BP abuse and the self

[Guest guest]

samsarayoda, I think that NC is sometimes necessary, but not always. It depends

on how strong a person's identity is. Those of us that where raised by BP

parents and did not have anything to buffer us from the BP abuse now have very

fragile identities. However, I have seen that there are those of us that were

buffered from the BP abuse and were able to develop more solid identities.

A person with a solid identity does not get triggered by BP abuse like those of

us that are struggling to strengthen our identities. Imagine someone came up to

you and saying that you are a man, when you were obviously a woman (long hair,

visible protruding breast, lipstick, wearing a sun dress with high heals).

Would you be offended? A normal person would think quietly to themselves that

this person must be crazy, on drugs, telling a bad joke, or something. The same

thing goes with BP abuse; most normal people know that the BP is crazy and they

do not take what they say personally, because they know who they are (they have

a solid identity).

However,most of us who have been raised by a BP parent do not have a solid

identity, because we were never allowed to develop it. Therefore, we take BP

abuse personal and become emotionally unwell when we encounter BP abuse.

I was extremely vulnerable and NC was absolutely necessary for me, so I could

get better and develop my identity to a solid level. It took more than 4 years

in therapy to achieve this (best thing I ever did).

I know that therapy worked and that I now have a solid identity because recently

I had to move in with my dad and step-mother (who is BP). Due to the economy,

this is something I had to do to keep a roof of me and my daughter's head and

food on the table. None of us wanted me in this house, including me, because my

past with my step-mother has been extremely high conflict in nature.

My step-mother is still very much so BP; maybe more so than ever before.

However, my relationship with her is no longer high conflict. Like the person

who calls a woman a man, I know who I am now and I do not get triggered by her

BP abuse. Surprising to everyone is that I have been able to have a functional

relationship with her. We have mutual regard for each other. She surprises me

from time to time with acts of kindness and I surprise her back. She still

becomes abusive at times, but it bounces off of me now because it doesn't belong

to me.

Granted that my step-mother was never as abusive and hurtful as my mother. I

could never live with my mother. In fact, step-mother is fairly mild compared

to mother and ex-wife. However, compared to my relationship with her in the

past, my present relationship is strong testimony to the power of therapy.

This makes me wonder if there is any possibility of me somehow gaining access to

my family on my mother's side. Up until this post, I have denied a need to have

them in my life. Now I think I was lying to myself because I did not see anyway

to get them back. Maybe now, with my solid identity, I can get them back. I am

just thinking out loud here; not saying I ever will. I am still scared. Just

maybe...

>

> I hear you both, and feel the same way so often --- but I think its important

to remind ourselves that, in reality, the choice they offer us is not the only

choice we have.

>

> We actually only have to chose between self-preservation and self-sacrifice if

we choose to playing their game, by their rules. (And honestly, in their heart

of hearts, somewhere deep below the surface - I don't think they like the game

or the rules any better than we do.)

>

> Please understand I know the feeling of " either/or " is real, for you and for

me, and I don't want to belittle the feelings. Your feelings matter. They

deserve and need gentle, loving attendance.

>

> But the other reality is that we have other options. We have to remember to

keep looking for them when we can't see them - or else we are stuck in their

trap, the same trap they are stuck in. The toxicity is staying stuck in their

traps.

>

> Don't get stuck in her trap and don't play by her rules. You have the wisdom

and the wholeness to see its a 'lose-lose' game. With practice and awareness,

you can outwit the trap. You can chose not to play the game.

>

> And you are so absolutely right.

> It is not fair.