still fearful

August 24, 2011

I saw my T yesterday and she said that the fear I still have towards my nada is

stalling me...forcing me to behave like a teenager (BTW I'm way past being a

teenager; in my 30's)...to try to cut her completly out because of my fear. She

suggested that in order to move past the fear I need to let her know in a

unthreatening way what I expect from her and what I will not tolerate. She

suggested meeting in a semi-public place and to start off by thanking them for

what they have helped me with and then go into how I will be the dominate figure

in my daughter's life and I will be making the best decisions for her as well as

for myself....and they have to trust that I am capable of making smart

decisions. Also need to let them know that if ANYTHING is said to my daughter

that is out of the way, undermines my authority, or anything else that they know

i would not approve of...that I will be done with them. Have any of you

confronted your nada in such a way...starking out with kindness....and has it

worked...did it alleviate your fear?? Any suggestions?

Thanks!

August 24, 2011

One idea that occurs to me to reduce your fear, is that before you have this

meeting with your parents, get your therapist, or your husband, or a good friend

to help you " practice " how the meeting might go with some role-playing.

Such as: first, you play the part of your nada and speak the way she does, say

the kinds of things she does, while your friend/husband/therapist plays your

part.

You get to observe various ways that " you " might respond to your nada's tone of

voice, characteristic denigrating attitude and comments, the things she is

likely to say, that are different and perhaps more assertive than the way you,

yourself, normally respond.

Then, you play the part of yourself, and your friend/husband/therapist plays the

part of your nada, and you get to practice and rehearse how you might respond to

her controlling, negative, denigrating comments. So, that way, you can

experience the anxiety and fear in a safe setting, and perhaps by practicing the

encounter ahead of time, become somewhat " immune " or at least fortified for the

real thing. Like rehearsing for a play or a musical performance so that you can

do it with one hand tied behind your back, so to speak. You know your part,

cold.

To counteract fear (and this is just my own opinion, understand) you have a

couple of options: one is to replace the fear with anger. How DARE your mother

assume that she has more authority than you over your own child? How DARE she

treat you with disdain or contempt, as though you are inept and incompetent when

you are actually a very good mother; a better mother than she was, in fact.

Anger, righteous indignation, can galvanize you to action, to fight, to stand up

for yourself instead of collapsing into a limp and helpless prey. The trick is

to unload and holster your anger when its done its job and you don't need it

anymore. Anger is powerful and has the potential to become powerfully

addictive.

Another option is to attempt to become emotionally detached. I think this is

more difficult. It means that in your heart, its as though your mother has

died.

I got to the point where it seemed to me that this person whom I revered as my

Mother, and whom I thought genuinely cared for me underneath it all because she

could be sweet and kind sometimes... well, it seemed to me that she kept

repeatedly treating me as though she despised me and wanted to hurt me, and

*enjoyed* hurting me, over and over and over (and then she'd sob and beg

forgiveness, and then do it all over again. For decades.)

And I could no longer reconcile the incompatibility that someone who said she

loved me would treat me like that. The truth was that the things she said and

did to me had nothing to do with love.

So, I simply reached the point about three years ago that suddenly, she died.

My nada had finally said something that made the whole big picture so clear to

me, and I realized that nothing I could possibly say or do would ever make her

see me differently, think of me differently and treat me differently, and

so.... my mother died.

And I mourned her. Deeply, and for a long time. So now, I feel as my Sister

does: that Sister and I can feel pity for our mother, and see to it that she has

her physical and medical needs met, but we can do this from the safety of

emotional distance, aka emotional detachment.

I no longer care what my mother thinks of me or says to me or about me, or how

she feels about me, or how she feels about anything. It has no impact on me one

way or the other. How she feels about me, and how she feels in general is her

business, not mine. I am not involved in her feelings any longer. I pity her;

she is not a happy person and never has been, but its not my job to make her

happy. I can be kind to her without expecting or needing her approval,

attention, validation, or even gratitude. She is a fellow human being, nothing

more.

That is emotional detachment.

So, anyway. Those are my suggestions: try some role-playing first to practice

your encounter with nada, try accessing your righteous indignation at being

mistreated by her in order to replace your fear with anger, or try to become

emotionally detached.

You can " rent " emotional detachment, a sort of temporary appearance of it, by

using the technique called " Medium Chill " . Its at message #132289. I didn't

write it, I found it at another Group. I've used it, and it helped me. Maybe

it will work for you.

Each of us has to figure out what will work for us, because we are each

individuals and different techniques or philosophies may or may not be effective

for different people. So, I share what has worked for me.

Best of luck, and keep us posted if you can and want to.

-Annie

>

> I saw my T yesterday and she said that the fear I still have towards my nada

is stalling me...forcing me to behave like a teenager (BTW I'm way past being a