Starting from beginning - again!

August 25, 2011

This one is long.

So I've started to fixing myself instead of nada. I`ve set firm boundaries and

after some extortion from nada things calm down. We even have some kind of

" relationship " ( the one you can have with BPD) I thought the big work is done i

can relax a bit. I felt so good. But few days ago a new " aha " moment hit me.

You probably experience a moment when some thought, memory, event......

trigger something in you and you suddenly see the hole picture - all the little

pieces come together and you are shocked how you didn't see the obvious truth

before.

I realized that my biggest problem is not nada ( she is BPD by book) the most

dark things and traumas are connected with my fada. He died 16 years ago. At

that time I didn't know nothing about BPD; NPD or any other personal disorders.

( Nada was diagnosed few years ago) I just thought that my family is a bit

crazy. I was at his death bed and at the moment he died I suddenly felt such a

deep hatred it shocked me. At that time I didn't realize why I hate him so much

and after that I forgot about that and i have so much work with my nada (

clinging on me and and my sister demanding to be fada surrogates ) I didn't

thought a lot about him.

I have little memories from my childhood ( the one I have are horrible) so it

was and it still is hard for me to get all the picture. But few days ago I

realized - he was even worst than nada and he probably was psychopath and sadist

( ar at least NPD or BPD).

He was well respect in our community ( he still is after 16 years of his

death..) but at home he was cold, cruel and totally distant. For him our home

was some kind of hotel. He was living his own life and he came and went

whenever he wanted. Nobody was asking him any questions. It was unimaginable. He

requested 5 stars services - or he would rage, throw things at wall, scream at

my nada, beat me....He didn't care about children. He wanted to have boys but

ended up with too girls. He definitely didn't care for me ( he has some

connection with my sister - the golden child).. Not just because I'm a girl but

because even as a girl I didn't meet his perception of woman. I was an object,

mistake, something weird to him.

He was patrhiarh , dictator and my nada and sister totally obeyed him. I was the

only one who fought battles with him . Mostly for nada because he treated her

very very badly. He screamed at her a lot or he didn't talk to her at all ( one

time for 2 years( and they where using me and my sister to pass the unavoidably

messages. He didn't beat her but he always insulted her badly even in front of

other people. His way of showing " affection " was to kick you in the ass and make

cruel jokes of you. Everybody believed ( including me) that that was the way he

was that he didn't know better that he loved us.It was kind of normal for us.

I've realized now he was a sadist who was even proud of his actions. They amused

him.

My nada was always crying to me how badly he treated her I fought for her with

him and risk heavy rages or beating although I thought she is so impossible and

incapable that I can even understand him a bit. But it was just too much. LIke

a lot of BPD's she then turned against me and use use his raging at me to

" connect " with him. That was sometimes the only way she can get his attention

and approval. She agreed with him that I'm a bad daughter who has a big mouth

and at least for a moment they share something.. At one point I had had enough,

I stopped protecting nada and I somehow managed he stopped beating me or ranging

at me. ( long story)

Part of it was because few years before his death he changed completely.She had

discovered that he was afraid of her " craziness " I can not remember what

exactly had happened but I recall some memories of her screaming hysterically

lying on the steps. She than discovered she could manipulate with that very

easily and she use that a lot. She became the dictator and he became a

submissive one. They strangely changed roles completely. At that time I was not

living at home anymore, he lost his interest in me completely and he left me

alone, That is probably why I somehow forgot what a huge bastard he was.

It takes me years after his death to realize that he was alcoholic too. I

couldn' believed how I could not put one and one together. It was so obvious. I

also found out that some of his stories was complete lies. He for instance told

me that between 2 world war he was sent in child working nazi)camp in Germany

and he had managed to escape by himself crossing all the Europe. Complete lie.

and there is a lot of stories like that. I too found out he put me or my sister

in very dangerous situation and that we could easily die. I remember some of the

events but at that time I didn't realize that even it was obvious.... It is

strange how you can (as a child) pick veird perception of the world around you

as normal and how much time you need to decode and change that. And now I

understand from where my hatred came when he died. Somehow deep down I knew the

truth but I couldn' see it at that time. And even than I didn`t realize that he

is psychopath.

It takes me another few years to realize that he is not an odd man who didn't

know how to show emotions. To see the trhuth,

So I was raised with BPD and psychopath ( not to mention crazy grandfada and

grandnada who are death too...) After I had resolved my problems with nada and I

was thinking I'm done with that I'm at the beginning again. It will even be

harder to resolve that because he is death and I had such a big holes in my

memories and nobody to ask what really was happening at that time. And if I ask

nada there will be just more lies and distortions.

If I look at how much my life and me changed after I dig in my past with nada

and healed myself I know it is worth. But it still sucks.

yenaine

August 25, 2011

(((((yenaine)))))

I'm so sorry that you and your sister had to endure such a horrific childhood.

A parent who deliberately endangers his own children's lives and thinks its

funny, who starves his children for attention and affection and instead kicks

them and humiliates them, and thinks that is amusing, well, I would agree with

you that such a person probably is a psychopath.

Its criminal behavior, as far as I'm concerned.

One of the survival mechanisms of children who are trapped with no escape from

an extremely abusive and controlling or negligent family of origin, is to go

into denial. Denial creates a false but safe-feeling cocoon in which the child

can make herself believe that her parents actually love her and the things they

do to her are done out of love. So the child easily forgets the last round of

abuse. Denial, dissociation, innocence, inexperience and trust protect the

small child from reality: that her true position is rather precarious and

probably hopeless; denial shields the child from suicidal despair.

The bond a child has with her primary caregivers is so strong and so hard-wired

at an instinct level that it bypasses rational thought.

A very small battered child will cling screaming in fear to her battering

mother, the person who just broke the child's leg, instead of rushing into the

arms of a caring nurse or doctor who is there only to help the child because

those people are strangers. Irrationally, the familiar but abusive mother feels

safer to the child than the strangers do.

I think there must be some extra spark of survival instinct in you, some

unquenchable inner strength and resiliency, some humanitarian core in you that

made you try to defend your mother and yourself from his abuse, when you were

just a child and young person, even if that meant bringing his rage down on

yourself.

However, as you have mentioned, the fact that your mother was also abusive

toward you, that she actually used you to deflect your father's wrath from

herself, indicates that she also had a severe personality disorder. Throwing

your child " under the bus " to save yourself is not the hallmark of a good

mother, in my opinion.

Some people just simply have all the parenting instincts of monitor lizards,

which will sometimes just casually devour their own eggs and hatchlings if they

get hungry enough and the eggs are handy.

And how absolutely fascinating that your parents switched roles with each other,

from dominant to submissive, later in life. I have never heard of that

particular thing happening, before. The more I read, the more I learn about

personality disorders.

I agree with you, that as we dig down and uncover first one layer, then another

layer, then another layer of family history and our own hidden, repressed

memories, it can be overwhelming. Give yourself plenty of time to process or

digest and incorporate each piece of new knowledge, and time to fit it in to the

big picture.

You are a survivor, and I think you'll survive each new layer you uncover.

-Annie

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> This one is long.

>

> So I've started to fixing myself instead of nada. I`ve set firm boundaries and