limited contact crash

[Guest guest]

It has been 1 week of LC and it was a great week. It felt like I had won the

emotional lottery. I was happier than I had been in months. I know now that

this strategy is probably the best for me. But, this soon came to a crashing

halt. I had to have contact with nada just for general life stuff and she was so

nice and polite. It was like talking to a stranger. After I left this feeling of

doom & dread came over me. Along with a splitting headache. I was paralyzed with

anxiety knowing this was the calm before the storm. The anticipation of dealing

with the jealous queen/waif was just eating at me. How does a KO even out the

highs and lows created by dealing with your Nada. Maybe I was just not ready for

the extreme emotional change from her and got caught off guard. It just pisses

me off to have to live on guard. It is taxing and there is no way to make it

stop other than going total NC and that in my situation is not possible. I am

her only child and she has no one in her life. My grandparents have passed and

she lives 5 miles from me. She has wiggled her way into be involved with my

hobby. She has to do everything I do. Even to the point of looking the same way,

using the same hair products/cosmetics/ stylist/ nail tech, you name it. I show

horses and now she has decided she wants to also, YEH!-not so much. Bad thing is

she has the means and knowledge to be involved in the horse show world. She

would just prefer I do all of the work for her so she can just show up and look

good and of course act as a Queen and when she is not treated that way she

turns into a Waif and is jealous of everyone I talk to.

It is not easy having a mother who acts like a jealous, envious sister. Seems

the older I get the worse it is. The week of LC was great but it was hard.

Having to make sure you didn't answer the phone, turn off my cell phone and at

times just plain hide out at a not local restaurant with my husband. If she

knows where we are she shows up most of the time or is pissed because she

wasn't' invited.

In her mind I am responsible every emotion she has. I'm sure there is a name for

that. That dependency has worn me the **** out. I am 45 and I feel like I'm 70.

I was always a person in great shape and active. Now, I gained 45 lbs, I am

riddled with anxiety on and off and if I start taking care of my self to lose

weight and get healthier she gets all weird toward me and starts asking me to

go have wine with her and eat very unhealthy things. She has on numerous

occasions expressed to mutual family friends that my gaining weight thrills her.

Misery loves company I guess and that is not the company I want to keep. Is she

trying to turn me into a BPD to make herself feel so not alone??? (she was thin

when she was younger but is know 100 lbs. over weight). All I want now is for it

to stop all together and I have no idea how to make that happen without going

total NC.

HELP BEFORE SHE DRIVES ME CRAZY?!?!?!

[Guest guest]

I felt the same whenever I went back into contact. She put on a really good show

of normalcy. Then it sets in. Dread, fear, guilt. SO MUCH GUILT. The " what if I

was wrong and I'm a bad person? What if I'm crazy and not her? Am I making this

up? " thoughts poke their way in.

I'm in complete NC with my nada, but I expect that she will show up at random

things she know I will be attending. She's done it once in the last year, so

it's better than I thought. Surround yourself with supportive people and

seriously consider whether you can completely go NC.

Maybe tell her that you'd really like to do horse showing as your " me time " or

" your " hobby. Did you try that? Sometimes I could play up on my nada's

narcissism and let her believe it's her idea. Then she thinks she is a good

parent and letting me be my own person or whatever.

Well, we're here for you.

K

>

> It has been 1 week of LC and it was a great week. It felt like I had won the

emotional lottery. I was happier than I had been in months. I know now that

this strategy is probably the best for me. But, this soon came to a crashing

halt. I had to have contact with nada just for general life stuff and she was so

nice and polite. It was like talking to a stranger. After I left this feeling of

doom & dread came over me. Along with a splitting headache. I was paralyzed with

anxiety knowing this was the calm before the storm. The anticipation of dealing

with the jealous queen/waif was just eating at me. How does a KO even out the

highs and lows created by dealing with your Nada. Maybe I was just not ready for

the extreme emotional change from her and got caught off guard. It just pisses

me off to have to live on guard. It is taxing and there is no way to make it

stop other than going total NC and that in my situation is not possible. I am

her only child and she has no one in her life. My grandparents have passed and

she lives 5 miles from me. She has wiggled her way into be involved with my

hobby. She has to do everything I do. Even to the point of looking the same way,

using the same hair products/cosmetics/ stylist/ nail tech, you name it. I show

horses and now she has decided she wants to also, YEH!-not so much. Bad thing is

she has the means and knowledge to be involved in the horse show world. She

would just prefer I do all of the work for her so she can just show up and look

good and of course act as a Queen and when she is not treated that way she

turns into a Waif and is jealous of everyone I talk to.

>

> It is not easy having a mother who acts like a jealous, envious sister. Seems

the older I get the worse it is. The week of LC was great but it was hard.

Having to make sure you didn't answer the phone, turn off my cell phone and at

times just plain hide out at a not local restaurant with my husband. If she

knows where we are she shows up most of the time or is pissed because she

wasn't' invited.

>

> In her mind I am responsible every emotion she has. I'm sure there is a name

for that. That dependency has worn me the **** out. I am 45 and I feel like I'm

70. I was always a person in great shape and active. Now, I gained 45 lbs, I am

riddled with anxiety on and off and if I start taking care of my self to lose

weight and get healthier she gets all weird toward me and starts asking me to

go have wine with her and eat very unhealthy things. She has on numerous

occasions expressed to mutual family friends that my gaining weight thrills her.

Misery loves company I guess and that is not the company I want to keep. Is she

trying to turn me into a BPD to make herself feel so not alone??? (she was thin

when she was younger but is know 100 lbs. over weight). All I want now is for it

to stop all together and I have no idea how to make that happen without going

total NC.

>

> HELP BEFORE SHE DRIVES ME CRAZY?!?!?!

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks, I like the " me time " idea. I guess I am so used to having her involve

herself in everything I do I just got used to it and it always felt I had no

choice but I do. I needed to be reminded of that. I have suggested in the past

that she go to other trainers for help so we would get along better and she

says she will but always comes to me with her Waif suit on. I guess because

that is what is easy for her. She would have to act normal with anyone else.

It's tough she is jealous of all my horse show friends and contacts. Especially

if I engage with them if she is around. Hell, she gets jealous even if she is

not there, hence the weird phone messages. She just plain makes my brain hurt

lol! Sometimes I have to laugh at this because if I don't I think I would be the

one in a straight jacket banging my head against a wall. The ANTS (auto neg.

thoughts) just get to you after a while, but what do to give yourself a break

from them. I have tried the usual stuff and all of those things work for a

while. I just wish she would find a man/woman/anything/anyone and go away and

give me some peace in my life. As long as she is alive I'm not sure I will ever

have any.

nal Message -----

To:

WTOAdultChildren1 <mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Tuesday, August 30, 2011 1:23 PM

Subject: Re: limited contact crash

I felt the same whenever I went back into contact. She put on a really good

show of normalcy. Then it sets in. Dread, fear, guilt. SO MUCH GUILT. The " what

if I was wrong and I'm a bad person? What if I'm crazy and not her? Am I making

this up? " thoughts poke their way in.

I'm in complete NC with my nada, but I expect that she will show up at random

things she know I will be attending. She's done it once in the last year, so

it's better than I thought. Surround yourself with supportive people and

seriously consider whether you can completely go NC.

Maybe tell her that you'd really like to do horse showing as your " me time " or

" your " hobby. Did you try that? Sometimes I could play up on my nada's

narcissism and let her believe it's her idea. Then she thinks she is a good

parent and letting me be my own person or whatever.

Well, we're here for you.

K

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com<http://www.bpdcentral.com/>.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe <mailto:WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscri\

be >.

Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

Its possible that your mother has narcissistic pd traits and views you as a

rival/competitor for the attention of others, that she craves for herself.

Or, maybe she has very weak boundaries and views you as a younger version of her

own self, or as her caretaker/parent, or as a valuable possession of hers that

she owns, and so she is jealous when you " steal yourself " from her and go have

fun that does not include her.

Or, it could be something else; I'm just speculating on various things that can

cause jealousy and obsessiveness.

Its going to be difficult to extricate yourself from the kind of enmeshment and

obsessiveness your mother has concerning you. I think you are right and any

other source of human interaction would be great for her, but she is seemingly

not very open to it.

My suggestion is that the less available you are to her, the more likely she

will be to actively seek other adults her own age to play with.

This was what was happening with my Sister and our bpd/npd mother. No matter

how much of her free time Sister gave our mother (I use the term " nada " here),

nada was never satisfied. Never having any free time to spend on her own as she

wished was making my Sister become depressed, plus rarely getting any thank

you's or pleasant interaction with our nada.

So, yes, you deserve to have your own free time without your mother. How you

will manage that when you live near each other and have the same interests is

going to pose a problem. Showing horses is a more complex issue than, say,

just changing gyms or grocery stores.

-Annie

>

> Thanks, I like the " me time " idea. I guess I am so used to having her involve

herself in everything I do I just got used to it and it always felt I had no

choice but I do. I needed to be reminded of that. I have suggested in the past

that she go to other trainers for help so we would get along better and she

says she will but always comes to me with her Waif suit on. I guess because

that is what is easy for her. She would have to act normal with anyone else.

It's tough she is jealous of all my horse show friends and contacts. Especially

if I engage with them if she is around. Hell, she gets jealous even if she is

not there, hence the weird phone messages. She just plain makes my brain hurt

lol! Sometimes I have to laugh at this because if I don't I think I would be the

one in a straight jacket banging my head against a wall. The ANTS (auto neg.

thoughts) just get to you after a while, but what do to give yourself a break

from them. I have tried the usual stuff and all of those things work for a

while. I just wish she would find a man/woman/anything/anyone and go away and

give me some peace in my life. As long as she is alive I'm not sure I will ever

have any.

> nal Message -----

>

> To:

WTOAdultChildren1 <mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 >

> Sent: Tuesday, August 30, 2011 1:23 PM

> Subject: Re: limited contact crash

>

>

> I felt the same whenever I went back into contact. She put on a really good

show of normalcy. Then it sets in. Dread, fear, guilt. SO MUCH GUILT. The " what

if I was wrong and I'm a bad person? What if I'm crazy and not her? Am I making

this up? " thoughts poke their way in.

>

> I'm in complete NC with my nada, but I expect that she will show up at

random things she know I will be attending. She's done it once in the last year,

so it's better than I thought. Surround yourself with supportive people and

seriously consider whether you can completely go NC.

>

> Maybe tell her that you'd really like to do horse showing as your " me time "

or " your " hobby. Did you try that? Sometimes I could play up on my nada's

narcissism and let her believe it's her idea. Then she thinks she is a good

parent and letting me be my own person or whatever.

>

> Well, we're here for you.

>

> K

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The

Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to

Stop Walking on Eggshells, available at

www.BPDCentral.com<http://www.bpdcentral.com/>.** Problems? Write

@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

>

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe <mailto:WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscri\

be >.

>

> Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)