Guest guest Posted April 15, 2012 Report Share Posted April 15, 2012 I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. " My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 15, 2012 Report Share Posted April 15, 2012 Ugh, I understand Exactly what you're going thru and I feel for you!!! I share your phone phobia, too. My nada would call and leave those types of messages often. (She doesn't for the time being Only bc I'm sick, live up the street with gnada, and have nothing to offer her. She will though once I'm better and living on my own again.) Anyhow, she'd say, " Hurry, call me back. It's important. I really need you. It's an emergency! " I'd think the worst, go into crisis mode, and call her back immediately only to have her tell me her neighbor's daughter is going out in a town where I use to live. ??? Really?!! Soooooo.....???!!!! And then when I'd ask how this was " an emergency " , she'd tell me she thought I should know. I'd hold my tongue and attempt to tell her I have to get back to work or whatever. Feeling slighted, she'd say the pathetic " Sorry I bothered you " and, " click " , hang up on me before I even finished the sentence...like I had mortally wounded her. It's as though they read from the same playbook! I liken it to " crying wolf " . One day there really is going to be an emergency but, by that time, will I/we even bother... G > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. " > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 16, 2012 Report Share Posted April 16, 2012 I have an iphone. I downloaded a ringtone that is the theme for the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of OZ. I use that ringtone specifically for my Nada. Although my stomach tightens when I hear it, I laugh too. My Dad's ring tone is the theme from the Twilight Zone, because that has been his life for the past 50 years whether he knows it or not. I love the iphone app store. > > > Ugh, I understand Exactly what you're going thru and I feel for you!!! I share your phone phobia, too. My nada would call and leave those types of messages often. (She doesn't for the time being Only bc I'm sick, live up the street with gnada, and have nothing to offer her. She will though once I'm better and living on my own again.) Anyhow, she'd say, " Hurry, call me back. It's important. I really need you. It's an emergency! " I'd think the worst, go into crisis mode, and call her back immediately only to have her tell me her neighbor's daughter is going out in a town where I use to live. ??? Really?!! Soooooo.....???!!!! And then when I'd ask how this was " an emergency " , she'd tell me she thought I should know. I'd hold my tongue and attempt to tell her I have to get back to work or whatever. Feeling slighted, she'd say the pathetic " Sorry I bothered you " and, " click " , hang up on me before I even finished the sentence...like I had mortally wounded her. > > It's as though they read from the same playbook! I liken it to " crying wolf " . One day there really is going to be an emergency but, by that time, will I/we even bother... > > G > > > > > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. " > > > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 16, 2012 Report Share Posted April 16, 2012 LOL, Dallas, My BFF wasn't quite so subtle, his ringtone for his nada was just Darth Vader breathing! The first time I heard it his phone it was sitting next to me on the couch and I almost jumped away. When he told me whose ring tone it was, I almost fell off the couch laughing. I gotta say, I love the wicked witch theme idea too. C > > > > > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > > > > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > > > > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. " > > > > > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > > > > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > > > > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 16, 2012 Report Share Posted April 16, 2012 No, you can t. Not one. Not with a BP. Remember in thier world, Everything is about filling the void in them. Every interaction with you is about reassuring themselves of thier worth, of your continued presense, of their needs being met. My mom would call and leave an " Urgent " message to call her right away. When I d call, she would want to bring up ( she was a hoarder as well, I should note) " Why did you throw my good dresses away? " I cleaned her hoarding mess once, and was compelled to take a ton of stuff to the dump, indescribably filthy stuff, and literally a ton, 2000 lbs. For the remainder of her life, she would periodically bring up something that I came in and thew away on her, and express her dismay as to why I would do such a thing. Conversely, she would go to the hospital for one of her hypochondriac sessions, or when she was out of Lortab or Xanex, and expressly NOT call me to let me know, or call me to take her home from the ER at 2 AM. Later, of course, she would be sure I knew how much the taxi cost her, how scared she was of the driver, and how she didnt want to bother me because she knew I had to work. Just as they don t know how to regulate thier emotions, they don t understand what is urgent and what is not. They want what they want, when they want it. A taxi was there right now, and would not ask about how she spent 8 hours at the ER trying to get drugs, then resented the ER staff for not taking her seriously. My solution? I don t have those conversations. You went to the ER and got home and didnt bother calling me till after the fact? Then it is all your problem, move on. You miss a dress I may have taken to the dump 4 years ago? Here is the paper I made you sign before I agreed to clean your apartment so you could get in the door. It was your choice. Stop laying your shit on me, mom. Next time, send her letter back at the PO, marked ( in my best Elvis voice) Return to sender. Address unknown. No such number. No one home. Doug > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. " > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 16, 2012 Report Share Posted April 16, 2012 Alice, I have phone phobia, too. God, I hate it. That's exactly something my mother does, too. Leaves a message sounding like it's a dire emergency, only to find out: " I got my PSE & G bill. Just wanted to let you know. " It's nothing that could not have waited or that she couldn't have just said on the voicemail, " I got my bill in the mail. " And, of course, if you dont assign it the same code-red urgency they do, they get upset. Sheesh. Sometimes, it just makes me super anxious when I see her number on my caller ID. > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. " > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 16, 2012 Report Share Posted April 16, 2012 ha ha!! It IS like they are crying wolf, exactly. > > > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. " > > > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 16, 2012 Report Share Posted April 16, 2012 Under such conditions it makes sense to me to set a boundary and only agree to have a phone conversation with nada once a week, at a predetermined time, such as " From now on I'll phone you at 10AM on Saturdays and we can catch up, you can tell me your news then, etc. But if you call me during the week with something that is not a life-or-death emergency, that means we skip a call next Saturday. " It might cause nada to pitch a fit, aka to act out, etc., but if every time she phones you you have an anxiety attack, then it seems worth it to me. But you are the only one who can decide which option you can live with more easily. I had to go totally No Contact with my nada eventually, for several reasons, but the main one was that after she'd " ambush " me by phone I'd get a horrible migraine-like attack (the symptoms were like Meniere's disease) and I couldn't work and support myself under those conditions, so I chose No Contact. I chose my own needs over my nada's feelings. -Annie > > > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. " > > > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 16, 2012 Report Share Posted April 16, 2012 I'm so glad I'm not the only one who experiences this! Why on earth can they never leave their message on the voicemail?? I guess they know that we wouldn't call back because it's not a real emergency. > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. " > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 16, 2012 Report Share Posted April 16, 2012 Or...you could go online and download the silent ringtone and never hear her calling. Muhahahaha. > I have an iphone. I downloaded a ringtone that is the theme for the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of OZ. I use that ringtone specifically for my Nada. Although my stomach tightens when I hear it, I laugh too. My Dad's ring tone is the theme from the Twilight Zone, because that has been his life for the past 50 years whether he knows it or not. I love the iphone app store. > >>> > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 16, 2012 Report Share Posted April 16, 2012 LOL. Yes. Exactly! ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Monday, April 16, 2012 11:26 AM Subject: Re: phone calls/messages  I'm so glad I'm not the only one who experiences this! Why on earth can they never leave their message on the voicemail?? I guess they know that we wouldn't call back because it's not a real emergency. > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. "  > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 16, 2012 Report Share Posted April 16, 2012 Anonomousa56, Even when mine leaves messages, she is demanding immediate replies to questions I have either already answered or am not ready to answer. I have already told her at LEAST three times that I won't be making ANY plans to come home until I know when some other relatives are traveling, because I am sending my son to see his other grandparents with them. She keeps asking anyway, " when are you coming home? " a few months ago, it was about my car...I had given first right of refusal to a friend and was waiting for his decision about it. As soon as he decided, I told her and a few days later, she calls me wanting to know if he has decided for sure. She really was just probably wanting to vent her rage about selling it to him and not to her. So I ignored the message, and she calls and leaves another message saying she " suddenly remembered I had already told her he was buying the car " Messages left or not, all communication is filled with landmines and trip wires when dealing with a BPD! > > > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. " > > > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 16, 2012 Report Share Posted April 16, 2012 " Later, of course, she would be sure I knew how much the taxi cost her, how scared she was of the driver, and how she didnt want to bother me because she knew I had to work. " Sounds just like my mother. I have to hear about every " hardship " she went through to get to the store and back. While other older women in much worse shape than she just do it (go to the store somehow, by bus/senior transport/taxi), for her it's always an ordeal and she likes to remind me of it. Mostly b/c I haven't taken her in ages b/c it was horrible going with her. > > > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer > nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get > this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was > not answering. Sighed! > > > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I > asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the > storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what > you wanted to do with it. " > > > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was > really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung > up. > > > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just > one? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 17, 2012 Report Share Posted April 17, 2012 Before I got my phone number changed and my nada doesn't have it.... She used to call and leave messages in this sing-song voice. " Hi........it's me...........Mom! " I'm 60 years old. I think I recognize my mother's voice by now. Used to drive me crazy! > > > > > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > > > > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > > > > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. "  > > > > > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > > > > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > > > > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 17, 2012 Report Share Posted April 17, 2012 My nada used to leave really long mean voice messages but now...she has learned to text. I think she realized it was too easy for us to just delete the voice mails but a text is a lot harder to delete without reading even just a word (enough to send me into an anxious or dissociated state of course). She is the queen of texting now. She even rights her most angry texts in CAPS....who takes the time to do that???? > > > > > > > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > > > > > > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > > > > > > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. "  > > > > > > > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > > > > > > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > > > > > > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted April 17, 2012 Report Share Posted April 17, 2012 Any possibility of just blocking her access to you completely? Who needs to be thrown into a dissociative state or an anxiety attack due to receiving unwanted hate messages? Nobody! Nobody needs that or wants that. If that was happening to me, I'd block her number. If you feel the need to remain in contact with your nada, then, my suggestion is to take control of her access to you and tell nada that *you* will phone *her* once a week on X day at X time, and you can catch up with each other then. Period. End of discussion. (No other access to you is allowed.) But if your nada uses texting or phone calls or phone messages as opportunities to dump on you/attack you, then you have the right to cut the call short. Interrupt her. Talk over her: " I'm not going to listen to you when you are calling me mean, ugly names and cursing at me, mother. I'm hanging up now. I hope we can have a nice talk next week. 'Bye. " You were not put on this earth to be your mother's emotional punching bag. By passively allowing her to emotionally abuse you, you are in fact *rewarding* her for treating you badly. It is in your power to choose whether to continue to passively accept her abuse, or not. But you are the only one who can determine what you can and can't tolerate; you are the only one who can choose to remove yourself from an abusive situation. You can't stop her from behaving the way she does, but you CAN decide to (politely) hang up on her or block her texts. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > I'm beginning to understand why I have a phone phobia. > > > > > > > > > > DH and I took the girls out yesterday. I was not at home to answer nada's call, so she left an urgent message - " Call me as soon as you get this. " At the end of the message? She sighed in exasperation that I was not answering. Sighed! > > > > > > > > > > So, when we got home, I called her back (don't ask me why), and I asked what was up. " Oh, your dad and I were just clearing out the storage area and saw something that you might need. I wanted to see what you wanted to do with it. "  > > > > > > > > > > My response? " That was the urgent message? I thought something was really wrong, the way your message sounded. " > > > > > > > > > > Nada [another sigh]: " Sorry I bothered you. Bye. " And then she hung up. > > > > > > > > > > Ugh! Can't we just have one normal phone conversation - maybe? Just one? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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