Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Anne, Congratulations on your actions and feeling so good about them. I am happy for you. As I read about your good/bad mom I can relate. My bad mom (in addition to what you describe) gets really dark eyes. I feel like I am seeing shark eyes when she goes there. > > What a strange feeling I have reading some of your posts...feeling fortunate of my situation with my parents. Yeah, that's what I said. I actually feel grateful that my situation wasn't as bad as I now realize it could have been. I was never bodily threatened or physically abused. I only had to endure Mom's wrath and Dad's passive aggressive behavior. I'm not downplaying the verbal abuse, because it was horrible and has caused it's own lasting scars. But I actually feel grateful that I wasn't forced to endure any physical abuse. > > Abandonment and a sharp tongue are my mother's weapons. She still uses them today. She gets pissed and starts screaming that she's going to divorce my dad. She used to get in her car and leave. Scary when I was only 7, but disgusting when I became old enough to realize it was just her weapon of choice. > > She actually got a job out of town with an apartment so that she doesn't have to be around anyone when she's really pissed off. It seems the only identity where she is happy is at work, because that's where she gets all her strokes. The family knows the other her and we don't praise her and lift her ego like they do at work. > > The last time she threatened to divorce dad, I told her that I didn't even believe her because she's said it so many times now that her threat is no longer effective. Perhaps that's why she's cutting off any financial support she's offered to me in the past. Her weapon was no longer effective and so she's trying something new. > > I remember telling one of my bosses that I had two moms - a good mom and a bad mom - and I never knew which one was going to show up from day to day. Good mom and bad mom actually have different voice inflections. Good mom is all sweet and calm, fun to be around, and funny. Bad mom has an edge to her voice. Her words are choppy, almost staccato, and are delivered a half an octave or more lower than good mom. Bad mom will cut you to the quick in a half a second flat, knocking the wind out of you from somewhere unseen. > > Sometimes bad mom would peek through when good mom was on duty, leaking out as a backhand remark to remind you that she was still around. I used to think she was bipolar or schizo or something until I discovered BPD. The Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde definition, with it's two opposite personas, finally made sense. > > The good mom actually is a really generous person...as long as money is all she has to give. She's given me cars, thousands of dollars towards my home, education, and clothing, and paid for vacations. But she's never been able to give me acceptance, tolerance, or love. So now that she's cutting me off financially, I'm actually grateful. I never wanted her money and have always said I'd give up every cent if only I could have the love from her I always wanted. > > She gave me her credit card a few years ago so that I could buy stuff for the kids. Since she lives 1000 miles away, it made it easier to pay for my son's private school tuition, etc. My husband expressed yesterday that it was her way of not having to expend any effort on anyone too. What an awakening that was. Last year for Christmas, my mom didn't even have to write a check to my kids. She just had me go on Amazon and buy them what they wanted with HER credit card. In my husband's words, the most effort she had to expend was an utterance. Now how Queen-like is that!?! > > So yesterday I cut up the credit card and mailed it back to my dad. If she wants to cut off financial ties, then so be it. I know she will take it as a slap, which is not intended, but I think taking away her weapons is necessary at this point. I'm tired of feeling obligated to her, which is the way she acts when she gives me anything. For years I asked her if something was a gift or not because I didn't want it held over my head later. > > Well, at the risk of cutting this off in the middle, I think it's getting too long already. Thanks for letting me ramble. This is so therapeutic to me! > > Hugs, > > Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 My mother also had different voice inflections. I can't call either of them " good mom " , however, because all four voices were somehow fake. Don't know how else to describe them. 1) Little girl/waif voice: Very high, squeaky, saying the word " beautiful " like " Beee-YOOOOO-tee-fullll! " , or saying " wittle " instead of " little. " 2) Work/everday voice: Middle-pitched, articulating very well. Used at work or when talking on the phone. 3) Depressed voice: Medium low-pitched, slow, slurry 4) Angry/raging/witch voice: Varying between ear-splitting, high, unintelligible words being screamed, and rough, hoarse, gravelly and extremely low, almost bass, spitting out her words. .. Good mom and bad mom actually have different voice inflections. Good mom > is all sweet and calm, fun to be around, and funny. Bad mom has an edge to > her voice. Her words are choppy, almost staccato, and are delivered a half > an octave or more lower than good mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Oh yeah, she has a work voice too. It's stern and non-emotional. My husband will answer the phone and my mom will always start with " Hi. How are you? " She doesn't really want to know, but if she's using her work voice, it will be said quickly and with a hard tone to her voice. If it's her good mom voice, then it's soft. Funny how we all have similar ways we recognize our nadas. > > My mother also had different voice inflections. I can't call either of them > " good mom " , however, because all four voices were somehow fake. Don't know > how else to describe them. > 1) Little girl/waif voice: Very high, squeaky, saying the word " beautiful " > like " Beee-YOOOOO-tee-fullll! " , or saying " wittle " instead of " little. " > 2) Work/everday voice: Middle-pitched, articulating very well. Used at work > or when talking on the phone. > 3) Depressed voice: Medium low-pitched, slow, slurry > 4) Angry/raging/witch voice: Varying between ear-splitting, high, > unintelligible words being screamed, and rough, hoarse, gravelly and > extremely low, almost bass, spitting out her words. > > > . Good mom and bad mom actually have different voice inflections. Good mom > > is all sweet and calm, fun to be around, and funny. Bad mom has an edge to > > her voice. Her words are choppy, almost staccato, and are delivered a half > > an octave or more lower than good mom. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Yes! My nada's eyes would dilate when she was enraged and screaming so the pupils filled her iris, and she had dark brown irises anyway, so the result was very much like a shark. And it seemed to me that she was looking at me with those scary predator eyes and *she didn't know me*. She wasn't reacting to my terror and pain like a normal human being would: there was no empathy or even recognition there. It was like my mother went away and this thing had replaced her and it hated me and it was going to hurt me or even kill me. Nada would clamp my upper arms in her hands and hold me close to her face and force me to look into those terrifying black holes as she screamed at me, and I could feel her spittle hitting my face. Those were the red-faced, screaming rage-tantrums that my little Sister and I had to endure, that usually culminated in some kind of physical abuse: shaking, slapping, spanking, being jerked around by one arm, being tossed or pushed to the floor, and sometimes she'd go get the belt. My little Sister told me that on more than one occasion, when Sister was very little and our nada would become enraged and get right up in her face, Sister urinated on herself out of sheer terror, like a little animal; and of course that made nada's rage even worse. Yes, my mother was way too emotionally unstable, her moods were too extreme, her personality disorders too severe, and she was too un-empathetic or perhaps dissociative to have been allowed to raise small children. She needed to have another adult around her *all the time* to act as a stabilizer. She should never have been left alone with us. Its just sad, really, that little children should be subjected to such abusive, terrifying treatment. -Annie > > > > What a strange feeling I have reading some of your posts...feeling fortunate of my situation with my parents. Yeah, that's what I said. I actually feel grateful that my situation wasn't as bad as I now realize it could have been. I was never bodily threatened or physically abused. I only had to endure Mom's wrath and Dad's passive aggressive behavior. I'm not downplaying the verbal abuse, because it was horrible and has caused it's own lasting scars. But I actually feel grateful that I wasn't forced to endure any physical abuse. > > > > Abandonment and a sharp tongue are my mother's weapons. She still uses them today. She gets pissed and starts screaming that she's going to divorce my dad. She used to get in her car and leave. Scary when I was only 7, but disgusting when I became old enough to realize it was just her weapon of choice. > > > > She actually got a job out of town with an apartment so that she doesn't have to be around anyone when she's really pissed off. It seems the only identity where she is happy is at work, because that's where she gets all her strokes. The family knows the other her and we don't praise her and lift her ego like they do at work. > > > > The last time she threatened to divorce dad, I told her that I didn't even believe her because she's said it so many times now that her threat is no longer effective. Perhaps that's why she's cutting off any financial support she's offered to me in the past. Her weapon was no longer effective and so she's trying something new. > > > > I remember telling one of my bosses that I had two moms - a good mom and a bad mom - and I never knew which one was going to show up from day to day. Good mom and bad mom actually have different voice inflections. Good mom is all sweet and calm, fun to be around, and funny. Bad mom has an edge to her voice. Her words are choppy, almost staccato, and are delivered a half an octave or more lower than good mom. Bad mom will cut you to the quick in a half a second flat, knocking the wind out of you from somewhere unseen. > > > > Sometimes bad mom would peek through when good mom was on duty, leaking out as a backhand remark to remind you that she was still around. I used to think she was bipolar or schizo or something until I discovered BPD. The Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde definition, with it's two opposite personas, finally made sense. > > > > The good mom actually is a really generous person...as long as money is all she has to give. She's given me cars, thousands of dollars towards my home, education, and clothing, and paid for vacations. But she's never been able to give me acceptance, tolerance, or love. So now that she's cutting me off financially, I'm actually grateful. I never wanted her money and have always said I'd give up every cent if only I could have the love from her I always wanted. > > > > She gave me her credit card a few years ago so that I could buy stuff for the kids. Since she lives 1000 miles away, it made it easier to pay for my son's private school tuition, etc. My husband expressed yesterday that it was her way of not having to expend any effort on anyone too. What an awakening that was. Last year for Christmas, my mom didn't even have to write a check to my kids. She just had me go on Amazon and buy them what they wanted with HER credit card. In my husband's words, the most effort she had to expend was an utterance. Now how Queen-like is that!?! > > > > So yesterday I cut up the credit card and mailed it back to my dad. If she wants to cut off financial ties, then so be it. I know she will take it as a slap, which is not intended, but I think taking away her weapons is necessary at this point. I'm tired of feeling obligated to her, which is the way she acts when she gives me anything. For years I asked her if something was a gift or not because I didn't want it held over my head later. > > > > Well, at the risk of cutting this off in the middle, I think it's getting too long already. Thanks for letting me ramble. This is so therapeutic to me! > > > > Hugs, > > > > Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Oh my gosh.....I'm reading this thread and can so relate. My mom has 3 personalities and the tonal inflections are different with each as well as her vocabulary. Even her face and eyes change. 1) The good mom (fun, intelligent, generous and encouraging)- normal mid range voice. 2)The little girl (helpless victim)- High and softly pitched, slurred and babyish pronunciation. When she appears you know the viper is on it's way. 3) The Viper (Attacker) - Can be loud & screaming or low & intense. Either way the viper is viscious and vulgar. She is going to bite, poison and try to rip you apart. Unfortunately she knows exactly which buttons to push. Her eyes close to slits and I swear she grows fangs. There was one time when she spoke in a really guttural, man's voice and referred to herself as " we " making me wonder if she does have split personalities. She was an only child and had an invisible friend that she totally believed was real. She also totally believed in the different identities she created for herself, but that one time was they only incidence that I remember where she seemed to split. I actually screen my mother's calls and let them all go to voicemail to see what " mood " she is in. She complains that I never pick up my phone....I wish I could tell her that it's because I never know which " mom " is going to be on the other end. I've told her that if she leaves one of " those " messages that I will not be returning the call. I've also told her that if she starts attacking people, me or others, while in a conversation that I will politely end it. The only problem with this is that I then recieve multiple voicemails every day ranging from from the weedling " I don't know why you won't call me back " to vicious. Eventually she gets to the " I'm sorry if I was rude " or " I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings " . While she may apologize....she will never discuss what happened. If I try she gets mean and hangs up on me. She just acts like nothing happened and expects everyone else to do the same. It's so damned frustrating and confusing < > > My mother also had different voice inflections. I can't call either of them > " good mom " , however, because all four voices were somehow fake. Don't know > how else to describe them. > 1) Little girl/waif voice: Very high, squeaky, saying the word " beautiful " > like " Beee-YOOOOO-tee-fullll! " , or saying " wittle " instead of " little. " > 2) Work/everday voice: Middle-pitched, articulating very well. Used at work > or when talking on the phone. > 3) Depressed voice: Medium low-pitched, slow, slurry > 4) Angry/raging/witch voice: Varying between ear-splitting, high, > unintelligible words being screamed at you to rough, hoarse, gravelly and > extremely low, almost bass, spitting out her words. > > > . Good mom and bad mom actually have different voice inflections. Good mom > > is all sweet and calm, fun to be around, and funny. Bad mom has an edge to > > her voice. Her words are choppy, almost staccato, and are delivered a half > > an octave or more lower than good mom. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 My nada got those shark eyes too, and to make it even more strange, the whites of her eyes would seem off color too. One time I tried to stop her during her raging and tell her that her eyes looked weird and she screeched, " That's because of YOU! " > > > > > > What a strange feeling I have reading some of your posts...feeling fortunate of my situation with my parents. Yeah, that's what I said. I actually feel grateful that my situation wasn't as bad as I now realize it could have been. I was never bodily threatened or physically abused. I only had to endure Mom's wrath and Dad's passive aggressive behavior. I'm not downplaying the verbal abuse, because it was horrible and has caused it's own lasting scars. But I actually feel grateful that I wasn't forced to endure any physical abuse. > > > > > > Abandonment and a sharp tongue are my mother's weapons. She still uses them today. She gets pissed and starts screaming that she's going to divorce my dad. She used to get in her car and leave. Scary when I was only 7, but disgusting when I became old enough to realize it was just her weapon of choice. > > > > > > She actually got a job out of town with an apartment so that she doesn't have to be around anyone when she's really pissed off. It seems the only identity where she is happy is at work, because that's where she gets all her strokes. The family knows the other her and we don't praise her and lift her ego like they do at work. > > > > > > The last time she threatened to divorce dad, I told her that I didn't even believe her because she's said it so many times now that her threat is no longer effective. Perhaps that's why she's cutting off any financial support she's offered to me in the past. Her weapon was no longer effective and so she's trying something new. > > > > > > I remember telling one of my bosses that I had two moms - a good mom and a bad mom - and I never knew which one was going to show up from day to day. Good mom and bad mom actually have different voice inflections. Good mom is all sweet and calm, fun to be around, and funny. Bad mom has an edge to her voice. Her words are choppy, almost staccato, and are delivered a half an octave or more lower than good mom. Bad mom will cut you to the quick in a half a second flat, knocking the wind out of you from somewhere unseen. > > > > > > Sometimes bad mom would peek through when good mom was on duty, leaking out as a backhand remark to remind you that she was still around. I used to think she was bipolar or schizo or something until I discovered BPD. The Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde definition, with it's two opposite personas, finally made sense. > > > > > > The good mom actually is a really generous person...as long as money is all she has to give. She's given me cars, thousands of dollars towards my home, education, and clothing, and paid for vacations. But she's never been able to give me acceptance, tolerance, or love. So now that she's cutting me off financially, I'm actually grateful. I never wanted her money and have always said I'd give up every cent if only I could have the love from her I always wanted. > > > > > > She gave me her credit card a few years ago so that I could buy stuff for the kids. Since she lives 1000 miles away, it made it easier to pay for my son's private school tuition, etc. My husband expressed yesterday that it was her way of not having to expend any effort on anyone too. What an awakening that was. Last year for Christmas, my mom didn't even have to write a check to my kids. She just had me go on Amazon and buy them what they wanted with HER credit card. In my husband's words, the most effort she had to expend was an utterance. Now how Queen-like is that!?! > > > > > > So yesterday I cut up the credit card and mailed it back to my dad. If she wants to cut off financial ties, then so be it. I know she will take it as a slap, which is not intended, but I think taking away her weapons is necessary at this point. I'm tired of feeling obligated to her, which is the way she acts when she gives me anything. For years I asked her if something was a gift or not because I didn't want it held over my head later. > > > > > > Well, at the risk of cutting this off in the middle, I think it's getting too long already. Thanks for letting me ramble. This is so therapeutic to me! > > > > > > Hugs, > > > > > > Annie > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Amen. Just know you are not nuts or to blame. But it is hard and tiring an such a loss for us. Really sad. > > > > My mother also had different voice inflections. I can't call either of them > > " good mom " , however, because all four voices were somehow fake. Don't know > > how else to describe them. > > 1) Little girl/waif voice: Very high, squeaky, saying the word " beautiful " > > like " Beee-YOOOOO-tee-fullll! " , or saying " wittle " instead of " little. " > > 2) Work/everday voice: Middle-pitched, articulating very well. Used at work > > or when talking on the phone. > > 3) Depressed voice: Medium low-pitched, slow, slurry > > 4) Angry/raging/witch voice: Varying between ear-splitting, high, > > unintelligible words being screamed at you to rough, hoarse, gravelly and > > extremely low, almost bass, spitting out her words. > > > > > > . Good mom and bad mom actually have different voice inflections. Good mom > > > is all sweet and calm, fun to be around, and funny. Bad mom has an edge to > > > her voice. Her words are choppy, almost staccato, and are delivered a half > > > an octave or more lower than good mom. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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