Guest guest Posted August 19, 2011 Report Share Posted August 19, 2011 Greetings all, I'm so grateful I found this place. I'm a 43yo mother of two beautiful children that has been married 15 years to a fantastic man. I moved away from my mother three years ago in an attempt to escape the madness, but with technology these days, the world has become a much smaller place. My mother is a child of an alcoholic and I believe has BPD. She has never been diagnosed and refuses to go to any kind of therapy because she's " not the one with the problem. " I have suffered from depression since I was 7 and now have come to believe that it is at least partly due to my mother's disease. Fortunately I have learned to overcome my depression, in part due to medication and in part due to therapy and following the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety program by Lucinda Bassett. My better mental health, however, has come to cause some significant problems in my relationship with my mother. First of all, moving away hurt her dearly. Three years after the fact, she continues trying to get me to move back. Also, because she can't get to me like she used to, the bad episodes have escalated to a point where I'm considering cutting her out of my life. My mother is a very high functioning invisible BP. She works for a large corporation and makes tons of money. So she uses that money instead of love to create relationships in her life. It's caused considerable heartache on my part because she acts like I owe her if she pays for anything. Even if I tell her no, she continues to nag me about it until she wears me down and I finally accept. Then if I don't show " proper " appreciation, she throws it in my face. It's been going on so long that I should know better than to accept anything from her, but she still knows how to push my buttons. My mother's main weapon against people is criticism...loud and often. She has no respect for boundaries, continually embarrasses the family by criticizing us in public, and uses Catholic guilt like a sword. She thinks she's all that and a bag of chips because she's an intelligent business woman who makes loads of money and goes to church every week, but when it comes to relationships, she really sucks at it. She also mollifies her own guilt by donating lots of money to charity, to family members, and going to confession and getting absolution. Until recently, I have been using food as a way to medicate myself. However, after going back to school, I've found a new strength and stopped overeating to bury my feelings. I'm a pretty smart cookie myself and have had an extremely successful career thus far. My kids are doing extremely well and are very happy with their lives. Since graduating last month, I've lost 10 lbs without a formal diet, which tells me that I'm becoming stronger and no longer need to rely on food as a crutch for the bad feelings I've been harboring. This new-found strength, however, is causing problems in my relationship with my mother. She lit into me yesterday when I made a mistake about some money I borrowed from her and blew it completely out of proportion, bringing up every wrong doing she could think of to smash me with. Fixing the mistake wasn't enough for her. She had to bombshell me with every bad feeling she'd been having about me for the last month or two. Well, this time, I fought back and told her that she was the one with the problem and that I wouldn't take that crap from her anymore. So now I'm cut off, per her usual method. Abandon before being abandoned. So being cut off isn't bothering me. In fact, I'm relieved. On the other hand, I know this isn't over and I'm working on trying to prepare myself for the next round because I know it's coming. So I purchased " The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder " in an attempt to start learning how to handle this situation. Any and all constructive suggestions will be appreciated. Best. Annie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2011 Report Share Posted August 19, 2011 Welcome!!!! You will find a lot of people here with similar stories who get it. Read a ton of books, find a good therapist and come here often. that's my personal recipe for healing. Glad you found us but sorry you need us. Girlscout > ** > > > Greetings all, > > I'm so grateful I found this place. I'm a 43yo mother of two beautiful > children that has been married 15 years to a fantastic man. I moved away > from my mother three years ago in an attempt to escape the madness, but with > technology these days, the world has become a much smaller place. > > My mother is a child of an alcoholic and I believe has BPD. She has never > been diagnosed and refuses to go to any kind of therapy because she's " not > the one with the problem. " I have suffered from depression since I was 7 and > now have come to believe that it is at least partly due to my mother's > disease. Fortunately I have learned to overcome my depression, in part due > to medication and in part due to therapy and following the Midwest Center > for Stress and Anxiety program by Lucinda Bassett. > > My better mental health, however, has come to cause some significant > problems in my relationship with my mother. First of all, moving away hurt > her dearly. Three years after the fact, she continues trying to get me to > move back. Also, because she can't get to me like she used to, the bad > episodes have escalated to a point where I'm considering cutting her out of > my life. > > My mother is a very high functioning invisible BP. She works for a large > corporation and makes tons of money. So she uses that money instead of love > to create relationships in her life. It's caused considerable heartache on > my part because she acts like I owe her if she pays for anything. Even if I > tell her no, she continues to nag me about it until she wears me down and I > finally accept. Then if I don't show " proper " appreciation, she throws it in > my face. It's been going on so long that I should know better than to accept > anything from her, but she still knows how to push my buttons. > > My mother's main weapon against people is criticism...loud and often. She > has no respect for boundaries, continually embarrasses the family by > criticizing us in public, and uses Catholic guilt like a sword. She thinks > she's all that and a bag of chips because she's an intelligent business > woman who makes loads of money and goes to church every week, but when it > comes to relationships, she really sucks at it. She also mollifies her own > guilt by donating lots of money to charity, to family members, and going to > confession and getting absolution. > > Until recently, I have been using food as a way to medicate myself. > However, after going back to school, I've found a new strength and stopped > overeating to bury my feelings. I'm a pretty smart cookie myself and have > had an extremely successful career thus far. My kids are doing extremely > well and are very happy with their lives. Since graduating last month, I've > lost 10 lbs without a formal diet, which tells me that I'm becoming stronger > and no longer need to rely on food as a crutch for the bad feelings I've > been harboring. > > This new-found strength, however, is causing problems in my relationship > with my mother. She lit into me yesterday when I made a mistake about some > money I borrowed from her and blew it completely out of proportion, bringing > up every wrong doing she could think of to smash me with. Fixing the mistake > wasn't enough for her. She had to bombshell me with every bad feeling she'd > been having about me for the last month or two. Well, this time, I fought > back and told her that she was the one with the problem and that I wouldn't > take that crap from her anymore. So now I'm cut off, per her usual method. > Abandon before being abandoned. > > So being cut off isn't bothering me. In fact, I'm relieved. On the other > hand, I know this isn't over and I'm working on trying to prepare myself for > the next round because I know it's coming. So I purchased " The Essential > Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder " in an attempt to start > learning how to handle this situation. Any and all constructive suggestions > will be appreciated. > > Best. > > Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 19, 2011 Report Share Posted August 19, 2011 Welcome Anne! Boy you are in the right place. I feel like I could have written what you wrote. I am 52 now and married 30 years with kids in early 20's. My nada also is rather high functioning and successful professionally (retired now). She always wants us emeshed and when I turned 40 I started growing and changing and establishing healthier boundries with her and I paid for it big time. We always get punished for being ourselves. And you are so right, reject before rejected is the deal. I suspect my younger sister is NP or BP as well and she sounds a lot like your nada, using money and things to replace love - give and over give and out give. I once asked her to stick to the price range we had agreed to for Christmas swap gifts to keep it more fair - she was not pleased. Funny you mention the eating thing. I know I overeat related to all this. Self protection of some sort. Not doing so well as of late, my dad died 6 months ago and I am just not in a place where I am focused on it right now. Hope to soon. > > Greetings all, > > I'm so grateful I found this place. I'm a 43yo mother of two beautiful children that has been married 15 years to a fantastic man. I moved away from my mother three years ago in an attempt to escape the madness, but with technology these days, the world has become a much smaller place. > > My mother is a child of an alcoholic and I believe has BPD. She has never been diagnosed and refuses to go to any kind of therapy because she's " not the one with the problem. " I have suffered from depression since I was 7 and now have come to believe that it is at least partly due to my mother's disease. Fortunately I have learned to overcome my depression, in part due to medication and in part due to therapy and following the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety program by Lucinda Bassett. > > My better mental health, however, has come to cause some significant problems in my relationship with my mother. First of all, moving away hurt her dearly. Three years after the fact, she continues trying to get me to move back. Also, because she can't get to me like she used to, the bad episodes have escalated to a point where I'm considering cutting her out of my life. > > My mother is a very high functioning invisible BP. She works for a large corporation and makes tons of money. So she uses that money instead of love to create relationships in her life. It's caused considerable heartache on my part because she acts like I owe her if she pays for anything. Even if I tell her no, she continues to nag me about it until she wears me down and I finally accept. Then if I don't show " proper " appreciation, she throws it in my face. It's been going on so long that I should know better than to accept anything from her, but she still knows how to push my buttons. > > My mother's main weapon against people is criticism...loud and often. She has no respect for boundaries, continually embarrasses the family by criticizing us in public, and uses Catholic guilt like a sword. She thinks she's all that and a bag of chips because she's an intelligent business woman who makes loads of money and goes to church every week, but when it comes to relationships, she really sucks at it. She also mollifies her own guilt by donating lots of money to charity, to family members, and going to confession and getting absolution. > > Until recently, I have been using food as a way to medicate myself. However, after going back to school, I've found a new strength and stopped overeating to bury my feelings. I'm a pretty smart cookie myself and have had an extremely successful career thus far. My kids are doing extremely well and are very happy with their lives. Since graduating last month, I've lost 10 lbs without a formal diet, which tells me that I'm becoming stronger and no longer need to rely on food as a crutch for the bad feelings I've been harboring. > > This new-found strength, however, is causing problems in my relationship with my mother. She lit into me yesterday when I made a mistake about some money I borrowed from her and blew it completely out of proportion, bringing up every wrong doing she could think of to smash me with. Fixing the mistake wasn't enough for her. She had to bombshell me with every bad feeling she'd been having about me for the last month or two. Well, this time, I fought back and told her that she was the one with the problem and that I wouldn't take that crap from her anymore. So now I'm cut off, per her usual method. Abandon before being abandoned. > > So being cut off isn't bothering me. In fact, I'm relieved. On the other hand, I know this isn't over and I'm working on trying to prepare myself for the next round because I know it's coming. So I purchased " The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder " in an attempt to start learning how to handle this situation. Any and all constructive suggestions will be appreciated. > > Best. > > Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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