AMBUSHED by nada - need to RANT

[Guest guest]

I haven't posted in a little while, but I do come to this group often to read

posts by other KO's, and I have found it a tremendous source of comfort and

strength. Tonight, I really need some of that strength.

About a month ago, I shared a very long post about my nada's increasingly toxic,

abusive and downright bizzare behavior following my decision to go NC with her

back in May. Just a brief recap: Nada did NOT take that very well, and set

cranked the FOG machine up top speed. When her usual tactics didn't work, she

cranked it up a notch and launched a full-on smear campaign in which she

contacted members of my extended foo and spread lies about me and my DH being

abusive towards our daughter because we refused to let nada see her. She even

threatened to call CPS on us. Her campaign *tour* ended 600 miles away when nada

showed up unannounced at my cousin's house in Florida. Cousin, however, showed

her no sympathy, and nada left the following day.

Before nada left on her little tour, she left me a voicemail not asking, but

telling me in a very definant and demanding tone, that when she got back, she

WOULD be coming to my house, and she WOULD be spending some time with *her*

grandaughter. Nada repeated the threat to my brother and cousin, adding that

(in her words) " this has gone on long enough " !

Things were quiet for a few weeks, but DH and I did not let that lull us into a

false sense of security. We changed all of the locks on our house, installed a

peephole on the front door, and cleared out the garage so we could hide the car

and make it appear that nobody was at home. I knew that it would only be a

matter of time before nada figured it out, but it did buy us some time.

I knew that nada was hell bent on forcing a confrontation with me, but I just

wasn't ready to face her. I have been doing some pretty intense anger therapy

sessions with my T hoping that would help me to distance myself enough

emotionally to not get triggered and totally lose it when the inevitable

happened. In short, I did everything in my power to prepare myself when the time

came to face nada - or so I thought.

Last Tuesday, my DD was outside playing. She came running inside all excited

saying, " Mommy, Mommy, I saw Nana's car! " Needless to say, my heart stopped

briefly. I very calmly asked her if she was sure it was Nana. She said yes, she

was sure it was her, but that Nana didn't see her playing outside. Apparently,

she didn't see our car in the driveway, so she just drove on by the house. I

immediately called DH at work, but got no answer. He returned the call a few

minutes later and said that nada had come by his work! My DH works in an

appliance parts warehouse, and nada stopped by to order a part for her

microwave. He said she was dripping in over the top fake sweetness and acting

like nothing had ever happened. She talked all about her *vacation* in Florida

and how she had such a wonderful time. She then had the nerve to ask him if she

could come over later and bring some souviners she had purchased for us. She

really put DH on the spot, and there were other customers waiting, so he just

told her that it was not a good time and that we would not be home that night.

She then said, " Oh, ok. Well, I'll stop over some other time then " and left.

DH had to leave on Thursday morning on an out of town trip. I prayed that nada

would not try anything until he got back on Monday, because I truly did not want

to have to face her alone. Another reason was that I did not want our 6 y/o

daughter to witness a confrontation between me and nada. I have tried so hard to

shield her from all of this BS. But, alas, it was not meant to be.

I have not been feeling well for a couple of days and feel like I'm coming down

with a cold or something. So, earlier this afternoon, I had just laid down to

take a nap when I was rudely awakened by the sound of someone ringing my

doorbell about 20 times. I yelled out to DD not to answer it, but it was too

late. Nada pushed her way inside. I quickly ran into the living room and nada

made a beeline toward me, grabbed me, and started hugging me. I pushed her away,

but she kept trying to hug me. Then she said, " Oh, it's so good to see you. I've

missed you so much! " Before I could get myself together, she went back outside

and started taking an armload of gift bags out of her car. I mustered up all the

strength I could and politely, but firmly, told her, " Mom, this is NOT a good

time. I am sick, and I do not want to see you right now. "

Then she said, " Well, I'm not going to stay long, I just wanted to bring you

some things I got for you in Florida " . Then, she added, " If you're sick, I could

help you. Just let me know if you need help. "

I replied firmly, " No, I do NOT need help, mom. I just really need you to leave

now " .

It became clear to me that she had no intention of leaving until she got her

way, so I asked DD to please go to her room and let mama and nana talk. Then,

all hell broke loose. I don't know what happened, but something inside me just

snapped, and I let the bitch have it.

I told her that I did not appreciate the surprise attack. She said that she

would have called first, but that I never return her calls. I said, " Well,

that's because I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU! " I went on to tell her that I thought I

had made that point perfectly clear.

She then went straight into waif mode going all *poor me* and " I just don't

understand what I ever did to you...blah, blah, blah " . I told her that I was not

going to discuss that with her and that I did not owe her an explanation. She

said that she didn't understand why she couldn't see her grandaughter. So, I

reminded her that she did not respect me or my DH or our boundaries. She then

said, " I NEVER disrespected either one of you " to which I replied, " HA! " and let

her know that I knew exactly what she had been up to for the past couple of

months, and knew what she had been saying about us and that I did not appreciate

it one bit. All the time I was confronting her, I was manuevering her closer and

closer to the front door.

Of course, she denied ever having said those things about us and tried to

justify her actions. By this time, she was standing outside on the front porch.

I restated my boundary of NC with her, and told her that IF I decided that I

wanted to see her again, that I would decide WHEN and WHERE that contact would

take place, and it would be on MY terms, NOT hers. She asked me, " Well how long

is it going to be? Years? " , to which I replied, " I don't know, Mom. I have 40

years of CRAP to deal with, and that doesn't get fixed overnight. " I added, " I'm

sorry that it's not all going by your timetable, but this is NOT about YOU, this

is about ME, and I'm going to take all the time that I need " . I reminded her

that she had a chance to go to family counseling with my brother and me, and

that it was HER decision to walk out on us in the middle of our first and only

session. She tried to justify her way out of it, but I interrupted her and kept

going. I told her that her actions made it very clear to brother and me that she

was not willing to do what it takes to have a healthy relationship with her

children. I ended with, " So from now on, I'm doing things MY way. For 44 years,

I didn't have a voice, but I have one now, and I'm asking you once again, to

please leave " . Then, I closed the door in the bitch's face.

I was still shaking when I called my T. She told me she was proud of me though.

After 44 years of abuse, I finally stood up for myself. It feels good. My only

regret is that it happened when DD was around, but I didn't have any control

over that. Nada backed me into a corner. She was looking for a fight, and I gave

her one.

After I calmed down a bit, I did have a talk with DD. I kept it very age

appropriate and short. I just explained to her that Nana is sick, and she never

really grew up on the inside, and that makes her treat people mean sometimes. I

told her that sometimes when grownups have disagreements, that they need time

away from each other so they can work things out. I told her that Nana did some

things that hurt mama and daddy and we decided it was best for us to not be

around her for a while. I assured her that we still love her, and Nana still

loves her and she did nothing wrong. I told her that me and daddy were trying to

find a way for her to spend some time with Nana, but that Nana needed to do her

part and get some help to learn how to treat people nicer before we could let

that happen. DD just sat there and listened and didn't say anything. I asked her

if she had any questions, and she said no. I'm second guessing myself now. I

hope I did the right thing by talking to her. I don't know how much she

understands. I know she is only 6, but she is very intelligent for her age. I

just know that when I was growing up, our family had so many secrets, and I was

so full of insecurity. I never want her to feel that way. I want our family to

be open and honest about our feelings.

Wow, I know this seems to be rambling. I guess part of me is still trying to

reassure myself that I did the right thing. I talked to DH a little while ago,

and he told me he was proud of the way I handled it, and that the things I said

to her needed to be said. I know that I'm not responsible for her feelings, and

she brought this all on herself, but part of me feels sorry for her. I know she

will never understand, and I know that she is hurt. The last thing she said

before I shut the door was, " I will always love you, even if you hate my guts " .

She really is never going to get it, is she?

[Guest guest]

WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW

Applause!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does it feel even a little bit good???

On Sat, Aug 20, 2011 at 9:32 PM, juspeachyinga wrote:

> **

>

>

> I haven't posted in a little while, but I do come to this group often to

> read posts by other KO's, and I have found it a tremendous source of comfort

> and strength. Tonight, I really need some of that strength.

>

> About a month ago, I shared a very long post about my nada's increasingly

> toxic, abusive and downright bizzare behavior following my decision to go NC

> with her back in May. Just a brief recap: Nada did NOT take that very well,

> and set cranked the FOG machine up top speed. When her usual tactics didn't

> work, she cranked it up a notch and launched a full-on smear campaign in

> which she contacted members of my extended foo and spread lies about me and

> my DH being abusive towards our daughter because we refused to let nada see

> her. She even threatened to call CPS on us. Her campaign *tour* ended 600

> miles away when nada showed up unannounced at my cousin's house in Florida.

> Cousin, however, showed her no sympathy, and nada left the following day.

>

> Before nada left on her little tour, she left me a voicemail not asking,

> but telling me in a very definant and demanding tone, that when she got

> back, she WOULD be coming to my house, and she WOULD be spending some time

> with *her* grandaughter. Nada repeated the threat to my brother and cousin,

> adding that (in her words) " this has gone on long enough " !

>

> Things were quiet for a few weeks, but DH and I did not let that lull us

> into a false sense of security. We changed all of the locks on our house,

> installed a peephole on the front door, and cleared out the garage so we

> could hide the car and make it appear that nobody was at home. I knew that

> it would only be a matter of time before nada figured it out, but it did buy

> us some time.

>

> I knew that nada was hell bent on forcing a confrontation with me, but I

> just wasn't ready to face her. I have been doing some pretty intense anger

> therapy sessions with my T hoping that would help me to distance myself

> enough emotionally to not get triggered and totally lose it when the

> inevitable happened. In short, I did everything in my power to prepare

> myself when the time came to face nada - or so I thought.

>

> Last Tuesday, my DD was outside playing. She came running inside all

> excited saying, " Mommy, Mommy, I saw Nana's car! " Needless to say, my heart

> stopped briefly. I very calmly asked her if she was sure it was Nana. She

> said yes, she was sure it was her, but that Nana didn't see her playing

> outside. Apparently, she didn't see our car in the driveway, so she just

> drove on by the house. I immediately called DH at work, but got no answer.

> He returned the call a few minutes later and said that nada had come by his

> work! My DH works in an appliance parts warehouse, and nada stopped by to

> order a part for her microwave. He said she was dripping in over the top

> fake sweetness and acting like nothing had ever happened. She talked all

> about her *vacation* in Florida and how she had such a wonderful time. She

> then had the nerve to ask him if she could come over later and bring some

> souviners she had purchased for us. She really put DH on the spot, and there

> were other customers waiting, so he just told her that it was not a good

> time and that we would not be home that night. She then said, " Oh, ok. Well,

> I'll stop over some other time then " and left.

>

> DH had to leave on Thursday morning on an out of town trip. I prayed that

> nada would not try anything until he got back on Monday, because I truly did

> not want to have to face her alone. Another reason was that I did not want

> our 6 y/o daughter to witness a confrontation between me and nada. I have

> tried so hard to shield her from all of this BS. But, alas, it was not meant

> to be.

>

> I have not been feeling well for a couple of days and feel like I'm coming

> down with a cold or something. So, earlier this afternoon, I had just laid

> down to take a nap when I was rudely awakened by the sound of someone

> ringing my doorbell about 20 times. I yelled out to DD not to answer it, but

> it was too late. Nada pushed her way inside. I quickly ran into the living

> room and nada made a beeline toward me, grabbed me, and started hugging me.

> I pushed her away, but she kept trying to hug me. Then she said, " Oh, it's

> so good to see you. I've missed you so much! " Before I could get myself

> together, she went back outside and started taking an armload of gift bags

> out of her car. I mustered up all the strength I could and politely, but

> firmly, told her, " Mom, this is NOT a good time. I am sick, and I do not

> want to see you right now. "

>

> Then she said, " Well, I'm not going to stay long, I just wanted to bring

> you some things I got for you in Florida " . Then, she added, " If you're sick,

> I could help you. Just let me know if you need help. "

>

> I replied firmly, " No, I do NOT need help, mom. I just really need you to

> leave now " .

>

> It became clear to me that she had no intention of leaving until she got

> her way, so I asked DD to please go to her room and let mama and nana talk.

> Then, all hell broke loose. I don't know what happened, but something inside

> me just snapped, and I let the bitch have it.

>

> I told her that I did not appreciate the surprise attack. She said that she

> would have called first, but that I never return her calls. I said, " Well,

> that's because I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU! " I went on to tell her that I

> thought I had made that point perfectly clear.

>

> She then went straight into waif mode going all *poor me* and " I just don't

> understand what I ever did to you...blah, blah, blah " . I told her that I was

> not going to discuss that with her and that I did not owe her an

> explanation. She said that she didn't understand why she couldn't see her

> grandaughter. So, I reminded her that she did not respect me or my DH or our

> boundaries. She then said, " I NEVER disrespected either one of you " to which

> I replied, " HA! " and let her know that I knew exactly what she had been up

> to for the past couple of months, and knew what she had been saying about us

> and that I did not appreciate it one bit. All the time I was confronting

> her, I was manuevering her closer and closer to the front door.

>

> Of course, she denied ever having said those things about us and tried to

> justify her actions. By this time, she was standing outside on the front

> porch. I restated my boundary of NC with her, and told her that IF I decided

> that I wanted to see her again, that I would decide WHEN and WHERE that

> contact would take place, and it would be on MY terms, NOT hers. She asked

> me, " Well how long is it going to be? Years? " , to which I replied, " I don't

> know, Mom. I have 40 years of CRAP to deal with, and that doesn't get fixed

> overnight. " I added, " I'm sorry that it's not all going by your timetable,

> but this is NOT about YOU, this is about ME, and I'm going to take all the

> time that I need " . I reminded her that she had a chance to go to family

> counseling with my brother and me, and that it was HER decision to walk out

> on us in the middle of our first and only session. She tried to justify her

> way out of it, but I interrupted her and kept going. I told her that her

> actions made it very clear to brother and me that she was not willing to do

> what it takes to have a healthy relationship with her children. I ended

> with, " So from now on, I'm doing things MY way. For 44 years, I didn't have

> a voice, but I have one now, and I'm asking you once again, to please

> leave " . Then, I closed the door in the bitch's face.

>

> I was still shaking when I called my T. She told me she was proud of me

> though. After 44 years of abuse, I finally stood up for myself. It feels

> good. My only regret is that it happened when DD was around, but I didn't

> have any control over that. Nada backed me into a corner. She was looking

> for a fight, and I gave her one.

>

> After I calmed down a bit, I did have a talk with DD. I kept it very age

> appropriate and short. I just explained to her that Nana is sick, and she

> never really grew up on the inside, and that makes her treat people mean

> sometimes. I told her that sometimes when grownups have disagreements, that

> they need time away from each other so they can work things out. I told her

> that Nana did some things that hurt mama and daddy and we decided it was

> best for us to not be around her for a while. I assured her that we still

> love her, and Nana still loves her and she did nothing wrong. I told her

> that me and daddy were trying to find a way for her to spend some time with

> Nana, but that Nana needed to do her part and get some help to learn how to

> treat people nicer before we could let that happen. DD just sat there and

> listened and didn't say anything. I asked her if she had any questions, and

> she said no. I'm second guessing myself now. I hope I did the right thing by

> talking to her. I don't know how much she understands. I know she is only 6,

> but she is very intelligent for her age. I just know that when I was growing

> up, our family had so many secrets, and I was so full of insecurity. I never

> want her to feel that way. I want our family to be open and honest about our

> feelings.

>

> Wow, I know this seems to be rambling. I guess part of me is still trying

> to reassure myself that I did the right thing. I talked to DH a little while

> ago, and he told me he was proud of the way I handled it, and that the

> things I said to her needed to be said. I know that I'm not responsible for

> her feelings, and she brought this all on herself, but part of me feels

> sorry for her. I know she will never understand, and I know that she is

> hurt. The last thing she said before I shut the door was, " I will always

> love you, even if you hate my guts " . She really is never going to get it, is

> she?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

WOW! ! You are my hero! Congratulations! That was an amazing story!

You handled that so well. I mean, triple A+! You did aced the surprise attack

confrontation! We should list this as textbook " what to do when Nada shows up

unexpectedly " .

Seriously, you are my hero.

>

> I haven't posted in a little while, but I do come to this group often to read

posts by other KO's, and I have found it a tremendous source of comfort and

strength. Tonight, I really need some of that strength.

>

> About a month ago, I shared a very long post about my nada's increasingly

toxic, abusive and downright bizzare behavior following my decision to go NC

with her back in May. Just a brief recap: Nada did NOT take that very well, and

set cranked the FOG machine up top speed. When her usual tactics didn't work,

she cranked it up a notch and launched a full-on smear campaign in which she

contacted members of my extended foo and spread lies about me and my DH being

abusive towards our daughter because we refused to let nada see her. She even

threatened to call CPS on us. Her campaign *tour* ended 600 miles away when nada

showed up unannounced at my cousin's house in Florida. Cousin, however, showed

her no sympathy, and nada left the following day.

>

> Before nada left on her little tour, she left me a voicemail not asking, but

telling me in a very definant and demanding tone, that when she got back, she

WOULD be coming to my house, and she WOULD be spending some time with *her*

grandaughter. Nada repeated the threat to my brother and cousin, adding that

(in her words) " this has gone on long enough " !

>

> Things were quiet for a few weeks, but DH and I did not let that lull us into

a false sense of security. We changed all of the locks on our house, installed a

peephole on the front door, and cleared out the garage so we could hide the car

and make it appear that nobody was at home. I knew that it would only be a

matter of time before nada figured it out, but it did buy us some time.

>

> I knew that nada was hell bent on forcing a confrontation with me, but I just

wasn't ready to face her. I have been doing some pretty intense anger therapy

sessions with my T hoping that would help me to distance myself enough

emotionally to not get triggered and totally lose it when the inevitable

happened. In short, I did everything in my power to prepare myself when the time

came to face nada - or so I thought.

>

> Last Tuesday, my DD was outside playing. She came running inside all excited

saying, " Mommy, Mommy, I saw Nana's car! " Needless to say, my heart stopped

briefly. I very calmly asked her if she was sure it was Nana. She said yes, she

was sure it was her, but that Nana didn't see her playing outside. Apparently,

she didn't see our car in the driveway, so she just drove on by the house. I

immediately called DH at work, but got no answer. He returned the call a few

minutes later and said that nada had come by his work! My DH works in an

appliance parts warehouse, and nada stopped by to order a part for her

microwave. He said she was dripping in over the top fake sweetness and acting

like nothing had ever happened. She talked all about her *vacation* in Florida

and how she had such a wonderful time. She then had the nerve to ask him if she

could come over later and bring some souviners she had purchased for us. She

really put DH on the spot, and there were other customers waiting, so he just

told her that it was not a good time and that we would not be home that night.

She then said, " Oh, ok. Well, I'll stop over some other time then " and left.

>

> DH had to leave on Thursday morning on an out of town trip. I prayed that nada

would not try anything until he got back on Monday, because I truly did not want

to have to face her alone. Another reason was that I did not want our 6 y/o

daughter to witness a confrontation between me and nada. I have tried so hard to

shield her from all of this BS. But, alas, it was not meant to be.

>

> I have not been feeling well for a couple of days and feel like I'm coming

down with a cold or something. So, earlier this afternoon, I had just laid down

to take a nap when I was rudely awakened by the sound of someone ringing my

doorbell about 20 times. I yelled out to DD not to answer it, but it was too

late. Nada pushed her way inside. I quickly ran into the living room and nada

made a beeline toward me, grabbed me, and started hugging me. I pushed her away,

but she kept trying to hug me. Then she said, " Oh, it's so good to see you. I've

missed you so much! " Before I could get myself together, she went back outside

and started taking an armload of gift bags out of her car. I mustered up all the

strength I could and politely, but firmly, told her, " Mom, this is NOT a good

time. I am sick, and I do not want to see you right now. "

>

> Then she said, " Well, I'm not going to stay long, I just wanted to bring you

some things I got for you in Florida " . Then, she added, " If you're sick, I could

help you. Just let me know if you need help. "

>

> I replied firmly, " No, I do NOT need help, mom. I just really need you to

leave now " .

>

> It became clear to me that she had no intention of leaving until she got her

way, so I asked DD to please go to her room and let mama and nana talk. Then,

all hell broke loose. I don't know what happened, but something inside me just

snapped, and I let the bitch have it.

>

> I told her that I did not appreciate the surprise attack. She said that she

would have called first, but that I never return her calls. I said, " Well,

that's because I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU! " I went on to tell her that I thought I

had made that point perfectly clear.

>

> She then went straight into waif mode going all *poor me* and " I just don't

understand what I ever did to you...blah, blah, blah " . I told her that I was not

going to discuss that with her and that I did not owe her an explanation. She

said that she didn't understand why she couldn't see her grandaughter. So, I

reminded her that she did not respect me or my DH or our boundaries. She then

said, " I NEVER disrespected either one of you " to which I replied, " HA! " and let

her know that I knew exactly what she had been up to for the past couple of

months, and knew what she had been saying about us and that I did not appreciate

it one bit. All the time I was confronting her, I was manuevering her closer and

closer to the front door.

>

> Of course, she denied ever having said those things about us and tried to

justify her actions. By this time, she was standing outside on the front porch.

I restated my boundary of NC with her, and told her that IF I decided that I

wanted to see her again, that I would decide WHEN and WHERE that contact would

take place, and it would be on MY terms, NOT hers. She asked me, " Well how long

is it going to be? Years? " , to which I replied, " I don't know, Mom. I have 40

years of CRAP to deal with, and that doesn't get fixed overnight. " I added, " I'm

sorry that it's not all going by your timetable, but this is NOT about YOU, this

is about ME, and I'm going to take all the time that I need " . I reminded her

that she had a chance to go to family counseling with my brother and me, and

that it was HER decision to walk out on us in the middle of our first and only

session. She tried to justify her way out of it, but I interrupted her and kept

going. I told her that her actions made it very clear to brother and me that she

was not willing to do what it takes to have a healthy relationship with her

children. I ended with, " So from now on, I'm doing things MY way. For 44 years,

I didn't have a voice, but I have one now, and I'm asking you once again, to

please leave " . Then, I closed the door in the bitch's face.

>

> I was still shaking when I called my T. She told me she was proud of me

though. After 44 years of abuse, I finally stood up for myself. It feels good.

My only regret is that it happened when DD was around, but I didn't have any

control over that. Nada backed me into a corner. She was looking for a fight,

and I gave her one.

>

> After I calmed down a bit, I did have a talk with DD. I kept it very age

appropriate and short. I just explained to her that Nana is sick, and she never

really grew up on the inside, and that makes her treat people mean sometimes. I

told her that sometimes when grownups have disagreements, that they need time

away from each other so they can work things out. I told her that Nana did some

things that hurt mama and daddy and we decided it was best for us to not be

around her for a while. I assured her that we still love her, and Nana still

loves her and she did nothing wrong. I told her that me and daddy were trying to

find a way for her to spend some time with Nana, but that Nana needed to do her

part and get some help to learn how to treat people nicer before we could let

that happen. DD just sat there and listened and didn't say anything. I asked her

if she had any questions, and she said no. I'm second guessing myself now. I

hope I did the right thing by talking to her. I don't know how much she

understands. I know she is only 6, but she is very intelligent for her age. I

just know that when I was growing up, our family had so many secrets, and I was

so full of insecurity. I never want her to feel that way. I want our family to

be open and honest about our feelings.

>

> Wow, I know this seems to be rambling. I guess part of me is still trying to

reassure myself that I did the right thing. I talked to DH a little while ago,

and he told me he was proud of the way I handled it, and that the things I said

to her needed to be said. I know that I'm not responsible for her feelings, and

she brought this all on herself, but part of me feels sorry for her. I know she

will never understand, and I know that she is hurt. The last thing she said

before I shut the door was, " I will always love you, even if you hate my guts " .

She really is never going to get it, is she?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, , you were AWESOME! You were the Lioness at the Gate, protecting

her cub! Kudos to you for your courage and yet you were maintaining control the

whole time. Truly awesome nada-wrangling, sez I.

And yes, the depth of the bpd's denial, their ability to lie so smoothly and

glibly, their skill in rewriting of history so that they are always the victim

and so clueless as to why you are " being mean " to them... is just breathtaking

in its scope and never ceases to amaze me. You are right: they are either

genuinely incapable of comprehending the damage they do, or they think we're

just amazingly stupid and will buy their " I'm clueless " act. Either option is

just beyond frustrating to deal with. It truly makes me wonder if borderline

pd is some kind or form of dementia: real organic brain damage, or some form of

psychosis: a true break with reality?

In any case, I am jumping up and down waving pom-poms in the air, cheering for

you.

And I personally think that was as good a way as any to explain what happened to

your 6 year old, at her level of understanding. I particularly like the part

where you made it clear that grandnada isn't " 'grown up " on the inside, can be

mean sometimes, and needs to get help to learn how to treat people nicer. I

think that would be very understandable to a child.

Thank you for sharing your experience with us; I think you did very well and

I'm in awe of both your courage and your self-control. Big virtual high-five

from me.

-Annie

>

> I haven't posted in a little while, but I do come to this group often to read

posts by other KO's, and I have found it a tremendous source of comfort and

strength. Tonight, I really need some of that strength.

>

> About a month ago, I shared a very long post about my nada's increasingly

toxic, abusive and downright bizzare behavior following my decision to go NC

with her back in May. Just a brief recap: Nada did NOT take that very well, and

set cranked the FOG machine up top speed. When her usual tactics didn't work,

she cranked it up a notch and launched a full-on smear campaign in which she

contacted members of my extended foo and spread lies about me and my DH being

abusive towards our daughter because we refused to let nada see her. She even

threatened to call CPS on us. Her campaign *tour* ended 600 miles away when nada

showed up unannounced at my cousin's house in Florida. Cousin, however, showed

her no sympathy, and nada left the following day.

>

> Before nada left on her little tour, she left me a voicemail not asking, but

telling me in a very definant and demanding tone, that when she got back, she

WOULD be coming to my house, and she WOULD be spending some time with *her*

grandaughter. Nada repeated the threat to my brother and cousin, adding that

(in her words) " this has gone on long enough " !

>

> Things were quiet for a few weeks, but DH and I did not let that lull us into

a false sense of security. We changed all of the locks on our house, installed a

peephole on the front door, and cleared out the garage so we could hide the car

and make it appear that nobody was at home. I knew that it would only be a

matter of time before nada figured it out, but it did buy us some time.

>

> I knew that nada was hell bent on forcing a confrontation with me, but I just

wasn't ready to face her. I have been doing some pretty intense anger therapy

sessions with my T hoping that would help me to distance myself enough

emotionally to not get triggered and totally lose it when the inevitable

happened. In short, I did everything in my power to prepare myself when the time

came to face nada - or so I thought.

>

> Last Tuesday, my DD was outside playing. She came running inside all excited

saying, " Mommy, Mommy, I saw Nana's car! " Needless to say, my heart stopped

briefly. I very calmly asked her if she was sure it was Nana. She said yes, she

was sure it was her, but that Nana didn't see her playing outside. Apparently,

she didn't see our car in the driveway, so she just drove on by the house. I

immediately called DH at work, but got no answer. He returned the call a few

minutes later and said that nada had come by his work! My DH works in an

appliance parts warehouse, and nada stopped by to order a part for her

microwave. He said she was dripping in over the top fake sweetness and acting

like nothing had ever happened. She talked all about her *vacation* in Florida

and how she had such a wonderful time. She then had the nerve to ask him if she

could come over later and bring some souviners she had purchased for us. She

really put DH on the spot, and there were other customers waiting, so he just

told her that it was not a good time and that we would not be home that night.

She then said, " Oh, ok. Well, I'll stop over some other time then " and left.

>

> DH had to leave on Thursday morning on an out of town trip. I prayed that nada

would not try anything until he got back on Monday, because I truly did not want

to have to face her alone. Another reason was that I did not want our 6 y/o

daughter to witness a confrontation between me and nada. I have tried so hard to

shield her from all of this BS. But, alas, it was not meant to be.

>

> I have not been feeling well for a couple of days and feel like I'm coming

down with a cold or something. So, earlier this afternoon, I had just laid down

to take a nap when I was rudely awakened by the sound of someone ringing my

doorbell about 20 times. I yelled out to DD not to answer it, but it was too

late. Nada pushed her way inside. I quickly ran into the living room and nada

made a beeline toward me, grabbed me, and started hugging me. I pushed her away,

but she kept trying to hug me. Then she said, " Oh, it's so good to see you. I've

missed you so much! " Before I could get myself together, she went back outside

and started taking an armload of gift bags out of her car. I mustered up all the

strength I could and politely, but firmly, told her, " Mom, this is NOT a good

time. I am sick, and I do not want to see you right now. "

>

> Then she said, " Well, I'm not going to stay long, I just wanted to bring you

some things I got for you in Florida " . Then, she added, " If you're sick, I could

help you. Just let me know if you need help. "

>

> I replied firmly, " No, I do NOT need help, mom. I just really need you to

leave now " .

>

> It became clear to me that she had no intention of leaving until she got her

way, so I asked DD to please go to her room and let mama and nana talk. Then,

all hell broke loose. I don't know what happened, but something inside me just

snapped, and I let the bitch have it.

>

> I told her that I did not appreciate the surprise attack. She said that she

would have called first, but that I never return her calls. I said, " Well,

that's because I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU! " I went on to tell her that I thought I

had made that point perfectly clear.

>

> She then went straight into waif mode going all *poor me* and " I just don't

understand what I ever did to you...blah, blah, blah " . I told her that I was not

going to discuss that with her and that I did not owe her an explanation. She

said that she didn't understand why she couldn't see her grandaughter. So, I

reminded her that she did not respect me or my DH or our boundaries. She then

said, " I NEVER disrespected either one of you " to which I replied, " HA! " and let

her know that I knew exactly what she had been up to for the past couple of

months, and knew what she had been saying about us and that I did not appreciate

it one bit. All the time I was confronting her, I was manuevering her closer and

closer to the front door.

>

> Of course, she denied ever having said those things about us and tried to

justify her actions. By this time, she was standing outside on the front porch.

I restated my boundary of NC with her, and told her that IF I decided that I

wanted to see her again, that I would decide WHEN and WHERE that contact would

take place, and it would be on MY terms, NOT hers. She asked me, " Well how long

is it going to be? Years? " , to which I replied, " I don't know, Mom. I have 40

years of CRAP to deal with, and that doesn't get fixed overnight. " I added, " I'm

sorry that it's not all going by your timetable, but this is NOT about YOU, this

is about ME, and I'm going to take all the time that I need " . I reminded her

that she had a chance to go to family counseling with my brother and me, and

that it was HER decision to walk out on us in the middle of our first and only

session. She tried to justify her way out of it, but I interrupted her and kept

going. I told her that her actions made it very clear to brother and me that she

was not willing to do what it takes to have a healthy relationship with her

children. I ended with, " So from now on, I'm doing things MY way. For 44 years,

I didn't have a voice, but I have one now, and I'm asking you once again, to

please leave " . Then, I closed the door in the bitch's face.

>

> I was still shaking when I called my T. She told me she was proud of me

though. After 44 years of abuse, I finally stood up for myself. It feels good.

My only regret is that it happened when DD was around, but I didn't have any

control over that. Nada backed me into a corner. She was looking for a fight,

and I gave her one.

>

> After I calmed down a bit, I did have a talk with DD. I kept it very age

appropriate and short. I just explained to her that Nana is sick, and she never

really grew up on the inside, and that makes her treat people mean sometimes. I

told her that sometimes when grownups have disagreements, that they need time

away from each other so they can work things out. I told her that Nana did some

things that hurt mama and daddy and we decided it was best for us to not be

around her for a while. I assured her that we still love her, and Nana still

loves her and she did nothing wrong. I told her that me and daddy were trying to

find a way for her to spend some time with Nana, but that Nana needed to do her

part and get some help to learn how to treat people nicer before we could let

that happen. DD just sat there and listened and didn't say anything. I asked her

if she had any questions, and she said no. I'm second guessing myself now. I

hope I did the right thing by talking to her. I don't know how much she

understands. I know she is only 6, but she is very intelligent for her age. I

just know that when I was growing up, our family had so many secrets, and I was

so full of insecurity. I never want her to feel that way. I want our family to

be open and honest about our feelings.

>

> Wow, I know this seems to be rambling. I guess part of me is still trying to

reassure myself that I did the right thing. I talked to DH a little while ago,

and he told me he was proud of the way I handled it, and that the things I said

to her needed to be said. I know that I'm not responsible for her feelings, and

she brought this all on herself, but part of me feels sorry for her. I know she

will never understand, and I know that she is hurt. The last thing she said

before I shut the door was, " I will always love you, even if you hate my guts " .

She really is never going to get it, is she?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You did fantastic! Congratulations on keeping your cool and staying focused.

That you feel sorry for her only says you are a compassionate and caring person.

Just remember she is the one who has caused all this misery for herself.

You did great with your daughter, too. You were honest with her and didn't deny

what had happened. You were a mom who took charge and slayed the dragon. You

rock!

After all the things you've had to do to avoid confrontations with her: hiding

the car, everyone on the look out. This must have felt entirely liberating!

>

> I haven't posted in a little while, but I do come to this group often to read

posts by other KO's, and I have found it a tremendous source of comfort and

strength. Tonight, I really need some of that strength.

>

> About a month ago, I shared a very long post about my nada's increasingly

toxic, abusive and downright bizzare behavior following my decision to go NC

with her back in May. Just a brief recap: Nada did NOT take that very well, and

set cranked the FOG machine up top speed. When her usual tactics didn't work,

she cranked it up a notch and launched a full-on smear campaign in which she

contacted members of my extended foo and spread lies about me and my DH being

abusive towards our daughter because we refused to let nada see her. She even

threatened to call CPS on us. Her campaign *tour* ended 600 miles away when nada

showed up unannounced at my cousin's house in Florida. Cousin, however, showed

her no sympathy, and nada left the following day.

>

> Before nada left on her little tour, she left me a voicemail not asking, but

telling me in a very definant and demanding tone, that when she got back, she

WOULD be coming to my house, and she WOULD be spending some time with *her*

grandaughter. Nada repeated the threat to my brother and cousin, adding that

(in her words) " this has gone on long enough " !

>

> Things were quiet for a few weeks, but DH and I did not let that lull us into

a false sense of security. We changed all of the locks on our house, installed a

peephole on the front door, and cleared out the garage so we could hide the car

and make it appear that nobody was at home. I knew that it would only be a

matter of time before nada figured it out, but it did buy us some time.

>

> I knew that nada was hell bent on forcing a confrontation with me, but I just

wasn't ready to face her. I have been doing some pretty intense anger therapy

sessions with my T hoping that would help me to distance myself enough

emotionally to not get triggered and totally lose it when the inevitable

happened. In short, I did everything in my power to prepare myself when the time

came to face nada - or so I thought.

>

> Last Tuesday, my DD was outside playing. She came running inside all excited

saying, " Mommy, Mommy, I saw Nana's car! " Needless to say, my heart stopped

briefly. I very calmly asked her if she was sure it was Nana. She said yes, she

was sure it was her, but that Nana didn't see her playing outside. Apparently,

she didn't see our car in the driveway, so she just drove on by the house. I

immediately called DH at work, but got no answer. He returned the call a few

minutes later and said that nada had come by his work! My DH works in an

appliance parts warehouse, and nada stopped by to order a part for her

microwave. He said she was dripping in over the top fake sweetness and acting

like nothing had ever happened. She talked all about her *vacation* in Florida

and how she had such a wonderful time. She then had the nerve to ask him if she

could come over later and bring some souviners she had purchased for us. She

really put DH on the spot, and there were other customers waiting, so he just

told her that it was not a good time and that we would not be home that night.

She then said, " Oh, ok. Well, I'll stop over some other time then " and left.

>

> DH had to leave on Thursday morning on an out of town trip. I prayed that nada

would not try anything until he got back on Monday, because I truly did not want

to have to face her alone. Another reason was that I did not want our 6 y/o

daughter to witness a confrontation between me and nada. I have tried so hard to

shield her from all of this BS. But, alas, it was not meant to be.

>

> I have not been feeling well for a couple of days and feel like I'm coming

down with a cold or something. So, earlier this afternoon, I had just laid down

to take a nap when I was rudely awakened by the sound of someone ringing my

doorbell about 20 times. I yelled out to DD not to answer it, but it was too

late. Nada pushed her way inside. I quickly ran into the living room and nada

made a beeline toward me, grabbed me, and started hugging me. I pushed her away,

but she kept trying to hug me. Then she said, " Oh, it's so good to see you. I've

missed you so much! " Before I could get myself together, she went back outside

and started taking an armload of gift bags out of her car. I mustered up all the

strength I could and politely, but firmly, told her, " Mom, this is NOT a good

time. I am sick, and I do not want to see you right now. "

>

> Then she said, " Well, I'm not going to stay long, I just wanted to bring you

some things I got for you in Florida " . Then, she added, " If you're sick, I could

help you. Just let me know if you need help. "

>

> I replied firmly, " No, I do NOT need help, mom. I just really need you to

leave now " .

>

> It became clear to me that she had no intention of leaving until she got her

way, so I asked DD to please go to her room and let mama and nana talk. Then,

all hell broke loose. I don't know what happened, but something inside me just

snapped, and I let the bitch have it.

>

> I told her that I did not appreciate the surprise attack. She said that she

would have called first, but that I never return her calls. I said, " Well,

that's because I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU! " I went on to tell her that I thought I

had made that point perfectly clear.

>

> She then went straight into waif mode going all *poor me* and " I just don't

understand what I ever did to you...blah, blah, blah " . I told her that I was not

going to discuss that with her and that I did not owe her an explanation. She

said that she didn't understand why she couldn't see her grandaughter. So, I

reminded her that she did not respect me or my DH or our boundaries. She then

said, " I NEVER disrespected either one of you " to which I replied, " HA! " and let

her know that I knew exactly what she had been up to for the past couple of

months, and knew what she had been saying about us and that I did not appreciate

it one bit. All the time I was confronting her, I was manuevering her closer and

closer to the front door.

>

> Of course, she denied ever having said those things about us and tried to

justify her actions. By this time, she was standing outside on the front porch.

I restated my boundary of NC with her, and told her that IF I decided that I

wanted to see her again, that I would decide WHEN and WHERE that contact would

take place, and it would be on MY terms, NOT hers. She asked me, " Well how long

is it going to be? Years? " , to which I replied, " I don't know, Mom. I have 40

years of CRAP to deal with, and that doesn't get fixed overnight. " I added, " I'm

sorry that it's not all going by your timetable, but this is NOT about YOU, this

is about ME, and I'm going to take all the time that I need " . I reminded her

that she had a chance to go to family counseling with my brother and me, and

that it was HER decision to walk out on us in the middle of our first and only

session. She tried to justify her way out of it, but I interrupted her and kept

going. I told her that her actions made it very clear to brother and me that she

was not willing to do what it takes to have a healthy relationship with her

children. I ended with, " So from now on, I'm doing things MY way. For 44 years,

I didn't have a voice, but I have one now, and I'm asking you once again, to

please leave " . Then, I closed the door in the bitch's face.

>

> I was still shaking when I called my T. She told me she was proud of me

though. After 44 years of abuse, I finally stood up for myself. It feels good.

My only regret is that it happened when DD was around, but I didn't have any

control over that. Nada backed me into a corner. She was looking for a fight,

and I gave her one.

>

> After I calmed down a bit, I did have a talk with DD. I kept it very age

appropriate and short. I just explained to her that Nana is sick, and she never

really grew up on the inside, and that makes her treat people mean sometimes. I

told her that sometimes when grownups have disagreements, that they need time

away from each other so they can work things out. I told her that Nana did some

things that hurt mama and daddy and we decided it was best for us to not be

around her for a while. I assured her that we still love her, and Nana still

loves her and she did nothing wrong. I told her that me and daddy were trying to

find a way for her to spend some time with Nana, but that Nana needed to do her

part and get some help to learn how to treat people nicer before we could let

that happen. DD just sat there and listened and didn't say anything. I asked her

if she had any questions, and she said no. I'm second guessing myself now. I

hope I did the right thing by talking to her. I don't know how much she

understands. I know she is only 6, but she is very intelligent for her age. I

just know that when I was growing up, our family had so many secrets, and I was

so full of insecurity. I never want her to feel that way. I want our family to

be open and honest about our feelings.

>

> Wow, I know this seems to be rambling. I guess part of me is still trying to

reassure myself that I did the right thing. I talked to DH a little while ago,

and he told me he was proud of the way I handled it, and that the things I said

to her needed to be said. I know that I'm not responsible for her feelings, and

she brought this all on herself, but part of me feels sorry for her. I know she

will never understand, and I know that she is hurt. The last thing she said

before I shut the door was, " I will always love you, even if you hate my guts " .

She really is never going to get it, is she?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the kind words Echobabe. It really means a lot to me. You're

right. I'm so relieved that this episode is over! I know that it's not the end

though, but I feel like this was a small victory for me. I showed myself that I

could do it, and I feel much stronger having slayed that dragon! Nada came, she

saw, I conquered, and I live to fight another day.

>

> You did fantastic! Congratulations on keeping your cool and staying focused.

>

> That you feel sorry for her only says you are a compassionate and caring

person. Just remember she is the one who has caused all this misery for herself.

>

> You did great with your daughter, too. You were honest with her and didn't

deny what had happened. You were a mom who took charge and slayed the dragon.

You rock!

>

> After all the things you've had to do to avoid confrontations with her: hiding

the car, everyone on the look out. This must have felt entirely liberating!

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks GS! No, it doesn't feel good....it feels GREAT! And, I feel tremendous

relief that it's over and I survived...no, not just survived, I KICKED ASS!

There is a small part of me that feels a little sad though. Not sad for HER, but

sad for me because I really truly did not want to confront her. In fact, I did

everything possible to avoid it. But despite all that, she backed me into a

corner and I didn't have a choice. I mean, what else could I do? I told my

brother that I feel bad that it had to come to this. I know I'm not responsible

for her feelings, but I know she is sick and she doesn't understand and I know

the things I said hurt her.

I loved his reply. He said, " Mel, you didn't hurt her, you protected yourself.

She brought the hurt on herself when she chose to barge in and invade your

privacy in your home. After all, it's not like you went to HER house and yelled

at her. " Sounds like little brother is beginning to see the light! :-)

>

> WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW

>

> Applause!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>

> Does it feel even a little bit good???

[Guest guest]

SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

Reading this was like you wrote it about my nada (the only difference being that

I don't have a child). I basically said the same things to my nada, but in an

email. I admire your courage to say it to her face.

How are you feeling now?

K

>

> I haven't posted in a little while, but I do come to this group often to read

posts by other KO's, and I have found it a tremendous source of comfort and

strength. Tonight, I really need some of that strength.

>

> About a month ago, I shared a very long post about my nada's increasingly

toxic, abusive and downright bizzare behavior following my decision to go NC

with her back in May. Just a brief recap: Nada did NOT take that very well, and

set cranked the FOG machine up top speed. When her usual tactics didn't work,

she cranked it up a notch and launched a full-on smear campaign in which she

contacted members of my extended foo and spread lies about me and my DH being

abusive towards our daughter because we refused to let nada see her. She even

threatened to call CPS on us. Her campaign *tour* ended 600 miles away when nada

showed up unannounced at my cousin's house in Florida. Cousin, however, showed

her no sympathy, and nada left the following day.

>

> Before nada left on her little tour, she left me a voicemail not asking, but

telling me in a very definant and demanding tone, that when she got back, she

WOULD be coming to my house, and she WOULD be spending some time with *her*

grandaughter. Nada repeated the threat to my brother and cousin, adding that

(in her words) " this has gone on long enough " !

>

> Things were quiet for a few weeks, but DH and I did not let that lull us into

a false sense of security. We changed all of the locks on our house, installed a

peephole on the front door, and cleared out the garage so we could hide the car

and make it appear that nobody was at home. I knew that it would only be a

matter of time before nada figured it out, but it did buy us some time.

>

> I knew that nada was hell bent on forcing a confrontation with me, but I just

wasn't ready to face her. I have been doing some pretty intense anger therapy

sessions with my T hoping that would help me to distance myself enough

emotionally to not get triggered and totally lose it when the inevitable

happened. In short, I did everything in my power to prepare myself when the time

came to face nada - or so I thought.

>

> Last Tuesday, my DD was outside playing. She came running inside all excited

saying, " Mommy, Mommy, I saw Nana's car! " Needless to say, my heart stopped

briefly. I very calmly asked her if she was sure it was Nana. She said yes, she

was sure it was her, but that Nana didn't see her playing outside. Apparently,

she didn't see our car in the driveway, so she just drove on by the house. I

immediately called DH at work, but got no answer. He returned the call a few

minutes later and said that nada had come by his work! My DH works in an

appliance parts warehouse, and nada stopped by to order a part for her

microwave. He said she was dripping in over the top fake sweetness and acting

like nothing had ever happened. She talked all about her *vacation* in Florida

and how she had such a wonderful time. She then had the nerve to ask him if she

could come over later and bring some souviners she had purchased for us. She

really put DH on the spot, and there were other customers waiting, so he just

told her that it was not a good time and that we would not be home that night.

She then said, " Oh, ok. Well, I'll stop over some other time then " and left.

>

> DH had to leave on Thursday morning on an out of town trip. I prayed that nada

would not try anything until he got back on Monday, because I truly did not want

to have to face her alone. Another reason was that I did not want our 6 y/o

daughter to witness a confrontation between me and nada. I have tried so hard to

shield her from all of this BS. But, alas, it was not meant to be.

>

> I have not been feeling well for a couple of days and feel like I'm coming

down with a cold or something. So, earlier this afternoon, I had just laid down

to take a nap when I was rudely awakened by the sound of someone ringing my

doorbell about 20 times. I yelled out to DD not to answer it, but it was too

late. Nada pushed her way inside. I quickly ran into the living room and nada

made a beeline toward me, grabbed me, and started hugging me. I pushed her away,

but she kept trying to hug me. Then she said, " Oh, it's so good to see you. I've

missed you so much! " Before I could get myself together, she went back outside

and started taking an armload of gift bags out of her car. I mustered up all the

strength I could and politely, but firmly, told her, " Mom, this is NOT a good

time. I am sick, and I do not want to see you right now. "

>

> Then she said, " Well, I'm not going to stay long, I just wanted to bring you

some things I got for you in Florida " . Then, she added, " If you're sick, I could

help you. Just let me know if you need help. "

>

> I replied firmly, " No, I do NOT need help, mom. I just really need you to

leave now " .

>

> It became clear to me that she had no intention of leaving until she got her

way, so I asked DD to please go to her room and let mama and nana talk. Then,

all hell broke loose. I don't know what happened, but something inside me just

snapped, and I let the bitch have it.

>

> I told her that I did not appreciate the surprise attack. She said that she

would have called first, but that I never return her calls. I said, " Well,

that's because I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU! " I went on to tell her that I thought I

had made that point perfectly clear.

>

> She then went straight into waif mode going all *poor me* and " I just don't

understand what I ever did to you...blah, blah, blah " . I told her that I was not

going to discuss that with her and that I did not owe her an explanation. She

said that she didn't understand why she couldn't see her grandaughter. So, I

reminded her that she did not respect me or my DH or our boundaries. She then

said, " I NEVER disrespected either one of you " to which I replied, " HA! " and let

her know that I knew exactly what she had been up to for the past couple of

months, and knew what she had been saying about us and that I did not appreciate

it one bit. All the time I was confronting her, I was manuevering her closer and

closer to the front door.

>

> Of course, she denied ever having said those things about us and tried to

justify her actions. By this time, she was standing outside on the front porch.

I restated my boundary of NC with her, and told her that IF I decided that I

wanted to see her again, that I would decide WHEN and WHERE that contact would

take place, and it would be on MY terms, NOT hers. She asked me, " Well how long

is it going to be? Years? " , to which I replied, " I don't know, Mom. I have 40

years of CRAP to deal with, and that doesn't get fixed overnight. " I added, " I'm

sorry that it's not all going by your timetable, but this is NOT about YOU, this

is about ME, and I'm going to take all the time that I need " . I reminded her

that she had a chance to go to family counseling with my brother and me, and

that it was HER decision to walk out on us in the middle of our first and only

session. She tried to justify her way out of it, but I interrupted her and kept

going. I told her that her actions made it very clear to brother and me that she

was not willing to do what it takes to have a healthy relationship with her

children. I ended with, " So from now on, I'm doing things MY way. For 44 years,

I didn't have a voice, but I have one now, and I'm asking you once again, to

please leave " . Then, I closed the door in the bitch's face.

>

> I was still shaking when I called my T. She told me she was proud of me

though. After 44 years of abuse, I finally stood up for myself. It feels good.

My only regret is that it happened when DD was around, but I didn't have any

control over that. Nada backed me into a corner. She was looking for a fight,

and I gave her one.

>

> After I calmed down a bit, I did have a talk with DD. I kept it very age

appropriate and short. I just explained to her that Nana is sick, and she never

really grew up on the inside, and that makes her treat people mean sometimes. I

told her that sometimes when grownups have disagreements, that they need time

away from each other so they can work things out. I told her that Nana did some

things that hurt mama and daddy and we decided it was best for us to not be

around her for a while. I assured her that we still love her, and Nana still

loves her and she did nothing wrong. I told her that me and daddy were trying to

find a way for her to spend some time with Nana, but that Nana needed to do her

part and get some help to learn how to treat people nicer before we could let

that happen. DD just sat there and listened and didn't say anything. I asked her

if she had any questions, and she said no. I'm second guessing myself now. I

hope I did the right thing by talking to her. I don't know how much she

understands. I know she is only 6, but she is very intelligent for her age. I

just know that when I was growing up, our family had so many secrets, and I was

so full of insecurity. I never want her to feel that way. I want our family to

be open and honest about our feelings.

>

> Wow, I know this seems to be rambling. I guess part of me is still trying to

reassure myself that I did the right thing. I talked to DH a little while ago,

and he told me he was proud of the way I handled it, and that the things I said

to her needed to be said. I know that I'm not responsible for her feelings, and

she brought this all on herself, but part of me feels sorry for her. I know she

will never understand, and I know that she is hurt. The last thing she said

before I shut the door was, " I will always love you, even if you hate my guts " .

She really is never going to get it, is she?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, , you're my hero!!!

Me too, it's very hard for me to say those things face to face to nada. I have

more courage in writing. You rock!!

> >

> > I haven't posted in a little while, but I do come to this group often to

read posts by other KO's, and I have found it a tremendous source of comfort and

strength. Tonight, I really need some of that strength.

> >

> > About a month ago, I shared a very long post about my nada's increasingly

toxic, abusive and downright bizzare behavior following my decision to go NC

with her back in May. Just a brief recap: Nada did NOT take that very well, and

set cranked the FOG machine up top speed. When her usual tactics didn't work,

she cranked it up a notch and launched a full-on smear campaign in which she

contacted members of my extended foo and spread lies about me and my DH being

abusive towards our daughter because we refused to let nada see her. She even

threatened to call CPS on us. Her campaign *tour* ended 600 miles away when nada

showed up unannounced at my cousin's house in Florida. Cousin, however, showed

her no sympathy, and nada left the following day.

> >

> > Before nada left on her little tour, she left me a voicemail not asking, but

telling me in a very definant and demanding tone, that when she got back, she

WOULD be coming to my house, and she WOULD be spending some time with *her*

grandaughter. Nada repeated the threat to my brother and cousin, adding that

(in her words) " this has gone on long enough " !

> >

> > Things were quiet for a few weeks, but DH and I did not let that lull us

into a false sense of security. We changed all of the locks on our house,

installed a peephole on the front door, and cleared out the garage so we could

hide the car and make it appear that nobody was at home. I knew that it would

only be a matter of time before nada figured it out, but it did buy us some

time.

> >

> > I knew that nada was hell bent on forcing a confrontation with me, but I

just wasn't ready to face her. I have been doing some pretty intense anger

therapy sessions with my T hoping that would help me to distance myself enough

emotionally to not get triggered and totally lose it when the inevitable

happened. In short, I did everything in my power to prepare myself when the time

came to face nada - or so I thought.

> >

> > Last Tuesday, my DD was outside playing. She came running inside all excited

saying, " Mommy, Mommy, I saw Nana's car! " Needless to say, my heart stopped

briefly. I very calmly asked her if she was sure it was Nana. She said yes, she

was sure it was her, but that Nana didn't see her playing outside. Apparently,

she didn't see our car in the driveway, so she just drove on by the house. I

immediately called DH at work, but got no answer. He returned the call a few

minutes later and said that nada had come by his work! My DH works in an

appliance parts warehouse, and nada stopped by to order a part for her

microwave. He said she was dripping in over the top fake sweetness and acting

like nothing had ever happened. She talked all about her *vacation* in Florida

and how she had such a wonderful time. She then had the nerve to ask him if she

could come over later and bring some souviners she had purchased for us. She

really put DH on the spot, and there were other customers waiting, so he just

told her that it was not a good time and that we would not be home that night.

She then said, " Oh, ok. Well, I'll stop over some other time then " and left.

> >

> > DH had to leave on Thursday morning on an out of town trip. I prayed that

nada would not try anything until he got back on Monday, because I truly did not

want to have to face her alone. Another reason was that I did not want our 6 y/o

daughter to witness a confrontation between me and nada. I have tried so hard to

shield her from all of this BS. But, alas, it was not meant to be.

> >

> > I have not been feeling well for a couple of days and feel like I'm coming

down with a cold or something. So, earlier this afternoon, I had just laid down

to take a nap when I was rudely awakened by the sound of someone ringing my

doorbell about 20 times. I yelled out to DD not to answer it, but it was too

late. Nada pushed her way inside. I quickly ran into the living room and nada

made a beeline toward me, grabbed me, and started hugging me. I pushed her away,

but she kept trying to hug me. Then she said, " Oh, it's so good to see you. I've

missed you so much! " Before I could get myself together, she went back outside

and started taking an armload of gift bags out of her car. I mustered up all the

strength I could and politely, but firmly, told her, " Mom, this is NOT a good

time. I am sick, and I do not want to see you right now. "

> >

> > Then she said, " Well, I'm not going to stay long, I just wanted to bring you

some things I got for you in Florida " . Then, she added, " If you're sick, I could

help you. Just let me know if you need help. "

> >

> > I replied firmly, " No, I do NOT need help, mom. I just really need you to

leave now " .

> >

> > It became clear to me that she had no intention of leaving until she got her

way, so I asked DD to please go to her room and let mama and nana talk. Then,

all hell broke loose. I don't know what happened, but something inside me just

snapped, and I let the bitch have it.

> >

> > I told her that I did not appreciate the surprise attack. She said that she

would have called first, but that I never return her calls. I said, " Well,

that's because I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU! " I went on to tell her that I thought I

had made that point perfectly clear.

> >

> > She then went straight into waif mode going all *poor me* and " I just don't

understand what I ever did to you...blah, blah, blah " . I told her that I was not

going to discuss that with her and that I did not owe her an explanation. She

said that she didn't understand why she couldn't see her grandaughter. So, I

reminded her that she did not respect me or my DH or our boundaries. She then

said, " I NEVER disrespected either one of you " to which I replied, " HA! " and let

her know that I knew exactly what she had been up to for the past couple of

months, and knew what she had been saying about us and that I did not appreciate

it one bit. All the time I was confronting her, I was manuevering her closer and

closer to the front door.

> >

> > Of course, she denied ever having said those things about us and tried to

justify her actions. By this time, she was standing outside on the front porch.

I restated my boundary of NC with her, and told her that IF I decided that I

wanted to see her again, that I would decide WHEN and WHERE that contact would

take place, and it would be on MY terms, NOT hers. She asked me, " Well how long

is it going to be? Years? " , to which I replied, " I don't know, Mom. I have 40

years of CRAP to deal with, and that doesn't get fixed overnight. " I added, " I'm

sorry that it's not all going by your timetable, but this is NOT about YOU, this

is about ME, and I'm going to take all the time that I need " . I reminded her

that she had a chance to go to family counseling with my brother and me, and

that it was HER decision to walk out on us in the middle of our first and only

session. She tried to justify her way out of it, but I interrupted her and kept

going. I told her that her actions made it very clear to brother and me that she

was not willing to do what it takes to have a healthy relationship with her

children. I ended with, " So from now on, I'm doing things MY way. For 44 years,

I didn't have a voice, but I have one now, and I'm asking you once again, to

please leave " . Then, I closed the door in the bitch's face.

> >

> > I was still shaking when I called my T. She told me she was proud of me

though. After 44 years of abuse, I finally stood up for myself. It feels good.

My only regret is that it happened when DD was around, but I didn't have any

control over that. Nada backed me into a corner. She was looking for a fight,

and I gave her one.

> >

> > After I calmed down a bit, I did have a talk with DD. I kept it very age

appropriate and short. I just explained to her that Nana is sick, and she never

really grew up on the inside, and that makes her treat people mean sometimes. I

told her that sometimes when grownups have disagreements, that they need time

away from each other so they can work things out. I told her that Nana did some

things that hurt mama and daddy and we decided it was best for us to not be

around her for a while. I assured her that we still love her, and Nana still

loves her and she did nothing wrong. I told her that me and daddy were trying to

find a way for her to spend some time with Nana, but that Nana needed to do her

part and get some help to learn how to treat people nicer before we could let

that happen. DD just sat there and listened and didn't say anything. I asked her

if she had any questions, and she said no. I'm second guessing myself now. I

hope I did the right thing by talking to her. I don't know how much she

understands. I know she is only 6, but she is very intelligent for her age. I

just know that when I was growing up, our family had so many secrets, and I was

so full of insecurity. I never want her to feel that way. I want our family to

be open and honest about our feelings.

> >

> > Wow, I know this seems to be rambling. I guess part of me is still trying to

reassure myself that I did the right thing. I talked to DH a little while ago,

and he told me he was proud of the way I handled it, and that the things I said

to her needed to be said. I know that I'm not responsible for her feelings, and

she brought this all on herself, but part of me feels sorry for her. I know she

will never understand, and I know that she is hurt. The last thing she said

before I shut the door was, " I will always love you, even if you hate my guts " .

She really is never going to get it, is she?

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks ya'll! I honestly don't know where the courage came from. Even my T said,

" Wow! Where did that woman come from? " I attribute it in part to my awesome,

kick ass T. She has helped me to find my truth and my voice. Like I mentioned,

just a week before this whole incident, I went to T's office on a Sunday

afternoon for a 2-hour, very intense anger therapy session. The session was

designed to help me get in touch with that rage that I buried so deep inside for

so long and then purge it and release it in a safe enviornment. It's actually

kind of ironic because during the session, I had a really hard time letting go

enough to allow myself to feel the anger. I felt like a failure when I left,

like I couldn't even do anger right. I think that's because I was never allowed

to express anger as a child. I was taught that anger is a very BAD thing, and to

express it, even a little bit to nada would result in severe punishment. So, as

so many of you other KO's, I learned how to stuff it all down inside. But, as we

know, it never really goes away.

Through therapy, and through reading books and posts on here, I learned that

anger is not always a bad thing. It's what you do with it, your actions, that

determine whether or not it is healthy or unhealthy. Sometimes anger can be a

motivating force pushing you to take action in the face of injustice or danger.

I think that's what happened to me on Saturday. Somehow, I was able to maintain

enough control to access that long-buried anger and harness that energy when I

needed it most to protect my family. That, and a healthy dose of " Mama Grizzly "

instincts! LOL!

I feel so much relief now, like a GIANT boulder has been lifted off of me. I did

have this little voice nagging me that it was wrong for me to feel good about

what I did, but that was nada's voice talking. " How could you do that to your

own mother? " I heard it say, so I answered it with " How could YOU do those

horrible things to your own daughter? "

My T and I have had much discussion about what I was going to do when the

inevitible happened and I had to confront nada. T told me I shouldn't waste too

much time or emotional energy worrying about it, that when the time came, I

would know what to do. She just reminded me to speak my truth, and I did.

Believe me, it was NOT easy. Like I said, I did everything in my power to avoid

it. I prayed that God would intervene and somehow change the circumstances so I

wouldn't have to go through with it. But, in the end, I feel it was something

that had to happen, and it couldn't have happened any other way. DH was right. I

needed to say those things. I needed to show her that she does NOT have the

right to invade the sanctuary of my home, and she sure as HELL doesn't have a

God-given right of unlimited access to MY daughter. Most of all, I needed to do

it to prove to myself that I could.

Thank you all for allowing me to share my story. I hope that in some small way,

it will encourage some of you fellow KO's to find your own truth and your

grown-up adult voice so when the time comes for you to face those demons, you

will conquer and be victorious. That is my prayer for all of you. YOU ALL ROCK!

> >

> > SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

> >

> > Reading this was like you wrote it about my nada (the only difference being

that I don't have a child). I basically said the same things to my nada, but in

an email. I admire your courage to say it to her face.

> >

> > How are you feeling now?

> >

> > K

> >

[Guest guest]

" Thank you all for allowing me to share my story. I hope that in some small way,

it will encourage some of you fellow KO's to find your own truth and your

grown-up adult voice "

Woo hooo!!!! Totally. I'm really proud of you.

> > >

> > > SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

> > >

> > > Reading this was like you wrote it about my nada (the only difference

being that I don't have a child). I basically said the same things to my nada,

but in an email. I admire your courage to say it to her face.

> > >

> > > How are you feeling now?

> > >

> > > K

> > >

>