Grand-nada passed away-now all alone with nada

[Guest guest]

My grandnada passed away yesterday at the age of 87. She was old, sick in kidney

failure and congestive heart failure. She was staying at my nada's house (her

way of controlling the situation) and died in hospice care.

Throughout my nada's stay in the hospital, I have received numerous phone calls

from cousins and family members that my nada's behavior has become increasingly

irrational. She feels like my cousins are 'setting her up' and getting involved

in my grandma's affairs when my nada felt it was " none of their business " . I

even had a cousin call me to tell me " I see your mom in a whole different light

now. She hides her craziness very well. " YEP!! No shit!!!

I am afriad that I will succumb to the FOG. I am afraid that now that my

grandnada is gone, my nada is now lost because she has no one to control and is

going to come at me full force. I do not want to restablish my relationship with

her (which my therapist thinks is the best thing for me), but Im afraid of the

next Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc....

How do you guys stand your ground? Any tips?

AJ

[Guest guest]

Are you going total NC? Or LC?

On Sun, Aug 28, 2011 at 8:13 PM, aj91507 wrote:

> **

>

>

> My grandnada passed away yesterday at the age of 87. She was old, sick in

> kidney failure and congestive heart failure. She was staying at my nada's

> house (her way of controlling the situation) and died in hospice care.

>

> Throughout my nada's stay in the hospital, I have received numerous phone

> calls from cousins and family members that my nada's behavior has become

> increasingly irrational. She feels like my cousins are 'setting her up' and

> getting involved in my grandma's affairs when my nada felt it was " none of

> their business " . I even had a cousin call me to tell me " I see your mom in a

> whole different light now. She hides her craziness very well. " YEP!! No

> shit!!!

>

> I am afriad that I will succumb to the FOG. I am afraid that now that my

> grandnada is gone, my nada is now lost because she has no one to control and

> is going to come at me full force. I do not want to restablish my

> relationship with her (which my therapist thinks is the best thing for me),

> but Im afraid of the next Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc....

>

> How do you guys stand your ground? Any tips?

>

> AJ

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I was total NC before this and would like to stay that way if I could...

AJ

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > My grandnada passed away yesterday at the age of 87. She was old, sick in

> > kidney failure and congestive heart failure. She was staying at my nada's

> > house (her way of controlling the situation) and died in hospice care.

> >

> > Throughout my nada's stay in the hospital, I have received numerous phone

> > calls from cousins and family members that my nada's behavior has become

> > increasingly irrational. She feels like my cousins are 'setting her up' and

> > getting involved in my grandma's affairs when my nada felt it was " none of

> > their business " . I even had a cousin call me to tell me " I see your mom in a

> > whole different light now. She hides her craziness very well. " YEP!! No

> > shit!!!

> >

> > I am afriad that I will succumb to the FOG. I am afraid that now that my

> > grandnada is gone, my nada is now lost because she has no one to control and

> > is going to come at me full force. I do not want to restablish my

> > relationship with her (which my therapist thinks is the best thing for me),

> > but Im afraid of the next Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc....

> >

> > How do you guys stand your ground? Any tips?

> >

> > AJ

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I went trough that twice. When fada died and years later when my sister died

too.

When fada died (16 y ago) I didn't know nothing about BPD and didn't realize

that she is BPD and he is BPD; NPD or psychopath ( I'm still not sure which one

but he was seriously disturbed too).

I wanted to give her some support but I couldn't even if I tried. It become a

" life or death " fight between her and me. She pushed and pushed me to be my fada

surrogate and to play by her rules and I just couldn't. I didn't understand

what was happening with me ( I'm normaly quite compassionate and I allways help

my friend without hesitation). Our conversations started kindly and ended with

screaming from both sides. I felt guilty and felt like a bitch but I just

couldn't play in her scenario the way she wanted me ( thanks god for that!!)

When she found out that she couldn't get what she wanted she foxused even more

on my sister. Playing a victim who lost everbody and telling her how bitcy I'm

and cold and probably crazy .Sometimes I even had a strange feeling that she

get what she wanted that she wanted me to behave like that - cold, distant or

screaming - that is how fada behaved with her and she was so comfortable to be a

victim and she could use that to get even closer to my sister.

Last year my sister died. At that time I already know a lot about BPD because

nada was diagnosed by her doctor. I was reading a lot of books about that and

this group's posts. It helped me a lot to understand what was really happening

with her and me. At first I offered her support ( again) but this time I was

calm. I tried to help her but firmly stick to my limit. She pushed as far as she

can go. What was somehow good because she did so many nasty things that it

socked me but I easier realized what was really going on and stepped out

completely without feeling so guilty.

She accused me a lot of things - I didn't care. She played a victim roles - I

didn't care. She even fake suicide attempt - I just called an ambulance and told

her 10000x time that that is her life, her decidions and her consequences. That

I'm not responisble for her and I can not help her the way she wanted me to even

if I wanted to. That she has to take her life into her hands because nobody else

won't do it insted of her.

When she found out that I really meant it she somehow calm down and lost her

interes in me. She probably found some new victim but she looks and behaves more

healthy and at peace. She is ok with that that I called her only once a week

(at the same day) and she usually end our conversation after few minutes.She

probably just has to have a feeling that she is not alone ( I'm the only left in

family) but she doesn't know really what to do with me if I don't behave the way

she wanted me to.And she never likes me anyway. So she only calls me if I'm late

than usual or if I forget. ( before it was 7-8 times at day at the most

unproppriate times...)

And what is important to - I don't feel responsible or guilty anymore. I'm at

peace more that I can remember in my life.

Hope this will help you somehow.

Yenaine

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > My grandnada passed away yesterday at the age of 87. She was old, sick in

> > kidney failure and congestive heart failure. She was staying at my nada's

> > house (her way of controlling the situation) and died in hospice care.

> >

> > Throughout my nada's stay in the hospital, I have received numerous phone

> > calls from cousins and family members that my nada's behavior has become

> > increasingly irrational. She feels like my cousins are 'setting her up' and

> > getting involved in my grandma's affairs when my nada felt it was " none of

> > their business " . I even had a cousin call me to tell me " I see your mom in a

> > whole different light now. She hides her craziness very well. " YEP!! No

> > shit!!!

> >

> > I am afriad that I will succumb to the FOG. I am afraid that now that my

> > grandnada is gone, my nada is now lost because she has no one to control and

> > is going to come at me full force. I do not want to restablish my

> > relationship with her (which my therapist thinks is the best thing for me),

> > but Im afraid of the next Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc....

> >

> > How do you guys stand your ground? Any tips?

> >

> > AJ

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, AJ!

You said, " Im afraid of the next Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc.... "

Funny, it's September and I am already planning the Holiday Excuse List, and

just had this conversation with my husband the other night. My situation is bit

like yours - I am the only adult child or family member left for my Nada - but

a bit different in that she is in assisted living since last spring. So on the

one hand, she's mostly out of my hair except for dealing with her paperwork

(insurance and bills), but on the other hand there's going to be a full

onslaught of " poor Nada left in the Home over the Holidays " this fall and

winter. Since this is the first holiday season in this new scenario, I have to

establish my pattern NOW - because if I don't have a plan in place, Nada will

make a preemptive strike (yes, I do think about her like that) - any day now.

So - the plan at our house is that we are going to be traveling for each and

every holiday. We may only go an hour out of town and stay in the woods (Nada

doesn't do woods), but we will not be home hosting " family holiday gatherings "

at all. Ever. I will have to go see her the weekend before, I guess, but I'll

just make that my routine trip to take her supplies (it's down to about once a

month now, hallelujah) I'm in, I drop the supplies, I'm out as soon as she

makes the first dig at me. " Okay, then, Bye. " And the beauty part is that she

can't drive, so if our travel plans change " unexpectedly, " why, she'll never

know - as long as we monitor Caller ID.

Yep. I'm gonna lie like a hound dog in July to my aged mother so I don't have

to spend the holidays with her. I figure they're MY holidays, too (and my

son's, and my husband's) so anybody who wants to pass judgment can jolly well

take her to THEIR house. I already spend hours of my time and most of my

discretionary income keeping her housed, fed, and medicated. I'll be damned if

she'll crap on my Christmas, ever again.

>