Guest guest Posted April 13, 2012 Report Share Posted April 13, 2012 I have been reading thru the thread started by anonymousa56 with interest. I just had a conversation with my own nada. She realizes on some level that she effed up when she was out here last. For those of you that are new to recap, my husband passed away almost 5 months ago and while nada was here for just four days, she managed to make it all about her and use that time to get revenge on myself for a past offense (her opinion) and also to hurt her grandson who should have been her first concern by belittling his needs after he had just lost his daddy. Nada called me yesterday and essentially DEMANDED to know WHEN I was coming out to visit and if I was going to stay with her. I have always stayed with her in the past for at least a portion of my visits. My dad had bought a travel trailer for me to stay in during some of my longer trips home when he and then nada's husband were sick. I came home two summers in a row and stayed six weeks each time. I have realized that if I want any chance of maintaining any type of relationship with her, that I don't think I can stay with her again. She uses the time that she has me " trapped " either in a car or in her house, to harrang and harrass me about what she considers to be my past " wrongs " against her. The fact that she couldn't make it thru an extremely brief visit just after my husbands death without doing the things that she did, made me realize how bad she has gotten and realize too that I need to keep a bigger distance/boundary if I want to keep talking to her. any more words to help me get that across from my WTO family will be received with gratitude. C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 13, 2012 Report Share Posted April 13, 2012 Hi Cme, You weren't put on this earth to be your nada's emotional punching bag or her emotional toilet, and neither was your child. You have the right to protect yourself and your son from an abusive person. Sharing DNA with someone doesn't give them a free pass to treat you like sh*t. You don't have to explain or defend your decision to *anybody*. Your nada does not have to understand or approve that you are only coming for a very short visit and that you are staying in a nearby hotel this time. This is the best you can do, and its more than OK. (And more than she deserves, in my opinion.) The fact that you want to visit your nada *at all* is a gracious act of humanitarianism on your part in my opinion and your super-human generosity is completely lost on your nada, who should be grateful that you are willing to even speak to her. But, she is operating at a three-year-old's level of emotional intelligence (three year olds are not capable of empathy, selflessness or compassion; they are very narcissistic and demanding, and don't comprehend feeling personal responsibility, or remorse, and if you can get them to apologize I'm not convinced a three year old even understands what that is.) Your kindness and generosity in even considering keeping your nada in your life is lost on her. (The phrase " throwing pearls before swine " comes to mind.) If your extended family of origin is pressuring you in some way, you have the right to not discuss the issue with them, either. Its not their business. You don't owe them an explanation, and you don't need their approval. As in: " I've made my decision and its not open for further discussion. This is the best I can do. Thank you for understanding. " That's my opinion anyway. I hope you will find whatever solution works best for you and your son, whatever choice that is. -Annie PS: Here is the link to an article at the blog " Narcissists Suck " about protecting kids from emotionally abusive npd grandparents. I like what Valerious has to say on the subject. http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/search/label/Narcissist%20Grandparents > > I have been reading thru the thread started by anonymousa56 with interest. I just had a conversation with my own nada. She realizes on some level that she effed up when she was out here last. > > For those of you that are new to recap, my husband passed away almost 5 months ago and while nada was here for just four days, she managed to make it all about her and use that time to get revenge on myself for a past offense (her opinion) and also to hurt her grandson who should have been her first concern by belittling his needs after he had just lost his daddy. > > Nada called me yesterday and essentially DEMANDED to know WHEN I was coming out to visit and if I was going to stay with her. I have always stayed with her in the past for at least a portion of my visits. My dad had bought a travel trailer for me to stay in during some of my longer trips home when he and then nada's husband were sick. I came home two summers in a row and stayed six weeks each time. > > I have realized that if I want any chance of maintaining any type of relationship with her, that I don't think I can stay with her again. She uses the time that she has me " trapped " either in a car or in her house, to harrang and harrass me about what she considers to be my past " wrongs " against her. The fact that she couldn't make it thru an extremely brief visit just after my husbands death without doing the things that she did, made me realize how bad she has gotten and realize too that I need to keep a bigger distance/boundary if I want to keep talking to her. > > any more words to help me get that across from my WTO family will be received with gratitude. > > C > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 13, 2012 Report Share Posted April 13, 2012 the rest of my FOO, my brother and father, don't speak to nada. They are 100% supportive of ANYTHING I want to do. this is all nada, I don't really have much contact with her siblings and I don't know her current husband very well. I don't think he is a bad person, but he is kind of a non entity for me. He doesn't bother me or do much other than attempt to be humorous. I am not bothering to get to close to him, because nada has already married & divorced him once and then they got back together and re-married all in one year. *eye roll* My best friend says that if I tell nada, what I told her, that if I want to continue to be able to have any type of a relationship with her that I can't stay with her, that she might back off. It is still going to be seen as a rejection and a huge trigger, but that is the best I can do, given the circumstances. C > > > > I have been reading thru the thread started by anonymousa56 with interest. I just had a conversation with my own nada. She realizes on some level that she effed up when she was out here last. > > > > For those of you that are new to recap, my husband passed away almost 5 months ago and while nada was here for just four days, she managed to make it all about her and use that time to get revenge on myself for a past offense (her opinion) and also to hurt her grandson who should have been her first concern by belittling his needs after he had just lost his daddy. > > > > Nada called me yesterday and essentially DEMANDED to know WHEN I was coming out to visit and if I was going to stay with her. I have always stayed with her in the past for at least a portion of my visits. My dad had bought a travel trailer for me to stay in during some of my longer trips home when he and then nada's husband were sick. I came home two summers in a row and stayed six weeks each time. > > > > I have realized that if I want any chance of maintaining any type of relationship with her, that I don't think I can stay with her again. She uses the time that she has me " trapped " either in a car or in her house, to harrang and harrass me about what she considers to be my past " wrongs " against her. The fact that she couldn't make it thru an extremely brief visit just after my husbands death without doing the things that she did, made me realize how bad she has gotten and realize too that I need to keep a bigger distance/boundary if I want to keep talking to her. > > > > any more words to help me get that across from my WTO family will be received with gratitude. > > > > C > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 13, 2012 Report Share Posted April 13, 2012 I like things simple. What about just saying " I'm not going to be staying with you. " The end. She wants to know why? " I don't want to. " You don't have to have excuses or reasons to do what is best for you. She won't be able to understand anyway and would just use it to keep you in a circular argument. Do what you need to do, and don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain your decision. FWIW, I think it's great that you are able to see you need to protect yourself with some physical space anytime you do decide to visit her. Good on you for that. Sveta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 14, 2012 Report Share Posted April 14, 2012 Annie: Thanks for posting that article. Loved it! Without regard for the humanity of your child, that child becomes a tool in the hand of your NPD parent to hurt you. This will always result in moral and/or emotional harm being done to your child as well. OMG! How true is that? ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Friday, April 13, 2012 11:11 AM Subject: Re: Summer vacation is coming  Hi Cme, You weren't put on this earth to be your nada's emotional punching bag or her emotional toilet, and neither was your child. You have the right to protect yourself and your son from an abusive person. Sharing DNA with someone doesn't give them a free pass to treat you like sh*t. You don't have to explain or defend your decision to *anybody*. Your nada does not have to understand or approve that you are only coming for a very short visit and that you are staying in a nearby hotel this time. This is the best you can do, and its more than OK. (And more than she deserves, in my opinion.) The fact that you want to visit your nada *at all* is a gracious act of humanitarianism on your part in my opinion and your super-human generosity is completely lost on your nada, who should be grateful that you are willing to even speak to her. But, she is operating at a three-year-old's level of emotional intelligence (three year olds are not capable of empathy, selflessness or compassion; they are very narcissistic and demanding, and don't comprehend feeling personal responsibility, or remorse, and if you can get them to apologize I'm not convinced a three year old even understands what that is.) Your kindness and generosity in even considering keeping your nada in your life is lost on her. (The phrase " throwing pearls before swine " comes to mind.) If your extended family of origin is pressuring you in some way, you have the right to not discuss the issue with them, either. Its not their business. You don't owe them an explanation, and you don't need their approval. As in: " I've made my decision and its not open for further discussion. This is the best I can do. Thank you for understanding. " That's my opinion anyway. I hope you will find whatever solution works best for you and your son, whatever choice that is. -Annie PS: Here is the link to an article at the blog " Narcissists Suck " about protecting kids from emotionally abusive npd grandparents. I like what Valerious has to say on the subject. http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/search/label/Narcissist%20Grandparents > > I have been reading thru the thread started by anonymousa56 with interest. I just had a conversation with my own nada. She realizes on some level that she effed up when she was out here last. > > For those of you that are new to recap, my husband passed away almost 5 months ago and while nada was here for just four days, she managed to make it all about her and use that time to get revenge on myself for a past offense (her opinion) and also to hurt her grandson who should have been her first concern by belittling his needs after he had just lost his daddy. > > Nada called me yesterday and essentially DEMANDED to know WHEN I was coming out to visit and if I was going to stay with her. I have always stayed with her in the past for at least a portion of my visits. My dad had bought a travel trailer for me to stay in during some of my longer trips home when he and then nada's husband were sick. I came home two summers in a row and stayed six weeks each time. > > I have realized that if I want any chance of maintaining any type of relationship with her, that I don't think I can stay with her again. She uses the time that she has me " trapped " either in a car or in her house, to harrang and harrass me about what she considers to be my past " wrongs " against her. The fact that she couldn't make it thru an extremely brief visit just after my husbands death without doing the things that she did, made me realize how bad she has gotten and realize too that I need to keep a bigger distance/boundary if I want to keep talking to her. > > any more words to help me get that across from my WTO family will be received with gratitude. > > C > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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