one year and counting - new issue - gender roles

[Guest guest]

I saw my T this morning. It was our one year anniversary. i brought her

roses. She said she never gets flowers I kinda figured that, because

people around here don't give flowers all that often. Anyway. . . she said

that I've gone further with my therapy in a year than a lot of people go in

a lifetime. She said that I wanted it, I worked for it, I fought for it. . .

etc etc etc. I'm proud, but at the same time, I get that a lot. I'm an elbow

grease kinda girl.

Today we broached a different topic. This is hard to explain, but because my

nada defeminized me, and called me a slut, and was terrified that i might be

a sexual person, and competed with me for male attention and hated any and

every pretty woman etc etc and my dad on the other hand rewarded me for

masculine behavior, and raised me to be a little cowgirl and gave me

confusing mixed messages - for instance, I was supposed to be tough like a

boy, but I couldn't have a pocket knife and my brother could, and an extreme

double standard about my brother's boundaries (for example, he had 2

different girlfriends who lived with us and slept in his bedroom for up to 6

months at a time before he finished high school, like age 16 and 17). On the

other hand, i was not allowed to even dance with boys . . . and they both

frequently told me not to grow up to be a lesbian. . . anyway, all that

stuff has left me totally confused about - - - well not about my gender

identity - - - - I'm a girly girl, I date men, I drive a 4wd pick-up, I

make art out of bullet casings etc etc - - but yeah, in a way, I am VERY

confused about my gender identity. . .

Anyway, we talked today about my dad's extremely close relationship with his

best friend (a man). Neither man got along with their wife, so they sort of

teamed up and raised their kids together, stayed married to women, but

bonded to each other. My dad's best friend helped me learn to drive. drove

me to piano lessons, held my hand, put his arm around me when I was tired or

sad, tossed me across rivers and damns on hikes, sang duets with me to

Patsy Cline songs etc. When he was late for my wedding (I'm now divorced) we

all waited for him, as if he was the mother of the bride. Probably the most

potent memory - when my grandfather died, and my dad's best friend walked

into the funeral, I jumped up and ran to him. My dad's cousin thought I was

running to him and grabbed me - I was like - what the hell, and pretended I

wanted to hug him to be polite, but as soon as I could I broke away and

jumped into my other daddy's arms. And in a lot of ways he was my other

daddy or my mom type figure. . . . anyway, when I got divorced at age 28 (my

dad and his best friend lived about 4 houses apart from the time I was 6

weeks old), my dad's best friend broke the rules and filed for divorce right

around the same time and moved on with his life. . . my dad was left behind

by both of us.

So my T and I discussed the gender/sexuality bending of their relationship.

They introduced each other as their " pardner, " they owned property together,

they shared groceries. If our oven broke, we went to their house and used

theirs, we opened each other's fridges and got stuff out. We cooked in each

other's kitchens and worked in each others yards. Other daddy's sons mowed

my grandmother's yard. They went and visited my grandma, and I spent every

Halloween with their grandma. I think my " dads " even had a joint bank

account. When my little brother died -guess where I went when my dad was

with my mom in the hospital - yep, to my dad's best friend's house and I

think I was there for 72 hours straight. I wasn't even at my grandma's. I

fell asleep to the sounds of their voices almost every night of the first 18

years of my life, either near a campfire, or with them debriefing about

their days (and kids - I'm serious, they talked about our grades, tests,

social issues, interests, health problems, as though they were co-parenting)

etc et over the phone before bed.

Anyway, my T wonders how far and deep their relationship went. I don't know

if I will ever know. But sometimes when I miss a " girl " cue or run screaming

away from the dumb games at a baby shower, or have to explain " I can't do

that because it would hurt my cowboy dignity, " I just say " You know, I was

raised by two men. Both cowboys. I know how to shoot a rifle and I could

braid rawhide, I could find you some alfalfa or a pack saddle, but I was

absent the day they went over girl stuff. "

So my T and I are entering into that really weird part of my past. Its taken

us a while to get there. I don't know if my dad and his best friend were

gay/bisexual or not. The movie Brokeback Mountain sure made a hell of a lot

of sense to me though - and I loved both the main characters - if you

haven't seen it and are interested- it is pretty dang close to my personal

history, but I'm the kid of the star crossed cowboy lovers. I feel bad for

them for allowing their culture to hold them back - but then that's their

choice. My dad's best friend did move on from his bad marriage, entered a

new relationship . . . . My dad never did.

And at the same time I feel lucky. Because I did have a nada - but I also

had 2 pretty good parents. If you count my other dad, I think my two dad's

did an ok job. I'm sad that they didn't ditch their wives, fight for custody

and raise their kids together as a couple. There would have been 7 siblings

- ha ha - a huge family for two men to manage. But the reality is that they

did just that while keeping 2 houses and staying married to 2 women, one of

whom had issues and the other a raging maniacal BPD witch.

Anyone out there have sort of a gender role confusion going on? Someone

please tell me that this is normal for a KO.