Re: Re: Great, now nada wants to try family therapy

[Guest guest]

Hey Last, i have a book for you on the topic - The Family Crucible. It is

all about family therapy. the book changed my life. I think it will help

you.

And B, I think it would be really funny to just counter with " sure thing. "

Even if you don't mean it. I doubt very much that they will follow through

with it to the end. Even if you ended up going, nada would find something

wrong with the therapist and stop going. Or she might just choose a sucky

therapist who reinforces her issues.

Another option, and probably the option I would actually choose is just to

say nothing. No response. That's real NC. Does anyone have Randi's letter

that defines NC floating around? That thing was awesome, it really breaks it

down. NC means not responding. To anything, ever.

I went NC before I even knew there was an NC or a BPD. I was 28, I'd just

filed for divorce and my nada smelled blood and launched a hideous attack

against me at a time when I was already down. And so, I thought " Self, are

you really going to invest another moment in this person who makes you so

miserable, so upset that you can't function normally for weeks on end after

a 5 min conversation with her? " The answer was no, I wouldn't invest another

second of my precious time.

I just stopped. she didn't do much. she never called, she never came to my

door, she never. . . did shit. she sent flying monkeys and she sent a

handful of unkind letters couched in kind terms. And I didn't respond. And

you know what? My nada easily found easier targets, she draws them in with

stories of her awful daughter who abandoned her, and she moved on with her

BPD existence to crush people emotionally like she might crush a bug. Right

between her fingers. And she relishes it. I know this woman, but my T came

to that conclusion too independently. I wouldn't have proof of course,

because I'm NC.

So that's her. As for me - - - well I'm free for 8 years now and I'm dealing

with the memories. I suspect my life will end without me ever seeing her

face, hearing her voice, or even seeing her handwriting again. That's one of

the dreams I am trying to make come true for myself.

So anyway that's a little suggestion about not responding. Of course only

you know your situation and can make that decision for you. The truth is,

nada will manipulate the story so that you end up the persecutor and embrace

victimhood no matter what you do if someone calls her on her behavior (look

at the victim triangle again if this isn't ringing a bell). In my opinion

the most compassionate thing I can say to some people, in particular my nada

is nothing. Nothing at all.

On Thu, Aug 18, 2011 at 8:40 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

> **

>

>

> Perhaps you could counter with the suggestion that you might be willing to

> think about attending family therapy with the two of them, IF your mother is

> willing to first go into individual psychotherapy herself, on her own, for

> at least 6 months with a psychologist who is familiar with personality

> disorder and has experience treating those with pds.

>

> Be sure to specify that caveat, because if they say " OK " and then they just

> go to see a family therapist, your mother's underlying personality disorder

> probably won't even be addressed at all.

>

> Your mother probably will NOT accept such a counter-offer; she will most

> likely not agree to psychotherapy with a real psychologist who treats those

> with personality disorders (even if she can find one) because that means she

> would be agreeing to accept some personal responsibility for her own words

> and behaviors and agreeing that she herself has issues that need working on.

> Most of the time, those with pds refuse to accept any personal

> responsibility for problems they are having with other people (instead they

> blame and project) so, its not likely she will cotton to that idea at all.

> And so you'll be off the hook.

>

> So, that's my suggestion. Use their request as leverage to get your mother

> into individual psychotherapy for her pd. Can't hurt to try, anyway, seems

> to me.

>

> But you have to choose what feels comfortable and workable for you. You

> could also just say something like, " That's something I'd like to think

> about for a while. I'll get back to you on that, later. " And just delay

> answering until you've had a chance to think about it and figure out what IS

> comfortable for you.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I'm sorry I keep posting...it just seems like perhaps I am in a " crisis "

> mode at the moment because (of course) my mother is.

> >

> > I've been NC with my BPD (undiagnosed, I think) for 4+ months. I got a

> letter today from my Dad and mom, asking if I'd be willing to do family

> therapy. It was a bunch of crap. First off, my Dad knows how I feel and he

> thinks mom has BPD as well. He's even talked about leaving her. But the

> letter implies that I am NC with him as well, which clearly I am not. The

> letter doesn't even start on an honest premise!

> >

> > Ugh, I'm frustrated, as you can imagine. I mean, what the hell would

> family therapy do? We all know (the whole family!!!) that you can't reason

> with mom (or anyone with BPD for that manner). As a matter of fact, one of

> my dad's favorite things to say is " don't confuse mom with the facts. " What

> the hell would I say then? I'm done talking, I'm done defending. I don't

> want to do it, and, perhaps more importantly, I don't think it would help.

> (and just as an aside, this " family " therapy only includes the 2 kids who

> have stood up to mom in the past few months and NOT the other two " good "

> kids).

> >

> > I do have a choice, right? Am I making myself the bad daughter if I don't

> give it a shot? My Dad seems to think that the therapist will " finally see

> her for who she is " if my mom is in a group session; he's convinced it's the

> only way to get her diagnosed with BPD.

> >

> > I don't know what to do.

> >

> > Thanks for listening, again and as always. You are all so helpful and

> insightful...and it's just so great to have some support. I really feel a

> connection with y'all that I'm not sure I get with anyone else aside from my

> sister...who's has had the same experiences as me!

> > Judy

> >

>

>

>