Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Hi, I have been n/c with nada about 5 years. Also now n/c with bruddah due to some not-so-cool behavior on facebook. My husband has just been diagnosed with a very malignant brain cancer and had a 5 1/2 hour operation yesterday. this cancer has maybe a year life expectancy. He is still in ICU and sedated, on a ventilator. I am having a dilemma whether to tell the family I am n/c with. I really don't want them involved at all. I don't want to deal with them...got enough to deal with right now, thanks. But, I mean, if it was a brother in law or son in law of yours, how would you feel finding out they died of this horrible brain cancer, oh, 5 years ago and nobody told you? So I don't know. What do I do? Thanks. --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 , First of all ((hugs)) and prayers for both you and your husband! In my own opinion, I think you should take care of yourself first and foremost. If talking to the family members you're NC with will only add to the stress, then don't break NC. They've shown themselves to be ill-behaved when it comes to communicating with you. If, down the road, they get mad at you because you didn't tell them about your husband's cancer, you can just explain exactly that--they have not treated you well in their communications, and so you simply didn't need the extra stress. (((hugs))) Holly > ** > > > Hi, > > I have been n/c with nada about 5 years. Also now n/c with bruddah due to > some not-so-cool behavior on facebook. > > My husband has just been diagnosed with a very malignant brain cancer and > had a 5 1/2 hour operation yesterday. this cancer has maybe a year life > expectancy. He is still in ICU and sedated, on a ventilator. > > I am having a dilemma whether to tell the family I am n/c with. I really > don't want them involved at all. I don't want to deal with them...got enough > to deal with right now, thanks. But, I mean, if it was a brother in law or > son in law of yours, how would you feel finding out they died of this > horrible brain cancer, oh, 5 years ago and nobody told you? > > So I don't know. What do I do? > > Thanks. > > --. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 , There's good reason you don't have contact with them, right? Does your husband's diagnosis somehow change that? Will having them know about it change anything for the better? I think they gave up the privilage of being told anything about your lives when they mistreated you to the point where you decided to stop having contact with them. They could have chosen to treat you properly but they didn't. I wouldn't tell them just because they might get upset about finding out about it later. If they get upset later, so what? Let that be their problem, not yours. Nadas generally take things of this sort and try to make it all about themselves. I can't imagine that more nada-drama in your life is what you and your husband need right now. I'm sorry about your husband. I hope he can beat the odds and live longer than expected and that the two of you can enjoy what time he has left as best you can. At 08:05 PM 08/23/2011 Roganda wrote: >Hi, > >I have been n/c with nada about 5 years. Also now n/c with >bruddah due to some not-so-cool behavior on facebook. > >My husband has just been diagnosed with a very malignant brain >cancer and had a 5 1/2 hour operation yesterday. this cancer >has maybe a year life expectancy. He is still in ICU and >sedated, on a ventilator. > >I am having a dilemma whether to tell the family I am n/c >with. I really don't want them involved at all. I don't want >to deal with them...got enough to deal with right now, >thanks. But, I mean, if it was a brother in law or son in law >of yours, how would you feel finding out they died of this >horrible brain cancer, oh, 5 years ago and nobody told you? > >So I don't know. What do I do? > >Thanks. > >--. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 ((((())))) I'm so sorry, ; what hard news to hear. I can't imagine how difficult such news must be to absorb and deal with; I'm so sorry you and your husband are having to experience this. It truly is not fair. At this point in time, everything should be about your comfort level and your husband's. I believe I am safe in speculating that no matter how you decide to handle this, your nada will probably react in a spectacularly graceless, breathtakingly thoughtless way that will not feel supportive or comforting to either of you. Nada is likely to make the situation all about herself, and is likely to blame you or both you and your husband for causing her distress, either way: whether you break No Contact or not, whether you tell her or not... whatever you decide to do, nada will very likely react badly, in an insensitive way, and make you feel worse. Basically, its a no-win situation RE telling nada or not telling her. She will probably act like a clod either way. So, its about deciding whether you can endure her cloddiness now, or if you would rather wait until later. I know I would be wishing for the comfort of family closeness at such a time, but with my nada, well, she made any bad news I shared with her feel worse for me. But, that's me; your situation is not mine. I suppose miracles can happen and your nada might react in a more normal, empathetic, compassionate and caring way. You know her and have years/decades of past behaviors to go by, so you know what the chances are of that. So, I hope you choose whatever option you feel the most comfortable with. You can't control how your nada will feel, or react or behave, so, make this about what feels right to you, and to your husband. Its about you, now; not nada. Wishing you all the courage and endurance you need, -Annie > > Hi, > > I have been n/c with nada about 5 years. Also now n/c with bruddah due to some not-so-cool behavior on facebook. > > My husband has just been diagnosed with a very malignant brain cancer and had a 5 1/2 hour operation yesterday. this cancer has maybe a year life expectancy. He is still in ICU and sedated, on a ventilator. > > I am having a dilemma whether to tell the family I am n/c with. I really don't want them involved at all. I don't want to deal with them...got enough to deal with right now, thanks. But, I mean, if it was a brother in law or son in law of yours, how would you feel finding out they died of this horrible brain cancer, oh, 5 years ago and nobody told you? > > So I don't know. What do I do? > > Thanks. > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 I am so very sorry about your husband's diagnosis. This is so difficult you and your family. You seem very sure you do not want your NC family involved with this right now and I am guessing there are very good reasons for this. I think you need to let yourself focus on you, your husband and your family for now. You have you and yours to take care of right now and can revisit this question after you know more from the doctors, etc. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, > > Hi, > > I have been n/c with nada about 5 years. Also now n/c with bruddah due to some not-so-cool behavior on facebook. > > My husband has just been diagnosed with a very malignant brain cancer and had a 5 1/2 hour operation yesterday. this cancer has maybe a year life expectancy. He is still in ICU and sedated, on a ventilator. > > I am having a dilemma whether to tell the family I am n/c with. I really don't want them involved at all. I don't want to deal with them...got enough to deal with right now, thanks. But, I mean, if it was a brother in law or son in law of yours, how would you feel finding out they died of this horrible brain cancer, oh, 5 years ago and nobody told you? > > So I don't know. What do I do? > > Thanks. > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 , I'm very, very sorry about your husband. Right now, in my opinion, the only thing that matters is him and you and any kids you have. That's it. As you said, his time with you is what you need to focus all your energy on. Maybe you could have a neutral third party tell your mother and brother and make it clear that if they want to send you any messages, to do so through that third party. Maybe a friend could set up a Caring Bridge page and send that to your family? I have a friend who has done this to avoid being bombarded with calls, etc. Again, I'm so sorry. Fiona > > Hi, > > I have been n/c with nada about 5 years. Also now n/c with bruddah due to some not-so-cool behavior on facebook. > > My husband has just been diagnosed with a very malignant brain cancer and had a 5 1/2 hour operation yesterday. this cancer has maybe a year life expectancy. He is still in ICU and sedated, on a ventilator. > > I am having a dilemma whether to tell the family I am n/c with. I really don't want them involved at all. I don't want to deal with them...got enough to deal with right now, thanks. But, I mean, if it was a brother in law or son in law of yours, how would you feel finding out they died of this horrible brain cancer, oh, 5 years ago and nobody told you? > > So I don't know. What do I do? > > Thanks. > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 , I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I agree that maintaining no contact would be best to preserve your time with your husband. You don't owe anyone anything. If you are the only point of contact that is available to your family to find out what is going on, I would be surprised. Your feelings of obligation are probably just coming from all the brainwashing we've received as children of BPD's, so consider that before feeling guilty for not contacting them. Spend this precious time loving your husband, not beating yourself up about not contacting your family. You deserve to make this a happy time in the midst of it all. Hugs, AnnieL > > My husband has just been diagnosed with a very malignant brain cancer and had a 5 1/2 hour operation yesterday. this cancer has maybe a year life expectancy. He is still in ICU and sedated, on a ventilator. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 I'm SOSOSO sorry, sending all the healing I have to offer your way As for nada, if she finds out, I suspect she will make it about HER. If it were my, my husband and my nada, I wouldn't say a word. Not a word. And if you are committed to NC for good, it will send a loud and clear message if she hears about it later. A message that goes something like this " F*ck off, nada! " One million best wishes for healing, recovery and peace. Love, girlscout On Wed, Aug 24, 2011 at 5:52 AM, annie2011lewis wrote: > ** > > > , > > I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. I agree that maintaining no > contact would be best to preserve your time with your husband. You don't owe > anyone anything. If you are the only point of contact that is available to > your family to find out what is going on, I would be surprised. Your > feelings of obligation are probably just coming from all the brainwashing > we've received as children of BPD's, so consider that before feeling guilty > for not contacting them. > > Spend this precious time loving your husband, not beating yourself up about > not contacting your family. You deserve to make this a happy time in the > midst of it all. > > Hugs, > > AnnieL > > > > > My husband has just been diagnosed with a very malignant brain cancer > and had a 5 1/2 hour operation yesterday. this cancer has maybe a year life > expectancy. He is still in ICU and sedated, on a ventilator. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2011 Report Share Posted August 26, 2011 , First, I am so very sorry to read this terrible news. It's just awful. I'm sending good energy your way and prayers for the best outcome. As for your family, I agree with what others have said -- this time is for you to spend with your husband, not dealing with the madness of your family. I don't really think you can compare what you would think about finding out after the fact to how they'll react, because they aren't sane, and honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. Em > Hi, > > I have been n/c with nada about 5 years. Also now n/c with bruddah due to some not-so-cool behavior on facebook. > > My husband has just been diagnosed with a very malignant brain cancer and had a 5 1/2 hour operation yesterday. this cancer has maybe a year life expectancy. He is still in ICU and sedated, on a ventilator. > > I am having a dilemma whether to tell the family I am n/c with. I really don't want them involved at all. I don't want to deal with them...got enough to deal with right now, thanks. But, I mean, if it was a brother in law or son in law of yours, how would you feel finding out they died of this horrible brain cancer, oh, 5 years ago and nobody told you? > > So I don't know. What do I do? > > Thanks. > > --. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 26, 2011 Report Share Posted August 26, 2011 Hi , I just wanted to say I'm sorry this is happening with your husband too. You've been through so much and it's proof that life is deeply unfair. But please don't add to the unfairness to you by letting people back into your world who have hurt you at a time when you'll be weakened by dealing with this difficult time. In-laws who you have cut off don't have any right to know about your husband. Now people in his own family or those he's been close to, yes on a case-by-case basis. Also you said he has a year, so you have some time to sit with this and take care of yourself for a while before deciding how to deal with everyone else. It feels inadequate, but I send HUGS to you anyway. Eliza > >Hi, > > > >I have been n/c with nada about 5 years. Also now n/c with > >bruddah due to some not-so-cool behavior on facebook. > > > >My husband has just been diagnosed with a very malignant brain > >cancer and had a 5 1/2 hour operation yesterday. this cancer > >has maybe a year life expectancy. He is still in ICU and > >sedated, on a ventilator. > > > >I am having a dilemma whether to tell the family I am n/c > >with. I really don't want them involved at all. I don't want > >to deal with them...got enough to deal with right now, > >thanks. But, I mean, if it was a brother in law or son in law > >of yours, how would you feel finding out they died of this > >horrible brain cancer, oh, 5 years ago and nobody told you? > > > >So I don't know. What do I do? > > > >Thanks. > > > >--. > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2011 Report Share Posted September 1, 2011 Hi, Sorry it's taken so long to reply. It's just been a crazy, crazy, crazy two weeks full of overnighters at the hospital, searching the internet, and NO sleep. Thanks you guys for the support. I kinda thought this, but then...I get this email from an unknown source saying " Karrie " is having surgery soon. Bruddah's wife is named Karrie. So I am thinking that perhaps he found some other way to email me. Now what? Hubby had a 5 1/2 hour surgery and spent almost two weeks in the hospital. He was released Monday, but we had power out due to the hurricane, so he had to stay with his sons for a couple of days where they had power. Now he is back home and seems to be doing well. Still some trouble reading and remembering words, but I think it's a little better now than before he had surgery. --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2011 Report Share Posted September 1, 2011 ((((())))) All this happening with your husband's health, then an earthquake and then the hurricane. Holy cow! I hope you will take some time for yourself to decompress from the stress of all of that. There is something called " care-giver burnout " that anyone in a care-giving position can become vulnerable to, so, be sure to arrange it so that you can have regular breaks and time just for yourself. You deserve that, and it helps you keep up your stamina. Best wishes, Annie > > Hi, > > Sorry it's taken so long to reply. It's just been a crazy, crazy, crazy two weeks full of overnighters at the hospital, searching the internet, and NO sleep. > > Thanks you guys for the support. I kinda thought this, but then...I get this email from an unknown source saying " Karrie " is having surgery soon. Bruddah's wife is named Karrie. So I am thinking that perhaps he found some other way to email me. > > Now what? > > Hubby had a 5 1/2 hour surgery and spent almost two weeks in the hospital. He was released Monday, but we had power out due to the hurricane, so he had to stay with his sons for a couple of days where they had power. Now he is back home and seems to be doing well. Still some trouble reading and remembering words, but I think it's a little better now than before he had surgery. > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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