Re: Hard time remembering

[Guest guest]

Yes, totally! I remember some bits and pieces--like the time I pushed my

brother down the window well when I was 4 or 5...but it usually takes a

trigger to bring up any memories. I think my brain has done such a good job

of suppressing the bad times in order for me to pretend everything was hunky

dory at home.

Holly

> **

>

>

> Does anyone else find they have a difficult time remembering most of their

> childhood? I find it very hard to recall childhood memories; it takes a lot

> of effort. Occasionally memories come to me and I'm usually very surprised

> by them.

>

> Does anyone else have problems actually remembering a lot about their

> childhood?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I remember quite a lot of my childhood, and yet every now and then, something,

some sight or smell or interaction I'm in or witnessing will trigger a forgotten

memory. I kept a diary for a while, from about ages 9-11, and that is a good

window on that period of my life. My parents were into taking lots of pictures

and even 8mm films when Sister and I were little kids and young teens, and that

helps me jog my memory about some events.

My coping mechanisms were to shut off my emotions and I lived in my head and

fantasized a lot. I just wasn't " there " emotionally for my family, although the

emotion I do remember feeling most of the time was a low-grade anxiety. I was a

nervous, jittery, nail-biting child who would startle easily. But I had to

learn to squelch my startle reaction around nada, because if nada made a

sudden, unexpected move near me and it startled me, and she saw me jump, that

might trigger her into a rage. It embarrassed her that I was so obviously

afraid of her.

My little Sister on the other hand has told me that she literally does not

remember very much of her childhood at all. But over the last few years, as she

has been in therapy, she's been able to gain back some of her childhood

memories, and her mind-body connection. So her coping mechanism was repression

of memory and she " left " her body behind. She had no startle reflex and an

extremely high pain threshold, but now through some kind of neural-feedback

therapy her psychologist was giving her, she is getting her ability to feel

back.

So, I guess different individual children hit on different coping mechanisms to

help deal with the fear, the stress, the anxiety, the loneliness and despair of

being raised by bpd parents.

-Annie

>

> Does anyone else find they have a difficult time remembering most of their

childhood? I find it very hard to recall childhood memories; it takes a lot of

effort. Occasionally memories come to me and I'm usually very surprised by them.

>

> Does anyone else have problems actually remembering a lot about their

childhood?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, most of it is a blur. It freaks me out a bit when a family member brings

up something from the past that I should remember - like something a favorite

pet did, but I just draw a blank. I think I was checked out for most of my

childhood, just walking through the part most of the time. I don't feel much

desire at all to try to recapture the memories because I doubt they were happy.

Eliza

>

> Does anyone else find they have a difficult time remembering most of their

childhood? I find it very hard to recall childhood memories; it takes a lot of

effort. Occasionally memories come to me and I'm usually very surprised by them.

>

> Does anyone else have problems actually remembering a lot about their

childhood?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My sister doesn't remember our childhood, but I do. I think it makes it easier

for her to keep a relationship with Nada. I wonder if she has less anger

because she doesn't recall what happened. We had different roles. I stood and

fought back, but she ran.

>

> Does anyone else find they have a difficult time remembering most of their

childhood? I find it very hard to recall childhood memories; it takes a lot of

effort. Occasionally memories come to me and I'm usually very surprised by them.

>

> Does anyone else have problems actually remembering a lot about their

childhood?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Me too. I hardly remember anything. Just some ugly pieces and feeling of horror.

But I do remember how I trained myself not to feel and not to cry in front of my

parents. I didn't want to give them satisfaction. I even remember one moment

when I was thinking " I have to forget that . I know how to do it. But what if I

would like to remember anything later in my life??? " I can not recall what had

happened before that thought.

Even now I can be completely calm in the middle of total mess like some kind of

war veteran....people get histeric, evrything goes wrong....and I could be

completly calm and can function even better than when everything is at peace. i

can relax and be at ease just when I'm alone or with very very good old friends.

The last few years I started to remembering more but still in pieces and like

some kind of a film. I have to really dig deep into that memories to feel the

feeling behind.

Yenaine

[Guest guest]

Hi, .

Oh, I WISH I had a difficult time remembering my childhood. Everything that

happened is etched all too clearly into my brain.

Judy

> **

>

>

> Does anyone else find they have a difficult time remembering most of their

> childhood? I find it very hard to recall childhood memories; it takes a lot

> of effort. Occasionally memories come to me and I'm usually very surprised

> by them.

>

> Does anyone else have problems actually remembering a lot about their

> childhood?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I can't remember much of anything form my childhood. Bits and pieces here

and there. Some good a lot bad. A lot of my friends in high school would joke

that I had a bad memory. I would rarely remember things we did together- even

good fun times. I just can't remember atndit sucks. I always attributed it to

" having a bad memory " but now after having come to terms with a lot of things

that went on and realized BPD was at the root of it, I have to agree that a lot

of it was supression. Just not wanting to remember a lot of the bad things.

[Guest guest]

yes. I have blocked out whole scenarios that occurred, starting with my being

placed on my stroke-victim gr-grandmother's lap when I was a youngster. The

memory of this popped out one day and, upon questioning other family, figured

out why I was terrified of old people!

I also have lost whole patches of things, usually centered around nada being

actively abusive around me, or gaslighting me. It seems that my way of dealing

with nada was to ignore the crazy. My husband was shocked to figure out that

experiences he witnessed involving my nada, I had not remembered.

The reality is simply too much sometimes.

>

> Does anyone else find they have a difficult time remembering most of their

childhood? I find it very hard to recall childhood memories; it takes a lot of

effort. Occasionally memories come to me and I'm usually very surprised by them.

>

> Does anyone else have problems actually remembering a lot about their

childhood?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

One of my struggles in therapy was my inability to remember any specifics from

my childhood, with the exception of a few " snapshots. " I learned that this was

abnormal. The only thing I could bring to therapy regarding my childhood was my

feelings, which were strong and pervasive. I can't remember what happened or

what was said, but I can remember the general story line and my feelings within

its context.

I was so afraid of my mother that I would dissociate whenever she was around.

She would stab into me deeply with sharp words of castration, then leave me to

bleed out. She would whip me with the belt regularly (sometimes daily). She

was never remorseful for being so abusive; she seemed to feel completely

justified. I can't remember what triggered it or what was said.

I remember that it usually happened in my room, away from witnesses. If she

became angry with me, she would always wait until we got home, send me to my

room, then after waiting for a while, she would come with the belt. But the

belt wasn't the thing that hurt the most, it was the verbal castration that

gutted me. My mother was a castrator. She hated anything with a penis and she

was the only one in our family that did not have one (father, brother, and I

did). All she wanted was a girl, but she kept getting boys.

I learned that incomplete memory from childhood is a characteristic of childhood

PTSD (otherwise known as Complex PTSD).

>

> Does anyone else find they have a difficult time remembering most of their

childhood? I find it very hard to recall childhood memories; it takes a lot of

effort. Occasionally memories come to me and I'm usually very surprised by them.

>

> Does anyone else have problems actually remembering a lot about their

childhood?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" I can't remember what happened or what was said, but I can remember the

general story line and my feelings within its context. "

You described so perfectly how it is for me, too. I remember some memories,

too--but it usually takes a trigger for me to remember. And that's a huge

part of the reason why I feel like I'm only whining or making up things when

I can't come up with concrete examples--the thought that maybe it's all me.

If it weren't for my husband being there and witnessing some of it and

telling me that I'm not crazy, I'd probably be drawn back into my dad's

crazy world.

And I didn't know that an inability to remember childhood is a symptom of

c-ptsd--thanks for sharing that.

> **

>

>

> One of my struggles in therapy was my inability to remember any specifics

> from my childhood, with the exception of a few " snapshots. " I learned that

> this was abnormal. The only thing I could bring to therapy regarding my

> childhood was my feelings, which were strong and pervasive. I can't remember

> what happened or what was said, but I can remember the general story line

> and my feelings within its context.

>

> I was so afraid of my mother that I would dissociate whenever she was

> around. She would stab into me deeply with sharp words of castration, then

> leave me to bleed out. She would whip me with the belt regularly (sometimes

> daily). She was never remorseful for being so abusive; she seemed to feel

> completely justified. I can't remember what triggered it or what was said.

>

> I remember that it usually happened in my room, away from witnesses. If she

> became angry with me, she would always wait until we got home, send me to my

> room, then after waiting for a while, she would come with the belt. But the

> belt wasn't the thing that hurt the most, it was the verbal castration that

> gutted me. My mother was a castrator. She hated anything with a penis and

> she was the only one in our family that did not have one (father, brother,

> and I did). All she wanted was a girl, but she kept getting boys.

>

> I learned that incomplete memory from childhood is a characteristic of

> childhood PTSD (otherwise known as Complex PTSD).

>

>

> >

> > Does anyone else find they have a difficult time remembering most of

> their childhood? I find it very hard to recall childhood memories; it takes

> a lot of effort. Occasionally memories come to me and I'm usually very

> surprised by them.

> >

> > Does anyone else have problems actually remembering a lot about their

> childhood?

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Holy hell...this happens to me all the time!!!! I thought I had some sort of

memory issue, but maybe I should look into this. I can't remember anything

important - especially conversations - unless I write it down somewhere.

I always remember faces, feelings and the general plot of things - but rarely am

I the person with the " remember that time " story.

Huh.

K

> > >

> > > Does anyone else find they have a difficult time remembering most of

> > their childhood? I find it very hard to recall childhood memories; it takes

> > a lot of effort. Occasionally memories come to me and I'm usually very

> > surprised by them.

> > >

> > > Does anyone else have problems actually remembering a lot about their

> > childhood?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, thanks for sharing the complex PTSD thing. I also don't remember much

except snapshots. I guess I was frightened most of the time. I can't remember

much at all. Blank for years on end.

N

> " I can't remember what happened or what was said, but I can remember the

> general story line and my feelings within its context. "

>

> You described so perfectly how it is for me, too. I remember some memories,

> too--but it usually takes a trigger for me to remember. And that's a huge

> part of the reason why I feel like I'm only whining or making up things when

> I can't come up with concrete examples--the thought that maybe it's all me.

> If it weren't for my husband being there and witnessing some of it and

> telling me that I'm not crazy, I'd probably be drawn back into my dad's

> crazy world.

>

> And I didn't know that an inability to remember childhood is a symptom of

> c-ptsd--thanks for sharing that.

>

>

>

>> **

>>

>>

>> One of my struggles in therapy was my inability to remember any specifics

>> from my childhood, with the exception of a few " snapshots. " I learned that

>> this was abnormal. The only thing I could bring to therapy regarding my

>> childhood was my feelings, which were strong and pervasive. I can't remember

>> what happened or what was said, but I can remember the general story line

>> and my feelings within its context.

>>

>> I was so afraid of my mother that I would dissociate whenever she was

>> around. She would stab into me deeply with sharp words of castration, then

>> leave me to bleed out. She would whip me with the belt regularly (sometimes

>> daily). She was never remorseful for being so abusive; she seemed to feel

>> completely justified. I can't remember what triggered it or what was said.

>>

>> I remember that it usually happened in my room, away from witnesses. If she

>> became angry with me, she would always wait until we got home, send me to my

>> room, then after waiting for a while, she would come with the belt. But the

>> belt wasn't the thing that hurt the most, it was the verbal castration that

>> gutted me. My mother was a castrator. She hated anything with a penis and

>> she was the only one in our family that did not have one (father, brother,

>> and I did). All she wanted was a girl, but she kept getting boys.

>>

>> I learned that incomplete memory from childhood is a characteristic of

>> childhood PTSD (otherwise known as Complex PTSD).

>>

>>

>>>

>>> Does anyone else find they have a difficult time remembering most of

>> their childhood? I find it very hard to recall childhood memories; it takes

>> a lot of effort. Occasionally memories come to me and I'm usually very

>> surprised by them.

>>>

>>> Does anyone else have problems actually remembering a lot about their

>> childhood?

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>

>>

>>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Snapshots is a good description and it's weird the things that got the snapshot

treatment. One memory comes up strongly for me reading this thread...I was in

preschool probably 4-5, and I had found some old wood on the ground from a tree,

you know the white crumbly kind. I got up high as a could on jungle gym thing

and crumbled the wood and watched it fall down like snow. I just remember a

sense of isolation/longing and that's it. No memories before it or after it,

and that's one of the few memories that I have of that preschool covering a span

of three YEARS. Why did I remember that? Or was that a rare moment that I

finally relaxed so it got recorded? Was I longing for a past life where there

was snow (I'd never seen snow at that age) where things were much better?

Nothing but questions.

Eliza

> >>>

> >>> Does anyone else find they have a difficult time remembering most of

> >> their childhood? I find it very hard to recall childhood memories; it takes

> >> a lot of effort. Occasionally memories come to me and I'm usually very

> >> surprised by them.

> >>>

> >>> Does anyone else have problems actually remembering a lot about their

> >> childhood?

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>

> >>

> >>

> >

> >

> >