Guest guest Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 Hi everyone, I'm new here and am glad to have found the site. It's reaffirming to see others who have to deal with the same type of issues, though I wish none of you did. I guess I should share a little of my background. I am a 52 year old woman and grew up in a home with 2 alcoholic parents. My father was physically abusive to my mother, brother and on a few occassions I suffered at his hands as well. He's been in recovery for over 30 years now and we have a great relationship. My mother has always been emotionally and verbally abusive. It has caused a lot of damage in my life. I have 2 good therapists (I have PTSD from the childhood stuff) and both have suggested that my mom is BPD. I am good a setting and boundaries with her, but doing so causes such intense guilt and doubt. It is exhausting to have to continually maintain the boundaries and combat the lies with truth (both stated and old ones in my head). Again, glad to have found you. I have ordered the (Walking On Eggshells) book and workbook. Hoping all this will help me develop empathy for my mom and lessen the emotional impact her actions have on me at the same time ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Welcome, I too an 52 and understand what you mean when you write how it is exhausting maintaining boundries and combating lies with truth. I also was close to my dad, but he died last year. He buffered us all I beleive now by dealing with a lot of my nada's bullying and talk. We got some, but he did a great job balancing her, doing damage control. Of course I didn't see this until he was gone. And even though I didn't know what BP was before and am just coming to terms with beleiving that is what my nada has, I knew something was wrong, amiss. LIke everyone I often thought it was something I was doing or not doing or not getting, understanding. I am just now peeling back all the layers and discovering how this all has impacted me personally throughout my life and impacted who I am. I am really trying to own who I am, set clear healthy boundries and enjoy my life, but it is hard. The guilt, the feeling like I should be sure my nada is okay now that she is alone, always measuring how much I am in contact with her, what I say and do, or don't say and do, all the shifts in relationships within the family, it is exhausting.And all the while not being able to be authentic with nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the past that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut out, punished. So I feel your words as they ring true for me as well. I am happy for you that you are getting professional help and welcome you here. > > Hi everyone, > > I'm new here and am glad to have found the site. It's reaffirming to see others who have to deal with the same type of issues, though I wish none of you did. > > I guess I should share a little of my background. I am a 52 year old woman and grew up in a home with 2 alcoholic parents. My father was physically abusive to my mother, brother and on a few occassions I suffered at his hands as well. He's been in recovery for over 30 years now and we have a great relationship. My mother has always been emotionally and verbally abusive. It has caused a lot of damage in my life. > > I have 2 good therapists (I have PTSD from the childhood stuff) and both have suggested that my mom is BPD. I am good a setting and boundaries with her, but doing so causes such intense guilt and doubt. It is exhausting to have to continually maintain the boundaries and combat the lies with truth (both stated and old ones in my head). > > Again, glad to have found you. I have ordered the (Walking On Eggshells) book and workbook. Hoping all this will help me develop empathy for my mom and lessen the emotional impact her actions have on me at the same time ) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 22, 2011 Report Share Posted August 22, 2011 Welcome to the group. You'll find amazing validation in SWOE, although it is not an easy book to read. Most of us here find amazingly similar stories being told by others that could have been from our own FOO (Family Of Origin). After years of not being understood by family outsiders, this is long over due validation. > > Hi everyone, > > I'm new here and am glad to have found the site. It's reaffirming to see others who have to deal with the same type of issues, though I wish none of you did. > > I guess I should share a little of my background. I am a 52 year old woman and grew up in a home with 2 alcoholic parents. My father was physically abusive to my mother, brother and on a few occassions I suffered at his hands as well. He's been in recovery for over 30 years now and we have a great relationship. My mother has always been emotionally and verbally abusive. It has caused a lot of damage in my life. > > I have 2 good therapists (I have PTSD from the childhood stuff) and both have suggested that my mom is BPD. I am good a setting and boundaries with her, but doing so causes such intense guilt and doubt. It is exhausting to have to continually maintain the boundaries and combat the lies with truth (both stated and old ones in my head). > > Again, glad to have found you. I have ordered the (Walking On Eggshells) book and workbook. Hoping all this will help me develop empathy for my mom and lessen the emotional impact her actions have on me at the same time ) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Thanks for the welcome Echobabe and , , what you said " all the while not being able to be authentic with nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the past that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut out, punished. " is so very true. It hurts to not be able to be authentic with my mom. It means we always have to be on guard, watching what we say. I am so glad that your father was able to shield you somewhat. Did you ever feel " safe " because of that? I am assuming not, because it sounds like you have just come to that realization. My older brother tried to shield me, but I didn't realize it until I was an adult. He actually could be quite abusive to me as well and beat me on several occasions. He learned the physical abuse from my dad I'm sure and had so much anger because of the things going on in our home. Even so, he did protect me in ways. Funny, because until recently he thought he had shielded me so much that I was pretty much unaware of most of all the abuse from mom and dad that went on. He never even considered that I was a victim of it too. He's finally come to the realization that I too was abused and how much it had escalated after he moved out. My dad actually held a boulder over my head intending to bash my head in with it when I was 18. I remember the terror in his eyes when he realized what he was doing. Thank God he dropped the boulder. The positive was that he stopped drinking after that. Sorry, went off on a bunny trail there. I am hurting really bad right now. I've known intellectually for years that I'm not the cause of my mom's illness, nor am I responsible for trying to change her. Even so, I think there is a core part of me that still believes that if I just do or say the right thing, she'll get it. Maybe now realizing that, at 76 years old, my Nada is never going to get well is causing me to grieve both what is and what could have been. I am sure that there is a lot of anger in me, but I am terrified of anger, both in others and myself. My therapist wants me to roll play, by us pretending to put my mother in a chair with me standing in front of it and telling her what I really think. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Instead I turn the anger inward and become depressed. So, how do you feel good? Even with boundaries I feel guilty. I didn't talk with her at all for 10 years. That felt horrible too so I started speaking with her 5 years ago, once all 3 of our sons had moved out. My brother and all 3 step siblings won't allow my mother in their homes nor will my husband of 33 year which of course causes problems. If it wasn't that though, it would be something else, because nothing is ever enough. She's an empty pit that can't be filled. Then she can be this wonderful, fantastic, intelligent and fun to be with person. Even knowing it's BPD, the flip flops are so confusing. I know this, I know it's her problem. I've been a good daughter. I still keep the boundaries in place and can handle her crap fairly well for awhile. Sometimes though the roller coaster goes on for so long that it triggers me and because I can't tell her what I really feel or think I end up worn down and in a hellish pit of depression. It just all seems so hopeless. Have you or anybody here been able to find a way to feel good about themselves for any length of time? > > > > Hi everyone, > > > > I'm new here and am glad to have found the site. It's reaffirming to see others who have to deal with the same type of issues, though I wish none of you did. > > > > I guess I should share a little of my background. I am a 52 year old woman and grew up in a home with 2 alcoholic parents. My father was physically abusive to my mother, brother and on a few occassions I suffered at his hands as well. He's been in recovery for over 30 years now and we have a great relationship. My mother has always been emotionally and verbally abusive. It has caused a lot of damage in my life. > > > > I have 2 good therapists (I have PTSD from the childhood stuff) and both have suggested that my mom is BPD. I am good a setting and boundaries with her, but doing so causes such intense guilt and doubt. It is exhausting to have to continually maintain the boundaries and combat the lies with truth (both stated and old ones in my head). > > > > Again, glad to have found you. I have ordered the (Walking On Eggshells) book and workbook. Hoping all this will help me develop empathy for my mom and lessen the emotional impact her actions have on me at the same time ) > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Hi, The best I have ever felt while having this knowledge, realization about my life, is after reading a book by Dr. Black - " Changing Course - recovering from abandonment and loss " . Dr. Black's book is so user friendly and has short workbook excercises you do that really help you through some things you discover about yourself while reading it. I felt empowered after reading the book and even my adult children noticed a positive change in me. It isn't all mine to fix - even though I had always felt that way. I still mourn the loss that my mom doesn't really know/fully appreciate me or my family - but it is what it is. I take it one day at a time and work really hard on enjoying the small things, the daily things that really matter to me. I spend time with my mom because I too find her fun and engaging sometimes (as you mentioned you find your mom sometimes) and I do love her. And I do it for my dad, he and I had a special relationship - a lot of communication through the eyes and both of us low key and easy going- he would be happy I still have a relationship with her. But my time with her is now much more controlled by me. I know she thinks this is strange and so do my siblings, and sometimes it feels weird to me - but when I put my guard/boundries down I ALWAYS regret it and pay for it emotionally - or my family does. So I treat her with respect and try to be responsible for my own behavior and not own hers. I have to put on an emotional armor. My husband, kids and some close friends " get " me and enjoy me for who I am and I treasure that. > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > > > > > I'm new here and am glad to have found the site. It's reaffirming to see others who have to deal with the same type of issues, though I wish none of you did. > > > > > > I guess I should share a little of my background. I am a 52 year old woman and grew up in a home with 2 alcoholic parents. My father was physically abusive to my mother, brother and on a few occassions I suffered at his hands as well. He's been in recovery for over 30 years now and we have a great relationship. My mother has always been emotionally and verbally abusive. It has caused a lot of damage in my life. > > > > > > I have 2 good therapists (I have PTSD from the childhood stuff) and both have suggested that my mom is BPD. I am good a setting and boundaries with her, but doing so causes such intense guilt and doubt. It is exhausting to have to continually maintain the boundaries and combat the lies with truth (both stated and old ones in my head). > > > > > > Again, glad to have found you. I have ordered the (Walking On Eggshells) book and workbook. Hoping all this will help me develop empathy for my mom and lessen the emotional impact her actions have on me at the same time ) > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 Ohh, I hear you. My nada went through therapists like kleenex and has had multiple psych ward stays. I'm convinced she is misdiagnosed with bipolar as well. She is textbook BPD. My nada didn't cut (my heart breaks for you that you were forced to witness that) but she would often grab a kitchen knife and act like she was going to stab herself. > > I'm so glad to find all of this. My mom was constantly diagnosed > through out my life with bipolar. She's been in and out of instutions > as long as I can remember. A close friend of mine who works in a > psychiatric hospital suggested that my mom might have been misdiagnosed > all of these years and asked me to look up BPD. This has been an eye > opener. " I always wanted to be normal " I see that statement everywhere > and GOD do I know what that feels like. I (and my family) always felt > so crazy. My mom could change from Super mom in public to a nightmare > in the house. So many things I don't know where to start. She was a > cutter, and even when I was small I remember her making us look at her > cutting herself telling us it was our fault. I never knew what I did. I > went from an overachiever to not caring at all. You can never please > her. > I'm in a messy situation with my mom right now. She's unbelievable. I > love her so much but I can not handle much more of her. > Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I now worry constantly that I'll make the same > mistakes with my children. I love them so much that I don't want them > to doubt one minute of my love. > Dont know what I need. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 The BP realization is still very new to you. Even though you have figured out best management practices for your mother over the years (NC even), knowing about BP is making you think about the interchanges with your mother over the years in a different context. That process brings out the anger, rage. This is grief, and in order to process the grief you have to experience all the stages: 1. Denial and Isolation 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance Many of us were denied 'unpleasant' emotions as children, such as anger and sadness, because our BPD parent wouldn't allow it. This suppression often becomes part of our personalities and I really think we have to somehow make peace with those suppressed emotions and give them permission to be part of who we are. I spent a lot of the last year feeling stuck on number 4--after the BPD realization hit me last summer. And rage. Deep seated anger, at my mom, my dad, even myself. A couple months ago I finally had a breakthrough in dealing with it. I am feeling closer to acceptance than I ever have. I don't feel like a bad, ungrateful child anymore. I feel like a woman of 47 years who is finally not looking to momma for acceptance or absolution, and not feeling broken because daddy didn't love me enough to see my bitch mother for what she was. > > Thanks for the welcome Echobabe and , > > , what you said " all the while not being able to be authentic with nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the past that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut out, punished. " is so very true. It hurts to not be able to be authentic with my mom. It means we always have to be on guard, watching what we say. > > I am so glad that your father was able to shield you somewhat. Did you ever feel " safe " because of that? I am assuming not, because it sounds like you have just come to that realization. > > My older brother tried to shield me, but I didn't realize it until I was an adult. He actually could be quite abusive to me as well and beat me on several occasions. He learned the physical abuse from my dad I'm sure and had so much anger because of the things going on in our home. Even so, he did protect me in ways. Funny, because until recently he thought he had shielded me so much that I was pretty much unaware of most of all the abuse from mom and dad that went on. He never even considered that I was a victim of it too. He's finally come to the realization that I too was abused and how much it had escalated after he moved out. My dad actually held a boulder over my head intending to bash my head in with it when I was 18. I remember the terror in his eyes when he realized what he was doing. Thank God he dropped the boulder. The positive was that he stopped drinking after that. > > Sorry, went off on a bunny trail there. I am hurting really bad right now. I've known intellectually for years that I'm not the cause of my mom's illness, nor am I responsible for trying to change her. Even so, I think there is a core part of me that still believes that if I just do or say the right thing, she'll get it. Maybe now realizing that, at > 76 years old, my Nada is never going to get well is causing me to grieve both what is and what could have been. > > I am sure that there is a lot of anger in me, but I am terrified of anger, both in others and myself. My therapist wants me to roll play, by us pretending to put my mother in a chair with me standing in front of it and telling her what I really think. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Instead I turn the anger inward and become depressed. > > So, how do you feel good? Even with boundaries I feel guilty. I didn't talk with her at all for 10 years. That felt horrible too so I started speaking with her 5 years ago, once all 3 of our sons had moved out. My brother and all 3 step siblings won't allow my mother in their homes nor will my husband of 33 year which of course causes problems. If it wasn't that though, it would be something else, because nothing is ever enough. She's an empty pit that can't be filled. Then she can be this wonderful, fantastic, intelligent and fun to be with person. Even knowing it's BPD, the flip flops are so confusing. > > I know this, I know it's her problem. I've been a good daughter. I still keep the boundaries in place and can handle her crap fairly well for awhile. Sometimes though the roller coaster goes on for so long that it triggers me and because I can't tell her what I really feel or think I end up worn down and in a hellish pit of depression. It just all seems so hopeless. > > Have you or anybody here been able to find a way to feel good about themselves for any length of time? > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 Thank you echo. It's a relief to know that there's hope on the other side of this. I'm still feeling like the ungrateful child and I'm ready to feel like the strong, capable adult woman that I really am. Hugs, AnnieL > > > > Thanks for the welcome Echobabe and , > > > > , what you said " all the while not being able to be authentic with nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the past that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut out, punished. " is so very true. It hurts to not be able to be authentic with my mom. It means we always have to be on guard, watching what we say. > > > > I am so glad that your father was able to shield you somewhat. Did you ever feel " safe " because of that? I am assuming not, because it sounds like you have just come to that realization. > > > > My older brother tried to shield me, but I didn't realize it until I was an adult. He actually could be quite abusive to me as well and beat me on several occasions. He learned the physical abuse from my dad I'm sure and had so much anger because of the things going on in our home. Even so, he did protect me in ways. Funny, because until recently he thought he had shielded me so much that I was pretty much unaware of most of all the abuse from mom and dad that went on. He never even considered that I was a victim of it too. He's finally come to the realization that I too was abused and how much it had escalated after he moved out. My dad actually held a boulder over my head intending to bash my head in with it when I was 18. I remember the terror in his eyes when he realized what he was doing. Thank God he dropped the boulder. The positive was that he stopped drinking after that. > > > > Sorry, went off on a bunny trail there. I am hurting really bad right now. I've known intellectually for years that I'm not the cause of my mom's illness, nor am I responsible for trying to change her. Even so, I think there is a core part of me that still believes that if I just do or say the right thing, she'll get it. Maybe now realizing that, at > > 76 years old, my Nada is never going to get well is causing me to grieve both what is and what could have been. > > > > I am sure that there is a lot of anger in me, but I am terrified of anger, both in others and myself. My therapist wants me to roll play, by us pretending to put my mother in a chair with me standing in front of it and telling her what I really think. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Instead I turn the anger inward and become depressed. > > > > So, how do you feel good? Even with boundaries I feel guilty. I didn't talk with her at all for 10 years. That felt horrible too so I started speaking with her 5 years ago, once all 3 of our sons had moved out. My brother and all 3 step siblings won't allow my mother in their homes nor will my husband of 33 year which of course causes problems. If it wasn't that though, it would be something else, because nothing is ever enough. She's an empty pit that can't be filled. Then she can be this wonderful, fantastic, intelligent and fun to be with person. Even knowing it's BPD, the flip flops are so confusing. > > > > I know this, I know it's her problem. I've been a good daughter. I still keep the boundaries in place and can handle her crap fairly well for awhile. Sometimes though the roller coaster goes on for so long that it triggers me and because I can't tell her what I really feel or think I end up worn down and in a hellish pit of depression. It just all seems so hopeless. > > > > Have you or anybody here been able to find a way to feel good about themselves for any length of time? > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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