Re: advice on son spanked by relative

August 31, 2011

Dear all,

I'm writing you to get some advice on a situation that happened yesterday at my

Mom in Law's house.

My husband's brother in law spanked my 5 year old son (once on the bottom) and

proceeded to tell him to go to the corner of the room and sit " alone " . When my

son did not do as told he took him by the arms and sat him on a chair and told

him to sit still on that chair on his own. Within 5 minutes we left the house to

go back home.

What sparked that confrontation was that my son was deflating some balls and my

father in law uses them for exercise and so my husband's brother in law

responded to that situation. Before that, my son had thrown one of those balls

at my husband's brother in law's daughter (my husband's niece) and she cried, so

maybe the anger came from that situation.

During that lunch gathering there was my Mom in law, father in law, my husband,

his sister and her husband (and husband's Mom), and myself and our kids. No one

stepped in to say anything at the time. I think we were all too shocked to act.

When we got home my husband said that his sister apologized for her husband's

behavior. We spoke about it and both agreed that his behavior was way out of

line. We agreed that it is the parents' responsibility to discipline their own

children and no one is allowed to lift a finger or even scream at or discipline

in any other way our children. If someone has a problem, they come to us, and

we handle it. To bypass our authority and do something outrageous like that

overstepped our boundaries.

Needless to say, the husband didn't call to apologize or even acknowledge his

mistake.

Today we went over to my Mom in laws and she says to us that after we left her

daughter had a fight with her husband over this and that he admitted he was

wrong but that he was angry that my son threw the ball at his daughter. I

explained to her that he had no right to do that and that he should have told us

his grievance and we handle it. To take discipline into his own hands is way

out of line. I told her I expected that he would apologize to my son.

What should I do? Should I call him or my sister in law,or suggest to my husband

to speak with him? Or should we wait for him to call? Any suggestions?

I don't think I will let the incident go because I want my child to grow up not

allowing people to spank him or discipline him and for him to think this is

normal action. I think I would settle for an apology from him to my son. Any

thoughts?

N

> I'm reading Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley. If you don't like science, a lot

> of the book might be boring to you. But for those of us that have been

> trying to comprehend our low functioning nada/fada's genetics or high

> functioning nada's ability to hide her disorder while in polite company -

> yeah - it offers explanations for all of that.

>

> I LOVE it, one of the best books I have ever read! Thanks to whoever on here

> recommended it. I'm sorry I forgot who it was.

>

August 31, 2011

Confront the bro-in-law directly. Hearing how u feel from others is just

going to anger him further. He needs to hear how u and your husband feel

about his behavior and regardless of how bro-in-law feels, you have set

boundaries w/him once and for all.

In a message dated 8/31/2011 10:27:15 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

n@... writes:

Dear all,

I'm writing you to get some advice on a situation that happened yesterday

at my Mom in Law's house.

My husband's brother in law spanked my 5 year old son (once on the bottom)

and proceeded to tell him to go to the corner of the room and sit " alone " .

When my son did not do as told he took him by the arms and sat him on a

chair and told him to sit still on that chair on his own. Within 5 minutes we

left the house to go back home.

What sparked that confrontation was that my son was deflating some balls

and my father in law uses them for exercise and so my husband's brother in

law responded to that situation. Before that, my son had thrown one of

those balls at my husband's brother in law's daughter (my husband's niece) and

she cried, so maybe the anger came from that situation.

During that lunch gathering there was my Mom in law, father in law, my

husband, his sister and her husband (and husband's Mom), and myself and our

kids. No one stepped in to say anything at the time. I think we were all

too shocked to act.

When we got home my husband said that his sister apologized for her

husband's behavior. We spoke about it and both agreed that his behavior was way

out of line. We agreed that it is the parents' responsibility to discipline

their own children and no one is allowed to lift a finger or even scream

at or discipline in any other way our children. If someone has a problem,

they come to us, and we handle it. To bypass our authority and do something

outrageous like that overstepped our boundaries.

Needless to say, the husband didn't call to apologize or even acknowledge

his mistake.

Today we went over to my Mom in laws and she says to us that after we left

her daughter had a fight with her husband over this and that he admitted

he was wrong but that he was angry that my son threw the ball at his

daughter. I explained to her that he had no right to do that and that he

should

have told us his grievance and we handle it. To take discipline into his

own hands is way out of line. I told her I expected that he would apologize

to my son.

What should I do? Should I call him or my sister in law,or suggest to my

husband to speak with him? Or should we wait for him to call? Any

suggestions?

I don't think I will let the incident go because I want my child to grow

up not allowing people to spank him or discipline him and for him to think

this is normal action. I think I would settle for an apology from him to my

son. Any thoughts?

N

> I'm reading Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley. If you don't like science, a

lot

> of the book might be boring to you. But for those of us that have been

> trying to comprehend our low functioning nada/fada's genetics or high

> functioning nada's ability to hide her disorder while in polite company -

> yeah - it offers explanations for all of that.

>

> I LOVE it, one of the best books I have ever read! Thanks to whoever on

here

> recommended it. I'm sorry I forgot who it was.

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

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August 31, 2011

Does this brother in law of yours have bpd, do you think? Is he generally

emotionally labile and easily irritated? If so, approach with caution. A

reasonable, rational, mentally healthy adult will make a mistake, own up to it,

apologize, and make an effort to work out a solution/compensation with the

person he offended.

An adult who loses it enough to actually get angry at a five year old (even a

five year old who was behaving badly), then refuses to apologize right away may

possibly have a pd, or pd traits.

Maybe this would be a good learning opportunity for all parties involved. If

your 5 year old hasn't done so already, he could apologize for hitting the

smaller child with the ball and for deflating a " toy " that didn't belong to him.

At the same time, your brother in law could apologize to you and your husband

for having overstepped his authority and disciplined your child without your

permission, and he could apologize to your son for having gotten angry at him

and punished him instead of bringing it up with you, his parents.

And my suggestion (which is only my amateur take on this) is that it sounds to

me like your little boy is very active and curious (typical five year old) and

probably becomes easily bored indoors and then gets into trouble. Perhaps at

grown-up-centered events, he could play outdoors in a safe area where you can

watch him, so he can run off some of his excess energy until its dinnertime.

And if he's very rambunctious then more close-up supervision may be needed when

he's around smaller/younger children. I am the auntie of someone who was once

a rambunctious 5 year old boy who, when he wasn't asleep or eating, wanted to

RUN and PLAY HARD, so, I have a little experience with that. It was exhausting,

but fun!

-Annie

>

> > I'm reading Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley. If you don't like science, a lot

> > of the book might be boring to you. But for those of us that have been

> > trying to comprehend our low functioning nada/fada's genetics or high

> > functioning nada's ability to hide her disorder while in polite company -

> > yeah - it offers explanations for all of that.

> >

> > I LOVE it, one of the best books I have ever read! Thanks to whoever on here

> > recommended it. I'm sorry I forgot who it was.

> >

August 31, 2011

It wasn't so long ago that this type of family involvement was perfectly

acceptable. I remember being spanked and disciplined by several family member,

without the permission of my parents, and this was fine with everyone. This was

the norm for families until very recently. I do not condone what happened, but

I can understand how people that come from very different times might make a

mistake and do the only thing they where shown.

First I would call law enforcement and find out the current laws about family

and friends hitting and disciplining other peoples kids. Laws are starting to

outlaw such things. It should be illegal and it could very well be illegal in

your area. I called my police department and they said the laws in this area

gives full disciplinary rights to anyone a parent willingly leaves their child

with. Here it is ONLY legal to hit a child with an open hand on the butt and

only if you have legal custody of the child, with or without the permission of

the parent.

You don't want to press charges, but it is wise to know the law in your area.

Then absolutely confront the relative, but I would do it in a compassionate

manner. This is a cultural issue and this family member probably had no

intention of violating anyone's boundaries or hurting the child. He likely just

made a mistake. He needs you to contact him as soon as possible, because he

likely needs to talk about it as badly as you do.

>

> > I'm reading Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley. If you don't like science, a lot

> > of the book might be boring to you. But for those of us that have been

> > trying to comprehend our low functioning nada/fada's genetics or high

> > functioning nada's ability to hide her disorder while in polite company -

> > yeah - it offers explanations for all of that.

> >

> > I LOVE it, one of the best books I have ever read! Thanks to whoever on here

> > recommended it. I'm sorry I forgot who it was.

> >

August 31, 2011

Dear Annie,

I suspect my brother in law has a pd. I'm not sure what - maybe obsessive

compulsive. His mother and father are divorced and come from different

countries. His mother and wife do not get along. Him and his wife are

constantly fighting as well. They have one daughter who is 4 and a half and

they sent her off to school when she was only 1 year old! They treat her like an

adult, are very harsh and strict with her. They believe in the " naughty chair "

and when I carry my baby (4 months old) around he says: " oh you're carrying her

way too much, she'll get used to it. When she was a baby, they let their only

daughter cry herself to sleep, they would leave her in the crib and leave the

room and she would scream and scream. On the face of it, he seems very helpful

to all of us, but there are very strange traits about him. For one, he is

ALWAYS late, and so is his mother, not normal late, but like HOURS late for any

event. He has been out of a job for about 3 years now as well. He is TOO

meticulous, beyond perfectionism and believes that if you want something done

properly, you should do it yourself, otherwise it's not going to be done right.

Him and his Mom fret about the smallest things .You get the picture. Actually

his mother complained to me about him about a month ago, that he never tells her

anything anymore, that he used to be her " best friend " and now he's distant.

She pretty much runs his life. Now he and his wife live in his dad's house,

they don't have a place of their own anymore. And his wife, which is my sister

in law, is a boisterous person who is always moody and bad tempered.

What can I say? Sister in law and her husband believe in certain child raising

ways (too strict in my view) and he overstepped the line when he hit and shook

my child. I definitely agree with confrontation, however do you think we could

do it on the phone or face to face? Since that incident I can't sleep well, I

need to get it off my chest I feel and move on. I remember the toxic parents

book always said confrontation is the best way to go, and I agree.

Any thoughts?

N

> Does this brother in law of yours have bpd, do you think? Is he generally

emotionally labile and easily irritated? If so, approach with caution. A

reasonable, rational, mentally healthy adult will make a mistake, own up to it,

apologize, and make an effort to work out a solution/compensation with the

person he offended.

>

> An adult who loses it enough to actually get angry at a five year old (even a

five year old who was behaving badly), then refuses to apologize right away may

possibly have a pd, or pd traits.

>

> Maybe this would be a good learning opportunity for all parties involved. If

your 5 year old hasn't done so already, he could apologize for hitting the

smaller child with the ball and for deflating a " toy " that didn't belong to him.

At the same time, your brother in law could apologize to you and your husband

for having overstepped his authority and disciplined your child without your

permission, and he could apologize to your son for having gotten angry at him

and punished him instead of bringing it up with you, his parents.

>

> And my suggestion (which is only my amateur take on this) is that it sounds to

me like your little boy is very active and curious (typical five year old) and

probably becomes easily bored indoors and then gets into trouble. Perhaps at

grown-up-centered events, he could play outdoors in a safe area where you can

watch him, so he can run off some of his excess energy until its dinnertime. And

if he's very rambunctious then more close-up supervision may be needed when he's

around smaller/younger children. I am the auntie of someone who was once a

rambunctious 5 year old boy who, when he wasn't asleep or eating, wanted to RUN

and PLAY HARD, so, I have a little experience with that. It was exhausting, but

fun!

>

> -Annie

>

> >

> > > I'm reading Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley. If you don't like science, a lot

> > > of the book might be boring to you. But for those of us that have been

> > > trying to comprehend our low functioning nada/fada's genetics or high

> > > functioning nada's ability to hide her disorder while in polite company -

> > > yeah - it offers explanations for all of that.

> > >

> > > I LOVE it, one of the best books I have ever read! Thanks to whoever on

here

> > > recommended it. I'm sorry I forgot who it was.

> > >

August 31, 2011

In our society this type of family involvement is accepted even today.

Regardless of that fact I believe that he overstepped his boundary. It seems he

feels the need to step in and do our job. My husband and I were right in front

of him when he did that. we weren't even in another room!

In our society a lot of the abuse of kids comes from within families. I think

one needs to draw the line so that kids know that it is not acceptable for

adults to behave wrongly - this will give them strength and knowledge for their

future life. A lot of cover ups happen in families and I don't like that. I have

a BPD Mom and everything was always a big secret in the family. I tend to like

things being out in the open.

N

> It wasn't so long ago that this type of family involvement was perfectly

acceptable. I remember being spanked and disciplined by several family member,

without the permission of my parents, and this was fine with everyone. This was

the norm for families until very recently. I do not condone what happened, but I

can understand how people that come from very different times might make a

mistake and do the only thing they where shown.

>

> First I would call law enforcement and find out the current laws about family

and friends hitting and disciplining other peoples kids. Laws are starting to

outlaw such things. It should be illegal and it could very well be illegal in

your area. I called my police department and they said the laws in this area

gives full disciplinary rights to anyone a parent willingly leaves their child

with. Here it is ONLY legal to hit a child with an open hand on the butt and

only if you have legal custody of the child, with or without the permission of

the parent.

>

> You don't want to press charges, but it is wise to know the law in your area.

>

> Then absolutely confront the relative, but I would do it in a compassionate

manner. This is a cultural issue and this family member probably had no

intention of violating anyone's boundaries or hurting the child. He likely just

made a mistake. He needs you to contact him as soon as possible, because he

likely needs to talk about it as badly as you do.

>

> >

> > > I'm reading Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley. If you don't like science, a lot

> > > of the book might be boring to you. But for those of us that have been

> > > trying to comprehend our low functioning nada/fada's genetics or high

> > > functioning nada's ability to hide her disorder while in polite company -

> > > yeah - it offers explanations for all of that.

> > >

> > > I LOVE it, one of the best books I have ever read! Thanks to whoever on

here

> > > recommended it. I'm sorry I forgot who it was.

> > >

August 31, 2011

> What should I do? Should I call him or my sister in law,or suggest to my

husband to speak with him? Or should we wait for him to call? Any suggestions?

>

I haven't read the other replies, but it sounds like a confrontation with BIL

about his behavior is warranted. It can either be you or your DH who talks to

him. He deserves to hear from you directly that his behavior was unacceptable to

you and that it will not be tolerated. He owes you both and your child an

apology.

August 31, 2011

Face to face is always best, but call and let them know you are coming first and

let them know why.

> > >

> > > > I'm reading Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley. If you don't like science, a

lot

> > > > of the book might be boring to you. But for those of us that have been

> > > > trying to comprehend our low functioning nada/fada's genetics or high

> > > > functioning nada's ability to hide her disorder while in polite company

-

> > > > yeah - it offers explanations for all of that.

> > > >

> > > > I LOVE it, one of the best books I have ever read! Thanks to whoever on

here

> > > > recommended it. I'm sorry I forgot who it was.

> > > >

August 31, 2011

I disagree, Brother in law should not be required to apologize to the child, but

it would be nice if he would. The parent should empower the child by explaining

that the relative was talked to about it, that he knows that he made a mistake,

and that he will not treat them like that again.

In addition, I think the child needs to know that the relative did not mean to

be abusive; that he comes from a culture where children are treated differently.

He did not mean to hurt anyone.

I think it is so easy to think in black and white when it comes to the safety of

our kids, especially considering our own childhood issues. I know I have

flipped out on a few people about similar issues regarding my daughter.

> > What should I do? Should I call him or my sister in law,or suggest to my

husband to speak with him? Or should we wait for him to call? Any suggestions?

> >

>

> I haven't read the other replies, but it sounds like a confrontation with BIL

about his behavior is warranted. It can either be you or your DH who talks to

him. He deserves to hear from you directly that his behavior was unacceptable to

you and that it will not be tolerated. He owes you both and your child an

apology.

>

August 31, 2011

Hi N,

I think this will require a bit of careful handling, since your inlaws have some

kind of pds going on, in order to establish a clear boundary and yet not

alienate your inlaws and make them hostile toward you.

I'd think of this as round one; hopefully it will be the only round.

I agree with a phone call to arrange a face to face meeting, perhaps over coffee

and a danish, your treat (its your meeting), with both you and your husband, and

his sister and her husband, to discuss the matter. But first its important for

you and your husband to be totally united about this matter, ahead of time. If

he's not 100% on your team RE this incident and how to handle it and the issue

of nobody disciplines your child but you, then, I suggest meeting with the

inlaws on your own.

I'd meet at a neutral location like a coffee house. (Its easier for you to exit

if things turn ugly, and most people are less likely to cause a scene in

public.)

I'd use " Medium Chill " techniques to stay as neutral emotionally as possible.

Very calm.

Like you've taken a virtual Valium.

I'd keep it brief and simple and not go into much detail, just something like

" Look, I understand that we have different ideas and preferences about child

rearing, but, in the future I really need you to come to me and tell me if my

child is doing something that is upsetting you. Husband and I want to handle

disciplining him ourselves. OK? And we promise in return to not discipline

your child; we'll come to you and let you know if she's done something that

needs to be dealt with. Is that something you can agree to?

They will either agree and apologize like rational, reasonable adults, or

they'll argue with you and tell you that you're wrong, or they'll go ballistic.

The first option would be ideal, that's what you're hoping for. Happy ending.

If they argue with you, you become a broken record, " I understand that you and I

have different ideas about child rearing, but, this is something I need you to

understand: Its not OK for you to touch *my* child in anger, and its *not OK*

for you to discipline him. That's my job. Come and tell me what has happened

and I'll deal with it. " Repeat if necessary, remaining very calm and

unflappable, then, leave. " Oh, look at the time. Well, I need to go. I'm glad

we had this talk, thanks for understanding about my rules in this matter. This

issue is very important to me, so, thanks. It was real nice having coffee with

you, see you later. " (So, you are acting as though they understood you and

agreed with your boundary, even if they didn't. Eh. The point is that you

stated your position clearly, several times.)

If they go ballistic right off the bat, then, its a lost cause and you leave

immediately. Never be alone in their presence again, and never let your child

be alone with them; they will probably retaliate in some way.

Hopefully they will be reasonable and this issue will not come up again, but

if it does, then its time for round two.

-Annie

> > >

> > > > I'm reading Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley. If you don't like science, a

lot

> > > > of the book might be boring to you. But for those of us that have been

> > > > trying to comprehend our low functioning nada/fada's genetics or high

> > > > functioning nada's ability to hide her disorder while in polite company

-

> > > > yeah - it offers explanations for all of that.

> > > >

> > > > I LOVE it, one of the best books I have ever read! Thanks to whoever on

here

> > > > recommended it. I'm sorry I forgot who it was.

> > > >

September 1, 2011

They are coming over with their children. Thought it best to be on " our turf "

to discuss. My husband is on board with me, however he is a very non

confrontational type of person and so I think I may have to do all the talking.

He wouldn't tell them over the phone that we wanted to discuss this with them.

He said: most probably his brother in law will enter the house and apologize

straight out. I can't quite see why he's so sure of that. Growing up in a BPD

household during childhood makes me a little suspicious that maybe he has a

heads up from his sister that this will be the case. Whatever it is, if he has

done some advance back door lobbying and explaining, I don't mind. Anyway, so we

will see how it goes. I asked my child about the incident, for the first time

today, at first he didn't say anything, then when I reminded him of the incident

his face changed, he started looking down at the floor, as if he was ashamed. I

explained to him that brother in law made a mistake and must apologize. When I

asked if he would forgive him if he said he was sorry, my son said he wouldn't.

Children are truthful and direct. I guess he was really hurt by it, and I

intend to convey that to my inlaws.

I'll let you know how it goes! Thank you so much for all your continuous support

and advice.

N

> Hi N,

>

> I think this will require a bit of careful handling, since your inlaws have

some kind of pds going on, in order to establish a clear boundary and yet not

alienate your inlaws and make them hostile toward you.

>

> I'd think of this as round one; hopefully it will be the only round.

>

> I agree with a phone call to arrange a face to face meeting, perhaps over

coffee and a danish, your treat (its your meeting), with both you and your

husband, and his sister and her husband, to discuss the matter. But first its

important for you and your husband to be totally united about this matter, ahead

of time. If he's not 100% on your team RE this incident and how to handle it and

the issue of nobody disciplines your child but you, then, I suggest meeting with

the inlaws on your own.

>

> I'd meet at a neutral location like a coffee house. (Its easier for you to

exit if things turn ugly, and most people are less likely to cause a scene in

public.)

>

> I'd use " Medium Chill " techniques to stay as neutral emotionally as possible.

Very calm.

> Like you've taken a virtual Valium.

>

> I'd keep it brief and simple and not go into much detail, just something like

" Look, I understand that we have different ideas and preferences about child

rearing, but, in the future I really need you to come to me and tell me if my

child is doing something that is upsetting you. Husband and I want to handle

disciplining him ourselves. OK? And we promise in return to not discipline your

child; we'll come to you and let you know if she's done something that needs to

be dealt with. Is that something you can agree to?

>

> They will either agree and apologize like rational, reasonable adults, or

they'll argue with you and tell you that you're wrong, or they'll go ballistic.

>

> The first option would be ideal, that's what you're hoping for. Happy ending.

>

> If they argue with you, you become a broken record, " I understand that you and

I have different ideas about child rearing, but, this is something I need you to

understand: Its not OK for you to touch *my* child in anger, and its *not OK*

for you to discipline him. That's my job. Come and tell me what has happened and

I'll deal with it. " Repeat if necessary, remaining very calm and unflappable,

then, leave. " Oh, look at the time. Well, I need to go. I'm glad we had this

talk, thanks for understanding about my rules in this matter. This issue is very

important to me, so, thanks. It was real nice having coffee with you, see you

later. " (So, you are acting as though they understood you and agreed with your

boundary, even if they didn't. Eh. The point is that you stated your position

clearly, several times.)

>

> If they go ballistic right off the bat, then, its a lost cause and you leave

immediately. Never be alone in their presence again, and never let your child be

alone with them; they will probably retaliate in some way.

>

> Hopefully they will be reasonable and this issue will not come up again, but

if it does, then its time for round two.

>

> -Annie

>

> > > >

> > > > > I'm reading Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley. If you don't like science, a

lot

> > > > > of the book might be boring to you. But for those of us that have been

> > > > > trying to comprehend our low functioning nada/fada's genetics or high

> > > > > functioning nada's ability to hide her disorder while in polite

company -

> > > > > yeah - it offers explanations for all of that.

> > > > >

> > > > > I LOVE it, one of the best books I have ever read! Thanks to whoever

on here

> > > > > recommended it. I'm sorry I forgot who it was.

> > > > >

September 1, 2011

If the childs parents were there, the appropriate action was to first

turn to them and say, " Will you please deal with little ____. " It is

Mom and Dad s place first and foremost. If a relative is watching a

child, it should be established before what the Parents consider

appropriate for discipline, and if the relative does not accept that, he

can say " Look, if he gets out of line, I may swat his behind or

physically put him in a chair for a time out. " If the adults don t

agree, then Mom and dad do not have a baby sitter.

What he did, in terms of a swat on the behind, then dealing with a 5

year old s rebelious testing of the limits by placing him on a chair was

not excessive or abusive. What was wrong was not to first turn to the

parents and say Look, little johnny threw a ball at Suzy and made her

cry, he is continuing to be destructive with the exercise equipement,

and I need you to deal with his behaviour.

Kids need to know that good behaviour is expected even in unusual

circumstances. In a room full of relatives, a kid should get the idea

right away that if he perfroms mischief, a whole bunch of people will

say stop that, and instantly rat him out to Mom and Dad if he doesnt

respond.

A lot her is unanswered, how long was it from the time he started

fooling with the balls till the Uncle responded with the swat? Was he

verbally corrected and warned first?

I know that when I was growing up, an uncle would have jerked me back

into line as quickly as Dad. What we have is a difference in parenting

styles. The appropriate thing for him to do , if he had never

previously asked, is turn to the parents first and say please deal with

your child. If you did not approve as he began to discipline your

child, it would have been perfectly appropriate to quickly move in that

direction and say calmly, Uncle Jack, I ll deal with little Jimmy, just

leave this to me, please.

Then after you have dealt with your child, and out of his hearing, say

Jack, we have not discussed this before, but just so you know in the

future, I would appreciate it if you would turn to me if you think Jimmy

needs parental attention.

Situation resolved, if all the adults act as adults. His action was for

your standards, inappropriate, though not abusive, so you need to say so

and establish the boundaries. Once they are known, then you can

reasonably enforce them. The other thing you might say is, if he is

doing something harmful, destructive, or dangerous, just stop him and

bring him to me and explain. That is a reasonable thing to do: Stop him

from playing with the balls, and gently but firmly guide him to you.

A few days ago, my grandson said to me " Do you know what your daughter

is not letting me do? " I had to suppress a laugh, but I said, no, son,

but she is Mommy, and she is in charge of you.

Doug

>

> > I'm reading Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley. If you don't like science,

a lot

> > of the book might be boring to you. But for those of us that have

been

> > trying to comprehend our low functioning nada/fada's genetics or

high

> > functioning nada's ability to hide her disorder while in polite

company -

> > yeah - it offers explanations for all of that.

> >

> > I LOVE it, one of the best books I have ever read! Thanks to whoever

on here

> > recommended it. I'm sorry I forgot who it was.

> >

September 1, 2011

Sounds like you have your plan in place and are ready for the meeting. Thumb's

up! I agree with your hunch, it sounds to me also like your in-laws are wanting

to talk with you about it, are going to be reasonable, willing to " make nice " ,

and that you guys will be able reach a mutual agreement RE a policy for future

family gatherings and how to handle child discipline issues when they crop up.

Please do let us know how the meeting with your inlaws goes, if you want to

share that I'd love to hear it.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > > I'm reading Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley. If you don't like science,

a lot

> > > > > > of the book might be boring to you. But for those of us that have

been

> > > > > > trying to comprehend our low functioning nada/fada's genetics or

high

> > > > > > functioning nada's ability to hide her disorder while in polite

company -

> > > > > > yeah - it offers explanations for all of that.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I LOVE it, one of the best books I have ever read! Thanks to whoever

on here

> > > > > > recommended it. I'm sorry I forgot who it was.

> > > > > >

September 1, 2011

Thank you all for your wonderful advice and support!

Today went fantastically. My husband's brother in law shows up with the kids

first, without his wife. When I took one look at him I knew he felt bad - it

showed on his face, he was embarrassed. So I pretended like nothing was up,

then we sat down and chatted about various things. I waited for him to bring it

up. He didn't. I waited for my husband to bring it up. He didn't. I gave my

husband a few " looks " which of course he didn't understand as a " cue " to dive in

to the conversation, so I decided to dive in myself. I said: " I wanted to

discuss with you what happened the other day. " He said, while not looking at me,

looking down: " oh yes, I wanted to apologize for that, I don't know what

happened, I'm sorry. " So I said: " I wish you had come to me or my husband. But I

forgive you, no worries. " I then said: " I'm very sensitive to a child's

feelings " He said: " Oh that is fantastic, just like it should be, I totally

agree, did your son say anything about what happened the other day? " He looked

genuinely distraught. I said: " no he didn't bring it up, but I saw his face

after that, he was very ashamed, as the room was full of relatives, which is why

I took him outside to the car straight away. " I said: " maybe you could just give

him a kiss. " He said: " Oh I made it a point when I came in to kiss him and say

hello. " I said: " oh that's great! I will bring him over now for another kiss, I

don't want him to be afraid of you. " He said: " that's fine " . I brought my son,

who didn't want to come, but came anyway, and he kissed him and my son escaped

straight away to the other kids. I guess that's your typical 5 year old!

I felt tremendously better after that, we chatted about various topics, his wife

came in later. I actually think we sort of bonded in a deeper way after this

incident. It's strange how things like this actually bring you closer. And for

the first time in my life, I understood how " confrontation " , when it's done

right, and when you have a mature adult on the other end (not BPD Mom), actually

turns out fantastically! I hadn't been sleeping very well after the incident,

and I'm sure that tonight I'll get the best sleep ever!

I'm just so happy this turned out so great! This confrontation thing you all

supported me on was a turning point in my life - I will make it a point to

always get things off my chest with others. As I learned today, chances are that

the opposite party would love to do likewise and get it off their chest too! I

felt he really wanted to clear the air, and I helped him do that, and I think he

also appreciated it.

Had I waited for my husband, he wouldn't have said a thing I guess. But at the

end when I told him that it went great, he sort of grunted a " that's excellent "

and didn't discuss further. I think my husband probably didn't feel as strongly

about the issue, but that he also supported me and was glad I was feeling better

in the end. He just checked on me, asked me : " all ok? How's the group email, how

are they? " I said: " FANTASTIC. "

Thank you all SO SO SO SO much! You are a wonderful group of people, really,

I've never had so much support from " friends " that I see face to face. You

REALLY shine thru. God bless you all.

N

> Sounds like you have your plan in place and are ready for the meeting. Thumb's

up! I agree with your hunch, it sounds to me also like your in-laws are wanting

to talk with you about it, are going to be reasonable, willing to " make nice " ,

and that you guys will be able reach a mutual agreement RE a policy for future

family gatherings and how to handle child discipline issues when they crop up.

>

> Please do let us know how the meeting with your inlaws goes, if you want to

share that I'd love to hear it.

>

> -Annie

>

> > > > > >

> > > > > > > I'm reading Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley. If you don't like

science, a lot

> > > > > > > of the book might be boring to you. But for those of us that have

been

> > > > > > > trying to comprehend our low functioning nada/fada's genetics or

high

> > > > > > > functioning nada's ability to hide her disorder while in polite

company -

> > > > > > > yeah - it offers explanations for all of that.

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I LOVE it, one of the best books I have ever read! Thanks to

whoever on here

> > > > > > > recommended it. I'm sorry I forgot who it was.

> > > > > > >

September 1, 2011

Woo HOOO! That went great! I'm so happy for you, you handled it beautifully.

Kudos to you!

-Annie

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I'm reading Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley. If you don't like

science, a lot

> > > > > > > > of the book might be boring to you. But for those of us that

have been

> > > > > > > > trying to comprehend our low functioning nada/fada's genetics or

high

> > > > > > > > functioning nada's ability to hide her disorder while in polite

company -

> > > > > > > > yeah - it offers explanations for all of that.

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I LOVE it, one of the best books I have ever read! Thanks to

whoever on here

> > > > > > > > recommended it. I'm sorry I forgot who it was.

> > > > > > > >

September 3, 2011

N,

Good for you for being brave enough to bring it up. Your husband sounds like he

would have to agree that HE would HAVE to be the one to bring it up ahead of

time otherwise he would be like my husband (and most the men in my FOO) they

have an unwritten code I call... " Ignore it long enough and maybe it'll go away! "

C

>

> Thank you all for your wonderful advice and support!

>

> Today went fantastically. My husband's brother in law shows up with the kids