suddenly don't know what I'm doing

[Guest guest]

Hi, I suddenly find I'm not sure what to do any more. I've been living at home

for the past while NC with my bpd father and with my mum and other family,

partly because I've not been in great health.

Yesterday my father was in a rage again and after shouting at my mum came and

did this thing where he was standing in front of me trying to stare into my eyes

and challenge me to stop being NC I guess. It really freaked me out I guess,

partly because I was punched by him last year and bore the mark for two months

and I was scared he would do it again.

I suddenly don't know what I'm doing and I don't know if I'll just have to leave

home because I just feel like the last straw might have been reached. The thing

that really bothers me is that I really want the rest of the family but how can

I be close to them if I can't bear to be at home with my father there. I always

dread coming home if I've been away because of the awful atmosphere he makes but

I have a strong need for the people I'm close to and though I have lived away

from home I find coping on my own very difficult and lonely often. I dont really

feel much sense of belonging in the part of the country where I live and

wouldn't have much reason for living here if I wasn't at home.

I suddenly feel very lost and hopeless and quite desperate actually. I've been

crying and in a state since it happened yesterday and I guess I feel like my

father has eventually won and managed to take even the only place with the

people I care about away from me. I feel really depressed and hopeless and kind

of despairing actually.

It worries me the awful states I get into and how easily I feel like life is the

most awful hopeless thing ever. I keep thinking maybe I should never have

children because how can I be a good mother if I'm so unstable. My father spent

a lot of my childhood in an awful state and it was terrible. I've had a lot of

deppression since I was 10 and when I got to my later teens I had a real

struggle not to become addicted to alchol and self harming. I spent a lot of my

life in total denial and thought my father was a great guy and I was crazy with

a lot of problems. I'm still really worried that there is something kind of

crazy about me. I had a nervous breakdown last year as a result of all the

struggling with pain and denial and had to come to terms with a lot of truths I

was avoiding. I thought when I'd been through things and come to terms with them

a bit I would start to feel well as I havn't done since I was a child but here I

am in a state again, I don't know how to cope and I'm starting to be afraid that

there is no real healing from this.

I have such a low self esteem a lot of the time and I feel so constantly guilty

about things and like I'm a useless person. I'm 25 and I've not done a whole lot

of things so far partly because I've had to deal with a lot of depression and

also because I have so little self confidence and feel like I'm useless if I

don't do everthing perfectly.

I'm so afraid of having to live by myself and have to struggle with loneliness

and being in a bad state but I don't see the point of going crazy here either.

I get so angry that not only did I have to go NC with my father just to survive

when after all he was supposed to look after me but he resents the fact that I'm

doing it despite the fact that I think I might have gone crazy or killed myself

if I'd tried to cope with him much longer. Aperently he thinks I'm being

aggressive and says the reason he gets in a state now is because me and my

sister won't speak to him. Like he didn't always have some reason why he was

crazy.