sorry i can't rehearse because I have to stay up all night and lay SOD

[Guest guest]

Soooo - on friday I told someone I thought was a close friend no that I

couldn't do more volunteer work for her after donating 100 plus hours for

the third year in a row. WWIII broke out. And now I think she is not a

friend at all.

Then today.... I have a friend I have danced with for about 5 years. She

really encouraged me to start my dance company and was going to be involved

in it.

Well, she hasn't made it to rehearsal once. To be fair, I ended up booking

it not considering her schedule because she was unable to give me her

schedule and I got sick of waiting. Anyway, I made an appt with her outside

of rehearsal to teach her the dance. Then the rest of the class was going to

travel to her studio (in the extreme south part of the valley, i live in the

extreme north) and rehearse it with her once she knew it because her

schedule is really weird right now.

Well, she canceled the private appt w me to learn the dance.

Do you want to know why she canceled? Because she had to stay up all night

and lay sod. That's right people, lay sod!!!!

I have never before been around any dancer who would choose yardwork over

dancing. I also have never heard of laying sod at night before.

she also said that she couldn't lay the sod later because her neighbors

would steal it.

WHAT???

If that is a risk, why doesn't she back her soon to be ex husband's

landrover out of the garage and pile the sod in there at least until

daybreak?

I don't get it. And I feel like I just lost my 2 best friends. Because no,

I'm not going to reschedule. This was the one and only time that would work

with my schedule. And I'm not comfortable having her in the dance if she has

less than 2 weeks to practice - right now is week 3.

I'm kinda heartbroken right now. I had no idea my friends would react so

badly to my boundaries.

CRAP

Am I missing something here or is sod a euphemism for something else?

[Guest guest]

I think you are experiencing something that just happens when we change

ourselves to be more assertive and less like a doormat; there is likely to be a

changeover in our circle of friends. When we become more comfortable with

setting and enforcing personal boundaries, the friends we've developed because

they liked our people-pleasing ways will not like us so much any longer.

So, its something that you may experience again, and again, if you have a great

number of friends who grew to like you because you'd knock yourself out to

always accommodate their needs and their schedules, without expecting any

reciprocation.

Its like a climate change; or, its like moving to a new city: you will gradually

develop a new circle of friends who like you for who you are now, and who are

willing to reciprocate favors and accommodations back and forth, equally.

-Annie

>

> Soooo - on friday I told someone I thought was a close friend no that I

> couldn't do more volunteer work for her after donating 100 plus hours for

> the third year in a row. WWIII broke out. And now I think she is not a

> friend at all.

>

> Then today.... I have a friend I have danced with for about 5 years. She

> really encouraged me to start my dance company and was going to be involved

> in it.

>

> Well, she hasn't made it to rehearsal once. To be fair, I ended up booking

> it not considering her schedule because she was unable to give me her

> schedule and I got sick of waiting. Anyway, I made an appt with her outside

> of rehearsal to teach her the dance. Then the rest of the class was going to

> travel to her studio (in the extreme south part of the valley, i live in the

> extreme north) and rehearse it with her once she knew it because her

> schedule is really weird right now.

>

> Well, she canceled the private appt w me to learn the dance.

>

> Do you want to know why she canceled? Because she had to stay up all night

> and lay sod. That's right people, lay sod!!!!

>

> I have never before been around any dancer who would choose yardwork over

> dancing. I also have never heard of laying sod at night before.

>

> she also said that she couldn't lay the sod later because her neighbors

> would steal it.

>

> WHAT???

>

> If that is a risk, why doesn't she back her soon to be ex husband's

> landrover out of the garage and pile the sod in there at least until

> daybreak?

>

> I don't get it. And I feel like I just lost my 2 best friends. Because no,

> I'm not going to reschedule. This was the one and only time that would work

> with my schedule. And I'm not comfortable having her in the dance if she has

> less than 2 weeks to practice - right now is week 3.

>

> I'm kinda heartbroken right now. I had no idea my friends would react so

> badly to my boundaries.

>

> CRAP

>

> Am I missing something here or is sod a euphemism for something else?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Girlscout, I deleted my other post because after I read Annie's reply, I

realized she said exactly what I was trying to bumble through. We both are going

through this transition phase in which we are asserting our own identities and

independence as well as setting healthy boundaries for ourselves. We have

surrounded ourselves with people who are all too happy to break our boundaries

in the past, because that's what we are used to and in a perverse way, it's what

we are comfortable with. So we both have to make new friends, learn how to live

with our own healthy boundaries, and get away from being comfortable with

no-boundary living.

I totally get how you feel that everyone you know seems to want so much from you

all of a sudden. But if you think about it, they were probably always that way,

and it's only now that you notice it, because you won't take it anymore.

We'll get through this.

> >

> > Soooo - on friday I told someone I thought was a close friend no that I

> > couldn't do more volunteer work for her after donating 100 plus hours for

> > the third year in a row. WWIII broke out. And now I think she is not a

> > friend at all.

> >

> > Then today.... I have a friend I have danced with for about 5 years. She

> > really encouraged me to start my dance company and was going to be involved

> > in it.

> >

> > Well, she hasn't made it to rehearsal once. To be fair, I ended up booking

> > it not considering her schedule because she was unable to give me her

> > schedule and I got sick of waiting. Anyway, I made an appt with her outside

> > of rehearsal to teach her the dance. Then the rest of the class was going to

> > travel to her studio (in the extreme south part of the valley, i live in the

> > extreme north) and rehearse it with her once she knew it because her

> > schedule is really weird right now.

> >

> > Well, she canceled the private appt w me to learn the dance.

> >

> > Do you want to know why she canceled? Because she had to stay up all night

> > and lay sod. That's right people, lay sod!!!!

> >

> > I have never before been around any dancer who would choose yardwork over

> > dancing. I also have never heard of laying sod at night before.

> >

> > she also said that she couldn't lay the sod later because her neighbors

> > would steal it.

> >

> > WHAT???

> >

> > If that is a risk, why doesn't she back her soon to be ex husband's

> > landrover out of the garage and pile the sod in there at least until

> > daybreak?

> >

> > I don't get it. And I feel like I just lost my 2 best friends. Because no,

> > I'm not going to reschedule. This was the one and only time that would work

> > with my schedule. And I'm not comfortable having her in the dance if she has

> > less than 2 weeks to practice - right now is week 3.

> >

> > I'm kinda heartbroken right now. I had no idea my friends would react so

> > badly to my boundaries.

> >

> > CRAP

> >

> > Am I missing something here or is sod a euphemism for something else?

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I have no idea how to make friends who don't abuse and take advantage of

me!!! But that said, I was sitting in my studio boo hooing and warming up to

practice and stuff and guess what - - My favorite dance student showed up!!!

We had a rehearsal planned but changed the date and she showed anyway,

wanting to be sure she had her days straight!!! And the fact is, her face

was the perfect one for me to see right then.

So, I'm not gonna get my hopes up too much but, maybe just maybe I have one

friend who isn't there just to use and abuse me:)

Thanks guys

> **

>

>

> Girlscout, I deleted my other post because after I read Annie's reply, I

> realized she said exactly what I was trying to bumble through. We both are

> going through this transition phase in which we are asserting our own

> identities and independence as well as setting healthy boundaries for

> ourselves. We have surrounded ourselves with people who are all too happy to

> break our boundaries in the past, because that's what we are used to and in

> a perverse way, it's what we are comfortable with. So we both have to make

> new friends, learn how to live with our own healthy boundaries, and get away

> from being comfortable with no-boundary living.

>

> I totally get how you feel that everyone you know seems to want so much

> from you all of a sudden. But if you think about it, they were probably

> always that way, and it's only now that you notice it, because you won't

> take it anymore.

>

> We'll get through this.

>

>

>

>

>

> > >

> > > Soooo - on friday I told someone I thought was a close friend no that I

> > > couldn't do more volunteer work for her after donating 100 plus hours

> for

> > > the third year in a row. WWIII broke out. And now I think she is not a

> > > friend at all.

> > >

> > > Then today.... I have a friend I have danced with for about 5 years.

> She

> > > really encouraged me to start my dance company and was going to be

> involved

> > > in it.

> > >

> > > Well, she hasn't made it to rehearsal once. To be fair, I ended up

> booking

> > > it not considering her schedule because she was unable to give me her

> > > schedule and I got sick of waiting. Anyway, I made an appt with her

> outside

> > > of rehearsal to teach her the dance. Then the rest of the class was

> going to

> > > travel to her studio (in the extreme south part of the valley, i live

> in the

> > > extreme north) and rehearse it with her once she knew it because her

> > > schedule is really weird right now.

> > >

> > > Well, she canceled the private appt w me to learn the dance.

> > >

> > > Do you want to know why she canceled? Because she had to stay up all

> night

> > > and lay sod. That's right people, lay sod!!!!

> > >

> > > I have never before been around any dancer who would choose yardwork

> over

> > > dancing. I also have never heard of laying sod at night before.

> > >

> > > she also said that she couldn't lay the sod later because her neighbors

> > > would steal it.

> > >

> > > WHAT???

> > >

> > > If that is a risk, why doesn't she back her soon to be ex husband's

> > > landrover out of the garage and pile the sod in there at least until

> > > daybreak?

> > >

> > > I don't get it. And I feel like I just lost my 2 best friends. Because

> no,

> > > I'm not going to reschedule. This was the one and only time that would

> work

> > > with my schedule. And I'm not comfortable having her in the dance if

> she has

> > > less than 2 weeks to practice - right now is week 3.

> > >

> > > I'm kinda heartbroken right now. I had no idea my friends would react

> so

> > > badly to my boundaries.

> > >

> > > CRAP

> > >

> > > Am I missing something here or is sod a euphemism for something else?

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Great insight, Annie~

>

> I think you are experiencing something that just happens when we change

ourselves to be more assertive and less like a doormat; there is likely to be a

changeover in our circle of friends. When we become more comfortable with

setting and enforcing personal boundaries, the friends we've developed because

they liked our people-pleasing ways will not like us so much any longer.

>

[Guest guest]

GS,

I figured out a few months back that I have a 'style' when I first meet people

that projects a person who is not how I really am.

I really, really want to be liked and not rejected. So I speak softly, act

differential and don't voice my needs. I've allowed people to get agreements

(time/work) from me that I would not normally grant.

It isn't until months later, when I have been thoroughly taken advantage of,

that I start wondering why I didn't get a lasting friendship out of the deal.

For the first time, I am recognizing that this false projection of *me* at the

onset is probably my biggest problem. And that if I were less agreeable and more

honest from the get-go I could have had a different outcome.

So, not saying this is what you do, because how would I know? Just wanted to

pass on what came out of my head on the subject of friendships and mutual

expectations.

> > > >

> > > > Soooo - on friday I told someone I thought was a close friend no that I

> > > > couldn't do more volunteer work for her after donating 100 plus hours

> > for

> > > > the third year in a row. WWIII broke out. And now I think she is not a

> > > > friend at all.

> > > >

> > > > Then today.... I have a friend I have danced with for about 5 years.

> > She

> > > > really encouraged me to start my dance company and was going to be

> > involved

> > > > in it.

> > > >

> > > > Well, she hasn't made it to rehearsal once. To be fair, I ended up

> > booking

> > > > it not considering her schedule because she was unable to give me her

> > > > schedule and I got sick of waiting. Anyway, I made an appt with her

> > outside

> > > > of rehearsal to teach her the dance. Then the rest of the class was

> > going to

> > > > travel to her studio (in the extreme south part of the valley, i live

> > in the

> > > > extreme north) and rehearse it with her once she knew it because her

> > > > schedule is really weird right now.

> > > >

> > > > Well, she canceled the private appt w me to learn the dance.

> > > >

> > > > Do you want to know why she canceled? Because she had to stay up all

> > night

> > > > and lay sod. That's right people, lay sod!!!!

> > > >

> > > > I have never before been around any dancer who would choose yardwork

> > over

> > > > dancing. I also have never heard of laying sod at night before.

> > > >

> > > > she also said that she couldn't lay the sod later because her neighbors

> > > > would steal it.

> > > >

> > > > WHAT???

> > > >

> > > > If that is a risk, why doesn't she back her soon to be ex husband's

> > > > landrover out of the garage and pile the sod in there at least until

> > > > daybreak?

> > > >

> > > > I don't get it. And I feel like I just lost my 2 best friends. Because

> > no,

> > > > I'm not going to reschedule. This was the one and only time that would

> > work

> > > > with my schedule. And I'm not comfortable having her in the dance if

> > she has

> > > > less than 2 weeks to practice - right now is week 3.

> > > >

> > > > I'm kinda heartbroken right now. I had no idea my friends would react

> > so

> > > > badly to my boundaries.

> > > >

> > > > CRAP

> > > >

> > > > Am I missing something here or is sod a euphemism for something else?

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

(((GS))) Ugh, that stinks. you just don't know how people will react to

boundaries, ESP people that are used to you not having any.

I hope everything works out with them, maybe if you have a heart to heart with

each of them.

>

> Soooo - on friday I told someone I thought was a close friend no that I

> couldn't do more volunteer work for her after donating 100 plus hours for

> the third year in a row. WWIII broke out. And now I think she is not a

> friend at all.

>

> Then today.... I have a friend I have danced with for about 5 years. She

> really encouraged me to start my dance company and was going to be involved

> in it.

>

> Well, she hasn't made it to rehearsal once. To be fair, I ended up booking

> it not considering her schedule because she was unable to give me her

> schedule and I got sick of waiting. Anyway, I made an appt with her outside

> of rehearsal to teach her the dance. Then the rest of the class was going to

> travel to her studio (in the extreme south part of the valley, i live in the

> extreme north) and rehearse it with her once she knew it because her

> schedule is really weird right now.

>

> Well, she canceled the private appt w me to learn the dance.

>

> Do you want to know why she canceled? Because she had to stay up all night

> and lay sod. That's right people, lay sod!!!!

>

> I have never before been around any dancer who would choose yardwork over

> dancing. I also have never heard of laying sod at night before.

>

> she also said that she couldn't lay the sod later because her neighbors

> would steal it.

>

> WHAT???

>

> If that is a risk, why doesn't she back her soon to be ex husband's

> landrover out of the garage and pile the sod in there at least until

> daybreak?

>

> I don't get it. And I feel like I just lost my 2 best friends. Because no,

> I'm not going to reschedule. This was the one and only time that would work

> with my schedule. And I'm not comfortable having her in the dance if she has

> less than 2 weeks to practice - right now is week 3.

>

> I'm kinda heartbroken right now. I had no idea my friends would react so

> badly to my boundaries.

>

> CRAP

>

> Am I missing something here or is sod a euphemism for something else?

>

>

>