Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Hi - I just had a huge heartbreak/disappointment and I'm wondering if this has to do with my entire family being BPD/NPD... This is probably going to be pretty long... I haven't talked to ANYONE about this, even though it happened about four months ago. Okay, background story: I was an only child of two severely personality-disordered parents, and always yearned for at least one sibling. My parents had had a child who died before I was born. She was only 2 years old. Her name was Nina. I was never told about her until I was 10, and the only reason my parents told me about her was because I found a big pile of pictures of my parents with a small girl who looked a lot like me, but had blond hair and blue eyes (my hair and eyes are brown). I was so moved when they told me about her that I burst into tears, and stole one of the pictures to keep in my pillowcase. My parents told me to never bring the subject of that child up again. Apparently Nina's death had led to all my mother's problems - the alcoholism, drug abuse, depression and uncontrollable rages. Even though they told me to never talk about my dead sister, they would bring her up whenever I misbehaved or did something they didn't like. " How could you hurt your mother like that when she lost a child? " I can't tell you the sick guilt I felt. They also compared me to Nina, who was, according to them, a cuddly, well-behaved, brilliant, beautiful, perfect little angel, which I, of course, wasn't. " Nina loved to hug and kiss Grandma. What's wrong with YOU? " (Grandma scared me half to death. She had a loud, deep, gravelly voice, wore lots of caked on makeup, smoked smelly cigarettes, and wasn't a particularly nice person). Then there was, " You wouldn't have been born if Nina was still here. " And as I got older and my mother grew more violent and drank and abused drugs - and me - more and more, and in worse ways, and I got angry back at her - and, worst of all, I couldn't feel one iota of love for her - I'd hear variations of " How DARE you be so horrible/unloving/mean/uncompassionate/selfish! She lost a child! " Oh, the guilt - the guilt - the guilt - I just couldn't feel love for her at all. I couldn't stand her to touch me. Simply being around her made me feel ill. I still feel guilty for that. What kind of person doesn't love her mother? What kind of person feels sick disgust at the physical presence of her mother? Okay, so on with my heartbreak/disappointment. In the '70s, when I was 28, my only cousin, the one who's a famous musician, was conducting the San Francisco Symphony, and I was living and working in San Francisco at the time. He and I were sporadically in touch then (my mother hadn't yet totally convinced him that I was human trash), and one day we got together and he told me a woman had come to one of his concerts, gone backstage and told him that she was his cousin. Basically MY father was HER father. She was about 20 years old than I was, which made sense, because my father was 57 when I was born, and, before he'd married my mother, had been known to be quite the ladies' man. OHHHH, I was so excited!!!! I HAD A SISTER! Even though I hadn't met her, my love just went out to her. I asked my cousin what her name was and he said he couldn't remember, but she lived in Philadelphia. He said she had handed him a piece of paper with her info on it, but he'd lost it. He told me NOT to ask my father about it, but to ask his parents (my aunt and uncle), because they would know. So that night I called my aunt and uncle, and asked them about it, and they raked me over the coals for being a bad daughter, and how dare I even CONSIDER hurting my father like that, and they gave me no info. So time goes on, and I search for her in the best way I can. But it's really hard to find someone when you have no first or last name - and there wasn't any Internet to help me. For 32 years I yearned to find my sister. Actually, yearning is an understatement. Over the years, I asked my cousin whether he'd found out more about my sister, and he always said, no, I haven't heard from her again and I still don't remember her name. So four months ago, I was looking at a Facebook page devoted to my grandparents (I'll call them Emma and ) who were quite famous in the world of Jewish theater. There was a discussion board, and one of the posts was from a woman who said that Emma and were her great-grandparents. The woman lived in Philadelphia. I was like, oh, my God, THIS IS MY NIECE. MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER! So I friended her on Facebook and left her a message, and she'd put her phone number up on Facebook so I also called her, but she wasn't home so I left a message with her husband. I was too excited to sleep that night. I thought, oh, my God, this is the reward of my lifetime!!!! So she calls me the next day. She tells me my father's name is on her mother's birth certificate. She tells me her mother's name. It's a lovely, unique French name that isn't often used, and I was surprised my cousin would forget it, as he has a brain like a steel trap. Then she tells me that her mother tried for YEARS to meet my (her) father, or to even find out something about him. She didn't know where my father was, but she knew how to contact my cousin. She didn't want anything like money or fame by association. ALL she wanted was to have that connection to part of her family, to just meet or even just talk to her father, to find out something more about him. She wrote several times to my cousin and the first few times he didn't answer, but the last letter she sent received a reply that was basically telling her to never try to contact him again. So my cousin lied about not hearing from her. And I highly doubt he didn't know her name. So then she decided to look up my cousin's parents, my aunt and uncle (and hers) in the phone book, and they happened to be listed. So she called them, told them who she was, and they also told her - angrily - not to contact them again. She was devastated, and gave up. Well, it turns out she died 10 years ago. Her daughter told me she'd been a lovely, gentle, kind soul, and had been raised by an extremely loving single mother, who had received no help whatsoever from the father (my father). My sister married a good man, and had three children. So I'm crying now. I missed meeting my sister. But - I have my niece! In fact, I have THREE nieces! I'm just bursting with love. So she and I are talking, and I tell her I'd really love to meet her one of these days. And she says... oh, I don't know. How do I know your father is really my father? So I said, well, he's on your mother's birth certificate as the father. She says, well, you and I are the same age, so how can you be my aunt? I was like - gee, aunts and uncles aren't always older than their nieces and nephews. Sometimes they're even younger. And my father was 57 when I was born. Then she got really cold, hard, dismissive and even sort of mean. I felt like I was dealing with a BPD person. Perhaps I was. But my heart was broken. I still haven't recovered. I have tried to get back in touch with her, just to touch base, but she has no interest. My heart is broken... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 (((((Judy))))) I'm so sorry, dear. That must indeed be so heartbreaking for you, I'm so sorry. How terribly disappointing. I hope that sharing your experience here helped you at least a little. And I don't think there is anything wrong with your feelings toward your mother, who basically punished you your whole life for not being your deceased sister. In my opinion the behaviors you describe meant that your mother was too severely mentally ill and addicted to have been raising you; she did more harm than good. Not wanting your mother to touch you sounds perfectly normal to me under such circumstances. I empathize because I felt fear when my mother would want affection from me; getting close to her terrified me, it meant she was close enough to hit me or pinch me. But, anyway, I feel much empathy for you in your loss. Please be gentle with yourself, and let yourself mourn so you can pass through it. -Annie > > Hi - I just had a huge heartbreak/disappointment and I'm wondering if this > has to do with my entire family being BPD/NPD... > This is probably going to be pretty long... > I haven't talked to ANYONE about this, even though it happened about four > months ago. > Okay, background story: > I was an only child of two severely personality-disordered parents, and > always yearned for at least one sibling. > My parents had had a child who died before I was born. She was only 2 years > old. Her name was Nina. I was never told about her until I was 10, and the > only reason my parents told me about her was because I found a big pile of > pictures of my parents with a small girl who looked a lot like me, but had > blond hair and blue eyes (my hair and eyes are brown). I was so moved when > they told me about her that I burst into tears, and stole one of the > pictures to keep in my pillowcase. My parents told me to never bring the > subject of that child up again. Apparently Nina's death had led to all my > mother's problems - the alcoholism, drug abuse, depression and > uncontrollable rages. Even though they told me to never talk about my dead > sister, they would bring her up whenever I misbehaved or did something they > didn't like. " How could you hurt your mother like that when she lost a > child? " I can't tell you the sick guilt I felt. They also compared me to > Nina, who was, according to them, a cuddly, well-behaved, brilliant, > beautiful, perfect little angel, which I, of course, wasn't. " Nina loved to > hug and kiss Grandma. What's wrong with YOU? " (Grandma scared me half to > death. She had a loud, deep, gravelly voice, wore lots of caked on makeup, > smoked smelly cigarettes, and wasn't a particularly nice person). Then there > was, " You wouldn't have been born if Nina was still here. " > And as I got older and my mother grew more violent and drank and abused > drugs - and me - more and more, and in worse ways, and I got angry back at > her - and, worst of all, I couldn't feel one iota of love for her - I'd hear > variations of " How DARE you be so > horrible/unloving/mean/uncompassionate/selfish! She lost a child! " > Oh, the guilt - the guilt - the guilt - > I just couldn't feel love for her at all. I couldn't stand her to touch me. > Simply being around her made me feel ill. I still feel guilty for that. What > kind of person doesn't love her mother? What kind of person feels sick > disgust at the physical presence of her mother? > Okay, so on with my heartbreak/disappointment. > In the '70s, when I was 28, my only cousin, the one who's a famous musician, > was conducting the San Francisco Symphony, and I was living and working in > San Francisco at the time. He and I were sporadically in touch then (my > mother hadn't yet totally convinced him that I was human trash), and one day > we got together and he told me a woman had come to one of his concerts, gone > backstage and told him that she was his cousin. Basically MY father was HER > father. She was about 20 years old than I was, which made sense, because my > father was 57 when I was born, and, before he'd married my mother, had been > known to be quite the ladies' man. OHHHH, I was so excited!!!! I HAD A > SISTER! Even though I hadn't met her, my love just went out to her. I asked > my cousin what her name was and he said he couldn't remember, but she lived > in Philadelphia. He said she had handed him a piece of paper with her info > on it, but he'd lost it. He told me NOT to ask my father about it, but to > ask his parents (my aunt and uncle), because they would know. > So that night I called my aunt and uncle, and asked them about it, and they > raked me over the coals for being a bad daughter, and how dare I even > CONSIDER hurting my father like that, and they gave me no info. > So time goes on, and I search for her in the best way I can. But it's really > hard to find someone when you have no first or last name - and there wasn't > any Internet to help me. > For 32 years I yearned to find my sister. Actually, yearning is an > understatement. > Over the years, I asked my cousin whether he'd found out more about my > sister, and he always said, no, I haven't heard from her again and I still > don't remember her name. > So four months ago, I was looking at a Facebook page devoted to my > grandparents (I'll call them Emma and ) who were quite famous in the > world of Jewish theater. There was a discussion board, and one of the posts > was from a woman who said that Emma and were her great-grandparents. > The woman lived in Philadelphia. I was like, oh, my God, THIS IS MY NIECE. > MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER! So I friended her on Facebook and left her a message, > and she'd put her phone number up on Facebook so I also called her, but she > wasn't home so I left a message with her husband. I was too excited to sleep > that night. I thought, oh, my God, this is the reward of my lifetime!!!! > So she calls me the next day. She tells me my father's name is on her > mother's birth certificate. She tells me her mother's name. It's a lovely, > unique French name that isn't often used, and I was surprised my cousin > would forget it, as he has a brain like a steel trap. Then she tells me that > her mother tried for YEARS to meet my (her) father, or to even find out > something about him. She didn't know where my father was, but she knew how > to contact my cousin. She didn't want anything like money or fame by > association. ALL she wanted was to have that connection to part of her > family, to just meet or even just talk to her father, to find out something > more about him. She wrote several times to my cousin and the first few times > he didn't answer, but the last letter she sent received a reply that was > basically telling her to never try to contact him again. So my cousin lied > about not hearing from her. And I highly doubt he didn't know her name. > So then she decided to look up my cousin's parents, my aunt and uncle (and > hers) in the phone book, and they happened to be listed. So she called them, > told them who she was, and they also told her - angrily - not to contact > them again. > She was devastated, and gave up. > Well, it turns out she died 10 years ago. Her daughter told me she'd been a > lovely, gentle, kind soul, and had been raised by an extremely loving single > mother, who had received no help whatsoever from the father (my father). > My sister married a good man, and had three children. > So I'm crying now. I missed meeting my sister. But - I have my niece! In > fact, I have THREE nieces! I'm just bursting with love. So she and I are > talking, and I tell her I'd really love to meet her one of these days. And > she says... > oh, I don't know. > How do I know your father is really my father? > So I said, well, he's on your mother's birth certificate as the father. > She says, well, you and I are the same age, so how can you be my aunt? > I was like - gee, aunts and uncles aren't always older than their nieces and > nephews. Sometimes they're even younger. And my father was 57 when I was > born. > Then she got really cold, hard, dismissive and even sort of mean. > I felt like I was dealing with a BPD person. Perhaps I was. > But my heart was broken. > I still haven't recovered. > I have tried to get back in touch with her, just to touch base, but she has > no interest. > My > heart > is > broken... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Judy, I have heard lots of people tell me that their search for lost family members ended in disappointment. I think this is the norm; people develop this idea of what it will be like to find these people, then they are disappointed when fantasy meets reality. I think this would be especially true if someone spent years looking for them. You are all excited and anxious, but they are thinking, " who is this person? " They have their lives and some people just don't easily let people into their private world. Had you been famous, things might have been different. Give them space. Send them a Christmas card and call them maybe once a year to check in. Now that you found them, it might take a while to earn their trust. Keep you expectation low, but keep you heart open. Remind yourself that these people may be very different from you. You may never have much in common with them. They are strangers, for the most part. Slow down, give them lots of space, be patient. It ain't over yet. > > Hi - I just had a huge heartbreak/disappointment and I'm wondering if this > has to do with my entire family being BPD/NPD... > This is probably going to be pretty long... > I haven't talked to ANYONE about this, even though it happened about four > months ago. > Okay, background story: > I was an only child of two severely personality-disordered parents, and > always yearned for at least one sibling. > My parents had had a child who died before I was born. She was only 2 years > old. Her name was Nina. I was never told about her until I was 10, and the > only reason my parents told me about her was because I found a big pile of > pictures of my parents with a small girl who looked a lot like me, but had > blond hair and blue eyes (my hair and eyes are brown). I was so moved when > they told me about her that I burst into tears, and stole one of the > pictures to keep in my pillowcase. My parents told me to never bring the > subject of that child up again. Apparently Nina's death had led to all my > mother's problems - the alcoholism, drug abuse, depression and > uncontrollable rages. Even though they told me to never talk about my dead > sister, they would bring her up whenever I misbehaved or did something they > didn't like. " How could you hurt your mother like that when she lost a > child? " I can't tell you the sick guilt I felt. They also compared me to > Nina, who was, according to them, a cuddly, well-behaved, brilliant, > beautiful, perfect little angel, which I, of course, wasn't. " Nina loved to > hug and kiss Grandma. What's wrong with YOU? " (Grandma scared me half to > death. She had a loud, deep, gravelly voice, wore lots of caked on makeup, > smoked smelly cigarettes, and wasn't a particularly nice person). Then there > was, " You wouldn't have been born if Nina was still here. " > And as I got older and my mother grew more violent and drank and abused > drugs - and me - more and more, and in worse ways, and I got angry back at > her - and, worst of all, I couldn't feel one iota of love for her - I'd hear > variations of " How DARE you be so > horrible/unloving/mean/uncompassionate/selfish! She lost a child! " > Oh, the guilt - the guilt - the guilt - > I just couldn't feel love for her at all. I couldn't stand her to touch me. > Simply being around her made me feel ill. I still feel guilty for that. What > kind of person doesn't love her mother? What kind of person feels sick > disgust at the physical presence of her mother? > Okay, so on with my heartbreak/disappointment. > In the '70s, when I was 28, my only cousin, the one who's a famous musician, > was conducting the San Francisco Symphony, and I was living and working in > San Francisco at the time. He and I were sporadically in touch then (my > mother hadn't yet totally convinced him that I was human trash), and one day > we got together and he told me a woman had come to one of his concerts, gone > backstage and told him that she was his cousin. Basically MY father was HER > father. She was about 20 years old than I was, which made sense, because my > father was 57 when I was born, and, before he'd married my mother, had been > known to be quite the ladies' man. OHHHH, I was so excited!!!! I HAD A > SISTER! Even though I hadn't met her, my love just went out to her. I asked > my cousin what her name was and he said he couldn't remember, but she lived > in Philadelphia. He said she had handed him a piece of paper with her info > on it, but he'd lost it. He told me NOT to ask my father about it, but to > ask his parents (my aunt and uncle), because they would know. > So that night I called my aunt and uncle, and asked them about it, and they > raked me over the coals for being a bad daughter, and how dare I even > CONSIDER hurting my father like that, and they gave me no info. > So time goes on, and I search for her in the best way I can. But it's really > hard to find someone when you have no first or last name - and there wasn't > any Internet to help me. > For 32 years I yearned to find my sister. Actually, yearning is an > understatement. > Over the years, I asked my cousin whether he'd found out more about my > sister, and he always said, no, I haven't heard from her again and I still > don't remember her name. > So four months ago, I was looking at a Facebook page devoted to my > grandparents (I'll call them Emma and ) who were quite famous in the > world of Jewish theater. There was a discussion board, and one of the posts > was from a woman who said that Emma and were her great-grandparents. > The woman lived in Philadelphia. I was like, oh, my God, THIS IS MY NIECE. > MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER! So I friended her on Facebook and left her a message, > and she'd put her phone number up on Facebook so I also called her, but she > wasn't home so I left a message with her husband. I was too excited to sleep > that night. I thought, oh, my God, this is the reward of my lifetime!!!! > So she calls me the next day. She tells me my father's name is on her > mother's birth certificate. She tells me her mother's name. It's a lovely, > unique French name that isn't often used, and I was surprised my cousin > would forget it, as he has a brain like a steel trap. Then she tells me that > her mother tried for YEARS to meet my (her) father, or to even find out > something about him. She didn't know where my father was, but she knew how > to contact my cousin. She didn't want anything like money or fame by > association. ALL she wanted was to have that connection to part of her > family, to just meet or even just talk to her father, to find out something > more about him. She wrote several times to my cousin and the first few times > he didn't answer, but the last letter she sent received a reply that was > basically telling her to never try to contact him again. So my cousin lied > about not hearing from her. And I highly doubt he didn't know her name. > So then she decided to look up my cousin's parents, my aunt and uncle (and > hers) in the phone book, and they happened to be listed. So she called them, > told them who she was, and they also told her - angrily - not to contact > them again. > She was devastated, and gave up. > Well, it turns out she died 10 years ago. Her daughter told me she'd been a > lovely, gentle, kind soul, and had been raised by an extremely loving single > mother, who had received no help whatsoever from the father (my father). > My sister married a good man, and had three children. > So I'm crying now. I missed meeting my sister. But - I have my niece! In > fact, I have THREE nieces! I'm just bursting with love. So she and I are > talking, and I tell her I'd really love to meet her one of these days. And > she says... > oh, I don't know. > How do I know your father is really my father? > So I said, well, he's on your mother's birth certificate as the father. > She says, well, you and I are the same age, so how can you be my aunt? > I was like - gee, aunts and uncles aren't always older than their nieces and > nephews. Sometimes they're even younger. And my father was 57 when I was > born. > Then she got really cold, hard, dismissive and even sort of mean. > I felt like I was dealing with a BPD person. Perhaps I was. > But my heart was broken. > I still haven't recovered. > I have tried to get back in touch with her, just to touch base, but she has > no interest. > My > heart > is > broken... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Judy - I'm so so so so sorry. so much loss - a sister - your dignity - your parents - your cousin - your aunt - your uncle - then your sister - then your niece. I don't know how to help, so i will say what my T would say. The only family you really have is the one that you create, the people you invite in, the people you spend your time with, your energy on and share your life with. Everyone else is just. . . a relative. My baby brother died when I was 10. He only took one breath. But BELIEVE me, I never heard the end of it. " How could you expect that of me when I lost a child, " while collapsing to the bed or other soft surface, back of hand against head in waif pose (or what the belly dance community calls a belly dance headache). My mother even told me once that my brother (umm the dead one by the way) would have been the athletic child who liked the outdoors like my dad does. And I believed her!!! She was clearly just pushing my buttons. Ummm now I would like to state for the record that a) there is no way she can know that since he died at birth and I hiked and camped, shot, canyoneered, rock climbed, route found, dutch ovened and 4-wheeled with my dad off the grid for 28 years, does that count for nothing? and c) kids very rarely grow up to love all the same things their parents love. That is normal. She also made a big emotional confession once that she always loved my brotherSSSSS (I have a living older brother who is a douche, and was her favorite, by the way) more than she EVVVVAAAAAAH loved me! And that moment when she finally said that out loud was when one door slammed, with her on the wrong side, and I turned and walked toward my new life like a dead spirit going toward the light and I have never ever considered opening that door again. I'm hoping by the end of my days that " her wing " in my psyche will be bricked off, or better yet, converted into a home for the mentally deranged and needy people to get help and therapy. > ** > > > Judy, I have heard lots of people tell me that their search for lost family > members ended in disappointment. I think this is the norm; people develop > this idea of what it will be like to find these people, then they are > disappointed when fantasy meets reality. I think this would be especially > true if someone spent years looking for them. You are all excited and > anxious, but they are thinking, " who is this person? " They have their lives > and some people just don't easily let people into their private world. Had > you been famous, things might have been different. > > Give them space. Send them a Christmas card and call them maybe once a year > to check in. Now that you found them, it might take a while to earn their > trust. Keep you expectation low, but keep you heart open. Remind yourself > that these people may be very different from you. You may never have much in > common with them. They are strangers, for the most part. Slow down, give > them lots of space, be patient. It ain't over yet. > > > > > > > Hi - I just had a huge heartbreak/disappointment and I'm wondering if > this > > has to do with my entire family being BPD/NPD... > > This is probably going to be pretty long... > > I haven't talked to ANYONE about this, even though it happened about four > > months ago. > > Okay, background story: > > I was an only child of two severely personality-disordered parents, and > > always yearned for at least one sibling. > > My parents had had a child who died before I was born. She was only 2 > years > > old. Her name was Nina. I was never told about her until I was 10, and > the > > only reason my parents told me about her was because I found a big pile > of > > pictures of my parents with a small girl who looked a lot like me, but > had > > blond hair and blue eyes (my hair and eyes are brown). I was so moved > when > > they told me about her that I burst into tears, and stole one of the > > pictures to keep in my pillowcase. My parents told me to never bring the > > subject of that child up again. Apparently Nina's death had led to all my > > mother's problems - the alcoholism, drug abuse, depression and > > uncontrollable rages. Even though they told me to never talk about my > dead > > sister, they would bring her up whenever I misbehaved or did something > they > > didn't like. " How could you hurt your mother like that when she lost a > > child? " I can't tell you the sick guilt I felt. They also compared me to > > Nina, who was, according to them, a cuddly, well-behaved, brilliant, > > beautiful, perfect little angel, which I, of course, wasn't. " Nina loved > to > > hug and kiss Grandma. What's wrong with YOU? " (Grandma scared me half to > > death. She had a loud, deep, gravelly voice, wore lots of caked on > makeup, > > smoked smelly cigarettes, and wasn't a particularly nice person). Then > there > > was, " You wouldn't have been born if Nina was still here. " > > And as I got older and my mother grew more violent and drank and abused > > drugs - and me - more and more, and in worse ways, and I got angry back > at > > her - and, worst of all, I couldn't feel one iota of love for her - I'd > hear > > variations of " How DARE you be so > > horrible/unloving/mean/uncompassionate/selfish! She lost a child! " > > Oh, the guilt - the guilt - the guilt - > > I just couldn't feel love for her at all. I couldn't stand her to touch > me. > > Simply being around her made me feel ill. I still feel guilty for that. > What > > kind of person doesn't love her mother? What kind of person feels sick > > disgust at the physical presence of her mother? > > Okay, so on with my heartbreak/disappointment. > > In the '70s, when I was 28, my only cousin, the one who's a famous > musician, > > was conducting the San Francisco Symphony, and I was living and working > in > > San Francisco at the time. He and I were sporadically in touch then (my > > mother hadn't yet totally convinced him that I was human trash), and one > day > > we got together and he told me a woman had come to one of his concerts, > gone > > backstage and told him that she was his cousin. Basically MY father was > HER > > father. She was about 20 years old than I was, which made sense, because > my > > father was 57 when I was born, and, before he'd married my mother, had > been > > known to be quite the ladies' man. OHHHH, I was so excited!!!! I HAD A > > SISTER! Even though I hadn't met her, my love just went out to her. I > asked > > my cousin what her name was and he said he couldn't remember, but she > lived > > in Philadelphia. He said she had handed him a piece of paper with her > info > > on it, but he'd lost it. He told me NOT to ask my father about it, but to > > ask his parents (my aunt and uncle), because they would know. > > So that night I called my aunt and uncle, and asked them about it, and > they > > raked me over the coals for being a bad daughter, and how dare I even > > CONSIDER hurting my father like that, and they gave me no info. > > So time goes on, and I search for her in the best way I can. But it's > really > > hard to find someone when you have no first or last name - and there > wasn't > > any Internet to help me. > > For 32 years I yearned to find my sister. Actually, yearning is an > > understatement. > > Over the years, I asked my cousin whether he'd found out more about my > > sister, and he always said, no, I haven't heard from her again and I > still > > don't remember her name. > > So four months ago, I was looking at a Facebook page devoted to my > > grandparents (I'll call them Emma and ) who were quite famous in the > > world of Jewish theater. There was a discussion board, and one of the > posts > > was from a woman who said that Emma and were her > great-grandparents. > > The woman lived in Philadelphia. I was like, oh, my God, THIS IS MY > NIECE. > > MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER! So I friended her on Facebook and left her a > message, > > and she'd put her phone number up on Facebook so I also called her, but > she > > wasn't home so I left a message with her husband. I was too excited to > sleep > > that night. I thought, oh, my God, this is the reward of my lifetime!!!! > > So she calls me the next day. She tells me my father's name is on her > > mother's birth certificate. She tells me her mother's name. It's a > lovely, > > unique French name that isn't often used, and I was surprised my cousin > > would forget it, as he has a brain like a steel trap. Then she tells me > that > > her mother tried for YEARS to meet my (her) father, or to even find out > > something about him. She didn't know where my father was, but she knew > how > > to contact my cousin. She didn't want anything like money or fame by > > association. ALL she wanted was to have that connection to part of her > > family, to just meet or even just talk to her father, to find out > something > > more about him. She wrote several times to my cousin and the first few > times > > he didn't answer, but the last letter she sent received a reply that was > > basically telling her to never try to contact him again. So my cousin > lied > > about not hearing from her. And I highly doubt he didn't know her name. > > So then she decided to look up my cousin's parents, my aunt and uncle > (and > > hers) in the phone book, and they happened to be listed. So she called > them, > > told them who she was, and they also told her - angrily - not to contact > > them again. > > She was devastated, and gave up. > > Well, it turns out she died 10 years ago. Her daughter told me she'd been > a > > lovely, gentle, kind soul, and had been raised by an extremely loving > single > > mother, who had received no help whatsoever from the father (my father). > > My sister married a good man, and had three children. > > So I'm crying now. I missed meeting my sister. But - I have my niece! In > > fact, I have THREE nieces! I'm just bursting with love. So she and I are > > talking, and I tell her I'd really love to meet her one of these days. > And > > she says... > > oh, I don't know. > > How do I know your father is really my father? > > So I said, well, he's on your mother's birth certificate as the father. > > She says, well, you and I are the same age, so how can you be my aunt? > > I was like - gee, aunts and uncles aren't always older than their nieces > and > > nephews. Sometimes they're even younger. And my father was 57 when I was > > born. > > Then she got really cold, hard, dismissive and even sort of mean. > > I felt like I was dealing with a BPD person. Perhaps I was. > > But my heart was broken. > > I still haven't recovered. > > I have tried to get back in touch with her, just to touch base, but she > has > > no interest. > > My > > heart > > is > > broken... > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2011 Report Share Posted August 26, 2011 Aw, thank you, Girlscout. I very much appreciate your kind comments, and your empathy. Wow, you know what it's like to be guilt-tripped over a baby who didn't live... It really sucks. And it's so incredibly illogical, but when it's happening to us as youngsters, we believe every word. I haven't been so good over the years at creating my own family. I do have close friends, but they live on the West Coast, while I'm on the East Coast, and they have families of their own, whereas I live alone, and am single, with no children, because my skills at choosing a decent man really sucked, and still do. I would move to the West Coast but can't afford to do so, and don't think I'll ever be able to, as my health is not good, and I'm up there in age. I of course realize that my parents were way out of line to compare me unfavorably to a child who didn't live past the age of two, and that is one thing they did that I haven't internalized, thank goodness. But I have internalized the guilt I felt at being such a " selfish, bad daughter " who misbehaved at times, and who got angry with my parents, and who made the decision, at the age of 28, to never see them again, and cut off all communication with them at the age of 41, despite their having lost a child. By the way, Girlscout, I know quite a bit about the LDS culture. When I was a teenager, I was in a singing group that was started by an LDS man (who happened to become a well-known animator - Don Bluth), and initially most of the members were Mormon teens. We were all really close, and I spent a lot of time with their families, and was really impressed by the emphasis on education and the arts. Yes, some tried to convert me, but I've always been the non-convertible type. But having a borderline parent while being entrenched in the LDS culture - oh, my goodness, that must have been INCREDIBLY hard for you!!!!! Judy On Wed, Aug 24, 2011 at 12:26 AM, Girlscout Cowboy < girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote: > Judy - I'm so so so so sorry. so much loss - a sister - your dignity - your > parents - your cousin - your aunt - your uncle - then your sister - then > your niece. > > I don't know how to help, so i will say what my T would say. The only > family > you really have is the one that you create, the people you invite in, the > people you spend your time with, your energy on and share your life with. > Everyone else is just. . . a relative. > > My baby brother died when I was 10. He only took one breath. But BELIEVE > me, > I never heard the end of it. " How could you expect that of me when I lost a > child, " while collapsing to the bed or other soft surface, back of hand > against head in waif pose (or what the belly dance community calls a belly > dance headache). My mother even told me once that my brother (umm the dead > one by the way) would have been the athletic child who liked the outdoors > like my dad does. And I believed her!!! She was clearly just pushing my > buttons. > > Ummm now I would like to state for the record that a) there is no way she > can know that since he died at birth and I hiked and camped, shot, > canyoneered, rock climbed, route found, dutch ovened and 4-wheeled with my > dad off the grid for 28 years, does that count for nothing? and c) kids > very > rarely grow up to love all the same things their parents love. That is > normal. > > She also made a big emotional confession once that she always loved my > brotherSSSSS (I have a living older brother who is a douche, and was her > favorite, by the way) more than she EVVVVAAAAAAH loved me! > > And that moment when she finally said that out loud was when one door > slammed, with her on the wrong side, and I turned and walked toward my new > life like a dead spirit going toward the light and I have never ever > considered opening that door again. I'm hoping by the end of my days that > " her wing " in my psyche will be bricked off, or better yet, converted into > a > home for the mentally deranged and needy people to get help and therapy. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2011 Report Share Posted August 26, 2011 Thank you so much for your caring comments, Annie. Yes, I think my mother was too severely mentally ill to have been raising me, but there was nothing to be done about it. My not wanting my mother to touch me wasn't because I was afraid she'd hit me or pinch me. It was because she was sexually inappropriate towards me physically, and her touching me, or even being in the same room as me, made me nauseous. Logically I realize that this niece of mine is an utter stranger to me, as I am to her, and just because someone is related to you doesn't mean you're going to be close, or even like each other. It's just that for so long I'd been yearning for a family that cared an iota about me that I put too much hope into her. Yes, my heart still feels broken over it, but I can see the reality of the situation, and hopefully that heart of mine will heal over soon. Judy On Tue, Aug 23, 2011 at 11:17 AM, anuria67854 wrote: > ** > > > (((((Judy))))) > I'm so sorry, dear. That must indeed be so heartbreaking for you, I'm so > sorry. > How terribly disappointing. > > I hope that sharing your experience here helped you at least a little. > > And I don't think there is anything wrong with your feelings toward your > mother, who basically punished you your whole life for not being your > deceased sister. > > In my opinion the behaviors you describe meant that your mother was too > severely mentally ill and addicted to have been raising you; she did more > harm than good. > > Not wanting your mother to touch you sounds perfectly normal to me under > such circumstances. I empathize because I felt fear when my mother would > want affection from me; getting close to her terrified me, it meant she was > close enough to hit me or pinch me. > > But, anyway, I feel much empathy for you in your loss. Please be gentle > with yourself, and let yourself mourn so you can pass through it. > > -Annie > > > > > > > Hi - I just had a huge heartbreak/disappointment and I'm wondering if > this > > has to do with my entire family being BPD/NPD... > > This is probably going to be pretty long... > > I haven't talked to ANYONE about this, even though it happened about four > > months ago. > > Okay, background story: > > I was an only child of two severely personality-disordered parents, and > > always yearned for at least one sibling. > > My parents had had a child who died before I was born. She was only 2 > years > > old. Her name was Nina. I was never told about her until I was 10, and > the > > only reason my parents told me about her was because I found a big pile > of > > pictures of my parents with a small girl who looked a lot like me, but > had > > blond hair and blue eyes (my hair and eyes are brown). I was so moved > when > > they told me about her that I burst into tears, and stole one of the > > pictures to keep in my pillowcase. My parents told me to never bring the > > subject of that child up again. Apparently Nina's death had led to all my > > mother's problems - the alcoholism, drug abuse, depression and > > uncontrollable rages. Even though they told me to never talk about my > dead > > sister, they would bring her up whenever I misbehaved or did something > they > > didn't like. " How could you hurt your mother like that when she lost a > > child? " I can't tell you the sick guilt I felt. They also compared me to > > Nina, who was, according to them, a cuddly, well-behaved, brilliant, > > beautiful, perfect little angel, which I, of course, wasn't. " Nina loved > to > > hug and kiss Grandma. What's wrong with YOU? " (Grandma scared me half to > > death. She had a loud, deep, gravelly voice, wore lots of caked on > makeup, > > smoked smelly cigarettes, and wasn't a particularly nice person). Then > there > > was, " You wouldn't have been born if Nina was still here. " > > And as I got older and my mother grew more violent and drank and abused > > drugs - and me - more and more, and in worse ways, and I got angry back > at > > her - and, worst of all, I couldn't feel one iota of love for her - I'd > hear > > variations of " How DARE you be so > > horrible/unloving/mean/uncompassionate/selfish! She lost a child! " > > Oh, the guilt - the guilt - the guilt - > > I just couldn't feel love for her at all. I couldn't stand her to touch > me. > > Simply being around her made me feel ill. I still feel guilty for that. > What > > kind of person doesn't love her mother? What kind of person feels sick > > disgust at the physical presence of her mother? > > Okay, so on with my heartbreak/disappointment. > > In the '70s, when I was 28, my only cousin, the one who's a famous > musician, > > was conducting the San Francisco Symphony, and I was living and working > in > > San Francisco at the time. He and I were sporadically in touch then (my > > mother hadn't yet totally convinced him that I was human trash), and one > day > > we got together and he told me a woman had come to one of his concerts, > gone > > backstage and told him that she was his cousin. Basically MY father was > HER > > father. She was about 20 years old than I was, which made sense, because > my > > father was 57 when I was born, and, before he'd married my mother, had > been > > known to be quite the ladies' man. OHHHH, I was so excited!!!! I HAD A > > SISTER! Even though I hadn't met her, my love just went out to her. I > asked > > my cousin what her name was and he said he couldn't remember, but she > lived > > in Philadelphia. He said she had handed him a piece of paper with her > info > > on it, but he'd lost it. He told me NOT to ask my father about it, but to > > ask his parents (my aunt and uncle), because they would know. > > So that night I called my aunt and uncle, and asked them about it, and > they > > raked me over the coals for being a bad daughter, and how dare I even > > CONSIDER hurting my father like that, and they gave me no info. > > So time goes on, and I search for her in the best way I can. But it's > really > > hard to find someone when you have no first or last name - and there > wasn't > > any Internet to help me. > > For 32 years I yearned to find my sister. Actually, yearning is an > > understatement. > > Over the years, I asked my cousin whether he'd found out more about my > > sister, and he always said, no, I haven't heard from her again and I > still > > don't remember her name. > > So four months ago, I was looking at a Facebook page devoted to my > > grandparents (I'll call them Emma and ) who were quite famous in the > > world of Jewish theater. There was a discussion board, and one of the > posts > > was from a woman who said that Emma and were her > great-grandparents. > > The woman lived in Philadelphia. I was like, oh, my God, THIS IS MY > NIECE. > > MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER! So I friended her on Facebook and left her a > message, > > and she'd put her phone number up on Facebook so I also called her, but > she > > wasn't home so I left a message with her husband. I was too excited to > sleep > > that night. I thought, oh, my God, this is the reward of my lifetime!!!! > > So she calls me the next day. She tells me my father's name is on her > > mother's birth certificate. She tells me her mother's name. It's a > lovely, > > unique French name that isn't often used, and I was surprised my cousin > > would forget it, as he has a brain like a steel trap. Then she tells me > that > > her mother tried for YEARS to meet my (her) father, or to even find out > > something about him. She didn't know where my father was, but she knew > how > > to contact my cousin. She didn't want anything like money or fame by > > association. ALL she wanted was to have that connection to part of her > > family, to just meet or even just talk to her father, to find out > something > > more about him. She wrote several times to my cousin and the first few > times > > he didn't answer, but the last letter she sent received a reply that was > > basically telling her to never try to contact him again. So my cousin > lied > > about not hearing from her. And I highly doubt he didn't know her name. > > So then she decided to look up my cousin's parents, my aunt and uncle > (and > > hers) in the phone book, and they happened to be listed. So she called > them, > > told them who she was, and they also told her - angrily - not to contact > > them again. > > She was devastated, and gave up. > > Well, it turns out she died 10 years ago. Her daughter told me she'd been > a > > lovely, gentle, kind soul, and had been raised by an extremely loving > single > > mother, who had received no help whatsoever from the father (my father). > > My sister married a good man, and had three children. > > So I'm crying now. I missed meeting my sister. But - I have my niece! In > > fact, I have THREE nieces! I'm just bursting with love. So she and I are > > talking, and I tell her I'd really love to meet her one of these days. > And > > she says... > > oh, I don't know. > > How do I know your father is really my father? > > So I said, well, he's on your mother's birth certificate as the father. > > She says, well, you and I are the same age, so how can you be my aunt? > > I was like - gee, aunts and uncles aren't always older than their nieces > and > > nephews. Sometimes they're even younger. And my father was 57 when I was > > born. > > Then she got really cold, hard, dismissive and even sort of mean. > > I felt like I was dealing with a BPD person. Perhaps I was. > > But my heart was broken. > > I still haven't recovered. > > I have tried to get back in touch with her, just to touch base, but she > has > > no interest. > > My > > heart > > is > > broken... > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2011 Report Share Posted August 26, 2011 Hi, . I too have heard about searches for family members ending in disappointment. I guess I was just deeply hoping that I'd finally have ONE family experience that was a positive one. Actually, among my friends who were adopted, their searches for family members ended up very, very well, so I had my hopes way up. I didn't inundate her with calls or emails or anything. I called her once and she called me back, and we talked for over an hour. The next day I wrote her an email saying that I enjoyed talking to her, and hoped we could keep in touch. She wrote back a brief, polite email. Her birthday was about a month later, and I sent her an email wishing her happy birthday. That was it. Sigh, you're right about the situation turning out differently if I were famous. Had I been my famous cousin, she probably would have been on a plane to my house the next day :) Judy > ** > > > Judy, I have heard lots of people tell me that their search for lost family > members ended in disappointment. I think this is the norm; people develop > this idea of what it will be like to find these people, then they are > disappointed when fantasy meets reality. I think this would be especially > true if someone spent years looking for them. You are all excited and > anxious, but they are thinking, " who is this person? " They have their lives > and some people just don't easily let people into their private world. Had > you been famous, things might have been different. > > Give them space. Send them a Christmas card and call them maybe once a year > to check in. Now that you found them, it might take a while to earn their > trust. Keep you expectation low, but keep you heart open. Remind yourself > that these people may be very different from you. You may never have much in > common with them. They are strangers, for the most part. Slow down, give > them lots of space, be patient. It ain't over yet. > > > > > > > Hi - I just had a huge heartbreak/disappointment and I'm wondering if > this > > has to do with my entire family being BPD/NPD... > > This is probably going to be pretty long... > > I haven't talked to ANYONE about this, even though it happened about four > > months ago. > > Okay, background story: > > I was an only child of two severely personality-disordered parents, and > > always yearned for at least one sibling. > > My parents had had a child who died before I was born. She was only 2 > years > > old. Her name was Nina. I was never told about her until I was 10, and > the > > only reason my parents told me about her was because I found a big pile > of > > pictures of my parents with a small girl who looked a lot like me, but > had > > blond hair and blue eyes (my hair and eyes are brown). I was so moved > when > > they told me about her that I burst into tears, and stole one of the > > pictures to keep in my pillowcase. My parents told me to never bring the > > subject of that child up again. Apparently Nina's death had led to all my > > mother's problems - the alcoholism, drug abuse, depression and > > uncontrollable rages. Even though they told me to never talk about my > dead > > sister, they would bring her up whenever I misbehaved or did something > they > > didn't like. " How could you hurt your mother like that when she lost a > > child? " I can't tell you the sick guilt I felt. They also compared me to > > Nina, who was, according to them, a cuddly, well-behaved, brilliant, > > beautiful, perfect little angel, which I, of course, wasn't. " Nina loved > to > > hug and kiss Grandma. What's wrong with YOU? " (Grandma scared me half to > > death. She had a loud, deep, gravelly voice, wore lots of caked on > makeup, > > smoked smelly cigarettes, and wasn't a particularly nice person). Then > there > > was, " You wouldn't have been born if Nina was still here. " > > And as I got older and my mother grew more violent and drank and abused > > drugs - and me - more and more, and in worse ways, and I got angry back > at > > her - and, worst of all, I couldn't feel one iota of love for her - I'd > hear > > variations of " How DARE you be so > > horrible/unloving/mean/uncompassionate/selfish! She lost a child! " > > Oh, the guilt - the guilt - the guilt - > > I just couldn't feel love for her at all. I couldn't stand her to touch > me. > > Simply being around her made me feel ill. I still feel guilty for that. > What > > kind of person doesn't love her mother? What kind of person feels sick > > disgust at the physical presence of her mother? > > Okay, so on with my heartbreak/disappointment. > > In the '70s, when I was 28, my only cousin, the one who's a famous > musician, > > was conducting the San Francisco Symphony, and I was living and working > in > > San Francisco at the time. He and I were sporadically in touch then (my > > mother hadn't yet totally convinced him that I was human trash), and one > day > > we got together and he told me a woman had come to one of his concerts, > gone > > backstage and told him that she was his cousin. Basically MY father was > HER > > father. She was about 20 years old than I was, which made sense, because > my > > father was 57 when I was born, and, before he'd married my mother, had > been > > known to be quite the ladies' man. OHHHH, I was so excited!!!! I HAD A > > SISTER! Even though I hadn't met her, my love just went out to her. I > asked > > my cousin what her name was and he said he couldn't remember, but she > lived > > in Philadelphia. He said she had handed him a piece of paper with her > info > > on it, but he'd lost it. He told me NOT to ask my father about it, but to > > ask his parents (my aunt and uncle), because they would know. > > So that night I called my aunt and uncle, and asked them about it, and > they > > raked me over the coals for being a bad daughter, and how dare I even > > CONSIDER hurting my father like that, and they gave me no info. > > So time goes on, and I search for her in the best way I can. But it's > really > > hard to find someone when you have no first or last name - and there > wasn't > > any Internet to help me. > > For 32 years I yearned to find my sister. Actually, yearning is an > > understatement. > > Over the years, I asked my cousin whether he'd found out more about my > > sister, and he always said, no, I haven't heard from her again and I > still > > don't remember her name. > > So four months ago, I was looking at a Facebook page devoted to my > > grandparents (I'll call them Emma and ) who were quite famous in the > > world of Jewish theater. There was a discussion board, and one of the > posts > > was from a woman who said that Emma and were her > great-grandparents. > > The woman lived in Philadelphia. I was like, oh, my God, THIS IS MY > NIECE. > > MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER! So I friended her on Facebook and left her a > message, > > and she'd put her phone number up on Facebook so I also called her, but > she > > wasn't home so I left a message with her husband. I was too excited to > sleep > > that night. I thought, oh, my God, this is the reward of my lifetime!!!! > > So she calls me the next day. She tells me my father's name is on her > > mother's birth certificate. She tells me her mother's name. It's a > lovely, > > unique French name that isn't often used, and I was surprised my cousin > > would forget it, as he has a brain like a steel trap. Then she tells me > that > > her mother tried for YEARS to meet my (her) father, or to even find out > > something about him. She didn't know where my father was, but she knew > how > > to contact my cousin. She didn't want anything like money or fame by > > association. ALL she wanted was to have that connection to part of her > > family, to just meet or even just talk to her father, to find out > something > > more about him. She wrote several times to my cousin and the first few > times > > he didn't answer, but the last letter she sent received a reply that was > > basically telling her to never try to contact him again. So my cousin > lied > > about not hearing from her. And I highly doubt he didn't know her name. > > So then she decided to look up my cousin's parents, my aunt and uncle > (and > > hers) in the phone book, and they happened to be listed. So she called > them, > > told them who she was, and they also told her - angrily - not to contact > > them again. > > She was devastated, and gave up. > > Well, it turns out she died 10 years ago. Her daughter told me she'd been > a > > lovely, gentle, kind soul, and had been raised by an extremely loving > single > > mother, who had received no help whatsoever from the father (my father). > > My sister married a good man, and had three children. > > So I'm crying now. I missed meeting my sister. But - I have my niece! In > > fact, I have THREE nieces! I'm just bursting with love. So she and I are > > talking, and I tell her I'd really love to meet her one of these days. > And > > she says... > > oh, I don't know. > > How do I know your father is really my father? > > So I said, well, he's on your mother's birth certificate as the father. > > She says, well, you and I are the same age, so how can you be my aunt? > > I was like - gee, aunts and uncles aren't always older than their nieces > and > > nephews. Sometimes they're even younger. And my father was 57 when I was > > born. > > Then she got really cold, hard, dismissive and even sort of mean. > > I felt like I was dealing with a BPD person. Perhaps I was. > > But my heart was broken. > > I still haven't recovered. > > I have tried to get back in touch with her, just to touch base, but she > has > > no interest. > > My > > heart > > is > > broken... > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2011 Report Share Posted August 26, 2011 I'm so sorry you had to go thru that. Where I live we have way too many family interferences and family really is everything, friends come second, so I'm in a totally different situation than you. Family is always butting in to our business, family this, family that. But I guess at the end of the day, we do feel sort of cushioned, knowing that there is so much family out there and that we belong to it. I guess what you're looking for is a sense of belonging, maybe you're missing your roots, maybe you miss real compassionate people. Family are not necessarily the greatest bunch to be around, if you have a few good friends, that's all you really need. So perhaps you can take solace in the fact that sometimes friends are much much better than family - the search must go on, for real, kind, empathetic people for us to be around, family or not... Wishing you the best of luck, N > Hi, . > I too have heard about searches for family members ending in disappointment. > I guess I was just deeply hoping that I'd finally have ONE family experience > that was a positive one. Actually, among my friends who were adopted, their > searches for family members ended up very, very well, so I had my hopes way > up. > I didn't inundate her with calls or emails or anything. I called her once > and she called me back, and we talked for over an hour. The next day I wrote > her an email saying that I enjoyed talking to her, and hoped we could keep > in touch. She wrote back a brief, polite email. Her birthday was about a > month later, and I sent her an email wishing her happy birthday. That was > it. > Sigh, you're right about the situation turning out differently if I were > famous. Had I been my famous cousin, she probably would have been on a plane > to my house the next day :) > Judy > > > >> ** >> >> >> Judy, I have heard lots of people tell me that their search for lost family >> members ended in disappointment. I think this is the norm; people develop >> this idea of what it will be like to find these people, then they are >> disappointed when fantasy meets reality. I think this would be especially >> true if someone spent years looking for them. You are all excited and >> anxious, but they are thinking, " who is this person? " They have their lives >> and some people just don't easily let people into their private world. Had >> you been famous, things might have been different. >> >> Give them space. Send them a Christmas card and call them maybe once a year >> to check in. Now that you found them, it might take a while to earn their >> trust. Keep you expectation low, but keep you heart open. Remind yourself >> that these people may be very different from you. You may never have much in >> common with them. They are strangers, for the most part. Slow down, give >> them lots of space, be patient. It ain't over yet. >> >> >> >>> >>> Hi - I just had a huge heartbreak/disappointment and I'm wondering if >> this >>> has to do with my entire family being BPD/NPD... >>> This is probably going to be pretty long... >>> I haven't talked to ANYONE about this, even though it happened about four >>> months ago. >>> Okay, background story: >>> I was an only child of two severely personality-disordered parents, and >>> always yearned for at least one sibling. >>> My parents had had a child who died before I was born. She was only 2 >> years >>> old. Her name was Nina. I was never told about her until I was 10, and >> the >>> only reason my parents told me about her was because I found a big pile >> of >>> pictures of my parents with a small girl who looked a lot like me, but >> had >>> blond hair and blue eyes (my hair and eyes are brown). I was so moved >> when >>> they told me about her that I burst into tears, and stole one of the >>> pictures to keep in my pillowcase. My parents told me to never bring the >>> subject of that child up again. Apparently Nina's death had led to all my >>> mother's problems - the alcoholism, drug abuse, depression and >>> uncontrollable rages. Even though they told me to never talk about my >> dead >>> sister, they would bring her up whenever I misbehaved or did something >> they >>> didn't like. " How could you hurt your mother like that when she lost a >>> child? " I can't tell you the sick guilt I felt. They also compared me to >>> Nina, who was, according to them, a cuddly, well-behaved, brilliant, >>> beautiful, perfect little angel, which I, of course, wasn't. " Nina loved >> to >>> hug and kiss Grandma. What's wrong with YOU? " (Grandma scared me half to >>> death. She had a loud, deep, gravelly voice, wore lots of caked on >> makeup, >>> smoked smelly cigarettes, and wasn't a particularly nice person). Then >> there >>> was, " You wouldn't have been born if Nina was still here. " >>> And as I got older and my mother grew more violent and drank and abused >>> drugs - and me - more and more, and in worse ways, and I got angry back >> at >>> her - and, worst of all, I couldn't feel one iota of love for her - I'd >> hear >>> variations of " How DARE you be so >>> horrible/unloving/mean/uncompassionate/selfish! She lost a child! " >>> Oh, the guilt - the guilt - the guilt - >>> I just couldn't feel love for her at all. I couldn't stand her to touch >> me. >>> Simply being around her made me feel ill. I still feel guilty for that. >> What >>> kind of person doesn't love her mother? What kind of person feels sick >>> disgust at the physical presence of her mother? >>> Okay, so on with my heartbreak/disappointment. >>> In the '70s, when I was 28, my only cousin, the one who's a famous >> musician, >>> was conducting the San Francisco Symphony, and I was living and working >> in >>> San Francisco at the time. He and I were sporadically in touch then (my >>> mother hadn't yet totally convinced him that I was human trash), and one >> day >>> we got together and he told me a woman had come to one of his concerts, >> gone >>> backstage and told him that she was his cousin. Basically MY father was >> HER >>> father. She was about 20 years old than I was, which made sense, because >> my >>> father was 57 when I was born, and, before he'd married my mother, had >> been >>> known to be quite the ladies' man. OHHHH, I was so excited!!!! I HAD A >>> SISTER! Even though I hadn't met her, my love just went out to her. I >> asked >>> my cousin what her name was and he said he couldn't remember, but she >> lived >>> in Philadelphia. He said she had handed him a piece of paper with her >> info >>> on it, but he'd lost it. He told me NOT to ask my father about it, but to >>> ask his parents (my aunt and uncle), because they would know. >>> So that night I called my aunt and uncle, and asked them about it, and >> they >>> raked me over the coals for being a bad daughter, and how dare I even >>> CONSIDER hurting my father like that, and they gave me no info. >>> So time goes on, and I search for her in the best way I can. But it's >> really >>> hard to find someone when you have no first or last name - and there >> wasn't >>> any Internet to help me. >>> For 32 years I yearned to find my sister. Actually, yearning is an >>> understatement. >>> Over the years, I asked my cousin whether he'd found out more about my >>> sister, and he always said, no, I haven't heard from her again and I >> still >>> don't remember her name. >>> So four months ago, I was looking at a Facebook page devoted to my >>> grandparents (I'll call them Emma and ) who were quite famous in the >>> world of Jewish theater. There was a discussion board, and one of the >> posts >>> was from a woman who said that Emma and were her >> great-grandparents. >>> The woman lived in Philadelphia. I was like, oh, my God, THIS IS MY >> NIECE. >>> MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER! So I friended her on Facebook and left her a >> message, >>> and she'd put her phone number up on Facebook so I also called her, but >> she >>> wasn't home so I left a message with her husband. I was too excited to >> sleep >>> that night. I thought, oh, my God, this is the reward of my lifetime!!!! >>> So she calls me the next day. She tells me my father's name is on her >>> mother's birth certificate. She tells me her mother's name. It's a >> lovely, >>> unique French name that isn't often used, and I was surprised my cousin >>> would forget it, as he has a brain like a steel trap. Then she tells me >> that >>> her mother tried for YEARS to meet my (her) father, or to even find out >>> something about him. She didn't know where my father was, but she knew >> how >>> to contact my cousin. She didn't want anything like money or fame by >>> association. ALL she wanted was to have that connection to part of her >>> family, to just meet or even just talk to her father, to find out >> something >>> more about him. She wrote several times to my cousin and the first few >> times >>> he didn't answer, but the last letter she sent received a reply that was >>> basically telling her to never try to contact him again. So my cousin >> lied >>> about not hearing from her. And I highly doubt he didn't know her name. >>> So then she decided to look up my cousin's parents, my aunt and uncle >> (and >>> hers) in the phone book, and they happened to be listed. So she called >> them, >>> told them who she was, and they also told her - angrily - not to contact >>> them again. >>> She was devastated, and gave up. >>> Well, it turns out she died 10 years ago. Her daughter told me she'd been >> a >>> lovely, gentle, kind soul, and had been raised by an extremely loving >> single >>> mother, who had received no help whatsoever from the father (my father). >>> My sister married a good man, and had three children. >>> So I'm crying now. I missed meeting my sister. But - I have my niece! In >>> fact, I have THREE nieces! I'm just bursting with love. So she and I are >>> talking, and I tell her I'd really love to meet her one of these days. >> And >>> she says... >>> oh, I don't know. >>> How do I know your father is really my father? >>> So I said, well, he's on your mother's birth certificate as the father. >>> She says, well, you and I are the same age, so how can you be my aunt? >>> I was like - gee, aunts and uncles aren't always older than their nieces >> and >>> nephews. Sometimes they're even younger. And my father was 57 when I was >>> born. >>> Then she got really cold, hard, dismissive and even sort of mean. >>> I felt like I was dealing with a BPD person. Perhaps I was. >>> But my heart was broken. >>> I still haven't recovered. >>> I have tried to get back in touch with her, just to touch base, but she >> has >>> no interest. >>> My >>> heart >>> is >>> broken... >>> >>> >>> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2011 Report Share Posted August 26, 2011 Wow Judy - I understand the dead sib being the perfect excuse nada can rely on for the rest of her life - and you can see how LDS culture plus BDP mom = instant lifelong psychiatric treatment!!! I don't think I've ever met anyone before who understood that combo!! I am not familiar with Mr Bluth but I would love to look into it. I knew several Bluths as a kid. And on the topic of family - its never too late never too late never too late. It doesn't mean its not a loss, but its never too late. XOXO girlscout > ** > > > I'm so sorry you had to go thru that. Where I live we have way too many > family interferences and family really is everything, friends come second, > so I'm in a totally different situation than you. Family is always butting > in to our business, family this, family that. But I guess at the end of the > day, we do feel sort of cushioned, knowing that there is so much family out > there and that we belong to it. I guess what you're looking for is a sense > of belonging, maybe you're missing your roots, maybe you miss real > compassionate people. Family are not necessarily the greatest bunch to be > around, if you have a few good friends, that's all you really need. So > perhaps you can take solace in the fact that sometimes friends are much much > better than family - the search must go on, for real, kind, empathetic > people for us to be around, family or not... > Wishing you the best of luck, > N > > > > > > Hi, . > > I too have heard about searches for family members ending in > disappointment. > > I guess I was just deeply hoping that I'd finally have ONE family > experience > > that was a positive one. Actually, among my friends who were adopted, > their > > searches for family members ended up very, very well, so I had my hopes > way > > up. > > I didn't inundate her with calls or emails or anything. I called her once > > and she called me back, and we talked for over an hour. The next day I > wrote > > her an email saying that I enjoyed talking to her, and hoped we could > keep > > in touch. She wrote back a brief, polite email. Her birthday was about a > > month later, and I sent her an email wishing her happy birthday. That was > > it. > > Sigh, you're right about the situation turning out differently if I were > > famous. Had I been my famous cousin, she probably would have been on a > plane > > to my house the next day :) > > Judy > > > > > > > >> ** > >> > >> > >> Judy, I have heard lots of people tell me that their search for lost > family > >> members ended in disappointment. I think this is the norm; people > develop > >> this idea of what it will be like to find these people, then they are > >> disappointed when fantasy meets reality. I think this would be > especially > >> true if someone spent years looking for them. You are all excited and > >> anxious, but they are thinking, " who is this person? " They have their > lives > >> and some people just don't easily let people into their private world. > Had > >> you been famous, things might have been different. > >> > >> Give them space. Send them a Christmas card and call them maybe once a > year > >> to check in. Now that you found them, it might take a while to earn > their > >> trust. Keep you expectation low, but keep you heart open. Remind > yourself > >> that these people may be very different from you. You may never have > much in > >> common with them. They are strangers, for the most part. Slow down, give > >> them lots of space, be patient. It ain't over yet. > >> > >> > >> > >>> > >>> Hi - I just had a huge heartbreak/disappointment and I'm wondering if > >> this > >>> has to do with my entire family being BPD/NPD... > >>> This is probably going to be pretty long... > >>> I haven't talked to ANYONE about this, even though it happened about > four > >>> months ago. > >>> Okay, background story: > >>> I was an only child of two severely personality-disordered parents, and > >>> always yearned for at least one sibling. > >>> My parents had had a child who died before I was born. She was only 2 > >> years > >>> old. Her name was Nina. I was never told about her until I was 10, and > >> the > >>> only reason my parents told me about her was because I found a big pile > >> of > >>> pictures of my parents with a small girl who looked a lot like me, but > >> had > >>> blond hair and blue eyes (my hair and eyes are brown). I was so moved > >> when > >>> they told me about her that I burst into tears, and stole one of the > >>> pictures to keep in my pillowcase. My parents told me to never bring > the > >>> subject of that child up again. Apparently Nina's death had led to all > my > >>> mother's problems - the alcoholism, drug abuse, depression and > >>> uncontrollable rages. Even though they told me to never talk about my > >> dead > >>> sister, they would bring her up whenever I misbehaved or did something > >> they > >>> didn't like. " How could you hurt your mother like that when she lost a > >>> child? " I can't tell you the sick guilt I felt. They also compared me > to > >>> Nina, who was, according to them, a cuddly, well-behaved, brilliant, > >>> beautiful, perfect little angel, which I, of course, wasn't. " Nina > loved > >> to > >>> hug and kiss Grandma. What's wrong with YOU? " (Grandma scared me half > to > >>> death. She had a loud, deep, gravelly voice, wore lots of caked on > >> makeup, > >>> smoked smelly cigarettes, and wasn't a particularly nice person). Then > >> there > >>> was, " You wouldn't have been born if Nina was still here. " > >>> And as I got older and my mother grew more violent and drank and abused > >>> drugs - and me - more and more, and in worse ways, and I got angry back > >> at > >>> her - and, worst of all, I couldn't feel one iota of love for her - I'd > >> hear > >>> variations of " How DARE you be so > >>> horrible/unloving/mean/uncompassionate/selfish! She lost a child! " > >>> Oh, the guilt - the guilt - the guilt - > >>> I just couldn't feel love for her at all. I couldn't stand her to touch > >> me. > >>> Simply being around her made me feel ill. I still feel guilty for that. > >> What > >>> kind of person doesn't love her mother? What kind of person feels sick > >>> disgust at the physical presence of her mother? > >>> Okay, so on with my heartbreak/disappointment. > >>> In the '70s, when I was 28, my only cousin, the one who's a famous > >> musician, > >>> was conducting the San Francisco Symphony, and I was living and working > >> in > >>> San Francisco at the time. He and I were sporadically in touch then (my > >>> mother hadn't yet totally convinced him that I was human trash), and > one > >> day > >>> we got together and he told me a woman had come to one of his concerts, > >> gone > >>> backstage and told him that she was his cousin. Basically MY father was > >> HER > >>> father. She was about 20 years old than I was, which made sense, > because > >> my > >>> father was 57 when I was born, and, before he'd married my mother, had > >> been > >>> known to be quite the ladies' man. OHHHH, I was so excited!!!! I HAD A > >>> SISTER! Even though I hadn't met her, my love just went out to her. I > >> asked > >>> my cousin what her name was and he said he couldn't remember, but she > >> lived > >>> in Philadelphia. He said she had handed him a piece of paper with her > >> info > >>> on it, but he'd lost it. He told me NOT to ask my father about it, but > to > >>> ask his parents (my aunt and uncle), because they would know. > >>> So that night I called my aunt and uncle, and asked them about it, and > >> they > >>> raked me over the coals for being a bad daughter, and how dare I even > >>> CONSIDER hurting my father like that, and they gave me no info. > >>> So time goes on, and I search for her in the best way I can. But it's > >> really > >>> hard to find someone when you have no first or last name - and there > >> wasn't > >>> any Internet to help me. > >>> For 32 years I yearned to find my sister. Actually, yearning is an > >>> understatement. > >>> Over the years, I asked my cousin whether he'd found out more about my > >>> sister, and he always said, no, I haven't heard from her again and I > >> still > >>> don't remember her name. > >>> So four months ago, I was looking at a Facebook page devoted to my > >>> grandparents (I'll call them Emma and ) who were quite famous in > the > >>> world of Jewish theater. There was a discussion board, and one of the > >> posts > >>> was from a woman who said that Emma and were her > >> great-grandparents. > >>> The woman lived in Philadelphia. I was like, oh, my God, THIS IS MY > >> NIECE. > >>> MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER! So I friended her on Facebook and left her a > >> message, > >>> and she'd put her phone number up on Facebook so I also called her, but > >> she > >>> wasn't home so I left a message with her husband. I was too excited to > >> sleep > >>> that night. I thought, oh, my God, this is the reward of my > lifetime!!!! > >>> So she calls me the next day. She tells me my father's name is on her > >>> mother's birth certificate. She tells me her mother's name. It's a > >> lovely, > >>> unique French name that isn't often used, and I was surprised my cousin > >>> would forget it, as he has a brain like a steel trap. Then she tells me > >> that > >>> her mother tried for YEARS to meet my (her) father, or to even find out > >>> something about him. She didn't know where my father was, but she knew > >> how > >>> to contact my cousin. She didn't want anything like money or fame by > >>> association. ALL she wanted was to have that connection to part of her > >>> family, to just meet or even just talk to her father, to find out > >> something > >>> more about him. She wrote several times to my cousin and the first few > >> times > >>> he didn't answer, but the last letter she sent received a reply that > was > >>> basically telling her to never try to contact him again. So my cousin > >> lied > >>> about not hearing from her. And I highly doubt he didn't know her name. > >>> So then she decided to look up my cousin's parents, my aunt and uncle > >> (and > >>> hers) in the phone book, and they happened to be listed. So she called > >> them, > >>> told them who she was, and they also told her - angrily - not to > contact > >>> them again. > >>> She was devastated, and gave up. > >>> Well, it turns out she died 10 years ago. Her daughter told me she'd > been > >> a > >>> lovely, gentle, kind soul, and had been raised by an extremely loving > >> single > >>> mother, who had received no help whatsoever from the father (my > father). > >>> My sister married a good man, and had three children. > >>> So I'm crying now. I missed meeting my sister. But - I have my niece! > In > >>> fact, I have THREE nieces! I'm just bursting with love. So she and I > are > >>> talking, and I tell her I'd really love to meet her one of these days. > >> And > >>> she says... > >>> oh, I don't know. > >>> How do I know your father is really my father? > >>> So I said, well, he's on your mother's birth certificate as the father. > >>> She says, well, you and I are the same age, so how can you be my aunt? > >>> I was like - gee, aunts and uncles aren't always older than their > nieces > >> and > >>> nephews. Sometimes they're even younger. And my father was 57 when I > was > >>> born. > >>> Then she got really cold, hard, dismissive and even sort of mean. > >>> I felt like I was dealing with a BPD person. Perhaps I was. > >>> But my heart was broken. > >>> I still haven't recovered. > >>> I have tried to get back in touch with her, just to touch base, but she > >> has > >>> no interest. > >>> My > >>> heart > >>> is > >>> broken... > >>> > >>> > >>> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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