[WTOAdultChildren] Is this FOG or am I overreacting?

[Guest guest]

Hello,

I just had an argument with a family member over the use of the TV and I am

not sure if I am overreacting. I had offered to clean the kitchen after I

finished a one hour show. Halfway through the show I went through the

kitchen and she was cleaning. I asked why and she replied that since there

is nothing for her to do with me using the TV (we only have one) that she

decided to start the cleaning. I had spent half of yesterday cooking and

cleaning and wanted some time for me. I felt guilty that I left someone

with nothing to do but angry that after all my hard work someone would imply

that I am taking too much TV time. What do you all think? Did I take it

wrong or was it FOG?

BB

[Guest guest]

I think offering to clean the kitchen after watching a 1-hour TV show is very

reasonable.

Does the family member have personality disorder? Is she very demanding and

controlling about most things? (Such as being rigid about " rules " and thinking

that the kitchen *must* be clean by a certain hour or something like that?) Is

this your house, or do you live in this family member's house, or are you

visiting her? Is she visiting you? I'm just trying to get more of a feel for

the situation so I understand the context.

But generally, I think relaxing after dinner and watching a show before cleaning

up is fine. But that's just me.

OCPD people who are obsessively hyper-clean and organized probably can't stand

the idea of food being left out or dirty dishes waiting to be washed even for an

hour and it makes them feel anxious and stressed.

-Annie

>

> Hello,

>

> I just had an argument with a family member over the use of the TV and I am

> not sure if I am overreacting. I had offered to clean the kitchen after I

> finished a one hour show. Halfway through the show I went through the

> kitchen and she was cleaning. I asked why and she replied that since there

> is nothing for her to do with me using the TV (we only have one) that she

> decided to start the cleaning. I had spent half of yesterday cooking and

> cleaning and wanted some time for me. I felt guilty that I left someone

> with nothing to do but angry that after all my hard work someone would imply

> that I am taking too much TV time. What do you all think? Did I take it

> wrong or was it FOG?

>

> BB

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Like Annie, I'm not really able to analyze the situation without more details.

I'm sitting here trying to think of all the " non-crazy " reasons why your family

member would hustle into the kitchen and start cleaning (and it sounds like she

was in a huff about it), because she thought you were hogging the TV.

Okay - if it's been a long day, dinner was late, and I know the kitchen has to

be cleaned up before bed (not because of OCD, but because leaving food and dirty

dishes out draws bugs, and the mess is still there in the morning when we're all

trying to get out the door to work,and running the dishwasher while we're in bed

means the coffeemaker will be clean when I stumble in there in the morning),

then I can see getting antsy about it being left undone while you watch an

hour-long show after dinner - but ONLY if you are the type of person who says

you'll clean up, then you conveniently " forget " and wander off to bed, leaving

the mess there. If you're that type of person, maybe she was just throwing in

the (dish)towel and getting the kitchen cleaned up so she wouldn't have to deal

with it in the morning. (This would not be crazy. This would be called " being

a Mom, " and it is behavior that is universally seen in mothers who just get

tired of nagging their spouses and offspring).

HOWEVER - if you are good for your word, and when you say you'll do something at

a certain time, you actually do it, and you don't leave messes behind for others

to clean up, then yes, she was being unnecessarily fussy, if not full-tilt

crazy.

And if there's only one TV in the house, yes, there's some negotiation that has

to be done, especially about prime-time programming. Sane adults can work that

out without somebody having a hissy and stomping off to the kitchen.

I would point out that the one saving grace in all this is that when she got

mad, she cleaned up the kitchen. At least she put her misplaced anger to good

use!

So - if she's not really crazy, maybe you can form a series of " contracts " - " I

would really like to see this program. I promise to clean up the kitchen at

10:00 when it is over, and during the commercials I'll go put the food in the

refrigerator. " " I would like to watch the Dr. Who Marathon this Saturday. Can

we agree that we'll either tape some of those shows, or tape the ones you want

to watch,and then the TV is all yours on Sunday? " You know, grownup

negotiations. Doing it in advance, and then following up afterward, might help.

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > I just had an argument with a family member over the use of the TV and I am

> > not sure if I am overreacting. I had offered to clean the kitchen after I

> > finished a one hour show. Halfway through the show I went through the

> > kitchen and she was cleaning. I asked why and she replied that since there

> > is nothing for her to do with me using the TV (we only have one) that she

> > decided to start the cleaning. I had spent half of yesterday cooking and

> > cleaning and wanted some time for me. I felt guilty that I left someone

> > with nothing to do but angry that after all my hard work someone would imply

> > that I am taking too much TV time. What do you all think? Did I take it

> > wrong or was it FOG?

> >

> > BB

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

>I felt guilty that I left someone with nothing to do but angry that after all

my hard work someone would imply that I am taking too much TV time. What do you

all think?

It sounds like your FM may have been a little passive-aggressive, and that as a

KO you responded in the way you were trained to respond--by feeling guilty.

You are not responsible for making sure other people have something to do. Your

FM is responsible for deciding what to do. Personally, I can think of at least a

dozen things to do besides watch t.v.; if she didn't want to watch the program

with you, she can choose something else. It sounds like she did just that--she

chose to clean the kitchen--and in itself that doesn't seem bad or unhealthy.

However, I think it would have been best for her to communicate about it (e.g.,

" Hey, motherless, don't worry about it. I'll clean up today. " )

She may have put blame where it didn't belong. If she isn't happy about your

very reasonable and clearly communicated plans, she is capable of talking to you

and working out a solution that is mutually acceptable. If she doesn't want to

do that, it's not your fault. I recommend reflecting the responsibility for her

choices back to her, and not accepting the blame for her feelings.