Hi I'm New Here

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

I tried posting earlier, but it doesn't seem to have gone thru though I

realize it has to be approved by the group owner before being sent to

the group board. So maybe I am just being impatient LOL!

My name is . I am 52 years old, married for 33 years to a

wonderful husband and have 3 grown sons, a fantastic daughter in-law and

3 beautiful granddaughters.

I have been dx'd with PTSD due to childhood abuse. Both parents are

alcoholics, though my father has been in recovery for over 30 years and

we are close. I've been in therapy for 2 years and recently both my

therapists (one specializes in PTSD and EMDR) have suggested that my

mother has BPD.

Wow, it's amazing how much the information here and posts on this

message board fit my mother and my situation. My therapists affirmation

of her mental problems and the information here providing some

confirmation (though only her own therapist can dx it for sure) helps.

Even " knowing " this I am still left feeling confused and doubting

myself. She is a master at manipulation and turning everything back onto

whoever her target is at the moment.

I took a " setting boundaries " class in my church 15 years. I set

boundaries with my mom which she refused to abide by so I eventually had

to cut off all communication. Both for my own sanity and to protect my

young children. I resumed communication with her 4 years ago after our

sons had all moved out. Things went ok for 2 years then the different

" personalities " started to reappear and it has gotten progressively

worse. The personalities I refer to are not schizophrenic so much as a

description of her different moods. There is the extremely intelligent,

generous, encouraging, fun to be with mom (the only reason I maintain

any contact with her), the little girl who is very much a needy victim

and the raging viper. If the little girl appears I know the viper is on

it's way. My brother no longer talks with her, but we have on many

occasions discussed the progression of and what triggers these

personalities.

I screen her calls because I never know which " mom " will be on the other

end of the line. This way I can call her back when she leaves a message

that sounds like she is in her " right " mind. I have told her that if she

sounds " out of it " when we're talking or if she starts attacking me, my

husband or my kids, I will politely excuse myself from the conversation

and we'll talk when she is feeling better. I've held to this boundary

for 2 years now. I know I am doing the right thing, but still it is

hard. Fortunately I am able to fight her lies (not with her, but in my

own mind) with what I know is true, but it is exhausting to have to

constantly do this. At times I am too tired to fight and slip into

severe depression.

My brother doesn't speak to her, my husband won't allow her in our house

(we live in a different state that God), none of her step-children will

allow her in their homes and 3 weeks ago our middle son has cut her off.

I am so proud of him, he is a loving young man and very attentive family

oriented. It's sad that now she will miss her time not only with him,

but also with her granddaughters just like she did with he and his

brothers. Of course this has caused things to escalate with her and I am

the one who is receiving all the nasty voicemails. I know I should just

erase without listening to them as soon as I hear her voice. For some

reason doing that doesn't seem to lessen the pain though.

Knowing that she is most like a BP helps to separate myself from it for

sure. On the flip side....I feel so incredibly sad because I know that

at 76 years old she is not going to change. I guess, even with all of my

therapy, I still harbored a hope that something would get thru to her

someday. Accepting this is necessary, but I feel as if I am grieving the

loss of what should have been. I suppose that is a part of the healing

process and will help me to move forward. The pain is just so great

though.

Sorry for the rambling. Sure would appreciate hearing if any of you have

found a way to avoid feeling the pain of a Nada without totally shutting

down and building up walls that keep everyone else out too.

Thanks,

[Guest guest]

It is a very sad situation, but there is nothing you can do for her. As a

parent, I can handle my BPD mother interacting with just me a lot easier than

those times my grown children are involved.

You sound like you are doing all the right things, it just takes a long time to

detach.

Welcome and hugs,

>

> Hi All,

> I tried posting earlier, but it doesn't seem to have gone thru though I

> realize it has to be approved by the group owner before being sent to

> the group board. So maybe I am just being impatient LOL!

> My name is . I am 52 years old, married for 33 years to a

> wonderful husband and have 3 grown sons, a fantastic daughter in-law and

> 3 beautiful granddaughters.

> I have been dx'd with PTSD due to childhood abuse. Both parents are

> alcoholics, though my father has been in recovery for over 30 years and

> we are close. I've been in therapy for 2 years and recently both my

> therapists (one specializes in PTSD and EMDR) have suggested that my

> mother has BPD.

> Wow, it's amazing how much the information here and posts on this

> message board fit my mother and my situation. My therapists affirmation

> of her mental problems and the information here providing some

> confirmation (though only her own therapist can dx it for sure) helps.

> Even " knowing " this I am still left feeling confused and doubting

> myself. She is a master at manipulation and turning everything back onto

> whoever her target is at the moment.

> I took a " setting boundaries " class in my church 15 years. I set

> boundaries with my mom which she refused to abide by so I eventually had

> to cut off all communication. Both for my own sanity and to protect my

> young children. I resumed communication with her 4 years ago after our

> sons had all moved out. Things went ok for 2 years then the different

> " personalities " started to reappear and it has gotten progressively

> worse. The personalities I refer to are not schizophrenic so much as a

> description of her different moods. There is the extremely intelligent,

> generous, encouraging, fun to be with mom (the only reason I maintain

> any contact with her), the little girl who is very much a needy victim

> and the raging viper. If the little girl appears I know the viper is on

> it's way. My brother no longer talks with her, but we have on many

> occasions discussed the progression of and what triggers these

> personalities.

> I screen her calls because I never know which " mom " will be on the other

> end of the line. This way I can call her back when she leaves a message

> that sounds like she is in her " right " mind. I have told her that if she

> sounds " out of it " when we're talking or if she starts attacking me, my

> husband or my kids, I will politely excuse myself from the conversation

> and we'll talk when she is feeling better. I've held to this boundary

> for 2 years now. I know I am doing the right thing, but still it is

> hard. Fortunately I am able to fight her lies (not with her, but in my

> own mind) with what I know is true, but it is exhausting to have to

> constantly do this. At times I am too tired to fight and slip into

> severe depression.

> My brother doesn't speak to her, my husband won't allow her in our house

> (we live in a different state that God), none of her step-children will

> allow her in their homes and 3 weeks ago our middle son has cut her off.

> I am so proud of him, he is a loving young man and very attentive family

> oriented. It's sad that now she will miss her time not only with him,

> but also with her granddaughters just like she did with he and his

> brothers. Of course this has caused things to escalate with her and I am

> the one who is receiving all the nasty voicemails. I know I should just

> erase without listening to them as soon as I hear her voice. For some

> reason doing that doesn't seem to lessen the pain though.

> Knowing that she is most like a BP helps to separate myself from it for

> sure. On the flip side....I feel so incredibly sad because I know that

> at 76 years old she is not going to change. I guess, even with all of my

> therapy, I still harbored a hope that something would get thru to her

> someday. Accepting this is necessary, but I feel as if I am grieving the

> loss of what should have been. I suppose that is a part of the healing

> process and will help me to move forward. The pain is just so great

> though.

> Sorry for the rambling. Sure would appreciate hearing if any of you have

> found a way to avoid feeling the pain of a Nada without totally shutting

> down and building up walls that keep everyone else out too.

> Thanks,

>

>

>

>