Spin master and mutual loved ones

August 29, 2011

krcanada85, I have found it next to impossible to have mutual loved ones with my

BP mother or my BP ex BP wife, not because I am concerned for them, but because

they seem to be overly concern about me. It is a personal belief of mine that

it is extremely difficult to have mutual loved ones with a BP family member

after healthy boundaries have been put into place and reinforced.

I have worked with BPs in mental health settings and have a BP mother, ex-wife,

step-mother, and my late-brother was BP also. I have noticed that BPs are

naturally very vicarious. They project their beliefs and attitudes into others

and then send them your way. They also project into you their personal feelings

and let you play the part of their emotion. Then, since they secretly despise

themselves and their emotions, they punish you for having the emotion that they

projected into you in the first place. They are experts at baiting people

(Manipulation).

One thing I can promise you is that you cannot out-spin the spin master. You

cannot educate every mutual friend you share with your BP mother, because as

soon as the spin master gets them back, they will get re-spun. Yes, people are

going to have inaccurate beliefs about you and your mom. You can't control

that. Even His Holiness the Dali Lama became manipulated by the Chinese

government and now lives in exile. Your task is to worry about you and you can

best do that by letting other people worry about them selves. This does not

come naturally to those of us that have been raised by BP parents. I applaud

you for considering therapy. It took me a long time in therapy to stop

obsessing over what other people where doing and thinking and feeling.

I think the only way to have mutual loved ones with a BP family member is to

pretend you don't know anything. Here is a script I follow with my few mutual

loved ones: Act like you don't have a clue about anything. For instance, when

someone asks you why you hate your mom so much (the spin master at work), act

surprised, " what? Why do you think I hate my mom? " The important thing is to

NOT give them any information. When they say, you mom said... Again act

surprised, " that is weird. " Then use an whimsical " whatever " expression on your

face, then totally drop the subject, and quickly move on. This take less than a

minute and it works 95% of the time.

The other 5% of the time you will have someone that has been spun without mercy

and they are very upset. Just stick with the script, its all you can do. If

they can't let it go, let them go. They have been assimilated by the

spin-master and there is nothing you can do for them.

>

> I've had some thoughts resurface over the last week about nada. I was doing

really well (see my last post) for a while there, but this has been an unusual

week.

>

> I ran into two different " mutual friends " at festivals this weekend who asked

how my mother was doing. This is a normal question since they were her students

or associates first, then my acquaintances second. I said calmly (I think)to

both: " I'm not sure, I haven't talked to her in a while. But I assume she's

good. How are you? "

>

> One was satisfied with that answer. One was painful to say that to. It was the

second one that I felt my eyes or face betrayed my hesitation and pain. The

second friend, Olga is her name, thinks very highly of nada and I have mixed

emotions about that. I mean, Olga feels that nada helped her in a spiritual way,

which I cannot deny. I just feel sad because while the advice she gave may be

good, my nada is NOT fit to be giving advice to anyone, about anything. I don't

think she knows or will ever accept that nada is quite severely mentally ill.

It's a shame because I like and respect Olga. I don't want to " burst her

bubble " , but it concerns me that she might reach out to nada and get hurt by

her. It bothers me intensely that I can't " save " her or even just express the

truth. It's a very complicated situation because these people are very well

known in my city and in my direct social circles these days. I don't want to

upset anyone - it would be for nothing. Anyway, it just makes me uneasy.

>

> I have a good handle on my life in general, but I keep getting this feeling

that I need to talk to a therapist. I am getting emotionally over-wrought and

today's a day where I just want to go to bed.

>

> Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble. I really am okay with not talking to

nada. It just kills me that she still causes my life to be strained in social

situations with people who used to know her. I hate that I can't just leave her

behind. Far, far behind.

>

August 29, 2011

I think this is excellent advice. I agree 100%. Those with pds do tend to do a

lot of projecting and blaming, those are part of their " basic package " of

dysfunctional behaviors.

We can't control how other people view us, and we can't control the

" spin-master. " I really like the responses: " Really?! What makes you think

that? " and " Whatever. "

Thumb's up from me.

-Annie

> >

> > I've had some thoughts resurface over the last week about nada. I was doing

really well (see my last post) for a while there, but this has been an unusual

week.

> >

> > I ran into two different " mutual friends " at festivals this weekend who

asked how my mother was doing. This is a normal question since they were her

students or associates first, then my acquaintances second. I said calmly (I

think)to both: " I'm not sure, I haven't talked to her in a while. But I assume

she's good. How are you? "

> >

> > One was satisfied with that answer. One was painful to say that to. It was

the second one that I felt my eyes or face betrayed my hesitation and pain. The