Got Thick Skin?

August 20, 2011

xyz and Chloe, my dad says you need a " Thick Skin " when dealing with BP mother

and BP step-mother. The definition of Thick Skin is, [paraphrase] to not take

it personal and realize that they (the BP) are honestly doing the best they know

how to.

The problem is that, if you do not have a thick skin, you just don't have it.

It is not like borrowing a jacket that you can just put on when you need it. My

dad developed somewhat of a thick skin because he was the youngest in his

family. His older brother and father buffered him quite a bit from BP mother.

Whenever BP mother would start behaving irrational, they would counsel him. For

instance, they might say, " never mind her, she is just being crazy again. " This

help him not take things personally later in life (a thick skin).

However, my brother and I had no buffer, so we learned to take everything

personal. How is a child supposed to do anything different unless there is some

sort of intervention. My dad gave up and became a work-o-holic and became

indifferent to what was going on in the house; he did not buffer my brother and

I like he had been. Children cannot buffer themselves. Nor can an adult child

develop a thick skin without help. You can't buy it.

If you are an adult child of a BP parent and you were not buffered from the BP

parent, then you most likely do not have a thick skin. You automatically take

things personally and you are naturally defensive. I was like this until I

entered therapy.

In order to get a thick skin, I think we must seek out an intervention. Science

has shown that professional help from a qualified and train mental health

professional is the best way to develop that thick skin (otherwise coined a

sense of self). However, religion is the most common effort and is one I had

tried many times in my life, but this is not an effective means in my

experience. Religion is good for some things, but not childhood

abuse/trauma/neglect/abandonment. Religion only put a wet blanket over the pain

and lull me into a false reality, that everything was OK and that Jesus took my

pain away from me (no disrespect, but he didn't). However, every time I came

into contact with BP mother or ex-BPW or any other dysfunctional situation, I

still got angry and upset. I had terrible dreams about my mother that caused me

to wake up in a sweat, grinding my teeth in anger. 12 step programs did not

help either. 12 steps are great for some things, but not the things we deal

with as adult children of BP parents.

In therapy, I basically gained a substitute parent, who gave me that buffer that

I needed as a child, but didn't get. Since I was an adult and less amendable,

specialized training was necessary to help me disarm all our dysfunctional

defenses, which had become very engrained and resistant to change.

I no longer grind my teeth at night, have nightmares, or act defensively when in

dysfunctional situations. It took 4 years of therapy, but it was worth it. I

changed on a paradigm level.

I am a strong advocate for professional help. I tried a lot of other things

that either didn't help or made things worse. My skin is much thicker now and I

am happier than ever before. Life is no utopia, no land of milk and honey, nor

a heavenly city with streets of gold; it is just more " real. " I am very

fortunate to have received the help that I did and hope others will read my

testimony and give therapy a shot too.

>

> This is my first posting too. I am looking for people to understand, because

everyone that knows by BPD mother are so used to her ways that they would never

be able to conceptualize " unintended " hurtful ways. I have a newborn daughter

and my mother is incapable of dealing with the fact that my attention is turned

from her and onto my daughter. I even sent her a picture of my daughter in a

text and she replies with " who is this. " She pretends she does not recognize her

even though it was only a week since she's seen her. I tried to express my

feelings to her...but she called it " jumping all over her. " This was my attempt

to be thoughtful and I end up hurt. So I to need to learn how to be unaffected

by her actions and words. It is hard for me because I just now recognized her

BPD traits since having a newborn and was previously enmeshed with her. Cutting

her out of my life is not an option, but living with her careless unintentional

hurtful ways which she always has an excuse for is internally painful.

>

> Chloe..treasure that your sister understands your pain. I am sorry to hear

about your father...grief is always a painful process. I am thinking having some

relationship with your mother is best for you son if you can find the right

balance, boundaries and thick skin. Any tips on developing a thick skin with

someone you love?

August 20, 2011

I think this is a very profound and important insight that you have explained,

and it makes a lot of sense to me, RE, the therapist being the enlightened

witness, the validating adult, the buffer we all needed as children. Thank you

for sharing this insight.

I think it absolutely fits in my own case; there was nobody, not one adult, to

tell me that my mother was mentally ill, that she had absurdly unrealistic

expectations of us, that her parenting style was actually abusive, and that I

shouldn't take what she said and did to me personally.

Why did no one buffer me or validate me? Because my mother was able to rein in

her worst and most abusive behaviors for when we were alone together, or alone

with just me and my little Sister. My nada was usually pretty normal-acting and

more emotionally stable when dad was at home, or, she would direct her rages at

him instead of at Sister and me. She would ratchet the level of her rage at

us kids way down and wouldn't let herself go batshit crazy or physically

brutalize Sister or me when dad was home. She was high-functioning enough to

control herself in that way. On top of that, she could portray the very

picture of the gentle, tolerant, patient, long-suffering mother in front of

other adults. But I learned pretty early on that I couldn't use the

opportunity of being in public to act out even a little; payback would only be

delayed until we were in the car or behind closed doors.

Dad never spoke negatively about our mother to us, his whole life. He was very

loyal that way. The most he would ever say is that " Your mother is

" high-strung " (meaning " nervous " ) so you have to be good girls and do what your

mother says and keep her happy. "

So, he was basically telling us, " You're on your own. If you make her mad, you

know what the consequences will be. " He simply wasn't aware of how extreme she

could get with us, and we were too ashamed, embarrassed and afraid to even bring

it up with him. Mother made us believe that we deserved such treatment. She

was careful to only spank us or beat us with the belt where the marks wouldn't

show: our backs, buttocks and the backs of our legs. She was clever that way.

The hand print from a slap would fade quickly, and hitting us on the head didn't

show.

So whenever my mother would go off the deep end and descend into one of her

red-faced, spittle-flying, pupil-dilated screaming rages, and would screech in

my face that it was my fault that she would become so angry and spank, slap, or

beat me with the belt, because I was so bad, or so stupid, or so useless, or so

ungrateful, etc... OF COURSE I took it personally; what else can a child do in

such a case?

Your insight makes it all the more important to me, anyway, that we as adults,

whenever we have the opportunity, should make the effort to be enlightened

witnesses, and give validation and emotional support and buffering to the

children of abusive, mentally ill parents, so these kids can grow a thicker skin

earlier in life, and withstand the damage better.

-Annie

> >

> > This is my first posting too. I am looking for people to understand, because