Feel Suicidal When Dealing with BPD mother with Dementia

[Guest guest]

I took care of her longer than I had emotional stamina, I guess.

But, felt suicidal for the last while with her living at home. Now, she has

moved to a assisted living. And after visiting her there, I come home and all

the next day feel trapped and suicidal again.

People are angry at me that I don't want to visit her every moment in the care

center. Well, who the hell are they? Where have they been the last several

years I've been caring for her 24/7 with hardly a break and no help. Suddenly,

they show an interest. Well, sorry. But, I'm a little burned out! They try to

take me there with them as they seem to feel I'm not going enough. It's

frustrating. I'm grateful people are finally showing an interest. Though, it's

a day late and a dollar short. I don't want to be with her every minute. Been

there my entire life. The queen had to have all of the attention... all the

time. And I guess my question is why don't people give a crap about the

caretaker. It's all " what's best for your parent. " " She needs you. " Well, who

the * & (^$*$( do they things been seeing that she has this wonderful life while

completely having no life at all? I think part of the problem is people feel

guilty themselves for not doing more. So, they try to blame me and guilt me

into doing it for them. They should feel guilty. They have no right to try to

pin their burden on me.

I don't know exactly why I am experiencing these problems. I think I am just

done. I have been her mother my entire life. She is demanding in her sweet,

way. But, my entire life I've felt trapped by her, stopped in my needs, and

development...by her. I have often compared her to the feeling of having an

octopus with all it's tentacles wrapped around my neck. I have read where

someone said it wasn't until their borderline parent passed away that they felt

they had a life of their own. That their lives began at that moment. I'm

thinking that is probably very true. I don't know how to handle these depressed

feelings now.

[Guest guest]

Fun,

I hear you and I get it. Completely.

Yes - who the hell are they? And furthermore, how is it any of their business?

Your Nada is an ASSISTED LIVING! That means assisted by someone who is not YOU!

You don't need to go there all the time. That's the whole point - you've shifted

the burden of her care to paid helpers, and if people don't like it, well they

can step up and take care of her themselves.

I too understand how you feel trapped after the visits. Even though my mother is

suffering from dementia to such a degree that she no longer displays any

borderline traits, after I visit her in the nursing home I typically feel

drained and just spiritually exhausted for days afterward. It somehow sucks me

right back into the bad old days.

So you know what? I don't go to visit very often - and she is literally five

minutes away.

Sure, I know there are some people who might think I'm heartless for not

visiting the " sweet old lady " in the nursing home. But I have come to develop a

thick skin about this over the last year and a half and guess what? I don't

care!

Interestingly, I never ever get any kind of feeling that the staff feels this

way - probably because they know enough of the back story, starting with the

first time she was there for rehab after a failed suicide attempt left her so

weak that she fell and broke her hip.

I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that I believe you have to find your

own strength to cut way back on the visits and climb out of the FOG - and in

your case it seems the FOG might be generated by others as much as your Nada.

I hope you can take some encouragement when I tell you that it does get a lot

easier with passing time - I used to feel pretty danged guilty about not

visiting, after all I'm a KO, lol, but now? Eh. Not so much. I have a life to

live and she's stolen too much of it already.

> I took care of her longer than I had emotional stamina, I guess.

> But, felt suicidal for the last while with her living at home. Now, she has

moved to a assisted living. And after visiting her there, I come home and all

the next day feel trapped and suicidal again.

>

> People are angry at me that I don't want to visit her every moment in the care

center. Well, who the hell are they? Where have they been the last several years

I've been caring for her 24/7 with hardly a break and no help. Suddenly, they

show an interest. Well, sorry. But, I'm a little burned out! They try to take me

there with them as they seem to feel I'm not going enough. It's frustrating. I'm

grateful people are finally showing an interest. Though, it's a day late and a

dollar short. I don't want to be with her every minute. Been there my entire

life. The queen had to have all of the attention... all the time. And I guess my

question is why don't people give a crap about the caretaker. It's all " what's

best for your parent. " " She needs you. " Well, who the * & (^$*$( do they things

been seeing that she has this wonderful life while completely having no life at

all? I think part of the problem is people feel guilty themselves for not d oing

more. So, they try to blame me and guilt me into doing it for them. They should

feel guilty. They have no right to try to pin their burden on me.

>

> I don't know exactly why I am experiencing these problems. I think I am just

done. I have been her mother my entire life. She is demanding in her sweet, way.

But, my entire life I've felt trapped by her, stopped in my needs, and

development...by her. I have often compared her to the feeling of having an

octopus with all it's tentacles wrapped around my neck. I have read where

someone said it wasn't until their borderline parent passed away that they felt

they had a life of their own. That their lives began at that moment. I'm

thinking that is probably very true. I don't know how to handle these depressed

feelings now.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Funchicklet I say tell all those dogooder busybodies to go f*** themselves.

Sorry got a little carried away there. My mother/nada isn't as far along as

yours but she's on the same track but living in another city than me. I

struggle with the guilt that I could do more, that she needs more but that if I

do it I'll go insane. So I don't. I instead pressure her to have hired help

instead and so far she's managing but not well. Others only see her sweet

little old lady side, even the one relative involved seems to have no

comprehension of how hard it is for me but expects my sympathy for how hard it

is for HER to deal with my nada.

I'm not sure why the caregiver gets such short shrift. I've seen it happen in

other circumstances too that don't involve mental illness. It's strange - like

once you become the caregiver one has agreed to be a saint and is supposed to

give and suffer endlessly? I hope you are doing okay and remember to secure

your own oxygen mask first.

Eliza

>

> I took care of her longer than I had emotional stamina, I guess.

> But, felt suicidal for the last while with her living at home. Now, she has

moved to a assisted living. And after visiting her there, I come home and all

the next day feel trapped and suicidal again.

>

> People are angry at me that I don't want to visit her every moment in the care

center. Well, who the hell are they? Where have they been the last several

years I've been caring for her 24/7 with hardly a break and no help. Suddenly,

they show an interest. Well, sorry. But, I'm a little burned out! They try to

take me there with them as they seem to feel I'm not going enough. It's

frustrating. I'm grateful people are finally showing an interest. Though, it's

a day late and a dollar short. I don't want to be with her every minute. Been

there my entire life. The queen had to have all of the attention... all the

time. And I guess my question is why don't people give a crap about the

caretaker. It's all " what's best for your parent. " " She needs you. " Well, who

the * & (^$*$( do they things been seeing that she has this wonderful life while

completely having no life at all? I think part of the problem is people feel

guilty themselves for not doing more. So, they try to blame me and guilt me

into doing it for them. They should feel guilty. They have no right to try to

pin their burden on me.

>

> I don't know exactly why I am experiencing these problems. I think I am just

done. I have been her mother my entire life. She is demanding in her sweet,

way. But, my entire life I've felt trapped by her, stopped in my needs, and

development...by her. I have often compared her to the feeling of having an

octopus with all it's tentacles wrapped around my neck. I have read where

someone said it wasn't until their borderline parent passed away that they felt

they had a life of their own. That their lives began at that moment. I'm

thinking that is probably very true. I don't know how to handle these depressed

feelings now.

>

[Guest guest]

I agree, if you possibly can, MAKE yourself ignore negative, critical things

your relatives or family friends say and think about your situation. You have

been your mother's caregiver; you have done way more than your share, so its OK

to let others take a turn now and have some time for yourself. You have done

nothing to feel guilty about or ashamed of. Deflect any guilt or shame they

attempt to lob at you, you have the right to your own life and to just visit

when you feel up to it and have the time.

NO GUILT.

You hear me?

-Annie

> >

> > I took care of her longer than I had emotional stamina, I guess.

> > But, felt suicidal for the last while with her living at home. Now, she has

moved to a assisted living. And after visiting her there, I come home and all

the next day feel trapped and suicidal again.

> >

> > People are angry at me that I don't want to visit her every moment in the

care center. Well, who the hell are they? Where have they been the last

several years I've been caring for her 24/7 with hardly a break and no help.

Suddenly, they show an interest. Well, sorry. But, I'm a little burned out!

They try to take me there with them as they seem to feel I'm not going enough.

It's frustrating. I'm grateful people are finally showing an interest. Though,

it's a day late and a dollar short. I don't want to be with her every minute.

Been there my entire life. The queen had to have all of the attention... all

the time. And I guess my question is why don't people give a crap about the

caretaker. It's all " what's best for your parent. " " She needs you. " Well, who

the * & (^$*$( do they things been seeing that she has this wonderful life while

completely having no life at all? I think part of the problem is people feel

guilty themselves for not doing more. So, they try to blame me and guilt me

into doing it for them. They should feel guilty. They have no right to try to

pin their burden on me.

> >

> > I don't know exactly why I am experiencing these problems. I think I am

just done. I have been her mother my entire life. She is demanding in her

sweet, way. But, my entire life I've felt trapped by her, stopped in my

needs, and development...by her. I have often compared her to the feeling of

having an octopus with all it's tentacles wrapped around my neck. I have read

where someone said it wasn't until their borderline parent passed away that they

felt they had a life of their own. That their lives began at that moment. I'm

thinking that is probably very true. I don't know how to handle these depressed

feelings now.

> >

>