Rude Awakening.................

[Guest guest]

This is my first post.

I am a 46 years old - wife and mother of one son. My father recently passed

away of cancer this past December after years of health issues. I worried most

of my adult life that my father would leave this world before my mother and I

would be 'stuck' with her. Well my nightmare came true and here she is in my

home for last 8 months.

I did everything I could to be a devoted daughter and cared for her and nursed

her back to health so she should could move on. Afterall, she lost my father

and they had been together 47 years. But some months into it, something didnt

seem right. I was seeing behaviors that I remembered as a young girl living at

home that hadn't gone away. I didnt understand it then as I was too young, just

thought I could never do anything right to please my mother and sitll thought so

up till now. You truly dont know someone till you spend 24/7 with them.

I went to counseling to deal with my new situation as I didnt want all this

stress to explode onto my family. I started picking up books and one thing lead

me to another and bingo, I discovered there was a name for what my mother was -

BDP. After all these years of feeling low self esteem, inadequate, guilt over

lying to my mother because she could never deal with the truth, tension with my

brother because my mother always pitted us against each other. I watched her

berate each one of us while I lived at home and couldnt understand why. I never

knew when I walked in the house if she would be in a good mood or bad mood and

only hoped and prayed it was not the latter.

After moving away from her for 17 years, I sitll had the wrath of my mother by

phone. I cirnged almost every time she called because again, I never knew if

the phone call would be good or bad. When it was a bad day and she would be

endlessly complaining about me and how the world was unfair to her, I would just

put the phone aside till she was done or accidentally hang up as if the call got

disconnected. I realized in my 30s I could do nothing to make her happy and

just went numb.

I visited my parents who had lived 2,000 miles away for the sake of my father as

I loved him so and was willing to put up with her behaviors. I found myself

crying every time I was there and afterwards. It wasnt till now that I realized

what she had and why she behaved the way she did. She did suffer quite a bit of

trauma when she was a child and into her young adulthood. I alway knew that and

that helped me to 'deal' with her as I empathized with her. I continued to put

up with the verbal abuse anyways.

So where am I now? I ask myself, if it were my mother that passed away before

my father, the secret would have died with her and we (my brother and I) would

have never known how to move on with our lives. It has been a mixed blessing to

have her here with me. I hope to get her help but not sure if its too late for

her. But at least for my brother and I, we have a chance at mending ou

relationship and hope we can give each other support going forward and getting

the help we need so that we do not pass it onto our children.

I feel my brother may have bipolar disorder so I plan to get him help after I

get my mother help she desperately needs. She has a terrible fear of being

alone and now I know why as this is part of BP and my father was the fix before.

I often wonder why my father put up with her but he might of needed her just as

much as she needed him and dealt with her unfavorable ways. I was angry at

first why he didnt see that she had mental issues and could have gotten her help

but their generation, they dont believe in that stuff.

I am coming to terms with everything and have a better understanding too of why

I am the way I am. I am slowly forgiving myself and getting the attention I

need to address my issues as a result of coming from a BDP mother.

I get now why God sent her my way.

Thanks for your posts out there and letting me know Im not alone...

Signed,

C hasi

[Guest guest]

Welcome!! Glad you are here. i think god sent her to you so that you would

learn you had the courage, power and wisdom to send her away and then your

real life would begin. Sometimes I think of it as my " afterlife. " XOXO

> **

>

>

> So what's your conclusion for why God assigned you to her? I have yet to

> figure that one out for myself. Great description of my mom too, by the way.

> I feel your pain.

>

> Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > This is my first post.

> >

> > I am a 46 years old - wife and mother of one son. My father recently

> passed away of cancer this past December after years of health issues. I

> worried most of my adult life that my father would leave this world before

> my mother and I would be 'stuck' with her. Well my nightmare came true and

> here she is in my home for last 8 months.

> >

> > I did everything I could to be a devoted daughter and cared for her and

> nursed her back to health so she should could move on. Afterall, she lost my

> father and they had been together 47 years. But some months into it,

> something didnt seem right. I was seeing behaviors that I remembered as a

> young girl living at home that hadn't gone away. I didnt understand it then

> as I was too young, just thought I could never do anything right to please

> my mother and sitll thought so up till now. You truly dont know someone till

> you spend 24/7 with them.

> >

> > I went to counseling to deal with my new situation as I didnt want all

> this stress to explode onto my family. I started picking up books and one

> thing lead me to another and bingo, I discovered there was a name for what

> my mother was - BDP. After all these years of feeling low self esteem,

> inadequate, guilt over lying to my mother because she could never deal with

> the truth, tension with my brother because my mother always pitted us

> against each other. I watched her berate each one of us while I lived at

> home and couldnt understand why. I never knew when I walked in the house if

> she would be in a good mood or bad mood and only hoped and prayed it was not

> the latter.

> >

> > After moving away from her for 17 years, I sitll had the wrath of my

> mother by phone. I cirnged almost every time she called because again, I

> never knew if the phone call would be good or bad. When it was a bad day and

> she would be endlessly complaining about me and how the world was unfair to

> her, I would just put the phone aside till she was done or accidentally hang

> up as if the call got disconnected. I realized in my 30s I could do nothing

> to make her happy and just went numb.

> >

> > I visited my parents who had lived 2,000 miles away for the sake of my

> father as I loved him so and was willing to put up with her behaviors. I

> found myself crying every time I was there and afterwards. It wasnt till now

> that I realized what she had and why she behaved the way she did. She did

> suffer quite a bit of trauma when she was a child and into her young

> adulthood. I alway knew that and that helped me to 'deal' with her as I

> empathized with her. I continued to put up with the verbal abuse anyways.

> >

> > So where am I now? I ask myself, if it were my mother that passed away

> before my father, the secret would have died with her and we (my brother and

> I) would have never known how to move on with our lives. It has been a mixed

> blessing to have her here with me. I hope to get her help but not sure if

> its too late for her. But at least for my brother and I, we have a chance at

> mending ou relationship and hope we can give each other support going

> forward and getting the help we need so that we do not pass it onto our

> children.

> >

> > I feel my brother may have bipolar disorder so I plan to get him help

> after I get my mother help she desperately needs. She has a terrible fear of

> being alone and now I know why as this is part of BP and my father was the

> fix before. I often wonder why my father put up with her but he might of

> needed her just as much as she needed him and dealt with her unfavorable

> ways. I was angry at first why he didnt see that she had mental issues and

> could have gotten her help but their generation, they dont believe in that

> stuff.

> >

> > I am coming to terms with everything and have a better understanding too

> of why I am the way I am. I am slowly forgiving myself and getting the

> attention I need to address my issues as a result of coming from a BDP

> mother.

> >

> > I get now why God sent her my way.

> >

> > Thanks for your posts out there and letting me know Im not alone...

> >

> > Signed,

> > C hasi

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Chasi,

Welcome. You are not the only one who discovered their mom has BPD when they

were middle aged and after their dad died. And I agree, it is a rude awakening!

I give you such credit to have her living with you during this time. I visit my

mom weekly and call her now about every 3 days and that is about all I can do. I

too sometimes wonder how my dad put up with my mom for so long. They were

married 50+ years. I also think that that generation just beleived in standing

by one another and fixing things themselves - certianly no therapy. I also do

not have a great relationship with my siblings. On the surface we do, for the

outside world to see, but really we are quite distant. Only distant in a strange

way.....not sure I can explain this, but I really love my sisters but there is

this sibling rivalry I am guessing it is - where I feel there is this lack of

deep trust and one upmanship going on. I would trust them on many levels, but

there is sense of competition that eludes me. I find it very distastful and

tend to pull back so I am the distant one. One I talk to monthly and although we

are as different as night and day - we are pretty okay with boundries because we

don't see on another much and both like our space. The other there is unspoken

tension. She is really attached to our mother and when they get togehter it can

be like " mean girls " . I try and spend time one on one with mom and when we do

get together as a whole family I limit the time. My mom certianly favors her as

she feeds into her every whim and I beleive it is called, is emeshed with her. I

worry about my sibling as much as my mom. She has two kids who we adore and they

adore us and they even comment to us about how much my sister makes them go see

their grandmother, etc. and she is overall very controlling of them. I feel she

has a hard time with them being beautiful teenage girls. She is perhaps NP.

Also, Mom is rather critical of my husband at times and I do not like to have

him exposed to that, nor does he. NOt sure why she is like this now - used to be

fine with him. As you know it doesn't always make sense. If I had to guess I

would say she has split her view of her sons in law and my husband is the bad

one and my siblings is the good one. The irony of that is that my husband is

true blue to my mom and always has been and my BIL is rather a grouch and yells

at his kids and my sibling sometimes, and it just doesn't make sense to me - but

he does " do " a lot for my mom as he and my sibling own property near my parents

- even though he is miserable. Weird, but in a way it does make sense - it is

all about her. Also - my mom is very protective of my sibling and her husband

and gushes over them to the point of nauseating. Defiantely something off there.

I am glad not to be emeshed in it but can't quite do NC, trying to make it work

and finding it all rather nuts.

>

> This is my first post.

>

> I am a 46 years old - wife and mother of one son. My father recently passed

away of cancer this past December after years of health issues. I worried most

of my adult life that my father would leave this world before my mother and I

would be 'stuck' with her. Well my nightmare came true and here she is in my

home for last 8 months.

>

> I did everything I could to be a devoted daughter and cared for her and nursed

her back to health so she should could move on. Afterall, she lost my father

and they had been together 47 years. But some months into it, something didnt

seem right. I was seeing behaviors that I remembered as a young girl living at

home that hadn't gone away. I didnt understand it then as I was too young, just

thought I could never do anything right to please my mother and sitll thought so

up till now. You truly dont know someone till you spend 24/7 with them.

>

> I went to counseling to deal with my new situation as I didnt want all this

stress to explode onto my family. I started picking up books and one thing lead

me to another and bingo, I discovered there was a name for what my mother was -

BDP. After all these years of feeling low self esteem, inadequate, guilt over

lying to my mother because she could never deal with the truth, tension with my

brother because my mother always pitted us against each other. I watched her

berate each one of us while I lived at home and couldnt understand why. I never

knew when I walked in the house if she would be in a good mood or bad mood and

only hoped and prayed it was not the latter.

>

> After moving away from her for 17 years, I sitll had the wrath of my mother by

phone. I cirnged almost every time she called because again, I never knew if

the phone call would be good or bad. When it was a bad day and she would be

endlessly complaining about me and how the world was unfair to her, I would just

put the phone aside till she was done or accidentally hang up as if the call got

disconnected. I realized in my 30s I could do nothing to make her happy and

just went numb.

>

> I visited my parents who had lived 2,000 miles away for the sake of my father

as I loved him so and was willing to put up with her behaviors. I found myself

crying every time I was there and afterwards. It wasnt till now that I realized

what she had and why she behaved the way she did. She did suffer quite a bit of

trauma when she was a child and into her young adulthood. I alway knew that and

that helped me to 'deal' with her as I empathized with her. I continued to put

up with the verbal abuse anyways.

>

> So where am I now? I ask myself, if it were my mother that passed away before

my father, the secret would have died with her and we (my brother and I) would

have never known how to move on with our lives. It has been a mixed blessing to

have her here with me. I hope to get her help but not sure if its too late for

her. But at least for my brother and I, we have a chance at mending ou

relationship and hope we can give each other support going forward and getting

the help we need so that we do not pass it onto our children.

>

> I feel my brother may have bipolar disorder so I plan to get him help after I

get my mother help she desperately needs. She has a terrible fear of being

alone and now I know why as this is part of BP and my father was the fix before.

I often wonder why my father put up with her but he might of needed her just as

much as she needed him and dealt with her unfavorable ways. I was angry at

first why he didnt see that she had mental issues and could have gotten her help

but their generation, they dont believe in that stuff.

>

> I am coming to terms with everything and have a better understanding too of

why I am the way I am. I am slowly forgiving myself and getting the attention I

need to address my issues as a result of coming from a BDP mother.

>

> I get now why God sent her my way.

>

> Thanks for your posts out there and letting me know Im not alone...

>

> Signed,

> C hasi

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Chasi,

I'm sorry about your dad's passing. It sounds like you were very close to him. I

know how hard that is.

Although I wasn't as close to my dad as you were to yours, our situations are a

lot alike. After my dad died, my mother had to learn to write checks. Her first

one was to the funeral home. We had to walk her though everything. I felt that

I'd inherited another child. She really has come a long way. I can only imagine

how hard it's been for her (she lives alone). But after 2 years of doing

everything for her (including adjusting her apt temperature and teaching her to

use her air conditioner), I just snapped. I could not deal with her neediness

and on top of that, her negativity and Eeyore-like personality. It was

depressing me.

Like your mother, mine is terrified of being alone -- and yet she refuses to do

anything socially with the friends she's made at her job. When they invite her

out, she won't go; when they invite her to their homes, she won't go. She also

won't have anyone over. She only wants me and my brother. That's it. Even my

husband is a toss-up. She has very hermity characteristics. If not for her job,

I'm sure she would be a total hermit.

I'm so glad you're receiving counseling. It sounds like you've been doing a lot

of giving to your family and I'm happy you're taking care of yourself, too.

Fiona

>

> This is my first post.

>

> I am a 46 years old - wife and mother of one son. My father recently passed

away of cancer this past December after years of health issues. I worried most

of my adult life that my father would leave this world before my mother and I

would be 'stuck' with her. Well my nightmare came true and here she is in my

home for last 8 months.

>

> I did everything I could to be a devoted daughter and cared for her and nursed

her back to health so she should could move on. Afterall, she lost my father

and they had been together 47 years. But some months into it, something didnt

seem right. I was seeing behaviors that I remembered as a young girl living at

home that hadn't gone away. I didnt understand it then as I was too young, just

thought I could never do anything right to please my mother and sitll thought so

up till now. You truly dont know someone till you spend 24/7 with them.

>

> I went to counseling to deal with my new situation as I didnt want all this

stress to explode onto my family. I started picking up books and one thing lead

me to another and bingo, I discovered there was a name for what my mother was -

BDP. After all these years of feeling low self esteem, inadequate, guilt over

lying to my mother because she could never deal with the truth, tension with my

brother because my mother always pitted us against each other. I watched her

berate each one of us while I lived at home and couldnt understand why. I never

knew when I walked in the house if she would be in a good mood or bad mood and

only hoped and prayed it was not the latter.

>

> After moving away from her for 17 years, I sitll had the wrath of my mother by

phone. I cirnged almost every time she called because again, I never knew if

the phone call would be good or bad. When it was a bad day and she would be

endlessly complaining about me and how the world was unfair to her, I would just

put the phone aside till she was done or accidentally hang up as if the call got

disconnected. I realized in my 30s I could do nothing to make her happy and

just went numb.

>

> I visited my parents who had lived 2,000 miles away for the sake of my father

as I loved him so and was willing to put up with her behaviors. I found myself

crying every time I was there and afterwards. It wasnt till now that I realized

what she had and why she behaved the way she did. She did suffer quite a bit of

trauma when she was a child and into her young adulthood. I alway knew that and

that helped me to 'deal' with her as I empathized with her. I continued to put

up with the verbal abuse anyways.

>

> So where am I now? I ask myself, if it were my mother that passed away before

my father, the secret would have died with her and we (my brother and I) would

have never known how to move on with our lives. It has been a mixed blessing to

have her here with me. I hope to get her help but not sure if its too late for

her. But at least for my brother and I, we have a chance at mending ou

relationship and hope we can give each other support going forward and getting

the help we need so that we do not pass it onto our children.

>

> I feel my brother may have bipolar disorder so I plan to get him help after I

get my mother help she desperately needs. She has a terrible fear of being

alone and now I know why as this is part of BP and my father was the fix before.

I often wonder why my father put up with her but he might of needed her just as

much as she needed him and dealt with her unfavorable ways. I was angry at

first why he didnt see that she had mental issues and could have gotten her help

but their generation, they dont believe in that stuff.

>

> I am coming to terms with everything and have a better understanding too of

why I am the way I am. I am slowly forgiving myself and getting the attention I

need to address my issues as a result of coming from a BDP mother.

>

> I get now why God sent her my way.

>

> Thanks for your posts out there and letting me know Im not alone...

>

> Signed,

> C hasi

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Fiona,

My mother goes in waves. When she is depressed, she goes into hermit mode and

doesnt want to talk or see anyone. I guess if anyone is depressed, this is

typical so your mom could be very depressed. I got mine to the psychiatrist to

get her some help and they have meds now to help you out of your funk. This may

give her some motivation to enjoy life again. I also found a website

info@... where you can sign up for people who have similar things in

common to get together. So for instance, women who have lost their spouses,

they get together as this their common bond and are able to relate. You just

have to locate one in your area off this website. They say volunteering to

charities help them to see how others have it worse and will help them to heal

as well. I have spoken to one of the coordinators of one of these meetup groups

and she told me, you do snap out of it one day from the depression of losing

your loved one but it just takes time. But for us, its a little more

complainted of course with BDP parent. Make sure you are taking care of

yourself most importantly!!!!

> >

> > This is my first post.

> >

> > I am a 46 years old - wife and mother of one son. My father recently passed

away of cancer this past December after years of health issues. I worried most

of my adult life that my father would leave this world before my mother and I

would be 'stuck' with her. Well my nightmare came true and here she is in my

home for last 8 months.

> >

> > I did everything I could to be a devoted daughter and cared for her and

nursed her back to health so she should could move on. Afterall, she lost my

father and they had been together 47 years. But some months into it, something

didnt seem right. I was seeing behaviors that I remembered as a young girl

living at home that hadn't gone away. I didnt understand it then as I was too

young, just thought I could never do anything right to please my mother and

sitll thought so up till now. You truly dont know someone till you spend 24/7

with them.

> >

> > I went to counseling to deal with my new situation as I didnt want all this

stress to explode onto my family. I started picking up books and one thing lead

me to another and bingo, I discovered there was a name for what my mother was -

BDP. After all these years of feeling low self esteem, inadequate, guilt over

lying to my mother because she could never deal with the truth, tension with my

brother because my mother always pitted us against each other. I watched her

berate each one of us while I lived at home and couldnt understand why. I never

knew when I walked in the house if she would be in a good mood or bad mood and

only hoped and prayed it was not the latter.

> >

> > After moving away from her for 17 years, I sitll had the wrath of my mother

by phone. I cirnged almost every time she called because again, I never knew if

the phone call would be good or bad. When it was a bad day and she would be

endlessly complaining about me and how the world was unfair to her, I would just

put the phone aside till she was done or accidentally hang up as if the call got

disconnected. I realized in my 30s I could do nothing to make her happy and

just went numb.

> >

> > I visited my parents who had lived 2,000 miles away for the sake of my

father as I loved him so and was willing to put up with her behaviors. I found

myself crying every time I was there and afterwards. It wasnt till now that I

realized what she had and why she behaved the way she did. She did suffer quite

a bit of trauma when she was a child and into her young adulthood. I alway knew

that and that helped me to 'deal' with her as I empathized with her. I

continued to put up with the verbal abuse anyways.

> >

> > So where am I now? I ask myself, if it were my mother that passed away

before my father, the secret would have died with her and we (my brother and I)

would have never known how to move on with our lives. It has been a mixed

blessing to have her here with me. I hope to get her help but not sure if its

too late for her. But at least for my brother and I, we have a chance at

mending ou relationship and hope we can give each other support going forward

and getting the help we need so that we do not pass it onto our children.

> >

> > I feel my brother may have bipolar disorder so I plan to get him help after

I get my mother help she desperately needs. She has a terrible fear of being

alone and now I know why as this is part of BP and my father was the fix before.

I often wonder why my father put up with her but he might of needed her just as

much as she needed him and dealt with her unfavorable ways. I was angry at

first why he didnt see that she had mental issues and could have gotten her help

but their generation, they dont believe in that stuff.

> >

> > I am coming to terms with everything and have a better understanding too of

why I am the way I am. I am slowly forgiving myself and getting the attention I

need to address my issues as a result of coming from a BDP mother.

> >

> > I get now why God sent her my way.

> >

> > Thanks for your posts out there and letting me know Im not alone...

> >

> > Signed,

> > C hasi

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

Thanks for your post.

Do you want a relationship with your siblings? I havent had one with my only

sibling for over 17 years because I was constantly angry with him for staying

away. It wasnt till recently I understood why. I never blamed him for staying

away because I wish I could have done the same but he was suffering like I was

over our mother with her constant verbal abuse. I made the decision to stop

being angry because I had to believe he went thru the same pain that I did

growing up. There is 5 year difference, me being the older sibling and so we

didnt have too much in common growing up as we were in different phases in our

lives. I recently went to him with open arms and advised him of what Ive

learned about our mother and the pain I have been thru. He in turn, opened up

about his pain and we hope to move forward from this as we have something in

common - strange enough. Its a risk to try and reach out to someone and get

rejected but hopefully this gives you some inspiration.

I feel guilt and remorse now for not being able to know this about her early on

that I could have protected my brother from the abuse. She use to pit us

against each other and still does it today. No wonder we couldnt get along as

siblings. I suppose normal mothers dont do that to their children, I will never

know.

I know what you mean about keeping your mother away from your husband. For

years, I never told half of the phone calls I had with my mother because I was

exhausted from it and maybe now thinking back, I should have shared some of it

with him. I had kept it to myself because I was so ashamed of my mother and her

actions. I didnt want my husband to think he married into a crazy family. Im

worried about the exposure right now with my son who recently became a teenager.

For the most part, he doesnt talk right now to anyone as he is being a 'typical'

teenager so there is not much interaction between him and grandma.

Chasi

> >

> > This is my first post.

> >

> > I am a 46 years old - wife and mother of one son. My father recently passed

away of cancer this past December after years of health issues. I worried most

of my adult life that my father would leave this world before my mother and I

would be 'stuck' with her. Well my nightmare came true and here she is in my

home for last 8 months.

> >

> > I did everything I could to be a devoted daughter and cared for her and

nursed her back to health so she should could move on. Afterall, she lost my

father and they had been together 47 years. But some months into it, something

didnt seem right. I was seeing behaviors that I remembered as a young girl

living at home that hadn't gone away. I didnt understand it then as I was too

young, just thought I could never do anything right to please my mother and

sitll thought so up till now. You truly dont know someone till you spend 24/7

with them.

> >

> > I went to counseling to deal with my new situation as I didnt want all this

stress to explode onto my family. I started picking up books and one thing lead

me to another and bingo, I discovered there was a name for what my mother was -

BDP. After all these years of feeling low self esteem, inadequate, guilt over

lying to my mother because she could never deal with the truth, tension with my

brother because my mother always pitted us against each other. I watched her

berate each one of us while I lived at home and couldnt understand why. I never

knew when I walked in the house if she would be in a good mood or bad mood and

only hoped and prayed it was not the latter.

> >

> > After moving away from her for 17 years, I sitll had the wrath of my mother

by phone. I cirnged almost every time she called because again, I never knew if

the phone call would be good or bad. When it was a bad day and she would be

endlessly complaining about me and how the world was unfair to her, I would just

put the phone aside till she was done or accidentally hang up as if the call got

disconnected. I realized in my 30s I could do nothing to make her happy and

just went numb.

> >

> > I visited my parents who had lived 2,000 miles away for the sake of my

father as I loved him so and was willing to put up with her behaviors. I found

myself crying every time I was there and afterwards. It wasnt till now that I

realized what she had and why she behaved the way she did. She did suffer quite

a bit of trauma when she was a child and into her young adulthood. I alway knew

that and that helped me to 'deal' with her as I empathized with her. I

continued to put up with the verbal abuse anyways.

> >

> > So where am I now? I ask myself, if it were my mother that passed away

before my father, the secret would have died with her and we (my brother and I)

would have never known how to move on with our lives. It has been a mixed

blessing to have her here with me. I hope to get her help but not sure if its

too late for her. But at least for my brother and I, we have a chance at

mending ou relationship and hope we can give each other support going forward

and getting the help we need so that we do not pass it onto our children.

> >

> > I feel my brother may have bipolar disorder so I plan to get him help after

I get my mother help she desperately needs. She has a terrible fear of being

alone and now I know why as this is part of BP and my father was the fix before.

I often wonder why my father put up with her but he might of needed her just as

much as she needed him and dealt with her unfavorable ways. I was angry at

first why he didnt see that she had mental issues and could have gotten her help

but their generation, they dont believe in that stuff.

> >

> > I am coming to terms with everything and have a better understanding too of

why I am the way I am. I am slowly forgiving myself and getting the attention I

need to address my issues as a result of coming from a BDP mother.

> >

> > I get now why God sent her my way.

> >

> > Thanks for your posts out there and letting me know Im not alone...

> >

> > Signed,

> > C hasi

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Good question. Yes I do, but it's complicated. My older sibling did what your

brother did, removed herself for like 20+ years for the most part. I didn't get

it, blamed her for some of our families problems as she chose a very self

destructive lifestyle that was embarassing to the rest of us sometimes. Now I

know a lot of that " escaping " was due to mom's BPD. I have come to the

realization that she probably got it the worse. I might be able to talk to her

someday about it but she is really emeshed with mom now and they are like

girlfriends so she probably would just feel torn. I am not sure. Plus there is

the reality that her reality (perceptions) are very different from mine a lot of

the time and I find she often gets what I tell her mixed up on the retelling, or

tells people I am surprised she tells, etc. bottom line is I can't trust her.

But she has had a tough life and is alone now so I would not walk away from her.

We have acknowledged our different ways of life and although very different do

love one another. We call one another to say hi, see one another once or twice a

year and our shared childhood is our connection. My younger sibling is extremely

competative and NP. She is very emeshed with our mom to such an extent that it

is hard to be around them together. Dad used to be the stabilizer and he and I

had a very good connection - even if we didn't agree on something or understand

on another - he was the sanity for me and mine. She now seems to be really

intense and stressed. I think it is extremely hard for her to be losing control

of her oldest who is moving out soon, dad dying and mom being alone. She spends

a lot of time with mom and make her kids also. She has all but told me I don't

spend enough time with mom. She overdoes everything, and insinuates herself into

the middle of everything. Obnoxious! She and mom compliment one another to such

a degree it is funny to me now. I don't really know her I have finally realized

- I wonder if she knows herself - really. She comes off as all bold and

confident and capable but I often see her as insecure and needy. My kids and

hers are very close. Her kids adore my husband and I - not a popular thing. They

tell us our house is so relaxed and they can be themselves and say what they

think here. I would never want to lose our connection with them and do want my

sister to be happier. I don't own it but do what I can to be supportive and

stick to my boundries.

Thanks,

> > >

> > > This is my first post.

> > >

> > > I am a 46 years old - wife and mother of one son. My father recently

passed away of cancer this past December after years of health issues. I

worried most of my adult life that my father would leave this world before my

mother and I would be 'stuck' with her. Well my nightmare came true and here

she is in my home for last 8 months.

> > >

> > > I did everything I could to be a devoted daughter and cared for her and

nursed her back to health so she should could move on. Afterall, she lost my

father and they had been together 47 years. But some months into it, something

didnt seem right. I was seeing behaviors that I remembered as a young girl

living at home that hadn't gone away. I didnt understand it then as I was too

young, just thought I could never do anything right to please my mother and

sitll thought so up till now. You truly dont know someone till you spend 24/7

with them.

> > >

> > > I went to counseling to deal with my new situation as I didnt want all

this stress to explode onto my family. I started picking up books and one thing

lead me to another and bingo, I discovered there was a name for what my mother

was - BDP. After all these years of feeling low self esteem, inadequate, guilt

over lying to my mother because she could never deal with the truth, tension

with my brother because my mother always pitted us against each other. I

watched her berate each one of us while I lived at home and couldnt understand

why. I never knew when I walked in the house if she would be in a good mood or

bad mood and only hoped and prayed it was not the latter.

> > >

> > > After moving away from her for 17 years, I sitll had the wrath of my

mother by phone. I cirnged almost every time she called because again, I never

knew if the phone call would be good or bad. When it was a bad day and she would

be endlessly complaining about me and how the world was unfair to her, I would

just put the phone aside till she was done or accidentally hang up as if the

call got disconnected. I realized in my 30s I could do nothing to make her

happy and just went numb.

> > >

> > > I visited my parents who had lived 2,000 miles away for the sake of my

father as I loved him so and was willing to put up with her behaviors. I found

myself crying every time I was there and afterwards. It wasnt till now that I

realized what she had and why she behaved the way she did. She did suffer quite

a bit of trauma when she was a child and into her young adulthood. I alway knew

that and that helped me to 'deal' with her as I empathized with her. I

continued to put up with the verbal abuse anyways.

> > >

> > > So where am I now? I ask myself, if it were my mother that passed away

before my father, the secret would have died with her and we (my brother and I)

would have never known how to move on with our lives. It has been a mixed

blessing to have her here with me. I hope to get her help but not sure if its

too late for her. But at least for my brother and I, we have a chance at

mending ou relationship and hope we can give each other support going forward

and getting the help we need so that we do not pass it onto our children.

> > >

> > > I feel my brother may have bipolar disorder so I plan to get him help

after I get my mother help she desperately needs. She has a terrible fear of

being alone and now I know why as this is part of BP and my father was the fix

before. I often wonder why my father put up with her but he might of needed her

just as much as she needed him and dealt with her unfavorable ways. I was angry

at first why he didnt see that she had mental issues and could have gotten her

help but their generation, they dont believe in that stuff.

> > >

> > > I am coming to terms with everything and have a better understanding too

of why I am the way I am. I am slowly forgiving myself and getting the

attention I need to address my issues as a result of coming from a BDP mother.

> > >

> > > I get now why God sent her my way.

> > >

> > > Thanks for your posts out there and letting me know Im not alone...

> > >

> > > Signed,

> > > C hasi

> > >

> >

>