Does any one have advice about...

[Guest guest]

Does anybody have handy techniques they can share with me about how to shake off

the feeling of having been pooped on when you receive communication from the

'high-functioning mom with BPD who doesn't know it/own it (who, by the way, is a

high school guidance counselor) that tells you are responsible for everything,

that the problem is you don't understand her feelings, and then asks for your

pity (that you know isn't what she wants)? After a lifetime of having devoted

yourself to understanding and acting as her mirror? (Granted, I've given that

role up - hence, problems are now surfacing fast, and I think I'm in danger of

the bends...)

Intellectually, I know it isn't my problem. Emotionally, I get it, too - but the

guilt is long standing and a hard habit to break- and I want so badly to defend

myself- and yet know that isn't useful because she can't hear me anyway - so I

don't...and then I go back to the books, and use the outlined communication

techniques...but I still feel bad for not being able to 'fix' things for her.

She's miles away, and only communicating via letter - but I still feel the

weight and sadness of her pain in a way disruptive to my day.

Does anybody have a mental trick that works for you like an umbrella of sorts

when the poo starts to fall? I'd love to give it a try...

[Guest guest]

No tricks here. Perfect description of what I'm going through too. If you

discover something good, bottle it and sell it. You'll be a millionaire!

AnnieL

>

> Does anybody have handy techniques they can share with me about how to shake

off the feeling of having been pooped on when you receive communication from the

'high-functioning mom with BPD who doesn't know it/own it (who, by the way, is a

high school guidance counselor) that tells you are responsible for everything,

that the problem is you don't understand her feelings, and then asks for your

pity (that you know isn't what she wants)? After a lifetime of having devoted

yourself to understanding and acting as her mirror? (Granted, I've given that

role up - hence, problems are now surfacing fast, and I think I'm in danger of

the bends...)

>

> Intellectually, I know it isn't my problem. Emotionally, I get it, too - but

the guilt is long standing and a hard habit to break- and I want so badly to

defend myself- and yet know that isn't useful because she can't hear me anyway -

so I don't...and then I go back to the books, and use the outlined communication

techniques...but I still feel bad for not being able to 'fix' things for her.

She's miles away, and only communicating via letter - but I still feel the

weight and sadness of her pain in a way disruptive to my day.

>

> Does anybody have a mental trick that works for you like an umbrella of sorts

when the poo starts to fall? I'd love to give it a try...

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I've learned that my mother with BPD, who loves me, often " says a lot of

stupid things that she doesn't mean. " One time, she even admitted this. I back

way from her when this happens, laugh about it with my husband, and leave her

alone for a while. This is after many years of pain on my end.

> >

> > Does anybody have handy techniques they can share with me about how to shake

off the feeling of having been pooped on when you receive communication from the

'high-functioning mom with BPD who doesn't know it/own it (who, by the way, is a

high school guidance counselor) that tells you are responsible for everything,

that the problem is you don't understand her feelings, and then asks for your

pity (that you know isn't what she wants)? After a lifetime of having devoted

yourself to understanding and acting as her mirror? (Granted, I've given that

role up - hence, problems are now surfacing fast, and I think I'm in danger of

the bends...)

> >

> > Intellectually, I know it isn't my problem. Emotionally, I get it, too - but

the guilt is long standing and a hard habit to break- and I want so badly to

defend myself- and yet know that isn't useful because she can't hear me anyway -

so I don't...and then I go back to the books, and use the outlined communication

techniques...but I still feel bad for not being able to 'fix' things for her.

She's miles away, and only communicating via letter - but I still feel the

weight and sadness of her pain in a way disruptive to my day.

> >

> > Does anybody have a mental trick that works for you like an umbrella of

sorts when the poo starts to fall? I'd love to give it a try...

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sadly, I did the same for years, and she used to use the line you mom uses.

She also loves me somewhere beneath the bile, tho' at the moment is actively

withholding that information. (Our last conversation ended with me telling her I

loved her very much, and her snarling incredulously " Do you? " ) Thanks for the

idea, tho'.

She seems to be going through a major crack-up at the moment (that I believe is

sparked by her recent engagement, and insecurity she feels because she hasn't

attended to major problems in the relationship) - that, coupled with my refusal

to be a doormat, seems to be throwing her reality askew.

Luckily, I think I stumbled into something of a solution myself, after asking

this morning- which was to try to accept my own feelings and let them pass on

through...and to repeat a quote from Terry Pratchett's " The Wee Free Men " as

'grounding me in my grown-up self mantra':

" Nae Quin, Nae King, Nae Laird, Nae Master. We willna be fooled again! "

If anyone has other ideas, I'd love to hear them.

> > >

> > > Does anybody have handy techniques they can share with me about how to

shake off the feeling of having been pooped on when you receive communication

from the 'high-functioning mom with BPD who doesn't know it/own it (who, by the

way, is a high school guidance counselor) that tells you are responsible for

everything, that the problem is you don't understand her feelings, and then asks

for your pity (that you know isn't what she wants)? After a lifetime of having

devoted yourself to understanding and acting as her mirror? (Granted, I've given

that role up - hence, problems are now surfacing fast, and I think I'm in danger

of the bends...)

> > >

> > > Intellectually, I know it isn't my problem. Emotionally, I get it, too -

but the guilt is long standing and a hard habit to break- and I want so badly to

defend myself- and yet know that isn't useful because she can't hear me anyway -

so I don't...and then I go back to the books, and use the outlined communication

techniques...but I still feel bad for not being able to 'fix' things for her.

She's miles away, and only communicating via letter - but I still feel the

weight and sadness of her pain in a way disruptive to my day.

> > >

> > > Does anybody have a mental trick that works for you like an umbrella of

sorts when the poo starts to fall? I'd love to give it a try...

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You put this so concisely. This is what I do also.

> > >

> > > Does anybody have handy techniques they can share with me about how to

shake off the feeling of having been pooped on when you receive communication

from the 'high-functioning mom with BPD who doesn't know it/own it (who, by the

way, is a high school guidance counselor) that tells you are responsible for

everything, that the problem is you don't understand her feelings, and then asks

for your pity (that you know isn't what she wants)? After a lifetime of having

devoted yourself to understanding and acting as her mirror? (Granted, I've given

that role up - hence, problems are now surfacing fast, and I think I'm in danger

of the bends...)

> > >

> > > Intellectually, I know it isn't my problem. Emotionally, I get it, too -

but the guilt is long standing and a hard habit to break- and I want so badly to

defend myself- and yet know that isn't useful because she can't hear me anyway -

so I don't...and then I go back to the books, and use the outlined communication

techniques...but I still feel bad for not being able to 'fix' things for her.

She's miles away, and only communicating via letter - but I still feel the

weight and sadness of her pain in a way disruptive to my day.

> > >

> > > Does anybody have a mental trick that works for you like an umbrella of

sorts when the poo starts to fall? I'd love to give it a try...

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I wish that had been the case with my own nada. She was unpredictable.

Sometimes when she'd blow up at us and scream ugly things at us, she'd apologize

afterward, so there was at least the appearance of remorse, at least at that

point in time. I forgave her and comforted her many times throughout my life,

Sister and I both, starting when we were very little.

Other times, though, when she'd say something really gut-punching (she knows

just exactly where our most tender and vulnerable spots are, or used to before

Alzheimers) and Sister or I would ask her if she really meant to say that, and

she'd get that shark-like look on her face and say " I sure did " and she'd repeat

it. That's the nada who is the monster in the wall, the inhuman robot-thing in

my childhood nightmares who wanted to hurt me. I'm afraid of that nada and I

actually hate her as much as I fear her.

At this point in time, the only way I can deal with this is No Contact. But,

I'd like to get to a point where I can laugh it off. Or at least, attain a

detached neutrality.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > Does anybody have handy techniques they can share with me about how to

shake off the feeling of having been pooped on when you receive communication

from the 'high-functioning mom with BPD who doesn't know it/own it (who, by the

way, is a high school guidance counselor) that tells you are responsible for

everything, that the problem is you don't understand her feelings, and then asks

for your pity (that you know isn't what she wants)? After a lifetime of having

devoted yourself to understanding and acting as her mirror? (Granted, I've given

that role up - hence, problems are now surfacing fast, and I think I'm in danger

of the bends...)

> > > >

> > > > Intellectually, I know it isn't my problem. Emotionally, I get it, too -

but the guilt is long standing and a hard habit to break- and I want so badly to

defend myself- and yet know that isn't useful because she can't hear me anyway -

so I don't...and then I go back to the books, and use the outlined communication

techniques...but I still feel bad for not being able to 'fix' things for her.

She's miles away, and only communicating via letter - but I still feel the

weight and sadness of her pain in a way disruptive to my day.

> > > >

> > > > Does anybody have a mental trick that works for you like an umbrella of

sorts when the poo starts to fall? I'd love to give it a try...

> > > >

> > >

> >

>