Interesting twist on the NADA name

[Guest guest]

I just had a flashback to being a teenager and used to refer to my mother to

others in her actual name (we'll say Sally), not as " my mom " , or " my

mother " , etc.

Nothing prompted me to do this other than my refusal to acknowledge here as

a MOTHER.

Funny how we already know things even before we get real information.

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Manning

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 8:02 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: RE: small failures

Good luck with your book Alison!

That is a HUGE accomplishment even if nobody ever downloads it!

Congrats.

I too am reading " Will I ever be good enough? " What an eye opener!

Don't you wish that author could just adopt you? She sounds like such a

lovely woman.

I am now at the part where is it time to grieve. No problem there.

I just wanted to take a moment and thank all of you for your posts.

I don't post much but read them all and it is so helpful to me to hear these

stories and now know I am not alone in all of this.

I have never before been validated that my Nada is a Nada at all. She has

everybody fooled as we are a tiny family.

From about age 3, I was always the problem in the eyes of anybody close to

us although I have never been in trouble or asked for a thing.

It is wonderful to know others have experienced this too and that I am not

crazy or just have warped expectations of how a parent is supposed to

behave.

Thank you again.

Keep posting!

From: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com> ] On Behalf Of Alice Spiedon

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 3:17 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

Subject: small failures

Why do they always feel so darn big?

I recently published a book in Amazon's Kindle store. I am, basically, an

unknown author. Nobody's heard of me. Nobody really has any reason to buy my

book. I ran one of those free book promotions recently, and nearly 300

copies were downloaded. This, other indie publishers tell me, is a very good

figure. Since that promotion about two weeks ago, I'd sold 5 copies of my

book. Until yesterday, when I sold another one.

I was so excited that I'd sold another book. I just had to check again later

to see if I'd sold anymore. I hadn't. In fact, one of the books got

refunded.

:-( I was devastated. Literally devastated - for a while, until I realized

that maybe the refund didn't have anything to do with my book at all. Or

maybe it did, and even if it did, so what? Those other copies hadn't been

refunded. I'm still " ahead. "

My automatic response, I realize, was a direct result of living with my

BPD/NPD mother. Anything I try to do on my own will never be good enough.

I'll never make it. Why do I even bother? etc. I'm currently reading Will I

Ever Be Good Enough?, and it's opening my eyes to a lot of those things - a

lot of the reasons why I feel like such a failure in everything (even though

I'm really not) and how I can start regaining the person that has been lost

inside this shell that's always lived in her shadow.

As one interviewee in that book stated, " ... I don't feel like I can start

living until my mother is deceased. " Well, here's to hoping I don't have to

wait that long! Even though she's in her 60s now and has myriad health

problems that should've killed her long before this, I really feel that

she'll outlive us all out of spite!

Oh, and by the way, I just checked my stats again, and I sold another book!

Now I need to quit being so obsessive about those stats!

[Guest guest]

I call my nada " Mother " to her face and when talking about her

to other people who aren't close friends. She hates it. She

wants me to call her something that sounds more personal. I

absolutely refuse to use " mom " or any term of endearment with

her. I feel no such endearment. I often find myself wanting to

refer to her as " Nada " elsewhere and have to stop myself.

At 08:31 AM 04/11/2012 Manning wrote:

>I just had a flashback to being a teenager and used to refer to

>my mother to

>others in her actual name (we'll say Sally), not as " my mom " ,

>or " my

>mother " , etc.

>

>Nothing prompted me to do this other than my refusal to

>acknowledge here as

>a MOTHER.

>

>Funny how we already know things even before we get real

>information.

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Interesting that my mother requested that we don't call her " mom " .

> >I just had a flashback to being a teenager and used to refer to

> >my mother to

> >others in her actual name (we'll say Sally), not as " my mom " ,

> >or " my

> >mother " , etc.

> >

> >Nothing prompted me to do this other than my refusal to

> >acknowledge here as

> >a MOTHER.

> >

> >Funny how we already know things even before we get real

> >information.

> >

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

Wow - that's ugly!

I am sorry for you for that.

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of personconfused507

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 8:54 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: Re: Interesting twist on the NADA name

Interesting that my mother requested that we don't call her " mom " . [

Manning] wow

> >I just had a flashback to being a teenager and used to refer to

> >my mother to

> >others in her actual name (we'll say Sally), not as " my mom " ,

> >or " my

> >mother " , etc.

> >

> >Nothing prompted me to do this other than my refusal to

> >acknowledge here as

> >a MOTHER.

> >

> >Funny how we already know things even before we get real

> >information.

> >

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>

[Guest guest]

I think that nadas can find some reason not to like whatever we

choose to call them. Being able to choose what we call them

seems likely to give them a feeling of control over us. I'll

also note that my nada refuses to call me by my proper name.

Instead she uses a shortened form that she knows I don't like

and that no one else uses.

At 08:53 AM 04/11/2012 personconfused507 wrote:

>Interesting that my mother requested that we don't call her

> " mom " .

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I just don't call, and she doesn't call. Life is much more peaceful that way.

I called her about 2 months ago, and she found a way to hurt me even then, so I

just stay away. (And yes, I am talking about NADA)

BTW, I just found out what that meant. Is there a list of the acronyms you all

use here? If so, where is it?

Bill

Re: Re: Interesting twist on the NADA name

I think that nadas can find some reason not to like whatever we

choose to call them. Being able to choose what we call them

seems likely to give them a feeling of control over us. I'll

also note that my nada refuses to call me by my proper name.

Instead she uses a shortened form that she knows I don't like

and that no one else uses.

At 08:53 AM 04/11/2012 personconfused507 wrote:

>Interesting that my mother requested that we don't call her

> " mom " .

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I had a similar experience in that my nada began to insist IÂ address/call her

by her  actual name (not as " mom " , etc.)  once the following was well

underway: 1) I was conditioned to be the " parentified " child and the referee

for nada & fada & grandnada,*Â 2)Â the exploitation (using me as a substitute

spouse, therapist, chauffeur, personal assistant, bodyguard, lawyer, go-fer,Â

and for unpaid labor, etc.) .Â

* a grandnada is a would-be grandmother, NOT a 1970's Ford [Granada] !

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 5:31 AM

Subject: Interesting twist on the NADA name

Â

I just had a flashback to being a teenager and used to refer to my mother to

others in her actual name (we'll say Sally), not as " my mom " , or " my

mother " , etc.

Nothing prompted me to do this other than my refusal to acknowledge here as

a MOTHER.

Funny how we already know things even before we get real information.

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of Manning

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 8:02 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: RE: small failures

Good luck with your book Alison!

That is a HUGE accomplishment even if nobody ever downloads it!

Congrats.

I too am reading " Will I ever be good enough? " What an eye opener!

Don't you wish that author could just adopt you? She sounds like such a

lovely woman.

I am now at the part where is it time to grieve. No problem there.

I just wanted to take a moment and thank all of you for your posts.

I don't post much but read them all and it is so helpful to me to hear these

stories and now know I am not alone in all of this.

I have never before been validated that my Nada is a Nada at all. She has

everybody fooled as we are a tiny family.

From about age 3, I was always the problem in the eyes of anybody close to

us although I have never been in trouble or asked for a thing.

It is wonderful to know others have experienced this too and that I am not

crazy or just have warped expectations of how a parent is supposed to

behave.

Thank you again.

Keep posting!

From: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com> ] On Behalf Of Alice Spiedon

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 3:17 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

<mailto:WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

Subject: small failures

Why do they always feel so darn big?

I recently published a book in Amazon's Kindle store. I am, basically, an

unknown author. Nobody's heard of me. Nobody really has any reason to buy my

book. I ran one of those free book promotions recently, and nearly 300

copies were downloaded. This, other indie publishers tell me, is a very good

figure. Since that promotion about two weeks ago, I'd sold 5 copies of my

book. Until yesterday, when I sold another one.

I was so excited that I'd sold another book. I just had to check again later

to see if I'd sold anymore. I hadn't. In fact, one of the books got

refunded.

:-( I was devastated. Literally devastated - for a while, until I realized

that maybe the refund didn't have anything to do with my book at all. Or

maybe it did, and even if it did, so what? Those other copies hadn't been

refunded. I'm still " ahead. "

My automatic response, I realize, was a direct result of living with my

BPD/NPD mother. Anything I try to do on my own will never be good enough.

I'll never make it. Why do I even bother? etc. I'm currently reading Will I

Ever Be Good Enough?, and it's opening my eyes to a lot of those things - a

lot of the reasons why I feel like such a failure in everything (even though

I'm really not) and how I can start regaining the person that has been lost

inside this shell that's always lived in her shadow.

As one interviewee in that book stated, " ... I don't feel like I can start

living until my mother is deceased. " Well, here's to hoping I don't have to

wait that long! Even though she's in her 60s now and has myriad health

problems that should've killed her long before this, I really feel that

she'll outlive us all out of spite!

Oh, and by the way, I just checked my stats again, and I sold another book!

Now I need to quit being so obsessive about those stats!

[Guest guest]

Alison,

99.999999999999999999999999999999999% of all people who have published are

unknown authors. No one thinks this, because all they know about authors is

that JK Rowling, King, and Cornwell are all authors, and they

are household names and rich. But the vast, vast majority of people with a book

out are in your exact situation.

It has nothing to do with the quality of your book. It has nothing to do with

you. It's just the way things are.

In the late 90's my husband " hit the jackpot " with a big contest win, a New York

agent, a New York publisher, fantastic reviews from Kirkus and Publisher's

Weekly, and a Shamus award nomination. With these kinds of breaks, you'd think

sales and success would soon follow. Not so! So even the folks who get the big

luck, who you'd expect to be popular and have careers, don't.

What I'm trying to say is, don't feel bad. It is a very brave thing to do all

this work anyway even in the face of such overwhelming odds against success.

Sales numbers don't say anything about you personally, or your book.

--