Guest guest Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 Hi all, My name is and I'm 22 years old. I just found out about a year ago my mom was BPD (witch specifically, and she can be a waif too) its nice to know I'm not alone in this mess. As a child growing up I thought the behavior was normal. She used to rage at my sister and I and smother us with pillows, or hold knives to us or break things we loved and cherished. But on the flip side she always bought us nice things, made sure we ate healthy and always told us how she loved us and supported us.... it was very confusing growing up. Now that I'm 22 I moved out and in with my boyfriend and things have gotten bad, its like the " other her " (the nice side) has disappeared completely, she calls constantly and tells me how depressed and alone she is, or she calls me a slut and says I need to go kill myself because no one would care that I'm gone (I suffer from depression as well) anyways, I'm just rambling.... I had an incident with her tonight coming over to my place and I asked her to leave and she stood in the doorway using force to hold my door open, so my boyfriend walks over and slams the door shut in her face...... I don't know if I should be mad at him for this as my mother says I need to stand up for her and ask him to leave or break up with him because he slammed the door on her .... turns out when he slammed the door she " fell " and is now in the ER..... I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to go no contact without suffering severe guilt because she's all alone and only has me (my dad passed when I was 8 years old) Sorry for the rambling and bad punctuation, its late here and the huge fight with her has me terribly upset. Im just looking for opinions and support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 Hi , (((((Hugs to you))))) Of course you are feeling upset and traumatized. In my opinion your mother was / is too mentally ill to have been raising children. No adult who tries to smother children with pillows or who holds knives to a child's body or throws things around (or at) a child should be around children, period. End of sentence. It does not matter that she also managed to provide you with the basic necessities of life and was sometimes kind to you; the violence and emotional trauma cancel all that out. In my opinion. A beautiful cake with even a drop of cyanide in it makes it a poison cake, and deadly. The cyanide cancels out the benefits of the good ingredients: the delicious sugar, butter and flour. Your father was unconscionably irresponsible and selfish to abandon you and your sister and leave you alone in your mother's care. You and your sister suffered criminal child abuse. Both of you could have wound up dead or severely injured in the hands of such a mentally ill person. As the " sane " parent, he is even more responsible for your mistreatment and endangerment than your mother is, in my opinion. He should have gotten the two of you out of there. Its going to be difficult for you to do, but, In my opinion its important for you to let go of feeling responsible for your mother's feelings and behaviors. She is mentally ill, but you did NOT make her that way, and you are NOT responsible for curing her. You can't cure her. Nothing you can possibly say or do can " fix " her. Your mother is an adult, and has the power to seek therapy for herself. She is the only person who IS capable of effecting any positive changes in her life, but she has to want to. The more you " rescue " her, the more you are enabling her to avoid seeking help for herself. My own suggestions for you: (a) you have suffered severe emotional (and physical) trauma during your formative years and recently, when your mother shows up at your home uninvited and refuses to leave and threatens you. I suggest that a psychologist who specializes in trauma recovery would probably be very beneficial for you. (Your experience is similar to children growing up in a war zone, who watch loved ones get blown up in front of their eyes, or children who grow up in extreme poverty and are brutalized and exploited by their caregivers.) ( knowledge is power and its empowering. I suggest that you read as much as you can about personality disorder, about setting boundaries for your own protection, and about overcoming co-dependence (feeling inappropriate and misplaced feelings of guilt and responsibility for another adult's well-being.) There is a reading list at the home site of this Group, at bpdcentral.com. You have done nothing to feel guilty about. You deserve your own independent, joyful, responsible, self-supporting adult life, and you deserve a good man to share it with. If anyone should be feeling hideously guilty, it should be your mother. Its not your job to parent your mother, she is responsible for her own care and well-being. Its your job to protect yourself from further abuse. If your mother continues to show up at your home uninvited and she is hostile and threatening, and refusing to leave, then, I think you can qualify to get a restraining order taken out against her. If you consult with a lawyer or with the police about this, I think that would be a wise move. You haven't done anything wrong, . You are the victim here. Its not wrong and it doesn't make you a bad person to jerk your hand away from a hot stove. Your mother is the human equivalent of a hot stove; she has harmed you in the past and may escalate into further physical violence against you because she feels " abandoned " by you. Its OK to withdraw and protect yourself from someone who means you harm. So, again, I hope you will consider seeking out a psychologist who specializes in trauma recovery, and a lawyer who can help you with getting a restraining order. And read, read, read. I highly recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother " although it is a very difficult read because of its deep emotional impact. Best of luck to you, and keep posting when you can and if you want to. We " get it. " -Annie > > Hi all, > > My name is and I'm 22 years old. I just found out about a year ago my mom was BPD (witch specifically, and she can be a waif too) its nice to know I'm not alone in this mess. > > As a child growing up I thought the behavior was normal. She used to rage at my sister and I and smother us with pillows, or hold knives to us or break things we loved and cherished. But on the flip side she always bought us nice things, made sure we ate healthy and always told us how she loved us and supported us.... it was very confusing growing up. > > Now that I'm 22 I moved out and in with my boyfriend and things have gotten bad, its like the " other her " (the nice side) has disappeared completely, she calls constantly and tells me how depressed and alone she is, or she calls me a slut and says I need to go kill myself because no one would care that I'm gone (I suffer from depression as well) > > anyways, I'm just rambling.... I had an incident with her tonight coming over to my place and I asked her to leave and she stood in the doorway using force to hold my door open, so my boyfriend walks over and slams the door shut in her face...... I don't know if I should be mad at him for this as my mother says I need to stand up for her and ask him to leave or break up with him because he slammed the door on her .... turns out when he slammed the door she " fell " and is now in the ER..... > > I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to go no contact without suffering severe guilt because she's all alone and only has me (my dad passed when I was 8 years old) > > Sorry for the rambling and bad punctuation, its late here and the huge fight with her has me terribly upset. Im just looking for opinions and support. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 Hello , I'm not surprised that the nice side of your mother has disappeared. People with BPD often get really upset when their children grow up and leave. Moving out, or even just having a steady boyfriend, counts as " abandoning " them and they react accordingly. They tend to ramp up the misbehavior in an attempt to force compliance with their desires. They can't or won't understand that their behavior encourages the opposite of what they want. Regarding the incident with your boyfriend slamming the door. It sounds to me like he was enforcing your wish for her to get out in a way that you couldn't bring yourself to do. She was told to leave yet she was trying to avoid having to do so, so he shut her out. Unless he intended for her to get hurt, I see no reason to be mad at him. Your nada ( " nada " is the word we use for out unmotherlike mothers) is wrong when she says you need to stand up for her. If she doesn't behave in a way that deserves standing up for, then you shouldn't be standing up for her. You don't owe her unquestioning loyalty, especially not when it means going against the partner you're living with, just because she gave birth to you. If she's like many nadas, one of her goals is to split the two of you up so that she can have you all to herself again. Manufacturing incidents where she can claim you need to take her side against him may be one of the tools she's using to that end. Going to the ER because she " fell " may be another tool for that purpose. Nadas commonly over-dramatize events and some of them love going to the ER because it gets them attention and they can play the " I'm injured " card to get even more attention afterward. Guilt is commonly a big weapon in their arsenal too. There's no reason for you to feel guilty if you decide that no contact is the right choice for you. Protecting yourself from someone who is mentally and /or physically abusing you is never something to feel guilty for. (Make no mistake, at least some of what she's doing is mental abuse. Telling you that you need to kill yourself definitely falls into that category. Smothering you with a pillow and holding a knife up to you goes way beyond that. Those are things that should have caused her to lose custody of you and your sister.) It may help to keep a record of the abusive things she says and does to you and your boyfriend. Having a written record can make it a lot easier to remember why you're making the choice to limit contact which in turn will help to minimize inappropriate guilt. When you feel doubts, pull out your record and read it. (Records are also useful if her behavior gets worse and you need to get a restraining order to keep her away from you.) Don't let the notion that she has no one else be used against you. She is an adult, and if you're 22, I'm going to guess that she's not particularly ancient herself and probably isn't disabled in a way that prevents her from taking care of herself. Adult women can take care of themselves, and do on a regular basis. If she has no friends, that's not your fault. If you aren't there for her, it is very likely that she'll find other people to do whatever she says she needs you to do. No contact isn't the right choice for everyone. Some of us find having limited contact to be a better choice. Maintaining any contact and staying mentally healthy requires setting and enforcing strong boundaries though. You could try setting up your boundaries and see what happens. You can always change your mind and decide to have more or less contact later. From your description, one of your boundaries needs to be that she will not say derogatory things to you. Another might be that she can not ask you to choose between her and your boyfriend. You don't necessarily need to tell her what the rules are but you do need to decide what the consequences will be if she violates them. I don't allow my nada into my home. If she violates my boundaries by saying nasty things about me, my sister, my father (who divorced her over 30 years ago) or anyone else I care about, I tell her we're not going to discuss that subject and if she won't stop, I hang up or leave. For a while that made for some very short calls and visits, but she did get the idea eventually and has mostly stopped the nasty talk when I'm around. People with BPD generally don't ever understand why their behavior is wrong, but sometimes they can be trained to change their behavior, kind of like you can train toddlers not to play with the stove or run out in the street. Emotionally, people with BPD are often very much like toddlers, so thinking about them with that in mind can often help you to figure out what to do. Two important things to always keep in mind are that you're an adult now and entitled to make your own choices about your life and she's also an adult who is responsible for making her own choices in life. If she makes bad choices, that's not your fault or your responsibility to fix. At 02:16 AM 08/20/2011 laneme wrote: >Hi all, > >My name is and I'm 22 years old. I just found out about >a year ago my mom was BPD (witch specifically, and she can be a >waif too) its nice to know I'm not alone in this mess. > > As a child growing up I thought the behavior was normal. She > used to rage at my sister and I and smother us with pillows, > or hold knives to us or break things we loved and cherished. > But on the flip side she always bought us nice things, made > sure we ate healthy and always told us how she loved us and > supported us.... it was very confusing growing up. > >Now that I'm 22 I moved out and in with my boyfriend and things >have gotten bad, its like the " other her " (the nice side) has >disappeared completely, she calls constantly and tells me how >depressed and alone she is, or she calls me a slut and says I >need to go kill myself because no one would care that I'm gone >(I suffer from depression as well) > >anyways, I'm just rambling.... I had an incident with her >tonight coming over to my place and I asked her to leave and >she stood in the doorway using force to hold my door open, so >my boyfriend walks over and slams the door shut in her >face...... I don't know if I should be mad at him for this as >my mother says I need to stand up for her and ask him to leave >or break up with him because he slammed the door on her .... >turns out when he slammed the door she " fell " and is now in the >ER..... > >I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to go no >contact without suffering severe guilt because she's all alone >and only has me (my dad passed when I was 8 years old) > >Sorry for the rambling and bad punctuation, its late here and >the huge fight with her has me terribly upset. Im just looking >for opinions and support. > -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 Hi, laneme - You seem to already know the basics about BPD, so you know the WHY of your mother's behavior. Sounds like you need some support with the " What to do NOW " - so here is my completely unscientific opinion - as varied as BPD behavior is, there are patterns that we can see when we read posts from lots of people. One thing I think we can predict is that your mom's behavior is escalating, and will continue to escalate. She's already been violent toward you and your sister. She is being verbally abusive to you know ( " go kill yourself, slut " is not exactly a normal endearment from a mother to her daughter). She has actually shown up at your door and refused to leave, and now she alleges your boyfriend's actions made her fall, and she has gone to the hospital. I think you need to get your documentation and security plan in order, because she is ramping up to something major. She wants you out of the relationship with your boyfriend - she has said so, explicitly. I believe that a BPD like this will go to any length to get what they want and " get back " the person who has abandoned them (in their mind). I wouldn't put it past her to file an assault charge against your boyfriend, or do something else to cause you both real trouble. Don't discount this. BPD moms described on this board have done similar things - there is NOTHING they won't do to get what they want, including stalking, slander, and false charges. It's time to start making notes, buy a security camera and a new deadbolt for your door, and have a serious talk with your boyfriend about what BPD is and how he MUST govern his behavior - because he's dealing with a crazy woman who will present herself to the doctors, police, etc. as a little old lady who just wanted to visit her beloved daughter. He has to give her a wide berth to protect himself, because she is certain to target him. I'm not trying to add to your anxiety, but hon, you don't even have time for guilt - you need to go straight to an iron-clad plan for your own safety and that of your boyfriend. I am so sorry this is happening to you. If I were in your shoes, I'd be Googling jobs in cities far, far away from Mom, and making plans to get out of Dodge as soon as possible. She's not gonna stop, and your life and relationship are going to bear the brunt. > > Hi all, > > My name is and I'm 22 years old. I just found out about a year ago my mom was BPD (witch specifically, and she can be a waif too) its nice to know I'm not alone in this mess. > > As a child growing up I thought the behavior was normal. She used to rage at my sister and I and smother us with pillows, or hold knives to us or break things we loved and cherished. But on the flip side she always bought us nice things, made sure we ate healthy and always told us how she loved us and supported us.... it was very confusing growing up. > > Now that I'm 22 I moved out and in with my boyfriend and things have gotten bad, its like the " other her " (the nice side) has disappeared completely, she calls constantly and tells me how depressed and alone she is, or she calls me a slut and says I need to go kill myself because no one would care that I'm gone (I suffer from depression as well) > > anyways, I'm just rambling.... I had an incident with her tonight coming over to my place and I asked her to leave and she stood in the doorway using force to hold my door open, so my boyfriend walks over and slams the door shut in her face...... I don't know if I should be mad at him for this as my mother says I need to stand up for her and ask him to leave or break up with him because he slammed the door on her .... turns out when he slammed the door she " fell " and is now in the ER..... > > I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to go no contact without suffering severe guilt because she's all alone and only has me (my dad passed when I was 8 years old) > > Sorry for the rambling and bad punctuation, its late here and the huge fight with her has me terribly upset. Im just looking for opinions and support. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 OMG - hug hug hug hug hug I'm so sorry. Please take the wonderful advice above, find a therapist (we can help you figure out where to look) and set serious limits (maybe even stop seeing) your " mom " You deserved a hell of a lot better than her for your mother. And I call bullshit on the fall and the ER - umm yeah right - -- - witch to waif is a really easy transition when you are a BPD. One moment you persecute then you are called on it and become the persecuted. HUGS again. Read a bunch of books, get therapy, come here everyday, look into seeing a psychaitrist for your depression (I'm serious it is SOOO worth it), and pretty soon after that you will start to have a real life with people who really love you. XOXO girlscout On Sat, Aug 20, 2011 at 1:11 PM, shirleyspawn wrote: > ** > > > Hi, laneme - You seem to already know the basics about BPD, so you know the > WHY of your mother's behavior. Sounds like you need some support with the > " What to do NOW " - so here is my completely unscientific opinion - as varied > as BPD behavior is, there are patterns that we can see when we read posts > from lots of people. One thing I think we can predict is that your mom's > behavior is escalating, and will continue to escalate. > > She's already been violent toward you and your sister. She is being > verbally abusive to you know ( " go kill yourself, slut " is not exactly a > normal endearment from a mother to her daughter). She has actually shown up > at your door and refused to leave, and now she alleges your boyfriend's > actions made her fall, and she has gone to the hospital. > > I think you need to get your documentation and security plan in order, > because she is ramping up to something major. She wants you out of the > relationship with your boyfriend - she has said so, explicitly. I believe > that a BPD like this will go to any length to get what they want and " get > back " the person who has abandoned them (in their mind). I wouldn't put it > past her to file an assault charge against your boyfriend, or do something > else to cause you both real trouble. Don't discount this. BPD moms described > on this board have done similar things - there is NOTHING they won't do to > get what they want, including stalking, slander, and false charges. > > It's time to start making notes, buy a security camera and a new deadbolt > for your door, and have a serious talk with your boyfriend about what BPD is > and how he MUST govern his behavior - because he's dealing with a crazy > woman who will present herself to the doctors, police, etc. as a little old > lady who just wanted to visit her beloved daughter. He has to give her a > wide berth to protect himself, because she is certain to target him. > > I'm not trying to add to your anxiety, but hon, you don't even have time > for guilt - you need to go straight to an iron-clad plan for your own safety > and that of your boyfriend. I am so sorry this is happening to you. If I > were in your shoes, I'd be Googling jobs in cities far, far away from Mom, > and making plans to get out of Dodge as soon as possible. She's not gonna > stop, and your life and relationship are going to bear the brunt. > > > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > My name is and I'm 22 years old. I just found out about a year > ago my mom was BPD (witch specifically, and she can be a waif too) its nice > to know I'm not alone in this mess. > > > > As a child growing up I thought the behavior was normal. She used to rage > at my sister and I and smother us with pillows, or hold knives to us or > break things we loved and cherished. But on the flip side she always bought > us nice things, made sure we ate healthy and always told us how she loved us > and supported us.... it was very confusing growing up. > > > > Now that I'm 22 I moved out and in with my boyfriend and things have > gotten bad, its like the " other her " (the nice side) has disappeared > completely, she calls constantly and tells me how depressed and alone she > is, or she calls me a slut and says I need to go kill myself because no one > would care that I'm gone (I suffer from depression as well) > > > > anyways, I'm just rambling.... I had an incident with her tonight coming > over to my place and I asked her to leave and she stood in the doorway using > force to hold my door open, so my boyfriend walks over and slams the door > shut in her face...... I don't know if I should be mad at him for this as my > mother says I need to stand up for her and ask him to leave or break up with > him because he slammed the door on her .... turns out when he slammed the > door she " fell " and is now in the ER..... > > > > I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to go no contact > without suffering severe guilt because she's all alone and only has me (my > dad passed when I was 8 years old) > > > > Sorry for the rambling and bad punctuation, its late here and the huge > fight with her has me terribly upset. Im just looking for opinions and > support. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 Thank you all for the support and hugs and advice! Im trying to find a way to go no contact without feeling the guilt and without completely uprooting my life where I live. I have read stop walking on eggshells and let my sister borrow it because she was suffering the wrath of my " mom " as well. I also am in the process of reading a borderline mother (I think its called?) Would you guys recommend any other good books regarding BPD mothers and dealing with it? I agree, she is ramping up to something big, and its funny you mentioned she probably would press charges, because she tried... the police came to my door last night around 2am and said she wanted to press charges for ending up in the hospital due to my boyfriend slamming the door on her.... funny thing was she couldn't press charges because SHE WAS IN THE WRONG. Apparently her standing in my doorway even after I asked her to leave is trespassing, so the cops gave her a warning. I need out of this relationship fast, I just need to learn to deal with the guilt because I get the waif of how she's alone and it makes me feel bad and the guilt is so horrible, even though I know I shouldn't feel like that I do, and she knows it, and she knows she's winning..... I do see a psychiatrist for my depression, which helps a little bit... but I don't get much opinion or advice out of him, he just listens to me talk and tells me to be strong, which is great but I feel like I need to talk to people who are going through the same ordeals. Great news though! - I haven't heard from her once today! Which is a new thing! She has usually called 35 times + by this time, so I got a short breather today! Yay! I'll be on this site often thats for sure, offering my support and looking for support too. Thanks again guys, its nice to know I'm not alone in this battle. > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > > > My name is and I'm 22 years old. I just found out about a year > > ago my mom was BPD (witch specifically, and she can be a waif too) its nice > > to know I'm not alone in this mess. > > > > > > As a child growing up I thought the behavior was normal. She used to rage > > at my sister and I and smother us with pillows, or hold knives to us or > > break things we loved and cherished. But on the flip side she always bought > > us nice things, made sure we ate healthy and always told us how she loved us > > and supported us.... it was very confusing growing up. > > > > > > Now that I'm 22 I moved out and in with my boyfriend and things have > > gotten bad, its like the " other her " (the nice side) has disappeared > > completely, she calls constantly and tells me how depressed and alone she > > is, or she calls me a slut and says I need to go kill myself because no one > > would care that I'm gone (I suffer from depression as well) > > > > > > anyways, I'm just rambling.... I had an incident with her tonight coming > > over to my place and I asked her to leave and she stood in the doorway using > > force to hold my door open, so my boyfriend walks over and slams the door > > shut in her face...... I don't know if I should be mad at him for this as my > > mother says I need to stand up for her and ask him to leave or break up with > > him because he slammed the door on her .... turns out when he slammed the > > door she " fell " and is now in the ER..... > > > > > > I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to go no contact > > without suffering severe guilt because she's all alone and only has me (my > > dad passed when I was 8 years old) > > > > > > Sorry for the rambling and bad punctuation, its late here and the huge > > fight with her has me terribly upset. Im just looking for opinions and > > support. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 About the psychiatrist - most of them don't do a lot of talk therapy, but treat your depression more medically. for me the psych is my emergency back up guy - he helps me when I get to the brink. the therapist is the one that will talk to you and with time you will hopefully be less depressed. Welcome and hugs. Maybe you should change your phone number? Maybe? > ** > > > Thank you all for the support and hugs and advice! > > Im trying to find a way to go no contact without feeling the guilt and > without completely uprooting my life where I live. I have read stop walking > on eggshells and let my sister borrow it because she was suffering the wrath > of my " mom " as well. I also am in the process of reading a borderline mother > (I think its called?) Would you guys recommend any other good books > regarding BPD mothers and dealing with it? > > I agree, she is ramping up to something big, and its funny you mentioned > she probably would press charges, because she tried... the police came to my > door last night around 2am and said she wanted to press charges for ending > up in the hospital due to my boyfriend slamming the door on her.... funny > thing was she couldn't press charges because SHE WAS IN THE WRONG. > Apparently her standing in my doorway even after I asked her to leave is > trespassing, so the cops gave her a warning. I need out of this relationship > fast, I just need to learn to deal with the guilt because I get the waif of > how she's alone and it makes me feel bad and the guilt is so horrible, even > though I know I shouldn't feel like that I do, and she knows it, and she > knows she's winning..... > > I do see a psychiatrist for my depression, which helps a little bit... but > I don't get much opinion or advice out of him, he just listens to me talk > and tells me to be strong, which is great but I feel like I need to talk to > people who are going through the same ordeals. > > Great news though! - I haven't heard from her once today! Which is a new > thing! She has usually called 35 times + by this time, so I got a short > breather today! Yay! > > I'll be on this site often thats for sure, offering my support and looking > for support too. > > Thanks again guys, its nice to know I'm not alone in this battle. > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > > > > > My name is and I'm 22 years old. I just found out about a > year > > > ago my mom was BPD (witch specifically, and she can be a waif too) its > nice > > > to know I'm not alone in this mess. > > > > > > > > As a child growing up I thought the behavior was normal. She used to > rage > > > at my sister and I and smother us with pillows, or hold knives to us or > > > break things we loved and cherished. But on the flip side she always > bought > > > us nice things, made sure we ate healthy and always told us how she > loved us > > > and supported us.... it was very confusing growing up. > > > > > > > > Now that I'm 22 I moved out and in with my boyfriend and things have > > > gotten bad, its like the " other her " (the nice side) has disappeared > > > completely, she calls constantly and tells me how depressed and alone > she > > > is, or she calls me a slut and says I need to go kill myself because no > one > > > would care that I'm gone (I suffer from depression as well) > > > > > > > > anyways, I'm just rambling.... I had an incident with her tonight > coming > > > over to my place and I asked her to leave and she stood in the doorway > using > > > force to hold my door open, so my boyfriend walks over and slams the > door > > > shut in her face...... I don't know if I should be mad at him for this > as my > > > mother says I need to stand up for her and ask him to leave or break up > with > > > him because he slammed the door on her .... turns out when he slammed > the > > > door she " fell " and is now in the ER..... > > > > > > > > I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to go no > contact > > > without suffering severe guilt because she's all alone and only has me > (my > > > dad passed when I was 8 years old) > > > > > > > > Sorry for the rambling and bad punctuation, its late here and the > huge > > > fight with her has me terribly upset. Im just looking for opinions and > > > support. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 I recommend this sometimes when a member here writes that they feel nearly paralyzed with guilt or frozen with fear regarding their bpd mother, which prevents the member from doing things to stop the abuse from continuing: I recommend that you try to access your anger. As a kid, I had the fight beaten out of me. I wasn't allowed to express any anger at all, over anything. Or any negative emotions at all, when I think about it. I had to look happy all the time. If I was sad, or in pain, or angry about *anything*, even something that had *nothing* to to with my mother, she would somehow interpret my negative feeling as an attack on her. If I was just reading or watching TV with a neutral expression on my face, she would accuse me of looking angry or sullen and demand to know what I was angry about, and it had better by God not be " sulking " about anything she'd said or done to me. So... for too many years I was not allowed to access my anger. Its not healthy to repress anger. Anger that can't be released out of us in healthy ways can turn inward and become depression. Fear and guilt can turn us into limp prey. That's no way to live. You have done nothing to feel guilty about. You are not responsible to caretake your mother's feelings; she is an adult. She is responsible for her own inner happiness and her own well-being. If anyone else on the planet was treating you with such hostility, contempt and disrespect and so unfairly, it would make you angry. Right? So I'm suggesting that its OK for you to feel angry at your mother for treating you so badly and for no reason other than having your own natural desire for independence and your own adult life? How dare she threaten you and wish you ill as she has done, because of that? How dare she attempt to make you carry her responsibilities? The guilt you are feeling is misplaced and inappropriate; give it back to its real owner: your mother. Its her guilt to carry for mistreating her own child. If anyone should be feeling debilitating shame and guilt, its a mother who would tell her own daughter to kill herself. Anger is a powerful emotion; its like a nuclear warhead. It can give you strength and unfreeze you and make you proactive and assertive instead of a limp, helpless prey; anger can help you confront an abuser and defend yourself, but like radiation it can also make you sick with overexposure. So, utilize your anger, but then defuse it when you have accomplished your goal. That is the hard part for me. Anger feels safer to me now than either frozen fear or debilitating, crushing guilt, but I need to put my anger away now. I don't need it anymore; my mother can't hurt me anymore: she has Alzheimer's now. Perhaps you might consider seeing a second therapist, one who specializes in trauma recovery for the adult kids of pd parents. I think those of us who have been dominated and controlled and manipulated by powerful, abusive, personality-disordered parents need to see therapists who understand the specific kind of damage that fear and guilt does to the child of such an individual; we need therapists who can give us tools to help us protect ourselves from further abuse and help us recover from the trauma. Just my two cent's worth. Another book that gets recommended here is " Surviving A Borderline Parent " . I think you wrote that you are currently reading " Understanding The Borderline Mother. " " Trauma and Recovery " has been recommended to me several times, but I haven't read that one yet; its one I really want to read sooner rather than later. I hope that helps. -Annie > > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > > > > > My name is and I'm 22 years old. I just found out about a year > > > ago my mom was BPD (witch specifically, and she can be a waif too) its nice > > > to know I'm not alone in this mess. > > > > > > > > As a child growing up I thought the behavior was normal. She used to rage > > > at my sister and I and smother us with pillows, or hold knives to us or > > > break things we loved and cherished. But on the flip side she always bought > > > us nice things, made sure we ate healthy and always told us how she loved us > > > and supported us.... it was very confusing growing up. > > > > > > > > Now that I'm 22 I moved out and in with my boyfriend and things have > > > gotten bad, its like the " other her " (the nice side) has disappeared > > > completely, she calls constantly and tells me how depressed and alone she > > > is, or she calls me a slut and says I need to go kill myself because no one > > > would care that I'm gone (I suffer from depression as well) > > > > > > > > anyways, I'm just rambling.... I had an incident with her tonight coming > > > over to my place and I asked her to leave and she stood in the doorway using > > > force to hold my door open, so my boyfriend walks over and slams the door > > > shut in her face...... I don't know if I should be mad at him for this as my > > > mother says I need to stand up for her and ask him to leave or break up with > > > him because he slammed the door on her .... turns out when he slammed the > > > door she " fell " and is now in the ER..... > > > > > > > > I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to go no contact > > > without suffering severe guilt because she's all alone and only has me (my > > > dad passed when I was 8 years old) > > > > > > > > Sorry for the rambling and bad punctuation, its late here and the huge > > > fight with her has me terribly upset. Im just looking for opinions and > > > support. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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