we are moving, nada incommunicado

[Guest guest]

I am in a challenging stretch of family life.

In mid-Jan, we learned we would need to move for my husband's work. There is

much to grieve, as well as embrace. So many people are in the position of job

loss, so my DH having a job is a blessing. Our teen has been as positive as

possible, but I know he is grieving in his own way, though he keeps it to

himself.

I have limited screen time, as I am trying to limit my computer time so as to be

actively doing a house inventory (decluttering) and taking care of paperwork for

selling our house and purchasing (hopefully, with trepidation) our next home,

though our current one is not yet on the market. Monday is the day.

Lots of anticipations, time travelling and oh I want to write about it so as to

process better. I am that way, I am my nada's daughter: I need to communicate.

This explains part of my absence as of late, from this list.

But even more.... back some six weeks ago, I came to find I have injured my

writing (and mousing) arm with bad habits at the computer. And phone time also

screws with my posture, some, and activates a painful arm, from elbow to

shoulder and upper back. I don't have money during this move to do much more

than buy the trackpad I bought last weekend. I may end up trying Dragonspeech,

if I can be sure that I don't overuse my voice. (I am a big talker/problem

solver type)!

All those words leave my arm about worn out!

Before I finish I want to say that nada seems to have gone below radar. I had

one conversation with her in January when I shared the news of our move with her

(DH said it was the kindest thing to do). I very effectively set a boundary

during that conversation, when she started to tell me how bad it was to selll

houses at this time. Like I was born yesterday. She was really negative, and

bossy, and I put a cabash to that, while also telling her (for the first time in

a long while) that I loved her, and I needed her to be supportive, in helping me

stay focused on the good.

The next time she called me it was to talk bad about relatives whom I love and

am close to; it was as if there was nothing more important than that. Hell, I

was in a rough patch with accepting our move, so I set another boundary. And

later I backed it up with a letter telling her exactly what had bothered me,

again very cordially and very simply and directly.

I write post cards too. And hear absolutely nothing.

In trying to look for the good, I tell myself, , you are probably being

spared a lot of frustration and heartache. But it does hurt to be written off at

a time when even an adult child could use encouragement.

I tell myself that means I can learn to be my own best parent. That is true, but

I feel the pain and wanted to share that. Maybe this will speak to one of you

also going through a rough time.

I always find it interesting that the incommunicado times often come from NADA

when I am facing uncertainty.

~, who should be typing with her left hand.

[Guest guest]

My guess: Fear of abandonment is a key issue for those with borderline pd, so

maybe your nada has withdrawn to deal with her fear of abandonment, possibly?

She's proactively " cutting you off " before you " cut her off " by moving away?

In any case, that's good that despite everything that's going on, you have still

been able to maintain your reasonable, healthy boundaries with your nada.

And that IS wonderful that your husband has kept his good job and is being

offered this opportunity; keeping a good job is not easy to do these days.

Best of luck to you with the sale of the house, the relocation, and with your

overuse-of-muscles/tendons injuries. I had good results when I got physical

therapy for work-related carpal-tunnel syndrome and other aches and pains due to

bad posture RE my job, which includes using the computer, etc. The physical

therapist gave me exercises to do to strengthen my neck and shoulder and arm

muscles.

Keep us posted when you can.

-Annie

>

> I am in a challenging stretch of family life.

>

> In mid-Jan, we learned we would need to move for my husband's work. There is

much to grieve, as well as embrace. So many people are in the position of job

loss, so my DH having a job is a blessing. Our teen has been as positive as

possible, but I know he is grieving in his own way, though he keeps it to

himself.

>

> I have limited screen time, as I am trying to limit my computer time so as to

be actively doing a house inventory (decluttering) and taking care of paperwork

for selling our house and purchasing (hopefully, with trepidation) our next

home, though our current one is not yet on the market. Monday is the day.

>

> Lots of anticipations, time travelling and oh I want to write about it so as

to process better. I am that way, I am my nada's daughter: I need to

communicate.

>

> This explains part of my absence as of late, from this list.

>

> But even more.... back some six weeks ago, I came to find I have injured my

writing (and mousing) arm with bad habits at the computer. And phone time also

screws with my posture, some, and activates a painful arm, from elbow to

shoulder and upper back. I don't have money during this move to do much more

than buy the trackpad I bought last weekend. I may end up trying Dragonspeech,

if I can be sure that I don't overuse my voice. (I am a big talker/problem

solver type)!

>

>

> All those words leave my arm about worn out!

>

> Before I finish I want to say that nada seems to have gone below radar. I had

one conversation with her in January when I shared the news of our move with her

(DH said it was the kindest thing to do). I very effectively set a boundary

during that conversation, when she started to tell me how bad it was to selll

houses at this time. Like I was born yesterday. She was really negative, and

bossy, and I put a cabash to that, while also telling her (for the first time in

a long while) that I loved her, and I needed her to be supportive, in helping me

stay focused on the good.

>

> The next time she called me it was to talk bad about relatives whom I love and

am close to; it was as if there was nothing more important than that. Hell, I

was in a rough patch with accepting our move, so I set another boundary. And

later I backed it up with a letter telling her exactly what had bothered me,

again very cordially and very simply and directly.

>

> I write post cards too. And hear absolutely nothing.

>

> In trying to look for the good, I tell myself, , you are probably

being spared a lot of frustration and heartache. But it does hurt to be written

off at a time when even an adult child could use encouragement.

>

> I tell myself that means I can learn to be my own best parent. That is true,

but I feel the pain and wanted to share that. Maybe this will speak to one of

you also going through a rough time.

>

> I always find it interesting that the incommunicado times often come from NADA

when I am facing uncertainty.

>

> ~, who should be typing with her left hand.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the abandonment piece, Annie. That would make good sense if we lived

in the same town.

But we've been living across the country for over twenty years. So the

incommunicado is stumping me. I thought it might have to do with her own anxiety

about moves...

Or maybe abandonment is the key. I have abandoned her as a support system by

giving her feedback that is (even gently) seeming to require her to change. At

78 years old and counting, change is harder for her.