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Why do they always feel so darn big?

I recently published a book in Amazon's Kindle store. I am, basically, an

unknown author. Nobody's heard of me. Nobody really has any reason to buy my

book.  I ran one of those free book promotions recently, and nearly 300 copies

were downloaded. This, other indie publishers tell me, is a very good figure.

Since that promotion about two weeks ago, I'd sold 5 copies of my book. Until

yesterday, when I sold another one. 

I was so excited that I'd sold another book. I just had to check again later to

see if I'd sold anymore. I hadn't. In fact, one of the books got refunded. 

:-(   I was devastated. Literally devastated - for a while, until I realized

that maybe the refund didn't have anything to do with my book at all. Or maybe

it did, and even if it did, so what? Those other copies hadn't been refunded.

I'm still " ahead. "  

My automatic response, I realize, was a direct result of living with my BPD/NPD

mother. Anything I try to do on my own will never be good enough. I'll never

make it. Why do I even bother? etc. I'm  currently reading Will I Ever Be Good

Enough?, and it's opening my eyes to a lot of those things - a lot of the

reasons why I feel like such a failure in everything (even though I'm really

not) and how I can start regaining the person that has been lost inside this

shell that's always lived in her shadow. 

As one interviewee in that book stated, " ... I don't feel like I can start

living until my mother is deceased. " Well, here's to hoping I don't have to wait

that long! Even though she's in her 60s now and has myriad health problems that

should've killed her long before this, I really feel that she'll outlive us all

out of spite! 

Oh, and by the way, I just checked my stats again, and I sold another book! Now

I need to quit being so obsessive about those stats! 

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Good luck with your book Alison!

That is a HUGE accomplishment even if nobody ever downloads it!

Congrats.

I too am reading " Will I ever be good enough? " What an eye opener!

Don't you wish that author could just adopt you? She sounds like such a

lovely woman.

I am now at the part where is it time to grieve. No problem there.

I just wanted to take a moment and thank all of you for your posts.

I don't post much but read them all and it is so helpful to me to hear these

stories and now know I am not alone in all of this.

I have never before been validated that my Nada is a Nada at all. She has

everybody fooled as we are a tiny family.

From about age 3, I was always the problem in the eyes of anybody close to

us although I have never been in trouble or asked for a thing.

It is wonderful to know others have experienced this too and that I am not

crazy or just have warped expectations of how a parent is supposed to

behave.

Thank you again.

Keep posting!

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Alice Spiedon

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 3:17 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: small failures

Why do they always feel so darn big?

I recently published a book in Amazon's Kindle store. I am, basically, an

unknown author. Nobody's heard of me. Nobody really has any reason to buy my

book. I ran one of those free book promotions recently, and nearly 300

copies were downloaded. This, other indie publishers tell me, is a very good

figure. Since that promotion about two weeks ago, I'd sold 5 copies of my

book. Until yesterday, when I sold another one.

I was so excited that I'd sold another book. I just had to check again later

to see if I'd sold anymore. I hadn't. In fact, one of the books got

refunded.

:-( I was devastated. Literally devastated - for a while, until I realized

that maybe the refund didn't have anything to do with my book at all. Or

maybe it did, and even if it did, so what? Those other copies hadn't been

refunded. I'm still " ahead. "

My automatic response, I realize, was a direct result of living with my

BPD/NPD mother. Anything I try to do on my own will never be good enough.

I'll never make it. Why do I even bother? etc. I'm currently reading Will I

Ever Be Good Enough?, and it's opening my eyes to a lot of those things - a

lot of the reasons why I feel like such a failure in everything (even though

I'm really not) and how I can start regaining the person that has been lost

inside this shell that's always lived in her shadow.

As one interviewee in that book stated, " ... I don't feel like I can start

living until my mother is deceased. " Well, here's to hoping I don't have to

wait that long! Even though she's in her 60s now and has myriad health

problems that should've killed her long before this, I really feel that

she'll outlive us all out of spite!

Oh, and by the way, I just checked my stats again, and I sold another book!

Now I need to quit being so obsessive about those stats!

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I absolutely know how you feel. I'm going through this at the moment. I don't

understand how such things can completely deflate us. I'm so sorry. The fact

that you were able to write a book and get it out there is amazing and way

beyond many of us. I hope you can hang on to that idea.

>

> Why do they always feel so darn big?

>

In fact, one of the books got refunded. 

> :-(   I was devastated. Literally devastated

> My automatic response, I realize, was a direct result of living with my

BPD/NPD mother. Anything I try to do on my own will never be good enough. I'll

never make it. Why do I even bother? etc.

> As one interviewee in that book stated, " ... I don't feel like I can start

living until my mother is deceased. " Well, here's to hoping I don't have to wait

that long! Even though she's in her 60s now and has myriad health problems that

should've killed her long before this, I really feel that she'll outlive us all

out of spite! 

>

> Oh, and by the way, I just checked my stats again, and I sold another book!

Now I need to quit being so obsessive about those stats! 

>

>

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- you have had more than anybody deserves.

I am sorry for the situation with your husband and your own.

I have not much to add other than some empathy for you.

My prayers are with you.

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Roganda

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 6:52 PM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: small failures

>

> I really identify with this. I never feel like anything I do will ever be

good enough.

>

>

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I too did really well in school but have had a really hard time sustaining

success in adult life. For me it largely comes down to social weakness. My

nada trained me to automatically act pleasing and submissive. That's not

actually my inner personality, but it is how I automatically act unless I

deliberately try not to. The brainwashing goes deep - I had to act that way to

avoid triggering her anger, to keep my life stable growing up. I've tried to

change for years, but the best I manage is to still be too submissive initially

and then blast people with both barrels when they take advantage. You can

imagine how well that worked for me in the shark infested corporate workplace.

It's one of the things that angers me most is that my nada raised me in such a

way that I'd have trouble taking care of myself " out in the world " . So

...please know you ARE good enough, you've probably just got a few

self-defeating brainwashed in behaviors. I truly hope somehow someway things

get better for you and your husband.

Eliza

> >

> > I really identify with this.  I never feel like anything I do will ever be

good enough.  

> >

> >

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:

You might be onto something there ... The curse. It seems that I've always been

floundering and not really making the most of my life. I did graduate from

college, but I never had any real clear idea of what I wanted to do. I went to

grad school because my major was psychology, and I figured I had to go to

graduate school to do anything in psychology. Interestingly enough, nada

discouraged me from doing anything with counseling psychology - hmm... wonder

why? ;-) So I ended up going the experimental route, but it wasn't really my

thing, and my advisor saw that, so she told me to take some time off and figure

out what it was I really wanted to do. Nada told me to get a job, so I did, and

I've had a series of basically unfulfilling jobs ever since then. ... This last

job I had was the most suited for me, but then I got pregnant a second time ...

I had intense pain for months post-op (second c-section). The doctor couldn't

figure out why. She thought it was an entrapped nerve, and she put me on a

variety of neuropathy drugs that didn't really do anything except change MY

personality to the point where I was completely unstable and horrible to live

with (except for the times when I was " high, " and then I was a pretty fun

person). One day, though, I looked down at DD2 and thought, 'Wow! You're a

pretty baby. Where did you come from?' And then another day, soon after that, I

slept all day (I was alone in the house with DD2 and knew I wasn't fully taking

care of her needs). I quit taking the drugs cold turkey, and my doctor FINALLY

recommended physical therapy (which actually DID help with the pain!). But, this

entire process took longer than the 12 weeks that are protected under FMLA. So

guess what? My job was eliminated. And when the position was reopened a few

months later, I was NOT rehired! I

haven't had much luck finding a " real job " since then, either.

With the type of work I do, though, I HAVE been able to find small jobs online,

but that just makes it all that much easier for nada to spy on me and criticize

me and tell me that I NEED to " go back to work " because it would be the best

thing for MY children. Really? But that's a whole other issue ... 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 6:52 PM

Subject: Re: small failures

 

>

> I really identify with this.  I never feel like anything I do will ever be

good enough.  

>

>

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, Irene, and :

Thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words! Writing the book and

getting it out there were both HUGE successes. They were. I know that. I just

don't FEEL it, if you know what I mean? I guess I'm just going to have to

retrain myself to focus on the things I DO accomplish, rather than the things I

DON'T (which, really, is what nada has trained me to do my whole life). 

I'm just now starting to realize that she DOESN'T WANT me to succeed - AT

ANYTHING. I would like to have a mother who roots for me to be the best I can be

and who wants me to do great things, but I know that just won't happen. She just

won't " let " me outshine her. Hopefully, one day, I'll have the strength to pull

myself up out of her sand trap and do more than she ever dreamed of doing

herself! 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 8:02 AM

Subject: RE: small failures

 

Good luck with your book Alison!

That is a HUGE accomplishment even if nobody ever downloads it!

Congrats.

I too am reading " Will I ever be good enough? " What an eye opener!

Don't you wish that author could just adopt you? She sounds like such a

lovely woman.

I am now at the part where is it time to grieve. No problem there.

I just wanted to take a moment and thank all of you for your posts.

I don't post much but read them all and it is so helpful to me to hear these

stories and now know I am not alone in all of this.

I have never before been validated that my Nada is a Nada at all. She has

everybody fooled as we are a tiny family.

From about age 3, I was always the problem in the eyes of anybody close to

us although I have never been in trouble or asked for a thing.

It is wonderful to know others have experienced this too and that I am not

crazy or just have warped expectations of how a parent is supposed to

behave.

Thank you again.

Keep posting!

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Alice Spiedon

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 3:17 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: small failures

Why do they always feel so darn big?

I recently published a book in Amazon's Kindle store. I am, basically, an

unknown author. Nobody's heard of me. Nobody really has any reason to buy my

book. I ran one of those free book promotions recently, and nearly 300

copies were downloaded. This, other indie publishers tell me, is a very good

figure. Since that promotion about two weeks ago, I'd sold 5 copies of my

book. Until yesterday, when I sold another one.

I was so excited that I'd sold another book. I just had to check again later

to see if I'd sold anymore. I hadn't. In fact, one of the books got

refunded.

:-( I was devastated. Literally devastated - for a while, until I realized

that maybe the refund didn't have anything to do with my book at all. Or

maybe it did, and even if it did, so what? Those other copies hadn't been

refunded. I'm still " ahead. "

My automatic response, I realize, was a direct result of living with my

BPD/NPD mother. Anything I try to do on my own will never be good enough.

I'll never make it. Why do I even bother? etc. I'm currently reading Will I

Ever Be Good Enough?, and it's opening my eyes to a lot of those things - a

lot of the reasons why I feel like such a failure in everything (even though

I'm really not) and how I can start regaining the person that has been lost

inside this shell that's always lived in her shadow.

As one interviewee in that book stated, " ... I don't feel like I can start

living until my mother is deceased. " Well, here's to hoping I don't have to

wait that long! Even though she's in her 60s now and has myriad health

problems that should've killed her long before this, I really feel that

she'll outlive us all out of spite!

Oh, and by the way, I just checked my stats again, and I sold another book!

Now I need to quit being so obsessive about those stats!

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Hi Eliza: I share your EXACT frustration and marginal failures with

corporate life and adult life in general. My additional twist on it is that

I have little ability to read the politics either. I guess this is because

my perceptions of things can be quite off thanks to all the black and white

thinking I was trained with. If it is not dead obvious I often don't get it.

This too is a corporate killer. I am reading " will I ever be good enough "

now and it promises to help with the self-defeating behavior many of us

experience as adults. I still have great hopes for both of us.

Best,

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of

eliza92@...

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 1:14 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: small failures

I too did really well in school but have had a really hard time sustaining

success in adult life. For me it largely comes down to social weakness. My

nada trained me to automatically act pleasing and submissive. That's not

actually my inner personality, but it is how I automatically act unless I

deliberately try not to. The brainwashing goes deep - I had to act that way

to avoid triggering her anger, to keep my life stable growing up. I've tried

to change for years, but the best I manage is to still be too submissive

initially and then blast people with both barrels when they take advantage.

You can imagine how well that worked for me in the shark infested corporate

workplace.

It's one of the things that angers me most is that my nada raised me in such

a way that I'd have trouble taking care of myself " out in the world " . So

...please know you ARE good enough, you've probably just got a few

self-defeating brainwashed in behaviors. I truly hope somehow someway things

get better for you and your husband.

Eliza

> >

> > I really identify with this. I never feel like anything I do will ever

be good enough.

> >

> >

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: That's interesting you mentioned the politics of the corporate world.

I, personally, learned early on that I could read them. I just didn't want to

play along, so I didn't. That's probably another reason why I've never gotten

very far! 

Here's hoping that Will I Ever be Good Enough? will help us get rid of the

self-defeating behavior. I've put the book aside for now (as recommended) to go

through the grieving/anger stage, but I can't wait to get through it and go on

with the " real " healing! 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 8:38 AM

Subject: RE: Re: small failures

 

Hi Eliza: I share your EXACT frustration and marginal failures with

corporate life and adult life in general. My additional twist on it is that

I have little ability to read the politics either. I guess this is because

my perceptions of things can be quite off thanks to all the black and white

thinking I was trained with. If it is not dead obvious I often don't get it.

This too is a corporate killer. I am reading " will I ever be good enough "

now and it promises to help with the self-defeating behavior many of us

experience as adults. I still have great hopes for both of us.

Best,

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of

eliza92@...

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 1:14 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: small failures

I too did really well in school but have had a really hard time sustaining

success in adult life. For me it largely comes down to social weakness. My

nada trained me to automatically act pleasing and submissive. That's not

actually my inner personality, but it is how I automatically act unless I

deliberately try not to. The brainwashing goes deep - I had to act that way

to avoid triggering her anger, to keep my life stable growing up. I've tried

to change for years, but the best I manage is to still be too submissive

initially and then blast people with both barrels when they take advantage.

You can imagine how well that worked for me in the shark infested corporate

workplace.

It's one of the things that angers me most is that my nada raised me in such

a way that I'd have trouble taking care of myself " out in the world " . So

...please know you ARE good enough, you've probably just got a few

self-defeating brainwashed in behaviors. I truly hope somehow someway things

get better for you and your husband.

Eliza

> >

> > I really identify with this. I never feel like anything I do will ever

be good enough.

> >

> >

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Hi Alice – Hmmm, you made me think about what I said a bit. I think often do

get it but try to approach the politics in a way that if I just treat everybody

fairly, don’t backbite, be honest and stay positive that I’ll be spared of

it all. Too often though I have ended up everybody’s *itch and scapegoat.

When I really look at it, I don’t think I have the confidence to play them. I

really hate the whole idea of aligning with this one or that one (sucking up)

and think it soooo unfair that we have to play these little games to do well.

Cant it be enough to do your job well and treat everybody as they would want to

be treated? Naïve, I know…. My idealistic views have often gotten me in

trouble.

I too am at the point where I am supposed to stop reading and grieve. Having

some trouble with it. Did you get a doll to talk to? I am hoping that will help

bring it out.

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Alice Spiedon

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 8:48 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Re: small failures

: That's interesting you mentioned the politics of the corporate world.

I, personally, learned early on that I could read them. I just didn't want to

play along, so I didn't. That's probably another reason why I've never gotten

very far!

Here's hoping that Will I Ever be Good Enough? will help us get rid of the

self-defeating behavior. I've put the book aside for now (as recommended) to go

through the grieving/anger stage, but I can't wait to get through it and go on

with the " real " healing!

________________________________

From: Manning <michelle@... <mailto:michelle%40eventgal.com> >

To: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 8:38 AM

Subject: RE: Re: small failures

Hi Eliza: I share your EXACT frustration and marginal failures with

corporate life and adult life in general. My additional twist on it is that

I have little ability to read the politics either. I guess this is because

my perceptions of things can be quite off thanks to all the black and white

thinking I was trained with. If it is not dead obvious I often don't get it.

This too is a corporate killer. I am reading " will I ever be good enough "

now and it promises to help with the self-defeating behavior many of us

experience as adults. I still have great hopes for both of us.

Best,

From: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com> ] On Behalf Of

eliza92@... <mailto:eliza92%40rocketmail.com>

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 1:14 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

Subject: Re: small failures

I too did really well in school but have had a really hard time sustaining

success in adult life. For me it largely comes down to social weakness. My

nada trained me to automatically act pleasing and submissive. That's not

actually my inner personality, but it is how I automatically act unless I

deliberately try not to. The brainwashing goes deep - I had to act that way

to avoid triggering her anger, to keep my life stable growing up. I've tried

to change for years, but the best I manage is to still be too submissive

initially and then blast people with both barrels when they take advantage.

You can imagine how well that worked for me in the shark infested corporate

workplace.

It's one of the things that angers me most is that my nada raised me in such

a way that I'd have trouble taking care of myself " out in the world " . So

...please know you ARE good enough, you've probably just got a few

self-defeating brainwashed in behaviors. I truly hope somehow someway things

get better for you and your husband.

Eliza

> >

> > I really identify with this. I never feel like anything I do will ever

be good enough.

> >

> >

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HI Alice,

Firstly, congratulations on your book! I think that's an enormous

accomplishment all on its own.

You make such a good point, that we have this automatic response to

disappointments from what we've learned at nada's feet.

For me, it's eating/body image issues. My parents reminded me DAILY of how less

than I was, how fat I was, how much more intelligent my brother is. My mother

would " joke " that the size of a person's forehead is an indication of their

intelligence (I have a very small forehead). Things like that.

I can hear nada's voice when I see myself in the mirror at times. It slowly,

over the years, has gotten less and less, but still, it's not easy to shake that

off.

I posted here last summer that I got a job promotion. I told nada. Her reply

was, " That's great! [pause]....but did you deserve it?? "

btw, your line, " I really feel that she'll outlive us all out of spite! " cracked

me up. My brother says this all the time. My brother who has discovered a love

for creating his own documentaries, which nada scoffs at and mocks ( " I don't see

why he spends all his time on that nonsense! it doesn't pay the bills. " ) behind

his back and to his face. Yet, despite her lack of respect for his work, he

dedicates his first film to her and my father. I was really surprised at that

and saw it as his continued attempt to win her favor. She still wasn't impressed

by the film or his having dedicated it to her.

I wish you continued great success with your book, Alice!! Yay that you sold

another copy! :)

Fiona

>

> Why do they always feel so darn big?

>

> I recently published a book in Amazon's Kindle store. I am, basically, an

unknown author. Nobody's heard of me. Nobody really has any reason to buy my

book.  I ran one of those free book promotions recently, and nearly 300 copies

were downloaded. This, other indie publishers tell me, is a very good figure.

Since that promotion about two weeks ago, I'd sold 5 copies of my book. Until

yesterday, when I sold another one. 

>

> I was so excited that I'd sold another book. I just had to check again later

to see if I'd sold anymore. I hadn't. In fact, one of the books got refunded. 

> :-(   I was devastated. Literally devastated - for a while, until I realized

that maybe the refund didn't have anything to do with my book at all. Or maybe

it did, and even if it did, so what? Those other copies hadn't been refunded.

I'm still " ahead. "  

>

> My automatic response, I realize, was a direct result of living with my

BPD/NPD mother. Anything I try to do on my own will never be good enough. I'll

never make it. Why do I even bother? etc. I'm  currently reading Will I Ever Be

Good Enough?, and it's opening my eyes to a lot of those things - a lot of the

reasons why I feel like such a failure in everything (even though I'm really

not) and how I can start regaining the person that has been lost inside this

shell that's always lived in her shadow. 

>

> As one interviewee in that book stated, " ... I don't feel like I can start

living until my mother is deceased. " Well, here's to hoping I don't have to wait

that long! Even though she's in her 60s now and has myriad health problems that

should've killed her long before this, I really feel that she'll outlive us all

out of spite! 

>

> Oh, and by the way, I just checked my stats again, and I sold another book!

Now I need to quit being so obsessive about those stats! 

>

>

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Unfortunately, no. I don't think that ever will be enough for dealing with the

corporate world, but wouldn't it be nice? :-)

As for the doll, not yet. That whole " talking to the doll " thing sounded a

little creepy to me, although I can see how it would be effective if done in the

right way. I did, however, get out an old baby picture my grandmother gave me

(I'm going to post about that later), and I talked to that baby in the picture.

I say " that baby " because I really have a hard time connecting who I am now with

who I was then (which, now that I think about it, may be my whole objection to

doing the doll thing - I don't really want to " connect " with that little girl.

Oh, the joys of trying to recover from past trauma! 

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 9:09 AM

Subject: RE: Re: small failures

 

Hi Alice – Hmmm, you made me think about what I said a bit. I think often do

get it but try to approach the politics in a way that if I just treat everybody

fairly, don’t backbite, be honest and stay positive that I’ll be spared of

it all. Too often though I have ended up everybody’s *itch and scapegoat.

When I really look at it, I don’t think I have the confidence to play them. I

really hate the whole idea of aligning with this one or that one (sucking up)

and think it soooo unfair that we have to play these little games to do well.

Cant it be enough to do your job well and treat everybody as they would want to

be treated? Naïve, I know…. My idealistic views have often gotten me in

trouble.

I too am at the point where I am supposed to stop reading and grieve. Having

some trouble with it. Did you get a doll to talk to? I am hoping that will help

bring it out.

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Alice Spiedon

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 8:48 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Re: small failures

: That's interesting you mentioned the politics of the corporate world.

I, personally, learned early on that I could read them. I just didn't want to

play along, so I didn't. That's probably another reason why I've never gotten

very far!

Here's hoping that Will I Ever be Good Enough? will help us get rid of the

self-defeating behavior. I've put the book aside for now (as recommended) to go

through the grieving/anger stage, but I can't wait to get through it and go on

with the " real " healing!

________________________________

From: Manning <michelle@... <mailto:michelle%40eventgal.com> >

To: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 8:38 AM

Subject: RE: Re: small failures

Hi Eliza: I share your EXACT frustration and marginal failures with

corporate life and adult life in general. My additional twist on it is that

I have little ability to read the politics either. I guess this is because

my perceptions of things can be quite off thanks to all the black and white

thinking I was trained with. If it is not dead obvious I often don't get it.

This too is a corporate killer. I am reading " will I ever be good enough "

now and it promises to help with the self-defeating behavior many of us

experience as adults. I still have great hopes for both of us.

Best,

From: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com> ] On Behalf Of

eliza92@... <mailto:eliza92%40rocketmail.com>

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 1:14 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

Subject: Re: small failures

I too did really well in school but have had a really hard time sustaining

success in adult life. For me it largely comes down to social weakness. My

nada trained me to automatically act pleasing and submissive. That's not

actually my inner personality, but it is how I automatically act unless I

deliberately try not to. The brainwashing goes deep - I had to act that way

to avoid triggering her anger, to keep my life stable growing up. I've tried

to change for years, but the best I manage is to still be too submissive

initially and then blast people with both barrels when they take advantage.

You can imagine how well that worked for me in the shark infested corporate

workplace.

It's one of the things that angers me most is that my nada raised me in such

a way that I'd have trouble taking care of myself " out in the world " . So

...please know you ARE good enough, you've probably just got a few

self-defeating brainwashed in behaviors. I truly hope somehow someway things

get better for you and your husband.

Eliza

> >

> > I really identify with this. I never feel like anything I do will ever

be good enough.

> >

> >

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Count me in this pool too--I found the social aspects of the corporate world a

complete foreign language. So I have looked for jobs in small offices--and those

have often been run by BPDs/NPDs who also can't play nice with others.

My fallback style is also submissiveness--get along at all costs, show them you

are the 'team player.' Then I find myself being the doormat and wondering how I

got in this place. I see others getting ahead, rewarded for not being social

phobics, or being able to negotiate the politics adeptly. Then I just shut down,

I isolate even more at my perceived rejection. I just don't know how to change

this dynamic for good.

In some of the material recently brought here on scapegoating, I realize that

those 'submissive' vibes I am giving off are causing me most of these problems.

But I do not know how to change this long term. I could start a job very aware

and avoid being submissive, but not sure I could keep reading the politics well

enough long term to avoid the same outcome--feeling like a loser, isolated and

beat up. And I am really sick of feeling like the victim! Feeling people shy! I

hate it!

>

> Hi Eliza: I share your EXACT frustration and marginal failures with

> corporate life and adult life in general. My additional twist on it is that

> I have little ability to read the politics either. I guess this is because

> my perceptions of things can be quite off thanks to all the black and white

> thinking I was trained with. If it is not dead obvious I often don't get it.

> This too is a corporate killer. I am reading " will I ever be good enough "

> now and it promises to help with the self-defeating behavior many of us

> experience as adults. I still have great hopes for both of us.

>

> Best,

>

>

>

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My therapist told me to get a doll, but I haven't yet. In true KO fashion, I

didn't know what doll to get, couldn't decide. Then I decided to get a

'customized' doll off the web that would remind me of little me--but then I put

that off because of the guilt/unnecessary expenditure of buying a $200 doll, for

chrissake!

I know, my KO qualities are coming across loud and clear on this one!

Add to that I *never* played with dolls, hated to actually. When I told my

therapist this tidbit she yelled " HA!! That means you REALLY need to do this

exercise! "

>

> I too am at the point where I am supposed to stop reading and grieve. Having

some trouble with it. Did you get a doll to talk to? I am hoping that will help

bring it out.

>

>

>

>

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Echobabe: LOL at your therapist's comment. Oh, wow!

I did play with dolls as a child - had lots of them. I always tried to be a

" good little mommy. " Â

I'm starting to think maybe I SHOULD get a doll. The more I think about it,

talking to (and dissociating from) my own baby pictures is starting to seem

creepier to me than talking to a doll ...

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 2:21 PM

Subject: Re: small failures

Â

My therapist told me to get a doll, but I haven't yet. In true KO fashion, I

didn't know what doll to get, couldn't decide. Then I decided to get a

'customized' doll off the web that would remind me of little me--but then I put

that off because of the guilt/unnecessary expenditure of buying a $200 doll, for

chrissake!

I know, my KO qualities are coming across loud and clear on this one!

Add to that I *never* played with dolls, hated to actually. When I told my

therapist this tidbit she yelled " HA!! That means you REALLY need to do this

exercise! "

>

> I too am at the point where I am supposed to stop reading and grieve. Having

some trouble with it. Did you get a doll to talk to? I am hoping that will help

bring it out.

>

>

>

>

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Guest guest

LOL!! Maybe we should start a company that makes acceptable baby-dolls for KO's!

I don't know what that would be, but the idea is intriguing.

>

> I'm starting to think maybe I SHOULD get a doll. The more I think about it,

talking to (and dissociating from) my own baby pictures is starting to seem

creepier to me than talking to a doll ...

>

>

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Guest guest

I love it! I just read a book about product creation and set-up. I might just

have to look into that. ;-)

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 3:02 PM

Subject: Re: small failures

Â

LOL!! Maybe we should start a company that makes acceptable baby-dolls for KO's!

I don't know what that would be, but the idea is intriguing.

>

> I'm starting to think maybe I SHOULD get a doll. The more I think about it,

talking to (and dissociating from) my own baby pictures is starting to seem

creepier to me than talking to a doll ...

>

>

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