I don't hate her...

[Guest guest]

One of nada's favorite things to say to me is, " You hate me. Just go ahead and

say it, and get it over with! " I have NEVER said I hated nada - not even when I

was a screaming, rebellious teenager. Why? Simply because it never has been a

true statement. I do not hate her. 

I hate myself for letting her constantly badger me, hoover me, blackmail me, and

flat-out control everything I do. There. I've said it. I HATE MYSELF! Which

doesn't make me feel any better, but it does give me a certain insight into why

I act and think the way I do. I don't even really know who I am, so I'm not sure

how that plays into the whole " hating myself " thing. How can I hate someone I

don't know?

But I know I don't hate her. I love her unconditionally because, for whatever

reason, she was the one I shared a body with for eight-nine months. We do have a

forever bond, whether I like it or not. I may express that love in conditional

ways (i.e., not going over to her house or talking to her on the phone everyday

as long as I know - or suspect - she's going to constantly scream at me and

criticize me or possibly harm one of my girls), but the love is always there,

ready to be freely given if only she would turn to me and say, " I'm sorry for

the way I've treated you all these years. You are your own person, and I need to

learn to accept that - not stifle it, like I've always tried to do. " Note: I

know she is NEVER going to say this. I'm not trying to live in a fantasy world.

Just wishful thinking. 

How do you come to terms with the fact, really, that you hate yourself? How do

you stop it?

[Guest guest]

Me personally, I think my nada because of her own untreated mental disorder,

projected her own self-loathing onto me, and because as a child I *desperately*

craved her attention, love, and approval, I accepted her view of me, to please

her.

I ended up attaching in a very unhealthy way to both my parents, aka " Stockholm

Syndrome " , in which the person who is your captor and tormentor is also your

" best-est best friend " and you give them your eternal loyalty.

So, I guess I don't believe in unconditional love when its between two adults,

even between an adult child and her parent.

If my father had taken advantage of the love and trust I had for him and had

sexually molested me when I was growing up, I think that would violate the

sacred parent-child bond of loyalty, and my father would not deserve my

unconditional love.

Similarly, I think that mothers who emotionally neglect or exploit or abuse

their children over and over, actually violate their " contract " . Abusive,

negligent, exploitative behaviors betray the sacred trust that society lays on a

mother to protect and nurture her child.

So, decades of emotional abuse (lashing out in rage, blaming, shaming,

name-calling, denigration, humiliation, undeserved punishments, etc.) emotional

neglect (starving a child for affection), and exploitation (using the child as a

substitute spouse, therapist, unpaid labor, etc.) eventually dried up my well of

unconditional love for my bpd mother.

When I went No Contact with her, finally, I didn't actually hate her, I just

finally realized that continuing to have contact with her was harming me,

re-traumatizing me. So at least in part, I was able to just stop caring about

her feelings. I became (mostly) indifferent to her feelings. I think the

opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

-Annie

>

> One of nada's favorite things to say to me is, " You hate me. Just go ahead and

say it, and get it over with! " I have NEVER said I hated nada - not even when I

was a screaming, rebellious teenager. Why? Simply because it never has been a

true statement. I do not hate her. 

>

> I hate myself for letting her constantly badger me, hoover me, blackmail me,

and flat-out control everything I do. There. I've said it. I HATE MYSELF! Which

doesn't make me feel any better, but it does give me a certain insight into why

I act and think the way I do. I don't even really know who I am, so I'm not sure

how that plays into the whole " hating myself " thing. How can I hate someone I

don't know?

>

> But I know I don't hate her. I love her unconditionally because, for whatever

reason, she was the one I shared a body with for eight-nine months. We do have a

forever bond, whether I like it or not. I may express that love in conditional

ways (i.e., not going over to her house or talking to her on the phone everyday

as long as I know - or suspect - she's going to constantly scream at me and

criticize me or possibly harm one of my girls), but the love is always there,

ready to be freely given if only she would turn to me and say, " I'm sorry for

the way I've treated you all these years. You are your own person, and I need to

learn to accept that - not stifle it, like I've always tried to do. " Note: I

know she is NEVER going to say this. I'm not trying to live in a fantasy world.

Just wishful thinking. 

>

> How do you come to terms with the fact, really, that you hate yourself? How do

you stop it?

>

>

[Guest guest]

Alice,

If you hate yourself because of what your nada did and said to

you, I think the first step to fixing that is to take a closer

look the idea of loving her unconditionally. She did the things

she did. It sounds to me like you're blaming yourself for what

she did, possibly because you feel you can't blame her because

you feel you're supposed to love her unconditionally. You are

NOT to blame for her behavior. Now that you're an adult, you are

responsible for your own behavior, but when you were a child you

probably didn't have a lot of viable choices for escaping from

her behavior. What she did to you then has almost certainly had

a large influence on how you've reacted as an adult. You were

brain-washed into reacting in the ways she wanted you to react

and emotionally abused so that your feelings for her and for

yourself weren't healthy. You didn't understand what was going

on and didn't have an expanation for why she acted the way she

did. Now that you have an explanation you can start sorting

things out from a more educated viewpoint. If you can accept

that her behavior was her responsibility rather than yours that

will hopefully allow you to view yourself in a more healthy

manner.

I have a big problem with the whole idea of " unconditional

love " . I don't think it is reasonable to believe that you should

love someone no matter what they do. Love is something that you

should feel because you care about someone as a person, not

because of their position in your life. I think the idea of

unconditional love contributes to abusers being allowed to

continue abusing and leads to unhealthy relationships. There's

nothing wrong with not loving someone who abuses you. Giving

birth doesn't give anyone a free pass. Neither does fathering a

child. I don't think that you should necessarily not love a

parent who has BPD, but I don't think you should get stuck

on the idea that your mother can do whatever she wants and

you're still going to love her, to the point where you end up

hating yourself because someone has to be blamed for the hurt

you feel and your blaming her isn't compatible with loving her

so strongly. Maybe I'm wrong about what is going on with you,

but that's the way your description makes it seem to me.

Hate is a destructive emotion, whether it is directed at someone

else or yourself.

If your feelings of self-hatred are stong enough, you may need

some professional help to change. Self-hatred tends to be

self-perpetuating.

At 06:56 AM 04/11/2012 Alice Spiedon wrote:

>One of nada's favorite things to say to me is, " You hate me.

>Just go ahead and say it, and get it over with! " I have NEVER

>said I hated nada - not even when I was a screaming, rebellious

>teenager. Why? Simply because it never has been a true

>statement. I do not hate her.

>

>I hate myself for letting her constantly badger me, hoover me,

>blackmail me, and flat-out control everything I do. There. I've

>said it. I HATE MYSELF! Which doesn't make me feel any better,

>but it does give me a certain insight into why I act and think

>the way I do. I don't even really know who I am, so I'm not

>sure how that plays into the whole " hating myself " thing. How

>can I hate someone I don't know?

>

>But I know I don't hate her. I love her unconditionally

>because, for whatever reason, she was the one I shared a body

>with for eight-nine months. We do have a forever bond, whether

>I like it or not. I may express that love in conditional ways

>(i.e., not going over to her house or talking to her on the

>phone everyday as long as I know - or suspect - she's going to

>constantly scream at me and criticize me or possibly harm one

>of my girls), but the love is always there, ready to be freely

>given if only she would turn to me and say, " I'm sorry for the

>way I've treated you all these years. You are your own person,

>and I need to learn to accept that - not stifle it, like I've

>always tried to do. " Note: I know she is NEVER going to say

>this. I'm not trying to live in a fantasy world. Just wishful

>thinking.

>

>How do you come to terms with the fact, really, that you hate

>yourself? How do you stop it?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I think it's pretty hard for us as humans to love unconditionally. Even the nice

people we know will annoy us at times. But I agree that there's no reason to

feel forced to love someone because they have a genetic connection to you. Being

around my nada is like putting my hand on a hot burner. I've been scorched so

many times by her anger that I don't feel obligated to keep putting myself in

harms way. I won't do anything to hurt her, I'll do errands if I can just as I

would for a neighbor but if she gets nasty, I'm pulling my feelings out of the

fire. I will back off. We may feel called to be kind but we don't have to be

abused.

>

> I have a big problem with the whole idea of " unconditional

> love " . I don't think it is reasonable to believe that you should

> love someone no matter what they do. Love is something that you

> should feel because you care about someone as a person, not

> because of their position in your life. I think the idea of

> unconditional love contributes to abusers being allowed to

> continue abusing and leads to unhealthy relationships. There's

> nothing wrong with not loving someone who abuses you.

[Guest guest]

Alice, I'd say your first step for not hating yourself is to forgive yourself.

I know that sounds cheesy but it's true. I won't go as far as hate, but I have

been angry at myself plenty of times for the ways in which I'm let my family

manipulate and use me over the years. All the times I fall for the times they

pretend they are loving and normal, like Charlie Brown trying to kick the

football and Lucy pulls it away. But nothing happens in a vacuum - nothing. We

were born into these families, brainwashed from the start, and ANY degree of

consciousness and separation we attain from what we were programmed to be is a

victory. Take a second to imagine who you would be, what your life would be,

if you put up NO resistance at all. Compare to now. I bet you feel some of

that hate letting go.

Eliza

>

> One of nada's favorite things to say to me is, " You hate me. Just go ahead and

say it, and get it over with! " I have NEVER said I hated nada - not even when I

was a screaming, rebellious teenager. Why? Simply because it never has been a

true statement. I do not hate her. 

>

> I hate myself for letting her constantly badger me, hoover me, blackmail me,

and flat-out control everything I do. There. I've said it. I HATE MYSELF! Which

doesn't make me feel any better, but it does give me a certain insight into why

I act and think the way I do. I don't even really know who I am, so I'm not sure

how that plays into the whole " hating myself " thing. How can I hate someone I

don't know?

>

> But I know I don't hate her. I love her unconditionally because, for whatever

reason, she was the one I shared a body with for eight-nine months. We do have a

forever bond, whether I like it or not. I may express that love in conditional

ways (i.e., not going over to her house or talking to her on the phone everyday

as long as I know - or suspect - she's going to constantly scream at me and

criticize me or possibly harm one of my girls), but the love is always there,

ready to be freely given if only she would turn to me and say, " I'm sorry for

the way I've treated you all these years. You are your own person, and I need to

learn to accept that - not stifle it, like I've always tried to do. " Note: I

know she is NEVER going to say this. I'm not trying to live in a fantasy world.

Just wishful thinking. 

>

> How do you come to terms with the fact, really, that you hate yourself? How do

you stop it?

>

>