Re: Play the Part?--With Translation

[Guest guest]

To both Annies, thank you for expressing appreciation of my post on this topic.

It was really just off the cuff, quickly written--but now that I think of it, I

am reminded that personal integrity is really the key to everything. This is

based on my studies of Buddhist ethics via the Dalai Lama (and Annie2011, I too

am a recovering Catholic). If you truly believe that you are doing the right

thing, 100%, it can give you strength to live through any experience.

Annie2011, sometimes I do 'translations' when people post nada emails. I'll

take a crack at yours below. I know you've just begun to process this all so I

hope it helps. Read for injected quotes!

>

Annie11, remember always that nadas do not speak the same language as we do.

They only ever communicate for a reason, and it's NOT to express the meaning of

the words they are saying. They also are capable of believing, and trying to

make you believe, two opposite truths at once. (Especially Catholic nadas).

With that in mind, read below:

> From an email I got from my mom recently:

>

> " I know you don't enjoy the company of our family. "

--What your nada knows, in some level of her subconscious, is that you do not

enjoy *her company, because she abuses you. She is trying to turn that around

and deny it to herself. She is trying to say you've abandoned her WHOLE family,

not just her, because she thinks this protects her somehow. She is trying to

'split you black' in front of all of them because she is furious with you for

actually experiencing the harm she has caused you. She is also so terrified of

abandonment that she is trying to pre-empt the issue and get control of it, by

telling you you've abandoned, though you've not yet already. So in a way, she

is trying to admit she knows she's done wrong, because she knows it's going to

happen. It is all very complicated. Remember that you love your family and

they all know it, and if they choose to believe or stay in touch with nada at

your expense, they will know what they're doing.

" You made it clear while you were here that you were only here to see your

cousin and she was the only one you would miss. "

Nadas believe there is only a finite amount of love and affection in the world.

They also cannot see their children as separate living beings from themselves.

If your nada expressed affection for one family member, it would mean she hated

all the others at that point. She is assuming you are exactly the same. She

has seen you express some form of legitimate affection for your cousin (or,

thought she has), and so she is experiencing this as hate and abandonment of

herself. She is trying to let you know, that she *knows, in order (againg) to

try and pre-empt the 'pain', predict it, get control of the situation.

" That was very tough on me because all of us including x, y and z knocked

ourselves out to make things nice for your family. "

Nadas do not, at their core, belive that they have a right to feel what they

feel and demand what they need. (Unfortunately this is actually true because

mostly what they 'need' is to harm, molest, and exploit their own children and

others who are vulnerable to them.) Because of this, when they express a

feeling or wish, they often try to validate it by claiming it is the

wish/feeling of OTHER people. Your nada is the one upset. Not the others.

And by the way, she didn't knock herself out to try and be nice. What she did

was, knock herself out to do something really cruel and disrespectful to you, so

that she could get her rise out of harming you, and then at the SAME time, she

tried to *mask that, to herself and others, by doing all kinds of other

supposedly 'good' things. This is the classic paradigm of nada abuse. They are

compelled to harm their kids in some kind of theme way, and they get a rise from

it, but at the same time they HAVE to deny that too themselves, so it's always

accompanied by some grandiose form of 'help' or gifting too. You called nada on

this and that's why she's so freaked out.

" We literally worked for a couple of months cleaning and planning. "

The first time I saw you after you arrived was at the Chinese restaurant and

when I asked you how things were at your brother's house knowing how much effort

we all put in and expecting you to say something nice, your response was a sour

expression and you waving your hand back and forth and saying " Ehh " and telling

me about the toilet seat. "

This is the same as what I explained above. Without knowing it, you hit your

head on what nada was ACTUALLY trying to do. (Harm/insult/disrespect you, and

mask it.) She could NOT handle it. Also, with your particular nada there may

be some theme with the excretory tract or system that makes her particularly

sensitive to this. Nadas, in general, though, are CRUDE. She will fixate on

the personal bodily functions as the main part of the story. Nadas also attract

dirt, dust, chaos and dirty insects, even if their homes are squeaky clean.

It's a cluster B thing.

" I know you later expressed appreciation overall but it has bothered me that you

set a tone from the beginning to let me know not to think too well of what we

had done to get ready because it was inadequate. " "

She is twisting around what happened to try to guilt you for actually calling

her on what she did. She can NOT face what she did. KOs are not allowed to say

anything whatsoever to nadas that might imply the actual truth of the abuse. In

this case, by the way, the abuse is nada not perceiving you as another person

with real needs, and instead manipulating you, by threat of unbearable

repurcussion, to stay with HER, even though you wanted to stay in a hotel. And

though you're new at this Annie11, I'm pretty sure that your nada also did a

great deal of whatever her theme-abuse of you is while you were there (tried to

make you eat stuff you didn't want, tried to make you feel your husband was

awful and he was going to ditch you...or whatever it is your nada gets a rise

out of doing to you.)

I know this is a lot to take in as you get started--but I hope it is helpful. I

hope you've ordered your Understanding the Borderline Mother and your Trauma and

Recovery, as well--and for a Massage therapist, I think there's one called The

Body Remembers that you might find helpful. Disclaimer--I'm not a therapist,

just a lay person who loves to share opinions that may or may not be

scientifically sustainable!

Good good luck,

Charlie

>

> So here's my side of the story:

>

> I planned this trip to go to my high school reunion. I wanted to stay in a

hotel, but my mother insisted I stay at my brother's. She sent housekeepers

over there twice, bought new furniture, and insisted on buying food that I said

I didn't want. When I arrived, there were feces on the toilet seat that I had

to clean off. So when she asked me if there were any problems, I said

everything was ok except that I had to clean the toilet because my adult (33

year old) brother had crapped on the toilet seat and not bothered to clean it

off. The above was her reaction to that.

>

> In response to her email, I said:

>

> " I apologize if I hurt your feelings with my downplay of the condition of <my

brother's> house. Your efforts were incredible, although I told you on a number

of occasions not to bother. You, however, insisted and now expect me to give

you a certain amount and type of feedback. I would have been happy to stay in a

hotel and then you wouldn't have needed to do anything. So I don't see where

I'm supposed to be grateful for something you did that I didn't even want in the

first place. "

>

> This resulted in her sending me a nasty email cutting off all contact with me.

What she doesn't understand is that NC is exactly what I needed right now. I

just hope it lasts a while.

>

> It's confounding to me that she can be upset with me because I told the truth.

But as in " A Few Good Men, " she can't handle the truth. It makes me understand

now what it was so easy for me to lie as a teenager. I had to build up all

these defense mechanisms to protect myself from her wrath and got to the point

where I thought that kind of behavior was normal. I'm so grateful to my husband

for sticking with me through all of this, in spite of all the negative behavior

from me that he's experienced all these years. He's waded through all the crap

and told me recently that he's totally in love with my authentic self and he's

so glad to finally see it emerging.

>

> Me too!

>

> Annie

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