don't know how to deal with anger

[Guest guest]

Hi, I feel little panicky often because I have so much anger, guilt an fear

about things a lot of the time and I just can't think how to process it. It

feels like I'll have it with me all my life and it's making me feel almost

claustrophobic. I feel so much outrage at the fact that mt bpd father, who was

supposed to be my parent and look after me actually caused me most of the

suffering that I've been through in my life so far and I find it both hard to

believe it and feel suffocatingly angry.

Another thing that bothers me is how emotionally close I feel towards him. I

have been no contact for a while but I feel that there is such a thin divide

between who he is and who I am. I am at home just now because I want to be with

my mum and other family and because I've not been in good health and I am often

trying to keep from the edge of panic because I feel like it would take so

little for him to be able to reach inside me emotionally somehow and control me.

I guess this is because I've been so close and controlled by him in the past. I

feel like I have to keep fighting so's not to become his siamese twin. If I go

near him or hear his voice or hear him breath or even see a piece of his

clothing I get this sort sort of shudder inside and I get scared that even that

little contact will let him get a hold of me and then I won't belong to myself

any more.

I also hear his voice in my head a lot. When I'm trying to work something out

his voice will come in my head advising me and judging me.

You know it's when he's in his dr. jeckyl moods that I have the worst horror of

him because at least when he's acting crazy I can be sure that I can keep NC

with him but when he's acting all charming I feel almost unbearably guilty and

like it's all my fault and it's me who's crazy.

My mum says I should stop obsessing about what's happenened and get on with the

present but the thing is I was in denial about so much stuff for so many years I

feel that although I'm not in denial

any more I still can't quite emotionally comprehend it all or know how to deal

with it.

I read the book Toxic Parents and it suggested that you deal with the anger you

havn't expessed in the past by just hitting pillows etc. I've done this and it

has helped a little but I get this weird thing that when I've done it for a few

days my body almost seems to go into shock and I feel really unwell for a day or

two.

I just don't feel well a lot of the time. I feel stressed and anxious a lot and

I dont have much feeling of wellbeing ever. I just haven't felt well in myself

really since I was a child (I was 10 when my bpd father's mental state got a lot

worse)and I feel worried that I never will feel well. I guess i cope ok mostly

but it takes so little for me to feel that I am so tired of life I can't bear

it. It's not that I'm suicidal, I guess I just feel often that life's taken so

much out of me so far that I can't seem to summon up a lot of enthusiasm for the

rest of it. I feel really really emotionally worn out.

I'm constantly trying to deal with so much insecurity and guilt and self doubt

and you know the thing I'm most scare of is myself and my own emotions. I just

can't seem to learn to trust myself again.