Confusion about sexuality due to BPD mother

[Guest guest]

The " This isn't normal moment " thread about sluttiness got me thinking.

Unlike some of you who were told you were sluts and were defeminized by your

nadas, I think I defeminized myself because of nada's suppressant messaging

about sexuality.

She was sexually abused as a child and she had me believe that every man out

there was a potential rapist, basically. She always told me that I was blond and

therefore, someone will want to kidnap and rape me.

On one hand, I'm glad that I became so cautious and I was often the voice of

safety and reason in my group of friends. On the other hand, I am still

hypersensitive to men paying attention to me. I'm always looking for an escape

route or mentally preparing myself to fight off an attacker. I walk alone and

take public transit a lot, so I'm constantly watching everything. I still treat

strange men with cautious eye, no matter where I am. I've been told by male

friends that I'm paranoid. I've never been attacked or raped, but it scares the

shit out of me when strange men yell from a car/whistle/call out to me. My

husband doesn't understand why this is traumatic for me.

Though I'm not a full-on tomboy any more (I recently overcame the intense

aversion I have to the colour pink, at the age of 26), I am still very anxious

about wearing dresses because I feel vulnerable and " accessible " .... My husband

also thinks it's weird that I hate skirts and dresses for this reason. I also

feel disgusted and panicked at the idea of showing my cleavage or dressing

suggestively, even when my hubby asks. I like to wear flattering, well fitting

clothes, but you would never be able to describe any of my clothing choices as

suggestive. To make matters more confusing, nada also taught me that looking

good and being desirable was important.

I love it when other women are well dressed and sensual,and I believe that

female sexuality is both important and powerful, but even after all this time,

nada's teachings hang on strongly. So, I feel that I must look desirable, but if

I take it too far, I'll be raped.

Ugh. Anyone else have this experience?

[Guest guest]

WOW! That is exactly my experience and what I was trying to communicate in my

response to GS. I can't even express how to the T your description of my

experience is. I have a great body and I'm so self-conscious about it. It makes

me so uncomfortable to show cleavage but I have a great " rack " . I am becoming

more and more comfortable and proud of myself, who I am, and accepting of what I

look like. But it is so difficult being uncomfortable in your own body because

you were trained from such a young age to reject your own self. Does that make

any sense?

>

> The " This isn't normal moment " thread about sluttiness got me thinking.

>

> Unlike some of you who were told you were sluts and were defeminized by your

nadas, I think I defeminized myself because of nada's suppressant messaging

about sexuality.

>

> She was sexually abused as a child and she had me believe that every man out

there was a potential rapist, basically. She always told me that I was blond and

therefore, someone will want to kidnap and rape me.

>

> On one hand, I'm glad that I became so cautious and I was often the voice of

safety and reason in my group of friends. On the other hand, I am still

hypersensitive to men paying attention to me. I'm always looking for an escape

route or mentally preparing myself to fight off an attacker. I walk alone and

take public transit a lot, so I'm constantly watching everything. I still treat

strange men with cautious eye, no matter where I am. I've been told by male

friends that I'm paranoid. I've never been attacked or raped, but it scares the

shit out of me when strange men yell from a car/whistle/call out to me. My

husband doesn't understand why this is traumatic for me.

>

> Though I'm not a full-on tomboy any more (I recently overcame the intense

aversion I have to the colour pink, at the age of 26), I am still very anxious

about wearing dresses because I feel vulnerable and " accessible " .... My husband

also thinks it's weird that I hate skirts and dresses for this reason. I also

feel disgusted and panicked at the idea of showing my cleavage or dressing

suggestively, even when my hubby asks. I like to wear flattering, well fitting

clothes, but you would never be able to describe any of my clothing choices as

suggestive. To make matters more confusing, nada also taught me that looking

good and being desirable was important.

>

> I love it when other women are well dressed and sensual,and I believe that

female sexuality is both important and powerful, but even after all this time,

nada's teachings hang on strongly. So, I feel that I must look desirable, but if

I take it too far, I'll be raped.

>

> Ugh. Anyone else have this experience?

>

[Guest guest]

Oh hon that is scary - I think its good to be cautious but maybe too much

of a good thing? I think as you learn and grow you will be more comfortable

with yourself. If you never want to be miss cleavage, there is nothing wrong

with that. I personally had a major issue with open toed shoes until my mid

20s. . . and a variety of clothing. Now I show cleavage and leg to distract

from the rolls around the middle ha ha ha

Hugs to you. PS, Blonde = kidnap? That makes about as much sense as my nada

telling me to never trust a left handed woman.

> **

>

>

> The " This isn't normal moment " thread about sluttiness got me thinking.

>

> Unlike some of you who were told you were sluts and were defeminized by

> your nadas, I think I defeminized myself because of nada's suppressant

> messaging about sexuality.

>

> She was sexually abused as a child and she had me believe that every man

> out there was a potential rapist, basically. She always told me that I was

> blond and therefore, someone will want to kidnap and rape me.

>

> On one hand, I'm glad that I became so cautious and I was often the voice

> of safety and reason in my group of friends. On the other hand, I am still

> hypersensitive to men paying attention to me. I'm always looking for an

> escape route or mentally preparing myself to fight off an attacker. I walk

> alone and take public transit a lot, so I'm constantly watching everything.

> I still treat strange men with cautious eye, no matter where I am. I've been

> told by male friends that I'm paranoid. I've never been attacked or raped,

> but it scares the shit out of me when strange men yell from a

> car/whistle/call out to me. My husband doesn't understand why this is

> traumatic for me.

>

> Though I'm not a full-on tomboy any more (I recently overcame the intense

> aversion I have to the colour pink, at the age of 26), I am still very

> anxious about wearing dresses because I feel vulnerable and " accessible " ....

> My husband also thinks it's weird that I hate skirts and dresses for this

> reason. I also feel disgusted and panicked at the idea of showing my

> cleavage or dressing suggestively, even when my hubby asks. I like to wear

> flattering, well fitting clothes, but you would never be able to describe

> any of my clothing choices as suggestive. To make matters more confusing,

> nada also taught me that looking good and being desirable was important.

>

> I love it when other women are well dressed and sensual,and I believe that

> female sexuality is both important and powerful, but even after all this

> time, nada's teachings hang on strongly. So, I feel that I must look

> desirable, but if I take it too far, I'll be raped.

>

> Ugh. Anyone else have this experience?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I had the opposite problem, for a while at least. The son of one of my

stepmom's friends asked her permission to ask me out. Of course she told him I

would go out with him, without consulting me, and then I felt like she was

already planning the wedding. She told me that he was " slow, but had a good

job, and had his house and car paid off, and would wait for me(I was in college

at the time). Of course, when I went out with this guy, I was scared to

death(not of him, of her) and it didn't go very well, either time we went out.

He ended up marrying a woman 10 years older than him who left her husband just

to marry him. Other than that, I really didn't date a lot. I was too scared

to. She did kind of turn around the other way a couple of years later. I was

dating my ex then, and on the way to the doctor for " the yearly exam " , I said I

would like to talk to the doctor about getting birth control(I was 20 at the

time). You would have

thought the world had ended because I made that request. She even stopped at a

pay phone and called my dad and told him about it. I ended up telling her to

just forget about it, and she did pretty good until the doctor brought up birth

control, and off she went on her rant. When my ex and I decided to get married,

she and my dad went to his parents house and tried to get them to call off the

wedding. It didn't work very well....they told her that we were over 18 and

they weren't going to interfere. She didn't like my ex, which made me more

determined to marry him. I think she was just mad because she didn't get to

choose my husband for me.

Janet

  Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

  Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

  It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, September 7, 2011 12:50 PM

Subject: Re: Confusion about sexuality due to BPD mother

Oh hon that is scary - I think its good to be cautious but maybe too much

of a good thing? I think as you learn and grow you will be more comfortable

with yourself. If you never want to be miss cleavage, there is nothing wrong

with that. I personally had a major issue with open toed shoes until my mid

20s. . . and a variety of clothing. Now I show cleavage and leg to distract

from the rolls around the middle ha ha ha

Hugs to you. PS, Blonde = kidnap? That makes about as much sense as my nada

telling me to never trust a left handed woman.

> **

>

>

> The " This isn't normal moment " thread about sluttiness got me thinking.

>

> Unlike some of you who were told you were sluts and were defeminized by

> your nadas, I think I defeminized myself because of nada's suppressant

> messaging about sexuality.

>

> She was sexually abused as a child and she had me believe that every man

> out there was a potential rapist, basically. She always told me that I was

> blond and therefore, someone will want to kidnap and rape me.

>

> On one hand, I'm glad that I became so cautious and I was often the voice

> of safety and reason in my group of friends. On the other hand, I am still

> hypersensitive to men paying attention to me. I'm always looking for an

> escape route or mentally preparing myself to fight off an attacker. I walk

> alone and take public transit a lot, so I'm constantly watching everything.

> I still treat strange men with cautious eye, no matter where I am. I've been

> told by male friends that I'm paranoid. I've never been attacked or raped,

> but it scares the shit out of me when strange men yell from a

> car/whistle/call out to me. My husband doesn't understand why this is

> traumatic for me.

>

> Though I'm not a full-on tomboy any more (I recently overcame the intense

> aversion I have to the colour pink, at the age of 26), I am still very

> anxious about wearing dresses because I feel vulnerable and " accessible " ....

> My husband also thinks it's weird that I hate skirts and dresses for this

> reason. I also feel disgusted and panicked at the idea of showing my

> cleavage or dressing suggestively, even when my hubby asks. I like to wear

> flattering, well fitting clothes, but you would never be able to describe

> any of my clothing choices as suggestive. To make matters more confusing,

> nada also taught me that looking good and being desirable was important.

>

> I love it when other women are well dressed and sensual,and I believe that

> female sexuality is both important and powerful, but even after all this

> time, nada's teachings hang on strongly. So, I feel that I must look

> desirable, but if I take it too far, I'll be raped.

>

> Ugh. Anyone else have this experience?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My stepmom would get rid of clothes that she didn't like on me. I had some

front hook bras, and she got rid of those because she said they got tangled up

in the laundry. My daughter had some of those, and I never had a problem with

them tangling up in the laundry. I also had a denim mini skirt(back then, mini

skirts weren't so mini) that disappeared one day when I put it in laundry to be

washed. I had to choose clothes that she approved of.  I am not someone to

go showing off a lot of skin, as I have " grown " over the past years, but I do

have things that I wear that show a little cleavage.

Janet

 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own

understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, September 7, 2011 12:50 PM

Subject: Re: Confusion about sexuality due to BPD mother

Â

WOW! That is exactly my experience and what I was trying to communicate in my

response to GS. I can't even express how to the T your description of my

experience is. I have a great body and I'm so self-conscious about it. It makes

me so uncomfortable to show cleavage but I have a great " rack " . I am becoming

more and more comfortable and proud of myself, who I am, and accepting of what I

look like. But it is so difficult being uncomfortable in your own body because

you were trained from such a young age to reject your own self. Does that make

any sense?

>

> The " This isn't normal moment " thread about sluttiness got me thinking.

>

> Unlike some of you who were told you were sluts and were defeminized by your

nadas, I think I defeminized myself because of nada's suppressant messaging

about sexuality.

>

> She was sexually abused as a child and she had me believe that every man out

there was a potential rapist, basically. She always told me that I was blond and

therefore, someone will want to kidnap and rape me.

>

> On one hand, I'm glad that I became so cautious and I was often the voice of

safety and reason in my group of friends. On the other hand, I am still

hypersensitive to men paying attention to me. I'm always looking for an escape

route or mentally preparing myself to fight off an attacker. I walk alone and

take public transit a lot, so I'm constantly watching everything. I still treat

strange men with cautious eye, no matter where I am. I've been told by male

friends that I'm paranoid. I've never been attacked or raped, but it scares the

shit out of me when strange men yell from a car/whistle/call out to me. My

husband doesn't understand why this is traumatic for me.

>

> Though I'm not a full-on tomboy any more (I recently overcame the intense

aversion I have to the colour pink, at the age of 26), I am still very anxious

about wearing dresses because I feel vulnerable and " accessible " .... My husband

also thinks it's weird that I hate skirts and dresses for this reason. I also

feel disgusted and panicked at the idea of showing my cleavage or dressing

suggestively, even when my hubby asks. I like to wear flattering, well fitting

clothes, but you would never be able to describe any of my clothing choices as

suggestive. To make matters more confusing, nada also taught me that looking

good and being desirable was important.

>

> I love it when other women are well dressed and sensual,and I believe that

female sexuality is both important and powerful, but even after all this time,

nada's teachings hang on strongly. So, I feel that I must look desirable, but if

I take it too far, I'll be raped.

>

> Ugh. Anyone else have this experience?

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yes, this makes perfect sense to me!

Interesting other fact...are you a dancer? I am too! One great thing that I took

from a childhood with nada is a love of dance (she is/was a dance instructor and

ballroom competitor). Weird/interesting correlation.

K

> >

> > The " This isn't normal moment " thread about sluttiness got me thinking.

> >

> > Unlike some of you who were told you were sluts and were defeminized by your

nadas, I think I defeminized myself because of nada's suppressant messaging

about sexuality.

> >

> > She was sexually abused as a child and she had me believe that every man out

there was a potential rapist, basically. She always told me that I was blond and

therefore, someone will want to kidnap and rape me.

> >

> > On one hand, I'm glad that I became so cautious and I was often the voice of

safety and reason in my group of friends. On the other hand, I am still

hypersensitive to men paying attention to me. I'm always looking for an escape

route or mentally preparing myself to fight off an attacker. I walk alone and

take public transit a lot, so I'm constantly watching everything. I still treat

strange men with cautious eye, no matter where I am. I've been told by male

friends that I'm paranoid. I've never been attacked or raped, but it scares the

shit out of me when strange men yell from a car/whistle/call out to me. My

husband doesn't understand why this is traumatic for me.

> >

> > Though I'm not a full-on tomboy any more (I recently overcame the intense

aversion I have to the colour pink, at the age of 26), I am still very anxious

about wearing dresses because I feel vulnerable and " accessible " .... My husband

also thinks it's weird that I hate skirts and dresses for this reason. I also

feel disgusted and panicked at the idea of showing my cleavage or dressing

suggestively, even when my hubby asks. I like to wear flattering, well fitting

clothes, but you would never be able to describe any of my clothing choices as

suggestive. To make matters more confusing, nada also taught me that looking

good and being desirable was important.

> >

> > I love it when other women are well dressed and sensual,and I believe that

female sexuality is both important and powerful, but even after all this time,

nada's teachings hang on strongly. So, I feel that I must look desirable, but if

I take it too far, I'll be raped.

> >

> > Ugh. Anyone else have this experience?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, she believed that blondes were these mystical, desirable sex creatures, I

guess. Doubly interesting is that she highlighted/coloured her hair very light

blonde for as long as I can remember.

So again, confusing beliefs...

K

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > The " This isn't normal moment " thread about sluttiness got me thinking.

> >

> > Unlike some of you who were told you were sluts and were defeminized by

> > your nadas, I think I defeminized myself because of nada's suppressant

> > messaging about sexuality.

> >

> > She was sexually abused as a child and she had me believe that every man

> > out there was a potential rapist, basically. She always told me that I was

> > blond and therefore, someone will want to kidnap and rape me.

> >

> > On one hand, I'm glad that I became so cautious and I was often the voice

> > of safety and reason in my group of friends. On the other hand, I am still

> > hypersensitive to men paying attention to me. I'm always looking for an

> > escape route or mentally preparing myself to fight off an attacker. I walk

> > alone and take public transit a lot, so I'm constantly watching everything.

> > I still treat strange men with cautious eye, no matter where I am. I've been

> > told by male friends that I'm paranoid. I've never been attacked or raped,

> > but it scares the shit out of me when strange men yell from a

> > car/whistle/call out to me. My husband doesn't understand why this is

> > traumatic for me.

> >

> > Though I'm not a full-on tomboy any more (I recently overcame the intense

> > aversion I have to the colour pink, at the age of 26), I am still very

> > anxious about wearing dresses because I feel vulnerable and " accessible " ....

> > My husband also thinks it's weird that I hate skirts and dresses for this

> > reason. I also feel disgusted and panicked at the idea of showing my

> > cleavage or dressing suggestively, even when my hubby asks. I like to wear

> > flattering, well fitting clothes, but you would never be able to describe

> > any of my clothing choices as suggestive. To make matters more confusing,

> > nada also taught me that looking good and being desirable was important.

> >

> > I love it when other women are well dressed and sensual,and I believe that

> > female sexuality is both important and powerful, but even after all this

> > time, nada's teachings hang on strongly. So, I feel that I must look

> > desirable, but if I take it too far, I'll be raped.

> >

> > Ugh. Anyone else have this experience?

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate. My nada was horrified when I asked about birth control at the age

of 17. I had made a promise to myself at the age of 12 to not lose my virginity

until I was 17. I didn't want to be " a slut " . I was 17 and had a steady

boyfriend, so I thought it was time. It was admittedly partly because I had

horrible, horrible menstrual cycles that needed regulation and partly because I

was in love and thinking about having sex. I wanted to be sure I was

responsible. I was/am VERY pragmatic.

When she freaked out in front of the doctor, I responded with, " Would you rather

me NOT ask my family doctor and then possibly get pregnant because YOU opposed

it? I would rather be safe than sorry, personally. " The pressure of looking like

a good parent in front of the doc worked its magic and she shut her mouth.

K

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > The " This isn't normal moment " thread about sluttiness got me thinking.

> >

> > Unlike some of you who were told you were sluts and were defeminized by

> > your nadas, I think I defeminized myself because of nada's suppressant

> > messaging about sexuality.

> >

> > She was sexually abused as a child and she had me believe that every man

> > out there was a potential rapist, basically. She always told me that I was

> > blond and therefore, someone will want to kidnap and rape me.

> >

> > On one hand, I'm glad that I became so cautious and I was often the voice

> > of safety and reason in my group of friends. On the other hand, I am still

> > hypersensitive to men paying attention to me. I'm always looking for an

> > escape route or mentally preparing myself to fight off an attacker. I walk

> > alone and take public transit a lot, so I'm constantly watching everything.

> > I still treat strange men with cautious eye, no matter where I am. I've been

> > told by male friends that I'm paranoid. I've never been attacked or raped,

> > but it scares the shit out of me when strange men yell from a

> > car/whistle/call out to me. My husband doesn't understand why this is

> > traumatic for me.

> >

> > Though I'm not a full-on tomboy any more (I recently overcame the intense

> > aversion I have to the colour pink, at the age of 26), I am still very

> > anxious about wearing dresses because I feel vulnerable and " accessible " ....

> > My husband also thinks it's weird that I hate skirts and dresses for this

> > reason. I also feel disgusted and panicked at the idea of showing my

> > cleavage or dressing suggestively, even when my hubby asks. I like to wear

> > flattering, well fitting clothes, but you would never be able to describe

> > any of my clothing choices as suggestive. To make matters more confusing,

> > nada also taught me that looking good and being desirable was important.

> >

> > I love it when other women are well dressed and sensual,and I believe that

> > female sexuality is both important and powerful, but even after all this

> > time, nada's teachings hang on strongly. So, I feel that I must look

> > desirable, but if I take it too far, I'll be raped.

> >

> > Ugh. Anyone else have this experience?

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sounds like you were a very mature 17 year old. That is weird about the

blonde thing. My mom had a thing for red hair. She told me all the time what

a shame it was that I wasn't born w red hair and peaches and creme

complextion. And then I had a friend who was her age who WAS a gorgeous red

head and when the met the jealousy permated the air for like 50 miles in

every direction.

> **

>

>

> I can relate. My nada was horrified when I asked about birth control at the

> age of 17. I had made a promise to myself at the age of 12 to not lose my

> virginity until I was 17. I didn't want to be " a slut " . I was 17 and had a

> steady boyfriend, so I thought it was time. It was admittedly partly because

> I had horrible, horrible menstrual cycles that needed regulation and partly

> because I was in love and thinking about having sex. I wanted to be sure I

> was responsible. I was/am VERY pragmatic.

>

> When she freaked out in front of the doctor, I responded with, " Would you

> rather me NOT ask my family doctor and then possibly get pregnant because

> YOU opposed it? I would rather be safe than sorry, personally. " The pressure

> of looking like a good parent in front of the doc worked its magic and she

> shut her mouth.

>

> K

>

>

>

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > > The " This isn't normal moment " thread about sluttiness got me thinking.

> > >

> > > Unlike some of you who were told you were sluts and were defeminized by

> > > your nadas, I think I defeminized myself because of nada's suppressant

> > > messaging about sexuality.

> > >

> > > She was sexually abused as a child and she had me believe that every

> man

> > > out there was a potential rapist, basically. She always told me that I

> was

> > > blond and therefore, someone will want to kidnap and rape me.

> > >

> > > On one hand, I'm glad that I became so cautious and I was often the

> voice

> > > of safety and reason in my group of friends. On the other hand, I am

> still

> > > hypersensitive to men paying attention to me. I'm always looking for an

> > > escape route or mentally preparing myself to fight off an attacker. I

> walk

> > > alone and take public transit a lot, so I'm constantly watching

> everything.

> > > I still treat strange men with cautious eye, no matter where I am. I've

> been

> > > told by male friends that I'm paranoid. I've never been attacked or

> raped,

> > > but it scares the shit out of me when strange men yell from a

> > > car/whistle/call out to me. My husband doesn't understand why this is

> > > traumatic for me.

> > >

> > > Though I'm not a full-on tomboy any more (I recently overcame the

> intense

> > > aversion I have to the colour pink, at the age of 26), I am still very

> > > anxious about wearing dresses because I feel vulnerable and

> " accessible " ....

> > > My husband also thinks it's weird that I hate skirts and dresses for

> this

> > > reason. I also feel disgusted and panicked at the idea of showing my

> > > cleavage or dressing suggestively, even when my hubby asks. I like to

> wear

> > > flattering, well fitting clothes, but you would never be able to

> describe

> > > any of my clothing choices as suggestive. To make matters more

> confusing,

> > > nada also taught me that looking good and being desirable was

> important.

> > >

> > > I love it when other women are well dressed and sensual,and I believe

> that

> > > female sexuality is both important and powerful, but even after all

> this

> > > time, nada's teachings hang on strongly. So, I feel that I must look

> > > desirable, but if I take it too far, I'll be raped.

> > >

> > > Ugh. Anyone else have this experience?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

This brings back memories. In my case I was 18 and I didn't even consider

asking my nada or family doctor for birth control pills. I picked a doc

randomly in the phone book on the other side of town, drove there and paid cash

for my first ever exam, and took the prescription to a pharmacy on the far side

of town where I also paid cash every month. The idea of ever including my

mother in any of it was just a no-go to me. I had learned that for anything

important to me, anything delicate, anything vulnerable I wanted her far far

away from it even if it cost me a lot. I've slipped some in the decades since

forgetting and trusting her with what I shouldn't - I think living far away and

having less contact allows room for the illusions to grow. But my 18 year old

self was crystal clear on how things were.

Eliza

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > > The " This isn't normal moment " thread about sluttiness got me thinking.

> > >

> > > Unlike some of you who were told you were sluts and were defeminized by

> > > your nadas, I think I defeminized myself because of nada's suppressant

> > > messaging about sexuality.

> > >

> > > She was sexually abused as a child and she had me believe that every man

> > > out there was a potential rapist, basically. She always told me that I was

> > > blond and therefore, someone will want to kidnap and rape me.

> > >

> > > On one hand, I'm glad that I became so cautious and I was often the voice

> > > of safety and reason in my group of friends. On the other hand, I am still

> > > hypersensitive to men paying attention to me. I'm always looking for an

> > > escape route or mentally preparing myself to fight off an attacker. I walk

> > > alone and take public transit a lot, so I'm constantly watching

everything.

> > > I still treat strange men with cautious eye, no matter where I am. I've

been

> > > told by male friends that I'm paranoid. I've never been attacked or raped,

> > > but it scares the shit out of me when strange men yell from a

> > > car/whistle/call out to me. My husband doesn't understand why this is

> > > traumatic for me.

> > >

> > > Though I'm not a full-on tomboy any more (I recently overcame the intense

> > > aversion I have to the colour pink, at the age of 26), I am still very

> > > anxious about wearing dresses because I feel vulnerable and

" accessible " ....

> > > My husband also thinks it's weird that I hate skirts and dresses for this

> > > reason. I also feel disgusted and panicked at the idea of showing my

> > > cleavage or dressing suggestively, even when my hubby asks. I like to wear

> > > flattering, well fitting clothes, but you would never be able to describe

> > > any of my clothing choices as suggestive. To make matters more confusing,

> > > nada also taught me that looking good and being desirable was important.

> > >

> > > I love it when other women are well dressed and sensual,and I believe that

> > > female sexuality is both important and powerful, but even after all this

> > > time, nada's teachings hang on strongly. So, I feel that I must look

> > > desirable, but if I take it too far, I'll be raped.

> > >

> > > Ugh. Anyone else have this experience?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

girlscout- Thanks. I got that *a lot* as a teen.

Yikes about the jealousy thing. Did that friendship with the redhead last?

> > >

> > > > **

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > The " This isn't normal moment " thread about sluttiness got me thinking.

> > > >

> > > > Unlike some of you who were told you were sluts and were defeminized by

> > > > your nadas, I think I defeminized myself because of nada's suppressant

> > > > messaging about sexuality.

> > > >

> > > > She was sexually abused as a child and she had me believe that every

> > man

> > > > out there was a potential rapist, basically. She always told me that I

> > was

> > > > blond and therefore, someone will want to kidnap and rape me.

> > > >

> > > > On one hand, I'm glad that I became so cautious and I was often the

> > voice

> > > > of safety and reason in my group of friends. On the other hand, I am

> > still

> > > > hypersensitive to men paying attention to me. I'm always looking for an

> > > > escape route or mentally preparing myself to fight off an attacker. I

> > walk

> > > > alone and take public transit a lot, so I'm constantly watching

> > everything.

> > > > I still treat strange men with cautious eye, no matter where I am. I've

> > been

> > > > told by male friends that I'm paranoid. I've never been attacked or

> > raped,

> > > > but it scares the shit out of me when strange men yell from a

> > > > car/whistle/call out to me. My husband doesn't understand why this is

> > > > traumatic for me.

> > > >

> > > > Though I'm not a full-on tomboy any more (I recently overcame the

> > intense

> > > > aversion I have to the colour pink, at the age of 26), I am still very

> > > > anxious about wearing dresses because I feel vulnerable and

> > " accessible " ....

> > > > My husband also thinks it's weird that I hate skirts and dresses for

> > this

> > > > reason. I also feel disgusted and panicked at the idea of showing my

> > > > cleavage or dressing suggestively, even when my hubby asks. I like to

> > wear

> > > > flattering, well fitting clothes, but you would never be able to

> > describe

> > > > any of my clothing choices as suggestive. To make matters more

> > confusing,

> > > > nada also taught me that looking good and being desirable was

> > important.

> > > >

> > > > I love it when other women are well dressed and sensual,and I believe

> > that

> > > > female sexuality is both important and powerful, but even after all

> > this

> > > > time, nada's teachings hang on strongly. So, I feel that I must look

> > > > desirable, but if I take it too far, I'll be raped.

> > > >

> > > > Ugh. Anyone else have this experience?

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I'm 22 and I'm doing this too. I didn't either of my parents about it actually,

Nada because, well, I'm sure you all can guess ;-) and my dad because that's

just awkward. >_< My dad I'm okay with telling him other medical things, but

nada gets to know next to nothing about my life as a general rule of thumb.

She's just not trustworthy.

Subject: Re: Confusion about sexuality due to BPD mother

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Thursday, September 8, 2011, 5:05 PM

 

This brings back memories. In my case I was 18 and I didn't even consider

asking my nada or family doctor for birth control pills. I picked a doc

randomly in the phone book on the other side of town, drove there and paid cash

for my first ever exam, and took the prescription to a pharmacy on the far side

of town where I also paid cash every month. The idea of ever including my

mother in any of it was just a no-go to me. I had learned that for anything

important to me, anything delicate, anything vulnerable I wanted her far far

away from it even if it cost me a lot. I've slipped some in the decades since

forgetting and trusting her with what I shouldn't - I think living far away and

having less contact allows room for the illusions to grow. But my 18 year old

self was crystal clear on how things were.

Eliza

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > > The " This isn't normal moment " thread about sluttiness got me thinking.

> > >

> > > Unlike some of you who were told you were sluts and were defeminized by

> > > your nadas, I think I defeminized myself because of nada's suppressant

> > > messaging about sexuality.

> > >

> > > She was sexually abused as a child and she had me believe that every man

> > > out there was a potential rapist, basically. She always told me that I was

> > > blond and therefore, someone will want to kidnap and rape me.

> > >

> > > On one hand, I'm glad that I became so cautious and I was often the voice

> > > of safety and reason in my group of friends. On the other hand, I am still

> > > hypersensitive to men paying attention to me. I'm always looking for an

> > > escape route or mentally preparing myself to fight off an attacker. I walk

> > > alone and take public transit a lot, so I'm constantly watching

everything.

> > > I still treat strange men with cautious eye, no matter where I am. I've

been

> > > told by male friends that I'm paranoid. I've never been attacked or raped,

> > > but it scares the shit out of me when strange men yell from a

> > > car/whistle/call out to me. My husband doesn't understand why this is

> > > traumatic for me.

> > >

> > > Though I'm not a full-on tomboy any more (I recently overcame the intense

> > > aversion I have to the colour pink, at the age of 26), I am still very

> > > anxious about wearing dresses because I feel vulnerable and

" accessible " ....

> > > My husband also thinks it's weird that I hate skirts and dresses for this

> > > reason. I also feel disgusted and panicked at the idea of showing my

> > > cleavage or dressing suggestively, even when my hubby asks. I like to wear

> > > flattering, well fitting clothes, but you would never be able to describe

> > > any of my clothing choices as suggestive. To make matters more confusing,

> > > nada also taught me that looking good and being desirable was important.

> > >

> > > I love it when other women are well dressed and sensual,and I believe that

> > > female sexuality is both important and powerful, but even after all this

> > > time, nada's teachings hang on strongly. So, I feel that I must look

> > > desirable, but if I take it too far, I'll be raped.

> > >

> > > Ugh. Anyone else have this experience?

> > >

> > > 

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yeah, same here. At all times, I was to understand that I could be raped. Many

times, my mother would tell me when we had guests over, to wear something not

revealing/not too appealing because I would draw too much attention.

I remember discussing this with my T, how whenever I would see a beautifully

dressed woman, I would feel angry. We figured out that this anger came from my

mother. Why? Because whenever we'd see a sensuously/attractively dressed woman,

she'd make a remark like " Look at that slut " or " God, look at how she's dressed.

I don't see why she has to wear every goddam piece of jewelry she owns. "

I also feel the way you do, krcanada, in regards to male attention. I don't like

it and feel threatened by it, like I need to flee.

I grew up dressing, and still dress, very simply in colors that won't draw

attention to me. It's like I want to be invisible. I like being ignored and

isolated, maybe?

It's funny, the other day my 6 yo said to me, " mommy you're not flashy, right?

you dress really unflashy. " I didn't really know what to say. I just agreed

with her.

Fiona

>

> The " This isn't normal moment " thread about sluttiness got me thinking.

>

> Unlike some of you who were told you were sluts and were defeminized by your

nadas, I think I defeminized myself because of nada's suppressant messaging

about sexuality.

>

> She was sexually abused as a child and she had me believe that every man out

there was a potential rapist, basically. She always told me that I was blond and

therefore, someone will want to kidnap and rape me.

>

> On one hand, I'm glad that I became so cautious and I was often the voice of

safety and reason in my group of friends. On the other hand, I am still

hypersensitive to men paying attention to me. I'm always looking for an escape

route or mentally preparing myself to fight off an attacker. I walk alone and

take public transit a lot, so I'm constantly watching everything. I still treat

strange men with cautious eye, no matter where I am. I've been told by male

friends that I'm paranoid. I've never been attacked or raped, but it scares the

shit out of me when strange men yell from a car/whistle/call out to me. My

husband doesn't understand why this is traumatic for me.

>

> Though I'm not a full-on tomboy any more (I recently overcame the intense

aversion I have to the colour pink, at the age of 26), I am still very anxious

about wearing dresses because I feel vulnerable and " accessible " .... My husband

also thinks it's weird that I hate skirts and dresses for this reason. I also

feel disgusted and panicked at the idea of showing my cleavage or dressing

suggestively, even when my hubby asks. I like to wear flattering, well fitting

clothes, but you would never be able to describe any of my clothing choices as

suggestive. To make matters more confusing, nada also taught me that looking

good and being desirable was important.

>

> I love it when other women are well dressed and sensual,and I believe that

female sexuality is both important and powerful, but even after all this time,

nada's teachings hang on strongly. So, I feel that I must look desirable, but if

I take it too far, I'll be raped.

>

> Ugh. Anyone else have this experience?

>

[Guest guest]

Well, hey, you're not alone in how you feel about sex. Phew!

Good for you to get into a relationship with an understanding man. Does he know

that your hangups are not his fault? I sometimes think my husband believes it's

his fault that I don't have a high sex drive. The idea of it is like a chore to

me, but I really enjoy it once I'm having sex. I'm a goddamn riddle to him, I'm

sure!

" thought it would give me permission to go off the deep end and become

promiscuous. " <-- YES. My nada also thought that I would become a sex worker or

get hooked on drugs if I worked in a bar. I took a p/t bartending job on top of

my full time job (summer after high school grad) to help me save for an

apartment. She told me that I had to leave my part-time bar job or leave her

house. Oh, gee, hard decision. I had to borrow $200 from my uncle to pay my

security deposit, but I was gone gone gone. I paid that $200 back that xmas.

Thanks for sharing your story. *hugs* to you.

K

> > > >

> > > > > **

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > The " This isn't normal moment " thread about sluttiness got me

thinking.

> > > > >

> > > > > Unlike some of you who were told you were sluts and were defeminized

by

> > > > > your nadas, I think I defeminized myself because of nada's suppressant

> > > > > messaging about sexuality.

> > > > >

> > > > > She was sexually abused as a child and she had me believe that every

man

> > > > > out there was a potential rapist, basically. She always told me that I

was

> > > > > blond and therefore, someone will want to kidnap and rape me.

> > > > >

> > > > > On one hand, I'm glad that I became so cautious and I was often the

voice

> > > > > of safety and reason in my group of friends. On the other hand, I am

still

> > > > > hypersensitive to men paying attention to me. I'm always looking for

an

> > > > > escape route or mentally preparing myself to fight off an attacker. I

walk

> > > > > alone and take public transit a lot, so I'm constantly watching

everything.

> > > > > I still treat strange men with cautious eye, no matter where I am.

I've been

> > > > > told by male friends that I'm paranoid. I've never been attacked or

raped,

> > > > > but it scares the shit out of me when strange men yell from a

> > > > > car/whistle/call out to me. My husband doesn't understand why this is

> > > > > traumatic for me.

> > > > >

> > > > > Though I'm not a full-on tomboy any more (I recently overcame the

intense

> > > > > aversion I have to the colour pink, at the age of 26), I am still very

> > > > > anxious about wearing dresses because I feel vulnerable and

" accessible " ....

> > > > > My husband also thinks it's weird that I hate skirts and dresses for

this

> > > > > reason. I also feel disgusted and panicked at the idea of showing my

> > > > > cleavage or dressing suggestively, even when my hubby asks. I like to

wear

> > > > > flattering, well fitting clothes, but you would never be able to

describe

> > > > > any of my clothing choices as suggestive. To make matters more

confusing,

> > > > > nada also taught me that looking good and being desirable was

important.

> > > > >

> > > > > I love it when other women are well dressed and sensual,and I believe

that

> > > > > female sexuality is both important and powerful, but even after all

this

> > > > > time, nada's teachings hang on strongly. So, I feel that I must look

> > > > > desirable, but if I take it too far, I'll be raped.

> > > > >

> > > > > Ugh. Anyone else have this experience?

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >