Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 wounded healer, we talk about boundaries a lot here, but I don't think that many of us understand the true purpose of boundaries. I think most people create boundaries in order to gain control over the world around them (ie, mother is not allowed in this house). These types of boundaries are sometimes necessary; I have had to set some boundaries like this in my life. However, these types of boundaries are not the most effective in improving our quality of life. It has been my experience that there is very little we can do to control the world around us; at least that is what my therapist kept telling me. Our greatest level of control is found within. We can control how we behave and react to the world. We only have marginal control over other people, at best, and it take a lot more energy. However, our own behavior is actually under our full control, for the most part. Thus, boundaries that we place on ourselves are much more affective in improving our quality of life. One boundary I have for myself is, when someone steps in trying to take control of something that is mine, I take back control by: 1. listening to the person, to understand why they think I am unable to manage my own life 2. authoritatively, but compassionately assure them that I do not want them to be responsible for said issue, that I already have things under control, and that I do not want their involvement in this area. 3. after " lowering the boom " on them, I validate their concerns, help them " save face, " and thank them for loving me (I always assume they love me). This boundary acknowledges that the other person may choose to continue with their annoying attempts to control me, but that is ok, because the boundary is not for them anyway. The boundary is meant to control " me " and " my " response. My boundary controls my response to another persons behavior toward me, which will always be the same, according to my boundary on myself. I have found the above boundary to be extremely effective at improving my quality of life. It may not work the first time, but if I continue to force myself to obey my own boundary, it usually brings better understanding into my strained relationship. I play it like a broken record, exactly the same every time, no matter how irritated I am inside. This is a matter of " self discipline. " A less effective boundary, aimed at controlling someone else, might sound like this: " You " are being controlling! " You have no right to tell me what to do and I will not stand for it! If " you " don't stop I will (insert threat here). Here, you have become the controller and you are trying to coerce someone into compliance via aggression and threats (ultimatums). It may be true that " they started it. " However, you are still not focused on controlling the area of your life that you have the most control of; " your own self. " Don't get me wrong, both boundaries are necessary. However, if you want true happiness, you need more healthy boundaries that control " you own self " and less boundaries aimed at controlling " other people. " There are a lot of good books out there on healthy boundaries. As adult children of BP parents, we naturally suck at boundaries. This is a universal truth. A real eye opener for me was this book: Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne (Aug 18, 2000) ***Of course, Randi Kreger's book: The Essential Family Guide, is a must read. > > Thanks for the welcome Echobabe and , > > , what you said " all the while not being able to be authentic with nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the past that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut out, punished. " is so very true. It hurts to not be able to be authentic with my mom. It means we always have to be on guard, watching what we say. > > I am so glad that your father was able to shield you somewhat. Did you ever feel " safe " because of that? I am assuming not, because it sounds like you have just come to that realization. > > My older brother tried to shield me, but I didn't realize it until I was an adult. He actually could be quite abusive to me as well and beat me on several occasions. He learned the physical abuse from my dad I'm sure and had so much anger because of the things going on in our home. Even so, he did protect me in ways. Funny, because until recently he thought he had shielded me so much that I was pretty much unaware of most of all the abuse from mom and dad that went on. He never even considered that I was a victim of it too. He's finally come to the realization that I too was abused and how much it had escalated after he moved out. My dad actually held a boulder over my head intending to bash my head in with it when I was 18. I remember the terror in his eyes when he realized what he was doing. Thank God he dropped the boulder. The positive was that he stopped drinking after that. > > Sorry, went off on a bunny trail there. I am hurting really bad right now. I've known intellectually for years that I'm not the cause of my mom's illness, nor am I responsible for trying to change her. Even so, I think there is a core part of me that still believes that if I just do or say the right thing, she'll get it. Maybe now realizing that, at > 76 years old, my Nada is never going to get well is causing me to grieve both what is and what could have been. > > I am sure that there is a lot of anger in me, but I am terrified of anger, both in others and myself. My therapist wants me to roll play, by us pretending to put my mother in a chair with me standing in front of it and telling her what I really think. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Instead I turn the anger inward and become depressed. > > So, how do you feel good? Even with boundaries I feel guilty. I didn't talk with her at all for 10 years. That felt horrible too so I started speaking with her 5 years ago, once all 3 of our sons had moved out. My brother and all 3 step siblings won't allow my mother in their homes nor will my husband of 33 year which of course causes problems. If it wasn't that though, it would be something else, because nothing is ever enough. She's an empty pit that can't be filled. Then she can be this wonderful, fantastic, intelligent and fun to be with person. Even knowing it's BPD, the flip flops are so confusing. > > I know this, I know it's her problem. I've been a good daughter. I still keep the boundaries in place and can handle her crap fairly well for awhile. Sometimes though the roller coaster goes on for so long that it triggers me and because I can't tell her what I really feel or think I end up worn down and in a hellish pit of depression. It just all seems so hopeless. > > Have you or anybody here been able to find a way to feel good about themselves for any length of time? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Thanks for the book recommendation and the response PDFF. I appreciate what you are saying and totally agree with you that we cannot change another person, only ourselves and how we respond. I appreciate the empathy you seem to have for your BPD. I am trying to get there. At times I do, but it is awfully hard when she is constantly leaving me voicemails about how rotten I am because of whatever it is that I'm not doing for her at the time. My boundary is a self imposed one. Simply, I will not engage in a conversation in which I or my loved ones are being verbally attacked. Nor will I allow myself to be pulled into conflict that they may have between each other or manipulated into conceding to whatever it is she wants me to do that I don't wish to do. I will state politely, calmly and firmly that I understand my Nada is upset and am sorry that she is, but that I don't wish to be pulled into their conflict. That it is between them and she needs to work it out with them. If she is attacking me, same thing, empathy such as " I am sorry you feel that way about me, but....whatever it is (I can't come down to her place at this time, I don't want to be put in the middle...whatever it is that she is telling me I am awful about.) Setting the boundary and how I will handle any given situation verses " I won't " (e.g. get angry or upset etc.) seems to work best for me. Still it is exhausting to have to be constantly vigilant to not take it personally and trying to keep from turning it inward. > > > > Thanks for the welcome Echobabe and , > > > > , what you said " all the while not being able to be authentic with nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the past that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut out, punished. " is so very true. It hurts to not be able to be authentic with my mom. It means we always have to be on guard, watching what we say. > > > > I am so glad that your father was able to shield you somewhat. Did you ever feel " safe " because of that? I am assuming not, because it sounds like you have just come to that realization. > > > > My older brother tried to shield me, but I didn't realize it until I was an adult. He actually could be quite abusive to me as well and beat me on several occasions. He learned the physical abuse from my dad I'm sure and had so much anger because of the things going on in our home. Even so, he did protect me in ways. Funny, because until recently he thought he had shielded me so much that I was pretty much unaware of most of all the abuse from mom and dad that went on. He never even considered that I was a victim of it too. He's finally come to the realization that I too was abused and how much it had escalated after he moved out. My dad actually held a boulder over my head intending to bash my head in with it when I was 18. I remember the terror in his eyes when he realized what he was doing. Thank God he dropped the boulder. The positive was that he stopped drinking after that. > > > > Sorry, went off on a bunny trail there. I am hurting really bad right now. I've known intellectually for years that I'm not the cause of my mom's illness, nor am I responsible for trying to change her. Even so, I think there is a core part of me that still believes that if I just do or say the right thing, she'll get it. Maybe now realizing that, at > > 76 years old, my Nada is never going to get well is causing me to grieve both what is and what could have been. > > > > I am sure that there is a lot of anger in me, but I am terrified of anger, both in others and myself. My therapist wants me to roll play, by us pretending to put my mother in a chair with me standing in front of it and telling her what I really think. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Instead I turn the anger inward and become depressed. > > > > So, how do you feel good? Even with boundaries I feel guilty. I didn't talk with her at all for 10 years. That felt horrible too so I started speaking with her 5 years ago, once all 3 of our sons had moved out. My brother and all 3 step siblings won't allow my mother in their homes nor will my husband of 33 year which of course causes problems. If it wasn't that though, it would be something else, because nothing is ever enough. She's an empty pit that can't be filled. Then she can be this wonderful, fantastic, intelligent and fun to be with person. Even knowing it's BPD, the flip flops are so confusing. > > > > I know this, I know it's her problem. I've been a good daughter. I still keep the boundaries in place and can handle her crap fairly well for awhile. Sometimes though the roller coaster goes on for so long that it triggers me and because I can't tell her what I really feel or think I end up worn down and in a hellish pit of depression. It just all seems so hopeless. > > > > Have you or anybody here been able to find a way to feel good about themselves for any length of time? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 another book I recommend regularly is: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg and Arun Gandhi (Sep 1, 2003) This is the most important book I have ever read (and I have read tons). This book changed my life, the way I see the world, and interact with others. It teaches you how to completely disarm abusive people by being authentic and true to yourself, without being confrontational. Everyone on planet earth needs a copy of this book. > > > > > > Thanks for the welcome Echobabe and , > > > > > > , what you said " all the while not being able to be authentic with nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the past that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut out, punished. " is so very true. It hurts to not be able to be authentic with my mom. It means we always have to be on guard, watching what we say. > > > > > > I am so glad that your father was able to shield you somewhat. Did you ever feel " safe " because of that? I am assuming not, because it sounds like you have just come to that realization. > > > > > > My older brother tried to shield me, but I didn't realize it until I was an adult. He actually could be quite abusive to me as well and beat me on several occasions. He learned the physical abuse from my dad I'm sure and had so much anger because of the things going on in our home. Even so, he did protect me in ways. Funny, because until recently he thought he had shielded me so much that I was pretty much unaware of most of all the abuse from mom and dad that went on. He never even considered that I was a victim of it too. He's finally come to the realization that I too was abused and how much it had escalated after he moved out. My dad actually held a boulder over my head intending to bash my head in with it when I was 18. I remember the terror in his eyes when he realized what he was doing. Thank God he dropped the boulder. The positive was that he stopped drinking after that. > > > > > > Sorry, went off on a bunny trail there. I am hurting really bad right now. I've known intellectually for years that I'm not the cause of my mom's illness, nor am I responsible for trying to change her. Even so, I think there is a core part of me that still believes that if I just do or say the right thing, she'll get it. Maybe now realizing that, at > > > 76 years old, my Nada is never going to get well is causing me to grieve both what is and what could have been. > > > > > > I am sure that there is a lot of anger in me, but I am terrified of anger, both in others and myself. My therapist wants me to roll play, by us pretending to put my mother in a chair with me standing in front of it and telling her what I really think. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Instead I turn the anger inward and become depressed. > > > > > > So, how do you feel good? Even with boundaries I feel guilty. I didn't talk with her at all for 10 years. That felt horrible too so I started speaking with her 5 years ago, once all 3 of our sons had moved out. My brother and all 3 step siblings won't allow my mother in their homes nor will my husband of 33 year which of course causes problems. If it wasn't that though, it would be something else, because nothing is ever enough. She's an empty pit that can't be filled. Then she can be this wonderful, fantastic, intelligent and fun to be with person. Even knowing it's BPD, the flip flops are so confusing. > > > > > > I know this, I know it's her problem. I've been a good daughter. I still keep the boundaries in place and can handle her crap fairly well for awhile. Sometimes though the roller coaster goes on for so long that it triggers me and because I can't tell her what I really feel or think I end up worn down and in a hellish pit of depression. It just all seems so hopeless. > > > > > > Have you or anybody here been able to find a way to feel good about themselves for any length of time? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 I agree. Boundries I have set that have really helped me are: Instead of agreeing to something like a 7-9 hour FOO Chritmas gathering I tell my FOO my family will be attending for 4 hours. Reasonable, doable and I let them know ahead of time so it is respectful. I see my mom, but make it times that work for me, as well as her, and usually schedule times it is just the two of us (not all FOO). This goes much better. I let my family know about it so they can join us if they want, but I do not insist or expect it from them. Whole new shift/boundry for me and it has helped a lot in my own family. I put up a wall before I visit my FOO and even wear a favorite necklace to help " protect " me. May sound a bit hokey, but it does help. I grieve the loss of what I thought I had and now am focusing on being in the present moment and shifting my expectations so I find some good in my FOO experiences. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it is a reach - but it is still important to me so I continue. > > > > Thanks for the welcome Echobabe and , > > > > , what you said " all the while not being able to be authentic with nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the past that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut out, punished. " is so very true. It hurts to not be able to be authentic with my mom. It means we always have to be on guard, watching what we say. > > > > I am so glad that your father was able to shield you somewhat. Did you ever feel " safe " because of that? I am assuming not, because it sounds like you have just come to that realization. > > > > My older brother tried to shield me, but I didn't realize it until I was an adult. He actually could be quite abusive to me as well and beat me on several occasions. He learned the physical abuse from my dad I'm sure and had so much anger because of the things going on in our home. Even so, he did protect me in ways. Funny, because until recently he thought he had shielded me so much that I was pretty much unaware of most of all the abuse from mom and dad that went on. He never even considered that I was a victim of it too. He's finally come to the realization that I too was abused and how much it had escalated after he moved out. My dad actually held a boulder over my head intending to bash my head in with it when I was 18. I remember the terror in his eyes when he realized what he was doing. Thank God he dropped the boulder. The positive was that he stopped drinking after that. > > > > Sorry, went off on a bunny trail there. I am hurting really bad right now. I've known intellectually for years that I'm not the cause of my mom's illness, nor am I responsible for trying to change her. Even so, I think there is a core part of me that still believes that if I just do or say the right thing, she'll get it. Maybe now realizing that, at > > 76 years old, my Nada is never going to get well is causing me to grieve both what is and what could have been. > > > > I am sure that there is a lot of anger in me, but I am terrified of anger, both in others and myself. My therapist wants me to roll play, by us pretending to put my mother in a chair with me standing in front of it and telling her what I really think. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Instead I turn the anger inward and become depressed. > > > > So, how do you feel good? Even with boundaries I feel guilty. I didn't talk with her at all for 10 years. That felt horrible too so I started speaking with her 5 years ago, once all 3 of our sons had moved out. My brother and all 3 step siblings won't allow my mother in their homes nor will my husband of 33 year which of course causes problems. If it wasn't that though, it would be something else, because nothing is ever enough. She's an empty pit that can't be filled. Then she can be this wonderful, fantastic, intelligent and fun to be with person. Even knowing it's BPD, the flip flops are so confusing. > > > > I know this, I know it's her problem. I've been a good daughter. I still keep the boundaries in place and can handle her crap fairly well for awhile. Sometimes though the roller coaster goes on for so long that it triggers me and because I can't tell her what I really feel or think I end up worn down and in a hellish pit of depression. It just all seems so hopeless. > > > > Have you or anybody here been able to find a way to feel good about themselves for any length of time? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Ok guys this is way off topic, but my friends have been talking a lot about a " compliment sandwich " this is accepted practice in the business community - or at least I think they taught it in maybe the 90s or something - and goes something like this (only for this example I will use nada in place of employee/client/employer type of thing): " Hey Mom, your hair looks nice today, " says son or daughter. " But, when you call me 37 times in an hour, i feel angry and I find it unacceptable.If you do it again, i'm going to shave my head and move to tibet and you will never see me again. " " And by the way, I like your new car. " The end I think we should all go give our nada's a nice big compliment sandwich right about now, what do you think? Kay that just made me laugh - one of my friends was on a roll of getting one almost every day from his " boss " who wasn't really a boss. . . > ** > > > I agree. Boundries I have set that have really helped me are: > Instead of agreeing to something like a 7-9 hour FOO Chritmas gathering I > tell my FOO my family will be attending for 4 hours. Reasonable, doable and > I let them know ahead of time so it is respectful. I see my mom, but make it > times that work for me, as well as her, and usually schedule times it is > just the two of us (not all FOO). This goes much better. I let my family > know about it so they can join us if they want, but I do not insist or > expect it from them. Whole new shift/boundry for me and it has helped a lot > in my own family. I put up a wall before I visit my FOO and even wear a > favorite necklace to help " protect " me. May sound a bit hokey, but it does > help. I grieve the loss of what I thought I had and now am focusing on being > in the present moment and shifting my expectations so I find some good in my > FOO experiences. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it is a reach - but it > is still important to me so I continue. > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for the welcome Echobabe and , > > > > > > , what you said " all the while not being able to be authentic with > nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the past > that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut out, > punished. " is so very true. It hurts to not be able to be authentic with my > mom. It means we always have to be on guard, watching what we say. > > > > > > I am so glad that your father was able to shield you somewhat. Did you > ever feel " safe " because of that? I am assuming not, because it sounds like > you have just come to that realization. > > > > > > My older brother tried to shield me, but I didn't realize it until I > was an adult. He actually could be quite abusive to me as well and beat me > on several occasions. He learned the physical abuse from my dad I'm sure and > had so much anger because of the things going on in our home. Even so, he > did protect me in ways. Funny, because until recently he thought he had > shielded me so much that I was pretty much unaware of most of all the abuse > from mom and dad that went on. He never even considered that I was a victim > of it too. He's finally come to the realization that I too was abused and > how much it had escalated after he moved out. My dad actually held a boulder > over my head intending to bash my head in with it when I was 18. I remember > the terror in his eyes when he realized what he was doing. Thank God he > dropped the boulder. The positive was that he stopped drinking after that. > > > > > > Sorry, went off on a bunny trail there. I am hurting really bad right > now. I've known intellectually for years that I'm not the cause of my mom's > illness, nor am I responsible for trying to change her. Even so, I think > there is a core part of me that still believes that if I just do or say the > right thing, she'll get it. Maybe now realizing that, at > > > 76 years old, my Nada is never going to get well is causing me to > grieve both what is and what could have been. > > > > > > I am sure that there is a lot of anger in me, but I am terrified of > anger, both in others and myself. My therapist wants me to roll play, by us > pretending to put my mother in a chair with me standing in front of it and > telling her what I really think. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. > Instead I turn the anger inward and become depressed. > > > > > > So, how do you feel good? Even with boundaries I feel guilty. I didn't > talk with her at all for 10 years. That felt horrible too so I started > speaking with her 5 years ago, once all 3 of our sons had moved out. My > brother and all 3 step siblings won't allow my mother in their homes nor > will my husband of 33 year which of course causes problems. If it wasn't > that though, it would be something else, because nothing is ever enough. > She's an empty pit that can't be filled. Then she can be this wonderful, > fantastic, intelligent and fun to be with person. Even knowing it's BPD, the > flip flops are so confusing. > > > > > > I know this, I know it's her problem. I've been a good daughter. I > still keep the boundaries in place and can handle her crap fairly well for > awhile. Sometimes though the roller coaster goes on for so long that it > triggers me and because I can't tell her what I really feel or think I end > up worn down and in a hellish pit of depression. It just all seems so > hopeless. > > > > > > Have you or anybody here been able to find a way to feel good about > themselves for any length of time? > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 That was hilarious Cowboy....thanks for the smile and the chuckle ;~) Actually, I think the compliment sandwich (BTW, I've never heard it called that)is the most effective way to offer constructive criticism. Never really thought about using it in this context though. Great idea! I do know that using something similar works well. I reassure my Nada that I love her very much and that our relationship is important to me, then explain a boundary (one I've most likely explained numerous times before)and follow up with, " I really love you and our relationship is important to me " . My problem is that I usually get so upset that I just remind her of the boundary (albeit calmly and firmly) and if she continues I tell her we'll talk later. I need to somehow get the former to be a second nature response, instead of having to rationally think it thru first! > > > > > > > > Thanks for the welcome Echobabe and , > > > > > > > > , what you said " all the while not being able to be authentic with > > nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the past > > that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut out, > > punished. " is so very true. It hurts to not be able to be authentic with my > > mom. It means we always have to be on guard, watching what we say. > > > > > > > > I am so glad that your father was able to shield you somewhat. Did you > > ever feel " safe " because of that? I am assuming not, because it sounds like > > you have just come to that realization. > > > > > > > > My older brother tried to shield me, but I didn't realize it until I > > was an adult. He actually could be quite abusive to me as well and beat me > > on several occasions. He learned the physical abuse from my dad I'm sure and > > had so much anger because of the things going on in our home. Even so, he > > did protect me in ways. Funny, because until recently he thought he had > > shielded me so much that I was pretty much unaware of most of all the abuse > > from mom and dad that went on. He never even considered that I was a victim > > of it too. He's finally come to the realization that I too was abused and > > how much it had escalated after he moved out. My dad actually held a boulder > > over my head intending to bash my head in with it when I was 18. I remember > > the terror in his eyes when he realized what he was doing. Thank God he > > dropped the boulder. The positive was that he stopped drinking after that. > > > > > > > > Sorry, went off on a bunny trail there. I am hurting really bad right > > now. I've known intellectually for years that I'm not the cause of my mom's > > illness, nor am I responsible for trying to change her. Even so, I think > > there is a core part of me that still believes that if I just do or say the > > right thing, she'll get it. Maybe now realizing that, at > > > > 76 years old, my Nada is never going to get well is causing me to > > grieve both what is and what could have been. > > > > > > > > I am sure that there is a lot of anger in me, but I am terrified of > > anger, both in others and myself. My therapist wants me to roll play, by us > > pretending to put my mother in a chair with me standing in front of it and > > telling her what I really think. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. > > Instead I turn the anger inward and become depressed. > > > > > > > > So, how do you feel good? Even with boundaries I feel guilty. I didn't > > talk with her at all for 10 years. That felt horrible too so I started > > speaking with her 5 years ago, once all 3 of our sons had moved out. My > > brother and all 3 step siblings won't allow my mother in their homes nor > > will my husband of 33 year which of course causes problems. If it wasn't > > that though, it would be something else, because nothing is ever enough. > > She's an empty pit that can't be filled. Then she can be this wonderful, > > fantastic, intelligent and fun to be with person. Even knowing it's BPD, the > > flip flops are so confusing. > > > > > > > > I know this, I know it's her problem. I've been a good daughter. I > > still keep the boundaries in place and can handle her crap fairly well for > > awhile. Sometimes though the roller coaster goes on for so long that it > > triggers me and because I can't tell her what I really feel or think I end > > up worn down and in a hellish pit of depression. It just all seems so > > hopeless. > > > > > > > > Have you or anybody here been able to find a way to feel good about > > themselves for any length of time? > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 I thought that was funny as well. I have found compliment sandwiches to be very useful in most relationships. However, BPs tend to be very black and white and they tend to hyper focus on the negative. I have found that they tend to blow up at the criticism before you can finish the sandwich. I have also noticed that BPs are sensitive to compliments, because compliments are perceived as pressure. They prefer recognition (thank yous and appreciation). > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for the welcome Echobabe and , > > > > > > > > > > , what you said " all the while not being able to be authentic with > > > nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the past > > > that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut out, > > > punished. " is so very true. It hurts to not be able to be authentic with my > > > mom. It means we always have to be on guard, watching what we say. > > > > > > > > > > I am so glad that your father was able to shield you somewhat. Did you > > > ever feel " safe " because of that? I am assuming not, because it sounds like > > > you have just come to that realization. > > > > > > > > > > My older brother tried to shield me, but I didn't realize it until I > > > was an adult. He actually could be quite abusive to me as well and beat me > > > on several occasions. He learned the physical abuse from my dad I'm sure and > > > had so much anger because of the things going on in our home. Even so, he > > > did protect me in ways. Funny, because until recently he thought he had > > > shielded me so much that I was pretty much unaware of most of all the abuse > > > from mom and dad that went on. He never even considered that I was a victim > > > of it too. He's finally come to the realization that I too was abused and > > > how much it had escalated after he moved out. My dad actually held a boulder > > > over my head intending to bash my head in with it when I was 18. I remember > > > the terror in his eyes when he realized what he was doing. Thank God he > > > dropped the boulder. The positive was that he stopped drinking after that. > > > > > > > > > > Sorry, went off on a bunny trail there. I am hurting really bad right > > > now. I've known intellectually for years that I'm not the cause of my mom's > > > illness, nor am I responsible for trying to change her. Even so, I think > > > there is a core part of me that still believes that if I just do or say the > > > right thing, she'll get it. Maybe now realizing that, at > > > > > 76 years old, my Nada is never going to get well is causing me to > > > grieve both what is and what could have been. > > > > > > > > > > I am sure that there is a lot of anger in me, but I am terrified of > > > anger, both in others and myself. My therapist wants me to roll play, by us > > > pretending to put my mother in a chair with me standing in front of it and > > > telling her what I really think. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. > > > Instead I turn the anger inward and become depressed. > > > > > > > > > > So, how do you feel good? Even with boundaries I feel guilty. I didn't > > > talk with her at all for 10 years. That felt horrible too so I started > > > speaking with her 5 years ago, once all 3 of our sons had moved out. My > > > brother and all 3 step siblings won't allow my mother in their homes nor > > > will my husband of 33 year which of course causes problems. If it wasn't > > > that though, it would be something else, because nothing is ever enough. > > > She's an empty pit that can't be filled. Then she can be this wonderful, > > > fantastic, intelligent and fun to be with person. Even knowing it's BPD, the > > > flip flops are so confusing. > > > > > > > > > > I know this, I know it's her problem. I've been a good daughter. I > > > still keep the boundaries in place and can handle her crap fairly well for > > > awhile. Sometimes though the roller coaster goes on for so long that it > > > triggers me and because I can't tell her what I really feel or think I end > > > up worn down and in a hellish pit of depression. It just all seems so > > > hopeless. > > > > > > > > > > Have you or anybody here been able to find a way to feel good about > > > themselves for any length of time? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 Damnit Nada, I wasn't done with my SAMITCH!!!!!! > ** > > > I thought that was funny as well. I have found compliment sandwiches to be > very useful in most relationships. However, BPs tend to be very black and > white and they tend to hyper focus on the negative. I have found that they > tend to blow up at the criticism before you can finish the sandwich. I have > also noticed that BPs are sensitive to compliments, because compliments are > perceived as pressure. They prefer recognition (thank yous and > appreciation). > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for the welcome Echobabe and , > > > > > > > > > > > > , what you said " all the while not being able to be > authentic with > > > > nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the > past > > > > that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut > out, > > > > punished. " is so very true. It hurts to not be able to be authentic > with my > > > > mom. It means we always have to be on guard, watching what we say. > > > > > > > > > > > > I am so glad that your father was able to shield you somewhat. > Did you > > > > ever feel " safe " because of that? I am assuming not, because it > sounds like > > > > you have just come to that realization. > > > > > > > > > > > > My older brother tried to shield me, but I didn't realize it > until I > > > > was an adult. He actually could be quite abusive to me as well and > beat me > > > > on several occasions. He learned the physical abuse from my dad I'm > sure and > > > > had so much anger because of the things going on in our home. Even > so, he > > > > did protect me in ways. Funny, because until recently he thought he > had > > > > shielded me so much that I was pretty much unaware of most of all the > abuse > > > > from mom and dad that went on. He never even considered that I was a > victim > > > > of it too. He's finally come to the realization that I too was abused > and > > > > how much it had escalated after he moved out. My dad actually held a > boulder > > > > over my head intending to bash my head in with it when I was 18. I > remember > > > > the terror in his eyes when he realized what he was doing. Thank God > he > > > > dropped the boulder. The positive was that he stopped drinking after > that. > > > > > > > > > > > > Sorry, went off on a bunny trail there. I am hurting really bad > right > > > > now. I've known intellectually for years that I'm not the cause of my > mom's > > > > illness, nor am I responsible for trying to change her. Even so, I > think > > > > there is a core part of me that still believes that if I just do or > say the > > > > right thing, she'll get it. Maybe now realizing that, at > > > > > > 76 years old, my Nada is never going to get well is causing me to > > > > grieve both what is and what could have been. > > > > > > > > > > > > I am sure that there is a lot of anger in me, but I am terrified > of > > > > anger, both in others and myself. My therapist wants me to roll play, > by us > > > > pretending to put my mother in a chair with me standing in front of > it and > > > > telling her what I really think. I just can't seem to bring myself to > do it. > > > > Instead I turn the anger inward and become depressed. > > > > > > > > > > > > So, how do you feel good? Even with boundaries I feel guilty. I > didn't > > > > talk with her at all for 10 years. That felt horrible too so I > started > > > > speaking with her 5 years ago, once all 3 of our sons had moved out. > My > > > > brother and all 3 step siblings won't allow my mother in their homes > nor > > > > will my husband of 33 year which of course causes problems. If it > wasn't > > > > that though, it would be something else, because nothing is ever > enough. > > > > She's an empty pit that can't be filled. Then she can be this > wonderful, > > > > fantastic, intelligent and fun to be with person. Even knowing it's > BPD, the > > > > flip flops are so confusing. > > > > > > > > > > > > I know this, I know it's her problem. I've been a good daughter. > I > > > > still keep the boundaries in place and can handle her crap fairly > well for > > > > awhile. Sometimes though the roller coaster goes on for so long that > it > > > > triggers me and because I can't tell her what I really feel or think > I end > > > > up worn down and in a hellish pit of depression. It just all seems so > > > > hopeless. > > > > > > > > > > > > Have you or anybody here been able to find a way to feel good > about > > > > themselves for any length of time? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 I think you are absolutely right about the recognition . My Nada does enjoy compliments, but I think recognition settles her down more than anything else. Funny thing is, I have no problem giving it to her when she is acting fine. When she starts manipulating though.....I start to rebel. At least inside if not in my actions. I don't want to do anything positive for her at that point. I realize that implementing positive actions would be in both our best interest, but about the best I can muster at this point is to be polite and firm. The other hard thing for me is to let go of expectations that I can do or say something that will make a difference with her. Well, other than give in to her demands, but that is only a temporary solution and reprieve which makes things worse in the long run. When she acts out, which has pretty much been a constant the last 9 months, everything in me wants to rebel, protect and explain myself. That is not an effective way to handle things with her. So then I end up fretting and obsessing over her which throws me into a depression. Having to fight against the emotional storms inside sucks big time. I know I have to find a way to change my own internal reactions just as I have done in how I actually respond to her. Just haven't found the right key to be able to do it quickly yet. Maybe it just takes more practice to quell that internal, self-critical voice that starts raging when she rages at me. I do myself far more harm than she could ever do by allowing that voice to rule my emotions. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for the welcome Echobabe and , > > > > > > > > > > > > > > , what you said " all the while not being able to be > > authentic with > > > > > nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the > > past > > > > > that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut > > out, > > > > > punished. " is so very true. It hurts to not be able to be authentic > > with my > > > > > mom. It means we always have to be on guard, watching what we say. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I am so glad that your father was able to shield you somewhat. > > Did you > > > > > ever feel " safe " because of that? I am assuming not, because it > > sounds like > > > > > you have just come to that realization. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > My older brother tried to shield me, but I didn't realize it > > until I > > > > > was an adult. He actually could be quite abusive to me as well and > > beat me > > > > > on several occasions. He learned the physical abuse from my dad I'm > > sure and > > > > > had so much anger because of the things going on in our home. Even > > so, he > > > > > did protect me in ways. Funny, because until recently he thought he > > had > > > > > shielded me so much that I was pretty much unaware of most of all the > > abuse > > > > > from mom and dad that went on. He never even considered that I was a > > victim > > > > > of it too. He's finally come to the realization that I too was abused > > and > > > > > how much it had escalated after he moved out. My dad actually held a > > boulder > > > > > over my head intending to bash my head in with it when I was 18. I > > remember > > > > > the terror in his eyes when he realized what he was doing. Thank God > > he > > > > > dropped the boulder. The positive was that he stopped drinking after > > that. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Sorry, went off on a bunny trail there. I am hurting really bad > > right > > > > > now. I've known intellectually for years that I'm not the cause of my > > mom's > > > > > illness, nor am I responsible for trying to change her. Even so, I > > think > > > > > there is a core part of me that still believes that if I just do or > > say the > > > > > right thing, she'll get it. Maybe now realizing that, at > > > > > > > 76 years old, my Nada is never going to get well is causing me to > > > > > grieve both what is and what could have been. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I am sure that there is a lot of anger in me, but I am terrified > > of > > > > > anger, both in others and myself. My therapist wants me to roll play, > > by us > > > > > pretending to put my mother in a chair with me standing in front of > > it and > > > > > telling her what I really think. I just can't seem to bring myself to > > do it. > > > > > Instead I turn the anger inward and become depressed. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So, how do you feel good? Even with boundaries I feel guilty. I > > didn't > > > > > talk with her at all for 10 years. That felt horrible too so I > > started > > > > > speaking with her 5 years ago, once all 3 of our sons had moved out. > > My > > > > > brother and all 3 step siblings won't allow my mother in their homes > > nor > > > > > will my husband of 33 year which of course causes problems. If it > > wasn't > > > > > that though, it would be something else, because nothing is ever > > enough. > > > > > She's an empty pit that can't be filled. Then she can be this > > wonderful, > > > > > fantastic, intelligent and fun to be with person. Even knowing it's > > BPD, the > > > > > flip flops are so confusing. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I know this, I know it's her problem. I've been a good daughter. > > I > > > > > still keep the boundaries in place and can handle her crap fairly > > well for > > > > > awhile. Sometimes though the roller coaster goes on for so long that > > it > > > > > triggers me and because I can't tell her what I really feel or think > > I end > > > > > up worn down and in a hellish pit of depression. It just all seems so > > > > > hopeless. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Have you or anybody here been able to find a way to feel good > > about > > > > > themselves for any length of time? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 Its very draining to be around someone who is acting-out frequently like that, as you describe. Maybe when nada acts out and attempts to manipulate you with either guilt or negativity/criticism or pouting (or whatever she does), that's the time to try giving her a " time out. " If getting you angry enough to " fight " with her, pouting and sulking, and other negative acting-out behaviors *engage you*, then, they're working for her; they're gaining her time with you, and your attention is on nada. So, maybe try " time out " , or removing yourself from her presence when she acts out negatively, and then reward her with more of your time and attention when she behaves in a more rational, adult, positive way. This worked with a kitten I had many years back. The kitten figured out that playing on my bed with her toys at about 2AM would wake me up. That's what she wanted: my attention. Waking me up got her my attention. So I figured out that if my kitten woke me up in the wee hours, I would have to immediately scoop her up and deposit her outside my bedroom door and shut the door. Of course, the kitten was not happy about that and cried for what seemed like hours. This went on for several nights. I was exhausted. My neighbors hated me. But after about 5 nights, the kitten finally realized that waking mommy up got her instantly separated from mommy entirely and she stopped waking me up at night. It works with kittens; but my nada (back when I was in contact with her) would end up engaging in nasty revenge behaviors or histrionics when Sister or I would try to give her boundaries. " No Contact " is the only boundary that works for me. Maybe your nada is more like my kitten and can learn boundaries. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for the welcome Echobabe and , > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > , what you said " all the while not being able to be > > > authentic with > > > > > > nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the > > > past > > > > > > that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut > > > out, > > > > > > punished. " is so very true. It hurts to not be able to be authentic > > > with my > > > > > > mom. It means we always have to be on guard, watching what we say. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I am so glad that your father was able to shield you somewhat. > > > Did you > > > > > > ever feel " safe " because of that? I am assuming not, because it > > > sounds like > > > > > > you have just come to that realization. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > My older brother tried to shield me, but I didn't realize it > > > until I > > > > > > was an adult. He actually could be quite abusive to me as well and > > > beat me > > > > > > on several occasions. He learned the physical abuse from my dad I'm > > > sure and > > > > > > had so much anger because of the things going on in our home. Even > > > so, he > > > > > > did protect me in ways. Funny, because until recently he thought he > > > had > > > > > > shielded me so much that I was pretty much unaware of most of all the > > > abuse > > > > > > from mom and dad that went on. He never even considered that I was a > > > victim > > > > > > of it too. He's finally come to the realization that I too was abused > > > and > > > > > > how much it had escalated after he moved out. My dad actually held a > > > boulder > > > > > > over my head intending to bash my head in with it when I was 18. I > > > remember > > > > > > the terror in his eyes when he realized what he was doing. Thank God > > > he > > > > > > dropped the boulder. The positive was that he stopped drinking after > > > that. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Sorry, went off on a bunny trail there. I am hurting really bad > > > right > > > > > > now. I've known intellectually for years that I'm not the cause of my > > > mom's > > > > > > illness, nor am I responsible for trying to change her. Even so, I > > > think > > > > > > there is a core part of me that still believes that if I just do or > > > say the > > > > > > right thing, she'll get it. Maybe now realizing that, at > > > > > > > > 76 years old, my Nada is never going to get well is causing me to > > > > > > grieve both what is and what could have been. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I am sure that there is a lot of anger in me, but I am terrified > > > of > > > > > > anger, both in others and myself. My therapist wants me to roll play, > > > by us > > > > > > pretending to put my mother in a chair with me standing in front of > > > it and > > > > > > telling her what I really think. I just can't seem to bring myself to > > > do it. > > > > > > Instead I turn the anger inward and become depressed. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So, how do you feel good? Even with boundaries I feel guilty. I > > > didn't > > > > > > talk with her at all for 10 years. That felt horrible too so I > > > started > > > > > > speaking with her 5 years ago, once all 3 of our sons had moved out. > > > My > > > > > > brother and all 3 step siblings won't allow my mother in their homes > > > nor > > > > > > will my husband of 33 year which of course causes problems. If it > > > wasn't > > > > > > that though, it would be something else, because nothing is ever > > > enough. > > > > > > She's an empty pit that can't be filled. Then she can be this > > > wonderful, > > > > > > fantastic, intelligent and fun to be with person. Even knowing it's > > > BPD, the > > > > > > flip flops are so confusing. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I know this, I know it's her problem. I've been a good daughter. > > > I > > > > > > still keep the boundaries in place and can handle her crap fairly > > > well for > > > > > > awhile. Sometimes though the roller coaster goes on for so long that > > > it > > > > > > triggers me and because I can't tell her what I really feel or think > > > I end > > > > > > up worn down and in a hellish pit of depression. It just all seems so > > > > > > hopeless. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Have you or anybody here been able to find a way to feel good > > > about > > > > > > themselves for any length of time? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 HI Annie, Love the kitten story ;o) I love training animals (Presently I am training our 5 month old lab to be a therapy dog) so the analogy really works for me. I can appreciate the NC you've decided on. I didn't have contact with my Nada for 10 years while our boys were growing up. At the time we lived in the same area. I set boundaries with the boys that she refused to respect so for their emotional safety and my survival I had to completely cut contact. Fortunately now we live in different states which makes boundaries easier. I don't get dragged into engaging with her behavior (e.g she leaves nasty messages - I don't return them, I won't argue with her etc.) When she leaves a positive message I call her back. If things are going well and I haven't heard from her I regularly call her on Fridays. My therapist suggested that I end the Friday conversations with " Nice talking with you. I'll talk with you next week " to get it through to her that I am not going to talk with her every day. That is a boundary that is flexible depending on circumstances as there are, at times, legitimate reasons to speak more frequently. Maybe the " not engaging " when she is negative is working as she is not calling and leaving nasty messages as often now. She and my step dad have sold their home and are moving. She wanted me to fly down and help, but I can't as one of my horses is sick and I am in the process of slowly weaning him off steriods. She understands, but is now apparently not getting out of bed at all, let alone packing. My step dad called today asking me to come down saying that I am the only one who can get her moving. I again said that it is impossible for me to do at this time. Thank GOD I have a real reason...makes it much easier on me to not feel guilty! At least logically speaking. Still...that young inner child in me feels bad, like I am not being a good daughter. Reality is, she would have me flying down there for some " emergency " every time I turn around if I'd allow it. Like you said...it's very draining to be around someone who is constantly acting out. Even if just phone messages. It's hard to be diligent in fighting her lies about me or my family when I get worn down. What I need to do is learn to not take it personally when she starts attacking, because when I do it starts a nasty spiral downward into depression. The old tapes start playing in my head....I need to remember that feelings are not fact and stop obsessing about her. She's sick and while she has made choices in her life, I am not entirely sure that she can make the choice to be a mentally healthy person. Being an alcoholic doesn't help and at 76 she is not likely to get better. I guess I just need to accept that. It's all just so sad. She can be such a wonderful person, but the little girl and viper seem to have taken over.....I haven't seen the mom I like for a very long time now. Thanks for your input Annie. It's helps to know that there are people out there that understand, though I wish no-one had to live with this disorder (or the traits of it!) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Thanks for the welcome Echobabe and , > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > , what you said " all the while not being able to be > > > > authentic with > > > > > > > nada or sisters because when I have tried to talk about things in the > > > > past > > > > > > > that bother me or I have noticed I get denial, screamed at or shut > > > > out, > > > > > > > punished. " is so very true. It hurts to not be able to be authentic > > > > with my > > > > > > > mom. It means we always have to be on guard, watching what we say. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I am so glad that your father was able to shield you somewhat. > > > > Did you > > > > > > > ever feel " safe " because of that? I am assuming not, because it > > > > sounds like > > > > > > > you have just come to that realization. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > My older brother tried to shield me, but I didn't realize it > > > > until I > > > > > > > was an adult. He actually could be quite abusive to me as well and > > > > beat me > > > > > > > on several occasions. He learned the physical abuse from my dad I'm > > > > sure and > > > > > > > had so much anger because of the things going on in our home. Even > > > > so, he > > > > > > > did protect me in ways. Funny, because until recently he thought he > > > > had > > > > > > > shielded me so much that I was pretty much unaware of most of all the > > > > abuse > > > > > > > from mom and dad that went on. He never even considered that I was a > > > > victim > > > > > > > of it too. He's finally come to the realization that I too was abused > > > > and > > > > > > > how much it had escalated after he moved out. My dad actually held a > > > > boulder > > > > > > > over my head intending to bash my head in with it when I was 18. I > > > > remember > > > > > > > the terror in his eyes when he realized what he was doing. Thank God > > > > he > > > > > > > dropped the boulder. The positive was that he stopped drinking after > > > > that. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Sorry, went off on a bunny trail there. I am hurting really bad > > > > right > > > > > > > now. I've known intellectually for years that I'm not the cause of my > > > > mom's > > > > > > > illness, nor am I responsible for trying to change her. Even so, I > > > > think > > > > > > > there is a core part of me that still believes that if I just do or > > > > say the > > > > > > > right thing, she'll get it. Maybe now realizing that, at > > > > > > > > > 76 years old, my Nada is never going to get well is causing me to > > > > > > > grieve both what is and what could have been. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I am sure that there is a lot of anger in me, but I am terrified > > > > of > > > > > > > anger, both in others and myself. My therapist wants me to roll play, > > > > by us > > > > > > > pretending to put my mother in a chair with me standing in front of > > > > it and > > > > > > > telling her what I really think. I just can't seem to bring myself to > > > > do it. > > > > > > > Instead I turn the anger inward and become depressed. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > So, how do you feel good? Even with boundaries I feel guilty. I > > > > didn't > > > > > > > talk with her at all for 10 years. That felt horrible too so I > > > > started > > > > > > > speaking with her 5 years ago, once all 3 of our sons had moved out. > > > > My > > > > > > > brother and all 3 step siblings won't allow my mother in their homes > > > > nor > > > > > > > will my husband of 33 year which of course causes problems. If it > > > > wasn't > > > > > > > that though, it would be something else, because nothing is ever > > > > enough. > > > > > > > She's an empty pit that can't be filled. Then she can be this > > > > wonderful, > > > > > > > fantastic, intelligent and fun to be with person. Even knowing it's > > > > BPD, the > > > > > > > flip flops are so confusing. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I know this, I know it's her problem. I've been a good daughter. > > > > I > > > > > > > still keep the boundaries in place and can handle her crap fairly > > > > well for > > > > > > > awhile. Sometimes though the roller coaster goes on for so long that > > > > it > > > > > > > triggers me and because I can't tell her what I really feel or think > > > > I end > > > > > > > up worn down and in a hellish pit of depression. It just all seems so > > > > > > > hopeless. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Have you or anybody here been able to find a way to feel good > > > > about > > > > > > > themselves for any length of time? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 wounded_healer, this insight is profound. The way to gain control of our own behavior is to gain control of what goes on in our head. We are all actors playing a part in this life. We know the part of the dysfunctional cycle well, but we hate it. None-the-less, it is the only one we know until we learn another one. It is not as easy as memorizing lines on a script; it has to be learned in the heart before it becomes a part of you. Matters of the heart do take time. I have experienced changes in my heart and they are worth the work to achieve them. It was worth the years in therapy, the struggle to find the right medications for me, and the constant reaching out for help when I needed it. I behave differently to dysfunction now. I am in control of myself and it feels so good. It feels so good to be a real person; to be me and not hate myself so much. Life is not perfect, just better. I want you to have that change that you desire. It is there for you to have; you just have to work for it. > ....When she starts manipulating though.....I start to rebel. At least inside if not in my actions. I don't want to do anything positive for her at that point. I realize that implementing positive actions would be in both our best interest, but about the best I can muster at this point is to be polite and firm. > > The other hard thing for me is to let go of expectations that I can do or say something that will make a difference with her... > When she acts out, which has pretty much been a constant the last 9 months, everything in me wants to rebel, protect and explain myself. That is not an effective way to handle things with her. So then I end up fretting and obsessing over her which throws me into a depression. > > Having to fight against the emotional storms inside sucks big time... Just haven't found the right key to be able to do it quickly yet. Maybe it just takes more practice to quell that internal, self-critical voice that starts raging when she rages at me. I do myself far more harm than she could ever do by allowing that voice to rule my emotions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 What wonderful encouragement ! It's good to know that others have been able to find themselves and learn how to control, or better yet annihilate, the lies of the inner child. I know I have come a LONG way after 2 years of therapy. I get frustrated at times because it IS taking so darn long. I have 2 therapist and see both weekly. One is a general therapist, the other specializes in PTSD. Both remind me that I can't undo 52 years of abuse and incorrect coping strategies in such a " short " amount of time. I have a feeling many children of BPD parents have PTSD, it sure would make sense. PTSD sucks big time. It all comes down to accepting what happened and our feelings, not beating ourselves up for coping the only way we knew how, finding the truth and replacing the lies with the truth. I know that is a simplistic explanation.....but that's it in a nutshell. You are right on about the heart changes. Knowing the above intellectually doesn't translate into heart knowledge automatically. New neuropathways (at least in PTSD) need to be created and that takes time. I am doing EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) with one of my therapists. Normally a short duration therapy for PTSD, but with childhood abuse it goes much more slowly. It involves moving memories (conscious, subconscious and somatic) frozen in the right side of the brain (feelings, illogical)to the cognitive/logical left side. It's absolutely amazing. I'm sure that having a relationship with my Nada has slowed down the healing and self discovery process in therapy for me. The positive in that though is that her actions bring up stuff from the past that was buried so deep that it would have taken much longer to discover, if ever. It also helps to have a therapist to bounce my feelings and thoughts off of when issues arise with her. Thanks again for the encouragement. The heart knowledge is what I am striving for. It's nice to know that goal can be reached! > > > ...When she starts manipulating though.....I start to rebel. At least inside if not in my actions. I don't want to do anything positive for her at that point. I realize that implementing positive actions would be in both our best interest, but about the best I can muster at this point is to be polite and firm. > > > > The other hard thing for me is to let go of expectations that I can do or say something that will make a difference with her... > > > When she acts out, which has pretty much been a constant the last 9 months, everything in me wants to rebel, protect and explain myself. That is not an effective way to handle things with her. So then I end up fretting and obsessing over her which throws me into a depression. > > > > Having to fight against the emotional storms inside sucks big time... Just haven't found the right key to be able to do it quickly yet. Maybe it just takes more practice to quell that internal, self-critical voice that starts raging when she rages at me. I do myself far more harm than she could ever do by allowing that voice to rule my emotions. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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