Re: don't know how to deal with anger

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Have you spoken with a therapist about any of this yet? These are all things

that a counselor would be wonderful help with, and you're right, they are

overwhelming when you're on your own with them. I hear a lot of pain and fear

in your " voice " here, and I completely empathize with it. It sounds like your

fada (BPD father) is an extremely manipulative person, who has often made you

question your thoughts and beliefs, with his behavior and statements. You do

need some relief from the intensity of his need to control you completely by

being charming and seductive at some times, critical and raging at others.

Maintaining distance and having no contact are likely the safest things for you

to do for yourself now, apart from finding a counselor. Look for a counselor

who you like (perhaps outside of the NHS?), and feel safe confiding in, and then

hang in there. It gets better, I promise.

All my best,

annafelicity

>

> Hi, I feel little panicky often because I have so much anger, guilt an fear

> about things a lot of the time and I just can't think how to process it. It

> feels like I'll have it with me all my life and it's making me feel almost

> claustrophobic. I feel so much outrage at the fact that mt bpd father, who was

> supposed to be my parent and look after me actually caused me most of the

> suffering that I've been through in my life so far and I find it both hard to

> believe it and feel suffocatingly angry.

> Another thing that bothers me is how emotionally close I feel towards him. I

> have been no contact for a while but I feel that there is such a thin divide

> between who he is and who I am. I am at home just now because I want to be

with

> my mum and other family and because I've not been in good health and I am

often

> trying to keep from the edge of panic because I feel like it would take so

> little for him to be able to reach inside me emotionally somehow and control

me.

> I guess this is because I've been so close and controlled by him in the past.

I

> feel like I have to keep fighting so's not to become his siamese twin. If I go

> near him or hear his voice or hear him breath or even see a piece of his

> clothing I get this sort sort of shudder inside and I get scared that even

that

> little contact will let him get a hold of me and then I won't belong to myself

> any more.

> I also hear his voice in my head a lot. When I'm trying to work something out

> his voice will come in my head advising me and judging me.

> You know it's when he's in his dr. jeckyl moods that I have the worst horror

of

> him because at least when he's acting crazy I can be sure that I can keep NC

> with him but when he's acting all charming I feel almost unbearably guilty and

> like it's all my fault and it's me who's crazy.

> My mum says I should stop obsessing about what's happenened and get on with

the

> present but the thing is I was in denial about so much stuff for so many years

I

> feel that although I'm not in denial

> any more I still can't quite emotionally comprehend it all or know how to deal

> with it.

> I read the book Toxic Parents and it suggested that you deal with the anger

you

> havn't expessed in the past by just hitting pillows etc. I've done this and it

> has helped a little but I get this weird thing that when I've done it for a

few

> days my body almost seems to go into shock and I feel really unwell for a day

or

> two.

> I just don't feel well a lot of the time. I feel stressed and anxious a lot

and

> I dont have much feeling of wellbeing ever. I just haven't felt well in myself

> really since I was a child (I was 10 when my bpd father's mental state got a

lot

> worse)and I feel worried that I never will feel well. I guess i cope ok mostly

> but it takes so little for me to feel that I am so tired of life I can't bear

> it. It's not that I'm suicidal, I guess I just feel often that life's taken so

> much out of me so far that I can't seem to summon up a lot of enthusiasm for

the

> rest of it. I feel really really emotionally worn out.

> I'm constantly trying to deal with so much insecurity and guilt and self doubt

> and you know the thing I'm most scare of is myself and my own emotions. I just

> can't seem to learn to trust myself again.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yep! Sounds like I feel much of the time. Sounds like your bpd father did to

you as my bpd mother did to me...use you as a surrogate self. Completely try to

enmesh themselves with someone else's identity. And you are the person of

choice. Be it for whatever reason...perhaps you were the youngest, or most

vulnerable, or kindest child. Yet, at the same time they are completely

emotionally violating you, they seem to have a helpless side that keeps you in

a feeling of guilt for not wanting to allow it. And you are always on pins and

needles for what's next. You can't please them, because you are NOT THEM! And

they will not accept you as you are...a distinctly different person. You have

your own right to your own needs, feelings, beliefs and choices. Borderlines

try to encompass every choice you make...Really you don't have to choose what

they want to eat at a restaurant. But, they harass you so much that you finally

just eat what they eat, wear what they want you to wear and live the life they

want you to live for them. You give up yourself. Because, they make it so

damn hard and so wrong to be who you are...a separate person. I'm in my

forties and still have a hard time believing that I have a right to my life the

way I choose it. And I have a right to good things in it. Someone said to me

the other day, " Laurie you don't have to ask permission to do anything you want

to do! You are an adult! " It forced me to step back and take a look at how I'd

been trained to live my life...always asking permission. Always, trying to

please and placate. I was really grateful that she said that to me.

These are the reasons it is so hard for some of us to pull away from a

borderline. They have us cornered! You have a right to be your own person, eat

your own choice of food, wear anything you want to and live! So do I.

>

> Hi, I feel little panicky often because I have so much anger, guilt an fear

> about things a lot of the time and I just can't think how to process it. It

> feels like I'll have it with me all my life and it's making me feel almost

> claustrophobic. I feel so much outrage at the fact that mt bpd father, who was

> supposed to be my parent and look after me actually caused me most of the

> suffering that I've been through in my life so far and I find it both hard to

> believe it and feel suffocatingly angry.

> Another thing that bothers me is how emotionally close I feel towards him. I

> have been no contact for a while but I feel that there is such a thin divide

> between who he is and who I am. I am at home just now because I want to be

with

> my mum and other family and because I've not been in good health and I am

often

> trying to keep from the edge of panic because I feel like it would take so

> little for him to be able to reach inside me emotionally somehow and control

me.

> I guess this is because I've been so close and controlled by him in the past.

I

> feel like I have to keep fighting so's not to become his siamese twin. If I go

> near him or hear his voice or hear him breath or even see a piece of his

> clothing I get this sort sort of shudder inside and I get scared that even

that

> little contact will let him get a hold of me and then I won't belong to myself

> any more.

> I also hear his voice in my head a lot. When I'm trying to work something out

> his voice will come in my head advising me and judging me.

> You know it's when he's in his dr. jeckyl moods that I have the worst horror

of

> him because at least when he's acting crazy I can be sure that I can keep NC

> with him but when he's acting all charming I feel almost unbearably guilty and

> like it's all my fault and it's me who's crazy.

> My mum says I should stop obsessing about what's happenened and get on with

the

> present but the thing is I was in denial about so much stuff for so many years

I

> feel that although I'm not in denial

> any more I still can't quite emotionally comprehend it all or know how to deal

> with it.

> I read the book Toxic Parents and it suggested that you deal with the anger

you

> havn't expessed in the past by just hitting pillows etc. I've done this and it

> has helped a little but I get this weird thing that when I've done it for a

few

> days my body almost seems to go into shock and I feel really unwell for a day

or

> two.

> I just don't feel well a lot of the time. I feel stressed and anxious a lot

and

> I dont have much feeling of wellbeing ever. I just haven't felt well in myself

> really since I was a child (I was 10 when my bpd father's mental state got a

lot

> worse)and I feel worried that I never will feel well. I guess i cope ok mostly

> but it takes so little for me to feel that I am so tired of life I can't bear

> it. It's not that I'm suicidal, I guess I just feel often that life's taken so

> much out of me so far that I can't seem to summon up a lot of enthusiasm for

the

> rest of it. I feel really really emotionally worn out.

> I'm constantly trying to deal with so much insecurity and guilt and self doubt

> and you know the thing I'm most scare of is myself and my own emotions. I just

> can't seem to learn to trust myself again.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, there is so much in your post that I relate to. Basically, anytime we

tried to live, our BP parent would punish us. The BP parent envies the child

for their ability to be themselves and the see it as something bad. So they do

everything they can to stop you from being you and expect you to act more adult

like. A child is a child, not an adult, and he or she needs to be a child when

they are a child, not an adult. So, as children, we are punished for being what

we are supposed to be and made to act " mature. "

The result is depression; the inability to enjoy life. I still struggle with

this. I am not suicidal either, but I resent having to live much of the time.

I wish for death, but I would never kill myself or put myself in harms way.

Sometimes I wonder if this will ever change. I have been this way my whole

life. It is very hard for me to wake up in the morning, because I hate living.

I wish I could just sleep until I die, but then the world calls to me and I

finally get out of bed. I hate mornings.

But then at night I find it hard to go to bed. I feel safe at night, so I like

staying up late. Everyone is asleep at night, so I feel safe. I do not feel

safe in the morning, thus I feel dread, because the world around me is awake.

This is depression and it is something I have to live with. I don't think it

will ever go away completely, but it does get better as time goes by, as long as

I keep working hard to strength my identity and make good choices for my own

well-being.

, it will probably never go away completely, but you can learn ways to deal

with it and it can get better. It requires therapy. I know I am a broken

record about this, but I have tried many things to be happy and therapy is the

only thing that made a true difference in my life. I still struggle with

depression, but I am no longer controlled by it. Therapy helped me take back

control of my life, but the depression is still there. I don't know if that

makes any sense.

>

> Hi, I feel little panicky often because I have so much anger, guilt an fear

> about things a lot of the time and I just can't think how to process it. It

> feels like I'll have it with me all my life and it's making me feel almost

> claustrophobic. I feel so much outrage at the fact that mt bpd father, who was

> supposed to be my parent and look after me actually caused me most of the

> suffering that I've been through in my life so far and I find it both hard to

> believe it and feel suffocatingly angry.

> Another thing that bothers me is how emotionally close I feel towards him. I

> have been no contact for a while but I feel that there is such a thin divide

> between who he is and who I am. I am at home just now because I want to be

with

> my mum and other family and because I've not been in good health and I am

often

> trying to keep from the edge of panic because I feel like it would take so

> little for him to be able to reach inside me emotionally somehow and control

me.

> I guess this is because I've been so close and controlled by him in the past.

I

> feel like I have to keep fighting so's not to become his siamese twin. If I go

> near him or hear his voice or hear him breath or even see a piece of his

> clothing I get this sort sort of shudder inside and I get scared that even

that

> little contact will let him get a hold of me and then I won't belong to myself

> any more.

> I also hear his voice in my head a lot. When I'm trying to work something out

> his voice will come in my head advising me and judging me.

> You know it's when he's in his dr. jeckyl moods that I have the worst horror

of

> him because at least when he's acting crazy I can be sure that I can keep NC

> with him but when he's acting all charming I feel almost unbearably guilty and

> like it's all my fault and it's me who's crazy.

> My mum says I should stop obsessing about what's happenened and get on with

the

> present but the thing is I was in denial about so much stuff for so many years

I

> feel that although I'm not in denial

> any more I still can't quite emotionally comprehend it all or know how to deal

> with it.

> I read the book Toxic Parents and it suggested that you deal with the anger

you

> havn't expessed in the past by just hitting pillows etc. I've done this and it

> has helped a little but I get this weird thing that when I've done it for a

few

> days my body almost seems to go into shock and I feel really unwell for a day

or

> two.

> I just don't feel well a lot of the time. I feel stressed and anxious a lot

and

> I dont have much feeling of wellbeing ever. I just haven't felt well in myself

> really since I was a child (I was 10 when my bpd father's mental state got a

lot

> worse)and I feel worried that I never will feel well. I guess i cope ok mostly

> but it takes so little for me to feel that I am so tired of life I can't bear

> it. It's not that I'm suicidal, I guess I just feel often that life's taken so

> much out of me so far that I can't seem to summon up a lot of enthusiasm for

the

> rest of it. I feel really really emotionally worn out.

> I'm constantly trying to deal with so much insecurity and guilt and self doubt

> and you know the thing I'm most scare of is myself and my own emotions. I just

> can't seem to learn to trust myself again.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

and Floykoe,

Since I've came back home from school for the summer I've been feeling many of

the negative anger emotions you've described. I know I have a lot of pent up

emotions and anger towards my childhood and towards my parents, feelings that

are suppressed far with in me and I feel the energy of it every day. Yet I

really don't want to because I just don't believe in feeling angry about the

past, it was what it was and I've learned things that most don't and for that I

am truly grateful. Yet, I don't feel as capable of enjoying life as most because

now that I'm free I don't know what to do about it.

I feel like many of the interests I have in life are because of the things I

went through with my family. I always want to learn more about psychological and

sociological things. I am passionate about these type of topics but at the same

time, I'm like why do I have to think about these things all the time? I could

be better at something else than dealing with others problems. I'm hoping as I'm

living further away from my family and developing my own life this will change

and I may develop interests in other less serious and emotional affecting

things.

Lately I notice my anger coming out at random times when someone upsets me not

just my nada, I'll slam doors, yell, or throw some thing to get it out in that

moment but I don't feel like this makes me feel any better. In the past, the

best way I'd get my anger out is through writing but my mind seems to have shut

me off in that way which is sad to me but I'm just not as connected with my

inner voice as I used to be and I hope this will change.

So the best way I deal with my stress now is by working out. Even though all my

feelings still exist, at least the energy from those feelings is being released

and I'm proud of my self when I have worked out. That's the best advice I can

give, if you don't already work out much then just start and it gets easier and

easier and more enjoyable as you do. Just anything that has to do with moving

can make you feel better about your anger. Going on a walk when your stressed or

doing yoga. I wish my nada would be more active because when she was younger she

was very active and I think this helped her cope with her emotions better.

She'll never do anything now though.

I started seeing a counselor when I was in school. I think it helped me release

a lot of my pent up emotions because I was finally given a chance to cry about

things and reveal that part of my self that is just berried by more emotion and

memories. It was weird though when I'd be like having a nice day and then I'd

start talking and get really upset again but I needed it.

I definitely understand what your describing about the night and about sleeping.

Ever since I've been back from school, I've been going to bed super late because

I feel most relaxed but waking up really late because I don't really want my day

to start again. Once I move away for school again I know my pattern will change.

Its amazing what being in a different environment can do for you, you become a

new person. Your own person. Being away from our bpd families, is like a journey

of finding ourselves without them. A relieving and eye opening journey really.

Namaste

Cammisha

> >

> > Hi, I feel little panicky often because I have so much anger, guilt an fear

> > about things a lot of the time and I just can't think how to process it. It

> > feels like I'll have it with me all my life and it's making me feel almost

> > claustrophobic. I feel so much outrage at the fact that mt bpd father, who

was

> > supposed to be my parent and look after me actually caused me most of the

> > suffering that I've been through in my life so far and I find it both hard

to

> > believe it and feel suffocatingly angry.

> > Another thing that bothers me is how emotionally close I feel towards him. I

> > have been no contact for a while but I feel that there is such a thin divide

> > between who he is and who I am. I am at home just now because I want to be

with

> > my mum and other family and because I've not been in good health and I am

often

> > trying to keep from the edge of panic because I feel like it would take so

> > little for him to be able to reach inside me emotionally somehow and control

me.

> > I guess this is because I've been so close and controlled by him in the

past. I

> > feel like I have to keep fighting so's not to become his siamese twin. If I

go

> > near him or hear his voice or hear him breath or even see a piece of his

> > clothing I get this sort sort of shudder inside and I get scared that even

that

> > little contact will let him get a hold of me and then I won't belong to

myself

> > any more.

> > I also hear his voice in my head a lot. When I'm trying to work something

out

> > his voice will come in my head advising me and judging me.

> > You know it's when he's in his dr. jeckyl moods that I have the worst horror

of

> > him because at least when he's acting crazy I can be sure that I can keep NC

> > with him but when he's acting all charming I feel almost unbearably guilty

and

> > like it's all my fault and it's me who's crazy.

> > My mum says I should stop obsessing about what's happenened and get on with

the

> > present but the thing is I was in denial about so much stuff for so many

years I

> > feel that although I'm not in denial

> > any more I still can't quite emotionally comprehend it all or know how to

deal

> > with it.

> > I read the book Toxic Parents and it suggested that you deal with the anger

you

> > havn't expessed in the past by just hitting pillows etc. I've done this and

it

> > has helped a little but I get this weird thing that when I've done it for a

few

> > days my body almost seems to go into shock and I feel really unwell for a

day or

> > two.

> > I just don't feel well a lot of the time. I feel stressed and anxious a lot

and

> > I dont have much feeling of wellbeing ever. I just haven't felt well in

myself

> > really since I was a child (I was 10 when my bpd father's mental state got a

lot

> > worse)and I feel worried that I never will feel well. I guess i cope ok

mostly

> > but it takes so little for me to feel that I am so tired of life I can't

bear

> > it. It's not that I'm suicidal, I guess I just feel often that life's taken

so

> > much out of me so far that I can't seem to summon up a lot of enthusiasm for

the

> > rest of it. I feel really really emotionally worn out.

> > I'm constantly trying to deal with so much insecurity and guilt and self

doubt

> > and you know the thing I'm most scare of is myself and my own emotions. I

just

> > can't seem to learn to trust myself again.

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I think it is great that you were seeing a counselor at school and have focused

your emotions on excercising, and when you can writing. These are such positive

ways for you to go. It is my opinion that since you are letting yourself process

and feel your feelings and getting them out, eventually you will think about

them less and be able to move forward in your other focuses. Once we have

processed, mourned and let go of some things we can move forward. I am very

proud of you.

> > >

> > > Hi, I feel little panicky often because I have so much anger, guilt an

fear

> > > about things a lot of the time and I just can't think how to process it.

It

> > > feels like I'll have it with me all my life and it's making me feel almost

> > > claustrophobic. I feel so much outrage at the fact that mt bpd father, who

was

> > > supposed to be my parent and look after me actually caused me most of the

> > > suffering that I've been through in my life so far and I find it both hard

to

> > > believe it and feel suffocatingly angry.

> > > Another thing that bothers me is how emotionally close I feel towards him.

I

> > > have been no contact for a while but I feel that there is such a thin

divide

> > > between who he is and who I am. I am at home just now because I want to be

with

> > > my mum and other family and because I've not been in good health and I am

often

> > > trying to keep from the edge of panic because I feel like it would take so

> > > little for him to be able to reach inside me emotionally somehow and

control me.

> > > I guess this is because I've been so close and controlled by him in the

past. I

> > > feel like I have to keep fighting so's not to become his siamese twin. If

I go

> > > near him or hear his voice or hear him breath or even see a piece of his

> > > clothing I get this sort sort of shudder inside and I get scared that even

that

> > > little contact will let him get a hold of me and then I won't belong to

myself

> > > any more.

> > > I also hear his voice in my head a lot. When I'm trying to work something

out

> > > his voice will come in my head advising me and judging me.

> > > You know it's when he's in his dr. jeckyl moods that I have the worst

horror of

> > > him because at least when he's acting crazy I can be sure that I can keep

NC

> > > with him but when he's acting all charming I feel almost unbearably guilty

and

> > > like it's all my fault and it's me who's crazy.

> > > My mum says I should stop obsessing about what's happenened and get on

with the

> > > present but the thing is I was in denial about so much stuff for so many

years I

> > > feel that although I'm not in denial

> > > any more I still can't quite emotionally comprehend it all or know how to

deal

> > > with it.

> > > I read the book Toxic Parents and it suggested that you deal with the

anger you

> > > havn't expessed in the past by just hitting pillows etc. I've done this

and it

> > > has helped a little but I get this weird thing that when I've done it for

a few

> > > days my body almost seems to go into shock and I feel really unwell for a

day or

> > > two.

> > > I just don't feel well a lot of the time. I feel stressed and anxious a

lot and

> > > I dont have much feeling of wellbeing ever. I just haven't felt well in

myself

> > > really since I was a child (I was 10 when my bpd father's mental state got

a lot

> > > worse)and I feel worried that I never will feel well. I guess i cope ok

mostly

> > > but it takes so little for me to feel that I am so tired of life I can't

bear

> > > it. It's not that I'm suicidal, I guess I just feel often that life's

taken so

> > > much out of me so far that I can't seem to summon up a lot of enthusiasm

for the

> > > rest of it. I feel really really emotionally worn out.

> > > I'm constantly trying to deal with so much insecurity and guilt and self

doubt

> > > and you know the thing I'm most scare of is myself and my own emotions. I

just

> > > can't seem to learn to trust myself again.

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much. That's always a really nice thing to hear for a person like

me.

> > > >

> > > > Hi, I feel little panicky often because I have so much anger, guilt an

fear

> > > > about things a lot of the time and I just can't think how to process it.

It

> > > > feels like I'll have it with me all my life and it's making me feel

almost

> > > > claustrophobic. I feel so much outrage at the fact that mt bpd father,

who was

> > > > supposed to be my parent and look after me actually caused me most of

the

> > > > suffering that I've been through in my life so far and I find it both

hard to

> > > > believe it and feel suffocatingly angry.

> > > > Another thing that bothers me is how emotionally close I feel towards

him. I

> > > > have been no contact for a while but I feel that there is such a thin

divide

> > > > between who he is and who I am. I am at home just now because I want to

be with

> > > > my mum and other family and because I've not been in good health and I

am often

> > > > trying to keep from the edge of panic because I feel like it would take

so

> > > > little for him to be able to reach inside me emotionally somehow and

control me.

> > > > I guess this is because I've been so close and controlled by him in the

past. I

> > > > feel like I have to keep fighting so's not to become his siamese twin.

If I go

> > > > near him or hear his voice or hear him breath or even see a piece of his

> > > > clothing I get this sort sort of shudder inside and I get scared that

even that

> > > > little contact will let him get a hold of me and then I won't belong to

myself

> > > > any more.

> > > > I also hear his voice in my head a lot. When I'm trying to work

something out

> > > > his voice will come in my head advising me and judging me.

> > > > You know it's when he's in his dr. jeckyl moods that I have the worst

horror of

> > > > him because at least when he's acting crazy I can be sure that I can

keep NC

> > > > with him but when he's acting all charming I feel almost unbearably

guilty and

> > > > like it's all my fault and it's me who's crazy.

> > > > My mum says I should stop obsessing about what's happenened and get on

with the

> > > > present but the thing is I was in denial about so much stuff for so many

years I

> > > > feel that although I'm not in denial

> > > > any more I still can't quite emotionally comprehend it all or know how

to deal

> > > > with it.

> > > > I read the book Toxic Parents and it suggested that you deal with the

anger you

> > > > havn't expessed in the past by just hitting pillows etc. I've done this

and it

> > > > has helped a little but I get this weird thing that when I've done it

for a few

> > > > days my body almost seems to go into shock and I feel really unwell for

a day or

> > > > two.

> > > > I just don't feel well a lot of the time. I feel stressed and anxious a

lot and

> > > > I dont have much feeling of wellbeing ever. I just haven't felt well in

myself

> > > > really since I was a child (I was 10 when my bpd father's mental state

got a lot

> > > > worse)and I feel worried that I never will feel well. I guess i cope ok

mostly

> > > > but it takes so little for me to feel that I am so tired of life I can't

bear

> > > > it. It's not that I'm suicidal, I guess I just feel often that life's

taken so

> > > > much out of me so far that I can't seem to summon up a lot of enthusiasm

for the

> > > > rest of it. I feel really really emotionally worn out.

> > > > I'm constantly trying to deal with so much insecurity and guilt and self

doubt

> > > > and you know the thing I'm most scare of is myself and my own emotions.

I just

> > > > can't seem to learn to trust myself again.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

namaste, I remember wanting to be angry, like you describe. I never felt safe

enough. I still don't, but I was very angry inside and I still am a little.

I college my favorite subject was sociology, but I didn't see how that would

turn into anything, so I got a major in both psychology and communication.

Anger was a weird force for me; it drove me. Then I crashed and stated doing

mental health services. I got on some meds that did wonderful things and

started group therapy. As my anger dissipated, my drive left me me. This

became a big problem in college; I couldn't pass a class to save my life. I was

a straight " A " student before this crash. I quit drinking and smoking too and

that made things even worse. For the first time in my life I was doing things

right, but everything was going so wrong. I failed every class for two

consecutive terms. Lucky, my mental health team got the college to expunge

those terms from my transcript. I had to learn how to live without my anger; it

was the only thing keeping me going.

I still have trouble expressing my anger. I think it would be healthy for me to

slam a door every once in a while. I am a lot better at being assertive though.

I can't be me unless I speak my mind.

After college (yes, I finally graduated) I decided to pursue individual therapy.

Again, things went from bad to worse. The first 3 month of therapy was spend

crying. Sometimes I had to breath with a bag over my mouth to prevent

hyperventilation. I was a wreck. Then my therapy grant ran out. The problem

was that the Pandora's box had just been opened and all kinds of evil was coming

out. I was falling to pieces.

I am slowly climbing my way out of this hole of despair. I have faith that if I

continue making steps in the right direction, that things will continue to get

better, little by little. For me, it is taking a long time.

However, I have to say that if I died tonight, I would die a happy man.

Everything from this point forward is icing on the cake. I am finally moving

forward and I can see a faint light at the end of the tunnel.

> >

> > , there is so much in your post that I relate to. Basically, anytime we

tried to live, our BP parent would punish us. The BP parent envies the child

for their ability to be themselves and the see it as something bad. So they do

everything they can to stop you from being you and expect you to act more adult

like. A child is a child, not an adult, and he or she needs to be a child when

they are a child, not an adult. So, as children, we are punished for being what

we are supposed to be and made to act " mature. "

> >

> > The result is depression; the inability to enjoy life. I still struggle

with this. I am not suicidal either, but I resent having to live much of the

time. I wish for death, but I would never kill myself or put myself in harms

way.

> >

> > Sometimes I wonder if this will ever change. I have been this way my whole

life. It is very hard for me to wake up in the morning, because I hate living.

I wish I could just sleep until I die, but then the world calls to me and I

finally get out of bed. I hate mornings.

> >

> > But then at night I find it hard to go to bed. I feel safe at night, so I

like staying up late. Everyone is asleep at night, so I feel safe. I do not

feel safe in the morning, thus I feel dread, because the world around me is

awake.

> >

> > This is depression and it is something I have to live with. I don't think

it will ever go away completely, but it does get better as time goes by, as long

as I keep working hard to strength my identity and make good choices for my own

well-being.

> >

> > , it will probably never go away completely, but you can learn ways to

deal with it and it can get better. It requires therapy. I know I am a broken

record about this, but I have tried many things to be happy and therapy is the

only thing that made a true difference in my life. I still struggle with

depression, but I am no longer controlled by it. Therapy helped me take back

control of my life, but the depression is still there. I don't know if that

makes any sense.