Re: perspective needed - to all

[Guest guest]

To Pdff:

" So, I guess you have to judge for yourself if you have the kind of relationship

with your BP mother where you have the power to say, " mom, we are going to the

doctor today and you do not have a choice. " Will she kick you out or will she

get in the car? "

LOL! She'd kick me out and for good measure before she did " The Witch " would

come out and she'd stab me as hard as she could in whatever emotionally

vulnerable place she could think of. This is what she did last time I really

pressed her to get physical therapy because she can barely walk. I also live

many states away and visit about once a year, so my efforts to make her go to

the doctor have less weight because I'm not physically there offering to drive

her. I hear your points about what incompetence is....she does not qualify at

this point.

To Annie:

It sounds like it was a blessing (though a sad one) that your mother's mental

decline was clear. With my mother it's like there's a section of her brain

that's damaged or like she's retarded, but only that one section - the other

sections work fine. So it's easy for her to believe that she's a rational

adult who makes good decisions and easy for her to represent herself that way to

others unless they encounter her very specific areas of " crazy " . So I want to

say yeah it's her job totally - but......she really isn't able to make rational

decisions when it comes to certain things, she can't weigh consequences, and

facts she doesn't like literally get forgotten or distorted. Still I agree

with you that it's not within my power....not legally and not within our

relationship.

To Chris:

Wow, your mother sounds like she's in the same club is mine! Did you ever

struggle with questions of guilt and responsibility? How did you make peace, if

you did? Has you mother ever said anything that gives you a clue why she

refuses to take care of her body? With my mother she's almost come out and

said it that the experience of losing control, of allowing another person

authority over her (like a physical therapist or doctor) is psychologically

unbearable. She would rather suffer any amount of pain, infirmity, or

inconvenience to avoid it. Now to contradict that she also can't bear to deny

herself comfort or to endure certain discomforts. I keep thinking it has got

to be some kind of organic brain thing on some level.

>

> Hi all, I've not been posting much lately due to lots of real life stress and

distractions. But today I thought, I really need some outside perspectives and

knew this was the place. Here's the situation... My nada is in poor health

but is still living independently in her own home. She had a helper who came

in once a week who helped her with basic household stuff, but that person moved

away. It was a huge struggle to get her to accept this person to begin with and

now she's putting up walls again. Saying she doesn't feel well enough to handle

" the stress " of a new helper, in the meanwhile her home is getting filthier and

there are food safety issues.

>

> Here's the part that's making me go crazy though. Her vision got blurry in

one eye and it was discovered she has some kind of retinopathy - pretty

seriously advanced. Her ophthalmologist ordered her to get a series of tests

from her GP done immediately last week - she put it off, she got sick, she's

trying to put it off some more. I and her sister have shown her research from

the web that what is wrong with her likely indicates a systemic problem that if

it isn't fixed she may be in very serious risk of having a stroke and having

continued damage to her vision and other parts of her body. She ignores all of

this, focuses on a theory she has which makes it sound less serious and

continues to delay. It's like she won't lift a finger to help herself - she has

a blood pressure kit at home and hasn't taken it even once since all this

started. Hypertensive retinopathy is a real possibility here - this is the

scariest option with the greatest stroke risk. I've pushed her as far as I can

without her just shutting down and refusing to talk to me.

>

> My nada's health has always been the weak point of my boundaries. Before she

started having health problems I was able to live far away and pursue my own

goals pretty well - with some guilt yes, but I was clear on what wasn't mine.

Now that my nada is having real physical problems and showing mental problems in

managing it, what is my obligation? If this continues she may literally be

moving towards a stroke and/or blindness. Odds are even if there are things

she can do with monitoring and medication to stop this, she's unlikely to do so.

So do I just...let go? It's one thing to say it's her bed she made it for so

many things in life, but this is so serious. How do I watch her walking off a

cliff?

>

> I know I'm falling into black/white thinking here, but I feel like she's

pushed me into it. It's like either I don't say anything and maintain the

relationship as it is while she drives her health off a cliff (and oh yeah,

about driving...). I strongly keep telling her she's risking her health and

she cuts me off and/or refuses to talk about it anymore. Or I look into getting

her declared incompetent in some form so she can be forced to get proper

treatment but that would likely involve her being put in a home against her

will.

>

> Now that I've written all this out - and thanks for reading - it looks like I

probably should just let her destroy herself if she wants to. But I don't want

to watch.

>

> So any perspectives???

>

> Eliza

>