Rediscovering our authentic selves, long ramble

[Guest guest]

Each morning I get up and I think about this recovery I'm experiencing and it

helps me to post the things I've learned. Lately, I've had countless thoughts

about rediscovering my authentic self. As I go down this road of discovery, I'm

learning that I hid the real me from my parents because of a fear that my nada

would not approve of me. I put on weight as an organic suit of armor. And I

would act in ways that I thought would garner the approval of my parents.

I had a girlfriend in middle school who would always say that she felt bad for

me because I had to grow up so fast. I was one of the most responsible people

she knew and she felt that my childhood had been ripped away from me. I read

something this morning that reminded me of this.

" Children of borderline parents are often forced to act as the parent

themselves— " it's like a child raising a child, " Kreger says—and this role can

play itself out in other relationships. They grow up very quickly in many ways

and act as caretaker for everyone, sometimes at the expense of taking care of

themselves. " Having that undue sense of responsibility can leave them feeling

very alone in the world, " Lawson says. And they allow others to tread their

boundaries just as the parent did. So once you learn to set limits for your

parent, set them for other people and learn to put yourself first. "

(http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200707/borderline-walking-the-line)

In massage school over this last year, we were always told to take care of

ourselves so that we would have the energy to take care of others. It was such

a foreign concept to me. I had always been made to feel guilty if I relaxed or

did something " luxurious " for myself. It was even worse if my husband did

something that my nada considered a luxury because she has such a hatred for men

that, in her mind, buying a luxury item or going on a luxury vacation was an

infraction of mega proportions.

Once I started realizing that it was ok to take care of myself, nay it was

necessary to take care of myself, I started doing it more. This has led to my

feeling safe enough to begin tackling that 250 lb gorilla (or in my case, 100

lbs of excess weight) that's been in the room and that I've ignored for most of

my life. I wonder if my nada knew that massage school would provide the

environment for me that would allow me to begin rediscovering my authentic self

if she would have paid my tuition?

And speaking of accepting gifts, it's so refreshing to finally get validation

that gifts from my nada really do have strings attached. I've fought so many

times with my nada on this issue, so when I saw it in writing on the psychology

today link I listed above, it was such a relief. " Don't let the Queen get the

upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders expectations. "

All I could think was, " No $shit! "

So now I feel extra good about refinancing our house to get the mortgage out

from under my parents (who convinced me to let them hold our mortgage) and

cutting up the credit card and sending it back. I want to be very clear that I

do not want their money and I don't need their money. I'm sure it will piss off

my nada to no end, but I don't care anymore. If she wants to give monetary

gifts, she can put it in a trust fund for my children to have when they graduate

from college.

The old way obviously doesn't work. I want none of her money. I've received

too many so-called gifts where I had to pay the price by selling my soul. I

want to be the authentic me that the universe intended and that my husband fell

in love with. I want to be thin, feel good about my body, be healthy

emotionally and physically, and have a group of friends that also love the real

me. I want to choose how I spend my time and not feel guilty about it. I want

to stop hiding behind a facade. And hopefully someday I can to the point where

I no longer need to take antidepressants.

Have a beautiful day!

Annie

[Guest guest]

Annie,

You have done a wonderful job of painting a picture of your journey. I can very

much relate to so much of what you have written here.

Funny - I have battled my weight since middle school- got it under control and

felt pretty good about it throughout high school and college but then after

marriage and two babies it was harder. When I went to a therapist and weight

came up in relation to my journey it was suggested I carried it for protection,

much like your comparison to an armour. I was shocked by this idea - but have

come to think there is some merit to it. I am now in the process of also taking

care of me in a much more mindful way and part of that equation is eating

healthier and for the right reasons, and exercising daily (walking my dog and

biking when I can).

Best to all of us on this journey!

K

>

> Each morning I get up and I think about this recovery I'm experiencing and it

helps me to post the things I've learned. Lately, I've had countless thoughts

about rediscovering my authentic self. As I go down this road of discovery, I'm

learning that I hid the real me from my parents because of a fear that my nada

would not approve of me. I put on weight as an organic suit of armor. And I

would act in ways that I thought would garner the approval of my parents.

>

> I had a girlfriend in middle school who would always say that she felt bad for

me because I had to grow up so fast. I was one of the most responsible people

she knew and she felt that my childhood had been ripped away from me. I read

something this morning that reminded me of this.

>

> " Children of borderline parents are often forced to act as the parent

themselves— " it's like a child raising a child, " Kreger says—and this role can

play itself out in other relationships. They grow up very quickly in many ways

and act as caretaker for everyone, sometimes at the expense of taking care of

themselves. " Having that undue sense of responsibility can leave them feeling

very alone in the world, " Lawson says. And they allow others to tread their

boundaries just as the parent did. So once you learn to set limits for your

parent, set them for other people and learn to put yourself first. "

(http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200707/borderline-walking-the-line)

>

> In massage school over this last year, we were always told to take care of

ourselves so that we would have the energy to take care of others. It was such

a foreign concept to me. I had always been made to feel guilty if I relaxed or

did something " luxurious " for myself. It was even worse if my husband did

something that my nada considered a luxury because she has such a hatred for men

that, in her mind, buying a luxury item or going on a luxury vacation was an

infraction of mega proportions.

>

> Once I started realizing that it was ok to take care of myself, nay it was

necessary to take care of myself, I started doing it more. This has led to my

feeling safe enough to begin tackling that 250 lb gorilla (or in my case, 100

lbs of excess weight) that's been in the room and that I've ignored for most of

my life. I wonder if my nada knew that massage school would provide the

environment for me that would allow me to begin rediscovering my authentic self

if she would have paid my tuition?

>

> And speaking of accepting gifts, it's so refreshing to finally get validation

that gifts from my nada really do have strings attached. I've fought so many

times with my nada on this issue, so when I saw it in writing on the psychology

today link I listed above, it was such a relief. " Don't let the Queen get the

upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders expectations. "

All I could think was, " No $shit! "

>

> So now I feel extra good about refinancing our house to get the mortgage out

from under my parents (who convinced me to let them hold our mortgage) and

cutting up the credit card and sending it back. I want to be very clear that I

do not want their money and I don't need their money. I'm sure it will piss off

my nada to no end, but I don't care anymore. If she wants to give monetary

gifts, she can put it in a trust fund for my children to have when they graduate

from college.

>

> The old way obviously doesn't work. I want none of her money. I've received

too many so-called gifts where I had to pay the price by selling my soul. I

want to be the authentic me that the universe intended and that my husband fell

in love with. I want to be thin, feel good about my body, be healthy

emotionally and physically, and have a group of friends that also love the real

me. I want to choose how I spend my time and not feel guilty about it. I want

to stop hiding behind a facade. And hopefully someday I can to the point where

I no longer need to take antidepressants.

>

> Have a beautiful day!

>

> Annie

>

[Guest guest]

F* & ^%CK! We're not going to be able to refinance the mortgage after all to get

out from under my parents. All the new regulations will require too much

documentation that would require cooperation from my nada. It's easier to just

continue making mortgage payments to her than to get that cooperation. Perhaps

some day we'll just be able to sell off the house and give her back all the

money we owe her.....and maybe monkeys will some day fly out of my butt. ACK!

> >

> > Each morning I get up and I think about this recovery I'm experiencing and

it helps me to post the things I've learned. Lately, I've had countless

thoughts about rediscovering my authentic self. As I go down this road of

discovery, I'm learning that I hid the real me from my parents because of a fear

that my nada would not approve of me. I put on weight as an organic suit of

armor. And I would act in ways that I thought would garner the approval of my

parents.

> >

> > I had a girlfriend in middle school who would always say that she felt bad

for me because I had to grow up so fast. I was one of the most responsible

people she knew and she felt that my childhood had been ripped away from me. I

read something this morning that reminded me of this.

> >

> > " Children of borderline parents are often forced to act as the parent

themselves— " it's like a child raising a child, " Kreger says—and this role can

play itself out in other relationships. They grow up very quickly in many ways

and act as caretaker for everyone, sometimes at the expense of taking care of

themselves. " Having that undue sense of responsibility can leave them feeling

very alone in the world, " Lawson says. And they allow others to tread their

boundaries just as the parent did. So once you learn to set limits for your

parent, set them for other people and learn to put yourself first. "

(http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200707/borderline-walking-the-line)

> >

> > In massage school over this last year, we were always told to take care of

ourselves so that we would have the energy to take care of others. It was such

a foreign concept to me. I had always been made to feel guilty if I relaxed or

did something " luxurious " for myself. It was even worse if my husband did

something that my nada considered a luxury because she has such a hatred for men

that, in her mind, buying a luxury item or going on a luxury vacation was an

infraction of mega proportions.

> >

> > Once I started realizing that it was ok to take care of myself, nay it was

necessary to take care of myself, I started doing it more. This has led to my

feeling safe enough to begin tackling that 250 lb gorilla (or in my case, 100

lbs of excess weight) that's been in the room and that I've ignored for most of

my life. I wonder if my nada knew that massage school would provide the

environment for me that would allow me to begin rediscovering my authentic self

if she would have paid my tuition?

> >

> > And speaking of accepting gifts, it's so refreshing to finally get

validation that gifts from my nada really do have strings attached. I've fought

so many times with my nada on this issue, so when I saw it in writing on the

psychology today link I listed above, it was such a relief. " Don't let the Queen

get the upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders

expectations. " All I could think was, " No $shit! "

> >

> > So now I feel extra good about refinancing our house to get the mortgage out

from under my parents (who convinced me to let them hold our mortgage) and

cutting up the credit card and sending it back. I want to be very clear that I

do not want their money and I don't need their money. I'm sure it will piss off

my nada to no end, but I don't care anymore. If she wants to give monetary

gifts, she can put it in a trust fund for my children to have when they graduate

from college.

> >

> > The old way obviously doesn't work. I want none of her money. I've

received too many so-called gifts where I had to pay the price by selling my

soul. I want to be the authentic me that the universe intended and that my

husband fell in love with. I want to be thin, feel good about my body, be

healthy emotionally and physically, and have a group of friends that also love

the real me. I want to choose how I spend my time and not feel guilty about it.

I want to stop hiding behind a facade. And hopefully someday I can to the point

where I no longer need to take antidepressants.

> >

> > Have a beautiful day!

> >

> > Annie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Damn. Sorry to hear that. Maybe consider the idea of paying off the principle

faster by adding $100 a month ($200 would be even better) to your loan payment

and specify clearly on your check and other documentation that that extra $200

is for *principle only*, and you might end up knocking at least a few years off

of your loan to her. That way every 5 to 10 months is an *extra* $1K less of

the principal you owe, plus whatever part of your regular loan payment is

principle. So maybe you'd shave 5 or more years off of the amount of time

you're obligated to nada. Its not as good as just paying her off at one fell

swoop, but, maybe its better to shorten your " sentence " as much as possible if

you can.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Each morning I get up and I think about this recovery I'm experiencing and

it helps me to post the things I've learned. Lately, I've had countless

thoughts about rediscovering my authentic self. As I go down this road of

discovery, I'm learning that I hid the real me from my parents because of a fear

that my nada would not approve of me. I put on weight as an organic suit of

armor. And I would act in ways that I thought would garner the approval of my

parents.

> > >

> > > I had a girlfriend in middle school who would always say that she felt bad

for me because I had to grow up so fast. I was one of the most responsible

people she knew and she felt that my childhood had been ripped away from me. I

read something this morning that reminded me of this.

> > >

> > > " Children of borderline parents are often forced to act as the parent

themselves— " it's like a child raising a child, " Kreger says—and this role can

play itself out in other relationships. They grow up very quickly in many ways

and act as caretaker for everyone, sometimes at the expense of taking care of

themselves. " Having that undue sense of responsibility can leave them feeling

very alone in the world, " Lawson says. And they allow others to tread their

boundaries just as the parent did. So once you learn to set limits for your

parent, set them for other people and learn to put yourself first. "

(http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200707/borderline-walking-the-line)

> > >

> > > In massage school over this last year, we were always told to take care of

ourselves so that we would have the energy to take care of others. It was such

a foreign concept to me. I had always been made to feel guilty if I relaxed or

did something " luxurious " for myself. It was even worse if my husband did

something that my nada considered a luxury because she has such a hatred for men

that, in her mind, buying a luxury item or going on a luxury vacation was an

infraction of mega proportions.

> > >

> > > Once I started realizing that it was ok to take care of myself, nay it was

necessary to take care of myself, I started doing it more. This has led to my

feeling safe enough to begin tackling that 250 lb gorilla (or in my case, 100

lbs of excess weight) that's been in the room and that I've ignored for most of

my life. I wonder if my nada knew that massage school would provide the

environment for me that would allow me to begin rediscovering my authentic self

if she would have paid my tuition?

> > >

> > > And speaking of accepting gifts, it's so refreshing to finally get

validation that gifts from my nada really do have strings attached. I've fought

so many times with my nada on this issue, so when I saw it in writing on the

psychology today link I listed above, it was such a relief. " Don't let the Queen

get the upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders

expectations. " All I could think was, " No $shit! "

> > >

> > > So now I feel extra good about refinancing our house to get the mortgage

out from under my parents (who convinced me to let them hold our mortgage) and

cutting up the credit card and sending it back. I want to be very clear that I

do not want their money and I don't need their money. I'm sure it will piss off

my nada to no end, but I don't care anymore. If she wants to give monetary

gifts, she can put it in a trust fund for my children to have when they graduate

from college.

> > >

> > > The old way obviously doesn't work. I want none of her money. I've

received too many so-called gifts where I had to pay the price by selling my

soul. I want to be the authentic me that the universe intended and that my

husband fell in love with. I want to be thin, feel good about my body, be

healthy emotionally and physically, and have a group of friends that also love

the real me. I want to choose how I spend my time and not feel guilty about it.

I want to stop hiding behind a facade. And hopefully someday I can to the point

where I no longer need to take antidepressants.

> > >

> > > Have a beautiful day!

> > >

> > > Annie

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate to being parentified.

I remembered recently that, at a very young age, I was my mother's interpreter

and confidante. And when she wasn't feeling like being bffs, she would criticize

me and make me feel like I just wasn't that special.

I know what you mean, Annie: take care of me first? what does that mean? Not to

sound martyr-y, but it really is a foreign concept.

My T asked me recently what my nada did for fun. I thought a very, very long

time. She did nothing. She went to work, came home, made dinner for her husband

and kids, did laundry, went food shopping and started over the next week. I

realized that sounded like what MY life had become. I had allowed it to, b/c I'd

been taught that EVERYone else comes first and then blame them when you don't

have a life.

I decided to stop blaming my husband for my boring life and do stuff my mother

always thought was incredibly selfish when she saw other women doing them (which

is prob why I hadn't done so!): going out with friends, signing up for classes,

getting to know new people, etc. Getting to know myself!! And liking me!

Yeah, I want to know my authentic self! Sign me up!!

>

> Each morning I get up and I think about this recovery I'm experiencing and it

helps me to post the things I've learned. Lately, I've had countless thoughts

about rediscovering my authentic self. As I go down this road of discovery, I'm

learning that I hid the real me from my parents because of a fear that my nada

would not approve of me. I put on weight as an organic suit of armor. And I

would act in ways that I thought would garner the approval of my parents.

>

> I had a girlfriend in middle school who would always say that she felt bad for

me because I had to grow up so fast. I was one of the most responsible people

she knew and she felt that my childhood had been ripped away from me. I read

something this morning that reminded me of this.

>

> " Children of borderline parents are often forced to act as the parent

themselves— " it's like a child raising a child, " Kreger says—and this role can

play itself out in other relationships. They grow up very quickly in many ways

and act as caretaker for everyone, sometimes at the expense of taking care of

themselves. " Having that undue sense of responsibility can leave them feeling

very alone in the world, " Lawson says. And they allow others to tread their

boundaries just as the parent did. So once you learn to set limits for your

parent, set them for other people and learn to put yourself first. "

(http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200707/borderline-walking-the-line)

>

> In massage school over this last year, we were always told to take care of

ourselves so that we would have the energy to take care of others. It was such

a foreign concept to me. I had always been made to feel guilty if I relaxed or

did something " luxurious " for myself. It was even worse if my husband did

something that my nada considered a luxury because she has such a hatred for men

that, in her mind, buying a luxury item or going on a luxury vacation was an

infraction of mega proportions.

>

> Once I started realizing that it was ok to take care of myself, nay it was

necessary to take care of myself, I started doing it more. This has led to my

feeling safe enough to begin tackling that 250 lb gorilla (or in my case, 100

lbs of excess weight) that's been in the room and that I've ignored for most of

my life. I wonder if my nada knew that massage school would provide the

environment for me that would allow me to begin rediscovering my authentic self

if she would have paid my tuition?

>

> And speaking of accepting gifts, it's so refreshing to finally get validation

that gifts from my nada really do have strings attached. I've fought so many

times with my nada on this issue, so when I saw it in writing on the psychology

today link I listed above, it was such a relief. " Don't let the Queen get the

upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders expectations. "

All I could think was, " No $shit! "

>

> So now I feel extra good about refinancing our house to get the mortgage out

from under my parents (who convinced me to let them hold our mortgage) and

cutting up the credit card and sending it back. I want to be very clear that I

do not want their money and I don't need their money. I'm sure it will piss off

my nada to no end, but I don't care anymore. If she wants to give monetary

gifts, she can put it in a trust fund for my children to have when they graduate

from college.

>

> The old way obviously doesn't work. I want none of her money. I've received

too many so-called gifts where I had to pay the price by selling my soul. I

want to be the authentic me that the universe intended and that my husband fell

in love with. I want to be thin, feel good about my body, be healthy

emotionally and physically, and have a group of friends that also love the real

me. I want to choose how I spend my time and not feel guilty about it. I want

to stop hiding behind a facade. And hopefully someday I can to the point where

I no longer need to take antidepressants.

>

> Have a beautiful day!

>

> Annie

>

[Guest guest]

OMG selfish to take a class or do something you love? That is so weird

because i will come home from a class feeling really guilty and my boyfriend

will BEAM with joy that I learned something new, and then has me show it to

him like 5 times.

I guess he is teaching me. One of my dad's friends when I was a kid would

always say " You have a responsibility to other people to do your best to be

an interesting person. "

Cool, I like her old saying.

> **

>

>

> I can relate to being parentified.

>

> I remembered recently that, at a very young age, I was my mother's

> interpreter and confidante. And when she wasn't feeling like being bffs, she

> would criticize me and make me feel like I just wasn't that special.

>

> I know what you mean, Annie: take care of me first? what does that mean?

> Not to sound martyr-y, but it really is a foreign concept.

>

> My T asked me recently what my nada did for fun. I thought a very, very

> lons sg time. She did nothing. She went to work, came home, made dinner for

> her husband and kids, did laundry, went food shopping and started over the

> next week. I realized that sounded like what MY life had become. I had

> allowed it to, b/c I'd been taught that EVERYone else comes first and then

> blame them when you don't have a life.

>

> I decided to stop blaming my husband for my boring life and do stuff my

> mother always thought was incredibly selfish when she saw other women doing

> them (which is prob why I hadn't done so!): going out with friends, signing

> up for classes, getting to know new people, etc. Getting to know myself!!

> And liking me!

>

> Yeah, I want to know my authentic self! Sign me up!!

>

>

> >

> > Each morning I get up and I think about this recovery I'm experiencing

> and it helps me to post the things I've learned. Lately, I've had countless

> thoughts about rediscovering my authentic self. As I go down this road of

> discovery, I'm learning that I hid the real me from my parents because of a

> fear that my nada would not approve of me. I put on weight as an organic

> suit of armor. And I would act in ways that I thought would garner the

> approval of my parents.

> >

> > I had a girlfriend in middle school who would always say that she felt

> bad for me because I had to grow up so fast. I was one of the most

> responsible people she knew and she felt that my childhood had been ripped

> away from me. I read something this morning that reminded me of this.

> >

> > " Children of borderline parents are often forced to act as the parent

> themselves— " it's like a child raising a child, " Kreger says—and this role

> can play itself out in other relationships. They grow up very quickly in

> many ways and act as caretaker for everyone, sometimes at the expense of

> taking care of themselves. " Having that undue sense of responsibility can

> leave them feeling very alone in the world, " Lawson says. And they allow

> others to tread their boundaries just as the parent did. So once you learn

> to set limits for your parent, set them for other people and learn to put

> yourself first. " (

> http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200707/borderline-walking-the-line

> )

> >

> > In massage school over this last year, we were always told to take care

> of ourselves so that we would have the energy to take care of others. It was

> such a foreign concept to me. I had always been made to feel guilty if I

> relaxed or did something " luxurious " for myself. It was even worse if my

> husband did something that my nada considered a luxury because she has such

> a hatred for men that, in her mind, buying a luxury item or going on a

> luxury vacation was an infraction of mega proportions.

> >

> > Once I started realizing that it was ok to take care of myself, nay it

> was necessary to take care of myself, I started doing it more. This has led

> to my feeling safe enough to begin tackling that 250 lb gorilla (or in my

> case, 100 lbs of excess weight) that's been in the room and that I've

> ignored for most of my life. I wonder if my nada knew that massage school

> would provide the environment for me that would allow me to begin

> rediscovering my authentic self if she would have paid my tuition?

> >

> > And speaking of accepting gifts, it's so refreshing to finally get

> validation that gifts from my nada really do have strings attached. I've

> fought so many times with my nada on this issue, so when I saw it in writing

> on the psychology today link I listed above, it was such a relief. " Don't

> let the Queen get the upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it

> engenders expectations. " All I could think was, " No $shit! "

> >

> > So now I feel extra good about refinancing our house to get the mortgage

> out from under my parents (who convinced me to let them hold our mortgage)

> and cutting up the credit card and sending it back. I want to be very clear

> that I do not want their money and I don't need their money. I'm sure it

> will piss off my nada to no end, but I don't care anymore. If she wants to

> give monetary gifts, she can put it in a trust fund for my children to have

> when they graduate from college.

> >

> > The old way obviously doesn't work. I want none of her money. I've

> received too many so-called gifts where I had to pay the price by selling my

> soul. I want to be the authentic me that the universe intended and that my

> husband fell in love with. I want to be thin, feel good about my body, be

> healthy emotionally and physically, and have a group of friends that also

> love the real me. I want to choose how I spend my time and not feel guilty

> about it. I want to stop hiding behind a facade. And hopefully someday I can

> to the point where I no longer need to take antidepressants.

> >

> > Have a beautiful day!

> >

> > Annie

> >

>

>

>