Beginning to feel depressed

August 25, 2011

I've been focusing hard on all this BPD stuff the last few days and it's

beginning to make me feel depressed. It's also making me second guess myself

somewhat, which is typical I suppose for us children of BPDs. My nada basically

accuses me of being ungrateful for all the work she does, gifts she gives, etc.

Of course, I generally haven't asked for what she does/gives and so I'm pissed

that she expects that kind of recognition from me when I didn't even ask for it.

Regarding extremes, I can think of a bunch of times when nada went overboard

with her " generosity " where I think I was expected to be grateful:

- When I was 7, my nada spent weeks sewing an elaborate colonial costume for

the bicentennial celebration. I'm sure I asked for a costume, but I doubt I

asked for her to sew one as elaborate as she did. It was lined and everything,

as if a professional seamstress made it. I wish I knew where it was. I'm sure

I would have been happy with something much less elaborate than a hand-sewn

costume. I was only seven for gosh sakes.

- When I was 9, my nada planned a sleepover for my birthday. I recall having

12 little girls over for that party. It wound up being a disaster because there

were so many people lined up on the floor that I was stepped on and cried

several times. My nada thinks I'm being selfish when I limit my kids to fewer

than a half dozen people at sleepovers. Gimme a break!

- When I got married, we had over 200 people there. Now that I think about it,

most of them were my nada's friends, not mine. It was a very formal wedding and

my nada was miserable that day. She yelled at me when things weren't going

right, as if somehow as the bride, I was supposed to fix it all for her. My

memories of my wedding day are primarily of her complaining about a dozen

different things that I had no control over but that I was expected to fix, the

sour expression she had pasted on her face, and how the caterer kept screwing

things up by failing to make enough food, failing to give champagne to my

parents' table for the toast, and not serving people in a timely way because

they kept waiting for the bridal party to finish eating before starting the next

course.

I can think of a half dozen more times when things didn't go right and I was

made to feel guilty, but then if I expressed some dissatisfaction that I was

criticized for not acting grateful for it all. Oh, I think maybe taking a break

from all this emotional stuff might be a good idea for awhile. I think I need

to let a bunch of it process or else I'm going to risk falling into a depression

that I don't want to experience right now.

I need to focus on some positive stuff in my life and let some of this negative

stuff go. Letting go is always the hardest, even with the negative stuff that

we don't want. Relinquishing control is harder still. I think perhaps I will

try to make an appointment for a facial or a massage or something luscious to

take care of my spirit today.

Hoping you all have a beautiful day!

AnnieL

August 25, 2011

Annie -

I am the same way. I think that is normal, especially when something about your

nada " clicks " with you and a flood of memories comes to you all at once and you

have a revelation that " She wasn't trying to do this, it was all about HER! " . It

is very emotionally overwhelming, especially as you are processing through old

memories.

I often have to take breaks from here and from even thinking about my childhood

and my parents because it gets to be too much. That is smart to listen to

yourself and step back for a while and come back when you feel you can handle

it.

I just had to comment on what you wrote - gosh it sounded JUST like my mom in so

many ways!

Your nada sewed the elaborate costume not because a 7 year old needed a

broadway-style dress but because she wanted everyone to go on and on about how

talented she was and " Oh my goodness! You MADE that! Oh wow, that is so

detailed! " . My nada is also a very talented seamstress and has often went over

the top for that very reason.

For MY wedding, she insisted and cried begging to make my wedding gown saying it

had always been her dream. I didn't want her to make it because I had always

dreamed of the gown purchasing experience in a bridal store. But I was not

strong at that time and in the FOG and I bowed to her wishes. My gown was nice,

but several times she refused to do certain things to it that I asked and I

ended up with a gown SHE liked. And of course, she basked in the praise at my

wedding and everyone went on and on to her about how they couldn't believe she

made such an elaborate wedding gown. It was all about her, and had nothing to do

with me.

You know that phrase " follow the money " ? With a BPD, its follow the ego. When

they do dumb and weird things, follow the ego. Its always about giving them

attention and has nothing to do with you.

My daughter's 3rd birthday party, my nada made her a ridiculously gaudy " dress

up " dress that was way too big (because she refused to use a pattern) and is so

heavy from so much decoration, lining, expensive fabric, etc my daughter can

barely wear it. Not about my daughter, but all about showing off her elaborate

costume " she made " to everyone at the birthday party.

The amount of girls your nada " required " for your sleepover - all so she could

say she was an awesome mom that threw you HUGE birthday parties.

Nothing going as " she wanted " at your wedding - she wasn't getting the attention

she wanted so she pouted.

Just follow the ego.

I totally resonate with all you wrote and I completely sympathize with taking a

break! It is very overwhelming to go back through this junk.

Enjoy a nice relaxing day and take every thought captive. Refuse to think about

her today and just pamper yourself!

>

> I've been focusing hard on all this BPD stuff the last few days and it's

beginning to make me feel depressed. It's also making me second guess myself

somewhat, which is typical I suppose for us children of BPDs. My nada basically

accuses me of being ungrateful for all the work she does, gifts she gives, etc.

Of course, I generally haven't asked for what she does/gives and so I'm pissed

that she expects that kind of recognition from me when I didn't even ask for it.

>

> Regarding extremes, I can think of a bunch of times when nada went overboard

with her " generosity " where I think I was expected to be grateful:

>

> - When I was 7, my nada spent weeks sewing an elaborate colonial costume for

the bicentennial celebration. I'm sure I asked for a costume, but I doubt I

asked for her to sew one as elaborate as she did. It was lined and everything,

as if a professional seamstress made it. I wish I knew where it was. I'm sure

I would have been happy with something much less elaborate than a hand-sewn

costume. I was only seven for gosh sakes.

>

> - When I was 9, my nada planned a sleepover for my birthday. I recall having

12 little girls over for that party. It wound up being a disaster because there

were so many people lined up on the floor that I was stepped on and cried

several times. My nada thinks I'm being selfish when I limit my kids to fewer

than a half dozen people at sleepovers. Gimme a break!

>

> - When I got married, we had over 200 people there. Now that I think about

it, most of them were my nada's friends, not mine. It was a very formal wedding

and my nada was miserable that day. She yelled at me when things weren't going

right, as if somehow as the bride, I was supposed to fix it all for her. My

memories of my wedding day are primarily of her complaining about a dozen

different things that I had no control over but that I was expected to fix, the

sour expression she had pasted on her face, and how the caterer kept screwing

things up by failing to make enough food, failing to give champagne to my

parents' table for the toast, and not serving people in a timely way because

they kept waiting for the bridal party to finish eating before starting the next

course.

>

> I can think of a half dozen more times when things didn't go right and I was

made to feel guilty, but then if I expressed some dissatisfaction that I was

criticized for not acting grateful for it all. Oh, I think maybe taking a break

from all this emotional stuff might be a good idea for awhile. I think I need

to let a bunch of it process or else I'm going to risk falling into a depression

that I don't want to experience right now.

>

> I need to focus on some positive stuff in my life and let some of this

negative stuff go. Letting go is always the hardest, even with the negative

stuff that we don't want. Relinquishing control is harder still. I think

perhaps I will try to make an appointment for a facial or a massage or something

luscious to take care of my spirit today.

>

> Hoping you all have a beautiful day!

>

> AnnieL

>

August 25, 2011

Definitely. The bigger the better with BPD people--it's all about making

them look good. I'm the oldest of six kids and we all were/are being

homeschooled. It's almost like a bragging point. On one hand, it's normal to

be proud of your accomplishment, having kids and making sure they're fed and

educated, but on the other hand, with BPD in question, it is just another

thing to puff up the ego (NP?). It's like how we started out with one dog,

and then my brother got a dog, and then now they have a golden retriever. So

3 dogs and 4 cats at last count.

The funny thing? My dad takes on all these things and does all these things,

and expects my mom to follow through with taking care of us, the animals,

and the homeschooling. Yet it's him who's the one bragging about it--it was

his decision. I doubt my mom wanted more dogs or cats...

> **

>

> Annie -

>

> I am the same way. I think that is normal, especially when something about

> your nada " clicks " with you and a flood of memories comes to you all at once

> and you have a revelation that " She wasn't trying to do this, it was all

> about HER! " . It is very emotionally overwhelming, especially as you are

> processing through old memories.

>

> I often have to take breaks from here and from even thinking about my

> childhood and my parents because it gets to be too much. That is smart to

> listen to yourself and step back for a while and come back when you feel you

> can handle it.

>

> I just had to comment on what you wrote - gosh it sounded JUST like my mom

> in so many ways!

>

> Your nada sewed the elaborate costume not because a 7 year old needed a

> broadway-style dress but because she wanted everyone to go on and on about

> how talented she was and " Oh my goodness! You MADE that! Oh wow, that is so

> detailed! " . My nada is also a very talented seamstress and has often went

> over the top for that very reason.

>

> For MY wedding, she insisted and cried begging to make my wedding gown

> saying it had always been her dream. I didn't want her to make it because I

> had always dreamed of the gown purchasing experience in a bridal store. But

> I was not strong at that time and in the FOG and I bowed to her wishes. My

> gown was nice, but several times she refused to do certain things to it that

> I asked and I ended up with a gown SHE liked. And of course, she basked in

> the praise at my wedding and everyone went on and on to her about how they

> couldn't believe she made such an elaborate wedding gown. It was all about

> her, and had nothing to do with me.

>

> You know that phrase " follow the money " ? With a BPD, its follow the ego.

> When they do dumb and weird things, follow the ego. Its always about giving

> them attention and has nothing to do with you.

>

> My daughter's 3rd birthday party, my nada made her a ridiculously gaudy

> " dress up " dress that was way too big (because she refused to use a pattern)

> and is so heavy from so much decoration, lining, expensive fabric, etc my

> daughter can barely wear it. Not about my daughter, but all about showing

> off her elaborate costume " she made " to everyone at the birthday party.

>

> The amount of girls your nada " required " for your sleepover - all so she

> could say she was an awesome mom that threw you HUGE birthday parties.

> Nothing going as " she wanted " at your wedding - she wasn't getting the

> attention she wanted so she pouted.

>

> Just follow the ego.

>

> I totally resonate with all you wrote and I completely sympathize with

> taking a break! It is very overwhelming to go back through this junk.

>

> Enjoy a nice relaxing day and take every thought captive. Refuse to think

> about her today and just pamper yourself!

>

> >

> > I've been focusing hard on all this BPD stuff the last few days and it's

> beginning to make me feel depressed. It's also making me second guess myself

> somewhat, which is typical I suppose for us children of BPDs. My nada

> basically accuses me of being ungrateful for all the work she does, gifts

> she gives, etc. Of course, I generally haven't asked for what she does/gives

> and so I'm pissed that she expects that kind of recognition from me when I

> didn't even ask for it.

> >

> > Regarding extremes, I can think of a bunch of times when nada went

> overboard with her " generosity " where I think I was expected to be grateful:

> >

> > - When I was 7, my nada spent weeks sewing an elaborate colonial costume

> for the bicentennial celebration. I'm sure I asked for a costume, but I

> doubt I asked for her to sew one as elaborate as she did. It was lined and

> everything, as if a professional seamstress made it. I wish I knew where it

> was. I'm sure I would have been happy with something much less elaborate

> than a hand-sewn costume. I was only seven for gosh sakes.

> >

> > - When I was 9, my nada planned a sleepover for my birthday. I recall

> having 12 little girls over for that party. It wound up being a disaster

> because there were so many people lined up on the floor that I was stepped

> on and cried several times. My nada thinks I'm being selfish when I limit my

> kids to fewer than a half dozen people at sleepovers. Gimme a break!

> >

> > - When I got married, we had over 200 people there. Now that I think

> about it, most of them were my nada's friends, not mine. It was a very

> formal wedding and my nada was miserable that day. She yelled at me when

> things weren't going right, as if somehow as the bride, I was supposed to

> fix it all for her. My memories of my wedding day are primarily of her

> complaining about a dozen different things that I had no control over but

> that I was expected to fix, the sour expression she had pasted on her face,

> and how the caterer kept screwing things up by failing to make enough food,

> failing to give champagne to my parents' table for the toast, and not

> serving people in a timely way because they kept waiting for the bridal

> party to finish eating before starting the next course.

> >

> > I can think of a half dozen more times when things didn't go right and I

> was made to feel guilty, but then if I expressed some dissatisfaction that I

> was criticized for not acting grateful for it all. Oh, I think maybe taking

> a break from all this emotional stuff might be a good idea for awhile. I

> think I need to let a bunch of it process or else I'm going to risk falling

> into a depression that I don't want to experience right now.

> >

> > I need to focus on some positive stuff in my life and let some of this

> negative stuff go. Letting go is always the hardest, even with the negative

> stuff that we don't want. Relinquishing control is harder still. I think

> perhaps I will try to make an appointment for a facial or a massage or

> something luscious to take care of my spirit today.

> >

> > Hoping you all have a beautiful day!

> >

> > AnnieL

> >

>

August 26, 2011

Weird. My nada was/is an excellent seamstress, too. I was in 4-H when I was

young and entered the sewing competition. Except nada wouldn't let me sew it;

she made my outfit. I mean, I was present for the construction and maybe ran the

machine for the straight seams, but all the gathers/zippers/buttonholes/things

actually requiring skill she did. I/she won. It didn't strike me until now how

wrong that was. Then she yelled at me for the way I smiled for the picture they

took of the winners. And my nada made my bridesmaids' dresses....

> >

> > I've been focusing hard on all this BPD stuff the last few days and it's

beginning to make me feel depressed. It's also making me second guess myself

somewhat, which is typical I suppose for us children of BPDs. My nada basically

accuses me of being ungrateful for all the work she does, gifts she gives, etc.

Of course, I generally haven't asked for what she does/gives and so I'm pissed

that she expects that kind of recognition from me when I didn't even ask for it.

> >

> > Regarding extremes, I can think of a bunch of times when nada went overboard

with her " generosity " where I think I was expected to be grateful:

> >

> > - When I was 7, my nada spent weeks sewing an elaborate colonial costume

for the bicentennial celebration. I'm sure I asked for a costume, but I doubt I

asked for her to sew one as elaborate as she did. It was lined and everything,

as if a professional seamstress made it. I wish I knew where it was. I'm sure

I would have been happy with something much less elaborate than a hand-sewn

costume. I was only seven for gosh sakes.

> >

> > - When I was 9, my nada planned a sleepover for my birthday. I recall

having 12 little girls over for that party. It wound up being a disaster

because there were so many people lined up on the floor that I was stepped on

and cried several times. My nada thinks I'm being selfish when I limit my kids

to fewer than a half dozen people at sleepovers. Gimme a break!

> >

> > - When I got married, we had over 200 people there. Now that I think about