Trust, friends and BPD

September 6, 2011

I'm sorry for posting a second topic but I wanted to ask people about friends

and talking about BPD with them.

I have a trust issue and don't reach out often to people and besides my first

meeting with a therapist today haven't discussed my family issues to anyone

until this weekend where I mentioned a few of the more unusual incidences to

someone I both trust and in some senses respect. The reaction was pretty silent

with a distinct impression of wanting to run away. I understand why people would

react that way, I'm disappointed and a little angry and upset. What really hurts

is confiding then feeling alone with it again...it feels like it supports the

'don't talk about it' that has contributed to me not reaching out. What's the

best way to handle something like this?

September 6, 2011

My own personal experience is similar. I've discovered that most of the people

I have broached the subject with feel *extremely* uncomfortable if I tried to

share with them that my mother is mentally ill and committed physical abuse and

emotional abuse against me and even quasi-sexual abuse. There are only a couple

of people I consider close friends who really " get it " , and that's because they

too experienced real childhood neglect and abuse themselves.

Most people can't relate to our experiences; it seems unreal to them. Some even

think we must be exaggerating, because *everyone* has *some* problems with their

parents to some degree or another.

But most people can't conceive of a mother or father who actually harms their

own child repeatedly, or uses or exploits their own child, or abandons and

neglects their child, or treats their own child like a thing, like a toaster, or

parents who resent their child, or view their own child as a rival, or who even

brutalize their child sexually.

Or, perhaps hearing about such things is coming too close to abuse a friend

might have experienced herself, but is unable or unwilling to acknowledge even

to herself, let alone deal with.

In away, KOs are in a really uncannily similar position to soldiers who become

traumatized in war; what used to be called " shell shock " and is now

post-traumatic stress disorder. These emotionally injured soldiers discover

that when they return home, those who remained safely behind can not relate to

and do not want to hear about the horrors of war, such as being spattered with

bloody chunks of your friend's head when he got blown into fragments next to

you, and his body protected you from being wounded yourself, and the intense

shock, grief, and guilt that generates.

So former soldiers and former abused and neglected kids tend to wind up sharing

our experiences with our " tribe " because fellow survivors are the only ones

besides our therapists and closest friends who can " get it " and " handle " it.

Even so, I personally don't feel that its my friends' job to be my unpaid

therapists. My friendships are about much more than my trauma, its about

sharing being alive and going forward and enjoying the sweet things in life with

them. From my point of view, anyway. That's not to say that my friends and I

aren't emotionally supportive of each other, its just that I personally have

that boundary for myself. I don't want my friendships to be about my damage, I

want them to be about sharing joy.

So for me, support groups like this one for KOs, and real-life in-person group

therapy, and the therapeutic relationship with a psychologist (when I can afford

one)... that's where I feel I can share safely and freely some of the hideous

details of what I went through as a child and where I can share my own journey

toward healing and peace.

....because we KOs have all " been in the trenches " together.

-Annie

>

> I'm sorry for posting a second topic but I wanted to ask people about friends

and talking about BPD with them.

>

> I have a trust issue and don't reach out often to people and besides my first

meeting with a therapist today haven't discussed my family issues to anyone

until this weekend where I mentioned a few of the more unusual incidences to

someone I both trust and in some senses respect. The reaction was pretty silent

with a distinct impression of wanting to run away. I understand why people would

react that way, I'm disappointed and a little angry and upset. What really hurts

is confiding then feeling alone with it again...it feels like it supports the

'don't talk about it' that has contributed to me not reaching out. What's the

best way to handle something like this?

>

September 6, 2011

I just keep it light. People know that I'm not big on family. I change the

subject or I make jokes but I don't go into it and I also don't lie. Then,

when it feels right, or if the topic comes up, I will disclose just a tiny

tiny bit. And then I see how that goes over and then I might disclose a tiny

bit more. I usually let the other person disclose their problems to me

first, and then see, if based on their problems if they might " get it. "

My boyfriend knows everything and supports me 100 percent. My T knows a lot

- but we haven't gotten to EVERYTHING yet. In working with my T, i've been

able to put constructs, theories, and words to it that I never had before.

Those words help me describe it in a more clinical and less emotional way.

My closest friends know a little bit. The closer they are, the more they

know. Everyone has had a bad person in their life and can relate in some way

or another, I think. But if I get that pursed lips look or the " but she's

your mooooother " I clam up and just don't discuss it and then I start saying

things like " Did YOU do something nice for your mother for Mother's day? "

and then keep the conversation on them.

And then, if they press me, I'm really not above making up a total bullshit

answer. If someone won't drop the issue, I might say, " My mother died while

trying to pull a flaming car off a puppy in 1992. " and then run from the

room crying. Ha ha just kidding, I don't say that, but if someone presses me

for info, i am apt to make a totally dramatic statement, with a kernal of

truth in it, and shock the shit out of them so that they never bring it up

again.

It depends on if the person is someone you will be close to for a long time

or if they are just an annoying coworker. But really, its a great way to

weed out the rif raff (aka unsafe people)

On Tue, Sep 6, 2011 at 2:01 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

> **

>

> My own personal experience is similar. I've discovered that most of the

> people I have broached the subject with feel *extremely* uncomfortable if I

> tried to share with them that my mother is mentally ill and committed

> physical abuse and emotional abuse against me and even quasi-sexual abuse.

> There are only a couple of people I consider close friends who really " get

> it " , and that's because they too experienced real childhood neglect and

> abuse themselves.

>

> Most people can't relate to our experiences; it seems unreal to them. Some

> even think we must be exaggerating, because *everyone* has *some* problems

> with their parents to some degree or another.

>

> But most people can't conceive of a mother or father who actually harms

> their own child repeatedly, or uses or exploits their own child, or abandons

> and neglects their child, or treats their own child like a thing, like a

> toaster, or parents who resent their child, or view their own child as a

> rival, or who even brutalize their child sexually.

>

> Or, perhaps hearing about such things is coming too c ilose to abuse a

> friend might have experienced herself, but is unable or unwilling to

> acknowledge even to herself, let alone deal with.

>

> In away, KOs are in a really uncannily similar position to soldiers who

> become traumatized in war; what used to be called " shell shock " and is now

> post-traumatic stress disorder. These emotionally injured soldiers discover

> that when they return home, those who remained safely behind can not relate

> to and do not want to hear about the horrors of war, such as being spattered

> with bloody chunks of your friend's head when he got blown into fragments

> next to you, and his body protected you from being wounded yourself, and the

> intense shock, grief, and guilt that generates.

>

> So former soldiers and former abused and neglected kids tend to wind up

> sharing our experiences with our " tribe " because fellow survivors are the

> only ones besides our therapists and closest friends who can " get it " and

> " handle " it.

>

> Even so, I personally don't feel that its my friends' job to be my unpaid

> therapists. My friendships are about much more than my trauma, its about

> sharing being alive and going forward and enjoying the sweet things in life

> with them. From my point of view, anyway. That's not to say that my friends

> and I aren't emotionally supportive of each other, its just that I

> personally have that boundary for myself. I don't want my friendships to be

> about my damage, I want them to be about sharing joy.

>

> So for me, support groups like this one for KOs, and real-life in-person

> group therapy, and the therapeutic relationship with a psychologist (when I

> can afford one)... that's where I feel I can share safely and freely some of

> the hideous details of what I went through as a child and where I can share

> my own journey toward healing and peace.

>

> ...because we KOs have all " been in the trenches " together.

>

> -Annie

>

> >

> > I'm sorry for posting a second topic but I wanted to ask people about

> friends and talking about BPD with them.

> >

> > I have a trust issue and don't reach out often to people and besides my

> first meeting with a therapist today haven't discussed my family issues to

> anyone until this weekend where I mentioned a few of the more unusual

> incidences to someone I both trust and in some senses respect. The reaction

> was pretty silent with a distinct impression of wanting to run away. I

> understand why people would react that way, I'm disappointed and a little

> angry and upset. What really hurts is confiding then feeling alone with it

> again...it feels like it supports the 'don't talk about it' that has

> contributed to me not reaching out. What's the best way to handle something

> like this?

> >

>

September 6, 2011

After my nada's psychotic episode in December, I came home to celebrate the new

year with some friends, and I mentioned to them what had happened. They both

were very quiet and saying stuff like " that's awful " (they were sincere) but I

think they just didn't know what to say. I mean, how would you know what to say?

How many people have mentally ill parents?

A few people I have shared with have been disasters, like my former boss. I

didn't mean to tell her, but it was affecting my work so much that I had to

explain to her what was going on and ask for some latitude in my work schedule

to deal with my resulting anxiety and the need to get help. Fortunately, I had a

work program that was there to help me deal with that--it's meant to help

employees stay productive during stressful times, etc.

I also try not to discuss her condition with people who aren't very close to me.

If pressed (I hate lying), I say something like, " my mother has some mental

health issues that prevent us from having a normal relationship. It's sad, but

that's the way it is. " Honestly, that usually shuts people up pretty quickly.

They might say, " oh, I'm sorry " but then they change the subject.

My significant other knows a lot of my back story, but not all of it. Our

relationship is more based on being in the present than planning for the future

or dwelling on the past, but we have both had bad times resulting from family

drama, so he knows a lot of my story, but certainly not all. How could he when I

don't even know it all with all my selective amnesia?

A few weeks ago a co-worker who has become my drinking buddy and I were having a

discussion about child-rearing and other things and some how we started

discussing mental illnesses and I told him about my nada. Apparently his

grandmother was BPD, and he remembered how it was for his father so he totally

understood what I lived through. In fact, his jaw dropped when I told him and he

was astonished. He wasn't surprised that I was NC because that is what his

father had to do. It was nice to talk to someone who understood it and didn't

judge me for it. But he and I were becoming good friends (and he has Crohn's

Disease so he sort of understands having these problems that no one else has),

and I felt safe discussing it. That's always the biggest question: do you feel

safe discussing it with them?