Feel like running away

[Guest guest]

So facing all of these feelings about my nada and my past has me feeling like

running away. Perfect fight or flight response going on. I want to move away

to someplace where she can't find me again. I feel this so strongly that I

actually looked at real estate and schools for my kids in Texas near my

husband's family, who accept me and think I'm wonderful. I guess this is a

pretty normal response on my part, but the frustration of knowing I can't make

my escape is actually making me depressed.

My husband clearly explained to me that my pattern growing up has always been

that I had to change something to make nada happy, so it's a strong neurological

pattern to feel the need to change something when I'm feeling stressed. Doing

nothing has never been a possibility and I've always tried doing something to

make myself feel better....eat, cut my hair, spend money, or take on a

complicated project. Usually it's been eating, to soothe my frazzled nerves,

hence the need to lose 100 lbs.

So I'm feeling majorly stressed and don't feel like I have an outlet for it.

That generally leads to depression because it makes me feel helpless. I'd love

some suggestions for a way to deal with this internal stress I'm experiencing.

It's been going on now for several days and I haven't been able to break the

pattern. At this point I just feel like crying and hiding under the covers.

AnnieL

[Guest guest]

I totally sympathize....I had the feeling so strongly after getting disowned

and I still have it now and then...and eating was my comfort, too. I need to

lose only about 25 lbs, but still, it's difficult when I keep eating.

Running was actually a great outlet for me. (I really need to get back on

that.) It merged my desire to run away with something that's good for me. I

used the Couch to 5K program (C25K) and after the first couple of weeks of

getting used to running, I started getting an endorphin high after each run

that felt WONDERFUL. I was actually starting to crave running.

I would think, " ha, f*ck you dad. I'm doing this for me. " and I imagined

myself outrunning fada sometimes. My thing is I like playing religious music

because I refuse to let fada take my faith away from me. But you can totally

play rebellious music, or something that always perks you up, while you run.

Sadly, I fell off the running bandwagon a little while back due to the

pressure of summer school, but if I keep finding myself having free time,

I'm going to start on it again.

It took a lot of effort to actually drag my ass to the exercise room in my

apartment complex, and the first few minutes I just had no energy sometimes

thanks to depression. But I forced myself to follow the C25K program, and

after the run, I felt so GOOD!

Biking is another good thing to do--gives you the feeling of " running away "

without actually doing so. And it's good for you. And its something I refuse

to let fada ruin for me--it's MY thing. I don't want him to see me

overweight and see it as a victory that he's right and I'm wrong---I want to

say, I did this in spite of you---I did this to SPITE you.

I would go for a run tonight if I weren't taking a 35mi bike ride tomorrow.

But I'll use that as the starting point to get back into the exercise habit.

On Sat, Aug 27, 2011 at 10:09 AM, annie2011lewis

wrote:

> **

>

>

> So facing all of these feelings about my nada and my past has me feeling

> like running away. Perfect fight or flight response going on. I want to move

> away to someplace where she can't find me again. I feel this so strongly

> that I actually looked at real estate and schools for my kids in Texas near

> my husband's family, who accept me and think I'm wonderful. I guess this is

> a pretty normal response on my part, but the frustration of knowing I can't

> make my escape is actually making me depressed.

>

> My husband clearly explained to me that my pattern growing up has always

> been that I had to change something to make nada happy, so it's a strong

> neurological pattern to feel the need to change something when I'm feeling

> stressed. Doing nothing has never been a possibility and I've always tried

> doing something to make myself feel better....eat, cut my hair, spend money,

> or take on a complicated project. Usually it's been eating, to soothe my

> frazzled nerves, hence the need to lose 100 lbs.

>

> So I'm feeling majorly stressed and don't feel like I have an outlet for

> it. That generally leads to depression because it makes me feel helpless.

> I'd love some suggestions for a way to deal with this internal stress I'm

> experiencing. It's been going on now for several days and I haven't been

> able to break the pattern. At this point I just feel like crying and hiding

> under the covers.

>

> AnnieL

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Is rlaw still out there? I used to belong to this group. I havent had contact

with my ex bp for 1 year and 9 mos; been divorced for 5 years. Is still

here? Anyone I used to know? Can I make some new contacts here?

I am really feeling lost and freaked out. My ex has been on a long scandalous

escapade to ruin me and I am tired. worn out, Feel like crying, depressed. So

much stuff has happened I dont know where to start.

He said  in March I was going to have him kiled so he asked for a personal order

of protection. They gave us a

restraining order. All this was a bid for attention since I was ignoring his

emails for attention to go out with him and his chasing me around town, making

scenes in public. He insulted me in front of my friends before that and that

didnt bring me running back. Guess he thought a good fight would start things

up.

Anyway since the personal order of protection he started his false arrests,

several of them, one successful which became an " unarrest " when the police

realized they had been duped by ex bp and made a mistake but by then I had been

handcuffed booked frisked humiliated, jailed etc. The damage was done. Then he

has tried the anonymous emails, phone calls to my job saying I was arrested then

to board of licensure to say I was arrested also.

Thankfully, the police caught onto to the false arrest stuff and I have a

stalking report on file, my job is cool and they just gave me a raise and a 100%

integrity rating.

But today he again went into a community center I was at and I had to call

police to enforce the restraining order.  So tonight, I have the lights on

outside awaiting slashed tires and scatched car sides again as his normal

revenge.

I am tired. This has become routine in a sick way. I dont tell everyone

everything except my sister and 2 friends because nobody really wants to know.

They just want me to get along with him. But I am following police instruction  

which is to send police and my lawyer when he contacts and eventually he will go

another direction. I dont know if and when that will happen but I hope it is

true.  CECE

[Guest guest]

Hi Cece,

I'm so sorry you are going through such a hellish thing with your ex. How

terrifying, I feel so badly for you. It sounds like you are doing everything

possible to protect yourself, short of moving to another state and changing your

name!

Perhaps you were in one of the other Groups at " Welcome To Oz " , for those in

chosen relationships? This is the Group for the adult kids of bpd parents.

Here are links to some of the other support Groups at bpdcentral:

WTOStaying

FOR those who prefer to be with those who are staying with their BP partner or

spouse

Subscribe: WTOStaying-subscribe

or visit our homepage at: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOStaying

WTOTransition

For those ambivalent about staying with or leaving their BP partner or spouse

Subscribe: WTOTransition-subscribe

or visit our homepage at: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOTransition

WTODivorcing

For people who want to be with those who are divorcing their BP spouse

Subscribe: WTODivorcing-subscribe

or visit our homepage at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTODivorcing

There are even more groups to choose from at the home page of WTO. YOu're

welcome to stay, but you'll probably get more targeted responses at the chosen

relationship based groups.

best of luck to you,

-Annie

>

> Is rlaw still out there? I used to belong to this group. I havent had contact

with my ex bp for 1 year and 9 mos; been divorced for 5 years. Is still

here? Anyone I used to know? Can I make some new contacts here?

>

> I am really feeling lost and freaked out. My ex has been on a long scandalous

escapade to ruin me and I am tired. worn out, Feel like crying, depressed. So

much stuff has happened I dont know where to start.

>

> He said  in March I was going to have him kiled so he asked for a personal

order of protection. They gave us a

>

> restraining order. All this was a bid for attention since I was ignoring his

emails for attention to go out with him and his chasing me around town, making

scenes in public. He insulted me in front of my friends before that and that

>

> didnt bring me running back. Guess he thought a good fight would start things

up.

>

> Anyway since the personal order of protection he started his false arrests,

several of them, one successful which became an " unarrest " when the police

realized they had been duped by ex bp and made a mistake but by then I had been

handcuffed booked frisked humiliated, jailed etc. The damage was done. Then he

has tried the anonymous emails, phone calls to my job saying I was arrested then

to board of licensure to say I was arrested also.

>

>

> Thankfully, the police caught onto to the false arrest stuff and I have a

stalking report on file, my job is cool and they just gave me a raise and a 100%

integrity rating.

>

>

> But today he again went into a community center I was at and I had to call

police to enforce the restraining order.  So tonight, I have the lights on

outside awaiting slashed tires and scatched car sides again as his normal

revenge.

>

>

> I am tired. This has become routine in a sick way. I dont tell everyone

everything except my sister and 2 friends because nobody really wants to know.

They just want me to get along with him. But I am following police instruction  

which is to send police and my lawyer when he contacts and eventually he will go

another direction. I dont know if and when that will happen but I hope it is

true.  CECE

>

>