Guest guest Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Shock, numb, anger....and longing are all emotions I have felt in the past 7 weeks since realizing my mom has BPD. It is great your husband understands and you have supportive friends. I have once again returned to therapy because of this realization. I was emeshed with my mom and after recently trying to set a new boundary of only talking on the phone once a week the same time every day, she of course wasn't receptive too. I find I miss her insanity after only two days. Maybe I got used to her negative attention and misinterpreted it as love growing up. Any tips on how my newborn daughter of 8 weeks can have a relationship with my BPD mother? K > > Thanks for several of your emails/posts over the last couple of days as I've been coming to terms with my mom's undiagnosed BPD. I still can't bring myself to call her my nada because I'm so emotionally attached still. I realize this morning that I'm in shock after realizing that my mom has BPD. My husband has thought so for years, but I wasn't ready to handle it. > > Since getting stronger over the last few years, I'm finally coming to terms with it, but there's no denying that I'm very confuzzled about it all. In fact, I'm feeling a bit numb. I suppose that's a normal reaction at first. I've already had years and years of therapy, long before all of this, but now it's all starting to make sense why I experienced my first depressive episode at age 7. > > I had a bit of a realization yesterday, with the help of my husband. > > - I was a skinny child but became fat, starting at about age 7 when my mom quit her job and became a full-time mom. > > - At age 13, when I started puberty and started arguing against her for what I believed in, I lost all my weight and was a skinny teenager. > > - At age 17, after fighting with her for years, and after giving up some of the control over my own choices because I got tired of fighting, I gained weight again. Two events come distinctly to mind. > > 1. She berated me about having sex with my boyfriend and convinced me I needed to go to confession to tell the priest about it. After many, many arguments, I finally relented and spent the whole confession in tears. I left feeling ashamed and haven't been back to confession since then. I also left the Catholic church after that. It was used as a weapon against me and I don't think I'll ever see my way back. > > 2. She berated me about the same boyfriend, telling me he wasn't good enough for me, until I finally left him (even though I wasn't ready). I continued having an on-again-off-again relationship with him, fantasizing about our lives together and believing I was still in love with him, even after getting married and having children. It took me about 15 years to get over him. Fortunately, my husband fought for me and helped me realize he was a dud before I did anything too stupid. > > 3. Now that I live away from my parents and went back to massage school, I'm feeling stronger and stronger. Graduating from massage school was an accomplishment for me, not because it was difficult, but because it was something that was all mine. My mom didn't think it was worthwhile, in spite of the fact that she paid for the tuition. It wasn't until I graduated and I used massage to help her with some of her pain that she finally believed it was valuable (of course, it helped HER, so it was valuable). Getting her to understand that it was worthwhile was the biggest accomplishment because, well, you all know how difficult it is to get a BPD to believe anything you say. > > Once I graduated from massage school, I felt capable of taking on weight loss. It was all too much for me before. The idea of denying myself food was too scary, since it was my safety net for so many years. Now that I don't feel like I need a safety net, I'm not finding it all that difficult to get control over my food intake. In fact, there just aren't the emotions attached to food that I used to have. It's easier for me to bypass those chocolate chip cookies than it used to be because I don't feel anxious anymore if I decide not to have one. Now I feel strong if I choose to forgo them. > > Now, my major anxiety is about when my mom will try to reenter my life. The last time we had no contact, it was by her choice and lasted about five weeks. Then she sent me flowers but it was never discussed again except for her bringing up her own bad feelings about how I treated her. I'm sure that at some point my mother is going to insist that she see my children and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that. She doesn't treat my son with much respect 1. because he has autism and my mom can't handle his unpredictability, and 2. because he's a male and my mother has very little respect for anyone male unless he's a priest (which I'm sure is why my dad became a Catholic deacon, but that's another part of the story). > > I'm considering whether I want to try to see a therapist again. I'm not sure that it's worth the money because I know pretty much about how it's going to go. I have some good friends that I can generally use as a sounding board and, of course, I've now found this place. > > Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. It's helpful to tell my story and get it off my chest in a place where people finally understand and believe it. > > Hugs to all, > > Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Be gentle with yourself. It takes time and distance to process this kind of a " sea change " in your thinking and your paradigm of reality. I agree, you probably are still in a state of shock. Give yourself time to really absorb this whole concept and gradually become more accepting of what it means. Its not uncommon for us KOs to go through a kind of mourning period, a true grieving process when we realize that our mothers (or fathers) have this devastating mental illness and are not likely to change. (Its not impossible for them to change, its just not very likely.) You will probably experience going through the various stages of grief for a while, once the shock wears off. That's good to hear that you have a therapist who can help you process this change and the trauma and grief it may generate. And we're here too. Please give yourself plenty of time and emotional distance to absorb all this, and you don't have to make a decision until you feel more settled and grounded RE whether you want to allow your child to be around your mother, or not. And if you do decide to allow contact, you get to choose under what conditions you would feel safe allowing it. Give yourself time. There is no time-table or schedule for processing trauma, or coming to terms with and integrating feelings, no deadline for gaining a level of peace and healing within yourself. -Annie > > > > Thanks for several of your emails/posts over the last couple of days as I've been coming to terms with my mom's undiagnosed BPD. I still can't bring myself to call her my nada because I'm so emotionally attached still. I realize this morning that I'm in shock after realizing that my mom has BPD. My husband has thought so for years, but I wasn't ready to handle it. > > > > Since getting stronger over the last few years, I'm finally coming to terms with it, but there's no denying that I'm very confuzzled about it all. In fact, I'm feeling a bit numb. I suppose that's a normal reaction at first. I've already had years and years of therapy, long before all of this, but now it's all starting to make sense why I experienced my first depressive episode at age 7. > > > > I had a bit of a realization yesterday, with the help of my husband. > > > > - I was a skinny child but became fat, starting at about age 7 when my mom quit her job and became a full-time mom. > > > > - At age 13, when I started puberty and started arguing against her for what I believed in, I lost all my weight and was a skinny teenager. > > > > - At age 17, after fighting with her for years, and after giving up some of the control over my own choices because I got tired of fighting, I gained weight again. Two events come distinctly to mind. > > > > 1. She berated me about having sex with my boyfriend and convinced me I needed to go to confession to tell the priest about it. After many, many arguments, I finally relented and spent the whole confession in tears. I left feeling ashamed and haven't been back to confession since then. I also left the Catholic church after that. It was used as a weapon against me and I don't think I'll ever see my way back. > > > > 2. She berated me about the same boyfriend, telling me he wasn't good enough for me, until I finally left him (even though I wasn't ready). I continued having an on-again-off-again relationship with him, fantasizing about our lives together and believing I was still in love with him, even after getting married and having children. It took me about 15 years to get over him. Fortunately, my husband fought for me and helped me realize he was a dud before I did anything too stupid. > > > > 3. Now that I live away from my parents and went back to massage school, I'm feeling stronger and stronger. Graduating from massage school was an accomplishment for me, not because it was difficult, but because it was something that was all mine. My mom didn't think it was worthwhile, in spite of the fact that she paid for the tuition. It wasn't until I graduated and I used massage to help her with some of her pain that she finally believed it was valuable (of course, it helped HER, so it was valuable). Getting her to understand that it was worthwhile was the biggest accomplishment because, well, you all know how difficult it is to get a BPD to believe anything you say. > > > > Once I graduated from massage school, I felt capable of taking on weight loss. It was all too much for me before. The idea of denying myself food was too scary, since it was my safety net for so many years. Now that I don't feel like I need a safety net, I'm not finding it all that difficult to get control over my food intake. In fact, there just aren't the emotions attached to food that I used to have. It's easier for me to bypass those chocolate chip cookies than it used to be because I don't feel anxious anymore if I decide not to have one. Now I feel strong if I choose to forgo them. > > > > Now, my major anxiety is about when my mom will try to reenter my life. The last time we had no contact, it was by her choice and lasted about five weeks. Then she sent me flowers but it was never discussed again except for her bringing up her own bad feelings about how I treated her. I'm sure that at some point my mother is going to insist that she see my children and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that. She doesn't treat my son with much respect 1. because he has autism and my mom can't handle his unpredictability, and 2. because he's a male and my mother has very little respect for anyone male unless he's a priest (which I'm sure is why my dad became a Catholic deacon, but that's another part of the story). > > > > I'm considering whether I want to try to see a therapist again. I'm not sure that it's worth the money because I know pretty much about how it's going to go. I have some good friends that I can generally use as a sounding board and, of course, I've now found this place. > > > > Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. It's helpful to tell my story and get it off my chest in a place where people finally understand and believe it. > > > > Hugs to all, > > > > Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 22, 2011 Report Share Posted August 22, 2011 1) My sister has beaten herself up for years about her relationship with food. I've been reading Daughters of Madness, and copied down a passage relating to eating disorders and the mother/child bond. " Researchers studying the kinds of problems adolescents have when they have insecure attachments have found that girls with dismissive attachments (seeming indifferent to their rejecting mothers see chapter 1) are more likely to develop eating disorders of some kind and to focus their energies on controlling internal emotional states by controlling food intake. " So you see, the seeds of food issues can be sown in infancy, before our conscious memories take place. You probably did not feel your mother was a safe haven, and so replaced the comfort your should have been able to count on from her with food. May this information help you give yourself the loving kindness you need to help you break that cycle. 2) My mother was a divorced and remarried (fallen) Catholic. But she made my sis and I go through religious education. When my world feel apart and I got into a sexual relationship with a man (I was 14), nada wanted me to go to confession. Heck, I wanted to go to confession--I thought I really was a horrible person and expected the priest to start yelling at me. It was a cry for help--I knew I was an out of control teenager. Instead, he forgave my sin, saying I was " already hard enough " on myself. I was confused. Here I was telling my big bad secret and to me it seemed like he was saying " no big deal. " That was my last sacrament in the Catholic church, and I refused to go through confirmation. I know, it seems silly now, but that's the thinking of a confused 15 year. <<Hugs>> > > Thanks for several of your emails/posts over the last couple of days as I've been coming to terms with my mom's undiagnosed BPD. I still can't bring myself to call her my nada because I'm so emotionally attached still. I realize this morning that I'm in shock after realizing that my mom has BPD. My husband has thought so for years, but I wasn't ready to handle it. > > Since getting stronger over the last few years, I'm finally coming to terms with it, but there's no denying that I'm very confuzzled about it all. In fact, I'm feeling a bit numb. I suppose that's a normal reaction at first. I've already had years and years of therapy, long before all of this, but now it's all starting to make sense why I experienced my first depressive episode at age 7. > > I had a bit of a realization yesterday, with the help of my husband. > > - I was a skinny child but became fat, starting at about age 7 when my mom quit her job and became a full-time mom. > > - At age 13, when I started puberty and started arguing against her for what I believed in, I lost all my weight and was a skinny teenager. > > - At age 17, after fighting with her for years, and after giving up some of the control over my own choices because I got tired of fighting, I gained weight again. Two events come distinctly to mind. > > 1. She berated me about having sex with my boyfriend and convinced me I needed to go to confession to tell the priest about it. After many, many arguments, I finally relented and spent the whole confession in tears. I left feeling ashamed and haven't been back to confession since then. I also left the Catholic church after that. It was used as a weapon against me and I don't think I'll ever see my way back. > > 2. She berated me about the same boyfriend, telling me he wasn't good enough for me, until I finally left him (even though I wasn't ready). I continued having an on-again-off-again relationship with him, fantasizing about our lives together and believing I was still in love with him, even after getting married and having children. It took me about 15 years to get over him. Fortunately, my husband fought for me and helped me realize he was a dud before I did anything too stupid. > > 3. Now that I live away from my parents and went back to massage school, I'm feeling stronger and stronger. Graduating from massage school was an accomplishment for me, not because it was difficult, but because it was something that was all mine. My mom didn't think it was worthwhile, in spite of the fact that she paid for the tuition. It wasn't until I graduated and I used massage to help her with some of her pain that she finally believed it was valuable (of course, it helped HER, so it was valuable). Getting her to understand that it was worthwhile was the biggest accomplishment because, well, you all know how difficult it is to get a BPD to believe anything you say. > > Once I graduated from massage school, I felt capable of taking on weight loss. It was all too much for me before. The idea of denying myself food was too scary, since it was my safety net for so many years. Now that I don't feel like I need a safety net, I'm not finding it all that difficult to get control over my food intake. In fact, there just aren't the emotions attached to food that I used to have. It's easier for me to bypass those chocolate chip cookies than it used to be because I don't feel anxious anymore if I decide not to have one. Now I feel strong if I choose to forgo them. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 22, 2011 Report Share Posted August 22, 2011 Hi Annie, I think it's great that you're taking a step back and having a good look at how your mother has affected your life. It's like having car trouble, stepping back from the car to see what has caused it to malfunction, and seeing a small, but very sharp tack in a tire. Easy to miss unless you step back. My weight and my mother (heck, both my parents) are definitely connected in my life. I was always a chubby kid, but I have to agree that those times when I was away from their clutches, their voice, their demands were when I looked my best! I think both of them, esp my mother, just depressed me, my lack of voice and saying what I really meant saddened me so much that I would eat to soothe and comfort myself. As far as her seeing your son, it's ultimately up to both your husband and yo u. You'd said " I'm sure that at some point my mother is going to insist that she see my children and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that. " You can do what you want to. Lie, make excuses, tell her the truth, whatever it takes to protect him from her lack of respect. I am so much like you: I dread my mother's pronouncements and demands and in the past, I felt like I had to jump to my feet to carry them out. You love your son, that's evident and you wouldn't let someone you just met treat him with disrespect and disdain; much less should that be from your mother. It took my mother speaking very nastily to my 6 year old (about something she was eating, of course; back to food/weight issues) for me to put my foot down. I no longer allow her to see my daughter alone. I visited with her with my kids for the first time in about a month. One hour visit, I stayed the whole time. Best wishes!! I think your new realization about your mother is going to lead to healing and weight loss for you. fiona > > Thanks for several of your emails/posts over the last couple of days as I've been coming to terms with my mom's undiagnosed BPD. I still can't bring myself to call her my nada because I'm so emotionally attached still. I realize this morning that I'm in shock after realizing that my mom has BPD. My husband has thought so for years, but I wasn't ready to handle it. > > Since getting stronger over the last few years, I'm finally coming to terms with it, but there's no denying that I'm very confuzzled about it all. In fact, I'm feeling a bit numb. I suppose that's a normal reaction at first. I've already had years and years of therapy, long before all of this, but now it's all starting to make sense why I experienced my first depressive episode at age 7. > > I had a bit of a realization yesterday, with the help of my husband. > > - I was a skinny child but became fat, starting at about age 7 when my mom quit her job and became a full-time mom. > > - At age 13, when I started puberty and started arguing against her for what I believed in, I lost all my weight and was a skinny teenager. > > - At age 17, after fighting with her for years, and after giving up some of the control over my own choices because I got tired of fighting, I gained weight again. Two events come distinctly to mind. > > 1. She berated me about having sex with my boyfriend and convinced me I needed to go to confession to tell the priest about it. After many, many arguments, I finally relented and spent the whole confession in tears. I left feeling ashamed and haven't been back to confession since then. I also left the Catholic church after that. It was used as a weapon against me and I don't think I'll ever see my way back. > > 2. She berated me about the same boyfriend, telling me he wasn't good enough for me, until I finally left him (even though I wasn't ready). I continued having an on-again-off-again relationship with him, fantasizing about our lives together and believing I was still in love with him, even after getting married and having children. It took me about 15 years to get over him. Fortunately, my husband fought for me and helped me realize he was a dud before I did anything too stupid. > > 3. Now that I live away from my parents and went back to massage school, I'm feeling stronger and stronger. Graduating from massage school was an accomplishment for me, not because it was difficult, but because it was something that was all mine. My mom didn't think it was worthwhile, in spite of the fact that she paid for the tuition. It wasn't until I graduated and I used massage to help her with some of her pain that she finally believed it was valuable (of course, it helped HER, so it was valuable). Getting her to understand that it was worthwhile was the biggest accomplishment because, well, you all know how difficult it is to get a BPD to believe anything you say. > > Once I graduated from massage school, I felt capable of taking on weight loss. It was all too much for me before. The idea of denying myself food was too scary, since it was my safety net for so many years. Now that I don't feel like I need a safety net, I'm not finding it all that difficult to get control over my food intake. In fact, there just aren't the emotions attached to food that I used to have. It's easier for me to bypass those chocolate chip cookies than it used to be because I don't feel anxious anymore if I decide not to have one. Now I feel strong if I choose to forgo them. > > Now, my major anxiety is about when my mom will try to reenter my life. The last time we had no contact, it was by her choice and lasted about five weeks. Then she sent me flowers but it was never discussed again except for her bringing up her own bad feelings about how I treated her. I'm sure that at some point my mother is going to insist that she see my children and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that. She doesn't treat my son with much respect 1. because he has autism and my mom can't handle his unpredictability, and 2. because he's a male and my mother has very little respect for anyone male unless he's a priest (which I'm sure is why my dad became a Catholic deacon, but that's another part of the story). > > I'm considering whether I want to try to see a therapist again. I'm not sure that it's worth the money because I know pretty much about how it's going to go. I have some good friends that I can generally use as a sounding board and, of course, I've now found this place. > > Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. It's helpful to tell my story and get it off my chest in a place where people finally understand and believe it. > > Hugs to all, > > Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 I had grown up with no weight issues till my early adulthood. I couldnt understand why year after year, I continually picked up weight and continued to do so until last year at age 45, I decided I had enough. I went into a weight management program and got my eating under control. I am not gaining anymore weight but being in your 40s, it becomes harder to lose the weight. I had to stop the weight gain or I would die as I started to get health problems. I have things under control and work towards losing more weight. However, I wonder on a daily basis what was causing this. I dont eat junk food and besides overdoing portion eating that may have attributed, what was causing me to overeat. I probably needed to do to bury my feelings of despair, inadequacy, low self esteem and whatever else was negative in my life as a result of having a BDP mother. I now do not have a need to eat so much as I have learned when to stop. But I also understand what got me here and I have the will to keep going to get myself healthy again. By the way, my mom berates me regularly on how I got this way and she is embarrassed to have me around her friends and makes excuses as to why I look the way I do. She says I have gained weight since I had my child (13 years ago!!!!). She doesnt like how this reflects on her negatively, not that she is concerned for a moment as to how I got here. I find it almost amusing. Ive lost 15 lbs so far and thrilled at the progress. Had a setback when my dad died this past December of losing anymore weight but have vowed to myself to get back on track. Chasi > > > > Thanks for several of your emails/posts over the last couple of days as I've been coming to terms with my mom's undiagnosed BPD. I still can't bring myself to call her my nada because I'm so emotionally attached still. I realize this morning that I'm in shock after realizing that my mom has BPD. My husband has thought so for years, but I wasn't ready to handle it. > > > > Since getting stronger over the last few years, I'm finally coming to terms with it, but there's no denying that I'm very confuzzled about it all. In fact, I'm feeling a bit numb. I suppose that's a normal reaction at first. I've already had years and years of therapy, long before all of this, but now it's all starting to make sense why I experienced my first depressive episode at age 7. > > > > I had a bit of a realization yesterday, with the help of my husband. > > > > - I was a skinny child but became fat, starting at about age 7 when my mom quit her job and became a full-time mom. > > > > - At age 13, when I started puberty and started arguing against her for what I believed in, I lost all my weight and was a skinny teenager. > > > > - At age 17, after fighting with her for years, and after giving up some of the control over my own choices because I got tired of fighting, I gained weight again. Two events come distinctly to mind. > > > > 1. She berated me about having sex with my boyfriend and convinced me I needed to go to confession to tell the priest about it. After many, many arguments, I finally relented and spent the whole confession in tears. I left feeling ashamed and haven't been back to confession since then. I also left the Catholic church after that. It was used as a weapon against me and I don't think I'll ever see my way back. > > > > 2. She berated me about the same boyfriend, telling me he wasn't good enough for me, until I finally left him (even though I wasn't ready). I continued having an on-again-off-again relationship with him, fantasizing about our lives together and believing I was still in love with him, even after getting married and having children. It took me about 15 years to get over him. Fortunately, my husband fought for me and helped me realize he was a dud before I did anything too stupid. > > > > 3. Now that I live away from my parents and went back to massage school, I'm feeling stronger and stronger. Graduating from massage school was an accomplishment for me, not because it was difficult, but because it was something that was all mine. My mom didn't think it was worthwhile, in spite of the fact that she paid for the tuition. It wasn't until I graduated and I used massage to help her with some of her pain that she finally believed it was valuable (of course, it helped HER, so it was valuable). Getting her to understand that it was worthwhile was the biggest accomplishment because, well, you all know how difficult it is to get a BPD to believe anything you say. > > > > Once I graduated from massage school, I felt capable of taking on weight loss. It was all too much for me before. The idea of denying myself food was too scary, since it was my safety net for so many years. Now that I don't feel like I need a safety net, I'm not finding it all that difficult to get control over my food intake. In fact, there just aren't the emotions attached to food that I used to have. It's easier for me to bypass those chocolate chip cookies than it used to be because I don't feel anxious anymore if I decide not to have one. Now I feel strong if I choose to forgo them. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Good grief. I wish they would learn THAT ITS NOT ALL ABT THEM. > > > > > > Thanks for several of your emails/posts over the last couple of days as I've been coming to terms with my mom's undiagnosed BPD. I still can't bring myself to call her my nada because I'm so emotionally attached still. I realize this morning that I'm in shock after realizing that my mom has BPD. My husband has thought so for years, but I wasn't ready to handle it. > > > > > > Since getting stronger over the last few years, I'm finally coming to terms with it, but there's no denying that I'm very confuzzled about it all. In fact, I'm feeling a bit numb. I suppose that's a normal reaction at first. I've already had years and years of therapy, long before all of this, but now it's all starting to make sense why I experienced my first depressive episode at age 7. > > > > > > I had a bit of a realization yesterday, with the help of my husband. > > > > > > - I was a skinny child but became fat, starting at about age 7 when my mom quit her job and became a full-time mom. > > > > > > - At age 13, when I started puberty and started arguing against her for what I believed in, I lost all my weight and was a skinny teenager. > > > > > > - At age 17, after fighting with her for years, and after giving up some of the control over my own choices because I got tired of fighting, I gained weight again. Two events come distinctly to mind. > > > > > > 1. She berated me about having sex with my boyfriend and convinced me I needed to go to confession to tell the priest about it. After many, many arguments, I finally relented and spent the whole confession in tears. I left feeling ashamed and haven't been back to confession since then. I also left the Catholic church after that. It was used as a weapon against me and I don't think I'll ever see my way back. > > > > > > 2. She berated me about the same boyfriend, telling me he wasn't good enough for me, until I finally left him (even though I wasn't ready). I continued having an on-again-off-again relationship with him, fantasizing about our lives together and believing I was still in love with him, even after getting married and having children. It took me about 15 years to get over him. Fortunately, my husband fought for me and helped me realize he was a dud before I did anything too stupid. > > > > > > 3. Now that I live away from my parents and went back to massage school, I'm feeling stronger and stronger. Graduating from massage school was an accomplishment for me, not because it was difficult, but because it was something that was all mine. My mom didn't think it was worthwhile, in spite of the fact that she paid for the tuition. It wasn't until I graduated and I used massage to help her with some of her pain that she finally believed it was valuable (of course, it helped HER, so it was valuable). Getting her to understand that it was worthwhile was the biggest accomplishment because, well, you all know how difficult it is to get a BPD to believe anything you say. > > > > > > Once I graduated from massage school, I felt capable of taking on weight loss. It was all too much for me before. The idea of denying myself food was too scary, since it was my safety net for so many years. Now that I don't feel like I need a safety net, I'm not finding it all that difficult to get control over my food intake. In fact, there just aren't the emotions attached to food that I used to have. It's easier for me to bypass those chocolate chip cookies than it used to be because I don't feel anxious anymore if I decide not to have one. Now I feel strong if I choose to forgo them. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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