Re: Still in shock - XYZ12340

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" I was emeshed with my mom and after recently trying to set a new boundary of

only talking on the phone once a week the same time every day, she of course

wasn't receptive too. I find I miss her insanity after only two days. "

XYZ, same here! Doing the once a week phone thing has been very, very tough.

I've been at it about a month. The first week was fine. The second week she got

sick so she called me a couple of times and I called her to check on her. The

third week she had laundry needing to be taken out.

Yesterday, I visited her, she's still not sleeping well and her AC has been

having a very minor problem that she has mushroomed, naturally. I don't plan on

calling her but I know she expects me to call to see if she's slept, how her

first day back at work was, how is your AC, etc? It's weird, I put so much

effort into this once a week thing and spend just as much time wondering what

she's thinking about it.

I don't miss her insanity, though I used to. I totally know what you mean by

that, lol! I find myself instead waiting for the next ambush of her needs.

As for your little one, I don't know if she is your first and how much your

mother is freaking out about seeing her. Either way, speaking as someone with a

lack of boundaries who has learned the hard way (I have 2 kids, a teen and a

gradeschooler), I say start as you mean to go. If you don't want her around so

much or using your kids as an excuse to intrude in your space (that's exactly

what my mother did; caused my marriage a lot of headaches), then maybe start

limiting her time, let her know now when it's ok for her to visit or when you'll

be visiting, etc. If you haven't already (and I know it's hard with a newborn),

read " Boundaries " by Cloud/Townsend.

Best wishes with your baby!!

Fiona

> >

> > Thanks for several of your emails/posts over the last couple of days as I've

been coming to terms with my mom's undiagnosed BPD. I still can't bring myself

to call her my nada because I'm so emotionally attached still. I realize this

morning that I'm in shock after realizing that my mom has BPD. My husband has

thought so for years, but I wasn't ready to handle it.

> >

> > Since getting stronger over the last few years, I'm finally coming to terms

with it, but there's no denying that I'm very confuzzled about it all. In fact,

I'm feeling a bit numb. I suppose that's a normal reaction at first. I've

already had years and years of therapy, long before all of this, but now it's

all starting to make sense why I experienced my first depressive episode at age

7.

> >

> > I had a bit of a realization yesterday, with the help of my husband.

> >

> > - I was a skinny child but became fat, starting at about age 7 when my mom

quit her job and became a full-time mom.

> >

> > - At age 13, when I started puberty and started arguing against her for

what I believed in, I lost all my weight and was a skinny teenager.

> >

> > - At age 17, after fighting with her for years, and after giving up some of

the control over my own choices because I got tired of fighting, I gained weight

again. Two events come distinctly to mind.

> >

> > 1. She berated me about having sex with my boyfriend and convinced me I

needed to go to confession to tell the priest about it. After many, many

arguments, I finally relented and spent the whole confession in tears. I left

feeling ashamed and haven't been back to confession since then. I also left the

Catholic church after that. It was used as a weapon against me and I don't

think I'll ever see my way back.

> >

> > 2. She berated me about the same boyfriend, telling me he wasn't good

enough for me, until I finally left him (even though I wasn't ready). I

continued having an on-again-off-again relationship with him, fantasizing about

our lives together and believing I was still in love with him, even after

getting married and having children. It took me about 15 years to get over him.

Fortunately, my husband fought for me and helped me realize he was a dud before

I did anything too stupid.

> >

> > 3. Now that I live away from my parents and went back to massage school,

I'm feeling stronger and stronger. Graduating from massage school was an

accomplishment for me, not because it was difficult, but because it was

something that was all mine. My mom didn't think it was worthwhile, in spite of

the fact that she paid for the tuition. It wasn't until I graduated and I used

massage to help her with some of her pain that she finally believed it was

valuable (of course, it helped HER, so it was valuable). Getting her to

understand that it was worthwhile was the biggest accomplishment because, well,

you all know how difficult it is to get a BPD to believe anything you say.

> >

> > Once I graduated from massage school, I felt capable of taking on weight

loss. It was all too much for me before. The idea of denying myself food was

too scary, since it was my safety net for so many years. Now that I don't feel

like I need a safety net, I'm not finding it all that difficult to get control

over my food intake. In fact, there just aren't the emotions attached to food

that I used to have. It's easier for me to bypass those chocolate chip cookies

than it used to be because I don't feel anxious anymore if I decide not to have

one. Now I feel strong if I choose to forgo them.

> >

> > Now, my major anxiety is about when my mom will try to reenter my life. The

last time we had no contact, it was by her choice and lasted about five weeks.

Then she sent me flowers but it was never discussed again except for her

bringing up her own bad feelings about how I treated her. I'm sure that at some

point my mother is going to insist that she see my children and I'm not sure how

I'm going to handle that. She doesn't treat my son with much respect 1.

because he has autism and my mom can't handle his unpredictability, and 2.

because he's a male and my mother has very little respect for anyone male unless

he's a priest (which I'm sure is why my dad became a Catholic deacon, but that's

another part of the story).

> >

> > I'm considering whether I want to try to see a therapist again. I'm not

sure that it's worth the money because I know pretty much about how it's going

to go. I have some good friends that I can generally use as a sounding board

and, of course, I've now found this place.

> >

> > Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. It's helpful to tell my story and get

it off my chest in a place where people finally understand and believe it.

> >

> > Hugs to all,

> >

> > Annie

> >

>