Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Hi all, I've been going to counseling since May, and it helped a lot at first. But as time goes on--it's not helping me very much anymore. So...how do you tell your counselor that? " I'm sorry, you're not helping anymore, I'm going to take a break. " That sounds too blunt. I know it's a professional relationship, but also there's my worrying self that doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Do you guys have any suggestions? For the back story/reasoning: The biggest reason why I want to quit going to counseling (for now) is that the counselor keeps making me worry that perhaps I'm the crazy one. I don't think she really understands what it's like to have a BPD father. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I keep getting this feeling that she just doesn't understand over the last few weeks. Last week I talked about something my fada would sometimes do for my mom--it seemed nice on the surface (a head massage) and I explained why it felt odd to me, why I was repulsed by it. Fada, when he started working from home, would sit down on the couch with his laptop and big pile of papers next to him. My mom was busy doing everything around the house (homeschooling, chores, etc) when fada told her to come, sit down--indicating a spot on the floor where he could easily reach her head and " massage " it. I just had this overwhelming sensation that my dad was treating my mom like a dog--they have a dog that sits in the exact same spot and likes his hair touseled--and my fada was tousling my mom's hair like a dog. I told the counselor how that bothered me, and she said that actually sounds kind of nice--a head massage. And she couldn't see what was wrong with the scene--I started worrying, oh no, maybe I really am making mountains out of molehills with my fada! Maybe I'm the crazy one! So I had to really explain why it was so odd to me. Dad was still working on his stuff and only half paying attention to my mom. I think he just wanted her nearby. And because my mom was stuck there--she couldn't get up without making fada feel offended (What, you don't want a head massage? *pouts* That's okay...I know you're too busy for me.) or having fada use it against her later on (You don't like me, do you?). With her stuck there--I ended up being the substitute mom to my siblings for a while--their homeschool, their chores, their diapers, etc. Anyway--it took a while to explain it all to her, why that felt so weird to me, but by the end of the hour I still don't think she understood, and that wasn't the first time I left her office worrying that I was the crazy one. So, I'm wanting to take a break and maybe later on find a different counselor better suited to my situation. Thanks, Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Your reason sounds perfectly legitimate to me; it sounds like your therapist may not be experienced or trained in dealing with the adult survivors of child abuse or trauma recovery. You could just say that you need a break from therapy for a while, and then interview some other therapists until you find one who is a better match for you. -Annie > > Hi all, > > I've been going to counseling since May, and it helped a lot at first. But as time goes on--it's not helping me very much anymore. So...how do you tell your counselor that? " I'm sorry, you're not helping anymore, I'm going to take a break. " That sounds too blunt. I know it's a professional relationship, but also there's my worrying self that doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Do you guys have any suggestions? > > For the back story/reasoning: > > The biggest reason why I want to quit going to counseling (for now) is that the counselor keeps making me worry that perhaps I'm the crazy one. I don't think she really understands what it's like to have a BPD father. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I keep getting this feeling that she just doesn't understand over the last few weeks. > > Last week I talked about something my fada would sometimes do for my mom--it seemed nice on the surface (a head massage) and I explained why it felt odd to me, why I was repulsed by it. Fada, when he started working from home, would sit down on the couch with his laptop and big pile of papers next to him. My mom was busy doing everything around the house (homeschooling, chores, etc) when fada told her to come, sit down--indicating a spot on the floor where he could easily reach her head and " massage " it. I just had this overwhelming sensation that my dad was treating my mom like a dog--they have a dog that sits in the exact same spot and likes his hair touseled--and my fada was tousling my mom's hair like a dog. > > I told the counselor how that bothered me, and she said that actually sounds kind of nice--a head massage. And she couldn't see what was wrong with the scene--I started worrying, oh no, maybe I really am making mountains out of molehills with my fada! Maybe I'm the crazy one! > > So I had to really explain why it was so odd to me. Dad was still working on his stuff and only half paying attention to my mom. I think he just wanted her nearby. And because my mom was stuck there--she couldn't get up without making fada feel offended (What, you don't want a head massage? *pouts* That's okay...I know you're too busy for me.) or having fada use it against her later on (You don't like me, do you?). With her stuck there--I ended up being the substitute mom to my siblings for a while--their homeschool, their chores, their diapers, etc. > > Anyway--it took a while to explain it all to her, why that felt so weird to me, but by the end of the hour I still don't think she understood, and that wasn't the first time I left her office worrying that I was the crazy one. So, I'm wanting to take a break and maybe later on find a different counselor better suited to my situation. > > Thanks, > Holly > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Thanks, Annie--taking a break sounds like the best way to explain it to her. I certainly will be doing more research the next time I need therapy--I happened upon her because I was in kind of a " crisis " mode, still struggling with severe depression last winter. Now that I have time on my side, it'll be easier to interview other therapists. Holly On Tue, Sep 6, 2011 at 3:05 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > ** > > > Your reason sounds perfectly legitimate to me; it sounds like your > therapist may not be experienced or trained in dealing with the adult > survivors of child abuse or trauma recovery. You could just say that you > need a break from therapy for a while, and then interview some other > therapists until you find one who is a better match for you. > > -Annie > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > I've been going to counseling since May, and it helped a lot at first. > But as time goes on--it's not helping me very much anymore. So...how do you > tell your counselor that? " I'm sorry, you're not helping anymore, I'm going > to take a break. " That sounds too blunt. I know it's a professional > relationship, but also there's my worrying self that doesn't want to hurt > her feelings. Do you guys have any suggestions? > > > > For the back story/reasoning: > > > > The biggest reason why I want to quit going to counseling (for now) is > that the counselor keeps making me worry that perhaps I'm the crazy one. I > don't think she really understands what it's like to have a BPD father. > Maybe I'm overreacting, but I keep getting this feeling that she just > doesn't understand over the last few weeks. > > > > Last week I talked about something my fada would sometimes do for my > mom--it seemed nice on the surface (a head massage) and I explained why it > felt odd to me, why I was repulsed by it. Fada, when he started working from > home, would sit down on the couch with his laptop and big pile of papers > next to him. My mom was busy doing everything around the house > (homeschooling, chores, etc) when fada told her to come, sit > down--indicating a spot on the floor where he could easily reach her head > and " massage " it. I just had this overwhelming sensation that my dad was > treating my mom like a dog--they have a dog that sits in the exact same spot > and likes his hair touseled--and my fada was tousling my mom's hair like a > dog. > > > > I told the counselor how that bothered me, and she said that actually > sounds kind of nice--a head massage. And she couldn't see what was wrong > with the scene--I started worrying, oh no, maybe I really am making > mountains out of molehills with my fada! Maybe I'm the crazy one! > > > > So I had to really explain why it was so odd to me. Dad was still working > on his stuff and only half paying attention to my mom. I think he just > wanted her nearby. And because my mom was stuck there--she couldn't get up > without making fada feel offended (What, you don't want a head massage? > *pouts* That's okay...I know you're too busy for me.) or having fada use it > against her later on (You don't like me, do you?). With her stuck there--I > ended up being the substitute mom to my siblings for a while--their > homeschool, their chores, their diapers, etc. > > > > Anyway--it took a while to explain it all to her, why that felt so weird > to me, but by the end of the hour I still don't think she understood, and > that wasn't the first time I left her office worrying that I was the crazy > one. So, I'm wanting to take a break and maybe later on find a different > counselor better suited to my situation. > > > > Thanks, > > Holly > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 You know, it's so weird about therapists. I don't think my therapist (who I had to leave when I moved) had any real experience with BPD but he was very intelligent and he specialized in people with anxiety and depression, and he also understood that I had been through a traumatic childhood. In fact, he had to point it out to me whenever I would tell a story. I had told him that I was learning stuff on this forum, and he thought it was good I was " taking care of myself " . What was important was that he knew that my therapy needed to be about me and not analyzing my nada but how her actions, etc., made me feel and how I was feeling and ways to have a sense of control over my life. He acknowledged that probably something had happened to nada and that she was mentally unhealthy, but his ability to help me wasn't encumbered by his lack of knowledge about BPD. I bet a person can have all the qualifications in the world, and still be a bad fit as a therapist for you (or me). I'm not discouraging you from seeking someone with experience with BPD, etc., just sharing my experience with my therapist. I really thought I needed to find someone who understood BPD, but in the end, I discovered I just needed to find someone who understood childhood trauma, PTSD, depression, and anxiety, who was sympathetic and thoughtful. I was sad to leave my therapist, but I know that it was a beneficial relationship for both of us. I got the feeling that he was learning a lot working with me and helping me find my way. Certainly it sounds like your therapist was not considering your background in making those statements, but it also just seems weird. I'm not a therapist and even I wouldn't approach your story that way. I think my first comment, just as a friend listening to you vent, would say " why do you think that made you uncomfortable? " Because it's about your feelings, not about whether or not it was a nice thing for your fada to do. Yeah, sounds like this person maybe isn't the right fit for you. I remember my therapist once asked me if I thought that I was coming to therapy to be " fixed " , and I was like, well, yeah, everyone else had normal childhoods but I didn't and I'm broken. And I had to learn that I really couldn't be fixed. That it's not a process of fixing but a process of growing and nurturing. I think that's what makes therapy so hard. Sometimes you feel like nothing is happening, like when you plant a seed and keep watering and feeding it, but then in a few weeks or even a month, finally you see a sprout. I digress. Good luck finding a new therapist. > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > > > I've been going to counseling since May, and it helped a lot at first. > > But as time goes on--it's not helping me very much anymore. So...how do you > > tell your counselor that? " I'm sorry, you're not helping anymore, I'm going > > to take a break. " That sounds too blunt. I know it's a professional > > relationship, but also there's my worrying self that doesn't want to hurt > > her feelings. Do you guys have any suggestions? > > > > > > For the back story/reasoning: > > > > > > The biggest reason why I want to quit going to counseling (for now) is > > that the counselor keeps making me worry that perhaps I'm the crazy one. I > > don't think she really understands what it's like to have a BPD father. > > Maybe I'm overreacting, but I keep getting this feeling that she just > > doesn't understand over the last few weeks. > > > > > > Last week I talked about something my fada would sometimes do for my > > mom--it seemed nice on the surface (a head massage) and I explained why it > > felt odd to me, why I was repulsed by it. Fada, when he started working from > > home, would sit down on the couch with his laptop and big pile of papers > > next to him. My mom was busy doing everything around the house > > (homeschooling, chores, etc) when fada told her to come, sit > > down--indicating a spot on the floor where he could easily reach her head > > and " massage " it. I just had this overwhelming sensation that my dad was > > treating my mom like a dog--they have a dog that sits in the exact same spot > > and likes his hair touseled--and my fada was tousling my mom's hair like a > > dog. > > > > > > I told the counselor how that bothered me, and she said that actually > > sounds kind of nice--a head massage. And she couldn't see what was wrong > > with the scene--I started worrying, oh no, maybe I really am making > > mountains out of molehills with my fada! Maybe I'm the crazy one! > > > > > > So I had to really explain why it was so odd to me. Dad was still working > > on his stuff and only half paying attention to my mom. I think he just > > wanted her nearby. And because my mom was stuck there--she couldn't get up > > without making fada feel offended (What, you don't want a head massage? > > *pouts* That's okay...I know you're too busy for me.) or having fada use it > > against her later on (You don't like me, do you?). With her stuck there--I > > ended up being the substitute mom to my siblings for a while--their > > homeschool, their chores, their diapers, etc. > > > > > > Anyway--it took a while to explain it all to her, why that felt so weird > > to me, but by the end of the hour I still don't think she understood, and > > that wasn't the first time I left her office worrying that I was the crazy > > one. So, I'm wanting to take a break and maybe later on find a different > > counselor better suited to my situation. > > > > > > Thanks, > > > Holly > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Thanks, , for sharing your experience with your therapy--I will certainly keep that in mind. I just was having a hard time really trusting her and found myself, on several occasions, having to phrase things carefully so she wouldn't take it the wrong way (as previous experience showed me). I just wasn't clicking with her. She helped a lot at first, but when I started feeling like I needed to protect myself again, that's when I started realizing it's time to either take a break or find a new counselor. There's a couple of different counseling centers I'm going to take a look at--and my insurance's coverage of therapy is pretty good (thank God!) so I have actually a pretty good selection of counselors to choose from. And I certainly will take my time in deciding this time around. Holly > ** > > > You know, it's so weird about therapists. I don't think my therapist (who I > had to leave when I moved) had any real experience with BPD but he was very > intelligent and he specialized in people with anxiety and depression, and he > also understood that I had been through a traumatic childhood. In fact, he > had to point it out to me whenever I would tell a story. I had told him that > I was learning stuff on this forum, and he thought it was good I was " taking > care of myself " . What was important was that he knew that my therapy needed > to be about me and not analyzing my nada but how her actions, etc., made me > feel and how I was feeling and ways to have a sense of control over my life. > He acknowledged that probably something had happened to nada and that she > was mentally unhealthy, but his ability to help me wasn't encumbered by his > lack of knowledge about BPD. > > I bet a person can have all the qualifications in the world, and still be a > bad fit as a therapist for you (or me). I'm not discouraging you from > seeking someone with experience with BPD, etc., just sharing my experience > with my therapist. I really thought I needed to find someone who understood > BPD, but in the end, I discovered I just needed to find someone who > understood childhood trauma, PTSD, depression, and anxiety, who was > sympathetic and thoughtful. I was sad to leave my therapist, but I know that > it was a beneficial relationship for both of us. I got the feeling that he > was learning a lot working with me and helping me find my way. > > Certainly it sounds like your therapist was not considering your background > in making those statements, but it also just seems weird. I'm not a > therapist and even I wouldn't approach your story that way. I think my first > comment, just as a friend listening to you vent, would say " why do you think > that made you uncomfortable? " Because it's about your feelings, not about > whether or not it was a nice thing for your fada to do. Yeah, sounds like > this person maybe isn't the right fit for you. > > I remember my therapist once asked me if I thought that I was coming to > therapy to be " fixed " , and I was like, well, yeah, everyone else had normal > childhoods but I didn't and I'm broken. And I had to learn that I really > couldn't be fixed. That it's not a process of fixing but a process of > growing and nurturing. I think that's what makes therapy so hard. Sometimes > you feel like nothing is happening, like when you plant a seed and keep > watering and feeding it, but then in a few weeks or even a month, finally > you see a sprout. > > I digress. Good luck finding a new therapist. > > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > > > > > I've been going to counseling since May, and it helped a lot at > first. > > > But as time goes on--it's not helping me very much anymore. So...how do > you > > > tell your counselor that? " I'm sorry, you're not helping anymore, I'm > going > > > to take a break. " That sounds too blunt. I know it's a professional > > > relationship, but also there's my worrying self that doesn't want to > hurt > > > her feelings. Do you guys have any suggestions? > > > > > > > > For the back story/reasoning: > > > > > > > > The biggest reason why I want to quit going to counseling (for now) > is > > > that the counselor keeps making me worry that perhaps I'm the crazy > one. I > > > don't think she really understands what it's like to have a BPD father. > > > Maybe I'm overreacting, but I keep getting this feeling that she just > > > doesn't understand over the last few weeks. > > > > > > > > Last week I talked about something my fada would sometimes do for my > > > mom--it seemed nice on the surface (a head massage) and I explained why > it > > > felt odd to me, why I was repulsed by it. Fada, when he started working > from > > > home, would sit down on the couch with his laptop and big pile of > papers > > > next to him. My mom was busy doing everything around the house > > > (homeschooling, chores, etc) when fada told her to come, sit > > > down--indicating a spot on the floor where he could easily reach her > head > > > and " massage " it. I just had this overwhelming sensation that my dad > was > > > treating my mom like a dog--they have a dog that sits in the exact same > spot > > > and likes his hair touseled--and my fada was tousling my mom's hair > like a > > > dog. > > > > > > > > I told the counselor how that bothered me, and she said that actually > > > sounds kind of nice--a head massage. And she couldn't see what was > wrong > > > with the scene--I started worrying, oh no, maybe I really am making > > > mountains out of molehills with my fada! Maybe I'm the crazy one! > > > > > > > > So I had to really explain why it was so odd to me. Dad was still > working > > > on his stuff and only half paying attention to my mom. I think he just > > > wanted her nearby. And because my mom was stuck there--she couldn't get > up > > > without making fada feel offended (What, you don't want a head massage? > > > *pouts* That's okay...I know you're too busy for me.) or having fada > use it > > > against her later on (You don't like me, do you?). With her stuck > there--I > > > ended up being the substitute mom to my siblings for a while--their > > > homeschool, their chores, their diapers, etc. > > > > > > > > Anyway--it took a while to explain it all to her, why that felt so > weird > > > to me, but by the end of the hour I still don't think she understood, > and > > > that wasn't the first time I left her office worrying that I was the > crazy > > > one. So, I'm wanting to take a break and maybe later on find a > different > > > counselor better suited to my situation. > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > Holly > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 I support you in looking around. It sounds like your T is not getting it. I can't imagine paying and then leaving feeling - not like you didn't explain well - but like your T couldn't comprehend the dimensions of yuck. I would get that immediately, a borderline narc saying sit here etc. My nada used to be cruel to me and then grab me and pull me into her lap. Saying no or running would lead to punishment, so I would just go very very stiff and sort of " dead " and unresponsive. She would then say " you are prickly, you spiny thing " and let me go. to The fact is, its perfectly healthy not to want to sit on your abusers lap. But if my T didn't get that stuff, I'd move on too. Good luck and hugs, I like your explanation a lot. If it is too scary to say that, use money as an excuse Maybe I shouldn't encourage you to lie, but that's always a good out. Another one that I use, is that, since i am 21 months sober, I will say I can't go to X party because I will be tempted to drink. Its not really true, I've only felt the temptation a few times, I usually just have better things to do, but its a great out because what the hell can you say to " I need you to support me in being sober. " " I can't afford it " is also one of those things that people just can't question. . . Anyway, I think a made up excuse is within your rights as well. And now I feel really guilty for admitting that I play the money or the sober card to get out of obligations - I've also said - esp at work " I'm sorry, i would come but I just don't want to. " ha ha that one people also don't argue with, but it depends on who you are talking to and what it is you are trying to avoid. XOXO > ** > > > You know, it's so weird about therapists. I don't think my therapist (who I > had to leave when I moved) had any real experience with BPD but he was very > intelligent and he specialized in people with anxiety and depression, and he > also understood that I had been through a traumatic childhood. In fact, he > had to point it out to me whenever I would tell a story. I had told him that > I was learning stuff on this forum, and he thought it was good I was " taking > care of myself " . What was important was that he knew that my therapy needed > to be about me and not analyzing my nada but how her actions, etc., made me > feel and how I was feeling and ways to have a sense of control over my life. > He acknowledged that probably something had happened to nada and that she > was mentally unhealthy, but his ability to help me wasn't encumbered by his > lack of knowledge about BPD. > > I bet a person can have all the qualifications in the world, and still be a > bad fit as a therapist for you (or me). I'm not discouraging you from > seeking someone with experience with BPD, etc., just sharing my experience > with my therapist. I really thought I needed to find someone who understood > BPD, but in the end, I discovered I just needed to find someone who > understood childhood trauma, PTSD, depression, and anxiety, who was > sympathetic and thoughtful. I was sad to leave my therapist, but I know that > it was a beneficial relationship for both of us. I got the feeling that he > was learning a lot working with me and helping me find my way. > > Certainly it sounds like your therapist was not considering your background > in making those statements, but it also just seems weird. I'm not a > therapist and even I wouldn't approach your story that way. I think my first > comment, just as a friend listening to you vent, would say " why do you think > that made you uncomfortable? " Because it's about your feelings, not about > whether or not it was a nice thing for your fada to do. Yeah, sounds like > this person maybe isn't the right fit for you. > > I remember my therapist once asked me if I thought that I was coming to > therapy to be " fixed " , and I was like, well, yeah, everyone else had normal > childhoods but I didn't and I'm broken. And I had to learn that I really > couldn't be fixed. That it's not a process of fixing but a process of > growing and nurturing. I think that's what makes therapy so hard. Sometimes > you feel like nothing is happening, like when you plant a seed and keep > watering and feeding it, but then in a few weeks or even a month, finally > you see a sprout. > > I digress. Good luck finding a new therapist. > > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > > > > > I've been going to counseling since May, and it helped a lot at > first. > > > But as time goes on--it's not helping me very much anymore. So...how do > you > > > tell your counselor that? " I'm sorry, you're not helping anymore, I'm > going > > > to take a break. " That sounds too blunt. I know it's a professional > > > relationship, but also there's my worrying self that doesn't want to > hurt > > > her feelings. Do you guys have any suggestions? > > > > > > > > For the back story/reasoning: > > > > > > > > The biggest reason why I want to quit going to counseling (for now) > is > > > that the counselor keeps making me worry that perhaps I'm the crazy > one. I > > > don't think she really understands what it's like to have a BPD father. > > > Maybe I'm overreacting, but I keep getting this feeling that she just > > > doesn't understand over the last few weeks. > > > > > > > > Last week I talked about something my fada would sometimes do for my > > > mom--it seemed nice on the surface (a head massage) and I explained why > it > > > felt odd to me, why I was repulsed by it. Fada, when he started working > from > > > home, would sit down on the couch with his laptop and big pile of > papers > > > next to him. My mom was busy doing everything around the house > > > (homeschooling, chores, etc) when fada told her to come, sit > > > down--indicating a spot on the floor where he could easily reach her > head > > > and " massage " it. I just had this overwhelming sensation that my dad > was > > > treating my mom like a dog--they have a dog that sits in the exact same > spot > > > and likes his hair touseled--and my fada was tousling my mom's hair > like a > > > dog. > > > > > > > > I told the counselor how that bothered me, and she said that actually > > > sounds kind of nice--a head massage. And she couldn't see what was > wrong > > > with the scene--I started worrying, oh no, maybe I really am making > > > mountains out of molehills with my fada! Maybe I'm the crazy one! > > > > > > > > So I had to really explain why it was so odd to me. Dad was still > working > > > on his stuff and only half paying attention to my mom. I think he just > > > wanted her nearby. And because my mom was stuck there--she couldn't get > up > > > without making fada feel offended (What, you don't want a head massage? > > > *pouts* That's okay...I know you're too busy for me.) or having fada > use it > > > against her later on (You don't like me, do you?). With her stuck > there--I > > > ended up being the substitute mom to my siblings for a while--their > > > homeschool, their chores, their diapers, etc. > > > > > > > > Anyway--it took a while to explain it all to her, why that felt so > weird > > > to me, but by the end of the hour I still don't think she understood, > and > > > that wasn't the first time I left her office worrying that I was the > crazy > > > one. So, I'm wanting to take a break and maybe later on find a > different > > > counselor better suited to my situation. > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > Holly > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 LOL, money's always a really good excuse I also use school as an excuse a lot--I mean, working FT and going to grad school nearly FT sounds like a lot to do. So, a personal break and a school-related break. Yeah, I can do that. lol. And yeah, you're right on the head with the whole borderline narc--and something my T just doesn't get. I'm glad you guys on here " get it. " DH gets it too, thankfully, and so did some of my friends on FB. Time to go T shopping! On Tue, Sep 6, 2011 at 3:34 PM, Girlscout Cowboy <girlscout.cowboy@... > wrote: > I support you in looking around. It sounds like your T is not getting it. I > can't imagine paying and then leaving feeling - not like you didn't explain > well - but like your T couldn't comprehend the dimensions of yuck. I would > get that immediately, a borderline narc saying sit here etc. My nada used > to > be cruel to me and then grab me and pull me into her lap. Saying no or > running would lead to punishment, so I would just go very very stiff and > sort of " dead " and unresponsive. She would then say " you are prickly, you > spiny thing " and let me go. to The fact is, its perfectly healthy not to > want to sit on your abusers lap. But if my T didn't get that stuff, I'd > move > on too. > > Good luck and hugs, I like your explanation a lot. If it is too scary to > say > that, use money as an excuse Maybe I shouldn't encourage you to lie, but > that's always a good out. Another one that I use, is that, since i am 21 > months sober, I will say I can't go to X party because I will be tempted to > drink. Its not really true, I've only felt the temptation a few times, I > usually just have better things to do, but its a great out because what the > hell can you say to " I need you to support me in being sober. " " I can't > afford it " is also one of those things that people just can't question. . . > Anyway, I think a made up excuse is within your rights as well. And now I > feel really guilty for admitting that I play the money or the sober card to > get out of obligations - I've also said - esp at work " I'm sorry, i would > come but I just don't want to. " ha ha that one people also don't argue > with, > but it depends on who you are talking to and what it is you are trying to > avoid. > XOXO > > > > > ** > > > > > > You know, it's so weird about therapists. I don't think my therapist (who > I > > had to leave when I moved) had any real experience with BPD but he was > very > > intelligent and he specialized in people with anxiety and depression, and > he > > also understood that I had been through a traumatic childhood. In fact, > he > > had to point it out to me whenever I would tell a story. I had told him > that > > I was learning stuff on this forum, and he thought it was good I was > " taking > > care of myself " . What was important was that he knew that my therapy > needed > > to be about me and not analyzing my nada but how her actions, etc., made > me > > feel and how I was feeling and ways to have a sense of control over my > life. > > He acknowledged that probably something had happened to nada and that she > > was mentally unhealthy, but his ability to help me wasn't encumbered by > his > > lack of knowledge about BPD. > > > > I bet a person can have all the qualifications in the world, and still be > a > > bad fit as a therapist for you (or me). I'm not discouraging you from > > seeking someone with experience with BPD, etc., just sharing my > experience > > with my therapist. I really thought I needed to find someone who > understood > > BPD, but in the end, I discovered I just needed to find someone who > > understood childhood trauma, PTSD, depression, and anxiety, who was > > sympathetic and thoughtful. I was sad to leave my therapist, but I know > that > > it was a beneficial relationship for both of us. I got the feeling that > he > > was learning a lot working with me and helping me find my way. > > > > Certainly it sounds like your therapist was not considering your > background > > in making those statements, but it also just seems weird. I'm not a > > therapist and even I wouldn't approach your story that way. I think my > first > > comment, just as a friend listening to you vent, would say " why do you > think > > that made you uncomfortable? " Because it's about your feelings, not about > > whether or not it was a nice thing for your fada to do. Yeah, sounds like > > this person maybe isn't the right fit for you. > > > > I remember my therapist once asked me if I thought that I was coming to > > therapy to be " fixed " , and I was like, well, yeah, everyone else had > normal > > childhoods but I didn't and I'm broken. And I had to learn that I really > > couldn't be fixed. That it's not a process of fixing but a process of > > growing and nurturing. I think that's what makes therapy so hard. > Sometimes > > you feel like nothing is happening, like when you plant a seed and keep > > watering and feeding it, but then in a few weeks or even a month, finally > > you see a sprout. > > > > I digress. Good luck finding a new therapist. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > > > > > > > I've been going to counseling since May, and it helped a lot at > > first. > > > > But as time goes on--it's not helping me very much anymore. So...how > do > > you > > > > tell your counselor that? " I'm sorry, you're not helping anymore, I'm > > going > > > > to take a break. " That sounds too blunt. I know it's a professional > > > > relationship, but also there's my worrying self that doesn't want to > > hurt > > > > her feelings. Do you guys have any suggestions? > > > > > > > > > > For the back story/reasoning: > > > > > > > > > > The biggest reason why I want to quit going to counseling (for now) > > is > > > > that the counselor keeps making me worry that perhaps I'm the crazy > > one. I > > > > don't think she really understands what it's like to have a BPD > father. > > > > Maybe I'm overreacting, but I keep getting this feeling that she just > > > > doesn't understand over the last few weeks. > > > > > > > > > > Last week I talked about something my fada would sometimes do for > my > > > > mom--it seemed nice on the surface (a head massage) and I explained > why > > it > > > > felt odd to me, why I was repulsed by it. Fada, when he started > working > > from > > > > home, would sit down on the couch with his laptop and big pile of > > papers > > > > next to him. My mom was busy doing everything around the house > > > > (homeschooling, chores, etc) when fada told her to come, sit > > > > down--indicating a spot on the floor where he could easily reach her > > head > > > > and " massage " it. I just had this overwhelming sensation that my dad > > was > > > > treating my mom like a dog--they have a dog that sits in the exact > same > > spot > > > > and likes his hair touseled--and my fada was tousling my mom's hair > > like a > > > > dog. > > > > > > > > > > I told the counselor how that bothered me, and she said that > actually > > > > sounds kind of nice--a head massage. And she couldn't see what was > > wrong > > > > with the scene--I started worrying, oh no, maybe I really am making > > > > mountains out of molehills with my fada! Maybe I'm the crazy one! > > > > > > > > > > So I had to really explain why it was so odd to me. Dad was still > > working > > > > on his stuff and only half paying attention to my mom. I think he > just > > > > wanted her nearby. And because my mom was stuck there--she couldn't > get > > up > > > > without making fada feel offended (What, you don't want a head > massage? > > > > *pouts* That's okay...I know you're too busy for me.) or having fada > > use it > > > > against her later on (You don't like me, do you?). With her stuck > > there--I > > > > ended up being the substitute mom to my siblings for a while--their > > > > homeschool, their chores, their diapers, etc. > > > > > > > > > > Anyway--it took a while to explain it all to her, why that felt so > > weird > > > > to me, but by the end of the hour I still don't think she understood, > > and > > > > that wasn't the first time I left her office worrying that I was the > > crazy > > > > one. So, I'm wanting to take a break and maybe later on find a > > different > > > > counselor better suited to my situation. > > > > > > > > > > Thanks, > > > > > Holly > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Holly, you are no more crazy that the rest of us. BTW, everyone is crazy Trust me on this one; even the " normal " people are crazy. All of us are crazy in different ways, but we are all crazy. So stop worrying. Time to try a different therapist; I totally agree. Every therapist has his or her style and that style is never a universal fit for all. It sounds like this therapist is taking a CBT approach when you need a approach that is more validation, like pychodynamic therapy or Transactional Analysis. Many therapist only do CBT and think that is the only way to freedom. CBT is not the best method for us in the beginning, because above all, we need validation. We have never been validated. I need over a year of validation before CBT could work for me. However, CBT will just cause us more self doubt if it is used too soon in the therapeutic relationship, because it is designed to " Challenge " you beliefs. You know what is best for you. Trust your gut and follow your heart. It took courage to confront your therapist and fire her. You did the right thing. Take a break and take care for yourself, then give it another try with a different therapist when you are ready. Good job Holly! > > Hi all, > > I've been going to counseling since May, and it helped a lot at first. But as time goes on--it's not helping me very much anymore. So...how do you tell your counselor that? " I'm sorry, you're not helping anymore, I'm going to take a break. " That sounds too blunt. I know it's a professional relationship, but also there's my worrying self that doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Do you guys have any suggestions? > > For the back story/reasoning: > > The biggest reason why I want to quit going to counseling (for now) is that the counselor keeps making me worry that perhaps I'm the crazy one. I don't think she really understands what it's like to have a BPD father. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I keep getting this feeling that she just doesn't understand over the last few weeks. > > Last week I talked about something my fada would sometimes do for my mom--it seemed nice on the surface (a head massage) and I explained why it felt odd to me, why I was repulsed by it. Fada, when he started working from home, would sit down on the couch with his laptop and big pile of papers next to him. My mom was busy doing everything around the house (homeschooling, chores, etc) when fada told her to come, sit down--indicating a spot on the floor where he could easily reach her head and " massage " it. I just had this overwhelming sensation that my dad was treating my mom like a dog--they have a dog that sits in the exact same spot and likes his hair touseled--and my fada was tousling my mom's hair like a dog. > > I told the counselor how that bothered me, and she said that actually sounds kind of nice--a head massage. And she couldn't see what was wrong with the scene--I started worrying, oh no, maybe I really am making mountains out of molehills with my fada! Maybe I'm the crazy one! > > So I had to really explain why it was so odd to me. Dad was still working on his stuff and only half paying attention to my mom. I think he just wanted her nearby. And because my mom was stuck there--she couldn't get up without making fada feel offended (What, you don't want a head massage? *pouts* That's okay...I know you're too busy for me.) or having fada use it against her later on (You don't like me, do you?). With her stuck there--I ended up being the substitute mom to my siblings for a while--their homeschool, their chores, their diapers, etc. > > Anyway--it took a while to explain it all to her, why that felt so weird to me, but by the end of the hour I still don't think she understood, and that wasn't the first time I left her office worrying that I was the crazy one. So, I'm wanting to take a break and maybe later on find a different counselor better suited to my situation. > > Thanks, > Holly > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Thanks, pdff, for your input! I didn't realize what kind of approach she was doing until you pointed it out. (I still don't really know what CBT is, so I will have to read up about it.) It might be more useful down the road, but certainly not now. But now I know what to look for and what to avoid for my next therapist. > ** > > > Holly, you are no more crazy that the rest of us. BTW, everyone is crazy > Trust me on this one; even the " normal " people are crazy. All of us are > crazy in different ways, but we are all crazy. So stop worrying. > > Time to try a different therapist; I totally agree. Every therapist has his > or her style and that style is never a universal fit for all. It sounds like > this therapist is taking a CBT approach when you need a approach that is > more validation, like pychodynamic therapy or Transactional Analysis. Many > therapist only do CBT and think that is the only way to freedom. CBT is not > the best method for us in the beginning, because above all, we need > validation. We have never been validated. I need over a year of validation > before CBT could work for me. However, CBT will just cause us more self > doubt if it is used too soon in the therapeutic relationship, because it is > designed to " Challenge " you beliefs. > > You know what is best for you. Trust your gut and follow your heart. It > took courage to confront your therapist and fire her. You did the right > thing. Take a break and take care for yourself, then give it another try > with a different therapist when you are ready. > > Good job Holly! > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > I've been going to counseling since May, and it helped a lot at first. > But as time goes on--it's not helping me very much anymore. So...how do you > tell your counselor that? " I'm sorry, you're not helping anymore, I'm going > to take a break. " That sounds too blunt. I know it's a professional > relationship, but also there's my worrying self that doesn't want to hurt > her feelings. Do you guys have any suggestions? > > > > For the back story/reasoning: > > > > The biggest reason why I want to quit going to counseling (for now) is > that the counselor keeps making me worry that perhaps I'm the crazy one. I > don't think she really understands what it's like to have a BPD father. > Maybe I'm overreacting, but I keep getting this feeling that she just > doesn't understand over the last few weeks. > > > > Last week I talked about something my fada would sometimes do for my > mom--it seemed nice on the surface (a head massage) and I explained why it > felt odd to me, why I was repulsed by it. Fada, when he started working from > home, would sit down on the couch with his laptop and big pile of papers > next to him. My mom was busy doing everything around the house > (homeschooling, chores, etc) when fada told her to come, sit > down--indicating a spot on the floor where he could easily reach her head > and " massage " it. I just had this overwhelming sensation that my dad was > treating my mom like a dog--they have a dog that sits in the exact same spot > and likes his hair touseled--and my fada was tousling my mom's hair like a > dog. > > > > I told the counselor how that bothered me, and she said that actually > sounds kind of nice--a head massage. And she couldn't see what was wrong > with the scene--I started worrying, oh no, maybe I really am making > mountains out of molehills with my fada! Maybe I'm the crazy one! > > > > So I had to really explain why it was so odd to me. Dad was still working > on his stuff and only half paying attention to my mom. I think he just > wanted her nearby. And because my mom was stuck there--she couldn't get up > without making fada feel offended (What, you don't want a head massage? > *pouts* That's okay...I know you're too busy for me.) or having fada use it > against her later on (You don't like me, do you?). With her stuck there--I > ended up being the substitute mom to my siblings for a while--their > homeschool, their chores, their diapers, etc. > > > > Anyway--it took a while to explain it all to her, why that felt so weird > to me, but by the end of the hour I still don't think she understood, and > that wasn't the first time I left her office worrying that I was the crazy > one. So, I'm wanting to take a break and maybe later on find a different > counselor better suited to my situation. > > > > Thanks, > > Holly > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 If you feel the need to move on, I would be very direct and blunt. As in I think it is time for me to seek another therapist. The reasons are, when you said or did ABC it made me feel XYZ and I don t find that helpful. Can you suggest some collegues that I might be comfortable with? Either the T will explain and help you be at ease, or give you some names if not. Any T who becomes shirty about it if a client feels the need to seek a better match is not very professional. But I would not make excuses. I would be very direct and honest. Honesty is the only way to benefit from a T, whether you stay or move on. Doug > > Hi all, > > I've been going to counseling since May, and it helped a lot at first. But as time goes on--it's not helping me very much anymore. So...how do you tell your counselor that? " I'm sorry, you're not helping anymore, I'm going to take a break. " That sounds too blunt. I know it's a professional relationship, but also there's my worrying self that doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Do you guys have any suggestions? > > For the back story/reasoning: > > The biggest reason why I want to quit going to counseling (for now) is that the counselor keeps making me worry that perhaps I'm the crazy one. I don't think she really understands what it's like to have a BPD father. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I keep getting this feeling that she just doesn't understand over the last few weeks. > > Last week I talked about something my fada would sometimes do for my mom--it seemed nice on the surface (a head massage) and I explained why it felt odd to me, why I was repulsed by it. Fada, when he started working from home, would sit down on the couch with his laptop and big pile of papers next to him. My mom was busy doing everything around the house (homeschooling, chores, etc) when fada told her to come, sit down--indicating a spot on the floor where he could easily reach her head and " massage " it. I just had this overwhelming sensation that my dad was treating my mom like a dog--they have a dog that sits in the exact same spot and likes his hair touseled--and my fada was tousling my mom's hair like a dog. > > I told the counselor how that bothered me, and she said that actually sounds kind of nice--a head massage. And she couldn't see what was wrong with the scene--I started worrying, oh no, maybe I really am making mountains out of molehills with my fada! Maybe I'm the crazy one! > > So I had to really explain why it was so odd to me. Dad was still working on his stuff and only half paying attention to my mom. I think he just wanted her nearby. And because my mom was stuck there--she couldn't get up without making fada feel offended (What, you don't want a head massage? *pouts* That's okay...I know you're too busy for me.) or having fada use it against her later on (You don't like me, do you?). With her stuck there--I ended up being the substitute mom to my siblings for a while--their homeschool, their chores, their diapers, etc. > > Anyway--it took a while to explain it all to her, why that felt so weird to me, but by the end of the hour I still don't think she understood, and that wasn't the first time I left her office worrying that I was the crazy one. So, I'm wanting to take a break and maybe later on find a different counselor better suited to my situation. > > Thanks, > Holly > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Hi Holly, it sounds like you've got it worked out already but quitting is the right thing to do. When you are having to expend so much effort to explain things to a therapist that's effort that's not going into your healing and it slows down the communication too. The therapist can be the nicest person in the world but if they don't " get it " without a lot of effort it's best to move on. Btw it's obvious to me that your father was rubbing your mother's head kind of reflexively as a relaxation thing For Him (just like petting the dog or a cat lowers the owner's blood pressure) and insisted on doing it when it was inconvenient for her. Actually a self-serving and inconsiderate action. It probably reflected a much larger dynamic which was why it made you so uncomfortable. It doesn't take in depth years of psychological training to see that! My advice about quitting though....a pothole I've often fallen into is that I'll bring my concerns to the therapist, they'll act like they understand and that it's a breakthrough to have discussed it and resolved it. So I'll stay in therapy. And then the same problem will happen again later on a much more sensitive subject and be hurtful. You are best off trusting your instincts now and trying someone new. Good luck! Eliza > > Hi all, > > I've been going to counseling since May, and it helped a lot at first. But as time goes on--it's not helping me very much anymore. So...how do you tell your counselor that? " I'm sorry, you're not helping anymore, I'm going to take a break. " That sounds too blunt. I know it's a professional relationship, but also there's my worrying self that doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Do you guys have any suggestions? > > For the back story/reasoning: > > The biggest reason why I want to quit going to counseling (for now) is that the counselor keeps making me worry that perhaps I'm the crazy one. I don't think she really understands what it's like to have a BPD father. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I keep getting this feeling that she just doesn't understand over the last few weeks. > > Last week I talked about something my fada would sometimes do for my mom--it seemed nice on the surface (a head massage) and I explained why it felt odd to me, why I was repulsed by it. Fada, when he started working from home, would sit down on the couch with his laptop and big pile of papers next to him. My mom was busy doing everything around the house (homeschooling, chores, etc) when fada told her to come, sit down--indicating a spot on the floor where he could easily reach her head and " massage " it. I just had this overwhelming sensation that my dad was treating my mom like a dog--they have a dog that sits in the exact same spot and likes his hair touseled--and my fada was tousling my mom's hair like a dog. > > I told the counselor how that bothered me, and she said that actually sounds kind of nice--a head massage. And she couldn't see what was wrong with the scene--I started worrying, oh no, maybe I really am making mountains out of molehills with my fada! Maybe I'm the crazy one! > > So I had to really explain why it was so odd to me. Dad was still working on his stuff and only half paying attention to my mom. I think he just wanted her nearby. And because my mom was stuck there--she couldn't get up without making fada feel offended (What, you don't want a head massage? *pouts* That's okay...I know you're too busy for me.) or having fada use it against her later on (You don't like me, do you?). With her stuck there--I ended up being the substitute mom to my siblings for a while--their homeschool, their chores, their diapers, etc. > > Anyway--it took a while to explain it all to her, why that felt so weird to me, but by the end of the hour I still don't think she understood, and that wasn't the first time I left her office worrying that I was the crazy one. So, I'm wanting to take a break and maybe later on find a different counselor better suited to my situation. > > Thanks, > Holly > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Thanks Doug and Eliza for your input I just got a call from the office that my T took a bad fall and isn't allowed to drive or sit for long-- my appointment tomorrow is cancelled, and she will see me as usual next Thursday. So, I have one more week to prepare myself...but I feel so much better already hearing a variety of advice and suggestions. I love this group On Wed, Sep 7, 2011 at 3:30 AM, eliza92@... < eliza92@...> wrote: > ** > > > Hi Holly, it sounds like you've got it worked out already but quitting is > the right thing to do. When you are having to expend so much effort to > explain things to a therapist that's effort that's not going into your > healing and it slows down the communication too. The therapist can be the > nicest person in the world but if they don't " get it " without a lot of > effort it's best to move on. Btw it's obvious to me that your father was > rubbing your mother's head kind of reflexively as a relaxation thing For Him > (just like petting the dog or a cat lowers the owner's blood pressure) and > insisted on doing it when it was inconvenient for her. Actually a > self-serving and inconsiderate action. It probably reflected a much larger > dynamic which was why it made you so uncomfortable. It doesn't take in depth > years of psychological training to see that! > > My advice about quitting though....a pothole I've often fallen into is that > I'll bring my concerns to the therapist, they'll act like they understand > and that it's a breakthrough to have discussed it and resolved it. So I'll > stay in therapy. And then the same problem will happen again later on a much > more sensitive subject and be hurtful. You are best off trusting your > instincts now and trying someone new. Good luck! > > Eliza > > > > > > > Hi all, > > > > I've been going to counseling since May, and it helped a lot at first. > But as time goes on--it's not helping me very much anymore. So...how do you > tell your counselor that? " I'm sorry, you're not helping anymore, I'm going > to take a break. " That sounds too blunt. I know it's a professional > relationship, but also there's my worrying self that doesn't want to hurt > her feelings. Do you guys have any suggestions? > > > > For the back story/reasoning: > > > > The biggest reason why I want to quit going to counseling (for now) is > that the counselor keeps making me worry that perhaps I'm the crazy one. I > don't think she really understands what it's like to have a BPD father. > Maybe I'm overreacting, but I keep getting this feeling that she just > doesn't understand over the last few weeks. > > > > Last week I talked about something my fada would sometimes do for my > mom--it seemed nice on the surface (a head massage) and I explained why it > felt odd to me, why I was repulsed by it. Fada, when he started working from > home, would sit down on the couch with his laptop and big pile of papers > next to him. My mom was busy doing everything around the house > (homeschooling, chores, etc) when fada told her to come, sit > down--indicating a spot on the floor where he could easily reach her head > and " massage " it. I just had this overwhelming sensation that my dad was > treating my mom like a dog--they have a dog that sits in the exact same spot > and likes his hair touseled--and my fada was tousling my mom's hair like a > dog. > > > > I told the counselor how that bothered me, and she said that actually > sounds kind of nice--a head massage. And she couldn't see what was wrong > with the scene--I started worrying, oh no, maybe I really am making > mountains out of molehills with my fada! Maybe I'm the crazy one! > > > > So I had to really explain why it was so odd to me. Dad was still working > on his stuff and only half paying attention to my mom. I think he just > wanted her nearby. And because my mom was stuck there--she couldn't get up > without making fada feel offended (What, you don't want a head massage? > *pouts* That's okay...I know you're too busy for me.) or having fada use it > against her later on (You don't like me, do you?). With her stuck there--I > ended up being the substitute mom to my siblings for a while--their > homeschool, their chores, their diapers, etc. > > > > Anyway--it took a while to explain it all to her, why that felt so weird > to me, but by the end of the hour I still don't think she understood, and > that wasn't the first time I left her office worrying that I was the crazy > one. So, I'm wanting to take a break and maybe later on find a different > counselor better suited to my situation. > > > > Thanks, > > Holly > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Maybe it is a Southern Thing, but what has helped me is asking good friends. Also, I have found it less important that my therapist have training with BPD, than that they are compassionate and let me do my process in my own time. In short that they have excellent social skills. After all I need to develop those skills myself, in dealing with nada. It is also important that a therapist not judge or " should " me, and that they ask those good questions some of you mentioned, that keep drawing me out until I understand my own " problem " and see several solutions to it. My therapist rarely gives advice. And that is particularly important to me. However if I were not fully formed emotionally, some advice would be helpful, I should think. Focus and guidance when I am weak, is a good thing, as long as it does not create a rut where I don't think for myself. In my community there are sometimes innovative folk (it is a university town) who occasionally offer group therapy on issues that my therapist does not take the necessary action on. Right now, for example, I am meeting with a yoga teacher/therapist who is helping a group of us with anxiety issues (some have insomnia, panic attacks, days or weeks where we can't think clearly or don't cook for ourselves). It is pretty incredible the power in that room, connecting (as we do here) with others who have experiences in common. We are focusing specifically on solutions in our group, and less on the details, which is different from therapy. And we are DOING things that help us get out of the behavior ruts that anxiety has gotten us into. I like the contrast to my usual therapy. I feel like this kind of work helps me deal with non-mentally with the BPD inside me. The latent one, that for the grace of God, would have been perfect material for becoming a nada myself. My real point here, is that the more tools we have and the more trustworthy people we allow ourselves to work with, the deeper the healing. I also believe in following my intuition to the best fitting therapists. Best to all, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.