romantic fantasy dissociative mechanism

August 20, 2011

Dear WTOs, I've had the strangest breakthrough today about one of my

dissociative techniques. I'm interested to know if it sounds at all familiar

(or even plausible) to any of you all.

I am on the PTSD/avoidance spectrum, which means I sometimes dissociate a little

in a mild 'freeze' state (though I don't lose memory at all), have distinct

personality traits that I can associate with certain ages (called ego states),

and have, let's just say not the healthiest habits regarding certain French

wines. Well I've just discovered another one that's been plaguing me for many

years, now.

But to make sense of it, you have to comprehend and believe that both my nada

and my NP-Dad were huge users of (sensitive topic alert) both passive

violence/threats and covert incest. My nada more obscenely and directly, but

also my NPD father, they made it clear to me, through extreme and constant

physical conditioning--my job was to be *romantically desirable to them. If I

did not act as their surrogate 'desirable' spouse, in various ways, then I would

literally die. In NPDs case, he would withhold resources for food and shelter

and other safety necessities such as medical insurance and car repairs; in

nada's case, she would banish and shame me to death or panic me to death in a

fire of anger, if I 'displeased' her by not being the kindof 'mate' she

required. Nada also forced down my throat (and my split good sisters) some

absolutely b/s idea that being 'desirable' to men is the only purpose to be

alive on earth, which only reinforced her own terrible style of intimate abuse.

It was a mess.

Well since I've gone NC and worked so hard in therapy and in research on the

horror that was my childhood, I've made many discoveries about my behaviors.

The one that's been troubling me the most the past few months is the 'defensive'

romantic fantasy. Sometimes I will have very intense, disturbing fantasies

about men I find attractive, who I may or may not even be dating, and I have

been trying to figure out why. I think today I have finally figured out why.

It's some kindof saftey response. Just like the 'freeze' tried to shield me

emotionally when there's no fight or flight possible, I think these fantasies

are trying to create a world of 'safety' when I am feeling something I've been

programmed to believe is physical danger. I've been taught that romantic

rejection equals physical danger. So, I guess when I experience potential

'rejection', my psyche tries to go into a form of safety mode, and create a

world where I am safe (ie, romantically 'desired' for a relationship).

Read this with your own grain of salt...I know it may sound a little out there.

But for me, it's very real. I think I may have just discovered THE one most

extensive, major source of pain and confusion in my entire life.

Wow. I can't believe my nada did this to me. What a terrible thing to do to a

daughter.

--Charlie

August 22, 2011

This attitude about one's self/sense of value doesn't sound unfamiliar to me.

Grandnada was an NPD, who dressed sexy and flirted with younger men until the

strokes made her too senile to dress herself (my grandmother famously showed up

at a gathering wearing black stockings with a dress slit to her hip--she was

over 70). She set all the " lures " but by all accounts was frigid and hated sex.

My BPD mother has some very strange sexual attitudes herself, ranging from sick

& slimy sexuality to prudishness.

I grew up thinking my only value was as a sexual partner. I was pretty, thin,

and could dress up and turn heads. My parents both utilized me as an emotional

surrogate spouse, and my mother's favorite stories were about her sex life.

I am very grateful for all the therapy I've had, that has taught me to value a

lot more about myself today. As I have gotten older and I can't make men turn

heads any more. If I hadn't gotten therapy I think this loss of positive

feedback would have devastated me.

For a long while I equated my 'desirability' with being validated as a person.

If my husband rejected an advance I felt abandoned. Inappropriate, but that's

how I was raised to feel.

>

> Dear WTOs, I've had the strangest breakthrough today about one of my

dissociative techniques. I'm interested to know if it sounds at all familiar

(or even plausible) to any of you all.

>

> I am on the PTSD/avoidance spectrum, which means I sometimes dissociate a

little in a mild 'freeze' state (though I don't lose memory at all), have

distinct personality traits that I can associate with certain ages (called ego

states), and have, let's just say not the healthiest habits regarding certain

French wines. Well I've just discovered another one that's been plaguing me for

many years, now.

>

> But to make sense of it, you have to comprehend and believe that both my nada