, bowls, > you name it, she leaves it out. With food crusted on it because she be > bothered to walk 6 feet to the trash can and throw it away. She also > does this with the cat food. At any given moment we'll have 6 or 7 > different bowls of food lying around, 1 or 2 outside. Leaving them > outside is the worst thing for me because it attracts multitudes of > flies by day (and they get in the house and into the food she leaves > out) and roaches (we live in the South, so we get the big honkin' > tank-sized ones too), possums and raccoons by night. Not to mention the > neighbors' cats and dogs. > > 2. Her thing about doctors = God. You must absolutely do EVERYTHING the > doctor tells you (this includes vets, too), without question. Doesn't > matter if you don't understand it, don't matter if it doesn't make > sense, don't matter if it's waaaay too expensive for you at the time, > you simply must. I used to get mad at the doctors for this, a sentiment > largely influenced by my dad, but after I went through nursing school I > realized they're just trying to do what's best for a case they only have > a little time to work out. And they're trying to cover their ass by > suggesting as many things as possible. Problem is Nada does not *think* > about what they tell her. Which brings me to my next point... > > 3. Nada doesn't think. I know it's a hallmark of BPD to literally be > incapable to using logic with emotion, but I think my Nada might > actually be a little mentally...challenged, shall we say? A year or two > ago she took some placement tests at a community college, and they > tested her at a 6th grade math level. This, combined with reckless > spending of course, is a recipe for disaster. My dad recently calculated > that she spends about $100/day on...stuff. And when he confronts her > about it she's all, " Well, I had a $1 coffee from Mc's this > morning. I could stop doing that... " She just doesn't get it. > > 4. Unfinished projects. My Nada is very artistic, and in my opinion > she's actually extremely talented. If she didn't have this thought > disorder I think she could honestly make enough to live off of just > doing different artwork. But she can't stick to anything. She'll do the > research (and makes it more complicated than it needs to be), and goes > far enough into the project to spend a good amount of money on it. Then > she loses interest. Sometimes she actually makes one or two items, but > stops short of actually trying to sell them. IMO, I think she's so > afraid of possible rejection she just can't bring herself to try. > > 5. She leaves these gross little balled up tissues with spit in them > everywhere. In the bed, on the couch, in cracks and corners everywhere, > in the kitchen. Ew, just ew. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 Love that idea about talking to the doc about the house - who knows? It might actually work. Though since she tends to go overboard on things like that she might just decide to move out. Win-win. The cat food would be harder if only because I'd have to get my siblings on board with it. I think I could get just nada to do something but her + 4 kids is too much for just me. For whatever reason they are not as bothered by the ick as I am. I think they've gotten used to it. One of my brothers actually sleeps in the basement where the big roaches are. One even crawled in his ear the other night (EWWW!). He was grossed out but didn't try to bug bomb or push people to put the food away. My sibs are kind of the out of sight out of mind type. Subject: Re: 5 Nada Peeves To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Wednesday, August 24, 2011, 8:06 PM Â Good peeves! Here's an idea that struck me as I read your peeve list: buy paper plates for the cat's food and then just toss the paper plates in the trash before bed each night. The cat will soon learn that he, she or it needs to eat before the humans go to bed because there will not be any cat food left out at night any longer. And, if you can get your nada's doctor to cooperate, have him make a Pronouncement that in His opinion, your nada's health is in danger from the unsanitary conditions in her home. (In actual fact, rotting food that can harbor amoebic, viral and bacterial toxins and can generate mold, and the cockroaches all that crap attracts ARE serious health hazards!) So if " God " tells nada to make sure her kitchen and bathrooms in particular are very clean, then maybe she will take His Word seriously. Who knows, might work. -Annie > > Just have to add to this thread 'cause it's kind of humorous in a really > disturbing way... > > 1. Mess - everywhere. DIRTY DISHES and leaving food out are my biggest > peeve with her at the moment. She makes dinner (usually so late that > everyone's already found something else to eat) and leaves the food out > in the pans overnight. If I or occasionally my dad don't go in there and > put in away, it will sit there forever. She leaves cups, plates, bowls, > you name it, she leaves it out. With food crusted on it because she be > bothered to walk 6 feet to the trash can and throw it away. She also > does this with the cat food. At any given moment we'll have 6 or 7 > different bowls of food lying around, 1 or 2 outside. Leaving them > outside is the worst thing for me because it attracts multitudes of > flies by day (and they get in the house and into the food she leaves > out) and roaches (we live in the South, so we get the big honkin' > tank-sized ones too), possums and raccoons by night. Not to mention the > neighbors' cats and dogs. > > 2. Her thing about doctors = God. You must absolutely do EVERYTHING the > doctor tells you (this includes vets, too), without question. Doesn't > matter if you don't understand it, don't matter if it doesn't make > sense, don't matter if it's waaaay too expensive for you at the time, > you simply must. I used to get mad at the doctors for this, a sentiment > largely influenced by my dad, but after I went through nursing school I > realized they're just trying to do what's best for a case they only have > a little time to work out. And they're trying to cover their ass by > suggesting as many things as possible. Problem is Nada does not *think* > about what they tell her. Which brings me to my next point... > > 3. Nada doesn't think. I know it's a hallmark of BPD to literally be > incapable to using logic with emotion, but I think my Nada might > actually be a little mentally...challenged, shall we say? A year or two > ago she took some placement tests at a community college, and they > tested her at a 6th grade math level. This, combined with reckless > spending of course, is a recipe for disaster. My dad recently calculated > that she spends about $100/day on...stuff. And when he confronts her > about it she's all, " Well, I had a $1 coffee from Mc's this > morning. I could stop doing that... " She just doesn't get it. > > 4. Unfinished projects. My Nada is very artistic, and in my opinion > she's actually extremely talented. If she didn't have this thought > disorder I think she could honestly make enough to live off of just > doing different artwork. But she can't stick to anything. She'll do the > research (and makes it more complicated than it needs to be), and goes > far enough into the project to spend a good amount of money on it. Then > she loses interest. Sometimes she actually makes one or two items, but > stops short of actually trying to sell them. IMO, I think she's so > afraid of possible rejection she just can't bring herself to try. > > 5. She leaves these gross little balled up tissues with spit in them > everywhere. In the bed, on the couch, in cracks and corners everywhere, > in the kitchen. Ew, just ew. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 On the topic of going overboard - I CAN RELATE!!!!! My nada did this with EVERYTHING. And I can tell you, it can be crippling to productivity as a human being. She couldn't just spend 20 min running around the house picking up the dirty underwear off the floor before the bishop came over (this is the religious leader in the religion I was raised with). She either did nothing and then laid on the bed crying about it or attacked us for not knowing she had invited him, or she flipped out and cleaned the whole house, starting 5 min before he was due and cleaning DURING the visit as if that would impress him with her industry. But the real problem was cooking. When I was really small she liked to bake. but the thing was, she couldn't just bake one or two batches of cookies. If she baked, she would get out the old fashioned sifter, and tie a bandana over her face (because she says she has alaphalactic shock level allergies to EVERYTHING from ordinary flour right down to her own sweat) and the she would sift like 10 lbs of flour. This would take at least 2 hours, She also had to clean the whole kitchen before she started, using 3 or 4 day old dirty dishwater to wipe everything down. She would then proceed to bake enough cookies for a bar mitzvah, spending about 10 hours, and then collapse and swear she would never bake again because it was too much work. Um hello, i could probably bake the amount of cookies needed in 45 min to an hour, and be done just as she was getting out her sifter and hunting down her bandana protection. And i need to tell myself that story every day for the coming year, because for me it is proof she should have been locked up or something. I mean, all I did was say " lets bake cookies (I'm 5 and I love the kitchen " and 14 hours later the whole house is covered in flour, nada is raging and crying and we have enough cookies to feed the entire 3rd world. Does she not know they don't keep forever? WEIRD > ** > > > Love that idea about talking to the doc about the house - who knows? It > might actually work. Though since she tends to go overboard on things like > that she might just decide to move out. Win-win. > > The cat food would be harder if only because I'd have to get my siblings on > board with it. I think I could get just nada to do something but her + 4 > kids is too much for just me. For whatever reason they are not as bothered > by the ick as I am. I think they've gotten used to it. One of my brothers > actually sleeps in the basement where the big roaches are. One even crawled > in his ear the other night (EWWW!). He was grossed out but didn't try to bug > bomb or push people to put the food away. My sibs are kind of the out of > sight out of mind type. > > > > > Subject: Re: 5 Nada Peeves > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Wednesday, August 24, 2011, 8:06 PM > > > > > Good peeves! > > Here's an idea that struck me as I read your peeve list: buy paper plates > for the cat's food and then just toss the paper plates in the trash before > bed each night. The cat will soon learn that he, she or it needs to eat > before the humans go to bed because there will not be any cat food left out > at night any longer. > > And, if you can get your nada's doctor to cooperate, have him make a > Pronouncement that in His opinion, your nada's health is in danger from the > unsanitary conditions in her home. (In actual fact, rotting food that can > harbor amoebic, viral and bacterial toxins and can generate mold, and the > cockroaches all that crap attracts ARE serious health hazards!) So if " God " > tells nada to make sure her kitchen and bathrooms in particular are very > clean, then maybe she will take His Word seriously. > > Who knows, might work. > > -Annie > > > > > > > > Just have to add to this thread 'cause it's kind of humorous in a really > > > disturbing way... > > > > > > 1. Mess - everywhere. DIRTY DISHES and leaving food out are my biggest > > > peeve with her at the moment. She makes dinner (usually so late that > > > everyone's already found something else to eat) and leaves the food out > > > in the pans overnight. If I or occasionally my dad don't go in there and > > > put in away, it will sit there forever. She leaves cups, plates, bowls, > > > you name it, she leaves it out. With food crusted on it because she be > > > bothered to walk 6 feet to the trash can and throw it away. She also > > > does this with the cat food. At any given moment we'll have 6 or 7 > > > different bowls of food lying around, 1 or 2 outside. Leaving them > > > outside is the worst thing for me because it attracts multitudes of > > > flies by day (and they get in the house and into the food she leaves > > > out) and roaches (we live in the South, so we get the big honkin' > > > tank-sized ones too), possums and raccoons by night. Not to mention the > > > neighbors' cats and dogs. > > > > > > 2. Her thing about doctors = God. You must absolutely do EVERYTHING the > > > doctor tells you (this includes vets, too), without question. Doesn't > > > matter if you don't understand it, don't matter if it doesn't make > > > sense, don't matter if it's waaaay too expensive for you at the time, > > > you simply must. I used to get mad at the doctors for this, a sentiment > > > largely influenced by my dad, but after I went through nursing school I > > > realized they're just trying to do what's best for a case they only have > > > a little time to work out. And they're trying to cover their ass by > > > suggesting as many things as possible. Problem is Nada does not *think* > > > about what they tell her. Which brings me to my next point... > > > > > > 3. Nada doesn't think. I know it's a hallmark of BPD to literally be > > > incapable to using logic with emotion, but I think my Nada might > > > actually be a little mentally...challenged, shall we say? A year or two > > > ago she took some placement tests at a community college, and they > > > tested her at a 6th grade math level. This, combined with reckless > > > spending of course, is a recipe for disaster. My dad recently calculated > > > that she spends about $100/day on...stuff. And when he confronts her > > > about it she's all, " Well, I had a $1 coffee from Mc's this > > > morning. I could stop doing that... " She just doesn't get it. > > > > > > 4. Unfinished projects. My Nada is very artistic, and in my opinion > > > she's actually extremely talented. If she didn't have this thought > > > disorder I think she could honestly make enough to live off of just > > > doing different artwork. But she can't stick to anything. She'll do the > > > research (and makes it more complicated than it needs to be), and goes > > > far enough into the project to spend a good amount of money on it. Then > > > she loses interest. Sometimes she actually makes one or two items, but > > > stops short of actually trying to sell them. IMO, I think she's so > > > afraid of possible rejection she just can't bring herself to try. > > > > > > 5. She leaves these gross little balled up tissues with spit in them > > > everywhere. In the bed, on the couch, in cracks and corners everywhere, > > > in the kitchen. Ew, just ew. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 YES, lol. I guess it's just another facet of the all-or-nothing thinking we're all familiar with. I remember once my nada was painting this sign for church. She was outside on the front porch so the fumes wouldn't stink up the house and she accidentally spilled some paint on the concrete. My solution? Get some paint remover and scrub it. Her solution? Replace the porch. P.S. Your comment about using 3-4 day old dishwater to clean with - my nada does that too and I think it's DISGUSTING. Sometimes she'll fill the sink with clean water and soap, mop the floors with it until it's dark and opaque, and THEN wash the dishes. Ugh. What is it with nada and wanting to live in filth? Subject: Re: Re: 5 Nada Peeves To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Wednesday, August 24, 2011, 9:53 PM On the topic of going overboard - I CAN RELATE!!!!! My nada did this with EVERYTHING. And I can tell you, it can be crippling to productivity as a human being. She couldn't just spend 20 min running around the house picking up the dirty underwear off the floor before the bishop came over (this is the religious leader in the religion I was raised with). She either did nothing and then laid on the bed crying about it or attacked us for not knowing she had invited him, or she flipped out and cleaned the whole house, starting 5 min before he was due and cleaning DURING the visit as if that would impress him with her industry. But the real problem was cooking. When I was really small she liked to bake. but the thing was, she couldn't just bake one or two batches of cookies. If she baked, she would get out the old fashioned sifter, and tie a bandana over her face (because she says she has alaphalactic shock level allergies to EVERYTHING from ordinary flour right down to her own sweat) and the she would sift like 10 lbs of flour. This would take at least 2 hours, She also had to clean the whole kitchen before she started, using 3 or 4 day old dirty dishwater to wipe everything down. She would then proceed to bake enough cookies for a bar mitzvah, spending about 10 hours, and then collapse and swear she would never bake again because it was too much work. Um hello, i could probably bake the amount of cookies needed in 45 min to an hour, and be done just as she was getting out her sifter and hunting down her bandana protection. And i need to tell myself that story every day for the coming year, because for me it is proof she should have been locked up or something. I mean, all I did was say " lets bake cookies (I'm 5 and I love the kitchen " and 14 hours later the whole house is covered in flour, nada is raging and crying and we have enough cookies to feed the entire 3rd world. Does she not know they don't keep forever? WEIRD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 OMG replace the porch??? MOP water??? Holy shit - and yeah I get it > ** > > > YES, lol. I guess it's just another facet of the all-or-nothing thinking > we're all familiar with. I remember once my nada was painting this sign for > church. She was outside on the front porch so the fumes wouldn't stink up > the house and she accidentally spilled some paint on the concrete. My > solution? Get some paint remover and scrub it. Her solution? Replace the > porch. > > P.S. Your comment about using 3-4 day old dishwater to clean with - my nada > does that too and I think it's DISGUSTING. Sometimes she'll fill the sink > with clean water and soap, mop the floors with it until it's dark and > opaque, and THEN wash the dishes. Ugh. What is it with nada and wanting to > live in filth? > > > > > Subject: Re: Re: 5 Nada Peeves > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Wednesday, August 24, 2011, 9:53 PM > > > On the topic of going overboard - I CAN RELATE!!!!! > > My nada did this with EVERYTHING. And I can tell you, it can be crippling > to > productivity as a human being. She couldn't just spend 20 min running > around > the house picking up the dirty underwear off the floor before the bishop > came over (this is the religious leader in the religion I was raised with). > She either did nothing and then laid on the bed crying about it or attacked > us for not knowing she had invited him, or she flipped out and cleaned the > whole house, starting 5 min before he was due and cleaning DURING the visit > as if that would impress him with her industry. > > But the real problem was cooking. When I was really small she liked to > bake. > but the thing was, she couldn't just bake one or two batches of cookies. If > she baked, she would get out the old fashioned sifter, and tie a bandana > over her face (because she says she has alaphalactic shock level allergies > to EVERYTHING from ordinary flour right down to her own sweat) and the she > would sift like 10 lbs of flour. This would take at least 2 hours, She also > had to clean the whole kitchen before she started, using 3 or 4 day old > dirty dishwater to wipe everything down. She would then proceed to bake > enough cookies for a bar mitzvah, spending about 10 hours, and then > collapse > and swear she would never bake again because it was too much work. > > Um hello, i could probably bake the amount of cookies needed in 45 min to > an > hour, and be done just as she was getting out her sifter and hunting down > her bandana protection. > > And i need to tell myself that story every day for the coming year, because > for me it is proof she should have been locked up or something. I mean, all > I did was say " lets bake cookies (I'm 5 and I love the kitchen " and 14 > hours > later the whole house is covered in flour, nada is raging and crying and we > have enough cookies to feed the entire 3rd world. Does she not know they > don't keep forever? > > WEIRD > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 What is it about nadas and dishwater? My nada used a plastic tub set in the sink to wash dishes, then leave the dirty water with food, scum and the dishcloth floating in it for DAYS. Folding bath towels - if I did not fold the towels as she asked, nada would come into my room in the middle of the night and stand over my bed and scream while I cowered under the covers. She wore Candies flip flops all the time...I learned to become terrified of that " stick-slap, stick-slap " sound coming up the stairs. Here's how she cleaned the kitchen...nada would get up at 5:00 in the morning, go in the kitchen and talk to herself, louder and louder until she worked herself into a screaming, dish-banging frenzy. Good times. :/ > > Hi everyone, > > I've been NC for a (happy!) good while now, but sometimes tangible nada memories pop up and haunt me. A few have been bothering me a lot lately, so I thought I'd do one of these modern list-posts, and invite the rest of you to do the same, if it seems helpful to you. > > 1. Rearranging my dishes in the dishwasher. It was very important to nada to hold steadfast to the truth that I was incapable of properly loading the dishwasher. She would hound me and stand behind me and rearrange them, with much huffing and fanfare and disgusted objection. She never, never tired of this task. It was a life and death matter that she prove what a failure I was at dishloading. *Every time. > > 2. Paper towels. Nada could not keep her household stocked with paper towels. As often as not, there were no paper towels. It may sound like a little thing--but there was no constancy. At ALL. > > 3. Constant disrepair. Something in the house was *always broken. It was never something truly dangerous--just, inconvenient. The internet would be out. Or the TV remote, or the TV itself. Or the dishwasher. Or there would be no bed in the guest room, because she was refurnishing it. > > 4. This one is by FAR the worst one for me. This was quite possibly her favorite thing on earth to do for many years. Whenever I would come home for a visit (for I lived out of town), she would invariably have plans to be out of the house the next day, and while she was gone, some kind of worker would be hired to come to the house, and I'd have to handle it. Like--someone to mow the yard, clean the pool, fix the sink--it could be any variety of things. My trips in would be either on school breaks or work vacations, and I would travel far to visit home, and she knew that I *hated dealing with this for her, and it was her FAVORITE thing to do. > > 5. Coffee. We are all coffee drinkers in my family. Nada is patently incapable of keeping a steady supply of coffee, milk or cream and sugar. Or--maybe she just loves to torture everyone by keeping it unpredictable. You can never count on there being coffee available in the morning at nada's. It might not be. As often as not, something will be missing--ESPECIALLY if she knows you prefer your coffee a certain way. > > There are millions more, but these are some that have been particularly bothering me lately, as I go about my day. Thanks for list-ening! > > --Charlie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 Its really amazing how similar nada behaviors are, that I read about here (and at other adult child-of-bpd support groups I've been in) in that they tend to fall into the extreme range, including the extreme ends of the " clean vs filth " spectrum. Its definitely part of the " black or white " , or " all or nothing " behavior patterns of bpd, and possibly shades over into obsessive-compulsive *personality disorder* as well (which is not the same thing, confusingly, as obsessive compulsive disorder.) My bpd/npd nada was (and still may be) at the clean-freak end of the spectrum. Hyper clean. Hyper organized. A smudge, or something out of place could trigger her into a rage. Having people over would cause her to go into super-hyper-drive and we'd have to start cleaning the clean the weekend before the event. And everything had to be cleaned *the right way*, clothes and towels folded *the right way*, beds made *the right way*, etc. All this panic-level cleaning was done to an accompaniment of shrieking criticism as to how stupid and lazy we were, because we weren't cleaning *fast enough* or doing it *the right way*. In some cases nada would undo what we'd just done, like a bed, and make us do it over again. My home wasn't warm, friendly or comfortable. It felt like living in a museum, or a hospital. Sister and I weren't even allowed in the living room at all. It had to be kept perfect. Most of the time it looked as though nobody actually lived in our house. Needless to say, if I wanted to play with other children, I did it at their house. It was not OK for me to bring friends over. Not overtly spoken, but my nada would hover around us or nearby, be so tense and critical, not hospitable, and might even be likely to shame me in front of a friend, that I was just sort of subliminally trained that I wasn't welcome to bring my friends over. It wasn't " my " house, or even " our " house, it was *nada's house*. The shockingly filthy, disorganized nadas are at the other end of the spectrum. As bad as the hospital-operating-room-level-of-sterile nadas are, the filthy ones are actually causing harm to their children. Children are sometimes removed from super-filthy homes for their own protection. There are diseases and bad health conditions that can be inflicted on children due to living in filth. Children can develop life-threatening allergies to the dust, animal dander, mold, and decomposing food (or decomposing animal bodies) in filthy homes. Not to mention that cockroaches, lice, fleas, mice, rats and ticks carry diseases and actually eat you. That's why they're crawling on you, they're there to feed on you, and share with you whatever bacteria or botulism or plague they happen to be carrying at the moment. Vermin are attracted to rotting food and garbage, and piled up animal feces and urine. The TV show " Hoarders " was a really good public education for how bad this behavior can get, and indeed on some of the shows the children had been removed from the home, and the parents had finally agreed to have their filthy home cleaned and junk removed in order to get their children back. Too clean vs too filthy: extremism: just another big red waving flag that some individuals need to get their disordered, whacked-out selves into therapy and learn how to modify and control their abnormal behaviors before they even think about having kids. But, I guess that is just fantasy pie in the sky, flying pink unicorns thinking. -Annie > > > Subject: Re: Re: 5 Nada Peeves > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Wednesday, August 24, 2011, 9:53 PM > > On the topic of going overboard - I CAN RELATE!!!!! > > My nada did this with EVERYTHING. And I can tell you, it can be crippling to > productivity as a human being. She couldn't just spend 20 min running around > the house picking up the dirty underwear off the floor before the bishop > came over (this is the religious leader in the religion I was raised with). > She either did nothing and then laid on the bed crying about it or attacked > us for not knowing she had invited him, or she flipped out and cleaned the > whole house, starting 5 min before he was due and cleaning DURING the visit > as if that would impress him with her industry. > > But the real problem was cooking. When I was really small she liked to bake. > but the thing was, she couldn't just bake one or two batches of cookies. If > she baked, she would get out the old fashioned sifter, and tie a bandana > over her face (because she says she has alaphalactic shock level allergies > to EVERYTHING from ordinary flour right down to her own sweat) and the she > would sift like 10 lbs of flour. This would take at least 2 hours, She also > had to clean the whole kitchen before she started, using 3 or 4 day old > dirty dishwater to wipe everything down. She would then proceed to bake > enough cookies for a bar mitzvah, spending about 10 hours, and then collapse > and swear she would never bake again because it was too much work. > > Um hello, i could probably bake the amount of cookies needed in 45 min to an > hour, and be done just as she was getting out her sifter and hunting down > her bandana protection. > > And i need to tell myself that story every day for the coming year, because > for me it is proof she should have been locked up or something. I mean, all > I did was say " lets bake cookies (I'm 5 and I love the kitchen " and 14 hours > later the whole house is covered in flour, nada is raging and crying and we > have enough cookies to feed the entire 3rd world. Does she not know they > don't keep forever? > > WEIRD > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 I think in my nada's case it was both extremes (towels - dishwater) although the house in general was filthy. I used to look forward to whenever she was hospitalized for her various medical complaints so I could clean the house - it gave me a rare feeling of control. I have a friend whose nada made he and his brother sterlize the bathrooms every Saturday. If she found the slightest bit of Comet residue on the sink she would fly into a rage and make them do it over. > > > > From: Girlscout Cowboy <girlscout.cowboy@> > > Subject: Re: Re: 5 Nada Peeves > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > Date: Wednesday, August 24, 2011, 9:53 PM > > > > On the topic of going overboard - I CAN RELATE!!!!! > > > > My nada did this with EVERYTHING. And I can tell you, it can be crippling to > > productivity as a human being. She couldn't just spend 20 min running around > > the house picking up the dirty underwear off the floor before the bishop > > came over (this is the religious leader in the religion I was raised with). > > She either did nothing and then laid on the bed crying about it or attacked > > us for not knowing she had invited him, or she flipped out and cleaned the > > whole house, starting 5 min before he was due and cleaning DURING the visit > > as if that would impress him with her industry. > > > > But the real problem was cooking. When I was really small she liked to bake. > > but the thing was, she couldn't just bake one or two batches of cookies. If > > she baked, she would get out the old fashioned sifter, and tie a bandana > > over her face (because she says she has alaphalactic shock level allergies > > to EVERYTHING from ordinary flour right down to her own sweat) and the she > > would sift like 10 lbs of flour. This would take at least 2 hours, She also > > had to clean the whole kitchen before she started, using 3 or 4 day old > > dirty dishwater to wipe everything down. She would then proceed to bake > > enough cookies for a bar mitzvah, spending about 10 hours, and then collapse > > and swear she would never bake again because it was too much work. > > > > Um hello, i could probably bake the amount of cookies needed in 45 min to an > > hour, and be done just as she was getting out her sifter and hunting down > > her bandana protection. > > > > And i need to tell myself that story every day for the coming year, because > > for me it is proof she should have been locked up or something. I mean, all > > I did was say " lets bake cookies (I'm 5 and I love the kitchen " and 14 hours > > later the whole house is covered in flour, nada is raging and crying and we > > have enough cookies to feed the entire 3rd world. Does she not know they > > don't keep forever? > > > > WEIRD > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 So weird about the dishwater - nada had the same aluminum pan for my entire life she did the dishes in. Probably still does. It was always in the sink and was rarely empty, full 99 percent of the time with rancid water. The sink was stained where it touched it. SO WEIRD - why that one weird similarity???? On Thu, Aug 25, 2011 at 8:59 AM, hrface2002 wrote: > ** > > > I think in my nada's case it was both extremes (towels - dishwater) > although the house in general was filthy. I used to look forward to whenever > she was hospitalized for her various medical complaints so I could clean the > house - it gave me a rare feeling of control. > > I have a friend whose nada made he and his brother sterlize the bathrooms > every Saturday. If she found the slightest bit of Comet residue on the sink > she would fly into a rage and make them do it over. > > > > > > > > > > > From: Girlscout Cowboy <girlscout.cowboy@> > > > Subject: Re: Re: 5 Nada Peeves > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > Date: Wednesday, August 24, 2011, 9:53 PM > > > > > > On the topic of going overboard - I CAN RELATE!!!!! > > > > > > My nada did this with EVERYTHING. And I can tell you, it can be > crippling to > > > productivity as a human being. She couldn't just spend 20 min running > around > > > the house picking up the dirty underwear off the floor before the > bishop > > > came over (this is the religious leader in the religion I was raised > with). > > > She either did nothing and then laid on the bed crying about it or > attacked > > > us for not knowing she had invited him, or she flipped out and cleaned > the > > > whole house, starting 5 min before he was due and cleaning DURING the > visit > > > as if that would impress him with her industry. > > > > > > But the real problem was cooking. When I was really small she liked to > bake. > > > but the thing was, she couldn't just bake one or two batches of > cookies. If > > > she baked, she would get out the old fashioned sifter, and tie a > bandana > > > over her face (because she says she has alaphalactic shock level > allergies > > > to EVERYTHING from ordinary flour right down to her own sweat) and the > she > > > would sift like 10 lbs of flour. This would take at least 2 hours, She > also > > > had to clean the whole kitchen before she started, using 3 or 4 day old > > > dirty dishwater to wipe everything down. She would then proceed to bake > > > enough cookies for a bar mitzvah, spending about 10 hours, and then > collapse > > > and swear she would never bake again because it was too much work. > > > > > > Um hello, i could probably bake the amount of cookies needed in 45 min > to an > > > hour, and be done just as she was getting out her sifter and hunting > down > > > her bandana protection. > > > > > > And i need to tell myself that story every day for the coming year, > because > > > for me it is proof she should have been locked up or something. I mean, > all > > > I did was say " lets bake cookies (I'm 5 and I love the kitchen " and 14 > hours > > > later the whole house is covered in flour, nada is raging and crying > and we > > > have enough cookies to feed the entire 3rd world. Does she not know > they > > > don't keep forever? > > > > > > WEIRD > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 Well, there are other nada traits that members here have remarked on from time to time, such as nadas who go batshit ballistic regarding what is/is not the *right* way to load the dishwasher or fold towels. Or nadas who feel compelled to chop off their daughters' long hair against the child's will. But I agree that the filthy, fermenting dish-washing water, sometimes also used to mop the floor and then wash more dishes in, is pretty freaking bizarre and so unsanitary that it makes me want to vomit just even thinking about it. I wonder if that particular behavior would be considered dangerous enough ( to her kids in particular) to warrant an involuntary psychiatric observation? I mean, honestly, that's got to be at the same level as eating rotting garbage out of dumpsters or fishing for snacks in the toilet bowl... truly legally insane behavior. You'd think? Seems like it ought to me, to me, anyway. -Annie > > > > > > > > From: Girlscout Cowboy <girlscout.cowboy@> > > > > Subject: Re: Re: 5 Nada Peeves > > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > Date: Wednesday, August 24, 2011, 9:53 PM > > > > > > > > On the topic of going overboard - I CAN RELATE!!!!! > > > > > > > > My nada did this with EVERYTHING. And I can tell you, it can be > > crippling to > > > > productivity as a human being. She couldn't just spend 20 min running > > around > > > > the house picking up the dirty underwear off the floor before the > > bishop > > > > came over (this is the religious leader in the religion I was raised > > with). > > > > She either did nothing and then laid on the bed crying about it or > > attacked > > > > us for not knowing she had invited him, or she flipped out and cleaned > > the > > > > whole house, starting 5 min before he was due and cleaning DURING the > > visit > > > > as if that would impress him with her industry. > > > > > > > > But the real problem was cooking. When I was really small she liked to > > bake. > > > > but the thing was, she couldn't just bake one or two batches of > > cookies. If > > > > she baked, she would get out the old fashioned sifter, and tie a > > bandana > > > > over her face (because she says she has alaphalactic shock level > > allergies > > > > to EVERYTHING from ordinary flour right down to her own sweat) and the > > she > > > > would sift like 10 lbs of flour. This would take at least 2 hours, She > > also > > > > had to clean the whole kitchen before she started, using 3 or 4 day old > > > > dirty dishwater to wipe everything down. She would then proceed to bake > > > > enough cookies for a bar mitzvah, spending about 10 hours, and then > > collapse > > > > and swear she would never bake again because it was too much work. > > > > > > > > Um hello, i could probably bake the amount of cookies needed in 45 min > > to an > > > > hour, and be done just as she was getting out her sifter and hunting > > down > > > > her bandana protection. > > > > > > > > And i need to tell myself that story every day for the coming year, > > because > > > > for me it is proof she should have been locked up or something. I mean, > > all > > > > I did was say " lets bake cookies (I'm 5 and I love the kitchen " and 14 > > hours > > > > later the whole house is covered in flour, nada is raging and crying > > and we > > > > have enough cookies to feed the entire 3rd world. Does she not know > > they > > > > don't keep forever? > > > > > > > > WEIRD > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 If I remember right, in addition to collecting old dishwater, my nada also would go batshit insane if I put the dishes away from the dishwasher. Her deal was, she didn't like, I mean abhored, the fact that I wouldn't redry them after running them through the dishwasher's drying cycle. she thought it was unsanitary to put a clean but possibly slightly damp dish away (we live in the desert, they dry in moments). I on the other hand, thought it was unsanitary to wipe a clean dish with a dirty dishtowel and then put it away. She insisted to the death and the pain (if you remember the princes bride) that a dirty dishtowel was just fine for wipe clean water of a clean dish. So I eventually just stopped unloading the dishwasher. And she also had an OCD way of washing the dishes, not to get stuff off of them, but to soap them all up (again in cold dirty dishwater 9 days old) and then put them in the dishwasher. If you didn't stick your hands in the 9 day old cold and stinking dishwater with each dish, you were doing it wrong and clearly had no idea how to wash dishes. And that my friends, is why her kitchen was always filthy. Because I wasn't going to do it the " right " way for anything in the world. I'm thinking that show where you face your fears should call some KOs to get their new challenges - bug on the face- no big freaking deal, but how about you have a nice glass of 3 time used mop water dishes and we will see if you throw up. What is that show called? There was also a rage to the brink of violence when i was a teenager because I threw away 2 year old carnation instant breakfast when I cleaned all the cupboards out. 6 months later she discovered it and all batshit crazy mother effing hell broke lose. On Thu, Aug 25, 2011 at 2:08 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > ** > > > Well, there are other nada traits that members here have remarked on from > time to time, such as nadas who go batshit ballistic regarding what is/is > not the *right* way to load the dishwasher or fold towels. Or nadas who feel > compelled to chop off their daughters' long hair against the child's will. > > But I agree that the filthy, fermenting dish-washing water, sometimes also > used to mop the floor and then wash more dishes in, is pretty freaking > bizarre and so unsanitary that it makes me want to vomit just even thinking > about it. > > I wonder if that particular behavior would be considered dangerous enough ( > to her kids in particular) to warrant an involuntary psychiatric > observation? > > I mean, honestly, that's got to be at the same level as eating rotting > garbage out of dumpsters or fishing for snacks in the toilet bowl... truly > legally insane behavior. > > You'd think? Seems like it ought to me, to me, anyway. > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > From: Girlscout Cowboy <girlscout.cowboy@> > > > > > Subject: Re: Re: 5 Nada Peeves > > > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > > Date: Wednesday, August 24, 2011, 9:53 PM > > > > > > > > > > On the topic of going overboard - I CAN RELATE!!!!! > > > > > > > > > > My nada did this with EVERYTHING. And I can tell you, it can be > > > crippling to > > > > > productivity as a human being. She couldn't just spend 20 min > running > > > around > > > > > the house picking up the dirty underwear off the floor before the > > > bishop > > > > > came over (this is the religious leader in the religion I was > raised > > > with). > > > > > She either did nothing and then laid on the bed crying about it or > > > attacked > > > > > us for not knowing she had invited him, or she flipped out and > cleaned > > > the > > > > > whole house, starting 5 min before he was due and cleaning DURING > the > > > visit > > > > > as if that would impress him with her industry. > > > > > > > > > > But the real problem was cooking. When I was really small she liked > to > > > bake. > > > > > but the thing was, she couldn't just bake one or two batches of > > > cookies. If > > > > > she baked, she would get out the old fashioned sifter, and tie a > > > bandana > > > > > over her face (because she says she has alaphalactic shock level > > > allergies > > > > > to EVERYTHING from ordinary flour right down to her own sweat) and > the > > > she > > > > > would sift like 10 lbs of flour. This would take at least 2 hours, > She > > > also > > > > > had to clean the whole kitchen before she started, using 3 or 4 day > old > > > > > dirty dishwater to wipe everything down. She would then proceed to > bake > > > > > enough cookies for a bar mitzvah, spending about 10 hours, and then > > > collapse > > > > > and swear she would never bake again because it was too much work. > > > > > > > > > > Um hello, i could probably bake the amount of cookies needed in 45 > min > > > to an > > > > > hour, and be done just as she was getting out her sifter and > hunting > > > down > > > > > her bandana protection. > > > > > > > > > > And i need to tell myself that story every day for the coming year, > > > because > > > > > for me it is proof she should have been locked up or something. I > mean, > > > all > > > > > I did was say " lets bake cookies (I'm 5 and I love the kitchen " and > 14 > > > hours > > > > > later the whole house is covered in flour, nada is raging and > crying > > > and we > > > > > have enough cookies to feed the entire 3rd world. Does she not know > > > they > > > > > don't keep forever? > > > > > > > > > > WEIRD > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 One time I was staying with my nada (to care for her after she'd had a major operation) and she went quite ballistic on me because I threw away an old, torn box lid. She saved old boxes from year to year to use at Christmas, and this one was so beaten up and torn it was unusable. The decorative paper was half missing, the places where the lid forms corners were torn, it was so old it was soft, and it (according to nada) had no sentimental value. It was simply *hers*. I thought it was too beat up to be reused again, and thought I was doing a good deed to throw it away. Nada hates mess. But...she went batshit ballistic even though I promised to buy her a whole bag of brand-new boxes just like it. Never mind that I'd been there caring for her hand and foot for weeks and took time off work to do so (compassionate leave, for no pay) .... she *screams* at me over a box lid. ( If she hadn't been recovering from a major operation, I think she would have attempted to hit me. But I was faster, ha!) It just makes yet another big, fluorescent-pink-marker-pen highlight around just exactly how mentally ill my nada was and is. This is what insanity is, folks. Becoming *genuinely upset* and hurling *verbal abuse* at someon, over... a cardboard... box... lid.... (Still, I'll take my Nurse Ratchet and her hyper-clean house and sacred cardboard box lids over the fetid, mouldering dish-and-mop water problem any day. Still feeling nauseated over that concept... Just, wow....) -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > From: Girlscout Cowboy <girlscout.cowboy@> > > > > > > Subject: Re: Re: 5 Nada Peeves > > > > > > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > > > > Date: Wednesday, August 24, 2011, 9:53 PM > > > > > > > > > > > > On the topic of going overboard - I CAN RELATE!!!!! > > > > > > > > > > > > My nada did this with EVERYTHING. And I can tell you, it can be > > > > crippling to > > > > > > productivity as a human being. She couldn't just spend 20 min > > running > > > > around > > > > > > the house picking up the dirty underwear off the floor before the > > > > bishop > > > > > > came over (this is the religious leader in the religion I was > > raised > > > > with). > > > > > > She either did nothing and then laid on the bed crying about it or > > > > attacked > > > > > > us for not knowing she had invited him, or she flipped out and > > cleaned > > > > the > > > > > > whole house, starting 5 min before he was due and cleaning DURING > > the > > > > visit > > > > > > as if that would impress him with her industry. > > > > > > > > > > > > But the real problem was cooking. When I was really small she liked > > to > > > > bake. > > > > > > but the thing was, she couldn't just bake one or two batches of > > > > cookies. If > > > > > > she baked, she would get out the old fashioned sifter, and tie a > > > > bandana > > > > > > over her face (because she says she has alaphalactic shock level > > > > allergies > > > > > > to EVERYTHING from ordinary flour right down to her own sweat) and > > the > > > > she > > > > > > would sift like 10 lbs of flour. This would take at least 2 hours, > > She > > > > also > > > > > > had to clean the whole kitchen before she started, using 3 or 4 day > > old > > > > > > dirty dishwater to wipe everything down. She would then proceed to > > bake > > > > > > enough cookies for a bar mitzvah, spending about 10 hours, and then > > > > collapse > > > > > > and swear she would never bake again because it was too much work. > > > > > > > > > > > > Um hello, i could probably bake the amount of cookies needed in 45 > > min > > > > to an > > > > > > hour, and be done just as she was getting out her sifter and > > hunting > > > > down > > > > > > her bandana protection. > > > > > > > > > > > > And i need to tell myself that story every day for the coming year, > > > > because > > > > > > for me it is proof she should have been locked up or something. I > > mean, > > > > all > > > > > > I did was say " lets bake cookies (I'm 5 and I love the kitchen " and > > 14 > > > > hours > > > > > > later the whole house is covered in flour, nada is raging and > > crying > > > > and we > > > > > > have enough cookies to feed the entire 3rd world. Does she not know > > > > they > > > > > > don't keep forever? > > > > > > > > > > > > WEIRD > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2011 Report Share Posted August 26, 2011 That " stick-slap, stick-slap " (ewwwww, BTW) reminds me that my nada used to borrow my shoes all the time without asking, except she'd wear them barefoot and crush the heels, wearing them more like slippers than the loafers/sneakers that they were constructed to be. She'd returned them all misshapen and funny-smelling. She never understood why that upset me. > > > > Hi everyone, > > > > I've been NC for a (happy!) good while now, but sometimes tangible nada memories pop up and haunt me. A few have been bothering me a lot lately, so I thought I'd do one of these modern list-posts, and invite the rest of you to do the same, if it seems helpful to you. > > > > 1. Rearranging my dishes in the dishwasher. It was very important to nada to hold steadfast to the truth that I was incapable of properly loading the dishwasher. She would hound me and stand behind me and rearrange them, with much huffing and fanfare and disgusted objection. She never, never tired of this task. It was a life and death matter that she prove what a failure I was at dishloading. *Every time. > > > > 2. Paper towels. Nada could not keep her household stocked with paper towels. As often as not, there were no paper towels. It may sound like a little thing--but there was no constancy. At ALL. > > > > 3. Constant disrepair. Something in the house was *always broken. It was never something truly dangerous--just, inconvenient. The internet would be out. Or the TV remote, or the TV itself. Or the dishwasher. Or there would be no bed in the guest room, because she was refurnishing it. > > > > 4. This one is by FAR the worst one for me. This was quite possibly her favorite thing on earth to do for many years. Whenever I would come home for a visit (for I lived out of town), she would invariably have plans to be out of the house the next day, and while she was gone, some kind of worker would be hired to come to the house, and I'd have to handle it. Like--someone to mow the yard, clean the pool, fix the sink--it could be any variety of things. My trips in would be either on school breaks or work vacations, and I would travel far to visit home, and she knew that I *hated dealing with this for her, and it was her FAVORITE thing to do. > > > > 5. Coffee. We are all coffee drinkers in my family. Nada is patently incapable of keeping a steady supply of coffee, milk or cream and sugar. Or--maybe she just loves to torture everyone by keeping it unpredictable. You can never count on there being coffee available in the morning at nada's. It might not be. As often as not, something will be missing--ESPECIALLY if she knows you prefer your coffee a certain way. > > > > There are millions more, but these are some that have been particularly bothering me lately, as I go about my day. Thanks for list-ening! > > > > --Charlie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2011 Report Share Posted August 26, 2011 Hoarders - I love this show. Partly because it's helpful to see other family members dealing with someone who, because of their mental illness, truly does not " get it, " and partly because it makes me feel better that my house never got *that* bad growing up (though I know that's not really healthy thinking - the state my house is in IS still a problem). My dad and siblings and I were able to mostly keep the mess down. It was only when Nada tried to clean that we had to do everything over because she was just...gross. Hoarders is what I watch when I'm doing chores I hate (read: laundry), lol. It makes me feel all icky to watch and keeps me motivated. Subject: Re: 5 Nada Peeves To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Thursday, August 25, 2011, 7:44 AM  Its really amazing how similar nada behaviors are, that I read about here (and at other adult child-of-bpd support groups I've been in) in that they tend to fall into the extreme range, including the extreme ends of the " clean vs filth " spectrum. Its definitely part of the " black or white " , or " all or nothing " behavior patterns of bpd, and possibly shades over into obsessive-compulsive *personality disorder* as well (which is not the same thing, confusingly, as obsessive compulsive disorder.) My bpd/npd nada was (and still may be) at the clean-freak end of the spectrum. Hyper clean. Hyper organized. A smudge, or something out of place could trigger her into a rage. Having people over would cause her to go into super-hyper-drive and we'd have to start cleaning the clean the weekend before the event. And everything had to be cleaned *the right way*, clothes and towels folded *the right way*, beds made *the right way*, etc. All this panic-level cleaning was done to an accompaniment of shrieking criticism as to how stupid and lazy we were, because we weren't cleaning *fast enough* or doing it *the right way*. In some cases nada would undo what we'd just done, like a bed, and make us do it over again. My home wasn't warm, friendly or comfortable. It felt like living in a museum, or a hospital. Sister and I weren't even allowed in the living room at all. It had to be kept perfect. Most of the time it looked as though nobody actually lived in our house. Needless to say, if I wanted to play with other children, I did it at their house. It was not OK for me to bring friends over. Not overtly spoken, but my nada would hover around us or nearby, be so tense and critical, not hospitable, and might even be likely to shame me in front of a friend, that I was just sort of subliminally trained that I wasn't welcome to bring my friends over. It wasn't " my " house, or even " our " house, it was *nada's house*. The shockingly filthy, disorganized nadas are at the other end of the spectrum. As bad as the hospital-operating-room-level-of-sterile nadas are, the filthy ones are actually causing harm to their children. Children are sometimes removed from super-filthy homes for their own protection. There are diseases and bad health conditions that can be inflicted on children due to living in filth. Children can develop life-threatening allergies to the dust, animal dander, mold, and decomposing food (or decomposing animal bodies) in filthy homes. Not to mention that cockroaches, lice, fleas, mice, rats and ticks carry diseases and actually eat you. That's why they're crawling on you, they're there to feed on you, and share with you whatever bacteria or botulism or plague they happen to be carrying at the moment. Vermin are attracted to rotting food and garbage, and piled up animal feces and urine. The TV show " Hoarders " was a really good public education for how bad this behavior can get, and indeed on some of the shows the children had been removed from the home, and the parents had finally agreed to have their filthy home cleaned and junk removed in order to get their children back. Too clean vs too filthy: extremism: just another big red waving flag that some individuals need to get their disordered, whacked-out selves into therapy and learn how to modify and control their abnormal behaviors before they even think about having kids. But, I guess that is just fantasy pie in the sky, flying pink unicorns thinking. -Annie > > > Subject: Re: Re: 5 Nada Peeves > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > Date: Wednesday, August 24, 2011, 9:53 PM > > On the topic of going overboard - I CAN RELATE!!!!! > > My nada did this with EVERYTHING. And I can tell you, it can be crippling to > productivity as a human being. She couldn't just spend 20 min running around > the house picking up the dirty underwear off the floor before the bishop > came over (this is the religious leader in the religion I was raised with). > She either did nothing and then laid on the bed crying about it or attacked > us for not knowing she had invited him, or she flipped out and cleaned the > whole house, starting 5 min before he was due and cleaning DURING the visit > as if that would impress him with her industry. > > But the real problem was cooking. When I was really small she liked to bake. > but the thing was, she couldn't just bake one or two batches of cookies. If > she baked, she would get out the old fashioned sifter, and tie a bandana > over her face (because she says she has alaphalactic shock level allergies > to EVERYTHING from ordinary flour right down to her own sweat) and the she > would sift like 10 lbs of flour. This would take at least 2 hours, She also > had to clean the whole kitchen before she started, using 3 or 4 day old > dirty dishwater to wipe everything down. She would then proceed to bake > enough cookies for a bar mitzvah, spending about 10 hours, and then collapse > and swear she would never bake again because it was too much work. > > Um hello, i could probably bake the amount of cookies needed in 45 min to an > hour, and be done just as she was getting out her sifter and hunting down > her bandana protection. > > And i need to tell myself that story every day for the coming year, because > for me it is proof she should have been locked up or something. I mean, all > I did was say " lets bake cookies (I'm 5 and I love the kitchen " and 14 hours > later the whole house is covered in flour, nada is raging and crying and we > have enough cookies to feed the entire 3rd world. Does she not know they > don't keep forever? > > WEIRD > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 " It's not that I don't love Jane anymore; it's just that Judy is so much more affectionate. " I had to listen this kind of sentences all my youth. They never ever told me that I'm good in anything. " You are clever, but your Sister really is intelligent " (I learnt how to read by myself when I was 3 years old, was brilliant at school without any effort and my sister had to learn for hours and hours to get good grades.) " You now how to draw I agree...but your Sister really has talent. " It was opposite too. And so on and on. Or they told me " you did (are) good in that but........ " and totally diminish everything they told me whit some stupid remark. Nada ( the only one who is still alive) hate my success now. Whenever I make a very good article she always ask me " And what your boss thinks about this article? Does he likes it too? ...) in a tone : " You are totaly incompetent and probably get your job by mistake because nobody notice who you really are and it is really strange that nobody see that after all that time. " She is of course happy to get all the intention because of her doughtier but probably totally pissed off because I succeed in my life. And she still tries to find any possible way to diminish that. And nada and filth.....yuck! I never eat ( or sleep) at her house. it makes me sick. And whenever I'm asking her why she doesn't clean at least a bit the answer is always the same : " It is not that bad and I really have no time for everything " She doesn't have friends, goes nowhere, does nothing ( except a little bit of gardening) and she is always complaining that she has no time and use that as a reason for not doing anything at all. yenaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 That is a very exacting description of what its like to be the scapegoated child in a dysfunctional family. No matter how good, how smart, how talented, how loving the scapegoated child actually is, no matter HOW hard he or she tries, scapegoat-child is never good *enough*. And, to rub salt in the wound of the pd parent's indifference to the scapegoated child's need for approval, the golden-child sib is always pronounced to be better. Even if the golden-child sibling is a child-molesting crack-whore, he or she is " better " than the scapegoat child can ever hope to be, in bpd mother's eyes. Its hard to wrap our minds around this level of irrationality. The bpd person's feelings, choices and preferences are NOT rational, so the fact that your bpd mother preferred your sister no matter what, is not something you can reason with. The only thing we can do in such cases is to stop trying to have a real relationship with bpd mom, because you can't have a rational, deep or meaningful relationship with an irrational person. A very superficial, acquaintance-level relationship is about all she is capable of. If you stop sharing anything that is truly meaningful to you or close to your heart, your bpd mother can't use it to hurt you with any longer. I think its more beneficial for our own mental health to allow ourselves to stop seeking *their* love, approval and validation, so we can start giving love, approval, and validation to ourselves. That's my theory anyway. And I think that one of the key factors that has kept many of us trapped in this irrational relationship is that there was no adult during our growing-up years who was able or willing to speak plainly and truthfully to us: " Your mother/father is insane/your parents are insane. Its not your fault. You did not make her that way, and you can't make her well. She is not capable of loving you or parenting you in a normal way. The way she treats you is based on her own disordered, irrational thoughts and feelings and has nothing to do with you or with reality. You do not deserve to be denigrated, shamed, humiliated, terrorized, beaten, ignored, neglected, treated as a rival or an unwanted burden, used as a human punching bag, as an unpaid nanny and housemaid, as an unpaid therapist or substitute spouse. That's not parenting, that's emotional /physical /sexual abuse. No child deserves that. You deserve better, but unfortunately, those are the cards you were dealt. When you are 18, you will be an adult and you can leave your parents' home and be your own person. You are intelligent, you have talent, and you have a loving heart; you will do well in this world. So... work hard in school, do the best you can, and just hang in there until you are an adult. Then you will be free. " -Annie > > > " It's not that I don't love Jane > anymore; it's just that Judy is so much more affectionate. " > > I had to listen this kind of sentences all my youth. They never ever told me that I'm good in anything. > " You are clever, but your Sister really is intelligent " (I learnt how to read by myself when I was 3 years old, was brilliant at school without any effort and my sister had to learn for hours and hours to get good grades.) > " You now how to draw I agree...but your Sister really has talent. " It was opposite too. And so on and on. > > Or they told me " you did (are) good in that but........ " and totally diminish everything they told me whit some stupid remark. > > Nada ( the only one who is still alive) hate my success now. Whenever I make a very good article she always ask me " And what your boss thinks about this article? Does he likes it too? ...) in a tone : " You are totaly incompetent and probably get your job by mistake because nobody notice who you really are and it is really strange that nobody see that after all that time. " She is of course happy to get all the intention because of her doughtier but probably totally pissed off because I succeed in my life. And she still tries to find any possible way to diminish that. > > And nada and filth.....yuck! I never eat ( or sleep) at her house. it makes me sick. And whenever I'm asking her why she doesn't clean at least a bit the answer is always the same : " It is not that bad and I really have no time for everything " > > She doesn't have friends, goes nowhere, does nothing ( except a little bit of gardening) and she is always complaining that she has no time and use that as a reason for not doing anything at all. > > yenaine > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 Annie, I agree with you completely!!! You have to go away as soon as possible and start living your own life without sharing important things with nada or fada. You have to stop fixing them and stop trying to get any kind of approval. It is hard to do all this but it is worth it and with some work and time it gets easier. It is probably the only way to live a normal life. And maybe it is even easier for the scapegoat child. You can sooner see the hard truth.You can easier rebel and you can be easier angry. For my sister ( the golden child) life was much harder. She had a lot of problems (extreme anxiety, phobias) and she even indirectly died because of that. She just couldn't get all the picture and step out of it. Yenaine Yenaine > > The only thing we can do in such cases is to stop trying to have a real relationship with bpd mom, because you can't have a rational, deep or meaningful relationship with an irrational person. > > A very superficial, acquaintance-level relationship is about all she is capable of. If you stop sharing anything that is truly meaningful to you or close to your heart, your bpd mother can't use it to hurt you with any longer. > > I think its more beneficial for our own mental health to allow ourselves to stop seeking *their* love, approval and validation, so we can start giving love, approval, and validation to ourselves. > > That's my theory anyway. > > And I think that one of the key factors that has kept many of us trapped in this irrational relationship is that there was no adult during our growing-up years who was able or willing to speak plainly and truthfully to us: > > " Your mother/father is insane/your parents are insane. Its not your fault. You did not make her that way, and you can't make her well. > > She is not capable of loving you or parenting you in a normal way. > > The way she treats you is based on her own disordered, irrational thoughts and feelings and has nothing to do with you or with reality. > > You do not deserve to be denigrated, shamed, humiliated, terrorized, beaten, ignored, neglected, treated as a rival or an unwanted burden, used as a human punching bag, as an unpaid nanny and housemaid, as an unpaid therapist or substitute spouse. That's not parenting, that's emotional /physical /sexual abuse. No child deserves that. > > You deserve better, but unfortunately, those are the cards you were dealt. When you are 18, you will be an adult and you can leave your parents' home and be your own person. > > You are intelligent, you have talent, and you have a loving heart; you will do well in this world. So... work hard in school, do the best you can, and just hang in there until you are an adult. Then you will be free. " > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > " It's not that I don't love Jane > > anymore; it's just that Judy is so much more affectionate. " > > > > I had to listen this kind of sentences all my youth. They never ever told me that I'm good in anything. > > " You are clever, but your Sister really is intelligent " (I learnt how to read by myself when I was 3 years old, was brilliant at school without any effort and my sister had to learn for hours and hours to get good grades.) > > " You now how to draw I agree...but your Sister really has talent. " It was opposite too. And so on and on. > > > > Or they told me " you did (are) good in that but........ " and totally diminish everything they told me whit some stupid remark. > > > > Nada ( the only one who is still alive) hate my success now. Whenever I make a very good article she always ask me " And what your boss thinks about this article? Does he likes it too? ...) in a tone : " You are totaly incompetent and probably get your job by mistake because nobody notice who you really are and it is really strange that nobody see that after all that time. " She is of course happy to get all the intention because of her doughtier but probably totally pissed off because I succeed in my life. And she still tries to find any possible way to diminish that. > > > > And nada and filth.....yuck! I never eat ( or sleep) at her house. it makes me sick. And whenever I'm asking her why she doesn't clean at least a bit the answer is always the same : " It is not that bad and I really have no time for everything " > > > > She doesn't have friends, goes nowhere, does nothing ( except a little bit of gardening) and she is always complaining that she has no time and use that as a reason for not doing anything at all. > > > > yenaine > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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