So sad and feel like I am living a dark fairy tale in my FOO

[Guest guest]

Being a holiday weekend my family and I spent some time with my FOO. I thought I

had braced myself for it, but evidentally not enough. I am so exhausted from it,

as are my husband and adult children. I am still struggling with accepting how

mean my nada can be, and found myself embarassed for my nada and NP ( or even

BP) sister as they fawned over one another, and my BIL. As soon as the alcohol

gets flowing I know things will get worse, and sure enough they did. The slights

and digs are just so unnecessary and foolish. I have a hard time believing it is

my own mother, especially since it is mostly directed at me and my husband.

I also had a really hard time being at my nada's to begin with as my father has

only been gone now for seven months and the house is so full of reminders of

him. It was tough - getting slammed by my nada and sister and not having dad

there, and missing him so much.

I am not sure how much longer I can continue this path. I have never been able

to imagine going NC, but I truly feel like we are in the bizarro world once the

alcohol gets going and the temperments get nastier. One of the only reasons I

feel strongly about not going NC is because I love my nieces and nephews so much

and want to be there for them and keep that connection, plus I feel my dad would

like me to keep tabs on Nada - in spite of her behavior.

Wishing so darn hard things were kinder and genteler.

karen

[Guest guest]

Sorry, . What an uncomfortable weekend. It sounds like in so many ways you

have moved on--you see the dysfunction for what it is. Nothing like feeling you

are sitting in a nest of snakes.

>

> Being a holiday weekend my family and I spent some time with my FOO. I thought

I had braced myself for it, but evidentally not enough. I am so exhausted from

it, as are my husband and adult children. I am still struggling with accepting

how mean my nada can be, and found myself embarassed for my nada and NP ( or

even BP) sister as they fawned over one another, and my BIL. As soon as the

alcohol gets flowing I know things will get worse, and sure enough they did. The

slights and digs are just so unnecessary and foolish. I have a hard time

believing it is my own mother, especially since it is mostly directed at me and

my husband.

>

> I also had a really hard time being at my nada's to begin with as my father

has only been gone now for seven months and the house is so full of reminders of

him. It was tough - getting slammed by my nada and sister and not having dad

there, and missing him so much.

>

> I am not sure how much longer I can continue this path. I have never been able

to imagine going NC, but I truly feel like we are in the bizarro world once the

alcohol gets going and the temperments get nastier. One of the only reasons I

feel strongly about not going NC is because I love my nieces and nephews so much

and want to be there for them and keep that connection, plus I feel my dad would

like me to keep tabs on Nada - in spite of her behavior.

>

> Wishing so darn hard things were kinder and genteler.

>

> karen

>

[Guest guest]

If it were me, I'd probably set the boundary that I would leave after they

had their first drink. is that an option for you? Would it help?

XOXOXOXO

> **

>

>

> Sorry, . What an uncomfortable weekend. It sounds like in so many ways

> you have moved on--you see the dysfunction for what it is. Nothing like

> feeling you are sitting in a nest of snakes.

>

>

>

> >

> > Being a holiday weekend my family and I spent some time with my FOO. I

> thought I had braced myself for it, but evidentally not enough. I am so

> exhausted from it, as are my husband and adult children. I am still

> struggling with accepting how mean my nada can be, and found myself

> embarassed for my nada and NP ( or even BP) sister as they fawned over one

> another, and my BIL. As soon as the alcohol gets flowing I know things will

> get worse, and sure enough they did. The slights and digs are just so

> unnecessary and foolish. I have a hard time believing it is my own mother,

> especially since it is mostly directed at me and my husband.

> >

> > I also had a really hard time being at my nada's to begin with as my

> father has only been gone now for seven months and the house is so full of

> reminders of him. It was tough - getting slammed by my nada and sister and

> not having dad there, and missing him so much.

> >

> > I am not sure how much longer I can continue this path. I have never been

> able to imagine going NC, but I truly feel like we are in the bizarro world

> once the alcohol gets going and the temperments get nastier. One of the only

> reasons I feel strongly about not going NC is because I love my nieces and

> nephews so much and want to be there for them and keep that connection, plus

> I feel my dad would like me to keep tabs on Nada - in spite of her behavior.

> >

> > Wishing so darn hard things were kinder and genteler.

> >

> > karen

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's what I was going to suggest too; there is no " rule " about how long you

must stay at a family gathering. Maybe next time go early, stay only an hour or

two, just long enough to say hello to and have a short chat with everyone, and

then you're out of there: you and your husband and kids go do something really

fun together, by yourselves.

Of course you foo will squeal and protest and complain, probably the whole time

you're there (and that may be the ONLY thing they will discuss with you is " WHY

do you have to leave so soon? " ) but, hey, they were going to be obnoxious

anyway. So it will only be a different flavor of obnoxious. So let them be

obnoxious, smile at them utilizing " Medium Chill " for two hours, then...

you're free!

Hallelujah!

Back when dad was still alive, and even more so when it was just nada, back when

I was still in contact with her and made a point of flying back there for a few

days' visit once or twice a year, every trip was focused around " Why can't you

stay longer " and other complaints.

Having me there physically with her only (apparently) made nada hyper-aware that

I was going to leave in a few days. Nada was unable to just stay in the moment

and enjoy a nice visit for more than the first day and a half, then she'd focus

on her upcoming " abandonment " and the visit would become increasingly stressful

for me due to her escalating level of negativity, criticizing and complaining.

Which made the time and effort and expense it took to make the trips happen,

pointless from my perspective.

So, anyway. I agree with Girlscout and suggest a much shorter visit next time.

-Annie

>

> If it were me, I'd probably set the boundary that I would leave after they

> had their first drink. is that an option for you? Would it help?

>

> XOXOXOXO

[Guest guest]

Excellent metaphor for the situation. Makes my heart heavy and me mad and sad

all at the same time. I am guessing we'll just continue in this pattern for now.

My kids and husband and I - it is almost like we have outgrown the situation

since our eyes have been opened. But, as I mentioned, we have nieces and nephews

who are stuck in the snake pit too and I don't want them alone in it. The things

you do for family are Herceulian (spelling?).

I am glad the slights and digs don't hurt as much anymore - I am getting a

tougher skin, but sometimes it is so hard to justify exposing yourself to them

at all. Makes no sense to me. LIke being in the nuthouse.

Weird thing is that it makes me second guess so much of my childhood and

relationships in the family. I feel like when it comes to them I am on quicksand

and I feel sick to my stomach. And I KNOW nada nor sister would act like they do

at a family gathering in public. In public it is back each other up and we are a

united unit - ideal family. I know people outside of my FOO who have known us

for a long time would never, ever believe me if I told the truth about the snake

pit.

Sometimes I just feel so all alone with it and so sad. My dad was the glue and

although not perfect, he was a huge stabalizer for my nada. With him gone she is

much worse, as is my sister - who sometimes even seems worse than nada when it

comes to her own kids who are approaching young adulthood and seem to be more of

a threat to her now. Sometimes I actually feel sorry for her and even

embarrased. But you can't tell her anything or she explodes!

Just feeling sorry for myself.

Thanks for listening.

> >

> > Being a holiday weekend my family and I spent some time with my FOO. I

thought I had braced myself for it, but evidentally not enough. I am so

exhausted from it, as are my husband and adult children. I am still struggling

with accepting how mean my nada can be, and found myself embarassed for my nada

and NP ( or even BP) sister as they fawned over one another, and my BIL. As soon

as the alcohol gets flowing I know things will get worse, and sure enough they

did. The slights and digs are just so unnecessary and foolish. I have a hard

time believing it is my own mother, especially since it is mostly directed at me

and my husband.

> >

> > I also had a really hard time being at my nada's to begin with as my father

has only been gone now for seven months and the house is so full of reminders of

him. It was tough - getting slammed by my nada and sister and not having dad

there, and missing him so much.

> >

> > I am not sure how much longer I can continue this path. I have never been

able to imagine going NC, but I truly feel like we are in the bizarro world once

the alcohol gets going and the temperments get nastier. One of the only reasons

I feel strongly about not going NC is because I love my nieces and nephews so

much and want to be there for them and keep that connection, plus I feel my dad

would like me to keep tabs on Nada - in spite of her behavior.

> >

> > Wishing so darn hard things were kinder and genteler.

> >

> > karen

> >

>

[Guest guest]

That is a great suggestion and we try to get going as early as possible as it is

but its complicated. When we are with the FOO sometimes my husband and I will

have one glass of wine or one beer to " fit in " , but that is our limit. Part of

the dance in my FOO is the partying, but it is a trap. We choose not to drink as

a rule and this seems to mean to my FOO that we judge them for drinking. It is

one more thing to make us different and make fun of us for - indirectly of

course. Even if we did drink with them I know it would be held against us - I

know this. We are in a lose-lose situation but I will keep contact as long as I

see it is helping my nieces and nephews. They deserve some sanity and healthy

connection in their lives. I thank God for my family.

Just never thought things would be like this, and hoping for some good to come

out of it all. And frankly I wonder how I made it out differently? Why is my

sister so lost, controlling and emeshed with nada? How did I not know I had a

nada? It is like a really bad dream.

So glad I have this community to reach out to sometimes.

Best to everyone.

> > >

> > > Being a holiday weekend my family and I spent some time with my FOO. I

> > thought I had braced myself for it, but evidentally not enough. I am so

> > exhausted from it, as are my husband and adult children. I am still

> > struggling with accepting how mean my nada can be, and found myself

> > embarassed for my nada and NP ( or even BP) sister as they fawned over one

> > another, and my BIL. As soon as the alcohol gets flowing I know things will

> > get worse, and sure enough they did. The slights and digs are just so

> > unnecessary and foolish. I have a hard time believing it is my own mother,

> > especially since it is mostly directed at me and my husband.

> > >

> > > I also had a really hard time being at my nada's to begin with as my

> > father has only been gone now for seven months and the house is so full of

> > reminders of him. It was tough - getting slammed by my nada and sister and

> > not having dad there, and missing him so much.

> > >

> > > I am not sure how much longer I can continue this path. I have never been

> > able to imagine going NC, but I truly feel like we are in the bizarro world

> > once the alcohol gets going and the temperments get nastier. One of the only

> > reasons I feel strongly about not going NC is because I love my nieces and

> > nephews so much and want to be there for them and keep that connection, plus

> > I feel my dad would like me to keep tabs on Nada - in spite of her behavior.

> > >

> > > Wishing so darn hard things were kinder and genteler.

> > >

> > > karen

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Anne and All,

I agree with you on this point, and we actually have put our collective foot

down on the time factor this very summer. I emailed nada and sister that when we

get together at family gatherings my family can stay 3 hours max. due to my

husband's chronic pain issues. That is actually the truth, and we have tried to

be graceful about leaving early but it always feel on deaf ears- and nada would

plan gift opening at ten and dinner not until four, etc. And when someone has

chronic pain and doesn't want to draw attentiont to it,it is invisible and easy

to write off- especially if you are the " bad ones " . I decided an email would put

it in writing to both of them - eliminates miscommunicaiton or misunderstanding

in a phone call. As you can guess this went over like a lead balloon - I had to

one on one explain further to both nada and sister. Seems to have worked, but

like you both guessed, we pay for it with chat about not staying longer and

missing this and that, etc. They do their best to make us feel left out of the

reindeer games, etc.

Just seems so insane to me. I just don't get being so self centered and hurtful

and rude. I feel cheated and lied to and angry and sad and terribly disappointed

all at once. Hard to lose respect for loved ones, but respect is earned.

I am rambling now - thanks for caring.

K

> >

> > If it were me, I'd probably set the boundary that I would leave after they

> > had their first drink. is that an option for you? Would it help?

> >

> > XOXOXOXO

>