Guest guest Posted September 3, 2011 Report Share Posted September 3, 2011 Eliza92, you need to get on the phone on Tuesday morning and find some professional help. It is not ok to live life depressed and overwhelmed like this. We cannot help you; you need to help yourself. Your mom will live her life the way she wants. You need to find out who you are. I don't think you have a clue who you are. 5 years ago I found that out about myself. It was scary. However, it is even scarier to live life in a void. Sorry if I am coming across a bit confrontational. I am worried about you. > > Hi all, so as my title says I'm so freaking depressed. My aunt told me that my nada is now leaving old plates of cat food in her home that are swarming with ants. My nada had trouble in her previous home with roach infestations because she wouldn't do anything about it and now it's happening again with ants. My aunt is the only other relative left in the family and the only one local to my nada. To top it off, my aunt made sure to tell me about the ants, but did not pick up the plate and throw it away because " that's not her job " and she's afraid if she does anything at all that resembles housekeeping she'll get sucked into a giant black hole. OTOH I understand her setting that boundary, but OTOH this is her sister who is showing early signs of dementia...is it so crazy to hope that she'd help some? She's quick to report some new outrage to me though - she's long criticized my decision to live far away and think this is her way of trying to make me feel guilty and rope me in. > > I'm doing what I can from a distance - I pre-interviewed and checked references for people to help my nada with housekeeping and food safety. But of course she doesn't want to call them - doesn't want anyone who might not be " controllable " in her home. Here's where the BPD comes in and this isn't just another sad tale of aging. Neither I or my aunt can MAKE her do anything, even if she's putting herself at risk or her pets at risk. She will verbally/emotionally attack either of us if she gets triggered - which basically happens if anyone tells her anything she doesn't want to hear. I think she'd still fall on the side of her living situation not being actionable if I were to call adult protective services, but it's getting there bit by bit. > > I just feel tormented by all this. I'm an only child and I can't really go NC, my aunt won't pick up any of the slack, and my nada won't pull in anyone else in because she's a complete hermit. If she weren't a nada, I'd move her here to my city but if I did that I'd lose what sanity I've got left. Still I don't know how to not care. > > Thanks for reading, > Eliza > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 3, 2011 Report Share Posted September 3, 2011 (((((Eliza))))) I can completely empathize with your situation; being the only child of a nada is another no-win situation. Maybe it would make you feel better if you were to arrange a consultation (in person or by phone) for yourself with either your nada's regular doctor or with a social worker at adult protective services, or with a lawyer, just to ask them about all this stuff. Talk to them about your concerns for your nada's well-being; that you're afraid she's at the point where she is unable to care for herself properly, and may possibly be in the early stages of dementia. Explain that your nada won't keep her home clean enough to avoid attracting roaches and ants (and probably other vermin as well), but she will not allow an elder-care giver to come into her home to help with keeping the place clean, help with keeping nada well-nutritioned, seeing that the cats have clean food and clean water, etc. Explain that you think your nada has had the symptoms and traits of a hermit (or a hoarder?) for a long time, and its just getting worse. Your concerns sound legitimate to me; maybe her doctor or a social worker or a lawyer might have some good advice for you. Knowledge is power; maybe arranging a consultation will make you feel more empowered and less depressed. -Annie > > Hi all, so as my title says I'm so freaking depressed. My aunt told me that my nada is now leaving old plates of cat food in her home that are swarming with ants. My nada had trouble in her previous home with roach infestations because she wouldn't do anything about it and now it's happening again with ants. My aunt is the only other relative left in the family and the only one local to my nada. To top it off, my aunt made sure to tell me about the ants, but did not pick up the plate and throw it away because " that's not her job " and she's afraid if she does anything at all that resembles housekeeping she'll get sucked into a giant black hole. OTOH I understand her setting that boundary, but OTOH this is her sister who is showing early signs of dementia...is it so crazy to hope that she'd help some? She's quick to report some new outrage to me though - she's long criticized my decision to live far away and think this is her way of trying to make me feel guilty and rope me in. > > I'm doing what I can from a distance - I pre-interviewed and checked references for people to help my nada with housekeeping and food safety. But of course she doesn't want to call them - doesn't want anyone who might not be " controllable " in her home. Here's where the BPD comes in and this isn't just another sad tale of aging. Neither I or my aunt can MAKE her do anything, even if she's putting herself at risk or her pets at risk. She will verbally/emotionally attack either of us if she gets triggered - which basically happens if anyone tells her anything she doesn't want to hear. I think she'd still fall on the side of her living situation not being actionable if I were to call adult protective services, but it's getting there bit by bit. > > I just feel tormented by all this. I'm an only child and I can't really go NC, my aunt won't pick up any of the slack, and my nada won't pull in anyone else in because she's a complete hermit. If she weren't a nada, I'd move her here to my city but if I did that I'd lose what sanity I've got left. Still I don't know how to not care. > > Thanks for reading, > Eliza > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2011 Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 Thanks Annie, I need more information about my options that's for sure because right now it feels very no-win. Quite a few years ago back when my nada was a hoarder-lite living with roaches and too many cats I talked with my therapist about it. Her take was that there were many levels of functioning and that where my nada was then (and it looks similar to that now) was not " actionable " . Now that she's older though and her health is much worse these things might be seen in a different light. Thanks for the hugs they are much needed. Eliza > > (((((Eliza))))) > > I can completely empathize with your situation; being the only child of a nada is another no-win situation. > > Maybe it would make you feel better if you were to arrange a consultation (in person or by phone) for yourself with either your nada's regular doctor or with a social worker at adult protective services, or with a lawyer, just to ask them about all this stuff. > > Talk to them about your concerns for your nada's well-being; that you're afraid she's at the point where she is unable to care for herself properly, and may possibly be in the early stages of dementia. Explain that your nada won't keep her home clean enough to avoid attracting roaches and ants (and probably other vermin as well), but she will not allow an elder-care giver to come into her home to help with keeping the place clean, help with keeping nada well-nutritioned, seeing that the cats have clean food and clean water, etc. Explain that you think your nada has had the symptoms and traits of a hermit (or a hoarder?) for a long time, and its just getting worse. > > Your concerns sound legitimate to me; maybe her doctor or a social worker or a lawyer might have some good advice for you. Knowledge is power; maybe arranging a consultation will make you feel more empowered and less depressed. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2011 Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 Hi Pdff, I agree I need more info but I'm on the fence about therapy. I've had therapy off and on for many years and for me it wasn't the transformative positive experience that it's been for you. Please know that I AM glad that it has worked so well for you. I did get some value and insights from it, but never the big transformational AHA that would set me free from my FOO. I might try therapy again - I am considering it but I approach it with some caution. I know that I do need more information about my practical options though. And no worries you actually are helping. It helps to be able to write about what I'm dealing with and know others " get it " and care, even a little bit. Thanks, Eliza > > Eliza92, you need to get on the phone on Tuesday morning and find some professional help. It is not ok to live life depressed and overwhelmed like this. We cannot help you; you need to help yourself. Your mom will live her life the way she wants. You need to find out who you are. I don't think you have a clue who you are. 5 years ago I found that out about myself. It was scary. However, it is even scarier to live life in a void. > > Sorry if I am coming across a bit confrontational. I am worried about you. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2011 Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 I agree with Annie - Call Adult Protective Services in her town ASAP, and tell them what you've told us. You might also call her physician(s) and tell them. They can't tell YOU anything about your mother due to privacy laws, but that doesn't mean you can't give them details about how she's living. One thing we keep reading about Nadas is that they put on a really good show to people who " matter " - like their doctors. ( " Nothing wrong with me! I'm fit as a fiddle! It's just my awful daughter/son/sister/whatever... " ) If APS does an investigation, that may or may not lead to any action, but at least they'll be on notice that they've got an elderly person living in filth and deteriorating. Another idea (and this is the one that finally worked for my) - her landlord, if she's renting, and especially if she's in an apartment. Landlords can't have roach infestations and mice getting into other tenants' apartments. My mom's landlady was also one of her enablers for a long time, until I told her to go ahead and start eviction proceedings. That made it clear that my Nada could not go back home, and now that she's in assisted living, it pretty much guarantees that nobody else will ever rent to her (her medication has stabilized her, so she keeps talking about moving into a senior apartment to live more independently - fat chance!) You'll need whatever documentation you can amass if you have to file for guardianship, and it will help if you, your Aunt, the doctors, her landlord, and all of Nada's flying monkeys finally get on the same page. > > > > Eliza92, you need to get on the phone on Tuesday morning and find some professional help. It is not ok to live life depressed and overwhelmed like this. We cannot help you; you need to help yourself. Your mom will live her life the way she wants. You need to find out who you are. I don't think you have a clue who you are. 5 years ago I found that out about myself. It was scary. However, it is even scarier to live life in a void. > > > > Sorry if I am coming across a bit confrontational. I am worried about you. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 4, 2011 Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 Hi Eliza92, I feel for your situation, and have to agree that reaching out for some professional assistance to help you deal with all of this and how you are feeling is an excellent idea. Your nada is responsible for herself and is making choices. You cannot control her, as you've told the community, and for your own sake I think it would be a very good idea for you to get some professional support for yourself right now. Wishing you peace, > > > > Hi all, so as my title says I'm so freaking depressed. My aunt told me that my nada is now leaving old plates of cat food in her home that are swarming with ants. My nada had trouble in her previous home with roach infestations because she wouldn't do anything about it and now it's happening again with ants. My aunt is the only other relative left in the family and the only one local to my nada. To top it off, my aunt made sure to tell me about the ants, but did not pick up the plate and throw it away because " that's not her job " and she's afraid if she does anything at all that resembles housekeeping she'll get sucked into a giant black hole. OTOH I understand her setting that boundary, but OTOH this is her sister who is showing early signs of dementia...is it so crazy to hope that she'd help some? She's quick to report some new outrage to me though - she's long criticized my decision to live far away and think this is her way of trying to make me feel guilty and rope me in. > > > > I'm doing what I can from a distance - I pre-interviewed and checked references for people to help my nada with housekeeping and food safety. But of course she doesn't want to call them - doesn't want anyone who might not be " controllable " in her home. Here's where the BPD comes in and this isn't just another sad tale of aging. Neither I or my aunt can MAKE her do anything, even if she's putting herself at risk or her pets at risk. She will verbally/emotionally attack either of us if she gets triggered - which basically happens if anyone tells her anything she doesn't want to hear. I think she'd still fall on the side of her living situation not being actionable if I were to call adult protective services, but it's getting there bit by bit. > > > > I just feel tormented by all this. I'm an only child and I can't really go NC, my aunt won't pick up any of the slack, and my nada won't pull in anyone else in because she's a complete hermit. If she weren't a nada, I'd move her here to my city but if I did that I'd lose what sanity I've got left. Still I don't know how to not care. > > > > Thanks for reading, > > Eliza > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2011 Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 Thanks , I'd been wondering how it was going with your mother. My own does not rent but own her house outright, so the landlord option is unfortunately a no-go. She does not respect and has barely even seen her main doctor, so I might talk to them from a legal perspective but they barely know her. Still I will gather info from APS about how to judge the situation and when to act. Eliza > > > > > > Eliza92, you need to get on the phone on Tuesday morning and find some professional help. It is not ok to live life depressed and overwhelmed like this. We cannot help you; you need to help yourself. Your mom will live her life the way she wants. You need to find out who you are. I don't think you have a clue who you are. 5 years ago I found that out about myself. It was scary. However, it is even scarier to live life in a void. > > > > > > Sorry if I am coming across a bit confrontational. I am worried about you. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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