Nada flips the switch

[Guest guest]

So Nada won't speak to me for weeks because my cell phone butt called her

without my knowledge and she overheard a heartfelt conversation i had with my

sister regarding how I'm so split over the great side of Nada and the evil side

of Nada. She turned " I don't know if I'll be able to ever just focus on the

good, maybe after she's gone. " into I hate her and want her to die. Whatever.

It's not safe to share my feelings, even in private - or what I thought was

private. Then after several weeks, she shows up at my front door calling me by

my " in good graces " nickname and hugging me and bringing me gifts. I didn't

warm up to it and I'm staying away. It's so crazy. I don't know how I'm halfway

normal growing up this way. I know I'm not the only one. And other have it

even harder than I do. I feel like I'm mourning.

[Guest guest]

Yes, and what does it all mean? Nothing! That is the hard part to live with.

Your heart wants to go with it, but your head knows it is only a meaningless

distraction. Broken heart every time. It fucking hurts!

>

> So Nada won't speak to me for weeks because my cell phone butt called her

without my knowledge and she overheard a heartfelt conversation i had with my

sister regarding how I'm so split over the great side of Nada and the evil side

of Nada. She turned " I don't know if I'll be able to ever just focus on the

good, maybe after she's gone. " into I hate her and want her to die. Whatever.

It's not safe to share my feelings, even in private - or what I thought was

private. Then after several weeks, she shows up at my front door calling me by

my " in good graces " nickname and hugging me and bringing me gifts. I didn't

warm up to it and I'm staying away. It's so crazy. I don't know how I'm halfway

normal growing up this way. I know I'm not the only one. And other have it

even harder than I do. I feel like I'm mourning.

>

[Guest guest]

I agree, its very " crazy-making " to (for example) be screamed at by one's

red-faced, tantruming nada, called horrible names, accused of shockingly bad

things that you never did or said, and other awful stuff, maybe even getting

slapped around or beaten for doing these things you never did, concluding with

" I hate you " or " I wish I'd never had you " or other horrible things that no

child should ever hear from her parents' lips... and then have nada show up

later (later the same day, even) acting like *nothing happened*, and acting all

chirpy and sweet, all " Here's a nice piece of cake for you, dear, and why are

you looking at me like I have two heads? "

I too have wondered why I'm not curled into a fetal position in a corner of a

padded cel somewhere, drooling on my straight-jacket.

Its just beyond cruel to put a child through such traumatic emotional attacks

over, and over, and over again. No wonder my Sister wound up with so few

memories of her childhood, no wonder I became alienated from my own self and

lost the ability to even feel my emotions, and became trauma-bonded to my

mother.

Some people are just way too disordered and dysfunctional to be raising

children, in my opinion, and my nada was one of them.

And yes, when the truth does finally hit us that our mother and/or father is

truly mentally ill and incapable of loving us or parenting us in a normal,

healthy way, it IS devastating, and it does feel a lot like a death, and some of

us do go through a kind of mourning or grieving period when that truth impacts

our conscious mind.

-Annie

>

> So Nada won't speak to me for weeks because my cell phone butt called her

without my knowledge and she overheard a heartfelt conversation i had with my

sister regarding how I'm so split over the great side of Nada and the evil side

of Nada. She turned " I don't know if I'll be able to ever just focus on the

good, maybe after she's gone. " into I hate her and want her to die. Whatever.

It's not safe to share my feelings, even in private - or what I thought was

private. Then after several weeks, she shows up at my front door calling me by

my " in good graces " nickname and hugging me and bringing me gifts. I didn't

warm up to it and I'm staying away. It's so crazy. I don't know how I'm halfway

normal growing up this way. I know I'm not the only one. And other have it

even harder than I do. I feel like I'm mourning.

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

Well said.

> >

> > So Nada won't speak to me for weeks because my cell phone butt called her

without my knowledge and she overheard a heartfelt conversation i had with my

sister regarding how I'm so split over the great side of Nada and the evil side

of Nada. She turned " I don't know if I'll be able to ever just focus on the

good, maybe after she's gone. " into I hate her and want her to die. Whatever.

It's not safe to share my feelings, even in private - or what I thought was

private. Then after several weeks, she shows up at my front door calling me by

my " in good graces " nickname and hugging me and bringing me gifts. I didn't

warm up to it and I'm staying away. It's so crazy. I don't know how I'm halfway

normal growing up this way. I know I'm not the only one. And other have it

even harder than I do. I feel like I'm mourning.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

So true, and I hate it.

> >

> > So Nada won't speak to me for weeks because my cell phone butt called her

without my knowledge and she overheard a heartfelt conversation i had with my

sister regarding how I'm so split over the great side of Nada and the evil side

of Nada. She turned " I don't know if I'll be able to ever just focus on the

good, maybe after she's gone. " into I hate her and want her to die. Whatever.

It's not safe to share my feelings, even in private - or what I thought was

private. Then after several weeks, she shows up at my front door calling me by

my " in good graces " nickname and hugging me and bringing me gifts. I didn't

warm up to it and I'm staying away. It's so crazy. I don't know how I'm halfway

normal growing up this way. I know I'm not the only one. And other have it

even harder than I do. I feel like I'm mourning.

> >

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