Guest guest Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 I took care of her longer than I had emotional stamina, I guess. But, felt suicidal for the last while with her living at home. Now, she has moved to a assisted living. And after visiting her there, I come home and all the next day feel trapped and suicidal again. People are angry at me that I don't want to visit her every moment in the care center. Well, who the hell are they? Where have they been the last several years I've been caring for her 24/7 with hardly a break and no help. Suddenly, they show an interest. Well, sorry. But, I'm a little burned out! They try to take me there with them as they seem to feel I'm not going enough. It's frustrating. I'm grateful people are finally showing an interest. Though, it's a day late and a dollar short. I don't want to be with her every minute. Been there my entire life. The queen had to have all of the attention... all the time. And I guess my question is why don't people give a crap about the caretaker. It's all " what's best for your parent. " " She needs you. " Well, who the * & (^$*$( do they things been seeing that she has this wonderful life while completely having no life at all? I think part of the problem is people feel guilty themselves for not doing more. So, they try to blame me and guilt me into doing it for them. They should feel guilty. They have no right to try to pin their burden on me. I don't know exactly why I am experiencing these problems. I think I am just done. I have been her mother my entire life. She is demanding in her sweet, way. But, my entire life I've felt trapped by her, stopped in my needs, and development...by her. I have often compared her to the feeling of having an octopus with all it's tentacles wrapped around my neck. I have read where someone said it wasn't until their borderline parent passed away that they felt they had a life of their own. That their lives began at that moment. I'm thinking that is probably very true. I don't know how to handle these depressed feelings now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Fun, I hear you and I get it. Completely. Yes - who the hell are they? And furthermore, how is it any of their business? Your Nada is an ASSISTED LIVING! That means assisted by someone who is not YOU! You don't need to go there all the time. That's the whole point - you've shifted the burden of her care to paid helpers, and if people don't like it, well they can step up and take care of her themselves. I too understand how you feel trapped after the visits. Even though my mother is suffering from dementia to such a degree that she no longer displays any borderline traits, after I visit her in the nursing home I typically feel drained and just spiritually exhausted for days afterward. It somehow sucks me right back into the bad old days. So you know what? I don't go to visit very often - and she is literally five minutes away. Sure, I know there are some people who might think I'm heartless for not visiting the " sweet old lady " in the nursing home. But I have come to develop a thick skin about this over the last year and a half and guess what? I don't care! Interestingly, I never ever get any kind of feeling that the staff feels this way - probably because they know enough of the back story, starting with the first time she was there for rehab after a failed suicide attempt left her so weak that she fell and broke her hip. I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that I believe you have to find your own strength to cut way back on the visits and climb out of the FOG - and in your case it seems the FOG might be generated by others as much as your Nada. I hope you can take some encouragement when I tell you that it does get a lot easier with passing time - I used to feel pretty danged guilty about not visiting, after all I'm a KO, lol, but now? Eh. Not so much. I have a life to live and she's stolen too much of it already. > I took care of her longer than I had emotional stamina, I guess. > But, felt suicidal for the last while with her living at home. Now, she has moved to a assisted living. And after visiting her there, I come home and all the next day feel trapped and suicidal again. > > People are angry at me that I don't want to visit her every moment in the care center. Well, who the hell are they? Where have they been the last several years I've been caring for her 24/7 with hardly a break and no help. Suddenly, they show an interest. Well, sorry. But, I'm a little burned out! They try to take me there with them as they seem to feel I'm not going enough. It's frustrating. I'm grateful people are finally showing an interest. Though, it's a day late and a dollar short. I don't want to be with her every minute. Been there my entire life. The queen had to have all of the attention... all the time. And I guess my question is why don't people give a crap about the caretaker. It's all " what's best for your parent. " " She needs you. " Well, who the * & (^$*$( do they things been seeing that she has this wonderful life while completely having no life at all? I think part of the problem is people feel guilty themselves for not d oing more. So, they try to blame me and guilt me into doing it for them. They should feel guilty. They have no right to try to pin their burden on me. > > I don't know exactly why I am experiencing these problems. I think I am just done. I have been her mother my entire life. She is demanding in her sweet, way. But, my entire life I've felt trapped by her, stopped in my needs, and development...by her. I have often compared her to the feeling of having an octopus with all it's tentacles wrapped around my neck. I have read where someone said it wasn't until their borderline parent passed away that they felt they had a life of their own. That their lives began at that moment. I'm thinking that is probably very true. I don't know how to handle these depressed feelings now. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Dear Funchicklet I say tell all those dogooder busybodies to go f*** themselves. Sorry got a little carried away there. My mother/nada isn't as far along as yours but she's on the same track but living in another city than me. I struggle with the guilt that I could do more, that she needs more but that if I do it I'll go insane. So I don't. I instead pressure her to have hired help instead and so far she's managing but not well. Others only see her sweet little old lady side, even the one relative involved seems to have no comprehension of how hard it is for me but expects my sympathy for how hard it is for HER to deal with my nada. I'm not sure why the caregiver gets such short shrift. I've seen it happen in other circumstances too that don't involve mental illness. It's strange - like once you become the caregiver one has agreed to be a saint and is supposed to give and suffer endlessly? I hope you are doing okay and remember to secure your own oxygen mask first. Eliza > > I took care of her longer than I had emotional stamina, I guess. > But, felt suicidal for the last while with her living at home. Now, she has moved to a assisted living. And after visiting her there, I come home and all the next day feel trapped and suicidal again. > > People are angry at me that I don't want to visit her every moment in the care center. Well, who the hell are they? Where have they been the last several years I've been caring for her 24/7 with hardly a break and no help. Suddenly, they show an interest. Well, sorry. But, I'm a little burned out! They try to take me there with them as they seem to feel I'm not going enough. It's frustrating. I'm grateful people are finally showing an interest. Though, it's a day late and a dollar short. I don't want to be with her every minute. Been there my entire life. The queen had to have all of the attention... all the time. And I guess my question is why don't people give a crap about the caretaker. It's all " what's best for your parent. " " She needs you. " Well, who the * & (^$*$( do they things been seeing that she has this wonderful life while completely having no life at all? I think part of the problem is people feel guilty themselves for not doing more. So, they try to blame me and guilt me into doing it for them. They should feel guilty. They have no right to try to pin their burden on me. > > I don't know exactly why I am experiencing these problems. I think I am just done. I have been her mother my entire life. She is demanding in her sweet, way. But, my entire life I've felt trapped by her, stopped in my needs, and development...by her. I have often compared her to the feeling of having an octopus with all it's tentacles wrapped around my neck. I have read where someone said it wasn't until their borderline parent passed away that they felt they had a life of their own. That their lives began at that moment. I'm thinking that is probably very true. I don't know how to handle these depressed feelings now. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 22, 2011 Report Share Posted August 22, 2011 I agree, if you possibly can, MAKE yourself ignore negative, critical things your relatives or family friends say and think about your situation. You have been your mother's caregiver; you have done way more than your share, so its OK to let others take a turn now and have some time for yourself. You have done nothing to feel guilty about or ashamed of. Deflect any guilt or shame they attempt to lob at you, you have the right to your own life and to just visit when you feel up to it and have the time. NO GUILT. You hear me? -Annie > > > > I took care of her longer than I had emotional stamina, I guess. > > But, felt suicidal for the last while with her living at home. Now, she has moved to a assisted living. And after visiting her there, I come home and all the next day feel trapped and suicidal again. > > > > People are angry at me that I don't want to visit her every moment in the care center. Well, who the hell are they? Where have they been the last several years I've been caring for her 24/7 with hardly a break and no help. Suddenly, they show an interest. Well, sorry. But, I'm a little burned out! They try to take me there with them as they seem to feel I'm not going enough. It's frustrating. I'm grateful people are finally showing an interest. Though, it's a day late and a dollar short. I don't want to be with her every minute. Been there my entire life. The queen had to have all of the attention... all the time. And I guess my question is why don't people give a crap about the caretaker. It's all " what's best for your parent. " " She needs you. " Well, who the * & (^$*$( do they things been seeing that she has this wonderful life while completely having no life at all? I think part of the problem is people feel guilty themselves for not doing more. So, they try to blame me and guilt me into doing it for them. They should feel guilty. They have no right to try to pin their burden on me. > > > > I don't know exactly why I am experiencing these problems. I think I am just done. I have been her mother my entire life. She is demanding in her sweet, way. But, my entire life I've felt trapped by her, stopped in my needs, and development...by her. I have often compared her to the feeling of having an octopus with all it's tentacles wrapped around my neck. I have read where someone said it wasn't until their borderline parent passed away that they felt they had a life of their own. That their lives began at that moment. I'm thinking that is probably very true. I don't know how to handle these depressed feelings now. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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